Work Text:
i.
Kit's cheeks hurt from how much she's been smiling. How could she not smile with a mom like hers? Risk a telling off once in the safety of the car home? No thank you. So Kit smiles for the cameras and ignores the headache she's getting from all the yelling and flashing lights.
This is her first red carpet. She's stood at her mother's right, Airk on the other side, one of Sorsha's hands placed expertly on either of her children's shoulders.
The three of them were in the movie together. Kit's not actually seen the movie. It's rated a fifteen and she's only ten, almost eleven thank you very much, so she doesn't really know what it's about. Love, she thinks. Probably. All she knows is she got to say 'fuck' in the movie when she yelled at her mom.
Someone with a camera shouts her name and she looks at him. He snaps a photo and she blinks, she knows she blinks, but the flash was so bright. She'll get told of for that later, too.
Just as her body begins to feel like it's turning to stone from how still she was holding her pose and smile, Sorsha taps their shoulders and say it's time for some interviews. Kit loves watching her mom's interviews, really admires how she answers sincerely but with an artificial smile. All one big act.
Sorsha is swept off. Kit and Airk are left with their security for the night, not their usual security guard, and ushered towards someone with a camera and microphone.
"You two are just adorable!" Says the woman, bending over slightly so she's closer to the twins' heights. "You look just like your parents, have you been told that before?"
All the time, Kit thinks.
"Yeah, a lot of people have said that," Airk answers for both of them.
"I bet you two of are going to grow up to be heartbreakers, look at you! I can't get over how cute you are!" The interviewer says with a giggle. "What was your favourite part of the movie- Being in it, of course, because I know you're not old enough to see it tonight." She places the microphone in front of Airk.
Kit frowns. She doesn't care that she's on camera. Airk is barely in the movie! He's there, of course. He's playing Kit's younger brother because she happens to look older than him. But it's about Kit! Sort of. It's not, sure. But she's the one who cries and says fuck and shouts at her mother for not caring! Surely she should deserve some credit for that performance!
Because that's all it was. A performance. Kit loves her mom she loves her family.
Airk spews some nonsense about how good the cast were to them and how much fun it was being on set with their mom. After he's finished, Kit expects to get her chance to shine. But no.
"And Kit, what was it like acting opposite your mother so young? It must've been challenging knowing you were up against such monumental talent with your emotional scene?" The woman says.
Kit blinks. "It wasn't challenging." And that's that.
All she can think about, as she and Airk are passed around interviewers like pass the parcel, is how much more fun she'd be having if Jade were here.
Jade is their security guard Ballentine's daughter. She's almost a year older than Kit and is from England so she has this funny accent and says things like "pavement" and "trousers" and "mum". They moved back to America at the end of last year because Jade's birth mum died, Jade told her even though Kit wasn't supposed to know according to Sorsha.
They've only been friends for a few months but they're already best friends. Same school, same grade, even though Jade's way smarter than Kit. She basically lives at Kit's house, too.
Sometimes she disappears for a day or two and comes back a little slumped, but most of the time she and Kit are chasing each other around the beach or through the living room, playing chase or knights or pirates or anything, really. Sometimes Airk will play and he'll agree to be the damsel in distress for them to save.
Long story short, Jade makes everything better. Before, Kit didn't really have a friend. She knows her mom brought Jade aside once and asked her to be friends with Kit because Kit struggled to fit in with the other girls and Airk's friends. But she doesn't mind. They're friends, real best friends, so Kit doesn't care what her mom asked.
If Jade were on the carpet with them, they could laugh about everyone's suits and dresses, or play games while they wait in line. But Jade can't come to premiers. She isn't the daughter of anyone important, Sorsha had said. But Ballentine is important! Kit had defied. She was sent to her room after that. Thankfully her dad had followed her, stroked her hair and explained that there are different kinds of important people.
"The ones behind the scenes, and the ones in the spotlight. It stays that way until the children are old enough to decide if they want to be in the spotlight or not," he told her, sitting on the edge of her bed.
"I don't want to be in the spotlight! Not without Jade!" Kit had pouted right back and threw herself into her pillow before she was peeled off of her bed and forced into a makeup chair.
ii.
"Everyone misses their friends when they're apart," Elora says to Kit as they hang upside down off of her bed. Kit just hums in response.
She's been telling herself that all day. Everyone misses their friends. Except, she and Jade aren't friends anymore, are they?
It's been the biggest challenge of her whole life to keep that secret to herself over the summer.
On the last day of middle school, Kit had joked as they spent their afternoon our of school on the beach, "Are we still gonna be friends in high school?" Of course they would. She didn't doubt that for a second.
Then Jade had said, "What if we weren't friends?"
If Kit wasn't so certain of the sparks flying between them every time they make eye contact, her heart would have plummeted out of her body. Instead, it exploded with fireworks and she kept herself just contained enough to ask Jade what she meant.
"I mean," Jade nervously dipped her head, "what if we were more than friends?"
"You mean-"
"Kit, will you be my girlfriend?"
"Yes!"
They spent all summer teetering on the precipice of their new relationship, had their first kiss and went on their first date. But they didn't tell anyone.
After Kit's birthday, Jade went back home to England to see her sister. They did this every year. For two weeks between Kit and Jade's birthdays, she goes home to see her family. Kit's done this for four years in a row now. Surely she could handle another year...
Or not, it would seem. She'll be home in four days but Kit misses seeing her. They talk all the time still, but it's not the same.
"Yeah..." Kit says all of a sudden. "About that..."
"What?" Elora says, turning her head so they're facing each other.
This time last year, Kit couldn't be in the same room as Elora for more than five minutes without wanting to kill her. Now they're basically sisters.
Sure, Kit's spent all summer with Jade. But mostly evenings. Jade's been helping at this sports camp for little kids for extra credit already. So Kit's been spending her days at the beach. The beach Elora just so happens to live right next door to.
It happened by chance entirely. Forced proximity. One morning of picking shells and sunbathing next to Elora turned into the same thing, day after day. Teaching her about waves and surf and all the stuff her dad taught her in her trips to Australia for the holidays.
That's another thing. This is the first summer without her dad. Kit can't stand being cooped up with her mom for three months straight. Usually, she and Airk get to fly out to Perth and see their dad for a few days, or he'd fly back to California and stay in a hotel by the beach. When he came to LA, they'd go out to lunch and he'd teach her all abou the surf. She can't do that this year, doesn't even want to look at a surf board lest she blow up on the spot with all the emotions she feels. So she chose the lesser of two evils: Elora.
Bubbly, blonde Elora who turns out to actually be kind of cool? Unbelievable, believe Kit she knows.
She's two years older than Kit, going into her junior year as Kit becomes a freshman. She's in all these clubs about protecting the environment and against gun violence and all this stuff Kit really didn't know someone who fits the image of a blonde bimbo could care about. And she's in the GSA. Kit doesn't know to which part, but she's in it. So Kit...
"We aren't exactly... friends," Kit says, picking at her nail polish. A neutral tone Sorsha just insisted she have for the H&M shoot, because Kit is now the face of H&M, some how, for the season at least.
"Oh?" Elora says.
Kit hums. She sits up and tucks her hair behind her ears. This shoulder length bob she's had for five years now. She hates it, wants it shorter. But apparently she'll get more jobs if it's longer. Whatever. Anything to keep Sorsha happy.
Music is playing softly in the bedroom. It's a small room, a small house compared to Kit's. More of a cabin than a house. Elora's dad has been fixing it up, taking a step back from his theatre job to create the perfect house for his retirement in however many years it'll take him to decide to retire. Elora let Kit choose the music since she was feeling so down, and naturally Kit chose Pure Heroine. Ribs fills the room quietly. Kit loves this song.
"We're, uh-" Kit bites her thumbnail, a nasty habit she's really trying to get rid of. "We're girlfriends. We're dating. She asked me to be her girlfriend. Because I'm a lesbian."
Kit feels like she's underwater. Like a wave has dragged her under and she's spinning but it's comforting, almost. It's relief that the struggle is over.
And Elora... Elora just smiles at her. She sits up and touches Kit's knee like approaching a cornered feral cat, and she just smiles.
The Elora who told her she needed to reapply sunscreen that first day and helped her get all the spots on her back. The Elora who offered to drive Kit home after her new Converse gave her blisters. Elora who gave her a tampon and told her how to use it after she got her period, not her first but her first one in a few months because it's sometimes spotty at the start, apparently. Elora who let Kit borrow some shorts and taught her how to get blood out of her favourite jeans. Elora who told her the power of love.
Elora smiles and says, "I'm glad. You glow when you're together. You're meant to be with someone who makes you glow." Then, "Thank you for telling me."
"You're the first," Kit says. She'd told her brother she suspected she wasn't straight when they watched Pirates of the Caribbean a couple of years ago, and he'd said the same thing. But she hadn't actually told anyone. Except Jade.
"Well, thank you again."
"You have to act surprised whenever me and Jade, like, actually tell people, though," Kit says.
"Okay," Elora says. "I'll keep your secret." Then she winks at Kit and pinches her leg, making her laugh. "Do you wanna go to the beach to watch the sunrise tomorrow?" Elora asks, swapping conversation topics as quickly as she learnt that Kit hates to dwell.
"Do I want to wake up at three in the morning to skate here and sit on a cold beach with you?" Kit laughs. "Fuck yeah." She checks her phone, sees the time and text from her brother, and sighs. "And with that, I will see you in roughly eight hours."
Kit walks home. It's not a particularly far walk if she cuts through a couple neighbours. She walks with her skateboard in hand, baseball cap and sunglasses on, just in case. She gets halfway home when it settles in her gut what she just did. She came out and told her best friend she's in a relationship with her other best friend. And nothing went wrong.
Kit pulls out her phone and sends Elora a voice message because she hates texting, especially while walking.
"Hey, I just wanted to say thank you. For today and for the whole summer, really. It's been hard without Jade but you- I'm just really glad I met you and it all worked out. Thank you, for everything. I don't know how I would do this without you."
iii.
Jade's flight home got delayed thanks to biblical torrential rain in the UK with thunder and lightning, so Kit is alone on her birthday.
Objectively, that is a lie since she's currently in a full bowling alley booked out and filled up with people invited to her and Airk's seventeenth birthday party. She's squeezed into a booth seat beside her brother, her brother's current girlfriend, and Elora and her sister, Mims. Besides from her mother, Kit can't really say she knows anyone else in the building. There's this kid Graydon who's her age but he goes to the boys' school Kit's school has beaten in every sports game this year. Her mom knows his parents and she's trying to set them up or something equally as ridiculous since Kit has been in a relationship with a woman for three years now, but whatever. Sorsha knows this.
Sorsha also knows Kit doesn't like a big party like this full of executives and photographers and stylists she doesn't even know but apparently worked with once when she was thirteen. If this room was full of the friends she's actually made through the bits and pieces of modelling she's done, so be it. If this room wasn't full, and it was just her snd her closest friends playing bowling like normal people, even better. But no. What Sorsha says goes, and Sorsha says Kit needs to work on getting herself out there as if she hadn't sent off a second promising round of head shots to Vivienne fucking Westwood yesterday! Not that Sorsha knows about that yet...
So Kit sits around waiting for her turn to bowl again and she laughs when Airk slips over. But mostly, Kit waits for Jade to text her that she's taking off.
Until the party stretches on and someone organises karaoke and Kit is being pushed into another booth beside all these young actors she doesn't know, not really, and Elora volunteers to go first.
The thing is with Elora, though Kit loves her, she is somehow everything Kit isn't. And Sorsha loves her. Loves her long hair and femininity, loves that she's multi-talented and good looking. Loves her like the daughter she wishes she had, not the one she has. So when Elora gets up there and belts fucking Defying Gravity like a normal person (because her college theatre group recently put on a production of Wicked where she was Galinda, of fucking course, but of course she has the range for Elphaba as well) and Sorsha starts clapping and cheering like her number one fan, Kit feels like sinking into her seat and becoming the furniture. Kit loves Elora, loves that she's talented, loves to go to karaoke nights with her when she can sneak away. Right now Kit would rather be anywhere else.
She checks her phone and starts to text Jade that she misses her when her mom says her name.
"Your turn, love, your name's on the board," Sorsha says, smiling. She has a plastic smile, not from work or anything, just because she looks soulless as a plastic Barbie when she smiles in a room full of work people.
"I don't want to," Kit says with every pair of eyes on her.
"C'mon, Kit. Don't be a spoil sport and ruin the day." Her smile strains. She has this way of making Kit for guilty for her choices.
Kit groans. "Fine."
Elora pipes up. "We'll do it together." She smiles at Sorsha and winks at Kit. Elora won't leave Kit sinking.
So they sing a duet of Call Me Maybe and Kit has fun, sure, because she's with Elora and they're singing one of their summer songs. But she isn't performing. Not how Sorsha would. When they're finished, Airk wolf-whistles while Kit tries to run back to her seat to finish her text when she's pulled aside.
Sorsha has a hand on Elora's and Kit's wrist. "Well done. Elora, perfect as always. Kit," her tone noticeably drops when she looks at her daughter. Graciously, she keeps her voice low, speaking to just them instead of the whole building like she has a tenancy to sometimes do. "You were pitchy. We need to get you in more singing classes if you ever want-"
"I don't want to sing," Kit says. "I've told you this."
"Yes, well," Sorsha says."You can't always do what you want, dear. That's now how this works."
Kit grits her teeth. Her fists ball up at her side and she can feel her nails pressing into the flesh of her palm.
Then, suddenly, Elora shouts of the name of the next person into the microphone and drags Kit back to her seat. She doesn't sit down, though; she grabs her phone and claims she needs some fresh air.
With shaking hands, Kit phones Jade. It rings through to voicemail and she hangs up, then phones again. If she isn't answering it's because she can't, so Kit just texts her instead:
miss u
do u know when ur flying yet?
Instead of going back inside, Kit phones her dad. He doesn't even get a Hello out before Kit speaks.
"Why is mom the way she is?"
Her dad sighs down the phone. "Bad birthday?"
"The worst."
Then he chuckles. "Your mother is difficult, you know this better than anyone."
"She made me sing karaoke then criticised my voice," Kit says. Then, not wasting time, "When can I move in with you?"
He sighs again and says her name. "You know it isn't as simple as when. You've still got to finish school, and there's always college-" She tries to interrupt but he pointedly talks over her "- which I know you're not keen on right now but you never know. And there's Vivienne Westwood. How's that going?"
"Great. Mom doesn't know so she can't ruin it for me."
"I'm excited for you, you know that, right? I'm excited and I'm proud. You're gonna do great things. Look-" He clears his throat. "I've gotta go, alright. Happy birthday, kid, wish your brother one from me too. I love you."
"Love you." And then he hangs up.
Later, after the party and during a movie Kit stuck on so she wouldn't drive herself insane with waiting, she gets a text back from Jade.
getting on a plane now!! see u soon birthday girl <3 !!!!
oh shit that was meant to send hours ago
just landed
it's late and i'm sleepy can i see u tomorrow?
Kit has no choice but to agree.
iv.
"No, mom, you don't understand-" Kit tries again but to no avail.
"It's ludicrous, Kit!" Sorsha screeches down the phone, the volume in Kit's car far too loud for the conversation being had. She can barely concentrate on the road. "It's basically pornography!"
"Mom!" Kit shouts again. "Would you shut up! It isn't porn, it's a photoshoot for fucking Calvin Klein so of course I'm in my underwear! And-" She continues, because she knows it'll get a kick out of her, "-even if it was porn, there's nothing wrong with sex work! I'm a legal adult! I'm twenty and can do whatever I want with my body!"
"You will not be making porn," Sorsha says with the kind of finality Kit used to be sent to her room with. Thank God she's all the way across the country from her now.
"Good thing I'm not doing porn, then."
"You don't understand the repercussions of this. You're a child. You have your father's naivety and my stubbornness and it looks ugly on you." It feels like a slap across the face.
Jade getting into NYU is the best thing that has happened to them both.
It was a no brainer when Kit had the choice to move with Jade or stay in LA. The modelling scene she's more interested in is in New York, her girlfriend is in New York, her mother is not in New York.
Not physically, anyway, but with the volume of their phone call she might as well be in the car with her right now.
Her and Jade are renting this apartment for now until they decided on the right place for them. Kit thinks she'll surprise Jade with this penthouse she's been eyeing after her dissertation. She knows Jade's been asked if she's thought about carrying on for a PhD, and she knows Jade is considering it. But a win is still a win even if it's a halfway mark, right?
Kit sighs. All she was doing was picking up groceries after dropping Jade at class. It's raining like the heavens opened and she can barely see the fucking road. Maybe she should pull over.
"I don't exactly understand what you want me to do since you only found out about this job because you saw the advert," Kit says. "The pictures are already out there."
"I'll get you a lawyer," Sorsha says, ignorant as ever. "You didn't understand what you were getting into. You were played. I'll-"
"Yes I did!" Kit shouts. "I did understand! It's my life, mom! Just 'cause you got one sketchy Playboy deal when you were my age doesn't mean I'm also stupid enough to let the world see my-" Kit bites her tongue. Sorsha was seventeen, not Kit's twenty years. She was seventeen and still learning English when she got that stupid Playboy offer and Kit knows this. But, like her mom, she knows where it'll hurt the most to hit.
Usually in arguments like this, Kit has Jade to calm her down. Either a phone call away or across the hall. But she's in class and it's important, she has a presentation on gender roles in the past and present across the world (Kit hung on her every word when Jade practised it in their kitchen earlier, she's amazing). Kit can't interrupt her, won't bother her with this.
Maybe she'll go for a run to distract herself from the terrible person she must be, find a crack to purposely step on and forget about it with a scorching shower.
She hears Sorsha take in a sharp breath. "You can see your nipples, Kit. Yes you are."
Kit doesn't see the light turn red. She follows the car in front of her and only when she sees movement in her peripherals does she slam the break.
The cars barely touch. Still, Kit is jolted forward and her forehead collides with the steering wheel. She groans, tells her mother she won't do porn, and hangs up.
v.
Nothing is worse than the fucking airport, Kit is certain. She's seen the inside of them too often recently. She could go another lifetime with never stepping foot in one again with how much she's been in them lately.
Then again, the worst of it might be Jade still adjusting to her new job in LA while they spend some time there. Because Kit is back in New York, alone, needing to return to her house and put on makeup and nice outfit for fucking Vogue to come and ask her questions only for the video to not be released for another God knows how many months. They don't even take that much editing. Whatever. She'll put on a happy face and talk about Jade like everything is fine.
Like her dad isn't maybe dying.
That's not tue. Probably. He's only got a very slim chance of not recovering. The chemo and the treatments should all work perfectly. It's not even a particularly bad cancer. But still.
Her dad has cancer and Kit is in fucking New York on her way to meet with fucking Vogue for a stupid video and Jade can't even be here because she needs to keep her job if she wants to return to her old job at the Natural History Museum once they move back home unlike Kit who's home is a person but her home isn't fucking here-
A camera is flashing in her face. The reporter calls her name. Kit glares behind the sunglasses and keeps walking. God, she needs a bump.
"Hey!" The reporter shouts, tone different, holding the mic away and with his hand over it. "Dyke bitch!"
Kit freezes. Ice runs through her.
"Why the long face?" The reporter snarls behind the protection of the camera. "Smile for the camera!"
Kit doesn't smile. Kit keeps her head down and keeps walking and suddenly feels the same way she did when she and Jade went to that gay bar in her home town during pride and got called all sorts of names and had hopefully just beer thrown at them. Kit folds her hands into right fists and wonders how long she'll continue to get away with this coping method before waxing moons are permantly indented in her hands.
The reporter says her name again, right behind her. Her spine prickles and she feels like prey. She feels fifteen again ridiculed in the locker rooms she feels-
She's terrified of this man and his camera flash sharp teeth.
"Where's your wife, Kit?"
Kit stops and tilts her chin up to face the man. "Why the fuck do you want to know?" She spits, and when she isn't given an automatic response she walks away.
Her taxi is waiting for her, the driver she always has. A woman driver, which Kit feels isn't as common but then again Jade is the one who usually drives her around.
"Hey, hon, how was your flight?" The driver, Drea, asks, with her warm thick accent.
"It was alright."
"No Jade today?"
Kit shakes her head as the car starts moving. "She has work."
"You alright, hon? You sound like you've seen a ghost?" Drea always can pick up on when something is wrong. Countless late night pick ups of girls alone has taught her to read moods well.
Kit turns and looks out the window, wiping her eyes as she does so. She won't cry, not here. "Just some reporter waiting for me," she says, not bothering to lie. There's no point.
Drea bursts into some monologue about women's safety and how young girls like Kit handle this sort of harassment, but Kit doesn't listen. She texts Jade that she misses her and that she'll be home soon, missing out any and all details about the reporter. She doesn't want to worry her.
vi.
(+ i.)
The drugs started, like most things, when she was eighteen. Fashion week, all these shows. A bit of blow to start the day off, keep her going, put some life in her eyes. For a long while, the drugs stayed liked that.
Until they didn't.
Kit has always been at least acutely aware of her drinking. She knows she can handle her liquor the way no small woman below five-foot-five should, and has done enough drinking in her time to know how many will loosen her up so she starts conversations instead of letting conversations happen with her versus how much she'll have to "take the edge off" cough cough. Nowadays, she's more familiar with the latter.
But the drugs?
Look, her career has taken her all over the world. She's been in clubs in London to Berlin to Tokyo to LA. She's been in about every red light district possible. She's walked shows in Paris and Milan and Sydney. Naturally, she's tried a lot of drugs.
Everyone she knows has, sort of. Jade had sorority friends, she's done drugs; Kit knows this for a fact. Same with miss Kappa Alpha Bullshit (said lovingly) Elora. Graydon maybe not. He's smoked before because Kit got him high one summer. But don't get her started of Airk and his brief phase of thinking the only way he could write was when he was on shrooms.
More or less, they all grew up in Hollywood. They've done drugs.
The only thing is, they can all stop. That's where Kit runs into the first hurdle.
Only more recently, Kit likes to think. Before it was for a fun night or to keep her awake through the day. But now... Now with all the flying back and forth for jobs, flying between time zones every week for a single photo or one video. Naturally, like anyone, Kit struggled. So her mornings started with a bump, whatever time her brain felt like it was it didn't matter. Then when it all got too much she'd have a shot of scotch to mellow her out. But eventually she needed something to sleep, too, otherwise she wouldn't sleep. And something to put life into her face. And something to make her not a bitch on set.
In hindsight, she knew it was all too much at the time. She just didn't care. She thought she was being clever, hiding it well. Just another childhood game of hide and seek in a huge house.
No one is coming to find her, though.
That's a lie and she knows it. But in Kit's mind, when it got bad, it was simple: Her dad might be dying, he was leaving her again, and her mom had simply tutted on the phone and said that she'd told him all that smoking would catch up with him one day, and when Kit started to cry at breakfast with everyone her mom had told her to save her tears for someone worth them. It was only a matter of time before her friends and Jade realised they're too good for Kit, why not give them a reason to believe it?
It worked out fantastically that Airk introduced her to Lilli. Yes, she's a great actor and now a good friend. But everyone also knows she has the best contacts, wink wink nudge nudge.
So Kit starts going out more than before, which was already a lot, and in turn she meets more people and takes more photos. Soon enough, everyone is seeing her like that. Coked up and high and fucking disgusting. But... But no one says anything.
No one notices...
Then Lilli posts that damn video.
"Hey, you need to take that down!" Kit shouts into her ear.
"What?" Lilli shouts back.
"The video. I'm in the background." She says. "Please, I need you to- I can't- Jade-"
Lilli is frowning at her phone, then her eyes go wide. "Fuck, Kit-" She exclaims. She takes a wild puff of her fruity vape and slides it into her bra, tapping furiously into her phone. "That was meant for my close friends, shit."
"Why would you even post it?" Kit feels hot everywhere. She feels- She feels embarrassed. Caught.
"It's not a big deal," she shrugs. "Not that many people saw it, it's okay. Hey, are you feeling okay?"
"Have you seen my phone?" Kit shouts over the music to the whole booth. Someone picks it up and holds it out - everything is too blurry for Kit to see who - and when Kit takes it a line still remains. She looks at it and thinks about her dad, thinks about Jade hating her with Sorsha's resentment for Madmartigan. Then, she tips the line into the ice bucket and walks away from Lilli shouting about how much money she just wasted.
Kit struggles to find Jade's contact in her phone as she stumbles through the busy club towards the exit. She gets outside and makes it to the corner of the block, not that she knows how. All she knows is that she's away from the noise and heat and chaos and she's found her J contacts before she remembers Jade is saved as 'My Wife <3' in her phone.
She chews at her nails as she waits for an answer. They're down to skin, have been for a while now.
Finally, Jade says through the phone, "Hey, are you okay-"
"I need you to come get me," Kit says, only now hearing that she's crying.
"Okay," Jade says without hesitation. "Are you hurt?"
"No," Kit says. "I need help."
"I'm on my way," Jade says. "Are you safe right now? Should I call L-"
"No, no. I'm safe. I'm-" Kit looks around and can't read the signpost or anything. "Fuck. I'll send you my location."
She hears Jade sigh. "Okay. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?"
Kit shakes her head before she remembers she needs to speak. "No it's okay. Come quick?"
"I'll be there soon. I love you."
"Love you."
Kit picks at her shoelaces for God knows how long before Jade's car pulls up. By this point she's shivering but she can't decide if she can feel the cold or not. She stands up as Jade opens the door for her.
"What the fuck are you wearing?" She says with a laugh, then. "Kit, you're bleeding. What's happened?"
Kit follows Jade's eyes to her legs, finds a gash down her thigh. Huh. "I don't-"
"Christ, how much did you have?" Jade says. Nothing about Jade is harsh, not really. She has a hard front she puts up but it's all armour she can take off. Jade is a heart and tenderly pours out love any chance she gets. But Kit is Kit, and tonight Kit is catastrophic and destructive and Jade's words surpass her light tone and Kit feels like a punished child. "I- Oh, Kit. I was only joking. Hey, don't cry. Get in the car, come on."
Jade was mad at her the other week, she's probably still upset now. Too many late nights, too many shots. Too much, as always.
"I'm not mad," Jade says, and Kit doesn't know if she can read her mind or if she said it out loud. "Baby, get in the car, please."
Kit does. Slowly, sure. And she thinks someone might have taken a picture, she doesn't know. But eventually she is shivering in the passenger seat of a moving car and everything inside of her is churning while Jade rubs her hand up her thigh. Oh, God, she's just like her dad-
In their living room, Kit feels hollow. Kit feels like that little kid at the top of her stairs listening to her parents shout about drugs and love and work who's fault it was their kids are the way they are. She's also now decided that she's cold, but thankfully she has Jade's jacket around her shoulders.
"What's happened?" Jade asks sitting Kit on the couch and sitting beside her. She takes her hands in hers.
"I need- I think I need help?"
Jade nods. "Is this about rhe video? From Lilli's story?"
Suddenly, Kit feels shot. "You saw it?"
Jade frowns. "Baby, it's all over Twitter-"
"What are they-" saying, she doesn't finish, reaching for her phone. It shakes in her shaking hands and she can't even unlock it, so Jade takes it from her.
"Nothing you're in the right state to see right now," Jade says. Then, "How bad is it?"
Kit huffs. "Could be worse." Which is true. She could be her dad. She could be worse than her dad and younger than him. She could be dead. But her smile doesn't seem to convince Jade.
"Kit," Jade says in a tone asking for her to be serious.
So Kit shrugs. "I don't know." She drops her head to her chest.
Jade sighs and it strikes like a blade through Kit. She's disappointed. She's upset, she's angry, she's-
"Do you think you could try to think about it? Because I need to know if I can go back to sleep tonight or if I need to keep you on your side so you don't choke on your vomit and die," Jade says. "Or if we can go to sleep tonight and talk to your dad in the morning to get some help."
"No-"
"No what?" Jade presses. "No you won't die in your sleep or no you can't wait until the morning?"
"Not dad," she manages to say before a sob rackets through her.
Jade sighs again. "Well who, then? Do you know someone else with the experience to help?" Then, "It's Madmartigan or Sorsha. Your pick."
Kit cries for a moment. "I'm sorry," falls out of her mouth.
"For what, love?"
She hums, finding her words. "For disappointing you-"
"I'm not-"
"And for ruining everything like I always do. For- For being a fuck up and- and ungrateful and for-"
"Stop it, hey. Take a breather before you start hyperventilating," Jade says. Kit follows her breathing the way they do every time she gets herself in a mess like this, usually with less drugs. When she's just sniffling, Jade slips off the sofa and kneels in front of Kit, hands on her knees. "Could you look at me, please?"
Kit doesn't think she can, that's the thing. Jade is light. Jade makes her feel seen and makes everything clear and Kit doesn't know if she can bare herself like that right now. But she tries. She tries and meets the eyes that have stuck by her for ten years. Ten fucking years of Kit's tantrums and meltdowns, all of her bullshit, and never once has Kit doubted their love. Even when they've had to take time away, the love always remained. So Kit looks and she feels seen but she continues to look.
"Thank you, good job," Jade says, knows her all too well. "Listen to me when I tell you I am not disappointed, or angry, or upset with you. I am not anything with you except in love and you know that, I know you do. But I am worried for you, Kit. I don't want to lose you."
"I don't wanna lose you either," Kit says.
"I know, baby," Jade says. "So how bad is it? Are you safe?"
"I-" Kit sucks in a deep breath. "I can't sleep," she says.
Jade nods. "Okay. Okay, that's fine. Thank you for telling me. I'll stay up with you, okay? I'll-"
"No," Kit shakes her head. "No, I mean. I won't be able to sleep. I've been needing stuff to sleep and- and to wake up and stay awake and I just wanted to feel normal again."
Again, Jade nods. "Okay. Okay, well- Well, what time is it now for your dad? Five? Do you want to call him now?"
Kit sniffs and wonders how she got so lucky, remembers Elora's song. She nods, but before Jade can get up, she says, "Can I sit with you for a bit first?"
She's up and beside Kit in seconds, pulling her against her side, that fabulously safe space under her arm. "Of course. However long you need."
Some time later, when they haven't moved and Jade could be asleep but Kit can't see, Kit says "Thank you for always being here. I know I'm a lot."
Jade hums. "Not for me. Perfect amount for me. I love you." And it's the best thing she's digested in a long time.