Chapter Text
It’s a quiet day in the Heeler household. Normally, it would be quite noisy from the kids rushing about and wanting to play a game with their parents. However, they were off at Nana's for the day. Chilli decided that she’d spend her time on the couch, catching up on the latest show that she was watching, since she and her husband finally had time to themselves. However, Bandit was nowhere to be found. The blue heeler was in their bedroom, sitting on the bed and pondering something to himself.
This is fine. He thought. The girls are gonna have a great day at mum’s place. They don’t need me. Chilli doesn’t need me either right now. She’s just watching the show. I can always catch up later. She’d probably just get upset if I joined in right now, so it’s fine . He tried to rationalise his thoughts, but it was clear that it wasn’t working in his favour.
Chilli finished the episode of their show when she noticed Bandit still isn't back yet. This made her worry as he normally would be here by now. Pausing the stream service she went to investigate. Going up the stairs she saw that the bedroom door was closed. She raised an eyebrow. Slowly, she went and opened the door. She found Bandit laying there still as a board looking to the ceiling. It was clear he was lost in thought and whatever it was it was plaguing him. She chose to intervene to help however she could. “Bandit? Sweety? You missed an episode of our show. Are you alright?” She said softly as she entered the bedroom hoping to not startle him.
Bandit didn’t look over at Chilli. He was too lost in thought to really acknowledge what she said, having chosen to tune her out. Why do I keep trying? I’m not a good dog. I want to tell myself that I am, but I don’t believe it. They say they love me. That I’m the best dad in the world. I don’t deserve their kindness.
Bandit’s ears dropped down to the sides of his head, his tail limp and motionless against the mattress. He didn’t look okay.
Chilli felt more concerned from his lack of response. She walked up to Bandit, getting a good look at his worry-filled face. ”Bandit!” She said a bit loud as she placed her hand on his shoulder in hopes of snapping him out of what ever trance he was in. This reminded her so much of when they went to the beach only worse this time. He never said anything about it then and she thought what ever it was he got over it. But its clear as day its still lingering in his mind.
His entire body shivered as he looked back at Chilli, wincing from the loudness of her voice. "O-Oh. Hey, babe. Hope the show was good." His ears were still lowered, and his voice sounded lower than the tone he usually spoke in. "S-Sorry for not coming. I was just having a bit of a rest." He lied straight to her face. Bandit didn’t sound like himself, he wouldn’t even look her in the eyes. They were darting back and forth, between her and the verandah behind her.
Chilli could see the lack of focus in him. “Babe, what's wrong?” She said slightly serious. So many alarms were going off in her head that something was wrong and she was going to get to the bottom of it.
"Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine, Chilli." He spoke swiftly, turning his head around and looking at the wall. Bandit started thinking to himself again. I shouldn’t burden her with my issues. I’m not worth it. Mum never wanted to listen whenever I tried speaking to her, so why should I let anyone else in? They’ll all leave me, anyways. It’s a miracle I went this far without messing up, or she would’ve left me a long time ago. He reached up to his ears and tugged on them slightly, groaning quietly to himself.
“Heeler!” Chilli said, snapping her fingers. “You're clearly not fine, you just lost yourself in your head in the middle of this conversation! What's wrong!” She demanded now.
Bandit turned around and looked Chilli in the eyes. He tried forcing a smile for her, his ears perking up slightly. "I don’t know what you’re talking about, babe. I’m fine. Nice to know you’re worried about me, though." He replied, with a tone that didn’t sound right.
Chilli squinted her eyes at him. “You're lying.” She said bluntly.
"Chilli, I’m fine. Why are you so worried about me? I’m a tough dog. You can leave me be, I’ll be fine!" He replied. He was adamant in showing that he was okay, when he was clearly not. His ears started lowering again, not able to keep them up for much longer.
Chilli crossed her arms as she gave her angry glare. “Bandit, I've known you for how many years now? And let me tell you…” She leaned into his face. “You are an awful liar.” She stood back up tapping her foot. “Now stop this act and talk to me. You are not ok, your ears alone are a clear tell that you're not ok… Please…” She said softly at the end.
Bandit’s eyes were starting to water a bit, reaching his paw up to wipe them both before looking back at Chilli. "I’m telling ya, love. You wouldn’t understand. And I’m not as awful of a liar as you think." He chuckled, the voice in his head still speaking loudly to him. Why would she even ask? It ain’t like she knows how it feels. How can she possibly know what it’s like every single day? These thoughts had only gotten worse the past few days, and it had taken a toll on him.
Chilli gritted her teeth as she got angrier. She sat on the bed beside him. “You forget I'm a security dog. Part of my job is to find liars. And you sir are screaming red flags. Now I'm not leaving till you talk to me!” She demanded from him. “What is plaguing that head of yours sweetheart!”
He sat up in the bed and looked over at her, his heart beating out of his chest. He was breathing a bit heavy now, trying to keep a straight face. "I’m s-sorry, Chilli. But I can’t tell ya. I’m just g-gonna burden you…" He stammered, worried that he might have said too much.
“Bandit, I'm with you for better and for worse. There is nothing you can say or do to burden me. Please i just want to know whats wrong. I want to help.” She said softly as she placed a hand on his cheek caressing it gently.
Bandit could feel his eyes starting to weep again, gritting his teeth slightly as the tears started pouring down his face. The blue heeler had never felt this much pain in his entire life, like it was all that he could think about every moment of every day. "I hate myself, Chilli. I hate myself so much…" He cried out, bringing his paws to his face and sobbing into them.
Chilli’s eyes went wide as she took him into her embrace. “Shhhh it's ok, I’m right here.” She said softly to him. She petted his back gently. She didn't know. How could she? So many things began to race in her mind. But her priority was making sure she was here for him.
He sat there, not taking his paws away from his face as he let out his emotions. He could feel her warmth against him, but he didn’t acknowledge it. “What am I doing, Chilli?” He said, his voice cracking a bit. “I’m not a good dad… or a good husband. I don’t deserve you… I don’t deserve any of you.” Bandit looked over at her, his eyes starting to redden from the tears. He looked destroyed beyond belief.
This was agonising to Chilli, and it left her more confused. "Bandit, where is all this coming from? You know you're an amazing father and amazing husband. I love you with all my heart and so do the girls. Where is this doubt coming from?" She just could understand how or why he was like this suddenly. But she wanted to know to understand. To help.
Bandit sighed. His heart was pounding rather fast, and his head was beginning to hurt from the pain of crying. “I’ve always felt like this, Chilli.” He began to speak. “Ever since I was young, I just felt like I didn’t deserve anything. Like my achievements were meaningless. Every good thing I did, every positive response. It all went in one ear and out the other.”
“Bandit…” She frowned. She gently placed her hand on his cheek, petting him softly. “You are an amazing dog, I don't care how many times it takes. I'll remind you every single day till you believe it. But understand this; My heart was my choice to give to someone. That someone was you. You can't change or take away that choice from me. Same goes with the girls. They see you as their best dad ever. There's nothing that's gonna change that. But this pain, you don't have to hide it anymore. We will tackle this together. It's what a wife does for her husband.” She leaned in, giving him a kiss on his cheek as she petted from the top of his head down the side, making sure to go over gently his ear. It tore her that the love of her life felt like this and had this in him for so long on his own. But she knew no more. He will no longer burden himself with this on his own any more.
He didn’t understand. He couldn’t fathom why she still cared about him, why it felt nice to have her petting him the way she did. Bandit leaned into Chilli’s pets, wiping the tears off of his face with a free hand before hugging her. This was a lot for him, opening up about how he truly felt. It terrified him more than trying to keep it inside. “I love you, Chilli..” He spoke softly, sniffling slightly, his tail gently moving against the bed as he nuzzled into his wife’s fur.
“I love you too, Bandit. I always have and always will.” She pulled him into a hug making sure his face was in her chest. She wanted to encapsulate him with her embrace. She wanted him to feel as safe and protected as possible. He held onto her, his heart rate slowing down to a reasonable pace while he relaxed in her arms. “Do you feel better now?” Bandit nodded in agreement in her grasp. “We’re gonna figure this out. One step at a time. For now it's just you and me. You don't need to fight alone anymore.” Somehow her words made him feel a bit better. Even if he didn't fully believe them.