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It had been about 3 weeks since they made it official.
He had called me , “ Hey I did it. I broke up with her man” .
He was crying. He was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do.
They were over...they had officially broken up and I didnt know what to do. I had loved her too. In a different way of course but I still loved her more than a lot of other people in my life but I knew it was good for him. The public didn't know what happened behind closed doors. The arguments and the silent treatments.
“Sorry about the yelling last night dude, I know you were trying to sleep”
They were always fighting about something. It seemed like they were perfect for each other and maybe they were, sometimes you can just get too close to a person. They were so much closer than I have been with him lately. They talked the way we used to before he met her. They shared things that we had never talked about, things we didn't go through together. Things we could never go through together. Relationship things. Not bestfriend things.
I hadn't had any of those deep conversations with him like we used to. I originally thought it was because he had found someone better at it. Sometimes I unconsciously still think this way. She listened to his problems and helped him. I was always the one with the problems when we talked…
He was the happy one, I was the messed up one. He was the one with the answers and I was the one with the questions. I understand now that everyone needs a person to listen to them, even if their problems don't sound as heart wrenching as others might. Everyone needs that person.
There was a point in my life when I really needed someone to talk to and he wasn't there. I needed someone to be with and everyone around me just didn't care as much as he did. But at some point I think I just got over it.
I grew up in a sense.
Found other ways, more independent ways to get through my ‘problems’… “ Nah man i'm all good just a little tired ”
I hadn't ever really gotten up the courage to tell him some of the most important things in my life. I knew he would get mad at me if he knew I was keeping things from him. But I had found someone else to tell these things to and it worked out okay…until it didn't
He knew I was using him for the things I couldn't do with Sam anymore. “ Colby…it's great that you trust me enough to tell me this but…you really need to tell Sam, he wont judge you ”
I think sometimes that type of reliance they had with each other isn't the best. I think sometimes it's good to be independent and be able to live on your own without needing someone else's approval over everything you do . “ Hold on I have to ask first if that's okay ”
It wasn't always that way, I just remember the times where I questioned why he needed to do it in the first place.
Still…
I loved her alot but I loved Sam more than anything else in the entire world and I needed him to know that I was there for him. I needed it.
Just like the public didn't know that Sam's relationship wasn't happy and presentational all the time, they also didn't know that we arent as close anymore.
“Sam and Colby vs the world… ”
There was a video of him answering what it felt like for me to have different friends and not have as much time for him anymore. It was really hard to listen to that and hear him say those words. I would've left anyone for him at any time and it felt like he didn't understand that.
He doesn't really have anyone to talk with anymore. He was bottling everything up for weeks because he was under the impression that I thought we didn't talk like that anymore. He thinks that I don't want to talk to him. It was a weird sort of ‘dont ask dont tell’ type of situation. I knew he needed someone to talk to but I needed him to come to me. It had been so long I didn't know what to do.
-
“We need to talk” I texted him. I know it sounded cryptic but it would get him home the fastest. He was out. He was always out nowadays. Doing things with other people. I know I shouldn't feel jealous but still. He was my best friend, forever and always, and I needed to talk with him. We had gotten into the habit of calling each other brother. It was amazing having someone so close to you that you started calling them that word…but I didn't like. Brothers don't talk to each other. Not in the way that I needed to talk to Sam at least.
-
“Hey sammy… ” I started.
He was sitting on the other side of our couch. A couple feet away but close enough that the tension was off.
He had just gotten home from a run. He was doing that alot. Running. Miles and miles every single day and posting pictures of it...showing it off. I know he always liked running, said it gave him an adrenaline rush but…it didn't feel like he was doing it because he liked it.
Sweat was dripping from his yellow cut off tank top onto the pillow next to him and I had the urge to get him a towel before we started talking.
“What's up man? ” he said slowly and almost cautiously, like he was trying not to walk over a landmine. He knew there was something wrong.
I didn't answer him at first. Just looked at him. There were bags under his eyes and his lips had little bits of dried blood on them from biting at them too much.
I didn't have the right words to say. I had planned this all out before and yet I didn't know what to say. I looked at my best friend of years and years and years and I had nothing to say. I tried again…
“You've been running a lot ”. I didn't mean to say in an accusatory way it just happened to come out that way. I was worried for him.
“You got a problem with that? ” Sam replied, taken back.
“No ” I responded a bit too quickly. I didn't want him to think like that, especially not now. “ I just wanted to… ”, every word I tried to say seemed to get stuck in an invisible barrier.
“Just what, Colby... ” He wasn't offended anymore, more worried. That is also something I didn't want. I didn't want him to care about me right now. He always jumped straight into caring about me and my problems and never let me see any of his. It was his turn.
“I want you to talk to me ” I uttered out as fast as I possibly could. Before he could respond, I continued.
“I want you to talk to me the way I used to talk to you. When we were kids and I poured my heart and soul out to you”. Sam leaned closer to me, placing his hand on the couch next to me. His head hanging low, almost in shame. It felt like he didn't want to listen to me but I kept going. “I want you to know that I am here for you and I'm not just saying that to be polite. I am saying that because I need you to talk to me, I need you to tell me everything going on in your head because it feels like I am losing my mind knowing that you are not okay and we are too distant now for me to do anything about it”
Almost involuntarily, Sam started to nod his head up and down while listening to me. He had his eyes closed and it felt like he was really listening to every word I said.
“I know I am not her…'' this part felt like acid coming off my tongue. I had never really acknowledged my jealousy of her to Sam. Sometimes it felt like he was aware, but other times it felt like he couldn't really care any less about it.
“I know I have messed up in the past and used our relationship against you but i have spent years pushing these emotions onto either other people or just choosing to not feel them at all because I didn't want to bother you if you weren't telling ME anything, so I know I am being selfish right now but the only way I am going to feel better and content inside is if I know you are okay, and if you arent okay then I will be here so you can talk to me about it ”.
He said nothing. Not a single word came out of his mouth.
He kept his head down and said nothing. Did I mess up? Did I say something I shouldn't have? What did I do?
“Sam…please ” I hadn't even realized I was speaking until the words had escaped from me.
Slowly enough he raised his head. He kept his eyes squeezed shut but it didn't take me long to find the tears falling down his red and swollen cheeks. I gripped the hand that he placed on the couch beside me and held it in my lap. He was shaking.
“I don't know what to do, Colby '', a small voice spoke. “ Every friendship, relationship whatever i have right now feels so surface level ” he continued on, eyes slowly opening to look at me. “ Everytime I talk to someone it feels like they don't care, like they have other things, other people they could be talking to ”. I wanted so badly to ask if he felt that way towards me, but I knew the answer and I also knew that he would lie about it. So I kept my mouth shut and just kept nodding. It was his turn to speak.
“I miss having that person I can tell everything to. Every little detail of my life. I miss it so badly ” he was sobbing. His hand was clutching onto mine like it was about to run away from him. “ I miss that person being you, ” he said slowly. I knew this was difficult for him to say. “ And i'm sorry that you thought you couldn't talk to me anymore…just because we grew up doesn't mean those little boys who told eachother everything aren't still a part of us and it's been hard to admit to myself and to you ” once he started talking it was like he couldn't stop. It was beautiful. I never wanted him to stop. I shouldn't have caused him to stop in the first place.
“I really do miss you man and I want to get back to the way we were ” he admitted slowly. He had stopped crying at this point. He gently put his other hand over mine and said “ Thank you for listening to me Colby ”.
“I love you man… ”
“You know I love you too dude ”