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Kaidan failed at focusing his attention. It wasn't the spectacular view outside the Starboard Observation window, although it was a pleasing eyeful. Certainly not his Spectre reports which were boring without the benefit of being an effective distraction. Boring couldn't be rubbed out of his eyes. He gave it up for a lost cause and tossed the datapad toward the other end of the seat so he could stretch out.
What distracted his attention, what commanded his thoughts, was the still vivid image of Shepard in the VI port at the Geth server on Rannoch. It was hard to watch the commander in the coffin-like apparatus, still as death, while his brain was galavanting around in Virtual geth space trying to bring a three centuries old war to a halt. If the warring factions could stop fighting each other and focus on the bigger issues in the universe, it would be a major boon to the coming fight against the Reapers.
Three centuries of prejudices between the Geth and the Quarians were hard to overcome but Shepard's time spent trotting around in the Geth consensus was not time wasted. He was able to broker a peace that even went so far as to impress the Asari High Command, which finally got them in the war as well.
For all the good that came out of that, however, Kaidan still had not shaken the panicked, sick feeling that settled in his stomach watching Shepard vulnerable with all the Geth Prime units in combat stasis around them and a battle, a hopeless battle, waging in orbit above the server facility to buy him time to bring the Reaper signal down and free the geth from Reaper control.
When Shepard was done, for the first time in three hundred years enemies were no longer enemies. They were actually working together.
Only Shepard could do that. The only one who could pull it off. Admirals Hackett and Anderson both placed the utmost confidence in his ability to do what was required. And he did.
The doors sliding open with the soft hush caught his attention and he looked up from his sprawl to see Shepard strolling in with that confident swagger that flashed down Kaidan's spine as palpable electric heat every time. Shepard lifted a hand in greeting. "Kaidan, I was wondering where you were. You disappeared during Dr. Chakwas' examination."
"Ah, well," Kaidan kicked his feet off the couch and gesture for Shepard to sit down. "I figured she didn't need another biotic there throwing her readings off. How do you feel? Any...different?"
Shepard settled easily next to Kaidan, sprawled bonelessly against the soft cushions. Their legs bumped together, accidental at first. The rhythmic tapping of their knees when Shepard bounced his leg told Kaidan it wasn't such an accident after that. "You know it makes me nervous when you ask me like that."
"Yeah, I guess it would." Kaidan ran his hands through his hair. "Sorry. After two years...well...you know." They'd been over it before. Over and over so many times Kaidan knew he was sounding like a broken record. He didn't trust and he should have. He called Shepard's loyalty into question so many times it was uncomfortable to think about how big of a dick he'd been about it. Especially in light of the fact that Shepard's loyalty, his steadfast honor and dedication to duty -- in all that time, through Saren and Sovereign, through the Collectors and the Reapers, and even now -- had never wavered. Not like Kaidan's had in his friend.
"I never expected you to wait for me."
"I would have, had I known," Kaidan said. Had he believed. A mistake Kaidan wouldn't make again.
"Neither of us could bank on that."
In the silence that followed, Shepard slid his fingers along Kaidan's temple, toying with his gray hair. "It's a good look on you, by the way."
Kaidan laughed. "Oh? Like the distinguished look?"
"Maybe I like my men with a little veteran seasoning about them."
"Premature, I guess. I'm not that old. Or maybe a side effect brought on by my L2 implants. Hard to say." Kaidan caught Shepard's hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed each fingertip. "You had me worried, down there. In that...coffin."
"I'm sorry. It was necessary-"
Kaidan cut him off. "I know it was." He squeezed his eyes shut against the telltale signs of a migraine. "I just..." How to explain this to a man so single-mindedly focused on the mission that he rarely saw the personal unless bashed over the head? "I'm not a hysterical man, Shepard, you know that."
"I know-"
"No," Kaidan cut him off again. "Let me finish. I try to keep my emotions in check. You remember why, why it's important that I don't lose control again. But seeing you like that, being separated from you and all this crazy shit that's happening around us. The uncertainty just sort of hit me hard this time, you know? Fear, not for life or for safety or for the world but for losing this," and he touched Shepard's chin, light fingertips against the stubble that grew daily and it had been several days since they'd been able to even catch a decent night's rest. "You. Shepard, I can't lose you again. I wouldn't survive it."
"Kaidan. I have a reason to stick around."
The silence built; a long stretch between them. When it snapped back into normal space, the feeling was sharp, and empty. Urgency tugged in Kaidan's gut.
"Come on," Shepard stood, dragging Kaidan to his feet. "Let the doc look at you-" It was his turn to talk over Kaidan. "I can see the headache coming on in your eyes. Get it taken care of and meet me in my quarters. That's an order, Major."
Shepard pulled Kaidan's hand to his lips. He kissed lightly at the backs of Kaidan's fingers. It was a small gesture, subtle and gentle. The shock came when their gazes met again. Blue eyes, eyes Kaidan could wax poetical about all day and never get bored, were sharp and clear and brooked no disagreement.
It was electric, the desire that flew between them
"Aye-aye, sir," Kaidan said to Shepard's back as he disappeared back through the bulkhead door.
Loyalty. Duty. Honor.
There was nothing certain except those values that Shepard held close, girded around him when all else was falling apart. Not once had Shepard deviated, knowing there were no other certainties and chose to live with the grim realities every day. Kaidan felt like it was up to him to hold to their future. He, also, would do what was required.