Chapter Text
The hard ground underneath the tall girl’s body emanates and stretches out into an extensive garden, trees filled the area, and flowers of all colors with a light hint of a glowing aura. Lottie’s eyes fluttered open, she was used to a couple of weird dreams here and there, it was nothing out of the ordinary for her though to put it simply, she’s never had an experience like this.
“Woah, what the fuck?” she jumped up, the ground felt airy like she’d sink in if she’d set the wrong way, she turned in a full circle taking in her view, it all felt like a liminal space which just scared her even more.
But this place was different, like she was safe under the small light that glowed through the trees, something crawl on her hand, it was a white moth. It was so pretty she thought, It’s wings fluttered but it looked as though one of its wings was broken. The atmosphere felt so warm like Lottie had been sitting by a fire.
“Laura Lee would love it here.” Lottie smiled to herself, she felt a jump in the grassy plane, and taken aback she looked around once more.
“It is really pretty, I could just stay here for hours,” Why was she here? It was like Lottie could reach out and touch her, “Stop being silly, of course, you can touch me” She giggled. It felt like heaven the way her heart throbbed.
“Lottie you have to go soon though, the moths might come back,” Laura Lee looked to her left then back to the tall girl, a hand placed on her cheek just rubbing the side of her face like a movie, “Let’s get you back home beautiful.”
“No please, just a little longer,” Lottie’s voice displayed so tired but fuck, she didn’t want to go, she felt it in her soul that this was it, the way her girlfriend looked so pretty under the shaded light, “I feel like this is the last time I’ll see you.”
Lottie started to cry silently against Laura Lee, small laughter erupted for the smaller girl, “I’m never gonna not be here silly,” she pressed her palm to Lottie’s pajama shirt, “I’m always gonna be here.”
It’s like she could hear faint static erupt into her brain, “Do you hear that too?” Lottie asked looking back to the empty dark space that occupied the girls to the left, the smaller girl started to breathe heavier.
“You have to leave now Lottie,” Lottie shakes her head breathing now matching her lover, it was too much the static now overwhelmingly loud with sounds of the flapping of wings, “It’s gonna be okay, I’m gonna be okay.” She closes the distance between them, sealed with a bittersweet kiss as bright light filled her eye sockets.
She gasped for air as she jumped out of her bed, mind racing for miles, ‘she has to be okay’ she thought, it was just a disordered-up dream as usual. Lottie started to do the breathing practice her therapist recommended, she never really had to use it till now.
In and out, hold. Release.
In and out, hold. Release.
After two more big breaths, Lottie was able to clear her mind getting ready for school. Laura Lee is gonna love this new top, she thought smiling with her teeth as she did a little twirl in the mirror. She knew the look on her girlfriend’s face would be concerned hearing the dream, that puckered-up face Lottie loved to make fun of. God she loved her more than the air she breathed, she’d yell that till the stars till they separate from the power of her voice.
“Good morning honey, Mary already has your breakfast fixed,” Lottie’s mom voiced while struggling to put on her shoes, she was never really close with her parents because of their obvious abandonment from the house, from their daughter, “Your father is coming home shortly, I think he said he had some news before you go off to school.” Well great, It was either gonna be about her math grade or her argument with her soccer captain. I mean it wasn’t Lottie’s fault that she yelled back, she said something rude about Laura Lee, and knowing Lottie, she’d never let that slide.
She ate her breakfast slowly waiting for her father to walk through the large door, Mary had handed her her pills, this felt like just another repeat morning. Like she’s been here before, maybe it was just something to feed her mind being so lonely. She would try to make small talk with Mary but it was always, “Make sure you remember to wash your bowl after, you always think I do everything around here.” Yeah, there it was. Well, didn’t she? It was an inside joke between her and Laura Lee that when Mary would walk out of the room they’d do an awful British accent and laugh in each other's arms laying on Lottie’s bed sheets. She can’t wait to see her today, she grinned to herself.
“Ah, there you are,” She hadn’t even noticed her father walking through the front door, to whipped Lottie get her out of your head. He walked closer to the dining table, Lottie tensed up, it wasn’t like he was gonna do anything more or like she hated these types of talks with him, “Um, so I got a call early this morning, and uh.” The air conditioner had stopped, it was as if a pen dropped you could hear every clash on the floor.
“Dad listen, if this is about the math grade or-,” He waved his hands for her to stop, but she continued her cry for forgiveness, “Or the fight with Mari, I’m sorry but she said something about the Laura Lee Dad I can’t just-”
“This is about Laura Lee, Charlotte,” Lottie couldn’t help the lump in her throat, was she okay? Did he find out? Because that is the LAST thing she would like to play off right now, “She uh, her mother left the oven on overnight and there was a pretty big fire.”
No. No. No. She just saw her yesterday, she just had to be at a hospital right? That burning feeling in her chest and her eyes started to rise again, it was so hard to breathe.
“But, But she’s okay- okay right,” She was stuttering like a toddler, “Don’t lie to me like that.” Her father tried to lean in to comfort her though it felt so wrong, she curled away with her breathing worsening looking at her father one time for confirmation.
He shook his head, and she started to see a bright light, just as she saw in her dream. She’d rather go anywhere than go back to last night's dream. She could hear the distorted scream of Mary and the yelling of her father.
Lottie had felt like her life faded to black, there was no purpose left. It felt so cheesy, of course, her life felt like it was over because of a girl. Her body felt like it was floating just like when Laura Lee gave her a baptism in her family's lake, she missed the feeling of her hands on her back that supported her. She shut her eyes in her drowning darkness.
She heard the faint whistles of birds flow through her ears, it felt safe to open her eyes.
“No, no I don’t wanna be here again,” this place felt like a nightmare, she thinks this might have to do with the disorder she’s had since she was four, but this all seemed just too real even for that, “Please, I don’t wanna be here, please.” Lottie started to welp out, tears burning through her brown eyes as she fell to her bottom.
“You don’t have to feel so alone you know?” The voice was deep but with a mix of feminine undertones that Lottie couldn’t pinpoint due to her ears feeling clogged from drowning in water. She cried harder, this was too much.
“You shouldn’t cry so much, it makes me sad,” She sniffled looking all around again, wait, it was vastly different from before. Dark Cyan painted the walls, the trees had turned into small bushes, and hills could be seen in the distance with the sun just behind them as though they were hiding from the regret of the flowers not wanting their embrace.
“This place represents how you feel Charlotte,” just what the fuck is this thing she thought, it seemed to her to be so stupid and pointless, “I know that look, no, this isn’t like a therapy session, this place is supposed to be a safe space, I don’t wanna be stern with you but-”
“Yeah um, I have no idea who the fuck you are or why I’m here but I don’t wanna hear any of this, so can you just please bring me back to where I'm supposed to be!” Lottie yelled out, she felt like stomping her feet the way she was annoyed by the voice in her head, she felt crazy.
No, I'm not crazy.
“You’re right, you’re not crazy Charlotte. Mind my manners, I’m your conscience please listen to me when I tell you I’m not here to hurt you,” She felt like screaming again as more tears run down her dark skin. Lottie shook her hand, “We both know how much you miss her, how you don’t believe it just yet. It’s harder than you think it’ll be, to get over her. But I will say this one thing, at the end of something beautiful will either sprout something bitter, sour, doubtful, or something with understanding, indulgence, purity, and charity. Charlotte, with her passing there are only two paths you can go down, and for both of our sake we know we can’t choose what she’d despise.”
Lottie stood as the bushes started to split into paths, the cracking of the branches making her jump as the grass grew forward in two directions, “But what if I’m not ready to choose? How can I trust you?” She felt a light brush against her fingers and glanced down to notice a white fox that had wrapped its tail around her leg.
“You have to choose now or never, Charlotte,” Lottie’s eyes widened, the fox just fucking talked, no she isn’t crazy right, “I would like for you to choose quickly, we don’t have much time till you wake up.” She looks back down at the fox, an eye warped from the center of its forehead, pounding like a heart the way it spreads open revealing a clock with the hands moving faster than it should. The animal trotted over to the split paths, sitting on the stump in front of both fates.
What Laura Lee would want for her? Lottie rubbed her temples, eyebrows frowning.
She smelled the faint fragrance of her lover, her giggle, her sweet soft voice it echoed from her right. It had made out like a call for wanting, on the other hand, she also heard the dark growls of wolves to her left with red eyes thrashing into her soul.
What Laura Lee would want for her?
No.
What I want for myself going forward.
Lottie peeled her eyes from the darkness to her right to the lighter path, stepping ahead and listening to the fox yelp with delight, “Fantastic choice Charlotte, handle yourself with care through these trials and tribulations.” Lottie nodded while scraping the tears off her cheeks and continuing on her walk toward the light, the more she followed the brighter it got.
She could hear faint music, she couldn’t tell what genre because of how muffled it was but what she saw next just left her utterly confused. Lottie saw a short figure, it was a person but the face was blurred by the white light, a black leather jacket with tight black ripped jeans enveloped the short individual.
“Hello,” Lottie seemed, curious, were they there for the same reasons as her? Did they lose something–no someone, just like she did, “Do you need help?” A bright flash of lilac surrounded the body making Lottie wince at the sudden shock, the body turned around but it was too late for her to look into their eyes.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Lottie groaned, eyes fluttering open to the bright lights that still hurt her eyes just like how they did in her dream but would she even call it that? It felt more real than anything she’s ever undergone, yet, she still sensed it as an out-of-body body experience.
“Oh thank god you’re okay,” Lottie’s mother rushes to her side, she winced at the physical contact, again she’s not used to her parents being so physically affectionate, “The doctors said we could bring you home when you wake up, I’ll go get them.” she seemed very joyful, Lottie hated making them both worry and even so, her father seemed to not even be in the hospital room. Lottie just brushed it off, it feels like her emotions had been sucked out of her face and into the drain.
But Lottie’s heart rang a little making her gasp with air, that person, she was so curious. She thought about them all the way back home from the hospital, completely ignoring the small talk her mother was trying to make.
I’ll figure out who you are. I promise, and we’ll figure this out together. It’s what she’d want.