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Bones paused outside Pike’s room, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he watched the man chatting with an enthusiastic Jim.
It was a wonder his friend was able to remain sitting with his tendency to do all sort of hand gestures and keep his chair balanced on only two legs like a four year-old.
Typical, he thought, rolling his eyes, amusement triumphing exasperation despite his gesture.
He was tempted to go in and remind Jim just how many different ways he could break his neck and other parts of his anatomy but refrained from it. He’d told Jim a hundred times about it and he was sure his best friend was going to keep doing it just because he could and he was keen on making him frown and cuss.
He was ready to turn around and resume his way, when he caught Pike’s eyes on him.
The Admiral held his gaze for a couple of seconds before paying attention to Jim again, repeating the process for a second time before raising an eyebrow at him.
Jim didn’t notice. Pike didn’t say a thing at all.
He didn’t have to.
Bones got it.
He spent the rest of the week avoiding Pike’s room like the plague. In his defense, he could say he needed time to think this over. He wasn’t scared, just simply not ready for it. It didn’t help that a part of him insisted he was being overly paranoid, that there was no way Pike could’ve been able to pick up his feelings for Jim with only a look.
But it wasn’t only because of the look, was it? It was everything, including his stunt to bring Jim aboard the Enterprise and even before that, with facts such as how he was only able to relax in the few classes he had that involved a shuttle if Jim was the cadet behind the metaphorical and simulated wheel.
In the end, it had been subtleness what had sealed it, what had convinced him he’d fallen in love with his best friend.
The day was going slow, but peaceful. They both needed to study for finals, since none of them was going to accept anything short of extraordinary, never mind Starfleet couldn’t afford reproving any of its students when it needed every single one of them out in space as soon as possible.
When Bones arrived from the hospital, Jim was sprawled on his bed in his underwear and a loose T-shirt, decimating a bag of candies. Bones had learnt Jim needed to chew at something three stylus down the road during their First Year and never forgot to buy something for him ever since. It was Jim’s way of keeping still and burning some of his endless energy at the same time, he’d just needed some guidance to find the method.
PADDs were scattered around his friend and his hands picked one or another in a pattern that looked random, but that Bones knew was anything but.
“Heya, Bones. Here,” Jim said after he’d finished changing to something more comfortable, extending a handful of candies and Bones’ stack of PADDs in the other, making room for him on the bed with a leg.
Bones received everything with a mere nod of hi and thank you and lied down with Jim to read until early morning.
There was never much space between them on the bed and when it was, the sudden coldness he felt didn’t go missed.
A couple of weeks before that, he was doing the night shift at the hospital and there wasn’t a single time in which Jim wouldn’t be waiting for him with breakfast in their dorm, not an ounce of recrimination on his face, only untainted if sleepy acceptance.
Bones had never had that much understanding, not even in his marriage. Most of his colleagues chose to marry a fellow doctor because of this, because they were the only ones who could understand their life style. He’d always thought that was bullshit; love came with understanding and if you found the right person, then their career wouldn’t matter at all.
That was him pre-spectacular marriage failure, of course. Afterward, he swallowed his pride and tended to agree with them.
Until Jim.
He couldn’t forget or disregard he was always extra cranky when Jim was away on one of the stupidly risky tasks the Command Track was forced to do in order to get extra credits. And Jim obviously loved extra credits, so he went on every single mission.
There was also the fact he had yet to refute he was in a relationship with Jim after Chapel told him it was what everyone thought. Honestly, he didn’t give a damn about other people’s input about them. It wasn’t like he was outright lying, it was everyone else who was making assumptions about it.
But Pike wasn’t everyone else. And his assumptions, and Bones was sure he had plenty of those, were justified with observations, with empirical data.
As much as he hated someone prying on his own business, he knew he had to listen to the man.
Pike was Jim’s mentor. He had earned that right.
Bones knew what he wanted to say the instant he came into the room, his heartbeats marking a resolved tempo just as the time it all came down on him during a standard, easy morning in their room.
He’d just come back from the hospital, so exhausted he actually took a second shower. Jim wasn’t there when he first arrived, but he was when he came out of the bathroom and smiled at him from behind his coffee cup, making a little salute at him. He looked tired, probably after a fitful night of sleep without Bones to watch over him and his demons, but happy despite of it.
Jim needed him so much, it was so clear. But he didn’t ask without giving and there he was, awake and waiting for him with a smile on his face, and Bones knew that was what he wanted.
His Dad used to say you were only able to see things as they truly were when you were ready to face them, even if you didn’t feel you were.
Bones decided to trust him then and started a slow and practically imperceptible process of courting his best friend.
“Admiral.”
“McCoy,” Pike greeted him, lowering the PADD he’d been reading, “You done beating around the bushes? Good. Sit, let’s have a little chat. And don’t give me that ‘Admiral’ or ‘sir’ crap, or my next move will be calling you Lenny.”
Bones glowered at him. Pike smirked, pointing at the chair next to his bed. “I assure you it’d be your last one, Pike. Fine then. Should I go first or are you gonna give me your two cents prior to that?”
“Oh, I’ll go first,” Pike said and the following second, there was no trace of the previous playfulness anywhere, not in his voice and certainly not on his face, “What the hellare you waiting for? Is it for your 3-years anniversary of pussyfooting around Jim? Well, that isn’t that far away at all, but still and let me make this clear enough for you,you have no time for that.”
This wasn’t at all what Bones had been expecting. “Excuse me? Just who gave you the goddamned right to—“
“Three weeks from now, McCoy, you and Jim will be serving on a starship and sure, perhaps if we hadn’t lost half of the ’fleet and perhaps if you hadn’t smuggled Jim on the Enterprise showing how much you care about orders when he’s concerned, you’d both end up on the Enterprise, but you want to know the odds of that happening now?”
That was a bucket of cold water that chilled him to the bone. “Does the Admiralty actually think is a good idea to form half-assed attempts at good crews for every ship instead of creating a few strong ones with the officers they have left and take advantage of the fact some of those officers already know how to work together, like me and Jim? Sounds like the worst strategy ever, if you ask me.”
“I agree with you there,” Pike said, grim, “So does Barnett and a couple of others. That’s the whole reason we’re still discussing what to do with you, but I can’t promise you or Jim anything. I will fight for it down to the last minute, of course I will, because I have faith in both of you, because I think that what will matter in the end is the fact that you’re each other’s strength, not the fact that you’re also each other’s weakness. So tell me, McCoy, what are you exactly waiting for here? This could be your only chance, if things don’t go our way. A seal of approval? You have mine, for what it’s worth. And it could help your case, if you create a legal bond with Jim before getting your assignment.”
“Let me get this straight,” Bones said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “You’re telling me this isn’t in your hands and that it’s up to me to—what? Use the potential turn in my relationship with Jim to force Command to put us on the same ship?”
“You’re a smart man, McCoy. I know you got exactly where I was getting at. Go ahead, say it. I want to hear your thoughts on this.”
“You want to hear my thoughts,” he repeated, “Okay then. Do I need to go get the Neurologist, sir? Because this, your idea—or whatever this is—is madness, is what it is. If you know Jim a quarter of what I think you know him, then you’re aware he’ll run so fast if I fucking propose to him we’ll never know what happened to him.”
“And if you know him a fraction of what I think you know him, you’re aware he won’t do this without you. He’ll quit first and go wherever you’re going.”
“Then we’ll both quit our commission,” Bones fumed, “You tell the Admiralty that. They can either have us on the Enterprise or any other ship or make do without us.”
Pike shrugged, completely unfazed by his temper. “These are desperate times, McCoy, do not overestimate the morals of Starfleet. They will force you to stay on duty no matter what. This is all in the case they go with the half-assed crews, as you said, though, which isn’t certain yet but I prefer to have you prepared for the worst case scenario.”
“You haven’t told Jim yet.”
“I will, if that’s what you’re asking. You have seven days and then I’m telling him. With any luck, he’ll start a riot and Command will see they’re being stupid as fuck and they’ll want to give you a chance to prove your attachment to him can be a good thing.”
A week wasn’t nearly enough, but he nodded curtly either way. It was time to go back to do his rounds. “Thank you for your concern.”
Pike shook his head. “I just gave you information, perhaps a little push. I trust you’ll know how to use both.”
Bones finished a surgery and was sent home. Jim wasn’t expecting him yet, so he wasn’t there.
“Thank God for small mercies,” he muttered, falling heavily on his mattress, covering his face with both hands, “Goddamn it all to hell.”
He’d waited too long. He’d been too slow. How was he going to pull this off? Sure, he’d been working in getting even closer to Jim for a while, but he prided himself in having enough patience to do it the right way and he was not going to rush it because of fucking Starfleet and its general lack of grey matter.
Jim and he would fight to keep their friendship just as hard as they’d defend something else between them, but the real question was another one, one that Pike had thrown mercilessly in his face.
Were they going to have a chance at something more if they lost? From what he’d gathered, if that happened, they weren’t going to see each other in years and by then, everything could’ve changed. He was in love, but he wasn’t a fool. Love could get cold and die, hard and fast, even if it was treated with the utmost care. The possibility of survival for five years of a thing that never had the time to be in the first place was less than zero.
If he were younger or naive, he’d think there was no way Starfleet could make them stay against their will, but he wasn’t. He could come up with plenty of methods, including infusing guilt and good old blackmail.
“Damn it,” he wanted to give Jim more time to adjust, but he’d have to pray it’d been enough, “Damn it all.”
He’d made his choice.
No more trailing and inspecting the borderline, testing how far he could see without crossing it.
If there was nothing in the other side for them and nothing to go back to after taking that fateful step, then he’d be just an empty casket and Command could do whatever they wanted with him.
***
For once, their silent communication was failing.
Bones’ eyes were always honest and clear to see through but Jim couldn’t make out what things the hazel was trying to convey this time.
The sunlight shone bright above them, filtering between the leaves of the tree they were enjoying the shade of. For a single instant the dazzling sight of the one man who knew him truly was so overwhelming Jim’s eyes filled with wonder. At the next he had to blink and look away, his heart beating with a frenzy it’d never done before.
Jim feigned sleep. Little by little, he calmed down.
By the time he was lightly dozing, he felt Bones’ hand on the side of his face, his thumb right and purposeful as it traced Jim’s cheekbone.
The blood rushing through his veins was deafening.
Sadly, he could still hear himself inside his head as he leaned into Bones’ touch.
He loved Bones. He loved him.
He knew he did, just as he knew being a Captain what his only rightful place when he sat on the chair of the Enterprise. He knew he loved his best friend when Bones’ fingers met his skin.
Sure, it’d happened before, but not like this, not with tender, leisurely fingertips that had no other reason to do what they were doing that the sheer want for it.
It wasn’t much longer when Bones’ comm. unit rang and his friend cursed, his hand moving toward his hair and staying there as he roused Jim from the sleep he was supposed to be in.
“I’m sorry, Jim, I gotta go,” he said, resignation plain in his voice.
Jim blinked and took a deep breath. Locking eyes with Bones wasn’t the same as it had been mere minutes ago. It was stupid, he knew it was, but he was afraid of Bones reading everything in them and deciding it had been enough of blurry boundaries and giving caresses.
He was aware, painfully so, that Bones had to have a limit in there somewhere and all this splendor would come to an abrupt halt if Jim dared reaching it.
He had no interest in finding out where exactly it was.
He was going to take what he was given. No more, no less.
“Okay,” he pouted, tilting his head towards Bones and burying deeper the fingers in his hair, “you want me to walk you there?“
Bones removed his hand and shook slightly his head. “No, you go and keep sleeping in our dorm, Jim. You need it, you slept even less than I did studying for the finals so don’t even try telling me otherwise.”
“Alright, alright. See you then.”
It was better this way. He needed time to sort this out, time to learn how to conceal his newfound feelings for Bones from the man himself—if such thing was even possible.
Jim stood up and waved Bones goodbye, trying to look as inconspicuous as he could. As soon as his friend was out of sight, he all but ran out of campus, arriving to the Golden Gate Bridge and beginning a calculated ascend of it.
Someone had yet to find out Jim did it every time he needed to clear his mind and couldn’t find any other thing to do, the physical exertion and the adrenaline were the only ways of calming himself he knew of.
The wind blew wild in his ears. Every now and then, he’d stop to look down and breathe, to ask his body if it’d had enough.
He’d reached the top only in a few occasions and always during a relevant date—the day his Father had died or the day Sam had left.
He made it there this time as well and sat, inspecting the damage his fingers had suffered on the way up.
His hands were trembling badly, but had only scratches on them.
Congratulations in ruining the best thing you have, genius, he berated himself, biting and mocking.
Telling Bones was never going to be an option.
His best friend hadn’t been with anyone ever since Jim knew him, ever since his divorce. Why would he be interested in being with a mess like Jim? He deserved better, so much better.
And Jim was sure he wasn’t even physically attracted to him. He’d flirted enough with him the first couple of months for it to be clear as crystal.
The cold breeze bit at his cheeks as he remained curled up on the steel, his knees up to his chin and his gaze unseeing as the traffic went by below.
He should’ve seen this coming. He should have, from so long ago, but he was still so shocked.
He’d always been scared of loving someone in such a way, of giving that much power over him to someone else, had always closed up long before it could happen, but not with Bones. No, not with him.
With him, he’d handed himself on a plate, expecting Bones to feast on the scattered pieces that were pure Jim, that were all he had to offer, all that he was.
He returned to their dorm around midnight, almost frozen with fear of not being able to pull this off, to hide something so big from the one person who knew how to read him even with his eyes closed.
A sonic wouldn’t do much to warm him, but he hadn’t used his water ration of the month and they all had more than one ration, since the campus was overall empty.
And wasn’t that a cheery thought.
He saw and felt Vulcan imploding again that night. He was smothered by it all for long, ruthless hours until he woke up with a cry to a still empty room.
It was 0600. Bones had the night shift and would come back any minute to pass out on his bed to sleep half the day away and wake up to do an encore.
All Jim could do was having a substantial breakfast ready for him.
After the first couple of days went by and nothing happened, Jim finally let himself believe his strategy was working.
How to successfully hide something from the person than knew him better than anyone else? Why, by trying not to. If Bones got close to him, Jim welcomed him. If Jim wanted to touch and snuggle against him, he went right ahead and did it, didn’t hold back except in the moments when he unintelligently remembered he really, really wanted to kiss Bones and that wouldn’t do, but since that wasn’t a behavior expected from him, he bottled it up and moved on.
It was a good thing he was so fucking scared of messing up that his libido was conspicuous by its absence.
He kept imagining that Bones returned—or could return, he knew nothing for sure, except that he was so in love it was quickly getting out of control—his feelings. Something was different, there was this new angle in which Bones’ hands were on him, there was that thing in his eyes that Jim still couldn’t identify—
“Kirk! Wait up!” Jim stopped his mild jog through the hall and looked as a familiar face stood in front of him.
“Mara?” God, he hoped he’d gotten the name right.
“You remember me!” the girl grinned and clung gleefully to his neck. Jim did remember her, she was beautiful and one of the few women who didn’t think he was a dick and was actually okay with the only thing he had to offer, which was casual sex, “I was looking for you, you know.”
Jim smiled at her when she regained her feet, letting go of him, “Were you, now? Well, here I am, what is it?”
“I have the most amazing night planned and you, mister, need to be part of it,” she babbled, taking one of his hands in hers, “You, me, my ex-roomie and her boyfriend, what do you think? Are you free tonight?”
Yeah, this was the direction Jim thought the conversation was going. “Sounds like a lot of fun, Mara,” he scratched the back of his neck, trying to come up with a better excuse than ‘I’m not in the mood’, “Thanks for thinking about me, but I pass.”
She tugged at his arm, “But it’s not going to be the same without you. C’mon, Kirk, don’t make me beg. It doesn’t have to be tonight anyway. When are you available?”
Jim tried not to lose his balance as she kept pulling him forward and insisting he had to go while not making a face at her.
“Sorry,” he said simply, surreptitiously attempting to get free, “I’m sure you’ll find someone else.”
“Kirk,” she was starting to look pissed, “Since when are you a prude? Just say yes and be there, okay?”
“I think he already gave you his answer, sweetheart,” a gravelly, acerbic voice said behind Jim at the same time a hand rested on the crook of his neck, “How about you go on with your business and we go on with ours?”
She was so surprised that she let go of him. Jim had only time to wave and mouth at her it’s not what you think as he was being led at a fast pace.
“Nice timing, Bones,” Jim beamed at him, “Thanks.”
Bones rolled his eyes and kept his firm grip on him. He might have growled a little too, Jim couldn’t bet on it since he was still reeling at being practically claimed by Bones in front of someone.
In any other situation, Jim would’ve been teasing him to no end.
He couldn’t this time.
“Put something nice on,” Bones instructed gruffly when they reached their dorm, “We’re going out to have lunch in the city.”
His friend started stripping off his uniform right then and there. For some reason, he was still fuming.
“Are you okay?” Jim asked quietly, frowning in concern as a couple of buttons of Bones’ shirt went flying across the room.
They’d been going out to eat ever since classes finished, but always to places they already frequented to order take out and usually in their Academy reds. This was new and definitely weird.
“Yes, peachy,” Bones replied irritably. Jim decided to let him be for a while.
He inspected Bones’ clothes—just a pair of dark jeans, a white shirt and a brown leather jacket. He supposed the definition of ‘nice’ in this case was ‘something that didn’t have holes in it’.
By the time he was done dressing with black jeans, a blue shirt and his noble leather jacket, Bones had magically calmed down. His expression was soft and almost content as he watched him and Jim had to repeat like a mantra that there was no way he was checking him out, he was just checking his clothes to make sure they were okay for whatever place they were going.
They ended up going to a restaurant a lot fancier than the ones they were accustomed to, but not so much that Jim would be uncomfortable. The biggest change was the privacy of their booth and how Bones actually let him order three deserts. Normally, Jim had to pick just one.
“You haven’t gone to see Pike, have you?” Bones asked suddenly.
Jim whipped off the cream of his chocolate mousse with a finger and shrugged, “I may or may not be a bit pissed at him,” he admitted, “I know he’s hiding something big from me and even if it isn’t that big, he should be able to tell me something about our assignments now that we’re about to graduate and he told me he doesn’t know yet. I just don’t buy it, Bones. I’m tired of his bullshit. I know most of our classmates already know where they’re going.”
“Haven’t you thought about how much of a special case we are?” Bones took a long swing of his drink and added, bleak, “We broke rules, lots of them, and sure, we won, but have you thought about what would’ve happened if it was only an ordinary mission?”
“Of course I have. They would’ve kicked us out.”
“Well then, don’t you think they’re having a bit of a hard time deciding what the hell they want to do with us?”
“I don’t really care,” Jim sighed, suddenly not hungry anymore, “As long as they put us on the same ship.”
“What if they don’t?”
Jim swallowed. Hard. He lifted up his eyes and found Bones staring at him with the same dread he was feeling.
That was his biggest fear, to be forced to choose between a dream he didn’t know he had until he was living it and the only reason he knew what having a home meant.
“Then I’ll make them change their mind. And if that doesn’t work—“ what? What would he do then?
“We’ll figure something out,” Bones assured him, reaching out across the table to take his hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
And it even felt that way, never mind they’d never held hands before and Jim was 80% sure that was relationship territory and the mad beating of his heart told him it was indeed interpreting the gesture in that way.
What was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to turn his palm over and hold Bones’ fingers between his own? What he supposed to entwine his fingers with Bones’? Was he supposed to use his thumb to stroke Bones’ hand ? That sounded nice. Was he supposed to grasp just the fingers he was able to touch in the position his hand was in and give them a squeeze? Was he supposed to keep still? God, he couldn’t do that.
This was it. This was as far as his pretense had gone.
Whatever he did, he was going to screw up.
Before he could do anything though, Bones let go and called for the check. Soon, they were walking back to campus but it was too late anyway.
Jim didn’t know what to do anymore. Should he put his hands in his pockets? What if doing that tampered with anything Bones wanted to do, like taking his hand again, however unlikely that was? How was he going to find out if he didn’t give Bones a chance to try?
The silence prolonged until they went back to their room and even then, Bones wasn’t talking or doing much, really, not anything but pace around the room with a closed expression on his face.
He hadn’t even taken off his jacket.
Jim didn’t blame him.
He could sense it in the air between them, the fact that no matter how hard Jim tried to remain away from the threshold, they had already surpassed it and now the only thing to do was figuring out how exactly things were going to change between them.
“Bones?” he called out. Bones finally stopped and focused on him, still standing by the doorway, panic gripping him by the chest like a hideous, palpable thing, “I’m sorry.”
He didn’t know what exactly he should be sorry for, but mostly he was sorry for complicating things between them, for ruining what they had, for ruining them.
Bones took every heavy step to him until they were face to face and only then his features gave way to show what he was really feeling.
There was fear in him, but also resolve and something else—something that gave Jim hope, even if he couldn’t tell what it was.
“I’m not,” Bones murmured, holding his face with his hands. Jim could almost taste the breath coming out of his mouth.
There was no way he was misreading this.
It was the last thing he could think before diving into Bones’ mouth using his neck as an anchor with only one mission in mind and that was showing his best friend they could be so much more, anything he wanted them to be.
Bones gave back as good as he was getting, letting go of his face in favor of gripping his back. Jim would’ve moaned if he could, there were so many things he wanted to do at once and this was probably his only chance of doing any of it.
He’d never been gladder of developing a method to smoothly remove clothes losing the least areas of contacts that were possible, of being able to kick off his shoes along with his partner’s in much the same quick, even way.
They stumbled to Bones’ bed. Jim landed on top, Bones’ hands almost spamming on his hips as they fell on the mattress. Jim took advantage of the buttons Bones had lost before, licking his way up from there to his neck. When he reached Bones’ jaw, the doctor made a point of showing him that all the muscle hidden beneath the fabric was very real by reversing their positions and pinning him under him, both of his arms trapped over his head.
Bones was breathing so hard it was like they were done already. Jim was just beginning. “Kinky, Bones,” he teased, stretching his neck to whisper in his ear.
“We’re not doing this your way, Jim,” Bones said, breaking apart without letting go of him, “We either do this my way, or we don’t even bother trying. You got that?”
Jim blinked up at him. Bones looked frustrated and not even debauched enough, but it was a good look on him. He wasn’t being as aggressive as he was being commanding and Jim had no issues conceding control, not if it was Bones who was going to take it from him.
He nodded and relaxed his body to show he was serious. Soon, they were kissing again and Jim limited to follow the nips, swings and drifts of Bones’ lips on his.
Bones was a throughout, passionate kisser and Jim had the ridiculous thought that he could spend hours doing nothing but being kissed by him and kissing back.
Bones didn’t allow any other contact besides their mouths meeting and their hands on each other’s faces. Jim didn’t try for more. After a while even his expectations of what was coming next receded to a distant drum, ready to jump back to the front seat the instant Bones took the next step.
But he didn’t. Eventually, they parted and Bones took a moment to regain his breath next to his cheek. Then he stood up and began collecting their shoes and coats from the floor.
Jim could do nothing but stare at him. This didn’t feel like it was going anywhere.
Had he done something wrong? Had Bones been trying the whole time to get turned on to no avail? Had he discovered he didn’t want Jim?
Bones picked up his comm. unit and sat next to him, “Aren’t you hungry? It’s almost time for dinner.”
The loud growl his stomach made was answer enough. Bones just shook his head at him and ordered delivery.
Fuck it. He was going to ask. “Bones, don’t you want—“
“Not today, Jim.”
Only then he understood something. Bones hadn’t been talking about sleeping together. He’d been talking about their… thing. This new thing they had, whatever it was.
“If you don’t want me now, Bones, I don’t get what you’re trying to do.”
“No, I don’t suppose you do, Jim,” Bones said somewhere close to his ear. He couldn’t tell with his head down, “But you will.”
He miscalculated. Bones was speaking near his forehead and kissed it, flushing him to his side with an arm.
Slowly, Jim hugged him back, carefully placing his hands in places that wouldn’t set off any sex alarm.
Bones reassured him with a little nuzzle to his hair and Jim was a goner.
Whatever this was, he was in.
He trusted Bones.
He wouldn’t let him spoil it.