Chapter Text
When did they get so close? Weren’t they just laughing at something Jinyoung said? How are they pressed together and Jackson’s side fully flushed against Jinyoung’s chest suddenly? Is the air getting hotter? Jackson thinks.
But then he looks at Jinyoung. Jackson’s started to feel a bit dizzy. If they weren’t already sitting on the sofa may be Jinyoung would have to hold him. Is it because he’s drunk already? But he can carry his drink well, and he only had a bottle of beer, he shouldn’t feel drunk already so then why is he feeling like the wind’s getting knocked out of him? Is it because….Jinyoung’s looking at him that way?
But they’ve always been clingy and affectionate like this and he’s pretty used to Jinyoung’s face being so close to his. God the amount of times he tried to kiss him for fanservices or just to annoy him, so it’s not very unusual but there’s just something in Jinyoung’s eyes right now that he can’t decipher. Did Jinyoung ever look at him like this before when their faces were merely inches apart? May be Jackson’s overthinking but he can see something shifting in Jinyoung’s eyes.
Somehow his eyes get both soft and dark when it glances at Jackson’s lips for just a sec and get back up on his eyes. Jackson thinks he can’t breathe anymore what even is happening? He is very much not imagining it when Jinyoung inches closer and suddenly Jackson has no idea how he should react. Should he back away? Put some distance between them? But he feels paralyzed and his body is literally unable to move. Before he could even finish his thought process, Jinyoung’s lips were on his. His mind went blank, speechless, just soft tender lips on his chapped lips-- and Jinyoung pulls back.
He can’t tell if a year just passed by or if it was few seconds. Jinyoung’s searching for something in his eyes and he doesn’t know what. His eyes still looks so soft and voice softer, just barely above a whisper when he says “I’m sorry”. Jackson can’t seem to move his eyes away or reply anything. Jinyoung pauses for a second when Jackson doesn’t say anything and asks “can I do that again?” Jackson doesn’t think when he nods, he has no idea what got over him when he nods, it’s like his body is moving on its own without discussing with his mind first. Is he really that drunk? He honestly can’t tell anymore.
He can’t move his eyes away from Jinyoung when Jinyoung holds his neck and presses his lips again on his lips and his breath hitches in his throat. He can’t breathe again and definitely feels like he’s gonna pass out any moment. The kiss is still very chaste and soft this time too, no one’s moving their lips, just a soft press but it probably lasted more than 5 seconds this time and Jackson momentarily closes his eyes. God damnit what’s wrong with me, he thinks.
He’s fisting his hand so hard on the cushion, he might tear it up any second now. And Jinyoung pulls back again. When he opens his eyes to look at Jinyoung, his heart clenches. Jinyoung’s lips turning upward faintly giving him a soft smile but Jackson can tell he’s also nervous cause his eyes won’t stay at one place anymore. The hand holding his neck loses its grip and Jackson’s hand also relaxes on the cushion, the reality suddenly starts settling in and he once again can’t breathe.
“I need some air excuse me” he feels like his lungs will be on fire if he stays there even for another sec and gets up from the sofa throwing the blanket off and untangling himself from Jinyoung. He doesn’t look at Jinyoung’s face so he doesn’t see the smile that dropped. The air already starts rushing in his lungs. He leaves the room immediately without looking back heading towards the balcony.
He closes the balcony door behind him and is greeted with the chill wind on his face. It’s literally spring and the weather is chilly, so why was he feeling like he was burning inside? He’s trying to wrap his mind around what just occurred in the living room but he can’t come up with anything. He takes deep breaths to fill his lungs. But it’s not enough to make his mind start working so he takes out the vape from his pocket and takes a long puff. May be he should just not try to make sense of anything right now, may be it’s just better he can’t think.
It’s probably been 5 minutes since he’s been out here and he was only wearing a thin sweater, he started to feel cold now but he doesn’t know how to act when he gets back so he keeps standing there thoughtlessly. And then he hears the sound of the door opening and closing behind him. He looks back on instinct and sees Jinyoung leaning by the railing with his arms closed. He looks unsure of what he wants to say. Jackson looks at him blankly, waiting for him to speak up. After a second or two, he uncrosses his arms and straightens up, “Jackson, let’s get inside you’ll catch a cold out here” that’s all Jinyoung manages to say tightening his lips into a thin line. He’s also fidgeting with the hem of his sleeves so Jackson can tell he’s nervous.
“What was that?” Jackson takes another long puff from his vape and turns to Jinyoung. When Jinyoung looks at him quizzically he spats “You know what I’m talking about Jinyoung”. He didn’t mean to sound rude but he looks at Jinyoung and he looks a bit hurt before he changes his expression in a sec. “To be honest, I’m not quite sure” Jinyoung’s voice sounds small and he’s blinking a lot, his lips probably is quivering a bit. He continues when Jackson doesn’t answer. “Can’t even blame it on alcohol cause I’m very sober but yeah I don’t know”. Jackson turns his head to the front again and looks ahead not particularly at anything. The city lights are still lit up in distance. Jinyoung’s apartment is on 18th floor so all you can see is city lights and sometimes even that’s not visible because of the fog.
Jackson sighs “Best friends don’t kiss each other like that Jinyoungie”. It leaves a sour taste in his mouth as soon as he says the words.
“I know”
“Then what was that?”
“I don’t know Jackson I told you” Jinyoung’s voice got louder now.
“So how do we go from here?” he hears Jinyoung stepping closer to him.
“sseun-ah” Jinyoung sounds adorable every time he calls him with his pet name but right now it sounds a bit….sad.
He looks at Jinyoung and his heart tightens. Jinyoung does look sad. Jackson hates it more than anything but this situation is so weird for him, he doesn’t try to make him feel better though in any other situation he’d do anything to bring a smile back on his best friend’s face. “There’s really no specific reason why I did it, but at that moment it just felt right. I don’t know how else to explain it” Jinyoung steps closer as he said it and holds Jackson’s arm lightly to turn him to him.
Jinyoung is again close and his mind again is showing symptoms to shut down. “We can just forget about it like nothing happened” Jinyoung presses on.
“What?”
“If you want, we can just act like nothing happened”
“How do you act like just nothing happened Jinyoung?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say Jackson? I apologized after the first time but then why did you nod when I asked you the second time? Why are you acting like I’m the only one who did something?” Jinyoung sounds and looks irritated at this point and the hold on his arm gets tighter.
Jackson knows he has no right to question him when he himself let Jinyoung kiss him when he could easily say no and back away. So what in the world was he thinking? His heart is squeezing very hard but he can’t come up with any answer.
Jinyoung sighs “We’ve been friends for over a decade now sseunie, I know this was not on our bingo card when we planned to hang out tonight but if you ask me about what I want, I want to know more”.
Jackson gives him a puzzled look “What do you want to know more about?”
“Us. I mean if it means something. I wanna know if I’m…” Jinyoung hesitates to say the next words “..If I’m attracted to you”.
Jackson again feels like the wind just got knocked out of him, his heart keeps clenching and he doesn’t know how to stop it calm down for God’s sake.
Jinyoung hurries when he sees Jackson’s eyes widen slightly “This changes nothing though sseun-ah. I like to believe our friendship is stronger than anything. Nothing can ever put even a slight scratch on it. We’ve been through so much so even if I’m feeling something more it’s not gonna change anything. So if and only if you want, I’d like to see if there can be something more”.
Jackson scoffs at that “Are you kidding me right now Jinyoung?? This changes everything. If we try this, whatever…this…is, it could ruin our friendship. It’s not like we’re trying for a new food recipe here and if it doesn’t work out, we’ll go back to eating our usual food.”
Jackson knows he sounds very harsh right now but he can’t stop himself from rambling so he turns his face away from Jinyoung to again look at nothing. The wind, the beautiful view in front of him is doing nothing to remove the grimace from his face. He’s turned very rigid under Jinyoung’s defeated eyes and Jinyoung slowly removes his hand from his arm and takes a step back.
Jackson didn’t know he was holding his breath till now and finally exhales slowly. He turns to Jinyoung and hates to see the look on his face right now but Jinyoung covers up it immediately with a faint smile that isn’t reaching his eyes. “No yeah you’re right. I-I didn’t know what was I thinking suggesting this” Jinyoung stutters. “Let’s get back to what I said earlier and just forget about it. We probably are just drunk and not in our right mind.” Jinyoung rubs his face with his hands and runs his hand through his hair as if he’s trying to sober up, Jackson knows he isn’t drunk, he’s flustered.
Jackson softens when he can breathe properly again regretting the way he was talking to his best friend just a minute ago. “Jinyoungie, you’re one of the most important people in my life, you know that right? I love you a lot and I can’t let any silly mistake ruin this good thing we have between us” he looks at Jinyoung straight but suddenly feels cold now that he isn’t in close proximity. Jinyoung nods with a tired smile “I love you too Jackson. You know there’s less than two months left till I enlist. I don’t want this time to go to waste by making it awkward between us.” Jackson’s face falls a little at the reminder that Jinyoung’s going away for one and a half years.
Shit
Jinyoung pats his arm when he shivers a little, Jackson notices Jinyoung was wearing his grey hoodie, didn’t put anything else on when he came out here. “Let’s get back inside now please we both will catch a cold” and with that he turns around and leaves. Jackson didn’t even remember he had his vape in his hand all this time, he forgot to smoke since Jinyoung came. Unable to think or do anything else, he puts it inside his pocket again and follows suit sighing visibly.
They get back inside the living room and both of them just stand there looking at the sofa, no one moves an inch. They both just awkwardly stand there for a few seconds until Jinyoung declares he’s hungry and they should sit at the dinning table. Jackson nods his head a little too enthusiastically at that though Jinyoung can’t see him and follows.
Jinyoung brings out two ramen packets from the cupboard and puts a pot on the stove with water. Jackson sits at the table checking his phone if there is any text or missed calls cause he doesn’t really know what to do. Jinyoung waits for the water to boil and keeps tapping on the counter with his fingers while facing away from Jackson. Jackson looks up from his phone to see Jinyoung’s tapping and he knows his best friend well enough to know he’s anxious. Jackson sighs and moves to stand beside him. Jinyoung looks up widening his eyes. “Do you need any help with anything jinyoungie?” Jackson says it as normally as he can. Jinyoung looks away “No it’s just ramen sseunie, do you want egg in yours?” Jackson shrugs at that. Jinyoung puts the ramen and the sauce in the pot and starts stirring it. Both of them are now looking intently at the boiling ramen without saying anything. And as the ramen gets cooked, the tension also starts to dissipate.
By the time it’s done and Jinyoung puts the hot pot on the table, Jackson’s stomach grumbles and both of them laugh a little at that. “Dude did you have any meal today? I would’ve made you something proper if I knew you’re that hungry” Jinyoung sits in the chair in front of him and nudges his elbow with his elbow.
“No I’m actually in the mood for some ramen right now, I don’t wanna eat anything else” with that Jackson dives into the pot with his chopsticks. “Careful it’s hot” Jinyoung chides rolling his eyes and Jackson grimaces as soon as he says it cause it actually is hot and Jinyoung laughs at that heartedly with a I told you so. Jackson’s heart sings seeing his eye whiskers. This still is his best friend’s most charming feature.
The tension and awkwardness that was there before disappears gradually as they finish their meal. They get into small talk easily and Jinyoung tells him about the things he’s supposed to do in the next one and a half months. He needs to spend time with his family and meet his school friends, finish up some of the work that was pending, meet the other members too. He still has his shooting left, his schedule won’t be cleared fully till May. They both talk about how busy everyone is these days and Jinyoung thanks him with a real smile after what feels like forever that he’s glad Jackson is here. Jackson gives him a tender smile back I wasn’t gonna see my best friend in person for some time of course I was gonna come.
The time passed by as they kept talking and the clock hit 12, Jackson yawned. He came to Jinyoung’s place directly from the airport and the tiredness is finally catching up to him. He’s in the middle of his world tour, his North America tour starts next month but he’s still very busy with other work. It’s only going to get hectic; he needs to spend time with his family too in Shanghai before he leaves Asia.
Jinyoung saw his eyes getting heavy and ruffled his hair. “Can you drive right now? You look exhausted… stay over?” he sounds a bit unsure. Jackson shakes his head “No I didn’t bring any car with me it’s fine, I’ll catch a cab. I’ll sleep better in my bed but thanks for asking” Jackson gets up; he didn’t bring his bags with him so there was nothing to carry. He puts his shoes back on the doorstep and looks back up at Jinyoung. Everything that happened tonight….his heart aches a bit looking at his face.
“Let’s meet up with the others tomorrow evening. You take rest, okay? Don’t get busy in work again” Jinyoung’s always been so kind and caring, they’d get into fights and he’d still worry if Jackson ate or not, if Jackson took enough rest or not. Jackson feels guilty over what happened. Jinyoung looks tired too. He wants to give him a hug but holds back, instead replies with teasing as he always does “Okay mom, I’ll sleep and eat properly and will meet you looking fresh as ever.” Jinyoung rolls his eyes and looks at him, his expression unreadable but for a second it looked like he was going to say something.
Jackson unknowingly held his breath again but then Jinyoung simply says “Good night Jackson, don’t get kidnapped so stay awake on your way home” he chuckles, “Text me when you get home”.
“Good night Jinyoungie” and with that he leaves. Jinyoung doesn’t close the door until he’s in the elevator. They wave at each other again and Jackson gestures at him to go inside. The elevator door closes and his smile drops slowly, his heart still won’t slow down.
He managed to stay awake the ride home even though he was feeling hella tired, his eyes falling shut every once in a while. He couldn’t be bothered to think about anything. He gets home and the light was off, again no one to welcome him home.
Sighing he turns all the lights on and goes to his bedroom. His bags were already there. He removes his clothes and gets under the shower. The hot water was doing wonders on his tired body and he starts to relax slowly closing his eyes. His mind goes back to the pair of lips pressing on his lips unprovoked and he opens his eyes immediately. His heart rate picks up again and he puts a hand on his heart, What is up with you, you stupid ass brain he shakes his head to put it in the back of his mind for the rest of the shower.
He comes out of the shower after standing there for 30 minutes, puts his boxers on and falls flat on his bed. He has no energy left to think about everything that happened tonight. He's been up since last night, got little to no rest whole day and so his body shuts down pretty quickly.
Before the sleep completely takes over him, he thinks of a pair of eyes looking sad…
soft plump pink lips
eye whiskers
a hand running through the hair
the sound of a laugh
sad eyes.
His heart still aches a little. “I’m sorry Jinyoungie” he whispers before sleep takes over him.