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It’s not fair.
He shouldn’t have to choose. He shouldn’t be in this situation at all. And yet here he is, standing between two people he loves. Two people who hate each other. Mika is screaming at Guren. Guren is yelling back. Yuu can only stand there and listen to their screeches.
It’s not fair.
He loves Mika. He really does. Mika is the most important person in his life, and always will be. But Guren was still important. Even though Guren was using him. Even though Guren wasn’t the kindest. Guren was still there. Guren still held a place in his heart.
It’s not fair.
Yuu had to run away from Guren. He had to run while dragging Mika away. Mika, who was hurt. Mika, who was bleeding. Mika, who had been slashed by Guren. Yuu offered him his blood. He couldn’t lose Mika. Not again. He wouldn’t be able to stand to lose Mika again.
It’s not fair.
As he ran, he felt a disgusting concoction within him. Tight, as if someone had wrapped their fingers around his heart and was trying to kill him. Strangled, as if another hand was wrapped around his throat and refused to let him breathe. Dizzy. Nauseous. Nothing. Everything.
It’s not fair.
Yuu had always known how much Mika hated Guren. He tried to play it off, and tried to pretend that he didn’t realize. He did. He knew from the beginning. He was far too aware. But the notion of Mika hating Guren wasn’t what really mattered to him. It was the way Yuu was raised by Guren. The way that Guren would always whisper that Yuu was just like him. The way Yuu knew he was right.
It’s not fair.
If that was the case, doesn’t that mean Mika would hate him too? Since Yuu can see himself so easily in Guren, since Guren always said they were so damn similar, wouldn’t Mika hate him too once he realized they’re the same?
It’s not fair.
Nothing is ever fair.
Yuu has had this situation play out before him before. Decision making. Having to choose. Agonizing over the choices. And making the wrong one that ruins everything. This is the second time he has to choose between things he loves. First, it was Mika or salvation. Mika tells him he was right to run. But Yuu hated it. He still regrets his choice to this day.
Maybe if he had stayed, then he and Mika could have died together. Maybe then they wouldn’t have had to be separated. Maybe then Yuu wouldn’t have had to suffer at the mere loss of his presence every second he was awake.
Yuu had always been waiting, waiting on someone who he knew would never come. And whenever Yuu looked into Guren’s eyes, he could see such a similar pain. Guren was like Yuu. Yuu was like Guren. Two people who have felt the same pain. Two people who made choices, the wrong choices, and were the only ones who lived to regret it.
So why wouldn’t Yuu be attached to Guren? Maybe it was only inevitable that he would be. That he would need Guren with him too. Not as much as Mika, no, never as much as Mika. But he still craved Guren at his side. If Guren was still alive, if Guren could still smile at times, if Guren had gotten so strong, couldn’t that mean Yuu could too?
Maybe that's what it was. Guren reassured Yuu. Guren did and said so many horrible things. He was far worse than Yuu, in a way. But Guren was Yuu’s safety. Guren understood. And oh, how Yuu wanted to be understood. Yuu craved Guren, he craved the comfort Guren’s presence showered him with.
But Mika didn’t like that. In fact, Mika wanted Yuu to completely forget Guren. Mika wanted to kill Guren. But Mika didn’t understand. How could he? Mika didn’t know what Guren had done for Yuu. He had heard, but he would never understand just how much it meant to Yuu. How much it meant to have someone comfort after you scream and cry in your sleep. Have someone who wiped your tears away when you sobbed. Have someone who told you that you take any excuse to keep living.
Of course, Mika did all of this too. But Mika wasn’t always there. Mika wouldn’t understand just how in depth the very idea of decision making sparked fear into Yuu. Mika would kiss his tears away. Mika would hold him close whenever he was sad. Mika would tell Yuu he was enough. But it was different. Yuu needed them both, in different ways.
Maybe Yuu just doesn’t know how to let go. After all, even after four years of watching Mika die at the hands of a vampire, something that was entirely his fault, he never let go of Mika. Mika would haunt his dreams, whispering tantalizing lies that fed into his obsession.
Yuu wanted Mika. And Yuu wanted Guren.
Why couldn’t he just live with both?
Yuu closes his eyes. He tries to breathe. But nothing works. Nothing ever works.
Yuu just suffocates between the love he has for them.