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Shauna knows that she shouldn’t have said it. As soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth, her heart stopped, her eyes flashed open, finding herself staring into Jackie’s already opened eyes, staring back at her.
“Jackie, I didn’t– listen Jax, I- I just meant– Jackie,”
Jackie blinks erratically, and all of a sudden she is practically on the other side of the room in the blink of an eye. Shauna watches on, continuing her pleas, as Jackie wipes her lips with the back of her hand, smudging her lip gloss more than it already was.
“Jackie, please,” Shauna whispers, pushing herself up off the bed she was previously lying on. She has laid in this bed a million times over, she could map out Jackie’s bedroom with the finest of details, even if she hadn’t seen it for fifty years. But now, for the first time, it feels almost foreign to her.
Jackie turns around abruptly, facing her vanity, immediately and wordlessly pulling out her lip gloss to reapply it.
“It’s not that big of a deal, I mean, I tell you that…I love you all of the time… Jax, I- I didn’t mean anything different this time.”
Shauna tries to make eye contact with Jackie in the mirror, to no avail.
“I think you should go home, Shauna,” Jackie explains, matter of factly. Both of them pretend not to notice the slight crack in her voice as she says it.
Shauna remains silent, not even realising the tears appearing in the corners of her own eyes.
“Shauna,” Jackie repeats, harsher this time, and it causes Shauna to finally move.
She quickly grabs her things, hoisting her backpack over her shoulder, only pausing when she reaches for the door handle.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow?” she asks, unsure.
Still avoiding eye contact and acting completely nonchalant, Jackie gives a shake of her head.
“Jeff can take me,”
And without saying another word, Shauna leaves the room.
On the drive home, Shauna briefly considers if she should just crash her car into a tree. That would hurt less than the absolute humiliation, guilt and pain she’s dealing with right now. One hand on the wheel, she wipes the tears off her face with her opposite hand.
She’s so stupid. She had Jackie. She was with Jackie. And she ruined it. Because she couldn’t keep her fucking mouth shut.
“I love you Jackie,”
Shauna can still feel Jackie’s breath against her neck, can feel the tingle of when Jackie had kissed along her jaw until she finally reached her lips. The kisses weren’t soft. They were never soft.
Shauna wants to scream. The deal was that they never talked about it. It may not have been spoken aloud but it was obvious the two of them had always known it. They would make out, and that was it, nothing more. If Jackie was drunk, she would then immediately pass out five minutes later, curling herself into Shauna, and wake up the next day as if nothing had happened. If Jackie was sober, she usually would ultimately end up running away to the bathroom, and come back a whole fifteen minutes later, rambling about her plans with Jeff. Whether Shauna was drunk or not, it would result in her just staring blankly at the roof every time, her breathing more laboured as she’d pinch herself to check that it was real. Then she would go home and write in her journal for hours on end, capturing every individual detail in her words.
This was the twelfth time it had happened, Shauna is keeping count. Seven times drunk, five times sober. The first time was when Jackie was surprisingly sober, on her seventeenth birthday. They had just said goodnight to each other, sleeping side by side in Shauna’s bed, their legs tangled together like usual, when Jackie whispered Shauna’s name in the dark.
Five minutes later, Jackie was straddling Shauna’s waist, and Shauna was tasting Jackie’s lipgloss.
Since that night, Shauna has always known that she loves Jackie. That she is in love with Jackie. She always knew that Jackie doesn’t feel the same way, that she was probably just doing this to once again manipulate Shauna’s emotions and gain her attention. Shauna told herself the first few times that it would never happen again… but she gave up on that, one day, when she glanced over at Jackie and noticed a hickey on the side of her neck that Shauna had given her the night before.
But she was never supposed to admit that she loved Jackie out loud. Especially not like that, not at the one time when she could feel Jackie’s hand slowly raising higher, and higher, up under her shirt. Shauna blinks the thoughts and tears away. It’s fine, everything will be fine. Jackie will magically appear next to Shauna when she arrives at her locker, smiling brightly and knocking their shoulders against each other as they walk to their respective classes. Everything will be fine.
***
Everything is not fine.
Shauna barely sees Jackie the next three days. Once she saw her talking to Natalie, and as soon as Shauna began to approach the two, she rushed out a quick goodbye before Shauna was even in a 5 foot range.
When Shauna showed up at school on the third day, she looked up in the hallway to see Jackie already staring at her. A second later, Jeff’s tongue was down Jackie’s throat and Jackie was giggling and smiling, as if a week earlier she hadn’t been complaining about Jeff’s obscene need for public displays of affection.
Jackie and Shauna fight, of course they do. They used to fight over sharing toys and petty arguments. Which transitioned into plays on the soccer field and arguments about Jeff and Randy Walsh. But it never lasted more than four days. It was simply how it worked. And it will be how it works this time too. Shauna will make sure of it.
***
Shauna can’t concentrate on the words in her book. It’s like as soon as she reads them, they’re immediately flying out of her ears, meaning that she ends up reading the same passage about seven times before finally giving up. She heaves a sigh as the book falls onto the floor, thinking.
She stands up, walking to her phone, and checking for any missed messages. She already knows there won’t be any, but she checks anyway.
None.
“Fine, I’ll just do it myself,” she whispers to herself, before dialling Jackie’s number into the phone, holding it to her ear.
She bites her nails as it rings, anticipating the sound of Jackie’s voice answering with her classic: “Howzit Shipman?”
Instead, the phone continues to ring, before going to voicemail.
Shauna groans, going to hang up, but she stops herself just as the tone beeps.
“Uh…hey, Jackie. It’s me, Shauna. I was just…wondering if we could talk, not about anything that-,” she pauses, taking a shaky breath “not about that if you don’t want to. It was uh, it was a mistake, you know? I just miss you, okay? I just… miss my best friend. Call me back.”
She hangs up the phone, before releasing her breath. She hadn’t dared to say ‘I love you’ like she usually does when she hangs up the phone, but she thinks that it’s for the best.
Jackie will be home by now. Usually Shauna and her spend Friday nights together, watching rubbish movies and eating junk food, if there isn’t a party on, that is. Shauna simply knows that Jackie will be at home. She knows that she would have heard the phone ring. And she knows that she wouldn’t have answered simply because it was Shauna, even after the voicemail Shauna left.
Shauna rolls her eyes despite there being no one else to see it.
“She seriously acts like a child sometimes,” Shauna mutters to herself, “can’t we just have a civilised conversation about serious topics for five goddamn seconds,”
Having worked herself up, Shauna immediately redials the same number, which once again ends up going to voicemail.
“Jackie? It’s me again,” Shauna starts, more confident this time, due mostly to the frustration.
“I know you’re there, so can you just pick up the phone? You’re being sort of ridiculous about this, Jax. So for god's sake just talk to me…please, Jackie.”
Shauna softens, “It’s lonely without you,”
And then she hangs up the phone, before trudging over to her bed and pulling out her journal and pen, prepared to scribble into the pages about the emotional rollercoaster Jackie Taylor is putting her through.
But before she can write a word, the phone rings, and Shauna practically sprints to it.
“Jackie? Thank god, I’m so glad you called me back, look I’m really sorry ab-,”
“Shauna?”
Shauna silences, clenching her eyes shut. She pulls the phone away from her face, mutely screaming into it, before bringing it back to her face.
“Hi Tai,”
“Sorry to disappoint you,” Taissa responds, and Shauna can tell she’s smiling through the phone.
“You didn’t disappoint me, I was just expecting-,”
“Jackie?”
“Yeah,”
“I can tell you two are having one of your little spats, so who knows, maybe that will make my offer even more enticing,”
“It’s not a spat , it’s just some…miscommunication,” Shauna defends.
“Definitely not the point. The point is, that there is going to be a party at Megan Jacob’s house tomorrow night, and I need someone to go with me,” Tai explains.
“Isn’t Van going?”
“She’s going to be late, but I have a curfew and want to get the most out of the night as possible, so please? For me?”
“Have you asked anyone else?” Shauna questions, and Tai sighs.
“Strange as it may seem, Shauna, I asked you first because you’re my friend,”
“Nat and Lottie aren’t your friends?”
“Why are you upset that I chose you first, Shauna?”
“What about Misty Quigley?” Shauna asks, teasing now.
“Oh shut up, are you in or not?”
Shauna doesn’t answer for a moment.
“Is Jackie going to be there?” She asks
“Probably,” Taissa responds, and that is what seals it for Shauna.
“Fine. I’ll come.”
Tai lets out a sigh of relief, “great, thank you Shauna. I’ll see you tomorrow night,”
And then she hangs up the phone.
***
Heartbreak Saturday nights, getting ready
To make you see that I’m better already
***
Shauna stands in front of her mirror, applying a slight amount of makeup. It’s not that she didn’t like the look of makeup, it’s just that Jackie had always been the one to apply it, telling her to stop wiggling as she carefully applied lipstick onto Shauna’s lips, her eyes staring at them a moment too long after she was done. But it’s fine, because she can do things without Jackie too.
She’s wearing her red dress that Jackie had bought for her, claiming that red was definitely Shauna’s colour, and that it made her boobs look great. Hence it was from then on, titled her “boob dress”. Jackie would always try and convince her to wear it whenever they went out practically anywhere, Shauna usually rejected the idea, but tonight it was different. She was proving to Jackie that she was doing great without her.
After one last look at herself in the mirror, Shauna sprays an over the top amount of perfume on herself. Not too much that everyone would be avoiding her the rest of the night, but enough that it would be noticeable the entire time she was there. It was the perfume Jackie had bought her for Christmas last year. Then, finally, Shauna leaves out the front door, and climbs into her car, driving straight to Taissa’s.
~~~~~~~
Jackie feels sick. The same feeling in her stomach since she heard Shauna’s ignition start and the sound of her car driving away just a few days ago.
She asked Shauna to leave, twice. So why does it hurt so much that she actually did? But Shauna was being ridiculous. Because she did not love Jackie, that’s for sure. Not in that way. Because neither of them were like that . Jackie is with Jeff, and soon Shauna will find a boy that likes her. (Which is also sort of ridiculous because who could not like Shauna Shipman. Jackie doesn’t quite understand how all of the boys in Wiskayok aren’t lining up simply to exchange a glance with Shauna, as if they’d ever be that lucky).
But the idea of Shauna liking a boy enough to date him makes the nausea in Jackie’s stomach worse.
Jackie wanted to call Shauna back when she heard the first voicemail she left. Jackie had been standing by the phone, listening to it, as if Shauna was in the room with her. Her hand had been hovering above the phone when it rang a second time, causing her to jump backwards, only to be met once again with the sound of Shauna’s voice, more frustrated that time. Jackie forced herself to walk away from the phone before she heard the end of the message.
It’s not like she’s scared to talk to Shauna. What would she be scared of? That Shauna will confess her love again and Jackie will be stood there, stuck between a desperate need to respond and run away?
But Shauna didn’t mean it, when she said it. Because what she and Jackie are doing is just what friends do. Once Jackie had seen Tai and Van make out against a tree at a party a few months ago, and they were best friends, just like Shauna and Jackie. It wasn’t weird. It wasn’t.
Jackie would talk to Shauna on Monday, acting as if nothing had happened. But right now, she just needed some time. Jeff had been complaining about how much time she was spending with Shauna instead of him, so this weekend was his weekend with her. Sure, if Jackie wasn’t avoiding Shauna she probably would have opted to spend more time with her best friend rather than having Jeff Sadecki’s hands grabbing her ass and his tongue down her throat. But this is what girlfriends do. Sometimes they don’t like the way that their boyfriends smell of cologne rather than perfume, or the way their hands are big and rough, or the way their lips weren’t soft and their kisses weren’t meaningful. It was just a normal experience.
So tonight, Jackie was going out to Megan’s party with Jeff. She’d spend some time with him, while also using the crowded party as an excuse that he wouldn’t want anything more. She just wasn’t in the mood for that. (Again, a totally normal experience). And the best thing about it, was that she would be able to completely avoid Shauna, and not have the instinctive need to either call her or walk all the way to her house in the dark to knock on her front door. Because if Shauna didn’t have Jackie, she probably would never go to a party, ever in her entire life.
~~~~~~~
It’s like Shauna has a sixth sense for Jackie Taylor. As if the whole world stops, and there’s a loud dinging in her head until she meets her eyes.
Yes. Jackie is here. Shauna doesn’t know where she is, but she knows that she is here. Immediately, Shauna makes her way over to the keg, knowing that Randy Walsh will be next to it, already high, drunk, and yelling about anything and everything.
“Hey Randy,” she calls out, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. There is a small crowd around him, who make way for her to come through. Shauna immediately wants to throw up when Randy’s eyes immediately beeline towards her chest. Damn this dress.
“Damn Shipman,” he whistles, raking his eyes up and down her body.
Shauna coughs slightly, uncomfortable but trying to hide it.
“Do you mind filling up my cup?” She asks, holding the empty red cup out in front of her.
The small group chuckles around her, and Randy gives her the sleaziest smile possible, before taking the cup from her and holding it under the tap.
“Sure can do,”
She watches him fill up the cup, readjusting her position to look more…sultry, which probably fails miserably, but she tries anyway. Suddenly, she can feel eyes on the back of her head, and that loud dinging in her head returns. Jackie.
“One drink for m’lady,” Randy says, passing the cup back to Shauna. She grabs it, allowing their hands to graze each other, and holding it there for a few moments too long to be usual. Normally she would avoid Randy at all costs, so this short interaction with him is enough to tell everyone watching what her presumed intentions are, including Jackie. Shauna gives Randy a smile that she’s seen Jackie give every boy who has ever attempted to flirt with her, before taking the cup and walking away with a “thanks.”
“What was that all about?” Tai asks once Shauna reappears by her side.
“What do you mean?” Shauna asks, acting oblivious.
“Oh come on Shauna, you’re telling me you just felt like talking to Randy Walsh?”
Shauna’s eyes wander around the party, before her eyes meet Jackie’s. As soon as she realises she’s been caught staring, Jackie dramatically turns away, laughing loudly over absolutely nothing.
Taissa follows her gaze, then lets out a sigh, “of course,”
“What?” Shauna turns back to her.
“Nothing, Shauna. Just, don’t do anything stupid. And don’t drink that,” she gestures towards the cup in Shauna’s hand, before wandering off to find some of her other friends.
Shauna stands alone then, looking down into the cup, before she discreetly pours it out into the dirt behind her. Tai was right, you shouldn’t trust Randy Walsh, especially with your drink.
Shauna hears a sharp laugh from the other side of the party, and can’t help but look to the sound she’d recognise anywhere. Jackie stands, her hands against Jeff’s chest, with his arms looped around her waist, their faces only inches apart.
Shauna tells herself to look away, she tries to tear her eyes to look anywhere else, tells her legs to take her anywhere else but here. But she doesn’t. Instead, she just watches on as Jeff and Jackie begin to make out. His kisses look sloppy, she never really noticed that before, and Jackie isn’t really leaning into it that much, her back straight and her feet flat, with Jeff doing most of the work to move closer to her. Shauna doesn’t know how long it goes on for, she only stops staring when she feels a friendly knock against her shoulder.
“Shauna,”
Shauna turns her head, looking at Lottie, smiling her warm smile beside her.
“Are you enjoying the party?” Shauna asks, and Lottie gives a shrug.
“I only really came so I didn’t have to spend time with my parents, they just got back from two weeks in England.”
“They didn’t take you?” Shauna asks, trying to ignore the need to turn and look back at Jackie.
“They haven’t taken me on a holiday since I was eight years old,” Lottie responds with a light laugh, “but it’s better this way I guess,”
Shauna nods, and the two stand in comfortable silence, before Lottie speaks again.
“You wanna play a round of beer pong with me? I can go get Nat to verse us?”
Shauna shrugs, usually she teams with Jackie, “yeah, sounds good. I can ask Tai if she wants to join,”
“I doubt she’ll want to,” Lottie replies, wiggling her eyebrows and giving a subtle gesture towards where Tai stands, Van now standing by her side.
Shauna laughs, but silently agrees, and the two head off to find Natalie.
***
But it’s beggars revenge, cause she’s with you again
And I try to look away
~~~~~~~
Jackie does not care. She couldn't care less. She doesn’t care when Shauna openly flirts with Randy Walsh (genuinely this time, she’s heard Shauna complain enough times about the way he gawks at her to not care, but when she dwells on it too long, there’s a twisting feeling in her gut). And she definitely doesn’t care when Shauna is playing beer pong with fucking Lottie Matthews and Natalie…whatever her last name is (Jackie always forgets, yeah she can be a pretty crap team captain), plus Misty fucking Quigley, who had practically sprinted to the table once she realised the three of them needed a fourth.
She doesn’t care when Lottie's smile causes Shauna to smile, or the way they bump their shoulders together whenever the opposite one takes a shot. She doesn’t care about the way Natalie runs around the table and jokingly massages Shauna’s shoulders to psyche her out as she makes her throw, or the way that Lottie wraps Shauna in a hug and jumps up and down with her once Misty ‘does the honours’ and chugs the last cup on their side of the table. Jackie. Does. Not. Care.
“Babe?”
Jackie shakes her head, knocking herself out of the tunnel vision she had just been dealing with, for the first time noticing Jeff handing her a cup of beer.
“You good?” He asks, as she takes the cup.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be good?” She asks, and she realises just how defensive she sounds.
“Woah, jeez calm down. I was just asking,” Jeff responds, laughing with a half roll of his eyes.
Jackie spares another glance at Shauna, seeing her with an arm looped around Lottie’s shoulder and her other in the air. Jackie then practically chugs the entire cup.
It’s cold out. Jackie only just realised. Normally Shauna notices first, wordlessly taking off her own jacket and placing it over Jackie’s shoulders, mumbling about how Jackie’s arms are covered in goosebumps and that she’s going to get sick. Jackie hadn’t really considered bringing a jacket, she never does, since Shauna’s always there with one on hand. Jackie notices that Shauna isn’t wearing a jacket tonight either, immediately she glances up, searching for Lottie Matthews, and lets out a sigh of relief once she realises that Lottie is not wearing a jacket of Shauna’s. Shauna just must not have brought one, which Jackie understands, because as she’s told Shauna a million times, the boob dress looks so much better without a jacket…since you can then actually see her boobs.
Jackie should not be thinking about her best friend's boobs right now. Definitely not.
***
Jackie is drunk. Not overly so, but just a little bit further than tipsy. Jeff keeps touching her thigh or her back, and it makes her skin crawl. After an hour of withholding the cold, Jackie had downright asked Jeff for his jacket, which she now wears. It’s too big on her, obviously, and she doesn’t dare put her hands in his gross little pockets. It’s not like Shauna’s jackets, which are too big for her, but in a flattering way, and in a way that smells of Shauna. Jackie could really do with one of Shauna’s flannels right now. When she gets home she’ll probably grab one of the many that Shauna has left over and just…breathe it in.
Wait. No. That’s creepy. Jackie is not going to do that. Jackie can survive living without her best friend for more than four days without going completely insane. She is not going to do that. (She is definitely going to do that).
Shauna has been spending most of the night with Lottie and Natalie, sometimes Tai and Van when they pop up every once in a while. Jackie notices everything, she can’t help it. Even when she’s sitting on a log and Jeff is practically slobbering all over her neck, she is still watching Shauna. Shauna who’s standing so casually yet looks like she should be on the front page of vogue. Her makeup looks good, Jackie notes. Simple, but Shauna. Yes, it looks like Shauna’s makeup.
Maybe Jackie is drunker than she previously thought.
Jeff’s hand creeps up her thigh, and she gently diverts it, murmuring about people watching.
“We could go somewhere else,” Jeff whispers against her neck, and Jackie almost physically cringes.
“Later,” she states, and he makes a frustrated groan before going back to kissing her jaw. Jackie feels nothing but uncomfortable. She closes her eyes for a second, imagining that it’s Shauna instead. Shauna who’s hand gently grazes her waist, and is kissing Jackie’s side profile. Shauna who whispers “you look so hot,” into her ear, instead of Jeff who makes it seem like the most unromantic thing in existence. Shauna who loves Jackie.
No.
Jackie’s eyes flash open. Stupid, stupid brain. Her eyes immediately are met by Shauna, who is staring, across the party. Whose face is emotionless, one hand is clenched by her side. Shauna who is ignoring the conversation around her and not taking her eyes off of Jackie’s, even after being caught.
So what else could Jackie do? If Shauna is going to go and act all flirtatious with anything that breathes, why can’t Jackie have a little fun?
She tilts her head back, allowing Jeff to have more room, before forcing her eyelids to flutter, and running her hand through Jeff’s hair.
“That feels so good baby,” she breathes out.
All the while, keeping complete and steady eye contact with Shauna Shipman.
Their eye contact only breaks when Jeff tries to turn her head to face him, a hand running up towards her chest, Jackie immediately and abruptly stands up as if nothing had happened, because for her nothing really had. She readjusts her dress and looks back to where Shauna stood, but she’s gone.
“Do you wanna get out of here baby?” Jeff asks, standing up next to her and wrapping a hand around her waist.
She hates when Jeff drives her places. He’s usually either drunk or high or both, and he races above the speed limit to show off to her. Sometimes she fakes a laugh or sometimes she clutches onto the seat belt and asks him to slow down but he never listens. She’d rather just go home with Shauna. Shauna drives safely, maybe like a grandmother, but it’s ok because it’s Shauna. And Jackie loves Shauna.
Yeah Jackie is pretty drunk. Because she can’t be bothered to correct her own brain.
Jackie’s eyes search around the party, looking for one person in particular.
“No I’m good,” she replies absentmindedly, before walking away, leaving Jeff standing there.
~~~~~~~
You’re walking past and on habit, I lean in
Close to your toes ‘cause I still think they’re in us
~~~~~~~
“Aren’t you cold?” Van asks, taking a sip of her beer.
“I was a little bit ago…but, I’m feeling warmer now,” Shauna replies quietly, rubbing her opposite arm.
“I have to leave soon, Shauna, for curfew. Do you want to come with me, or-?” Taissa asks, and Shauna shrugs.
“Just let me know when you’re going and I’ll decide then, if that’s okay?”
Tai laughs and gives Van a look, “yeah sure Shauna, I can do that,”
Truthfully, Shauna wants to leave. She’s wanted to leave for an hour now. But this is the most attention Jackie has given her in days, and she’s high on it, even if Jackie hasn’t even spoken a word to her. She can’t stop now.
“I’m going to do a shot, you want one?” Van asks, and Shauna considers for a moment.
“Fuck it, yeah, go on,” she replies, and Van lights up before knocking their shoulders together.
“Fuck yeah Shipman!”
Van leads her into Megan’s house. There’s not many people in there, most people are in her massive backyard, where most of the entertainment actually is. But Van and Shauna do have to step over multiple couples making out around the place.
“Was that Mari’s boyfriend and his cousin?” Van asks, brow furrowed but laughing when they enter the kitchen.
“Oh my god,” Shauna laughs, only just realising that it was.
“That’s fucked,” Van chuckles, opening the bottle of alcohol as Shauna grabs some shot glasses. Once poured, the two of them 'cheers' the glasses before swallowing them. Shauna makes a much more dramatic face than Van, causing the other girl to laugh as Shauna coughs and splutters.
Shauna thinks she notices something out of the corner of her eye at the doorway to the kitchen as the coughs calm, but she chalks it up to the tears in her eyes from the alcohol.
“It’s not that bad Shauna,” Van explains, and Shauna simply sticks her middle finger up with a laugh.
“It just went down the wrong way,” she lies.
“Another?” Van asks, already pouring herself one, but before Shauna can answer, a figure appears in the doorway.
“Oh hey Jackie, want to do a shot with us?” Van asks, and Shauna feels her entire body heat up with either embarrassment or-
“I’m good,” is all Jackie says, walking into the kitchen as if it’s her own. She walks right in front of Shauna, then pauses, and turns to face her, but not looking in her eyes, never looking her in the eyes. Instead, she simply takes a step forward and reaches across the counter behind Shauna, resulting in Shauna practically being sandwiched between the countertop and Jackie who smells of Jackie but also of Jeff, and Shauna immediately wants to tear his jacket off of her and burn it. She’d be willing to peel her own skin off to keep Jackie warm if it meant she didn’t wear that jacket.
Shauna can feel Jackie’s body heat, as she practically leans on top of her, and Shauna can’t help but tilt her head slightly so that their faces are just a tiny bit closer together, as if on instinct.
The moment feels like it lasts 10 years, even though in reality it lasts a second, before Jackie is pulling back with a bottle of beer in her hand. Shauna misses her immediately, it is as if a part of her body is missing, like a phantom limb.
And without saying another word, Jackie is gone.
Shauna just stands there, motionless.
“Shauna?”
Van. She forgot Van was there.
“Yeah?” Shauna half whispers.
“Nothing. You just…you weren’t breathing,”
“Oh.”
~~~~~~~
Jackie does not know why she did that, maybe to maybe Shauna feel something? To make herself… feel something? All she knows is that now she has a bottle of beer she does not want. She doesn’t even like beer. She simply saw Van and Shauna going inside and felt the need to follow them…and then the need to do that. But now it’s like Shauna’s perfume has permanently blocked her sense of smell, as if all she can smell is shauna shauna shauna shauna shauna. It’s the smell she had been wishing for earlier in the evening; the smell that always remained in Jackie’s bedroom hours after Shauna had left.
Jackie has got to get out of here.
It’s like her insides are burning a hole through her skin.
Shauna Shauna Shauna Shauna Shauna.
She wants to just go to Shauna, but she knows that she can’t. Not like this. Not without saying something as equally stupid as what Shauna had said a few days prior. And she can’t do that, because it would obviously be a lie. Because she is not like that. And she doesn’t want to play with Shauna’s feelings like that, even though she knows Shauna is not like that either .
Ultimately, Jackie finds herself in front of Jeff.
“Can we go now?” She asks, despite him having a conversation with someone else.
“Huh?”
“I said, can we go now?” She repeats, and his friend laughs.
“Yeah, fine, yeah we can go now,” he starts, before leaning down to whisper in her ear, “do you think we could go park somewhere and-,”
“Whatever, yeah, sure,” Jackie cuts him off. She can’t bear to even hear what his request is. She won’t do it though. She’ll say she’s too tired and too drunk and Jeff will complain like he always does, and then they’ll compromise and when she gets home she will ferociously brush her teeth about a dozen times.
Jackie wishes it was Shauna taking her home. She misses Shauna.
(She’s far too stubborn to actually talk to her though). So instead, Jackie grabs Jeff’s hand and begins pulling him along.
“Someone is eager,” his friend chuckles, and Jackie pushes down the desire to vomit.
~~~~~~~
When Shauna and Van finally exit the kitchen, another shot later, Shauna immediately notices Jackie, the jacket which is far too big for her making her stick out like a sore thumb.
Jeff is holding her hand, grinning from ear to ear as he whispers something to one of his friends, who lets out a chuckle as he looks at Jackie. It makes Shauna feel sick.
Jackie has her fake smile on. Shauna can spot it from a mile away, the forced ‘perfect’ smile she usually uses around her mother when she insults her daughter’s appearance or intelligence.
Shauna wants to just reach out and hold her. Instead, she stands in place.
She tries to avert her eyes, glancing around the rest of the party, where she notices Lottie dragging Natalie around the corner somewhere, Nat glancing behind them as if to see if they’re being watched. She doesn’t see Shauna.
Shauna’s gaze reverts back to Jackie, who’s now closer to the house, Jackie who is leaving. Shauna always worries when Jackie is alone with Jeff, especially when he’s driving. It’s stupid, because he’s Jackie’s boyfriend, he has more of a right to spend time alone with her than Shauna, but the fear rolls around in her stomach like waves.
Still, Shauna is petty and frustrated, because Jackie is being stubborn and annoying. So she doesn’t say a thing as she watches Jackie leave with Jeff, their hands interlocked, and Jackie’s gaze anywhere besides Shauna.
Why did Shauna have to say those four words? If she hadn’t been so stupid she could’ve left with Jackie ages ago, gone home, and been curled up in her bed with Jackie by her side, talking throughout the entirety of a movie or maybe even kissing her.
Shauna doesn’t know if she could ever regret something more. The only thing worse than that would be…getting pregnant with Jeff’s baby, which would never happen, in a million years. Ew.
But just like that, Jackie is gone, and Shauna doesn’t see the point of being here anymore.
“Are you leaving now?” She asks Tai, and Tai nods.
“I was just coming to tell you,” she explains, “you coming?”
“Yes please,” Shauna responds, and Tai throws her arm over Shauna’s shoulder, before whispering in her ear.
“She’ll be fine by tomorrow,”
Shauna just wordlessly nods, hoping that it’s true.
***
I’m still hurting and I’m still here
You’re still not looking at me, my dear.
I’ll watch you leaving, I’ll watch you go.
And I’ll start nothing, but we both know…