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It was coming back.
The moment Jay had seen Thomas Quinn’s wounds all he’d been able to think about were Kim’s from the night Roy Walton had shot and left her for dead, the flashes so intense his palms had instantly felt sticky. A phantom but very real reminder of the blood that had clung to him long after he’d finally cleaned his hands, only fading when he knew without a doubt she was going to make it. And of course she had. Kim was one of the strongest people he knew, had been through hell more than once and always came back stronger but his hands still felt sticky.
Because it was coming back for her too.
He’d kept a subtle eye on her the whole case, and Adam who’d been watching just as intently and whose concern confirmed he was right in what he was sensing. It wasn’t anything obvious, Kim knew how to play it cool but he had a lot of experience with PTSD so he knew the signs, not to mention he caught the look on her face when she opened the gun safe and realized her gun wasn’t there. And when he trailed her to the locker room he caught the lingering tremor in her hand as she made to leave, her piece now on her hip. And that tremor, so similar to so many he’d had himself, so many nightmares and flashbacks and random, intense moments of blind panic had him moving for her before he even realized it.
“Hey Kim!”
“Hey, Jay.” She said with a small smile as she turned back, hands sliding into her pockets as she nodded. “Have a good night.”
“You too. Uh-”
“Did you need something?” She asked when he paused, any nerves switching to confusion when he didn’t immediately answer.
He didn’t actually know what to say, probably should have thought of that before he’d called after her but he’d just followed the urge to speak.
So he did the same now.
“You did good work today.”
For a second she just blinked but then she relaxed, her smile now the genuine one he was used to. “Oh. Thanks. It’s a team effort, you know that.”
“Yeah. I know. Just…this case…” And there went her guard back up but he was pretty sure he knew how to get her to lower it. “I’ve been thinking about Dunn, the marine.”
Sure enough she relaxed again, now giving him a concerned look. The younger woman was also the most empathetic of their unit, at least outwardly, a quality he’d always quietly admired in her. He’d always been bad at that, giving praise and compliments, he got it from his dad but with how much he’d been keeping to himself lately…
Jay was tired of being quiet.
“I know what he went through overseas and I just… I hate that he had to go through it here too. You know there’s still… there’s still stuff that pops up for me, even now, even when I think I’ve dealt with it.” Kim nodded in understanding but he swore he saw her fists clench so he kept going, this time giving her his own soft look- they’d never been close but he’d always respected her, and he was pretty sure that went both ways. “I hate that. Feeling like I’m never going to be over it but… it’s normal. And I think, if it didn’t come back up, that would be the problem.”
Again for a second she just stared but then her face slowly hardened and she straightened, not with anger per se but a very firm resolution. “Why are you saying this Jay?”
He should’ve known she wouldn’t let him get away with dancing around it.
“Because there’s no shame in it. Or there shouldn’t be. The only thing… The only thing I’m ashamed of is how long it took me to let other people help.”
That got her to pause and Jay made himself hold still as she looked him over, weighing their discomfort with this conversation against the fact that he’d initiated it; she knew he wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, especially his time in the military and that he had seemed to strike a chord with her. She didn’t say anything else but there was a warm appreciation in her eyes when she dipped her chin and with a breath of relief he returned it, unable to help looking back as they both walked away.
It was something.
But it wasn’t enough.
It might be for her, she had Adam and Kevin to help if this kept tugging at her and she wasn’t the kind of person who would bury it the way he had but… His hands still felt sticky. And why shouldn’t they?
So long as he was keeping the secret of what had happened to Roy from her they still had blood on them.
Her blood.
It was so sticky.
Like the boiled tree bark the Taliban had used to arm IEDs except the burnt pine smell was traded for the bitter tang of copper. But it could also be slick, especially when it was fresh, and when there was a lot of it. He could still remember how hard it had been to hold onto the knife, only his deep-seated training keeping it in his grasp.
His life over the man trying to kill him.
Benjamin Watt.
By all accounts not a good guy, a meth dealer, a robber, a murderer- and a civilian. It would be so much easier to make peace with killing him if he hadn’t been a civilian. If Jay had been acting as a police officer instead of some kind of vigilante. That wasn’t what he’d intended, he hadn’t gone to that warehouse to hurt him, to hurt anyone, a small comfort but one he clung to, the only difference he could find between what he’d done and what Voight and Hailey had. And just like he had they’d covered for him.
And he’d let them.
He almost hadn’t, he’d sat outside Chief O’Neal’s office for an hour planning to tell him the truth, to turn in his badge and take the punishment he deserved; he’d been planning on leaving, had even reached out to Lenny’s friend Nolan to get information on their taskforce and see if they needed any more men but in the end he hadn’t been able to do either. He’d wanted to, so damn badly it hurt. This hurt, this job, all these lines that were blurring. Jay knew there were times it was right to cross them, knew there were ways to cross them that were right but it was all so subjective. His right wasn’t always the same as Voights, or Hailey’s and all he’d wanted was to run back to what he knew he could handle. But he couldn’t keep doing that.
It was time to make a stand.
He glanced around the bullpen as everyone made to leave, returning Kim’s smile with a nod as she walked out with Adam, his heart clenching as he watched them go. He couldn’t scrub off Watt’s blood, that was his for life but Kim’s… he could still see how pale she’d been when he and Kevin had found her, could still feel how limp she’d been in his arms, barely but adamantly clinging to life. He may not have been a part of killing Roy but he’d covered it up so her blood was going to stay on his hands too. But he could clean hers.
He could give her some peace.
He would.
“Hey- you ready to go?”
He came out of his head to see Hailey standing by his desk, the same cautious look in her eyes she’d had for weeks. The same one he had. Things had been off between them for a while, since Anna, since Roy, something neither knew how to fix and something it felt like they were only half trying to. It didn’t help she’d been obsessed with Sean O’Neal for the last few months, understandably because finding out the Chief’s son was running a sex trafficking ring had thrown all of them. And thrown a few more hurdles into their relationship when the righteousness she had about him and Voight crossing lines hadn’t applied to her but they’d made it through.
The Chief hadn’t. He’d died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound that he’d meant to take out him and his son but Jay and Voight had saved Sean, something he didn’t know if Hailey forgave him for. But it was done now. There were no more cases, no more distractions.
No more excuses.
“Jay?”
“No. I’m not.”
He motioned for her to follow him into Voight’s office, their Sergeant raising his brows when he shut the door behind them. “What’s going on?”
“It’s time to tell the truth about Roy.”
For a moment they both just stared like they couldn’t make sense of what he’d said but it didn’t last long.
“What are you talking about?”
“Jay-”
“Miller is gone, North is dealt with, we got no reason to keep it a secret anymore.”
“And we got no reason to bring it up.” Voight said firmly, Hailey likewise looking resolved. “Jay, I know you’ve had a lot going on but this is done-”
“Not for Kim. You really think she’s past being shot and left for dead? You think she’s past bleeding out, alone, for over twelve hours, past dragging herself forty feet to try and save herself? You think the Quinn case didn’t bring all of that back up for her??”
“Jay-”
“Kim is strong.” Voight might’ve cut Hailey off but it was clear that while both of them felt remorseful…
Neither of them felt responsible.
And that wasn’t okay.
“She will be fine-”
“She will because we’re going to help her.”
“Jay-”
“I’m not asking.”
Their confusion quickly turned to shock and he had to take a second to clear his throat and take a breath, looking each of them over before he directed his attention back to Voight.
“You told me this unit was going to be mine someday. And this is not how I am going to run it. So either you two say something, or I will.”
They weren’t happy about it, he and Hailey had fought as soon as they’d gotten home and for the first time ever he’d slept on the couch but Jay wasn’t budging. Kim deserved the truth and so did Adam, and Kevin and Dante… this was going to be really awkward for him which was why he was in the locker room to give him a heads up.
“Hey, Kev said Voight wants everyone in the bullpen right away?” The younger man asked when he found him, furrowing his brow when he held out his hand but pausing.
“Yeah. Listen… some stuff is going to come out. It’s got nothing to do with you, but it’s not going to be pretty. So just… just keep your head down, okay?”
Dante nodded cautiously but there was trust in his eyes as he followed him out, more than Jay thought he had earned. Definitely more than he deserved but after this…
After this they could all start fresh.
No more secrets.
They were the last to enter the bullpen and it didn’t take the others long to realize something was wrong, something he, Hailey and Voight were privy to that they were not. That wasn’t new for anyone, but that was the problem.
“What’s going on boss?” Adam asked and though it was slight he caught the way Hailey straightened when he spoke and felt his own back tighten. “Platt said we’re all in house today?”
She was up here too but she stayed quiet and Jay realized he didn’t know what she knew, but given her relationship with the officers he doubted she would have lied to them.
Which meant she wasn’t going to be happy to learn they had.
“We are.” Voight said quietly, his stare not just heavy but old as he looked them all over, nodding to himself before he took a deep breath. “You all know how I operate, or you’re learning. I do what I have to do to protect this city, to protect you. Sometimes I’m right. Sometimes I’m wrong.”
Everyone stayed quiet but they took turns glancing at each other and Jay made sure to meet each of their stares, holding Kim’s the longest, with the most regret, which she noted, understanding already starting to dawn in her eyes as she turned back to their Sergeant.
“I’ve been keeping something from some of you. Not because I thought you couldn’t take it but because I didn’t want you to have to carry it. But I was wrong.”
He looked at Jay and nodded again, this time with pride which would probably feel better tomorrow.
“Roy Walton is dead.”
“What?”
“Since when??”
As he’d told him to Dante stayed quiet, as did Trudy but Kevin and Adam had no such reservations and Kim… she was silent too but unlike the others her eyes were on him, a horrible mix of shock and betrayal.
And a hint of gratitude that hurt more than anything.
“When did this happen??” Adam demanded again, one hand automatically finding Kim as he stood though his stare was fixed on his Sergeant.
But not for long.
“The night he took her.” Hailey said quietly, the look she gave the couple breaking his heart. “I shot him.”
That made Kim’s betrayal grow and he hated the way Hailey’s face crumpled in response; he didn’t want to hurt her, he knew how much keeping this secret had nearly killed her but that was why it needed to come out.
They couldn’t keep doing this.
Not any of them.
Not ever again.
“This is on me, not Hailey.” Voight said firmly, drawing everyone’s attention back to him. “I’m the one who took Roy- she told me to bring him in. But he grabbed my gun. She saved-”
“When?” Adam demanded again, ignoring the soft way Trudy said his name and how Kim squeezed his arm in an attempt to calm him, both of which Jay disagreed with.
He had every right to yell at them.
“After you went to be with Makayla-”
“When did you tell him to stop?” Adam said harshly, his voice so full of a desperate rage it took Jay a second to understand what he was asking. “When?”
And then to wonder himself.
Voight took a step forward, shooting a brief look at him and Kevin who then shared one with each other, his friend just as angry but like Kim grateful he’d brought this to light. “That doesn’t matter-”
“The hell it doesn’t! Did you tell him to stop before or after they found her?!”
“Adam-”
“Before.”
Everyone froze at Hailey’s quiet answer but no one more than him.
He hadn’t known that.
He hadn’t asked, hadn’t wanted to know anything more about that night than he had to, than he needed to make sense of it which he’d barely been able to do. He’d known Hailey had a darkness in her, everyone did he just… he hadn’t realized just how similar she was to Voight. He hadn’t wanted to.
I don’t think you know the woman you’re sleeping next to.
“You promised me.” Adam said again, practically vibrating with anger as he stared Hailey down, who of course took it. “You promised you would do whatever you had to! And you! When the hell did you find out about this??”
At last he rounded on Jay and while he knew it probably wasn’t healthy how happy he was about that he also knew he deserved it. “After the Larkin case.”
Everyone sucked in a breath but before Adam could yell again Kim grabbed his arm, tight enough and with a desperate enough look that he put his attention on her. And his back to the rest of them.
“The feds found out. North.” Trudy stated quietly, shaking her head when Voight nodded.
“What happened to him?”
The whole room stilled when Kim spoke but she only looked at him, with that terrible mix of betrayal and gratitude that made him want to be sick.
“His brother was an addict. I went under and got him to confess to all the times he’d gotten him off. We used that to get him to back off.”
“And their case? What do they think happened to Roy?”
“We gave them leads to five other traffickers he’d been known to work with. In the course of their investigations two of them were taken into custody, the others killed. They pinned Roy’s death on one of them.” He said hoarsely, noticing Hailey and Voight’s surprise but keeping his eyes on Kim.
He hadn’t been able to let it go until he knew they were really safe.
Not even then.
There was still a lot of anger in the room, a lot of pain, so much he could taste it, like copper, but he swallowed it down and held Kim’s stare. Everyone looked at her, understanding that as angry as they might be it was her who decided what happened next.
Her blood, her call.
Her normally warm brown gaze was hard when she looked at Voight and cold when she looked at Hailey, both emotions that softened when she looked at him, that strength he knew her for shining through when she dipped her chin.
“Thank you.”
“I should have said something sooner.”
“That we agree on.” Adam said roughly but he too looked at him with appreciation, a bit more wary but it was there.
The same with Kevin and Platt, trust and respect bright in Dante’s eyes, pride filling Voight’s and Hailey’s, all of them both soothing and stinging.
But still his hands sticky.
“Well.” Trudy said slowly, her usual dry drawl helping to break the tension. “If that’s all the secrets we have for today-”
“I killed Watt.”
Voight and Hailey whipped their heads towards him while everyone else startled but Jay only saw them distantly- all he could focus on was that tacky feeling between his fingers.
“There was no rip, no unidentified suspect- it was me. I found out Lenny was involved in the robbery, he was desperate for cash so he agreed to be the lookout but he couldn’t go through with it and I didn’t want his wife to lose his pension so I worked it off-books. I went in the warehouse alone and killed Watt when he came at me.”
The silence that filled the room wasn’t quite as deafening as when Voight had told them Roy was dead but it was still damn loud, and his hands still felt fucking sticky, until a soft voice called his attention to a pair of warm brown eyes.
“It’s normal.” Kim said quietly, he swore a hint of a smile on her lips. “For us to get invested. To cross lines. For it to pop back up again. There’s only shame in secrets.”
Jay nodded slowly, giving her a hesitant but soft smile back as his tension eased. No more secrets, no more shame.
And no more stickiness.