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It began as an itch in the back of his throat. A discomfort usually associated with an incoming cold. Aaron had dismissed it as a sign that a cold bug was doing the rounds at Jack’s school again; therefore he took some preemptive cold and flu tablets and continued on as normal. The itch remained for a few days, not developing into anything worse but also not fully fading away. Emily offered him some extra-strength cough medicine with a smile but the medicine only seemed to make his throat worse.
Then came the coughing.
Worse than any cold or flu he had had before. Painful, racking fits that left him doubled over, unable to control or stop coughing. Again, he attempted to resolve it himself, taking as much cough medicine as was safe to do. However, the coughing continued. The team were concerned and offered a variety of medicines and home remedies. It was Emily’s suggestion to combine them into a super cough medicine cocktail which made him laugh and prompted the worst coughing fit once he was back in his office. He coughed to the point where he thought he was going to be sick. At least he hadn’t been sick.
Yet.
“You should see a doctor,” Rossi advised as he watched Aaron cough painfully for over a full minute without stopping. He knew that whatever this was, it was more than just a cough. Whether it was a chest infection or asthma or something else, he didn’t know but he did know that Aaron would be too stubborn to see a doctor. In fact, Aaron’s stubbornness and the pattern he had begun to notice correlating between Emily’s presence and Aaron’s coughing meant there was a third idea in his mind for diagnosing Aaron’s affliction.
“I’m fine,” Aaron rasped. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt like there was something lodged in his throat. Despite the fact that he hadn’t eaten since lunch and had there been something in his throat, the coughing should have dislodged it by now. Whatever it was, it wasn’t affecting him that much in the field and he was not going to worry everyone by going to the doctor.
“You’re not fine,” Rossi insisted before he pulled out the big guns. “Jess told me that she’s worried about you. So is Jack. He’s asked her why your cough isn’t getting better.”
“That’s low,” Aaron commented as he stifled another cough. “Even for you.”
“What’s low?” Emily asked as she stepped into Aaron’s office, her files in hand. She had heard Aaron’s coughing from the bullpen and she was growing more concerned for him by the day. It wasn’t normal to have a cough linger for as long as Aaron’s had already.
“Apparently reminding Aaron that people care about him is a low blow to get him to see a doctor.” Rossi stated as Emily set the files onto Aaron’s desk. Aaron made the mistake of looking into her eyes, the concern was almost enough to ease the pain in his throat. Almost.
“You should go, whatever it is, it might be serious.” Emily stated kindly. “Also if anything were to happen to you, Rossi would have to take over and that would be a disaster.”
“Hey!” Rossi protested as Aaron gave a small smile. Emily always had a way of making him smile, a way of finding the humour or positives, whether it was silly, dry or macabre humour, she had her talent of making him smile. It was one of the reasons why he lov- no.
“You need to see a doctor,” Emily advised as she left his office. “That’s an order!”
Aaron watched her return to her desk. The light grace, almost that of a dancer’s as she bounced down the steps and around the desks and agents. The carefree smile on her face as she helped Reid gather up the scattered files which had just fallen from his desk. The way her glossy, jet black hair fell across her face, glinting in the lights from the ceiling. He felt a swell of affection in his chest at the sight of Emily. It wasn’t just that she was beautiful and brave; she was clever, kindhearted, generous, hilarious and the truest friend he had. There was truly no one else like Emily. It was no wonder that he fell in love with her.
The swell of affection in his chest suddenly lurched into the increasingly-familiar urge to cough. This time as Aaron doubled over, coughing uncontrollably, he felt something dislodge in his throat. With one final cough, something fell into his palm and for a moment, the ache in his throat seemed to fade. Rossi, who had hurried over to pat Aaron’s back, looked on in horror as Aaron uncurled his fingers to reveal the small, white petal that lay innocently among the speckles of phlegm, saliva and blood in the palm of his hand.
“Is that a-” Rossi began and Aaron nodded. His throat was burning and the innocuous petal confirmed what he had been attempting to deny for weeks.
“I need to call the doctor,” Aaron admitted as he wiped his hand against his trouser leg. The petal drifted lightly to the carpeted floor as he picked up his phone and scrolled to find the number.
Two hours, several awkward questions and painful examinations of his throat later, Aaron had the confirmation he had been dreading.
Hanahaki.
The diagnosis was as ominous as he had feared. The disease had already reached the point where he was coughing up petals. Soon flowers. Then full plants, including the roots or twigs depending on the flower. Then death. The doctor was sympathetic but firm as she laid the prognosis and options in front of him.
The first option was to undergo surgery to remove the flowers and petals before they reproduced further. However the surgery was risky and those who had survived the operation reported afterwards losing all feeling, including friendship, towards the person who inspired the feeling of love in the first place. Others reported never being able to fall in love again, even years after the surgery.
The second option was to do nothing. To allow the disease to run its course, eventually becoming terminal. To die suffocated by flowers sounded romantic; the reality was anything but. Terminal Hanahaki patients had coughed up almost every part of the flower's plant. Stems, roots, thorns, twigs, leaves; it was not a pretty sight.
The third was to wait to see if the recipient shared those feelings. If they did, the disease would be cured. If not, the disease would spread faster, decreasing the limited window for which surgery could be completed before the disease became terminal.
Those were his options; lose any chance of love, possibly receive that love in return or death. Considering he had Jack, there was only one option he could choose.
“How long would I have to wait for the surgery?” Aaron asked as the doctor examined her notes.
“As the petals have just begun, we still have time,” she reassured Aaron. “If you need time to think or explore the alternatives…”
“No. I have a son and he needs me. Book the surgery.” Aaron insisted as he gave another cough. Another petal landed in his hand. Was it a good or bad thing that by now, he was used to coughing the petals. And that was only within the span of a few hours.
“Very well,” the doctor nodded as she looked at her screen. “The botanist was able to confirm the petal type. It helps patients to identify who their love is and the origins of their feelings; whether those are the feelings their love inspires in them, shared experiences or if the love is more platonic, romantic or sexual in nature.”
“Go on then,” Aaron prompted. In his limited research, most articles on Hanahaki focused on the patients coughing up rose petals. However, other plants and flowers had been recorded, violets, forget-me-nots, hyacinths. One poor case study highlighted a sufferer who coughed up cactus flowers and eventually the cactus itself. The small white petals seemed familiar but also could be from any number of flowers.
“It’s a Hawthorn flower. They symbolise happiness, hope and love as well as being an ancient Celtic symbol for love and protection. However, that does mean we need to prioritise your surgery.” The doctor explained to Aaron, who nodded. He didn’t need to ask why. Hawthorn trees, while beautiful in bloom, had spikes on the branches. Very sharp spikes. If they were to force their way out of his throat…
“Do it,” Aaron insisted. It wasn’t a matter of the surgery being the right or the wrong choice.
It was the only choice.
“What did the doctor say?” Jess asked as she sat down at the dinner table with Aaron. Jack was playing with his toys, preoccupied in his own world. Aaron watched his son play, the decision he had made to proceed with the surgery only reinforced as he watched the delight on Jack’s face as he lost himself in his imaginary world where action figures walked, everything was protected and no harm could come to them. No matter what happened to him, he couldn’t let his son lose another parent.
“It’s Hanahaki, I’ve already decided to proceed with the surgery. In the meantime, there’s medications I can take and I won’t be in the field on cases.” Aaron replied as Jess’s eyes widened at his words.
“You’re getting the surgery?” Jess asked. “Are you sure that’s the best thing to do?”
“It’s the only thing I can do.” Aaron insisted. “If I don’t get the surgery…”
“There is an alternative,” Jess prompted gently. “If you spoke to-”
“No.” Aaron insisted firmly even as the familiar itch in his throat began at the mere thought of her. “I’m getting the surgery.”
“But Aaron,” Jess began and Aaron shook his head firmly before he coughed again, more petals landed in his hands. “What flower is it?”
“Hawthorn, if I don’t, after the full flowers, come the spikes.” Aaron explained. “I have to do it, not for me, for Jack. He can’t lose me.”
“He won’t lose you,” Jess reassured as she looked at Aaron with a steeliness in her gaze that made her resemblance to Haley striking. “What about your promise?”
Aaron furrowed his brow before he realised what Jess was talking about. “You’re seriously using that?”
“Yes,” Jess replied simply. “You promised her, you promised Haley that you would show Jack what love is but-”
“But this isn’t love!” Aaron insisted as another coughing fit took over. “This isn’t healthy! Besides, if-if she doesn’t then it will get worse.”
“But if you get the surgery, then you’ll lose her.” Jess countered.
“And if I don’t get the surgery, Jack will lose me.” Aaron retorted. “I’m not changing my mind.”
“I know but please, just, consider it.” Jess pleaded as she wiped her eyes. The cure seemed so obvious, so easy, but she knew that it was a combination of Aaron’s stubbornness and fear which prevented him from attempting the cure. It was also true that a Hanahaki patient risked making their diagnosis fatal if their loved one did not return their affections; depending on the stage of the disease, a rejection after it was too late to operate meant certain death. However Aaron wasn’t at that stage yet and it was obvious to everyone, everyone except Aaron and Emily themselves that their feelings for one another were mutual.
It was just that Aaron’s diagnosis had put a time limit on whether they would act on it or not.
For the next few weeks, Aaron attempted to control his symptoms as best as he could. Aside from Jess, the only other people who knew the truth about his illness were Rossi, of course, and Strauss. Strauss only knew because he had to confirm the time off he would need for the operation and recovery as well as the extent of his illness and how it would impact the team. As for the team themselves, all they had been informed was that he had an issue, an issue which could be controlled by medication until the surgery. After the surgery, he would be completely cured.
Whether or not they put the pieces together, he didn’t care. Aaron knew that Emily didn’t know. It was better this way, for both of them.
It was three weeks after his diagnosis, that Penelope discovered the truth. He had remained with her in Quantico while the team went to Nebraska. His doctor had arranged a pre-surgery consultation with a surgeon who specialised in the removal of Hanahaki flowers. The surgeon was in such a high demand that rescheduling the appointment had been out of the question.
Luckily for Aaron, the appointment had been successful and the surgeon agreed to operate on him in six weeks. Which, despite seeming like a lifetime when Aaron was the one crouched over a toilet, watching petals drift on the surface of the toilet water along with blood, bile and phlegm; was a lot sooner than many Hanahaki sufferers had had to wait. For the first time since he had coughed up his first petal, Aaron almost felt a sense of hope.
Almost.
Aaron knew that surgery was the best way he could save his life, save Jack the trauma of losing his only other parent. He also knew the effects that came with the surgery. To lose all of his feelings for Emily, even platonic friendship. Although she would remain as part of the team, still be in his life, things would be different. For him anyway. Emily would just continue to see him as her boss, her colleague. The way she always had. For Emily, things would remain the same.
A tiny, selfish part of him wanted to consider the alternative; to be honest with Emily about how he felt. However he also knew that she didn’t feel the same and any rejection, even a kind one, would only make his sickness worse.
In fact, according to one particular study; a gentle rejection of a Hanahaki sufferer’s feelings only served to worsen the symptoms due to the apparent care the intended held alongside the heartbreak and rejection; the knowledge that whatever care and affection that did exist would only ever remain platonic, with no hope for any romance. In contrast, the colder rejections helped to ease the sufferer’s decision to proceed with the operation or the alternative; the confirmation that there would never be anything, not even kindness, an unwelcome but effective balm against the sickness.
Apparently it was one of the few literal examples of being cruel to be kind.
And Emily, sweet, kindhearted, loving Emily. She would be gentle in her rejection. He could already hear the soft inclination of her voice and feel the tender hold on his hand as she carefully and firmly informed him that she was flattered but she didn’t reciprocate his feelings. Aaron could picture it so vividly, it was as clear as a memory as opposed to a hypothetical scenario; as if he had already attempted the confession and received her rejection in return.
Indeed, the mental image was so vivid that it triggered a prolonged coughing fit, more painful and longer than most of his other coughing fits.
“Sir, I needed to-” Garcia trailed off as she walked into Aaron’s office, just in time to see a large number of petals drift from Aaron’s overflowed hands onto his desk. “Oh my God!”
Garcia stepped into his office and locked the door before she hurried over to Aaron’s desk. The dozens of petals, some speckled with blood, others pure white and perfect lay deceptively innocently on the desk as Aaron took a drink of water and coughed up a final petal which landed with the others.
“Sir, I had no idea,” Garcia said tearfully. In all the books and movies, Hanahaki was portrayed as romantic, tragic, an unrequited love which usually ended with a heartbreaking death scene as the realisation came too late or a dramatic confession of love just as the moment when all hope seemed lost. It was a spell that much like Sleeping Beauty’s curse, could only be broken by True Love’s Kiss.
The reality was very different.
The reality was watching her strongest and toughest friend wipe spots of fresh blood from his lips. His exhausted, bloodshot eyes reflecting a weariness from constantly coughing and retching up flower petals for weeks. It was the knowledge that one of her dearest friends, her family was sick, dangerously sick with nothing she could do to help him.
“I didn’t want to tell anyone,” Aaron admitted as Garcia looked at him tearfully as more and more pieces of the puzzle fell into place.
“Your operation… are you sure that’s what you want?” Garcia asked, they knew what the outcome of the operation would be and that was a sacrifice that she could never even begin to imagine being able to make.
“It’s not about what I want,” Aaron confessed as he looked at Garcia; he knew that she wouldn’t try to convince him or try to force his hand. She would understand, she mightn’t agree but she would understand. “It’s what I need to do.”
“For Jack?” Garcia asked and Aaron nodded. He knew that Rossi and Jess meant well with their insistence that he be honest about his feelings. However, if he fell in love once, it was therefore logically possible that he could do so again. It might not be with Emily but maybe, maybe it would be OK.
“Yes,” Aaron admitted. Also because he knew that he was too much of a coward to speak to Emily about how he felt. As if to reiterate the point, Aaron doubled over coughing heavily. This time however, the retching began. Garcia hurried across the room and picked up the wastepaper bin beside his desk, grateful that there was a bag inside and held it under his face. Aaron could tell that this time was different and when the coughing subsided, there were several whole hawthorn flowers mixed alongside the crumpled pieces of paper. “Damn,”
“Are those the first full flowers?” Garcia asked worriedly. She knew what that meant and she hoped that Aaron’s surgery had been booked for sooner rather than later.
“They are,” Aaron said as he took a mouthful of water, rinsed his mouth and spat it atop the flowers in the bin. “My surgery is in a few weeks.”
“Will it be in time?” Garcia asked, her eyes wide and fearful. If left too late, the surgery would not be able to do anything. The disease would become terminal.
“It should be, I’ll have to call the doctor and see if we can reschedule it.” Aaron explained. If he was already coughing up full flowers, it wouldn’t be long until the thorns came.
“If there’s anything I can do,” Garcia offered helplessly. Truthfully, she wasn’t sure if there was anything she could do. She couldn’t cure the disease, nor could she perform the surgery. However there had to be something she could do to help.
“I’ll let you know,” Aaron said sincerely, touched by the care Garcia had for him as well as relieved that she hadn’t tried to argue against his operation.
“Thank you Sir,” Garcia said as she flung her arms around him and hugged him tightly. She always knew the Boss Man was the bravest person she had ever met and this just confirmed it. To have the courage to make such a sacrifice; his love, his happiness, everything, for his son… she knew that she could never have the courage to do so.
Emily Prentiss was a lot of things but she was most definitely not stupid.
She knew that Aaron had been avoiding her and she wasn’t sure why that was. As far as she knew, she hadn’t said or done anything to anger or upset him and although they spent time together as a team, he seemed distant with her. Their usual exchanges, wry comments in the bullpen, discussions about Jack on the jet, private conversations when they were by themselves; had all either stopped completely or were less frequent. Emily understood that Aaron was ill, like herself, he hated being ill.
However, being ill was not a reason to be rude to a friend. Any suggestions she made for them to spend time together was met with a feeble excuse. When it was just the two of them in the BAU in the evenings, his office door was locked with the blinds turned down. Any texts she sent, unless they related to a case, were ignored. If she had done something to anger or offend Aaron, it wasn’t like him to give her the cold shoulder, if anything, the two of them relished a good argument as much as they did a joke at Rossi’s expense.
Therefore, Emily made a decision as the jet landed back in Quantico from Nebraska. She was going to be the adult and confront Aaron about his behaviour.
Tonight.
“What are you doing here?” Aaron asked as he opened the door to Emily. Not only was it late, she hadn’t even called or texted to say she was on her way. He supposed it was inevitable. He couldn’t have hidden it from Emily forever.
“I need to talk to you.” Emily said as she stepped past him into the apartment.
“No, please, do come in,” Aaron muttered sarcastically as he stepped into the kitchen. It was time for him to take his evening medication, something he would need if Emily were here. They hadn’t really spent any time together since his diagnosis. Which was what he had intended of course.
Emily looked around the apartment and spotted Jack, already dressed for bed in his Superman pyjamas, kneeling on a chair by the table, colouring a picture. Emily smiled at the young boy and walked over to join him. Jack looked up as she approached and smiled at her before he turned his attention back to his picture. Instead of his usual array of superheroes, or drawings of himself and Aaron; instead, several large flowers were drawn onto the page.
“Those flowers are pretty,” Emily complimented the small child whose smile faltered as he picked up a pink crayon.
“They’re Daddy’s flowers,” Jack admitted. “The ones he coughs up because he has a sore throat.”
Aaron’s flowers? Coughs up?
“Oh my god,” Emily whispered to herself as the rather obvious penny finally dropped to the floor. Hanahaki. Aaron’s mystery illness was Hanahaki and his operation was…
“Emily? What is it?” Aaron asked as he emerged from the kitchen. Emily looked at him, stunned as he spotted Jack’s picture and understood that Emily had put the pieces together.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Emily asked as Aaron looked at her sternly before he turned to Jack, who was watching them both curiously.
“Jack, it’s bedtime.” Aaron said and shook his head at his son. “Don’t argue, you have school in the morning.”
“Fine,” Jack sighed before he smiled at Emily. “Goodnight Emily.”
“Goodnight Sweetie,” Emily smiled softly as Aaron looked at her. They both knew that she knew what was going on and that Emily would not leave until they spoke about it.
As soon as Aaron and Jack disappeared down the hallway, Emily picked up the picture that Jack had been drawing. She wasn’t exactly sure which flowers they were meant to be. It didn’t help that Jack had used an array of colours and she couldn’t think of many flowers that had purple centres and green petals. However, that wasn’t the point. The point was that Aaron was ill, seriously ill.
Everyone knew that Hanahaki was dangerous. Although not as severe as cancer or Alzheimer’s, it still could be devastating for both the afflicted and their loved ones. The surgery had only been pioneered in recent decades, prior to that, Hanahaki sufferers either had to be loved by the one they loved. Or else they died. One of her classmates in Yale had been diagnosed during their Junior year; within a month she had had to carry a bucket with her wherever she went. By the end of the semester; she had passed away in her dorm room, the entire room covered in pink peonies.
By the start of the following semester; the smell of peonies could still be smelt.
Emily understood why Aaron wanted to take the risk with the surgery. What she didn’t understand was why he hadn’t told them. Of course they would worry but they would also be there to help him. She and Aaron told one another everything; so why had he not told her about this? Had they not already endured enough together? Been at one another’s sides throughout the most painful experiences of their lives? Had they not shared countless memories, good, bad, hilarious and devastating? So why had Aaron kept this a secret from her?
Had he worked it out? Had he realised that she loved him and since he clearly loved another, had wanted to spare her feelings? He had to know that despite the fact that Emily was in love with him, she would not be able to cure him. Had he been trying to spare her feelings? If so, that didn’t make sense.
“Emily,” Aaron said as he returned and took a seat on the couch.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Emily asked, attempting to keep the hurt from her voice as she joined him. “I thought we made a pact; no secrets, no bullshit.”
“We did,” Aaron admitted. “This is different.”
“Because it’s Hanahaki? Why is that so different? You’re in love with someone who either doesn’t know you love them or they don’t love you back. You still could have told me.” Emily insisted as Aaron looked at her, his eyes widened at her words. Truly, she didn’t know…
“No, I couldn’t have.” Aaron stated as Emily looked at him defiantly.
“Why not?” Emily insisted. “Whoever it is, they deserve to know. They could help you.”
“She probably could, I was convinced she couldn’t. I couldn’t take that risk; rejection would have made things worse.” Aaron explained as the pieces slid into place. Emily was sincere when she insisted that she didn’t know who he loved, to the point that she was hurt that he hadn’t told her. Except, Emily wasn’t just hurt at the idea of Aaron being in love with someone else.
Emily sounded almost… jealous.
“You don’t know if she would have rejected you.” Emily replied as she mentally ran a list of various women who could have been lucky enough to win Aaron’s love. No obvious contenders came to mind. The only thing Emily was certain of; was the fact that it wasn’t her.
“No, I don’t think she would have,” Aaron admitted quietly, more to himself than Emily. He didn’t want to give himself hope; but surely Emily’s reaction had to mean something. At this stage, he was weeks away from his operation anyway. His doctor and his surgeon had both agreed that if his symptoms got worse; the first sign of a twig or a spike; they would operate immediately.
He finally felt brave enough to take that risk. One way or another, he would know.
“It’s you.”
Emily looked at him, unsure whether she had actually heard what she thought she had heard. Those two words echoed around in her head repeatedly. ‘It’s you.’ ‘It’s you.’ ‘It’s you.’ her. She was the one Aaron had fallen in love with. The one who had caused the Hanahaki petals to bloom. Aaron loved her. Aaron was in love with her.
“Me?” Emily asked quietly, without the anger, snark or skepticism that Aaron had expected from her. Instead, it was a quiet disbelief, a possibility that she genuinely had never even considered until this very moment. “You’re in love with me?”
“Of course,” Aaron said with a cough. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because-” Emily began before she was interrupted by Aaron’s coughing fit. She could only watch as he leant over the arm of the couch, coughing repeatedly, painfully and violently. Emily reached out to touch his back, however this merely caused Aaron to jerk away from her and cough some flowers onto the arm of the couch. Emily looked at the small, white flowers with a mixture of curiosity and revolution. The flowers were beautiful, however they were flowers that had just been coughed up by Aaron.
Because of her.
Because he was in love with her.
“I had no idea,” Emily said gently as Aaron finished coughing and wiped the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand. “I didn’t know you felt the same.”
“What?” Aaron asked as he looked at her with surprise. “‘Felt the same’? You mean?”
“I love you,” Emily confessed as she took his hand. “I’ve loved you for the longest time, I just never thought that you would feel the same and I’m not just saying this because you’re ill. Although, I never expected I would be telling you like this.”
“Because you just watched me cough up a mountain of flowers?” Aaron quipped sarcastically, wincing as Emily playfully punched his arm. “Hey, be nice to me. I’m sick.”
“And you didn’t tell me that you were sick.” Emily pointed out before she smiled at him. “Although, maybe I could help?”
“Maybe you could,” Aaron smiled gently. Had it really been as simple as this? To just be honest and open with one another? He could already hear the smugness in Rossi’s voice if that were the case.
Emily’s smile widened as she carefully reached out and cupped Aaron’s face in her hands. She could see the affection, hope and love in his eyes as well as the trust. He trusted that she would be able to cure him. Emily stroked his cheek with her thumb gently.
“I love you Aaron,” Emily admitted before she softly pressed her lips to his, wishing with all her heart that it would be enough.
Aaron knew it worked from the moment her lips met his. He could feel the tightness in his chest loosening and for the first time in weeks, the lump in his throat was gone. He felt his airways clear once more and the weight within his chest caused by the flowers had vanished.
They broke apart and Emily looked at Aaron nervously. “Did it work?”
“I think it did,” Aaron replied sincerely as he scooped up a handful of hawthorn flowers that were now wilting before their eyes. Wilting flowers and petals were a sign that the disease had been cured and although he mentally planned to contact his doctor in the morning, right now, it could wait. Everything else, the appointments, the conversations that they would need to have, explaining everything to Jack, Jess and the team; all of it would have to wait.
Because Emily was here and they were in love with one another.
And that was all that mattered.