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Jing Yuan misses everything.
He tries not to look back into the past much but he just can’t help himself sometimes. Ren, after all, was once a close friend, a brother, and a lover. It isn’t easy to just forget about him.
They spent time with each other, trained together, even bickered with one another. Jing Yuan remembers he had always been the childish one to start the fight and Ren would just put up with him. Despite how awful their relationship could get, Jing Yuan still appreciated every single moment that they shared.
Though their relationship wasn’t always awful at the same time. Jing Yuan remembers how they used to treat each other’s wounds, he remembers how Ren used to make lunch for him, and he remembers how he would fall asleep on Ren’s shoulder next to him after a tiring day from training and Ren would just sit there, not daring to make a single sound so he wouldn’t wake Jing Yuan up.
As someone older than Jing Yuan, he took care of him like a brother.
Jing Yuan couldn’t ask for more. He was satisfied with what they had, he was happy, but as time passed by, he had found himself beginning to get greedier and greedier. It was no longer enough. He wanted more. Being close friends, or brothers, didn’t really make him happy anymore.
He had fallen in love with Ren, he wanted Ren to be his, and Ren was left confused the day Jing Yuan confessed because he had always thought Jing Yuan hated him. Fortunately enough, their feelings were mutual. Jing Yuan was expecting for Ren to think Jing Yuan hated him considering that they were always bickering, what he wasn’t expecting, though, that Ren, too, felt the same way.
They were going out ever since.
Their first date.
One morning. He remembers meeting up with Ren. The date wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but almost like typical friends’ hangouts, eating outside and visiting places together except they were lovers, but he had a good time and it sure still meant a lot to him.
Their first kiss.
One afternoon. He remembers them sitting next to each other beneath those trees and he watched Ren smile in front of him, he could feel his eyes soften thinking to himself how Ren was the one who taught him love — thinking Ren always looked so beautiful when he smiled and Jing Yuan always, always feared that Ren’s smile would disappear one day, he wanted to protect that smile so bad — it wasn’t part of the plan that he pulled Ren into a kiss. Ren did nothing but reciprocate.
Their first time.
One night. He remembers kissing Ren with pure love, intertwining their fingers and touching every part of Ren’s body, looking at Ren like he was art. Ren still is in Jing Yuan’s eyes. He held Ren and never wanted to let him go.
Jing Yuan, however, doesn’t really want to talk about their last ones. When he thinks about it, maybe he’s just in denial they were the last ones and that he is still hoping — for Ren to come back, waiting — for him to come back.
It’s not that he didn’t know better. After Ren left, he had tried countless times to forget about him. Though no matter how many nights were spent with someone else, he still wouldn’t be able to.
Jing Yuan misses everything. He misses them — he misses how they used to be — he misses Ren. When he knew Ren was around, he couldn’t just sit back and it was ridiculous to bring Ren to him only to let him go. To be honest, he just wanted to see him again.
Ren had changed and Jing Yuan could no longer see that smile he fell in love with a long time ago. He had failed to protect it.
They had a conversation before he set Ren free.
Jing Yuan grabbed Ren’s wrist. “Why can’t you just forget it?”
The grip on Ren’s wrist grew tighter. Jing Yuan didn’t want to let Ren go. He almost begged for Ren to stay.
Ren glared at Jing Yuan. “You just really never did anything, did you?”
There was nothing Jing Yuan could do that time. He couldn’t say anything and he let go of Ren’s wrist because he realized that — that there was nothing he could do this time, either. Ren wasn’t going to come back.
Ren turned his back on Jing Yuan and he took his leave.
“I still love you, you know?” Jing Yuan told.
He didn’t think he ever stopped. Ren halted for a moment, as if he wanted to stay after hearing that and Jing Yuan really hoped Ren would but at the last second he continued to take his leave. Jing Yuan watched him walk away until he faded from his sight.
Jing Yuan may have decided to let go of the past but he just can’t when it comes to Ren. He really doesn’t know how. If they could go back in time, he would’ve treated Ren a lot nicer and he would’ve spent a lot more time with Ren together.
It really hurts that Ren left and all the sleepless nights thinking about him isn’t fun. He doubts Ren would ever understand or even bother because, after all, he probably doesn’t matter to him anymore — Ren probably doesn’t care anymore and he probably doesn’t feel the same way anymore.
Even if Ren doesn’t, Jing Yuan’s feelings remain the same. Ren will always hold a special place in his heart. That’s why he set him free.
Despite everything, Jing Yuan still uses the glaive that Ren once made for him to which he swore to never part with because it’s the only thing that he has left from Ren. He always finds himself wondering if there’s even a slight chance that Ren would change his mind.
“If he were to forget everything, it would make things a lot easier for me.”
Because then, they could’ve gone back to the way it was before.
“I miss you, Ren.”