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A Room Full of Dead People - Nie Huaisang Edition

Summary:

So, this is basically a What-if of A Room Full of Dead People, sprouted by a comment by Shadowgal under How Nie Huaisang Learned to Never Skip a Conference.

What if Nie Huaisang didn't skip the afternoon of the Conference?

I advise you to read A Room Full of Dead People first

Notes:

As I wrote in the summary this is the result of this comment left by Shadowgal under How Nie Huaisang Learned to Never Skip a Conference: "So my brain wants an AU to be created where Huaisang did not skip. The entire time the future ones are in the past, they have an eye on Huaisang. Mingjue calls them out on giving the evil eye to his brother. At which point they say something along the line of: to avoid a true demon keep Mingjue alive; or, everyone thought I (Wie Ying) was a demon, I had nothing on Huaisang, etc."

I tried my best to keep it as close to it as possible, but I diverged quite a bit from it. I'm sorry, I hope you'll like it anyway.

Also, thank you very much for the prompt, I had lots of fun writing this. I'm very sorry about the wait, inspiration came and went like it had a mind of its own, so it took me some time to finish.

Since this is a sort of AU of A Room Full of Dead People, I took some parts from it. Like, entire senteces or dialogues are copied and pasted, still this happens only when and if the narrative works, this is Nie Huaisang POV so I had to adjust it to fit.

AS ALWAYS, NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER. If you catch any kind of mistake, feel free to comment and tell me.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

 

 

 

Nie Huaisang was bored. Very bored; not that he was alone in this, he could see Wei Wuxian was nearly asleep in his seat. He really couldn't blame him. Damn dage and his insistence that he did not skip. As if anything of this was useful to Huaisang, it was just boring, political talk he had no say into. Which also meant he had no interest in it. It wasn't even worth listening to it to find some juicy information to use – totally not for blackmail – because: boring, political talk with zero interesting juicy details. He raised his fan to cover his face as he fought to repress a yawn when a sudden light nearly blinded him.

 

The light receded, leaving two people dressed in Gusu Lan robes behind. Now, that was interesting.

 

One was weirdly bent over but quickly straighten up. He was slightly taller than the other, his hairdo indicating his high rank. He was as handsome as his cloud patterned forehead ribbon would suggest, robes a lovely shade of light blue, jade token dangling from the belt. In his right hand was a talisman. The other was slightly shorter and slimmer, but no less beautiful. Lans and their peerless beauty, Huaisang was kind of mad, who gave them permission to be so ethereal looking. His hair was up and fixed with a silver ornament decorated with small blue gems, something that Huaisang never thought a Lan would wear. His robes were the same he saw Lan Xichen wear often and, curiously, he had a Yunmeng Jiang clarity bell right next to his Gusu Lan token. What surprised Huaisang the most though was his forehead ribbon. While the cloud pattern in the taller's forehead ribbon was peculiar, there were enough members of the Lan Clan that it wasn't weird seeing one, the other's, however, was mind bending. Glimmering in the light of the room, right in the middle of his forehead was a cloud shaped peace of metal that continued into a cloud patterned white ribbon. Huaisang might be totally uninterested in most things taught in Cloud Recesses, but Mingjue's friendship with Lan Xichen meant he spent his fair share of time in the Jades' company growing up, so he was well versed in the different types of ribbons and their meaning. And, well, he had seen that particular forehead ribbon only on three people before: Lan Qiren, Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji. A metal cloud was only wearable by a direct descendant of the main family, which meant that this disciple was just that, which should also be quite impossible. Huaisang would never miss something as big as a fourth member of the Lan Main Family. The only plausible option was impersonation, not a thing Sects took lightly. If the two didn't start to justify themselves soon, they would have some of the best Cultivators alive at their throats. Luckily for their two guests, said Cultivators were shocked enough that their reaction times slowed down for the fraction of time it took for them to realise that they were, in fact, in the middle of a sticky situation. The confusion apparent on the strangers face was a clear sign that they weren't as much of threat as they could have been.

 

 

“Ehm, Sizhui” the taller said, his voice hesitant but smooth and easily audible even at the very back of the room. His companion made an extremely familiar non verbal sound. The unnamed one continued:

“We aren't dead, are we?” at the words Sizhui searched for signs of life from both of them, an useless action that told a lot about his surprise.

“No, we are very much alive, Jingyi” Sizhui answered, volume moderated but still audible. After hearing them speak most people relaxed their postures. But then Jingyi continued.

“Then why are we staring at a room full of dead people?” that caused said room full of dead people to freeze in their seats.

“I have no idea” was Sizhui answer that kind of confirmed the dead status of the room.

“Hanguang-jun is going to kill us” Jingyi said, a speck of fear passing over his eyes. Another name added to the list, Huaisang decided then and there that he will squeeze every bit on information he cold from the two. Nobody gets a title like that without an interesting story behind it.

“Strangely that's not who I am worried about” the fear in Jingyi's eyes only grew.

 

 

Jingyi looked around as he listened to the other's order and locked eyes with Nie Huaisang's brother. His own eyes went wide and unbelieving, which, if Huaisang had to be honest, was not such a rare response. What was not normal was the following reaction. Jingyi snapped his head towards Sizhui, mouth opening and closing a few times before he could find his voice. And when he finally did was to say something very, very surprising.

 

“Sizhui. Sizhui, that's Nie Mingjue. That Nie Mingjue! The same Nie Mingjue that's been fucking dead for twenty fucking years!” he just about screamed, right in his fellow disciple's face. Huaisang chocked, completely missing Jingyi's colourful (and prohibited) vocabulary over his horror at the news of his brother's supposed death. He nearly also missed Sizhui's reaction, which was so mild it spoke by itself about how normal a behaviour this seemed to be for the loud Lan.

“Yes, Jingyi. That Nie Mingjue is the only Nie Mingjue we know”

The collective reaction of the room was utter confusion, but the intruders conversation went on too quickly for anyone to stop them.


“Wait...” Jingyi paused for long enough that everyone's attention focused on him. He was now staring at the Jiang Section with the same look of incredulity he had when looking at dage “That's Jiang Fengmian. And the entire Jiang sect. Or well, a lot of Jiang Sect. Not that it matter when literally every single one of them has been dead for even longer that Nie Mingjue. Holy shit” he stopped speaking in order to breath again, before shifting his gaze toward the portion of the hall reserved for the Jin Sect. Still too fast that people barely had time to stop him, let alone process his words, he continued.


“There is Jin Guangshit” (at that Huaisang had to suppress a snicker, especially given the expression of the person in question) “although I'm pretty sure people rejoiced when he died, festive wine and fireworks style. Not really surprising, he was an asshole inside out. So, since that's Jin Guangshit the one beside him with the pinched expression must be the Peacock. Well, I can definitely see the family resemblance”

“Yes, Jingyi. Those are Jin Guangshan and Jin Zixuan. And I distinctly remember telling you not to call him Peacock” he didn't tell Jingyi not to call Jin Guangshit as such, a detail that was caught by everyone.

“Xian-gege does” was the only answer, totally and utterly devoid of repentance.

“That does not mean you should also call him that. A-Niang calls a lot people names he shouldn't. Also, if you could, please, stop calling Jin Guangshan Jin Guangshit to his face, it would be marvellous”

“Sizhui, you resent that man enough to allow me to call him whatever I want whenever I want” apparently the surprises kept coming, hurray (Huaisang hoped that sounded sarcastic enough).

“I don't” Sizhui said dryly “Resentment is considered excessive emotions and, as thus, is against the Rules” he had adopted a stern expression and matched it with the equivalent body language. It reminded Huaisang of a tiny Lan Qiren, and wasn't that thought scary.

“That is a big bold lie, Lan Sizhui. You resent way more people that both you and others think”

“Oh, really, who?” the question was posed in challenge, like he was daring Jingyi to actually answer. The other levelled him with a look that screamed defiance and did just that:

“The entire Jin Clan, save for Jin Ling, even if I'm not entirely sure you've 100% forgiven him for stabbing Xian-gege; Xue Yang, the Wen Main Clan and their followers, Yu Ziyuan. Oh, and Nie Huaisang” he quickly listed off a, quite frankly, long number of people for one who was supposed to not resent at all. Wait... Nie Huaisang?!

“I don't resent Nie Huaisang! He's the reason A-Niang is back and A-Die has finally stopped mourning!” Sizhui exclaimed, indignant.

“You didn't speak to him for two years, Sizhui. And I mean, straight up ignored his existence” Jingyi spoke with a tone even dryer than the one previously used by Sizhui. A moment of silence followed, before Sizhui relented.

“Fine. I don't actually resent him, I'm just a little angry. His actions hurt Bobo. Yes, Jin Guangyao was a bastard who deserved to die ten times over for what he did and Nie Huaisang's plan worked as planned but it hurt way too many people, like the collateral was huge. A-Niang, A-Die, Bobo, even Jiujiu and Jin Ling to some extent, all suffered and a lot of innocent people died”

“I guess that's true” Jingyi conceded, immediately adding “he really could have skipped all the forcing Zewu-jun to kill his sworn brother he still very much loved no matter what happened seconds before thing. Very shitty move to pull”

“Happy we solved that. Also, Jingyi, just because I, in fact, resent Jin Guangshan you shouldn't call him Jin Guangshit to his face” Sizhui sounded like he knew from the start that it was a losing battle, but his morals still made him try.

“Why? It's not like I'm getting punished for it. Hanguang-jun is not here, and even if he were, I'm pretty sure he hates his guts just as much as we do, if not more” Jingyi's answer kind of explained Sizhui's look.

“He does. He's number two on his list of People I wish would burn forever in a hell of fiery suns
Jingyi didn't bat an eye at the surprising bout of information he was given, although he made a strange expression that smoothed out as he spoke:

“Now I'm kind of afraid to ask who's number one”

“Jin Guangyao”

(who the fuck was this Jin Guangyao person was the real question, Huaisang had the growing suspicion that one Sect Leader and his promiscuity were involved).

“Valid” Jingyi nodded gravely, like Sizhui just proclaimed the wisest words ever “I'm involved now, I need to know just how many people are in that list”

“Multiple, but in the top five are Wen Chao and Xue Yang tied for number three, Jin Zixun as number four” he paused long enough for Jingyi to press him to continue.

“Who's number five?”

“Jiujiu” Sizhui said after a moment of hesitation.

“Why is Sect Leader Jiang there? I thought they patched things up” Jingyi made a confused sound (I feel you, Jingyi, I feel you, was the collective thought of every single person inside the room).

“If by patched up you mean being civil when A-Niang is within line of sight or hearing, then yes they did. But then again, they never really liked each other even before” the way he stressed the word before signalled that there was a huge story behind it.

“I guess that's true. I can't see them getting along now that I think about it. Changing topic, I'm surprised Wen Ruohan is not there”

“That list is for people he personally met and/or got to know. Wen Ruohan is at number two in People I wish would reincarnate as a goat with their cognition intact and then slaughtered with no mercy” whoever Hanguang-jun was, he was savage, Huaisang needed to have a talk with him.

“...” Jingyi paused for a long while, before asking “Who's number one?”

“Yu Ziyuan”

“Understandable”

“Yeah, A-Die hates her. Pretty sure that if they had met before her death she wouldn't have seen the light of another day” that was a bold statement, but the look in Sizhui's eyes told everyone that he genuinely believed what he was saying.

“Are you telling me sixteen years old Hanguang-jun was strong enough to kill the Violet Spider?” Jingyi sounded way less sceptic that he should have been when posing that type of question, but he still seemed uncertain.

“That is a question whose answer I'm not willing to think about. A-Die is probably the most powerful traditional cultivator currently alive, it's not such an unthinkable thing that he was abnormally powerful even before. Especially over things regarding A-Niang”

“True... Hanguang-jun is terrifying”

 

The conversation lulled to a stop and finally, finally, the two remembered where they were. They turned to look at them, a strange look in their eyes. At this point Lan Qiren decided an explanation was to be given.

“Who are you?” he asked, voice hard (Huaisang shivered, Grandmaster Lan always used that voice before pronouncing whatever punishments his victims were subjugated to). Both Sizhui and Jingyi startled at the sound.

“Da... I mean Grandmaster Lan” Sizhui all but yelped. Jingyi smiled, a mischievous little thing Huaisang would have missed had he not been looking, at Sizhui's apparent mishap then he bowed in Lan Qiren's direction.

“My name is Lan Jingyi, Senior Disciple of Gusu Lan and First Apprentice of Head Healer Lan Yumin” Lan Qiren's eyebrows (and Huaisang's fan) rose incredibly high after that. He turned to Sizhui.

“My name is Lan Sizhui, Head Disciple and Current Heir of Gusu Lan” at Sizhui introduction the Lan Sect, save for the Twin Jades who paled considerably (or well, Lan Xichen paled considerably, Nie Huaisang had long given up trying to understand what Lan Wangji's face did), turned a funny shade of red. Mindful of his Uncle's... indisposition, Lan Xichen graciously spoke in his stead.

“That's impossible” he used the gentle tone he always adopted when he didn't quite believe Huaisang (or Mingjue), but was too polite to say it. Lan Sizhui rose from his perfect bow and quirked an eyebrow up in a very unlike Lan manner. Huaisang's desire to know spiked at the gesture, something about it was bugging his mind.

“I know it sounds impossible but one of our most important rules is Do not lie. I would never lie about anything, especially something so significant” Sizhui's voice didn't waver, strong and fierce while still remaining courteous.

 

“This is clearly not working. Why you are not working?” Jingyi spoke loudly, as if he was unable to lower the volume of his voice under a certain level. He was staring at the talisman in his hand like it once held all the answers in the world and had just betrayed him. Sizhui turned to look at him, also staring hard at the spent talisman. Which was still intact, for some reason that Nie Huaisang had no knowledge to discern.

“Do you think he actually found a way to travel to the Dead Realm?” the little crumbles the two unconsciously gave them were starting to piss Huaisang off. Who the hell were this people and who the hell were the ones who they kept mention.

“No, I don't think so. Some of them are still alive so, unless they all died in the last twenty minutes I doubt it”

“So why are we still here? I don't need the whole cultivation world from twenty years ago to stare at me like I have gone crazy” Jingyi whined. At that Sizhui froze and, eyes locked on Lan Wangji, blindly found Jingyi's arm to shake.

“Jingyi! Look! Look at them!”

“What?! I am looking. I don't think I can forget what I saw”

“NO! Look at them. Don't you see something wrong, apart from the fact that people who are dead are very much alive?” Jingyi rolled his eyes, but did what Sizhui said. Jingyi must have seen what Sizhui wanted him to see because he yelled:

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Sizhui did not react in any way other than nodding.

 

“Jingyi, maybe make an effort to not kill half of the Sect, please” Sizhui said, sounding very resigned.

“Sorry” Jingyi apologized with not a hint of regret in his voice. Sizhui sharply inhaled from his nose.

“May I ask where we are and how old are you, Bo- I mean Lan-gongzi” he turned to Lan Xichen half a second before asking the question; in the light of the previous events nobody, not even Huaisang, registered his abrupt change of address. Lan Xichen looked at them with wide eyes, most likely still reeling from the revelation that there was another Lan Sect Heir (!) apart from his brother.

“At this year Conference in Qinghe. And I am currently eighteen” he answered. Hearing that Jingyi stared at the talisman then went back to stare at Lan Xichen, he did it for a few times before starting to laugh a little hysterically.

“Well, we are completely and utterly fu...” Sizhui's hand went up as fast as lighting to cover Jingyi's mouth before he finished the sentence and sent half of Gusu into an early grave, again. Not removing his hand he smiled at Lan Xichen, tight and nervous. Nie Huaisang was beginning to feel terribly confused and he did not like to be terribly confused, not in the slightest (not that the conversation the two had before didn't confuse the hell out of him, but at least then it was actually funny).

“Then it explains what is wrong here” Sizhui stopped there, leaving his sentence not quite unfinished, but not totally complete either.

“So, what's wrong?” the sharp, impolite question came from Jin Guangshan in an equally impolite tone, gods did Nie Huaisang hate him. Sizhui's head turned around to look at him while releasing Jingyi's mouth, but before answering his gaze went back to the Gusu Lan Section. Not such strange an action, considering they were indeed Gusu Lan Cultivators.

“We came from the future. I believe the time we just left is, as Jingyi said before, more or less twenty-five years from now”

“That should not be possible. How did you manage that?” dage asked, his voice adopting the timber it always did when he found something interesting but puzzling at the same time.

“We believe the talisman that I accidentally activated is the reason we are here” Jingyi said while waving around the talisman in question.

“And were did you find such a talisman?” the greed in Jin Guangshan's voice was clearly palpable and both Sizhui and Jingyi stared at him with an unreadable expression. They did not answer and the expressions they wore were blank enough to be a little creepy, Huaisang had no problems in admitting that. They only broke the eye contact when Sect Leader Jiang asked the same thing. They turned to him, the scarily dead gaze nowhere to be seen.

“My A-Niang invented that. I believe is one of his newest ones since it was on top of the others” Sizhui answered with a proud smile, from his earlier exchange it was clear that whoever this A-Niang was Sizhui loved her very much.

“How does one accidentally activate a talisman?” Jiang Cheng asked, mirroring Huaisang's own thoughts. At that Jingyi blushed bright red.

“Jingyi tripped and then fall down into the table” Sizhui wore a sardonic smile that was as familiar as the eyebrow raise, now if Huaisang's brain had the decency to remember where it saw it before, it would be fantastic. Jingyi spluttered, still red.

“It's not my fault that room is the messiest one I ever seen. How does he find anything in that chaos? I can't believe Hanguang-jun didn't make him clean after himself” Jingyi vehemently defended himself. Sizhui laughed behind his hand, very clearly amused by his friend's distaste.

“A-Die stopped asking A-Niang after he purposely left the room even messier than before. He said to at least store away the more dangerous inventions. But I believe it is that messy because A-Niang will forget he was even doing something if he can't see it”

 

“Sizhui, isn't it?” Lan Qiren called him. He was still standing in between his sitting nephews, a strange calculating expression on his face, like he was trying to solve a particularly difficult riddle.

“Yes” .

“You are my grand nephew, aren't you?”

“Yes” Sizhui gave him a quizzical look, like he could not comprehend why he had to ask in first place. Especially given the onslaught of information that they accidentally divulged in their hysterical panic, something that they had to have realised by now. Huaisang remembered the core of it, just not the individual terms the two had used to refer to each person nominated, a pity, truly.

“So, are you Xichen's or Wangji's son?” said aforementioned nephews both choked on their saliva staring up at their uncle with flabbergast surprise. From their expression it was obvious that they, like Huaisang, had no recollection of the details of the what was said earlier.

“Ehm, I probably should answer something along the lines of : I don't know what will happen to me if I answer that question. But I'm pretty sure I slipped that information... somewhere. Still, if you're asking me that it either means you didn't catch it, for some reasons, or that you want me to confirm something you already know. In that case, I'm really sorry, but I prefer not to say it, in case me saying that to my actual parent could lead to unforeseen consequences”

 

Before anyone could add anything else, Jingyi caught Sizhui's attention by mentioning the possibility of someone noticing their absence. To which Sizhui replied with the very trustful and very positive prospect of his parents coming to get them. Well, Huaisang very much wanted them to, he had few suspicions about the identity of said parents and he needed to know whether he was right or not.

 

“What do you mean they will come to get you?” this time it was Lan Xichen's turn to voice everyone else's thoughts.

“We actually have no idea on how to go back, I think the only one who can do that is A-Niang, so we have to wait for them to find us”

“Which means not moving from here” with that Jingyi all but fell on the floor. Sizhui followed him with more grace and elegance, sitting like a proper Lan Disciple.

“So we are just going to wait until two random cultivators come pick you up?” Jin Guangshan sneered, cup near his mouth. It did nothing to hide his displeasure, Huaisang knew that he hated when his power was put in discussion, even when he was a frankly disgusting piece of shit that didn't deserve said power. Maybe, especially then. Neither Sizhui nor Jingyi seemed inclined to give him a shred of respect, which must have hurt his ridiculously huge ego like few things could.

“I will refrain from insulting two of the most powerful cultivators of our time, Sect Leader Jin Guangshan. While A-Die has the control to ignore every insult you can throw his way, he will make you pay if you dare to even graze A-Niang. And A-Niang is extremely protective of his family, if you touch anyone he cares about he will attack to kill not to subdue” there was a strange glint in Sizhui's eyes, like he was saying that in his parents' absence he will not hesitate to enact the fruits of their teachings.

“And I said that we don't have to move from this room, I very distinctly remember that I never pronounced a word about your actions” Jingyi added, not even looking at him. Sect Leader Jin huffed and puffed, probably offended till next century. Huaisang felt smugness creep from his every pore, that teach the sleazebag some.

“Is this how Gusu Lan would educate its disciples in the future?” he spit out at last. Neither Sizhui nor Jingyi took the bait; good boys, they were clearly used to such horrendous behaviour (unbeknownst to Nie Huaisang, they were. Sect Leader Yao, and occasionally Sect Leader Ouyang, provided an excellent training regarding this matter).

“Nah, this is me. Sizhui is the result of what happen when ice and fire raise a baby, truly his parents' son. They must be so proud” Jingyi said.

“Jingyi”

“What?”

Sizhui just shook his head.

 

“You know, Jin Ling will kill us when we go back” Jingyi abruptly said. Huaisang startled at the sudden change of topic, what now?

“He won't if we describe in great detail how he resemble his father when he is surprised” was Sizhui's answer, which was clearly meant to be only for Jingyi to hear if not for the fact that he was speaking in a room full of top cultivators. Huaisang had to strain his hearing to actually listen, but everything for gossip and interesting bits of information he could use (totally not for blackmail)

“I thought he already knew that”

“He loves when people speak about his parents even if he says otherwise, don't worry he will appreciate the comparison”

“Even if he kinds of resemble a startled baby deer? Because I'm pretty sure he will send Fairy after everyone who dares to say that”

“Yeah, maybe try not to say he resembles a cute animal. Sometimes your self-preservation instincts are severely lacking, Jingyi” Huaisang had to agree with that statement.

 

 

“There is still something I'd like to know” dage thundered over the sound of the chatter that was increasing in volume. His tone implied that it was a demand more than a polite request, but the two alleged time travellers did not give any indication of feeling intimidated (they were not. They had seen the man dead, chopped up and resentful enough that he killed and killed and killed; now that he was alive and his energy was contained by his willpower his threatening aura had also diminished a lot. Not that Huaisang knew that).

“What did Huaisang do to be resented by you?”

“For the last time, I do not resent Nie Huaisang!” was the first thing that Sizhui said. Jingyi laughed before patting his companion's leg.

“I don't think that was what he meant” he said. Sizhui gave him a withering glare that did nothing to smother the other's laugh. He murmured something inaudible, then he glanced at Huaisang.

Even with the earlier reassurance that Lan Sizhui did not in fact resent him and/or hate his guts, the hard stare was unsettling. Very much so, especially on a face that kind. Huaisang wasn't the type to be easily intimidated, no matter the appearance. You don't grow up with Nie Mingjue and don't develop an immunity to death glares. Still, the now twin looks the two Gusu Disciples were sending him were unsettling; probably because he wasn't privy to the reason and that put him in disadvantage. Usually, he knew well why he was given the stink eye and always had the means to get out of whatever he got into. Feeling uncomfortable, he shifted in his seat, fan raised to cover as much of his face as he could without going over his eyes. Sizhui averted his own eyes to look at his brother.

 

“Well, I'll try to keep it as short and generic as possible. He elaborated an evil plan to avenge someone dear to him like a true scheming mastermind that involved” at this point he started to count with his hand, as if keeping track of all the things he did in this phantomatic evil plan “1. tipping someone over the edge so they would try a forbidden ritual that would destroy their soul in order to resurrect someone else; 2. plant the most resentful arm I have ever had the pleasure to encounter in what was meant to be an easy night hunt, just to lure both said newly resurrected person and another equally powerful one over; 3. leave hints and crumbles around in order for them to find the rest of the corpse; 4. nearly get all of the people concerned killed multiple times, though I guess this was a consequence of the previous points and not something he was directly involved in; 5. manipulated another bunch of people so that they would be exactly where he wanted them to be so they could do exactly what he wanted them to do; 6. nearly get them killed again; 7. managed to be at the right place at the right time for the big bad showdown; 8. completed his revenge by making yet another person kill the true evil mastermind that ruined the lives of way too many people even at the cost of breaking said person even more that they were” the hand went down, but he continued speaking “There are good things that resulted from this, of course, like the fact that A-Niang is not dead anymore and his reputation is cleared, or that the Cultivation World is slowly changing, or the fact that Jin Guangyao is finally dead and will never destroy anyone else's happiness in order to gain more power. But the list of positive things are outshined by the not so positive things: the people who died are still dead, and believe me the numbers are far too high to be acceptable, Bobo's heart was broken in a million pieces, some relationships were damaged to the point of no return and some actions are still unforgiven” Ah, well that kind of explained why they were glaring at him.

 

Beside him, his brother was left speechless. Huaisang had no idea which part was the most surprising for him, he had always been careful in being perceived as unassuming and meek as possible; that way people underestimated him and he could use the information he had gathered (absolutely not gossip) to gain the upper hand when they least expected it. It was an efficient system he found worked well and he had no desire to change, particularly since it gave him the freedom to do what he loved. Now, he wasn't so sure he would be allowed to continue the same way.

 

“Huaisang. Anything to add?” a lot, dage, a lot; more than he probably should, given the time and situation.

He had a multitude of things he wanted to ask, ranging from Why the fuck would I do that? to Well, that's awkward to Who the hell are these people you're so liberally talking about?, but when he finally opened his mouth what he said was:

“Does this Hanguang-jun have any other lists of people?” one job, Nie Huaisang, you literally had one single job and you blew it like that!? Please, let me just be swallowed by the floor.

To the time travellers' credit, they only had to glance at each other, before Sizhui answered with a curt, short yes. He did not elaborate further until Jingyi elbowed him in the gut as discreetly as possible, which unfortunately was not much. With a sigh and a slightly pained expression Sizhui did, in fact, elaborate his affirmative answer.

“Yes, yes he does. He apparently started doing it way before I was born, as a way to put his thoughts in order. He has a bunch, but I only saw them once and I never read it. I know the content of a couple because A-Niang likes to tease him and A-Die is utterly unashamed of his actions” at that Jingyi nodded.

“That I believe, they don't have a sliver of shame in them anymore, if it ever existed in the first place” had Nie Huaisang not been as shocked as he was, he would've filed away a great number of information to use later on, but alas he was still in the middle of processing. Unaware of Nie Huaisang's inner turmoil, or perhaps totally ignoring it, Sizhui continued.

“My favourite has to be the You are not qualified to talk to me, or my husband, or my son, or in my vicinity ever. It has a sublist for every category, so that's the full title. It has a bunch of people on it, a lot of whom are dead and still in there” Huaisang confirmed his initial thought that this Hanguang-jun (which had to be Sizhui's father, it had to) was savage top to bottom. And, apparently, a cutsleeve. Now, that was interesting information. That, unfortunately, Huaisang couldn't use.

 

“Isn't this Hanguang-jun supposed to be a Lan?” Huaisang had honestly forgotten Wei Wuxian was even there, which was strange in and of itself. Usually nobody had the luxury of forgetting he was in the same room as them, not even when he was sleeping (Nie Huaisang had shared his room enough times to know that he went to sleep at ungodly hours and when he finally went to bed he either spoke or moved around so frequently he was always making noise).

“He is” being a Lan made Hanguang-jun being a savage bitch even better. Who would've thought that they had in them to be even remotely near savage bitch behaviour.

“Why do you sound so surprised. Half of his passive aggressiveness and bitchy behaviour is your fault”

“JINGYI!”

 

Wait, what?!

 

That implied a series of things. A long series of things. However, before they could ask Jingyi to fucking explain what the hell did he meant, a shout reverberated between the thick walls of the Unclean Realm.

 

“A-YUAN!! A-YI!!”

Perking up at the voice the two time travellers got to their feet and moved away from the doors. Which was the only reason they didn't get squished when they were violently thrown open not one minute later. The men in the threshold was unfamiliar to Huaisang, not so much to Sizhui and Jingyi.

“A-NIANG!” Sizhui did not scream, screaming was forbidden, right!? Sizhui did, however, jump into his mother's (!!??) open arms. His mother was male? (Well, of course he was, Nie Huaisang. If Hanguang-jun was his father and a cutsleeve, then the supposed A-Niang had to be a man, right?). What in hell was happening right now??

 

His attention was captured by Sizhui's voice, this time calling for his father. And if the man that answered to A-Niang was unfamiliar, the one that did to A-Die was not. Lan Wangji's appearance did not change over the obvious older look. He was still an unparalleled beauty, still dressed in the whites and blues of Gusu Lan, still as impassible as ever. He was even more powerful than he was as sixteen, which was pretty much a given considering Lan Wangji's characters, his dedication to cultivation and the twenty-five years he had on his teenaged self.

So, Sizhui's father was Lan Wangji, who was also Hanguang-jun because Nie Huaisang was not stupid enough to have missed the fact that while Sizhui called him A-Die, Jingyi used the title. Hanguang-jun, the same Hanguang-jun who had lists of people with savage titles, the same Hanguang-jun who was a cutsleeve. The identity of his spouse was soon revealed. So was the true inhabitant of the unfamiliar body (and the claims of their shamelessness were soon proven true). Well, that explained few things. Wait, how were they Sizhui's fathers if neither of them had the right equipment to produce a baby? Nie Huaisang may not be stupid, but he had completely forgotten adoption was a thing in the wake of the fact that Lan Wangji was married to Wei Wuxian.

 

The discussion that followed said revelation (Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji. And Wei Wuxian?! Not as absurd as, let's say Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, but still not something he had seen coming, no matter how much Wei Wuxian loved to pester the Second Jade of Lan) was more shocking than everything said before and put a lot of it in context. Like why the fuck he would do what Sizhui said he did, his brother's death was absolutely a good enough reason for him to call evil mastermind time.

 

After the confirmation that the events told in Future Wei Wuxian's rant were indeed the truth, a sombre mood fell on the room, raised only by Future Wei Wuxian's dramatic reaction at being told that he could not storm Wen Ruohan's palace to claim his head. He then informed them, disturbingly cheerfully, that the only way to prevent most of the tragedies of their past was to kill the Wen Sect Leader and his loyal followers. Huaisang could see the grin that dage was fighting to keep down, he had no doubts that his brother felt extreme pleasure in hearing that.

 

“So, I guess you are the one I manipulate people to resurrect and Wangji-xiong is the equally powerful one that I lured over with the very resentful arm of my long dead brother?” Huaisang heard himself say. Future Wei Wuxian turned to look at him, a confused expression on his face.

“Yes, but I don't remember ever mentioning your name. So how could you...?”

“That... would our fault, sorry” Sizhui answered for him.

“Ah. And, pray tell, why would you need to tell Huaisang about his involvement in that mess?” at the question both Jingyi and Sizhui had the decency to look embarrassed.

“We were kind of caught up in the fact that holy shit we are in the past that we might have slip something about the people we were seeing. And then Nie Mingjue asked why we said what we did about Sect Leader Nie and Sizhui tried to explain best he could without saying any names”

“Ah-ah. That's not as bad as I thought, especially since I kind of elaborated further, with names. Still, you and I will have to have a very throughout conversation about accidental information leaks about things that should never, ever, be subject to any kind of leak, accidental or otherwise” his tone changed abruptly with the last sentence. They nodded meekly, resigned to their fate.

“But seriously what did you say about Nie Huaisang that prompted Nie Mingjue to ask you to explain?”

“... We might have implied that I kind of resented Sect Leader Nie a little bit for what he did to Bobo” Sizhui's voice raised at the end, turning what was supposed to be a statement into a question.

“...”

“...”

“The devil works hard, but Nie Huaisang works harder” Future Lan Wangji's deep voice cut the silence, surprising everyone.

“That sounds like something I would say” was Future Wei Wuxian's only reaction.

“It was” Future Lan Wangji confirmed.

“I have no recollection of ever saying that, though”

“You were drinking. With Jiang Wanyin” the tone implied that he very much disagreed with the choice of company.

“Ah”

 

“I'm honestly more confused now that when I asked that question.” Huaisang was getting tired of feeling like he was given only half the information and then left alone to piece things together with the little he had.

 

Luckily, before he had a meltdown right then and there in the middle of the room, Future Wei Wuxian announced that they were returning to their time.

 

And then they disappeared in an explosion of light.

 

Huaisang was not looking forward to the aftermath.

 

Notes:

So.... this is the crackish thing I have ever written, to the point that I'm not even sure if I want to call it crack or humor, but alas I hope you enjoyed it. Both Jingyi and Sizhui are a bit OOC, let's call it a happy accident since it's funny anyway.

A couple points:
1. I know I made the whole Cultivation World idiots, like they should've catch on who was who by the end of the fist outburst, BUT if I did that it wouldn't be as funny, so forgive me for that.
2. When Sizhui counts, I purposely used hand in the singular form as Chinese have a way to count to ten using only one hand. It's a very easy method and also considered more elegant, so it's totally something the gentry would use.
3. I don't remember where I read the name Jin Guanshit, but the credit for it it's not mine. If you have the original user, tell me I'll credit them (I remember the writer of the fic I was reading said something about a comment with it, but I have no idea of what fic could it be).
4. I know A-Yi is similar to the word ayi, which means aunt, but I have multiple reasons for using this instead of something like Jing-er: one is the fact that it does sound similar to ayi, and Wei Ying is too much of gremlin not to take advantage of this; two is that the suffix -er is typical of the Nothern regions, above the Yellow River, neither Yunmeng nor Gusu are above it, Yunmeng is in the South while Gusu is North-East (still below the River, around the Suzhou area), so using -er is not something Wei Ying would naturally do; three is that while pronuncing A-Yi the sounds are kind of separate in a way you don't do while saying ayi, so the difference is audible.