Chapter Text
Lottie had multiple visions about the reactions of her teammates to her disease.
Tai and Van always look at her with pity. Their eyes never leaving her in every step Lottie takes in fear that she would do something to end the pain. But there was not only pity, but understanding. These two understood the feelings Lottie has as good as someone who doesn’t have the burden of knowing their death is inescapable.
Misty would always give her eyes full of hope, which is most of the time worse than the pitying looks from Tai and Van. Other times the hope Misty has for Lottie is the only other comforting thing Lottie has except knowing she is not alone.
In her visions Nat always gives Lottie the cold shoulder. Maybe she is disappointed that their supposed leader can’t lead them, because she is lost without Laura Lee's guidance. Maybe she is disappointed in Lottie, because how could someone fall in love with someone so straight and religious as Laura Lee, when they could have someone that is so openly out as Nat.
Shauna was weirdly never there in her visions, so when she heard the cabin door open one night while Lottie was hovering above a bucket full of blood smeared lilies that were once fully white, she didn’t know what to expect.
Her friend's eyes widened as she saw Lottie, but she didn’t seem to realize on what she walked in on. Instead she walked towards her with one hand on her own throat and the other just hovering above it. As Shauna grabbed the bucket out of Lottie's hands, quickly and without any eye contact, the other girl felt herself surprisingly calm considering that her secret will be out now every second. She knew that it was only a matter of time that her secret would come out and her teammates would cast her out.
But instead of giving Lottie any reaction at all to the bucket full of petals, Shauna fills it up even more as she throws up hyacinth petals drenched in blood, just like the petals Lottie threw up just mere moments ago, after another.
After the shorter girl calmed down and set the now full bucket down, both looked at each other, still trying to process what had just happened and what that would mean for them as friends and individuals. Shauna seemed to be the first one to find her voice.
“You will not tell anybody what you just saw, Matthews!”, and there was the aggressive midfielder with the most red cards in their league, thought Lottie, while Shauna looked at her with clenched fists.
“Are you not only crazy but also deaf?” shouted Shauna, forgetting that it was the middle of the night and the other teammates could wake up from her yelling. “Answer me, Matthews!”
Lottie realized her chance at keeping at her secret, because Shauna seemed to not have connected the dots of Lottie, a bucket full of blood and flower petals and her mouth still having fresh blood on it. She began to nod fast, hoping that Shauna would calm down and not beat her so hard she would have a broken jaw and nose.
But that was not enough for the midfielder. Shauna shoved Lottie against the nearest tree and with her teeth so near to Lottie's chin, Shauna looked like a wolf ready to tear the other girl apart. That was probably what Van saw seconds before she was eaten by actual wolves and Lottie felt for her, because wolves were scary, but nothing compares to Shauna Shipman.
“Yes, fucking yes. I won't tell anybody you have Hanahaki disease”
Shauna paused and turned her head to the side. Her eyes narrowed and Lottie could see the wheels turning in her head.
“You know why I throw up fucking petals?” And my god, thought Lottie, how could someone be so smart to be accepted into Brown University, but also be so dumb.
“Yeah. It’s because you are in love” answered Lottie and Shauna finally stepped back. Her whole stance changed from aggressive to defense and she now looked more like a little innocent rabbit that just wants to survive.
“And how do I stop that? I don't want to throw up flowers, I never liked flowers anyway.”
“Tell them before you end up like me”
What followed was a long silence. Shauna finally realized what she walked in on and looked fascinated in the bucket full of blood. Lottie meanwhile knew she fucked up her chance of not only still hiding her secret of being ill, but Shauna would ask more questions.
Maybe she would react understanding to Lottie and her love for Laura Lee. But maybe she wouldn’t understand what Lottie felt for the last months, because once her love isn’t dead before it could even begin and second Shauna is probably not in love with any of the girls, Travis or Coach Ben like Misty is.
Whatever it is, Lottie knows that they are now connected and in this together till Lottie's and maybe Shauna's end.
After a few days and nightly throw up sessions together, Lottie is kind of happy that she is not alone anymore. Don’t get her wrong, she won't wish this upon her worst enemy, except the plane that took Laura lee from her, but it is freeing to know that someone gets you.
They talk kind of openly about how they are doing and while Shauna talks less, listens and throws up more than Lottie, she knows that it helps the butcher too. During daytime she is more calm like when Jackie was still alive. The others noticed the change too.
Van and Tai talked to Lottie one morning after their morning prayer and told her that whatever she was doing, to keep doing it. The redhead then murmured something about their daughter finally moving on and her girlfriend just slapped her on her arm telling her to shut up. Tai apologized for Van, for what Lottie still doesn’t know, but she learned to not question what these two say most of the time and just accept their nonsense.
Lottie still doesn’t know who Shauna is in love with, but she doesn’t ask. Shauna doesn’t seem ready to talk about her feelings, maybe she doesn’t feel as safe with Lottie as Lottie does with her, who knows.
Like the last few nights too, Shauna asks questions about Lottie. She knows now that Lottie is in love with Laura Lee and she doesn’t have a chance to confess her love in hope it isn't one-sided. Lottie isn’t sure if Shauna realized what that means for her, because they haven’t talked about the inevitable death that is slowly coming for Lottie.
When Shauna finally asks Lottie, quiet and hushed like she just wants to get over it, she isn’t surprised, it has been a long time coming.
“You already know the answer to that, Shauna, we both know it” Lottie doesn’t have the strength to look Shauna in the eye and say that her fate is already sealed. She accepted it, but still it doesn’t get easier saying that the flowers will slowly grow and replace her lungs. That the petals will only grow more till her whole chest is filled with different flowers, that all somehow represent the innocence that only Laura lee has.
Shauna nods. “You need to say it, please” Her voice is vulnerable, a stark contrast to the strong and commanding voice Shauna has been using for the past few months. For a few seconds Lottie sees them back in high school, before everything went down to shit and their life’s ended in some ways. Shauna in her yellow soccer uniform, sitting on a bench in their locker room looking up at Lottie, like she just told her that her driver killed a deer on the way to school.
“If not for you, then say it for me. I need to hear it” and then they are back in the wilderness. Back to their illness and back to her death.
“I will die. I will die with Lilies and Bluebells, and god knows what flowers will be living in my mouth till I finally can’t breathe anymore. I will fucking die with Laura's favorite flowers in my throat killing me, because I was a coward. Because I couldn’t open my mouth and tell her to fucking stay and tell her that I love her”
“I will die” Lottie repeats after a beat.
“Me too” is the only answer Shauna gives her before she takes their new shared bucket and coughs blood in it.