Work Text:
Reminders:
1. Read on the phone as much as possible. Not sure which stories but I guess anything works?
2. Don't forget to charge the phone from time to time or else it'll blackout
3. Find some medicine for intense headaches, ask Seolhwa but don't let the rest know
Kim Dokja stared at his phone, eyes glazed over as if in a trance. What else should he keep in mind? At first, he had tried to write down every little detail he could muster from the depths of his muddy memory, but as time went by, he realised how futile it all was. He knew, deep down, that his memory wasn't fading due to the passage of time and the newfound peace they’d achieved; it was stolen, like severing the head from a doll's body. Which begs the question: If his important memories were wiped, could he even call them his own anymore? Did those moments belong to someone else entirely? Could a body function as intended if its head was gone?
These questions chased after him, day and night like hounds on a blood trail. That was when throbbing headaches began to plague Kim Dokja, and nothing could make them go away.
Even so, he could handle the pain. What he couldn't bear to deal with were the nightmares. Kim Dokja grew to hate the late hours of the day, closing his eyes only to be met with a darkness that stretched on forever — a field of charcoal. As he walked on the burnt grass, he would reach out with his hands, groping around in the endless night in search of nothing.
"Kim Dokja. Hurry up and come eat before all the food is gone."
A sharp voice snapped at him, waking him up from falling deeper into his trance. "Oh... Sorry, Joonghyuk-ah. I'll be right there," he stuttered, feeling unsure of himself as he stumbled over to the table where everyone was gathered.
"Reading again? What is it this time, huh? Another shitty webnovel?" Han Sooyoung quipped, mouth still full of beef stew. Yoo Joonghyuk frowned, hitting her on the head with his ladle before wiping it clean again as she sneered at him.
"Dokja-ssi, eat as much as you can. You’ve grown thin," Yoo Sangah chided, pushing a bowl of beef stew towards him.
"Ah, thanks."
But try as he might, Kim Dokja could not swallow a single bite of food. Even staring at the plates of meat and vegetables made him feel like throwing up. "Um, I'm full now." he said unsteadily, "Thanks for the meal, Joonghyuk-ah, but I'm feeling tired again so I'll be going to sleep early."
Jung Heewon frowned at her plate. "I thought you'd be the most thrilled at getting to eat food made by Joonghyuk-ssi."
"Was the food not to your liking? I could go buy something for you right now," Yoo Sangah asked.
"Ahjussi, are you alright? Do you need medicine?" Shin Yoosung added.
Everyone around the table was looking at him with so much concern and affection that it felt too much for him to bear.
"Yes, I'm fine. Nothing a good sleep can't fix. Isn’t that right, Seolhwa-ssi?" Kim Dokja looked at Lee Seolhwa, pleading with his eyes for her to understand what he needed her to do.
Lee Seolhwa smiled at him before looking around the table, "Yes, you're right. And I'll have another checkup with you soon so everyone, don't worry too much."
Kim Dokja slowly walked towards his room as everyone resumed eating their dinner. Yet, as he grasped the door handle, he couldn't help but turn back around one more time to look at them.
There they were, Kim Dokja's Company, eating and bickering together over dinner like one big family.
And here he was, running away from them.
Kim Dokja wasn't sure when it started, but it was all he could feel now: cracks forming on the ground between him and his companions. There was always a wall back then, separating himself from the characters in his beloved novel; a guard he could let down and shield himself with. Now the wall was gone, and with it, the feeling of security and safety it brought. He was vulnerable, stripped bare for all to witness, and they did not like what they were seeing.
The warm smiles and soft gazes of his companions had slowly begun to look forced, like he didn't deserve any of their affection. Worst of all though, were the ways in which Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him. Han Sooyoung thought he didn't notice but he did; the way she watches him with squinted eyes as if she were a researcher observing a lab rat, waiting for it to slip up and trap itself to death.
At least she was looking at him, because Yoo Joonghyuk certainly wasn't. Every time Kim Dokja caught the brooding man staring at him, he felt invisible. As if he were merely a pane of glass, and Yoo Joonghyuk was looking right through him, searching for someone beyond, someone unreachable.
He felt like a replacement: an understudy thrust upon a stage with nothing but a script with blurry sentences he could not decipher. What was his role? How should he act to convince the crowd to indulge in the fantasy he was weaving? What should he do to play the part of Kim Dokja, their Kim Dokja, and what could he do to make them stay when they realised he was not the original?
Did they already notice?
Kim Dokja didn't want to know the answer to these questions. He sank deeper into his wretched nightmares to avoid them, sleeping as much as was allowed. At least, in the field of charcoal, he was truly alone. There were no expectations, no second-guessing his own words or actions, and no disappointed looks from the ones he held so dear to his heart.
Maybe if he walked long and far enough into the darkness, he would finally find the person Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk were looking for.
—----------
There was a dim light coming from somewhere within the sleeping house that Han Sooyoung could no longer ignore.
"Seriously, which bastard is still awake at 1am?" she grumbled, getting up from her desk and stomping out of her room.
As Han Sooyoung approached the light, she could hear the sound of someone shuffling around and smell the fragrance of that person's freshly cooked food.
"Why are you making dumplings at this hour, Yoo Joonghyuk?" she hissed, making her presence known to the tall figure who was carefully plating the dumplings as if to be served at a high-class restaurant.
"This doesn't concern you."
Han Sooyoung frowned. She had heard him say these words to her many times before, but that didn't mean it hurt any less, even if she knew he never had any real intention to hurt her with those words.
"Then you won't mind if I helped myself to these dumplings, would you? I've been having a hard time sleeping these days and I'm starving to death right now," she said as she sat herself down in front of him, challenging him to reject her demands.
Yoo Joonghyuk didn't even spare her a sideways glance as he placed the plate on a tray. "Why don't you just eat your lemon candies instead. Since you love chewing on them any chance you get.”
Han Sooyoung hmphed. “You really are an idiot. There is a time for sweets and a time for savoury snacks, don't you know that? And I just so happen to be craving something savoury right now." She attempted to steal one of the dumplings from the plate, but Yoo Joonghyuk swatted her hand away reflexively.
"He barely touched his dinner," Yoo Joonghyuk stated, as if that would explain everything to her.
"And what about it? He sleeps like a lazy cat all day now. It’s not surprising that he'd lose his appetite." Although Han Sooyoung knew of his unspoken thoughts, she still chose to act dumb just to get her desired reaction. Or, if she was lucky enough, she'd get to force him to reveal the truth of his feelings. That was just how their relationship worked — not even the end of an apocalypse would have the power to change it.
Yoo Joonghyuk grunted, deciding to end their meaningless banter as he took the tray with him and left the kitchen.
"Hey! I wasn't done talking… Wait for me!" Han Sooyoung huffed as she chased after him and entered Kim Dokja's room.
An overwhelming sense of emptiness enveloped the two of them as they stood inside. Kim Dokja had always been a distant person, hiding his true thoughts and schemes as if hoarding secrets made him feel safer. Hell, even his special abilities came from maintaining a wall between him and his companions. Yet despite the end of the scenarios and him no longer needing this wall, the gap that separated them now felt wider than ever, as if a chasm had opened up between him.
Kim Dokja was alive and right here with them, so why did it feel like they were looking at his shadow instead?
Cold wind blew through the air, amplifying the hollowness they felt as they watched the sleeping figure.
Quiet. It's too quiet in here, Han Sooyoung thought, goosebumps covering her skin as she switched on the bedside lamp.
Yoo Joonghyuk set the tray of food down on the table before striding over to the open window, body rigid and footsteps heavy with some unknown emotion. He closed it shut in one effortless motion, his hand lingering on the latch before returning to his side.
Han Sooyoung watched his hand clench, the lamp casting shadows across the plane of his wide back. In that moment of windless silence, she felt the impression that he was unspeakably lonely. "Do you really think he wants to be woken up at this time just to be force-fed some dumplings?" she asked, turning to face Kim Dokja and reaching out to brush his messy bangs.
"Doesn't matter, he should still eat something. He’s getting too thin. Wake him up."
An exasperated sigh pierced the room as Han Sooyoung grabbed hold of Kim Dokja's shoulders and shook him awake.
Kim Dokja started with a gasp. "H-huh? What is—Who?"
Yoo Joonghyuk grabbed the tray and placed it in front of him. "Eat while it's still warm."
Upon hearing Yoo Joonghyuk's tone of voice, Kim Dokja figured it wouldn't be a good idea to decline. "O-okay, thanks?” he said. “I guess I am feeling pretty hungry right now." He laughed apologetically as he ate the dumplings, taking a peek at the two people before him from time to time.
"So, uh, are you two just gonna keep standing there staring at me until I finish my food? It's creepy, you know."
"Not really, what's actually creepy is how much you've been sleeping these days. What's going on with you? Are you trying to avoid— Ow, what the hell was that for, you bastard?" Han Sooyoung hissed as she rubbed her bruised side, glaring daggers at Yoo Joonghyuk.
"Finish everything, then you can go back to sleep if you want to. We're leaving," Yoo Joonghyuk said to Kim Dokja, shooting Han Sooyoung a warning glare before she could interject.
"Yeah… Thanks again. I really didn't expect you of all people to cook me a meal this late at night. Doesn't sound very Yoo Joonghyuk to me," Kim Dokja smirked, hoping that what he said sounded right.
"Yeah, you're right." Han Sooyoung grinned back at him, slapping Yoo Joonghyuk's shoulder as she turned to walk out of the room. "This guy would never voluntarily cook for someone that wasn’t his little sister. Oh, maybe for Lee Seolhwa? But you shouldn't get too cocky, I bet this is just a one time thing. So stop skipping dinner, got it?"
Kim Dokja couldn’t see her face as she left the room, but he let out a sigh of relief anyway. Being around Han Sooyoung felt suffocating these days, and he had the feeling that he was treading on eggshells with her but he didn't really know why.
Now, only two remained in the room. As Yoo Joonghyuk leaned down to take the tray from him, Kim Dokja saw something glinting within his dark coat.
"What's that?" he blurted out, reaching to touch the shining object. Yoo Joonghyuk reacted with a jolt, stepping away from Kim Dokja as if burned.
The hand that was outstretched was hurriedly retracted, and Kim Dokja laughed again. His heart raced. "Ha, sorry. It's probably something precious."
Yoo Joonghyuk grit his teeth, calming himself down before reaching into his coat and pulling the object out.
It was a pocket watch.
"Do you not recognize this?"
Kim Dokja felt like he was being tested again, but he had no idea what for. "Of course I do,” he said confidently, “it's from one of your regression turns, isn't it? I'm surprised it's still functioning after all this time. Whoever made it must be a genius."
Yoo Joonghyuk said nothing more, leaving the room briskly. Kim Dokja watched the door shut and sat staring at his hands for a long while, a melancholic smile playing on his lips.
I guess that was the wrong answer.
What he didn't know was that he had given both Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk the "wrong" answer. And now Han Sooyoung was back in the kitchen, grumbling to herself as she took a can of beer out of the fridge.
"‘Doesn't sound very Yoo Joonghyuk to me’? What, does he not even remember the Worker's Off-Day scenario anymore?"
"Go back to your room," Yoo Joonghyuk growled as he entered the kitchen, trudging past her and heading towards the sink.
"I was going to clean the dishes for you!" Han Sooyoung sneered, turning away from him. The both of them were in an even more sour mood than before.
"Wait. There are leftovers, take them with you."
Han Sooyoung paused, jaw hanging open as she turned towards him. "Leftovers? What leftovers?"
She decided it would be faster to check the pan on the stove herself when Yoo Joonghyuk refused to respond. What she saw made her even more surprised: three murim dumplings were on the frying pan.
"Hey, what the hell? I thought you hated wasting food, who were you gonna give these to?"
Although she couldn't see his face, she knew Yoo Joonghyuk was frowning deeply as he placed the washed dishes onto a drying rack. "You need to stop making a ruckus in your room and sleep early, it's annoying whenever I hear you talking to yourself every night."
Han Sooyoung could only blink in astonishment. He was worried about her too?
"Huh, who knew someone like you…" Han Sooyoung trailed off, unsure of how to finish that sentence without making herself sound like a fool. "Don't bother, I'm just your regular insomniac writer, it's nothing weird."
Yoo Joonghyuk remained silent, wiping his hands as he finally turned to look at her. The two of them never did see eye to eye, but in the dimly lit kitchen where nobody else could claim witness, Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk could silently acknowledge their deep understanding and connection with each other. "Make sure you clean everything up once you're done eating," he eventually said.
Han Sooyoung grinned at him and rushed to grab her own plate and chopsticks. "Just what I needed, a can of beer and some dumplings! Even the cold-hearted protagonist can be soft sometimes, huh?"
Yoo Joonghyuk was already gone by the time she turned around. She shrugged, carrying the plate and beer back to her room before continuing her work.
When she finally took a bite of the dumplings later that night, she was met with disappointment.
"It's already gone cold, you dumbass,." Han Sooyoung whispered, hoping someone could hear her quiet plea for warmth.
—----------
"How long are you planning to sleep for this time? Wake up already!"
As he was shaken awake, Kim Dokja awkwardly wiped away his drool and smiled up at the two figures looming over him. Today was Kim Dokja's Company's first field trip to the Han River, and they were intent on making sure the trip would be perfect.
After getting out of the car, the three of them walked side by side as they slowly approached the picnic spot.
"Hey, Kim Dokja."
"What now?"
"You didn't really forget what day it is today, right?"
Again with the probing questions. Kim Dokja held in a sigh as he threw the question right back at her.
"What day is it?"
"It's December 25th. What day did you think it was?"
Kim Dokja pondered for a little bit before replying to her.
"The day Mithra was born?"
"Is that supposed to be < Vedas > style humour?"'
Han Sooyoung snickered at Kim Dokja's answer and offered him one of her lemon lollipops. As Kim Dokja sucked on the candy, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. This feeling of relief was something he so desperately wanted to have with her again, and she was finally handing him that olive branch.
They continued walking while exchanging playful remarks, just like they did in the distant and hazy past. In that moment, everything felt right between them, as if they were two people who had separated for a long time and were learning to be together once more. Every so often, Yoo Joonghyuk would let out a pained groan as if they were getting on his nerves. And yet, he never left their side or made any complaints. Perhaps he understood as well that this moment of theirs was a rare one.
Kim Dokja knew it was selfish of him, but it did not stop him from silently wishing to the stars above that they would never reach their destination. If only to remain in this brief moment of peace and simple banter with the two of them forever.
—-------------
Bright and dazzling trails of light soared over the night sky with thunderous booms, their sparkling blaze lasting but seconds before scattering to the ground; dying embers of a fleeting wish, scarring whoever dared come too close.
The slender man in his white coat sat at the edge of the Han River alone as he watched the fireworks lighting up the dark. He smiled. How miraculous it was that he could witness this sight again after the apocalypse.
"Kim Dokja." A familiar name, but who did it belong to?
"Kim Dokja." The voice persistently called out that name, and when the man turned to look at the woman standing over him with a frown, he suddenly remembered.
That's right, that was his name: Kim Dokja.
How could he have forgotten his own name?
"You know, you haven't been reading that thing recently," the familiar woman said almost accusingly.
"What do you mean?" Reading? Was that his role? Kim Dokja thought about it for a second and recalled the reminders he had written down in his notes app.
1. Read on the phone as much as possible. Not sure which stories but I guess anything works?
"Ah, that's right. I should be reading it."
He hurriedly switched his smartphone on. However, its battery was flat and the device refused to power on.
2. Don't forget to charge the phone from time to time or else it'll blackout
Seems like he had made yet another mistake. He should really find ways to remember these things better. Kim Dokja didn't know what to say to remedy the situation, so he continued to stare at the phone, feeling his palms beginning to sweat.
Han Sooyoung's figure was reflected on the dark screen. It was impossible to get a bead on her inner thoughts through the look in her eyes.
A queasy feeling settled in the pit of his stomach as Han Sooyoung plopped down on the grass next to him. Kim Dokja tried to console himself: it was probably due to the fireworks and their splendour, causing him to lose himself momentarily.
Han Sooyoung kept talking, and Kim Dokja listened as she brought up the same few topics again. It was always something about that webnovel or minute details from their arduous journey, and frankly, Kim Dokja was tired of it all.
"You know, the third turn's Yoo Joonghyuk… everyone together, next to the Han River, chewing on the ground rat's legs…"
Kim Dokja's expression as he listened to her words distorted in a strange, vague manner. She reached out to him as he began to wobble a little.
"Hey, what's the matter? You alright? You feeling sick somewhere?"
"It's just that my head hurts without warning…"
Ah that's right, Kim Dokja remembered now. The reminders on his phone also included something about his headaches.
3. Find some medicine for intense headaches, ask Seolhwa but don't let the rest know
"Did I smack you a little too hard back then? How about resting for a bit…?"
"No, it's fine. Besides all that… you're right."
"About what?"
"About the 'Ways of Survival'. I really like that scene, too. It's the scene I like the most from the third regression turn."
Han Sooyoung's gaze pierced Kim Dokja before forming a refreshing grin.
"Really now, you 'Ways of Survival' otaku freak."
Kim Dokja's entire body relaxed as he let out a sigh of relief. He had managed to evade another one of her obstacles. In truth, he did not remember anything about that story, but in order to hold onto Han Sooyoung, he felt the need to lie to her. If this was what it took to make her smile at him, then he would do it as many times as she needed him to.
So why was she looking at him with a dagger in hand like he was the enemy now, when just a moment ago they were gazing at the fireworks in peaceful companionship? And why was it that Yoo Joonghyuk seemed utterly unbothered, blankly staring at the chaos unfolding before his eyes?
"You, just who the hell are you?"
Everything became a blur from there. Those words had struck him at his fragile core and he was shattering. He was falling, his vision obscured, the ground opening up to swallow him whole.
Who was he? Kim Dokja, of course.
But who was Kim Dokja?
He didn't know. So then, was he really Kim Dokja?
—-----------
"Dokja-ssi. Let's go and find the story you've forgotten about."
The beautiful woman spoke to him with a gentle yet firm voice as she grasped both of his cheeks, as if to make sure she could feel his body heat.
As he – no, as Kim Dokja – stared into that woman's eyes, he tried to sort through his messy mind. It felt as if he were stuck in a stuffy archive room with pages upon pages of documents littered all over the floor. He had to pick everything up and reorganise it all over again before he could recognise himself and the lady standing in front of him, her eyes filled with tears.
This lady, her name was Yoo Sangah.
Almost immediately after the thought registered in his mind, Yoo Sangah pulled him up from his desk and dragged him out of the office.
"There's no time to waste, Dokja-ssi. I'm sure you're confused, but we need to get started on our plan."
"Plan? Is it another outing trip to the Han River? Has Han Sooyoung calmed down a bit since that fiasco?"
Kim Dokja's questions came barreling through as Yoo Sangah flinched and remained silent.
"What's wrong, Sangah-ssi?"
"Dokja-ssi, I know it might be hard for you to understand our decision, but we've all regressed. We're now back at the start, a few weeks before the apocalypse begins."
Kim Dokja felt the strength in his knees give out, his breathing becoming shallow, his head aching with the intensity of a thousand glaring suns.
He had fallen into a coma after the picnic, and it seemed like they had brought him back here so he could wake up again.
Kim Dokja knew this. He knew he should be grateful they had considered his pitiful, bedridden state, and yet, he felt hollow, like a plush toy that had lost all its stuffing.
They had brought him back. They had taken him along to face the nightmarish apocalypse once more.
Without his permission.
Kim Dokja wanted to scream out loud. He wanted to tear at his pale and sunken skin. He wanted to wake up.
He desperately wanted to ask Yoo Sangah why she didn’t talk to him about this first. Why none of them had. But as he parted his lips, he realised he couldn't say a word. So there he stood, paralysed in fear of what was to come and the conflicting emotions over his companions' decision.
"What's wrong with Kim Dokja?" someone finally asked.
"…The state of his memories doesn't seem to be stable at the moment. He's experiencing confusion, trying to perceive reality," Yoo Sangah replied as she stared at him in dismay.
Her unspoken apology never reached Kim Dokja.
—------------
[ D-3 until the start of the first scenario ]
Kim Dokja – was that his name? – lay unmoving on his bed as the rest of his companions slept peacefully around him.
Sleep, if however fitful or restless, was nowhere to be found tonight. As he tossed and turned, he heard the sound of footsteps. Then, as if hoping for him to acknowledge their presence before doing anything further, the footsteps stopped. The child crouched next to him and waited.
"Ahjussi… it's me, Yoosung. Can I sleep with you tonight? I promise I won't be a bother."
"Of course, Yoosung-ah. Come here."
Kim Dokja didn't know why his throat was so choked up. With Shin Yoosung snuggled up comfortably next to him, he felt somewhat whole again. Shin Yoosung, too, had gained a little bit of courage as she whispered to him.
"Ahjussi, do you hate us?"
Kim Dokja froze, all the warmth he had felt vanishing in an instant.
"Yoosung-ah, hate is a strong word. Of course I don't hate any of you. But…"
Yoosung shifted around to stare up at him with eyes that were glistening. "But…?"
Kim Dokja closed his eyes, hugging Shin Yoosung to his chest. "But I am afraid. I never thought I had to come back here, my memories are a mess, and I've forgotten so much. Won't I just be a bother? What if I can't be the same ahjussi that you relied on back then?"
Shin Yoosung grew quiet, pondering his words as she gripped his shirt tightly.
"I'm scared too. I don't know how this group regression will end, maybe we all came back to suffer for nothing. But I know one thing for sure, and that's the fact that we all came back to protect and find you, ahjussi."
Kim Dokja's eyelids grew heavy as he listened to Shin Yoosung's words and the steady beat of her heart. That night, just days before the world's apocalyptic scenarios began, Kim Dokja found himself sleeping peacefully.
For the first time in a long while, he did not dream of anything— the field of charcoal, a distant spot on the horizon.
—-------------
"Help us, Kim Dokja."
The plea came from Han Sooyoung as everyone stood around the Final Wall.
Kim Dokja's Avatar raised his head weakly. He had grown more and more tired as they persisted through the scenarios. And now, he had lost all his strength, needing Lee Hyunsung to carry him on his burly back.
They were finally at the end, and the companions needed him to take the final step towards the "other" Kim Dokja. Their Kim Dokja. And the person who was most impatient to meet him was none other than the writer standing before him.
The Avatar knew that this was all because of the story that the "other" Kim Dokja loved so dearly. By now, he had come to accept this fact: he was a fake, and they were on a joint mission to get the real Kim Dokja back.
"The other me might not want this to happen. This story... it already ended back then."
Kim Dokja's Avatar felt pathetic, but he needed to say these words, a final cry for help, for them to see his suffering.
Why do you not ask me how I feel? Do you only care about the other Kim Dokja? No, I don't want to keep going, I don't want to meet him, because if I do, then I will truly have to admit defeat. To accept that I was never the one you wanted.
"Why don't we ask that after meeting the other you?"
And that was it. As if closing off the opening of a tunnel, shutting out any light from the outside world, "Kim Dokja" was trapped, alone.
Han Sooyoung did not want him.
Kim Dokja's Avatar could not bear to look at her any longer, so instead he turned to stare at every single one of his companions’ faces. As his eyes shifted from one person to the next, he silently begged them.
Just once, say something, for me. Just once, tell me that you love me, that I did well as your Kim Dokja. Just once, say my name and mean it with your heart.
But when his eyes finally landed on Yoo Joonghyuk—who looked at him with quiet expectation to fulfil his role as the fake Kim Dokja and open the door to the real one—he realised that this was truly the end. He gave a bitter smile and raised his hand to the Final Wall.
"If this is... the story you wanted..."
Even if it wasn't the story he wanted for himself, even if all he wanted to do now was run right back and take everyone away from this place, none of that mattered, because what the fake desired was never important. Not when the real one was within reach once more.
His pale hand then touched the [ Final Wall ].
The last fragment of the Final Wall was [ The Fourth Wall ], and as Kim Dokja's Avatar, he too held a part of that key. As if this world wasn't acknowledging his existence, the body of Kim Dokja’s Avatar began shaking and trembling.
When they had finally pushed through the final lap, past a snow field that blinded the Avatar with its pure white scenery, they reached a full stop.
The one who imprisoned Kim Dokja inside the wall was none other than himself. And this full stop before them was the lock on the prison door.
Once again, everyone was looking at him—Kim Dokja's Avatar—to solve the issue. To become the key and unlock the door.
When the full stop was changed into a comma, the door was sucked into that black hole.
There he was, the "other" Kim Dokja.
As the fake stared at the real, true version of himself, the Avatar felt his heart burst out of his chest.
You are the one who caused all of this pain, but you are also me. So please, take me back.
I want to be complete again.
But as the Avatar reached towards the floating child, he found himself fragmenting apart.
While his figure began to dissolve and return to the original body, he looked back at Han Sooyoung. He opened his mouth yet no words came out; only story fragments that continued to spill onto the train floor. All he could do was watch as his purpose in this worldline reached its end.
It's over now.
So why was Han Sooyoung yelling at someone to grab him back? Why were her small hands reaching towards him as if to finally embrace him? Kim Dokja reached out his own hand even as it was breaking apart, and Han Sooyoung's fingertips brushed against his scattering story fragments.
[ I'm sorry. ]
Just what was he sorry about? Han Sooyoung didn't know.
[ I'm sorry for being greedy and wanting more than what I deserve. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the Kim Dokja you so desperately wished to see. And now, I'm sorry for having this as my final wish, but if I were to be born again... I hope at least that it's not as Kim Dokja. ]
He knew that it was cruel and selfish to think that, but if he couldn't be the one they wanted, then he would stop trying. He would portray the main character in his own way. He would read the script handed to him on his own terms and in his own interpretations. And maybe then, if they came to love him once more, he could accept that love with confidence. He could face them with pride and not confusion.
On his new journey of self discovery, he would find them once more, like the hands of a clock, separating before meeting again, however brief the intertwined fate may be. This time, he would choose his own favourite parts of the story. He would decide on his own which chapters to read over and over again and which to skim through. Perhaps by then, he could come to understand the "other" Kim Dokja better.
Kim Dokja's Avatar did not know how many of his thoughts reached Han Sooyoung, but he hoped that they were enough as a final farewell. It was a pity that he couldn’t do the same with Yoo Joonghyuk. It didn't matter if they loved a different "Kim Dokja" or were waiting for someone else's return, because he loved them both regardless.
Perhaps the love he had for them was merely half of its original size, but it was whole to him, and he had never known it to be otherwise. With this love in a glass that was neither half empty nor half full, Kim Dokja’s Avatar wished for everyone to find their happy ending, whether it included him or not.
And just like that, he who had lost the right to call himself "Kim Dokja" faded away.
As the rest of his companions struggled and worked together to reach the childlike figure of Kim Dokja, a forgotten electronic device was swept away into the abyss. It had fallen out of a white coat, its owner long gone. The device's screen was still lit, though its battery seemed to be dying, and the only thing that could be seen on the screen were two simple, hastily written lines.
Note:
1. I will read this story once more, in my own way.