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Kitty had been skipping her therapy sessions.
Why? Well, she really didn’t know. Maybe it was because she was unmotivated? Like something was weighing her down and she didn’t have the strength to get up again. But at the same time, she felt like she didn’t need it anymore. The consistent nightmares and flashbacks stopped, right? She hadn’t felt that terrible..Ick feeling in a while, really the only feeling that was back was her feeling so unmotivated all the time. And that wasn’t a problem.
Right?
..Wrong- She’d been subconsciously bottling up everything. Things from her past slowly creeping into her mind every single day, still, she didn’t go back to therapy. She hadn’t told anybody either, not her girlfriend, not her cousins. Because she knew, they’d just tell her that this was a bad idea. So, she’d just go to the library to study for a bit, and she’d come back when the hour she was supposed to be at therapy is over. She knew it wasn’t that bad of a thing to do right?
But she still always felt her stomach churn in guilt whenever Cathy asked how therapy went. Her answer would always be a quick “good” before she ran off to put her stuff away. There wasn’t anyway to avoid the question either, seeing as the two lived in a small apartment near the college, they were both graduating this year, and they planned to live in the same apartment for a while until they could eventually get a house. And Kitty was worried about how long she could go without actually telling Cathy what was going on.
She knew her girlfriend wouldn’t be upset…hopefully. It wasn’t like her to get upset, but, she always seemed to have bad judgement when it came to that, and she was worried. Worried that her girlfriend would stop loving her…or worse. And maybe it was justified, she was lying to her, after all. Maybe she should just tell Cathy…but, she still couldn’t help but feel this overwhelmingly nervous feeling if/when Cathy did find out.
What if she was mad at kitty for lying?? No, that didn’t seem like her…but then again, anything can happen, people can change and maybe she was just— No! Cathy wouldn’t do that…But still, the thought didn’t leave Kitty’s mind. She hadn’t really been able to sleep for a couple days in a row..but that was normal, right? Tonight was particularly a hard night, she was overthinking, a lot and she couldn’t sleep at all, despite her eyes feeling heavy, despite the quiet yawns that would come from her once and a while.
So, Kitty had decided to just finish up her homework, if she couldn’t sleep, she might as well use her time responsibly, right? So, managing not to wake up Cathy, she worked on her English paper, promising herself that she’d sleep after.
An hour passed, she still couldn’t sleep, but the paper was finished. She groaned, closing her computer, and turning on her side, slightly shifting away from Cathy, who was still sleeping peacefully. The thought made her smile a bit, even if she was having trouble sleeping her girlfriend wasn’t, and that was good, especially because Cathy used to have trouble sleeping every night, with that thought, her eyes fluttered a bit, her body giving into the overwhelming sleepiness, and, she drifted off to sleep.
Unbeknownst to Kitty, she wouldn’t be sleeping for long
"We have a connection, Katherine." …? Those words rung through her head with a disgusting familiarity, it made her chest grow tight, her breath hitching, stomach churning. It was only one voice at first, his voice. If that wasn’t enough already, 3 other voices joined the mix. Her hands wrapped around herself, subconsciously scratching, she scratched. She didn’t draw too much blood, but there was visible cuts on her skin now.
The feeling was back, it was like…everything was happening all over again, it felt like it was…it looked like it was. And, she screamed, her eyes shot open, and she sat up, blinking, her eyes blurry with tears, her mascara she forgot to wipe off earlier painting some on her tears black, she was hyperventilating at this point, she gripped the blankets like her life depended on it, her knuckles turning a bright red, she could still hear the voices, mixed with ringing it was loud, too loud. But, it quieted down as a calmer voice cut through the others.
—
Cathy was worried. She was worried beyond belief and she didn’t know what to do. Cathy noticed, kitty thought she didn’t, but she did. She’d look at the floor whenever Cathy asked or mentioned therapy, she’d bite her lip and leave the room quicker than usual, and her answer? Well it was always the same. Just a plain “good”, and Cathy knew something was up. She didn’t want to press, so she didn’t, but she still felt this mix of worry and guilt.
Cathy had also noticed Kitty’s lack in sleep, she would wake up in the middle of the night extremely often, that used to be pretty normal, until Kitty started going to therapy, Kitty told her the nightmares stopped…so why had she been waking up every night for two weeks in a row? It definitely worried Cathy, especially when she knew what it was like to deal with the lost of sleep.
Hell, only recently had Cathy been sleeping without waking up in the middle of the night a little while after kitty stopped having nightmares. Cathy would never tell Kitty this, because she knew Kitty would feel bad, even though she shouldn’t, Cathy didn’t want to sleep, she wanted to make sure she was up for Kitty if Kitty ended up having a nightmare, which used to be every night.
Cathy had no idea what exactly happened to Kitty in the past, but from what she can imagine, It had to be terrible. From what Cathy could see, kitty really almost always had sleeping problems, specifically nightmares. Ever since they met as freshman in college from sharing dorms, Cathy could never sleep, and she would always notice Kitty shoot up in the middle of the night, and after a while, she learned how to help Kitty through her nightmares.
And that’s what she had been doing, but this week, she didn’t…it seemed like Kitty didn’t want anyone to know, and Cathy wanted to respect that as much as she could, but she was still worried out of her mind. Though, this night was particularly different, when she heard Kitty scream. She hadn’t heard Kitty scream from a nightmare in a long time… She immediately wiped the sleep from her eyes, sitting up.
—
"Kit?" The voice asked. Kitty looked over to see familiar soft brown eyes looking at her, filled with concern. Nonono…She woke up Cathy, that was the one thing she didn’t want to do…she didn’t want Cathy worrying about her, and Cathy had JUST started sleeping-! She didn’t want to ruin that. But she did, her breath quickened even more at this, what if she was mad? Was she gonna leave or-
"Kitty!" Cathy had called her name about…Three times beforehand, Kitty had just noticed it. She hadn’t even noticed how she started scratching more, not to mention her breathing and tears, her fingers stopped moving, resting on her arms now, mascara still stained her face, her eyes were red and puffy, there were still tears streaming down her cheeks, she stared at Cathy, blinking a bit.
Kitty didn’t even know she was talking, everything was a blur. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I shouldn’t have woken you up I’m so sorry I’ll just—" But she was cut off, but a calm, yet concern filled voice. "No, No— Kit, it’s okay. Why’re you apologizing?" Kitty didn’t answer, she just stared at the wall, blinking, the voices were still there, so was the ringing…why wouldn’t it stop, she just wanted it to stop.
Stop. Stop. Stopstopstopstopstop—
"Kitty? Hey, love. Breathe with me, okay? In through the nose, out through the mouth slowly. Can I touch you?" Cathy asked, Kitty immediately shook her head, and Cathy nodded in understanding. With time, they were able to calm down Kitty’s breathing. Subconsciously, Kitty reached for Cathy’s hand. Cathy tilted her head, giving her a questioning look, and Kitty nodded her head. She carefully took Kitty’s hand in hers, giving it a small squeeze.
"Nightmare?" Cathy asked, rubbing her thumb against the top of Kitty’s hand. Kitty nodded in response, biting her lip. "Wanna talk about it?" Cathy asked, she pretty much already knew, the answer was going to be no, kitty never really talked about her feelings, especially her nightmares, but to her surprise…Kitty nodded her head. And Cathy was more than happy to listen, she wasn’t surprised at all when kitty rested her head on Cathy’s shoulder, but…she was surprised when kitty told her everything. What had been going on lately, her skipping therapy, everything that happened in the past, what her nightmare was about, everything.
Cathy nodded at everything she was saying, being careful not to touch her unless she said it was okay. "Can I touch you, kit?" Was the first thing she asked, after Kitty told the story. Hesitantly, Kitty nodded. Cathy reached down, wiping the tears from her mascara stained face, brushing strains of hair out of her face. "I would never be mad. I’ll always love you. Do you think it would help if I came with you for your next appointment?" Cathy asked.
Kitty nodded her head in response, she hadn’t really talked this whole time. She still felt guilty but…having Cathy up was really helping her. "Love, you know if you need me you can just wake me up, right?" Cathy asked, softly, running her fingers through Kitty’s hair now. Kitty shook her head. "Don’t wanna wake you up." She answered, somewhat bluntly. "You deserve to sleep…it’s not fair if I wake you up…" Kitty stated, her eyes fluttering.
Cathy sighed a bit. "Please try to wake me up next time? It’s okay if you don’t, but I really wanna be there for you." Cathy suggested. After a bit of contemplating, Kitty eventually nodded her head in agreement, she still felt bad though, Cathy shouldn’t have to deal with her just because she couldn’t get her shit together-! Right? It wasn’t fair to Cathy, even if she said it was, she couldn’t shake off the feeling.
Kitty’s eyes fluttered once again, leaning into Cathy’s arm once she wrapped her arm around her. She was tired, but she didn’t want to sleep.. she wanted to somehow stop herself from sleeping but she couldn’t. And Cathy seemed to notice this. "If you sleep, Kitkat, I’ll be here, okay? I promise, I’m here and I’m never going to leave." Cathy reassured, a small smile grew on Kitty’s face. Finally, Kitty’s eyes fluttered shut.
For once in Kitty’s life, everything was right in the world.