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"Alright, Y/n?"
James' familiar accent practically shouted as he slid into the seat next to you, tugging the ends of your loose hair.
"Merlin, James!" You clutched your chest, startled by the sudden interruption. You were enraptured in your History of Magic assignment and the library had been so quiet before. "A little warning next time, maybe."
"I am the warning," He smiled slyly, "What's wrong with you? You've been avoiding Pads like the plague."
"Nothing is wrong with me, it's only been four days for god's sake," You rolled your eyes.
His eyes widened, "I didn't know it'd been that long or I'd have checked in sooner, Four days is a lifetime for the two of you."
"You both are so dramatic."
"Says you who won't even tell your best friend why you're not talking to your lover boy."
You glare at the boy who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut, "Now, you know damn well you're not my best friend and for the millionth time me and Sirius are just friends."
You slam the textbook you were reading closed and packed it in your bag, moving out of your chair and walking away. James followed closely behind.
"I'll have you know we've been friends for longer than the lot of them," He referred to the rest of the Marauders and the girls. "You should be able to trust me."
"You asked me for homework twice before I've had a conversation with Sirius or the others, that does not mean we've been friends for longer, that just means you're a slick prick."
"I'm gonna pretend your words don't sting, L/n, but I'm begging you-" He blocked the door to exit the Library. "Tell me why you aren't speaking to the poor lad."
You crossed your arms, frustrated, "The moment I tell you, you're gonna be off tattling to Sirius."
"I promise I won't," He spoke in a serious tone and you looked at him with a stern face. "Cross my heart."
You had no reason to be ignoring Sirius the way that you had been, not really. After all, you were just friends- friends don't get mad when friends kiss other people at a party. It was petty of you to have kept it going for this long but you were hurt.
Also, between you and Sirius, you were always a little more than just friends.
Nothing about the two of you was platonic and yet no physical act indicated that you were in a romantic relationship. It was known, it went unsaid, he was yours and you were his.
For years, it was an ongoing dance of lingering stares and near touches. As if the act of an embrace or a simple handshake will combust the carefully constructed invisible wall that you both had built on your friendship. It went unsaid that though you weren't together- you are. Despite both of you being insistent on the status of your relationship as being just friends.
"He was with someone else at the party," You confessed.
James scoffed disbelieving, "No he wasn't."
Your eyes narrowed, he definitely was- you saw it with your own two eyes, granted you were slightly inebriated but you couldn't have conjured the image in your mind. If he didn't trust your word it was fine by you, "Ask Remus if you don't believe me then."
"That's why he hasn't been in an uproar about this," He placed his hands on his hips. "Right well, in that case, Pads was very likely drunk."
"And this is why I didn't want to talk to you," You shove past him finally. "You're always going to defend him, no matter what Sirius can do no wrong."
"Forgive me if I don't think Sirius would do such a thing, he's absolutely mad for you Y/n, you have to know that."
You paused in the middle of the hall, you bit your lip in thought and shook your head. "He's not mine, James, it doesn't matter what he does."
~~~
When the Gryffindors threw a party celebrating the final win of the Quidditch season, all houses were invited, and you lost him in the crowd. Some part of you knew.
You felt the betrayal deep in your gut, though he would never do anything to hurt you willingly, a part of you felt like it was inevitable. That was the reason you held out for so long. Life was unpredictable and everything could fall apart in a second.
A girl hung around his neck, he looked stunned but smiled droopily barely opening his eyes before leaning into her again.
All the protection you formed around you had crumbled, your heart was shredded with sharp razors and the room was caving in. You shoved through the barricade of people cheering and dancing. You needed air, now.
You clutched your chest as you felt a pain come from your sternum, you couldn't remember the last time you cried, this would be breaking the uncounted streak. You stumbled, dropping the firewhiskey-filled cup on a table nearby, and ran to a bucket of trash, throwing up the contents of an empty stomach.
Sirius warned you to eat and drink water ahead of time, the last thing you ate was breakfast 12 hours ago, the memory of Sirius made it so much easier for your upset stomach to clear out.
Gentle hands pulled the few strands of hair that fell out of our weak grasp, from your peripheral you saw Remus' brown sweater sleeve. You heaved into the trash bucket, "Rem."
"You're alright, Y/n/n," He rubbed smooth circles on your back.
"I think I'm gonna die," Your eyes tear up from the sting in your throat and because of what you just witnessed.
Remus tsked, softly pulling you up from your kneeling position, "Up you go, love."
You whimpered slightly, you were in a corner hovered over but more than a few people definitely see you spill your guts into the can you held close, this was going to be embarrassing tomorrow. Hopefully, no one was sober enough to remember seeing you this way.
"I'll take you to my dorm to rest a little before I find Sirius and he can walk you to yours-"
You shook your head in protest, "No, I can't. Get Lily." Sirius could potentially bring his conquest up to the room and you didn't want to see more than you already have.
He tilted his head in confusion, you weren't up to explaining it to him right now so you insisted you both find Lily together.
"Weren't you together?" He asked, his hand was on the small of your back, guiding you around like a lost child looking for their mother.
"He went to get me a drink, I was with Marlene, next thing I knew I was throwing up."
"So why can't we just find Sirius?"
"Later, Remus, I can barely fucking stand right now." You held onto his shoulder as he walked you a couple of steps up the stairs to the boy's dorm so you both can get a better view of where Lily was.
You caught sight of her fiery red hair, giggling at whatever James spoke into her ear.
"Wait, here-" Remus steadied you on the wall as he went to pull Lily away from his flirty friend.
What was worse was that you saw Sirius searching the crowd, presumably for you, thankfully you were hidden from view. He found James who had pouted the moment Lily walked away with Remus, he stressfully ran a hand through his hair.
Your vision was blurry, the room felt like it was spinning and you weren't sure if leaning against the wall was helping your nausea.
Lily and Remus had managed to get you to your dorm as efficiently as they could that night. The next morning you spent the day in your dorm, Saturday was spent avoiding Sirius, Sunday you went to Hogsmeade and Monday was the only day where you had no classes with him but during meal times you had barely said a handful of words to him.
~~~
Transfiguration class was busy and stressful with what Professor McGonagall had assigned. A full description of what was learned in class today, caused by the disruption of the lovely boys you called friends. James and Sirius wouldn't stop interrupting class with their jokes which made everyone laugh but eventually, Mcgonagoll got fed up giving them warnings.
When she was over with her lecture, she told the class to have the essay ready by the end of class, there were only 30 mintues left.
You felt a poke on your side, you ignored it and continued with your paper. Another sharp poke stabbed harshly into your ribs, you slammed the quill onto your desk and turned to face your assailant.
The silver eyed Gryffindor was smirking into his hand that held his chin while he held onto the tip of the wand, handle side pointed at you.
"What?" You whisper shouted at him.
"Was hoping you could help me with my work?" He whispered softly to you with a charming smile that normally made you melt eased onto his features. You held strong, "No."
His brows furrowed and a faux frown replaced it, "But darling-"
"No, Sirius." You scribbled angrily on your paper. You were almost done with the essay, you just need a couple more sentences for it to be acceptable for Mcgonagoll. "You got yourself and everybody else into this mess, you get yourself out of it."
He groaned a little too loudly earning him a look from the Professor, he sat up straighter and leaned closer to you, you both shared a desk and he already sat so close that your elbows would accidentally brush when writing notes or shifting in your seat. You could feel his heartbeat as his chest was touching your arm, his head was tilted to see your face but it was hidden by your hair.
You pretended you couldn't feel him or the heat that was rising in your cheeks, with a finger he lifted the curtain of hair blocking your face and tucked it behind your ear.
"Please?"
You shot out of your seat making the chair scrape against the floor as you got out of it. You walked up to Mcgonagoll's desk, handing her the paper and asking her if you could be excused.
~~~
When each of the rest of your classes ended that day Sirius was waiting for you at the door, he took the books out of your arms and walked you to the next one before going to his. During meal times he had his arm around your shoulder like it was something natural for him. It wasn't even the casual loose arm around the shoulder, it was him pulling you so close that your head was forced to lean against his neck.
Not that you hated it, in fact, your traitorous heart lept in joy at every inch of attention he was giving you. Every now and again, your brain would pop in and remind you of the incident at the party that was the only thing you seemed to remember and your body would tense. The moment he felt you tense up he let you go, which ruined those perfect moments.
Each day something more was added. It made your body tingle in excitement at how it remembered Sirius' burning touch. His arm, his leg, his fingers- his lips. Nowhere near your lips and it made you yearn for the feel of them.
At breakfast, he kissed your temple in greeting.
In class, if you had one together (he would always sit with you) his arm would be around your chair, and not only would he play with your hair but when he would stop, he pulled you into his side, tracing his fingers along your arm.
In the common room, if you were sitting next to each other on the couch, he pulled your legs onto his lap and traced the same patterns that he would in class.
After the Quidditch game this weekend against Ravenclaw, Gryffindor won and Sirius pulled you in a sweaty hug, twirling you in his arms. Once he set you down, the way he grabbed your cheeks and pulled you in you thought he was going to kiss you- instead, he kissed both of your cheeks.
The party that weekend wasn't as big, most everyone from the last one still recovering but Sirius stayed by your side the whole night. It was half the crowd from last time but Sirius made it his sole mission to scare off any guys who weren't in your inner circle.
You had to admit that this party made you think of the last one and it wouldn't budge from your thoughts until you had enough liquor in you that you didn't care.
Sirius held you close by your waist as you danced to Killer Queen by Queen, your back was against his chest, and in your tipsy state your head laid back against his heart as you swayed in an upbeat motion to the tune of the song. You and Sirius were singing along to the lyrics annoyingly to your friends.
By the end of the night, you didn't know how much you could take of this before you exploded. You went back and forth between loving the attention and running from it, you weren't sure who was playing with your feelings more, him or you.
~~~
This went on for a week, by the evening of the next Monday, you needed to put a stop to this before your feelings overwhelm you. During this time, you've debated on what caused the sudden change in affection and the only logical reason you could think of was James.
"James Fleamont Potter!" You marched into the Gryffindor common room, straight to where Lily was surrounded by books on a desk, the boy you were looking for in a seat right beside her- no doubt attempting to woo the poor girl who was just trying to study. She pretended to be bothered by him, you knew the truth but none of that mattered at the moment.
Apparently, he didn't hear so went around the desk and dragged him up from his seat by his collar and cornered him on the wall behind the desk.
"You told him, you told Sirius and now he's acting different!" Your forearm was on his throat, he glanced down at his wand. "Try it and I'll jinx you so hard you won't be able to turn into a stag for a long, long while."
He gulped as he looked down onto your furious face, "I would never!"
"What the bloody hell is going on here?" Remus held a bewildered expression once he came down the steps of the boy's dorms. You glared at James, releasing your hold on him and taking a couple of steps back.
You pointed at the boy who was rubbing his neck, "He told Sirius about the party!"
"I did not, I swore I wouldn't-"
"Liar!"
You and James bickered for several seconds, both of you not hearing the other until Lily slammed her textbook loudly.
"Enough," She shouted, "Both of you are behaving like children!"
"She started it," James muttered. You huffed, "I hate you."
"You know what? Maybe he's acting different because you can't even look him in the eye when you speak to 'im and trying to get you to pay attention to him, you loon." James blurted out and finished off his statement with his arms crossed.
Remus took a step in your direction and asked you in a careful tone, "Y/n, would it really be so bad if Sirius knew?"
"If I knew what?"
The subject of discussion just walked through the portrait, your heart stopped at the thought of him possibly hearing your entire conversation. Nobody said anything but you felt everyone's eyes on you, you only held onto Remus' stare and walked up to the girl's dormitories, not wanting to deal with this mess.
The way he was acting differently was the way he was being more physical with you. The tuck behind your ear, the wrapping of his arm around your shoulders, the caressing of your face for you to look him in the eye. Something you've avoided since the incident.
Physical touch was something that you and Sirius didn't do. To touch each other for something other than comfort in a time of need, was an admission of something that was unspoken. Those careful touches were full of care, admiration, and love. As if you could ever touch each other with meaning less than that.
It was so simple that it was never done unless one of you was hurting, or if it was necessary for a task.
The accidental brush of fingers was the one that sent a spark up your spine. His pinky would twitch against yours, or yours against his and you both knew but that was the most that either of you would allow.
There were times were he would have his arm around your chair, and he would play with the ends of your hair, never actually touching you.
The only time that was an exception was when Sirius did something wrong, in which case he would do what he was doing now and was more physically affectionate. He was a puppy rubbing his head against its owners leg to gain favor for chewing on their owners' shoes. The analogy felt fitting, and that's what you told Lily when she came to the dorm after you, asking what was wrong.
She laughed heartily, "Well, he's not called Padfoot for nothing."
You laid back against the headboard of your bed, "With all these signs, he knows."
"Those aren't bad signs, Y/n, it's quite the opposite actually." She advocated for Sirius' behavior, "That's the equivalent of a man sending flowers to his girlfriend."
"But I am not his girlfriend"
She sighed, "I'm sure you two have heard this a lot, but you might as well be. This affliction with touch as a way to avoid your feelings doesn't change that."
She was right, you knew it- Sirius knew it, there was just something that prevented you and Sirius from taking that step. You felt like it was his fear of commitment and for yourself... as much as you would've loved to hear how Sirius feels out loud, what you had with him as friends was safer than ending up with a broken heart.
~~~
Tuesday after classes, the Marauders wanted to go out, but out they meant the Black Lake. Lily suggested a picnic and whatever Lily wanted, James provided.
Remus and Peter set up a large blanket, Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary held hands swinging them along while Mary held the basket. Lily and James walked behind them as you and Sirius trailed after.
Sirius halted you by intertwining his hand with yours, you looked up at him in question.
"Can we talk?"
You look over your shoulder at your friends- none of whom were paying any attention in your direction- traitors.
"Sure," You give him a small smile.
Sirius' silver eyes intimidated you, his beauty in his tall stature, his style, and his bone structure was pure elegance but his eyes are what you loved the most. They sliced through every rational thought you had and turned your legs into jelly, they held yours so gently it made you want to jump at his every request.
"I know why you've been so off with me lately," He started and leaned his back against the tree with his hands in his front pockets.
Your eyes narrowed, and your eyebrow quirked for him to continue, "Go on."
"It's cute actually," He was playing with you.
"Aren't you going to tell me why you think I've been off?"
He tsked, "Now, where would the fun be in that? I wanna hear you admit it."
You weren't going to, "You're the one who wanted to talk, you admit it."
He pushed himself off the tree and stepped directly in front of you so that he towered over you, you had to bend your neck upwards to meet his gaze. He held your face in his hands so lightly, it was as if he expected you to break in his grasp.
"I admit to knowing that you saw me kissing that girl at the party, I saw you looking" You turned your head from him- pissed that he knew you were looking while kissing that girl but he snapped your head back to face him. "I was drunk, and she pulled me to kiss her, honestly I think she was wearing your perfume or something 'cause I thought she was you. It's not excusable I know but it's the only one I've got, you've gotta believe me, dove."
You didn't know what to believe, whether you wanted to or not.
He searched your eyes for a reaction but you kept your face calm, the only sign of anything was your eyes flickering between both of his.
"I love you," Your eyes widened. "I love you more than I've ever shown you, Y/n, and that's all my fault because I should have told you. I can't even begin to explain how fucking in love with you, I am."
"Sirius-"
"Y/n." He slightly shook you in his hands, "I need you to understand, Please. I wanted you to tell me that you loved me too, that it wasn't just in my head. That you were jealous when you saw her when I should've gone after you, I wanted you to tell me that night or this week that you want me just as much as I want you. I was wrong, it was wrong of me," He sounded breathless.
You couldn't help it, your eyes flickered to his lips, you didn't care anymore. His confession unlocked something in you that you just wanted to feel his lips finally, adoration filled your chest and any doubts about confessing were gone. He leaned down so that his forehead pressed against yours and your noses brushed, it was teasing.
He didn't stop you when you nudged your nose against his and finally kissed him. It was a long, passionate, desperate kiss that left you desperate. Sirius turned his head and brought you so incredibly close, the kiss deepened and a heat rose from your body.
You smiled in the kiss and how long it's been, you pulled away, your eyes filled with a new light, and you pecked his lips, "I love you more."
"Impossible," He kissed you some more before you joined your friends who didn't bother to hide their cheeky smiles.
"How much did you guys hear?" You asked as you sat and leaned against Sirius on the blanket.
James' smile widened with mischievousness, "Everything."
The rest of them nodded and continued their conversations, as mid-afternoon turned to night, you and Sirius were the only ones left behind with the food as the others went out onto the dock, play fighting you saw James get tossed into the water by Remus.
"I know we weren't into labels before, but I'd like to make it known that you're my mine now," Sirius whispered in your ear.
His words sent shivers down your spine, "Oh is that so?"
"You were as good as mine, Y/n," Sirius confessed. "I was the idiot that didn't make it clear enough to let you know how much I want you as my girlfriend."
"And this is you asking," You said it more as a statement.
"Unless you don't want to be which is hardly believable with the way you kissed me earlier- honestly, Y/n- you're quite the kisser, I always knew you would be but Merlin," He spoke with an exaggeration to compete with James' dramatics.
You lifted your body from him, sat on your knees, and straddled his legs, crawling up to meet him, "I would love to be your girlfriend."
He chuckled, grabbing onto your hips "My little temptress," He stroked his thumb against your cheek lovingly, kissing you softly.