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I sat on a bed in the motel we were staying at after another hunt, waiting for Dean to come back from talking to Castiel, who had just returned from Purgatory. We had absolutely no idea how he got out or rather who got him out. Of course, we were all more than glad that he was back but it was strange, to say the least.
He was down there for more than a year. It was horrible. When Dean and Castiel killed Dick Roman they were sent to Purgatory with him. Sam went away and started a new life and I had to somehow cope with the fact that one of my (adopted) brothers was probably dead (at that point I didn´t know that he was in Purgatory) along with the angel I was madly in love with, so I was left alone. I understood why Sam left, he´s been through way too much the year before that with Lucifer and hunting Leviathan, but still, it hurt. Of course, I tried everything to get Dean and Castiel back, but nothing helped, so I just continued hunting, I drove around with Garth, helped him on cases and tried to stay sane. And then Dean appeared, making me think I had gone insane. Luckily I was used to the Winchesters coming back after they died, hell, I came back once myself, so I was able to cope faster than most people would.
I looked up as soon as I heard footsteps approaching. Dean came in and sat beside me on the bed.
"What´d he say?" I asked. I was worried sick and the expression on Dean´s face didn´t make it any better.
"Well, first he said he was fine, then I said he should, maybe, go back up to Heaven, see what´s going on and he immediatly said no. I wanted to know why, of course, and he said that he couldn´t endure being up there after everything he´d done. He said, and I quote ´When I see what Heaven´s become, what I made of it, I´m afraid I might kill myself´. And then Sam came in." Dean´s expression was blank the whole time and I was sure that mine was a mixture of fear, pity and sadness.
"I... do you think I can talk to him?" I asked quietly. Dean nodded slightly so I quickly got up and headed to the other motel room, the one in which Castiel was.
I gently knocked at the door, waiting for a response, but there was none. I tried not to panic and slowly opened the door. Castiel was sitting on a bed, his head in his hands and his shoulders were shaking slightly. Oh no, please don´t I thought please don´t be crying. I approached the bed opposite of the one he was sitting on and kneeled down in front of him. He must´ve heard me as he looked up from his hands. His eyes were red and slightly puffy and there were tears on his cheeks. It felt as if someone stabbed my heart with a burning hot knife.
I gently lifted my hand and ran it through his hair till I reached the back of his neck were I left it. I slowly pulled him forwards and as he didn´t resist I threw my other arm around his waist, embracing him tightly. Almost immediatly he hugged back, burying his face in my shoulder. Neither of us said a word as we kneeled/sat there, hugging each other tightly. I rubbed soothing circles on his back, well, at least I hoped they were soothing. His hot breath ghosted over my neck, occasionally sending shivers down my spine, but I ignored it. After several minutes he gently pulled away and looked at me. I wiped away some tears on his cheeks and he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes briefly.
"If you want to talk, I´m always there for you. I will always listen, it doesn´t matter what time it is or what I´m doing, if you need me, I´ll be there" I whispered, barely audible. I didn´t want to force him into talking, but I wanted him to know that I´d always be there. I never exactly had anyone to go to and talk, so I knew that it really sucked not having anyone to be there for you. A tiny smile grazed his lips as he whispered a quiet "Thank you".
I slowly got up since my knees started to hurt. Castiel´s expression turned slightly panicked as he feared that I´d leave, so I quickly sat next to him on the bed. He seemed to calm down and slowly leaned towards me. Eventually he put his head on my shoulder, burying his nose in my hair. I started to rub his back again, wanting to comfort him and reassure him that I wouldn´t go anywhere.
"It´s gonna be okay, Castiel" I whispered over and over "everything will be okay again. If you let me, I´ll help you through this" he nodded almost unnoticably, but it was enough.
"You have to promise me something" I mumbled after what felt like an eternity.
Castiel lifted his head off of my shoulder and looked at me, a hint of confusion in his ocean blue eyes. "Anything" he said quietly, his voice a tad rougher than usual.
"Please, don´t do anything stupid. I can´t loose you, you´re too important to me." my voice wavered slightly but he didn´t seem to notice. He just looked at me with an intensity in his gaze that made me feel as if he was looking straight at my soul. After some seconds he nodded, causing a tiny smile to tug at my lips.
Neither of us said anything else, too caught up in our own thoughts. I didn´t know how long we stayed there or how long we stared at each other. I didn´t know whether everything would turn out good in the end or if everything would go south soon. All I did know was that we´d get through this, that, somehow, we´d make it, like so many times before.