Chapter Text
I.
“Jay, I’m really sorry to ask for your help again,” Daniel says, smiling lopsidedly, apologetically. “I really can’t do anything without you.”
Jay shakes his head, lips quirked up in a small smile, as he steps aside to let Daniel into his apartment.
“You keep telling me not to worry, but I feel like I’m always on the receiving end of your generosity,” Daniel replies, pouting. Today, he is dressed in the 19th combo Jay made for him; a warm-toned tweed overcoat over a satin white shirt and dark blue jeans. Daniel sheds off his Jordans in front of the shoe rack and follows Jay inside.
Jay glances at Daniel, with a soft smile. It’s okay, I want to do this for you, he tells him.
Daniel seems to get it, as he sighs and smiles back at him. “You’re really my lifesaver,” he answers.
What Jay doesn’t say is this: he likes it when Daniel needs him, likes it when he can spoil him but he especially likes it when Daniel asks him to dress him up in his clothes however he wants to. Jay, as much as he aspires to be a doctor, loves clothes and dressing up more than anything. And having the opportunity to doll up the most gorgeous person he knows is hardly a favor.
What’s the occasion this time? Jay asks instead. The two of them head inside Jay’s walk-in closet. It’s a good thing that their sizes are similar enough that most of his clothes fit him. He sifts through some clothes and briefly stops in front of a cream-colored midriff button-up. An impromptu image flashes in his mind of Daniel in the crop top with black jeans, abs exposed. He quickly shakes his head to remove the image, cheeks flushing a deep red, and moves on.
“The occasion?” Daniel repeats, letting out a shy laugh. Red creeps up his neck and ears. It’s cute, Jay thinks. “I am going on a date.”
Jay goes very still. The cloth that he removed from a hanger slips from his fingers. He quickly regains his composure, catching the silk blouse before it falls. A date? he asks with a smile that’s only a tad bit fake.
Daniel chuckles again, fidgeting with his fingers. He is nervous, Jay observes, but there is something more to it. He looks giddy. Well, it’s good that Daniel found someone that makes him so excited. He deserves it. He deserves everything.
(He always knew it couldn’t be him, anyway, so why does it still bother him?)
“Yeah… I have liked her for a while. She’s nice… and kind. So, I mustered up the courage and asked her out yesterday,” he tells Jay. Then, with an even brighter smile that makes his eyes disappear into crescents, he adds, “She agreed!”
Crystal from class?
“How did you know it was Crystal?” Daniel asks sheepishly, “Am I really that obvious?”
Jay shakes his head.
“You don’t think anyone else noticed? I hope so,” Daniel replies softly.
Daniel looks in love, and Jay has to admit it’s a good look on him. He seems happy and glowing, and excited, and it makes his eyes shine brighter than usual. He looks gorgeous when he is in love.
(If Jay was more honest with himself, he would admit he doesn’t like it when Daniel is in love.)
She makes you happy, Jay observes.
Daniel breaks out into another one of his blinding smiles. “She does. I really hope today goes well.”
Don’t worry, you’re amazing. She’ll definitely like you.
“You think so?” Daniel sounds so hopeful. Jay wonders how he can’t see all the people caught up in his orbit, and how he still doubts himself. If it was anyone else, Jay would think they were fishing for compliments, but with Daniel, he knows he really means it. Jay has an inkling suspicion that before J-High, he probably wasn’t received well by his peers. He can’t fathom why though.
I know so.
“I hope you are right.”
Jay bites his lip and smiles back at Daniel. With the additional information, he decides to overgo the velvet shirts. They may be too intense for a first date. Something more casual …
He pulls out a sleeveless, caramel-colored, cashmere knitted sweater with a large v-neck and keeps it aside. A simple, loose white dress shirt and taupe slacks would pair well with them. To complete the look, he could wear a pair of Chelsea boots and an expensive watch.
What do you think of these? Jay asks Daniel expectantly, once he gathers all the pieces.
“I can’t really tell,” Daniel admits, an embarrassed flush on his cheeks. “But your outfits have never let me down, so I’m sure it’ll look good.”
No, it’s you, Jay thinks absently, you look good in everything. Outwardly, he just sighs fondly.
When Daniel comes out of the dressing room, he looks dashing but something is still off. Jay stares at him for a few seconds longer, hand on his chin. Oh , he thinks and moves closer. He fixes the collar and rolls up the shirt sleeves for him to expose his toned biceps. It’s only after he’s done that he realizes how close they are. he quickly moves away, a flush rising up his cheeks traitorously. Thankfully, Daniel can be dense when it comes to these kinds of things.
Roll up the other sleeves the same way, Jay tells him.
“Oh? Okay,” Daniel obeys easily. Once he’s done, Daniel does a little spin for Jay and glances at him with his eyebrows raised, asking him how he looks.
Like boyfriend material, Jay thinks. It has a bit of the old-money, academic vibe going on and Jay is weak to it. He looks more than good - stunning. Jay gives him a thumbs up and smiles back.
Once Daniel leaves, Jay closes the door after him and slides down against the door leaning against the white wood. His bangs fall over his eyes and prick the skin on his nose. He lets out a sigh and suddenly feels very tired. He is happy for his friend.
Jay is happy. He really is. Then, why doesn’t it feel that way?
He must come across as pathetic. His only saving grace is that his butler is away on business with his father for the weekend. Something about additional protocol and training to protect him. Jay doesn’t really care, he’s only glad that no one sees him like that.
He hates himself a little, for feeling this way, for falling in love with the one person he can’t have. Tomorrow, Daniel will come over. Jay will ask him how his date went Daniel will happily gush about how much he likes her and Jay will be happy for him.
For now … for now, he lets himself hate Crystal. For being kind and strong, for having Daniel’s eyes on her. He wishes it was easier to hate her, to not feel like the bad guy for wanting her to disappear.
…
It’s past ten at night. Jay finds himself obsessively cleaning the kitchen that he doesn’t even use and is already spotless. He is rearranging the condiments in one of the cupboards in alphabetical order when Daniel calls her.
He perks up immediately, and shoves the rest of the containers, not bothering to arrange them in order anymore, and picks up the call, not really expecting anything in particular.
“Hey.” Daniel’s voice sounds very quiet, all the excitement from earlier the day had seemingly evaporated away.
Jay hums to show he is listening. He furrows his eyebrows, concern already leaking into his mind.
“Can I … never mind. What are you doing?”
Jay bites his lip and holds the phone away from his ear for a moment and pulls up the texting app.
Do you want to come over?
He hears Daniel’s breath catch momentarily. Then, a hesitant, “Can I?” follows.
Of course, he writes back.
…
“She said she only went on a date with me so she could reject me properly since I didn’t seem to get the memo,” Daniel tells Jay, eyes droopy and more dejected than Jay has seen them in a while. He is lying on Jay’s leather couch upside down, socked feet pushed up against the wall.
Jay shrugs. It’s her loss.
Daniel's pout deepens. “I was really looking forward to it…” he trails off.
Jay runs his hands through Daniel’s hair. It seems to comfort him so he continues. Jay hums. I know you were.
“You know what hurts the most though?” Daniel asks him. Jay shakes his head.
“It’s not that she turned me down. I think … I think I already knew she didn’t like me like that but I thought I could change her mind if I dressed up nice and tried to show more of me but,” he bites his lip, eyebrows scrunched, “but everything I did, she kept thinking, had an ulterior motive. It’s like she could not see beyond whatever prejudice she holds against me. I was so nervous, but she couldn’t even be bothered to be nice about it.”
“I know that she doesn’t owe me an apology or anything for not liking me but she didn’t have to be so crass. I liked her because she always seemed like someone who did not get swayed by the people around her and could hold her ground. She was strong and kind, no matter how harsh everyone was to her.”
Jay feels himself shrink a bit. Suddenly, he gets why Daniel chose her over him. He has always run away from his problems. When training with Sophia got too difficult, he ran away. When he was hurting and no one wanted to listen to him, he didn’t fight for himself, he just stopped talking. All his life, he has always chosen the easier option over choosing himself.
She sounds like a strong person, Jay agrees.
“But turns out she isn’t as strong as I thought she was,” Daniel says with a wry smile. “What hurt the most in the end, is that I fell in love with someone that didn’t exist. That appears to be a common theme with all the people I like.”
What do you mean?
Daniel hesitates, but eventually answers, “Crystal is nice to those who are weak and need help but she is also short-sighted. During our entire date, she was very condescending, acting like she knew all about me just because I’m … I’m attractive. She seemed to think I was born with a silver spoon in my life. It was very invalidating. I couldn’t take it anymore and I told her she was projecting her insecurities onto me.”
Do you regret it? Jay asks.
“I’m not sure. I should, right? It was wrong to target her insecurities,” Daniel replies. “But, she hurt me first. So, is it really my fault?”
Did it feel good?
“No,” Daniel answers honestly, closing his eyes. “I should apologize to her tomorrow. She walked out after that.”
It’s okay, Jay tells him. It’s normal to lash out when you’re hurt. You don’t need to beat yourself up over it.
For a while, they let the television fill in the silence with some show running in the background. Jay thinks the main character is a soldier or a cop, or maybe a doctor and lawyer. He stopped paying attention a long time ago. While Daniel mindlessly watches the movie, Jay watches him. Daniel’s eyes are slightly red-rimmed like he cried before he got here.
“At least I have you,” Daniel finally says, breaking the silence.
Always.
…
Daniel apologizes to Crystal the next day like he said he would. It goes better than anyone expected. Jay watches from the classroom window on the second floor as Daniel and Crystal talk behind the school. During these hours the area is usually empty. In the past, it used to be a common bullying ground but since Daniel arrived in J-High and changed things around here, it’s become more desolate
Daniel meets Crystal’s eyes and explains calmly why he is sorry and bows a full ninety degrees. At first, Crystal is startled. Once she is over the initial shock, she shakes her head and says, “You were right.” The words are spoken quietly; Jay wouldn’t have heard it from the second floor if not for how accustomed he has become to even the smallest sounds since he stopped talking.
“I was unfairly prejudiced and was no better than all of the people who judged me and were to me because of my appearance,” she admits. If Daniel wasn’t in love with Crystal, Jay thinks he would have wanted to be friends with her. She has the kind of humility where she is unafraid to admit her flaws but holds herself with enough self-respect to not let people walk over her. He thinks he would have found that admirable if she also wasn’t someone who hurt his best friend.
(If she also wasn’t someone who gave up so easily on the one thing Jay would do anything for.)
They talk for a bit, but Jay tunes out after a while, watching the sunset bathe them together. After the air is cleared between the two of them, Daniel and Crystal fall into a comfortable discussion. Crystal makes Daniel laugh and Crystal watches him with curiosity. Jay wonders if they’ll try again. It makes something in his stomach twist. He picks up his bag and decides to hit the gym tonight. It’s been a while.
…
“I was a bit too harsh about Crystal. I wasn’t thinking straight since I was hurt,” Daniel explains over the dinner they share at the cafe near the school. My treat! Daniel had said when Jay emerged from the classroom. Jay was surprised when he realized the other person had been waiting for him.
Jay hums, as he listens to Daniel, not even bothering to eat so he can have his full focus on Daniel, who is currently digging into his second pack of french fries. He steals one from Daniel, dipping it into the sauce, and returns his attention to the boy in front of him.
Are two going to try again? he wants to ask.
Daniel gets the question because he answers it, shaking his head. “I think we can slowly become friends but after what happened during the date … I think we both hurt each other too much to really open ourselves up for something deeper and … more vulnerable so quickly again.”
Jay nods. Makes sense.
“Yeah. Honestly, I’m not into her anymore. I’m still in love with who I thought she was… but now that the rose-tinted glasses have fallen off, I am starting to realize she is not that different from everyone else,” Daniel replies. “Does that make me sound shallow? That such a small thing is a deal breaker for me?”
Jay shrugs. I don’t know, he says. What he does not show, is the immense relief he feels. It makes him feel a little guilty for conspiring against his best friend’s happiness, but he is only human too.
Daniel hums. “Jay, have you ever liked anyone?” He asks, suddenly changing the topic.
Jay flushes a deep red and suddenly starts shoving food in his mouth. He can’t answer if he’s too busy eating, right? Never mind that he is nonverbal, to begin with.
Daniel snorts and watches him so fondly, it almost makes Jay pause. “I get it. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I was just curious since you never mention any girls you’re interested in.” Then, like an afterthought, he adds, “Or anyone of any other gender that you’re interested in.”
Jay does pause this time. Something lodges itself in his throat and suddenly he feels very emotional. He doesn’t answer, opting to swallow the food slowly instead. Jay briefly glances at Daniel who is looking somewhere far away through the glass walls of the restaurant. Daniel doesn’t push for answers and Jay doesn’t offer any. Even so, the silence that settles is a comfortable one.
Jay hopes things will always be like this between the two of them.