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There was a boy I could have loved.
A series of heavy knocking outside the apartment door jolted Levi out of his daily newspaper reading, and he sighed before setting his cup down on his kitchen island with great reluctance. The tea was growing cold, and due to Levi’s apparent sleepiness, he wasn’t able to finish making his way down even the first section of his news before allowing himself to take another sip.
He frowned at the cup he just set down. What was he doing again?
The knocking started again, except this time with a much more urgence. Levi’s frown turned into a scowl as he rose out of his seat to trudge his way to the door, wincing at the sudden sharp pain jabbing at his back. Just how long has he dawdled in his seat for the past few hours?
It took a lot more self convincing before Levi finally managed to grasp the door handle and twist it open to be confronted with—
“...Levi-san?” a boy whispered in front of him, out of breath. He was completely drenched from head to toe, the dark slim jacket sticking to him like leeches and his hair soaked, dripping down all the way from the side of his rosy cheeks to his untied sneakers and pooling around the doormat he was standing on. The first thought that occurred to Levi was that he didn’t realize it had been raining this hard outside. The second thought that occurred to Levi was—
“Who are you?” Levi asked.
There was a boy I could have loved. He had your eyes, your smile, your slow and warm laugh. And he had a dream, just like you. It was a dream so sweet he would wake up every day with the taste still lingering on the tip of his tongue…
It was an odd sight, really. Levi was sitting on his chair again, quietly sipping his long cold cup of tea, his legs crossed and his eyes blank. The boy, who turned out to be a physics student in one of Levi’s microcontrollers classes that had conveniently lost his car keys in the ferocious storm brewing outside, was shivering in the seat across from him, clutching the freshly washed towel Levi had offered him and gulping down the fourth cup of tea he had all night.
“Eren, is it?” Levi finally said, as if testing how the name sounded on his tongue. It wasn’t a bad feeling.
The boy — Eren — perked up, and a sudden glint sparkled into his eyes before disappearing. “Yes?”
“Isn’t that a foreign name?”
“So is yours, sir.”
Levi would have snorted in response if his body wasn’t already aching for whatever reason. Maybe he really was getting too old, even if his age was barely touching forty years. “I suppose I’m just surprised to see another foreigner here in this small city of Hikone, Japan.”
Eren cocked his head to the side as he peered at Levi. He had stopped shivering and the cup he was holding in front of him was long empty. “Do you really not remember me?”
Levi squinted at the younger boy. Sure, he recognized his face, if not quite vaguely. But Levi lived a simple life: he woke up, went to teach, then went straight back home. He wasn’t the type to stick around chit chatting with the undergraduates, and since he taught around a hundred of them, it was hard to keep track. “It’s hard to forget someone with as unnatural of an eye color as yours,” Levi decided to say.
It was now Eren’s turn to crack a smile, as he closed his eyes. “Is that really all you remember of me?”
“Are you trying to leave a better impression on me by showing up to my apartment door uninvited, dripping wet, and asking to stay the night?”
The soft smile dancing on Eren’s lips stayed firm. “I already apologized, sir,” he murmured. “I told you, I… I kinda lost track of time while I was working in one of the classrooms. I was walking outside to go back to my dorm and it suddenly started pouring… I didn’t know where else to go. Sir.”
Levi raised an eyebrow. “What about any of your friends?”
Eren’s eyes stayed closed. “I remember a while back in one of your lectures that you are awake at this hour. None of my other friends are.”
“I’m surprised you remember I said that once.”
Eren’s eyes were open now. “It’s hard to forget you, Levi-san.”
What is that supposed to mean? Levi thought as he stared at the young man in front of him.
Eren just smiled.
It was a dream so sweet that he would spend his days daydreaming about it as well, so much so that he dedicated his entire life to it. It was a dream so sweet that sometimes his usual gentle nature turned cutting and ferocious. His temper would even almost scare me, too, as he yelled and tore his arms away from anyone’s grasp. But he would never yell at me like that.
A few days later, someone tapped on the desk a few inches away from Levi’s fingers. Levi looked up from the papers he was grading to see Eren clutching a few textbooks to his chest and brandishing a gentle grin. Levi narrowed his eyes in recognition. “It’s you.”
Eren’s grin grew wider. “Would you be willing to conduct research with me, Levi-san?”
Levi blew out a sigh and leaned back in his seat. “I conduct research, yes, as per my job as a professor at this university. Willingly? No. And with brats? Definitely not. You’d be better asking someone like Professor Hange, especially if you’re looking to research in—” He looked up and down at the titles of the textbooks Eren was holding, “—theoretical physics.”
Eren’s smile didn’t waver. “Please, Levi-san—”
“It’s a no for me. I majored in electrical engineering when I was in college, not astrophysics, or whatever the fuck is up there in space.” Levi gestured upwards vaguely.
To Levi’s surprise, Eren laughed. It wasn’t an outrageous laugh that echoed throughout the walls of the now empty lecture room, no; it was a slow and gentle laugh that drifted almost melodically through Levi’s ears. “I had a feeling you would say that. Well then, instead…” He paused to flip through a textbook’s pages and slide a piece of paper he found onto the table in front of Levi.
Levi looked down and almost gawked at what he saw. The paper Eren had just handed to him was an extremely detailed diagram of all of the different parts of an airplane. It wasn’t a small model airplane, no, it was a full-on airplane that a human would be able to pilot.
“Would you be willing to help me build this, Levi-san?”
Levi blinked and looked back up, still not able to process the sheer amount of detail and research Eren had to go through to produce even a diagram like this. “...Why?”
Eren grinned and said, “I want to see the world.”
Levi heard, “I want to see the ocean.”
You remind me of him sometimes. Late at night when I stayed quiet in my quarters mulling over the handkerchief I dirtied yet again, I could hear his voice seeping out of the doorway as he conversed with the rest of the squad. He had no trouble bonding with anyone, just like you. His laughter came easily, just like yours does too. And he was very, very stubborn, just like you.
Levi didn’t understand the sudden turn of events. He had blinked—sure, a slow and long one at that—and here Eren was, building yet another part of his airplane in Levi’s own apartment. Bolts, nuts, and screws were scattered all over Levi’s kitchen island (the largest table he had in his apartment), and there were even more boxes stacked up against the wall that Eren had carried over during his walk to Levi’s flat. Levi blinked again, and he found himself pointing out Eren’s mistakes and even going so far as rewiring some circuits that Eren had (stupidly or intentionally?) completely messed up. Levi blinked again, and, well–
“Levi-san!” Eren exclaimed, holding up a half-finished mass of gears and a dozen other parts. “Now we just have to build and attach the fan blades and the spinner, and the engine will be completely finished!”
“We,” Levi repeated.
“Yeah, you and me, sir,” Eren said. He slipped off his work gloves to wipe off the sweat beading again on his forehead before pulling them back on again to start screwing on another bolt. “You’re my mentor, Levi-san.”
Levi scowled and looked away. “I’m no mentor,” he muttered.
It had been a few weeks since Eren had sought Levi out for this seemingly impractical project with which Levi, for some reason beyond him, had said yes to. It also took just a little more convincing from Eren’s part to turn Levi’s small one-bedroom apartment into a sort of workshop. Levi didn’t understand why Eren couldn’t work in one of the university’s engineering laboratories or even just Eren’s own apartment. He had a growing suspicion it was just an excuse to keep on coming to Levi’s apartment, but he never had it in him to ask.
It wasn’t like it didn’t bother him in the beginning; after all, Eren showing up the first day with three boxes full of dirty electrical parts reminded Levi of all the reasons why Levi never became an actual electrical engineer and settled for hiding behind a university professor profession, far away from the horrendously filthy workforce. But to Levi’s surprise, Eren was unconditionally clean. Every time before he started working, he would lay out a large piece of plastic film over the table, and whenever he stopped his work for the day, he would rise from his seat, bunch up all of his scattered parts along with the plastic film, and drop everything in an empty cardboard box. He would then proceed to spray and wipe down every square inch of the place he worked without asking, leaving the place as pristine as it was when he entered. Plus, he never asked to cut metal in Levi’s apartment; they were all cut beforehand using one of the laser cutters at the university. So it was only a matter of assembling.
Even then, Levi couldn’t understand the full gravity of the situation. For example, where did Eren even get all these parts? Where did he even get the money ? The last time Levi mentioned it in one of Eren’s growing number of weekly visits, Eren just said, “I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a very long time.”
But perhaps the biggest question of all—
Levi had arrived back to his apartment after work for only a few minutes before he heard a knock on his door. He huffed, annoyed that he didn’t even get a chance to shower, but still strode to the entrance to swiftly swing open the door.
There Eren stood, in all of his glory, his backpack slung over his shoulder, his arms holding a box full of laser cut fan blades and his mouth spread wide open in a grin.
Today marked his one month visit. Levi didn’t know why he was counting, so he muttered, “Keep this up, and I’ll think that you’re obsessed with me.”
“Maybe I am. Sir,” Eren said, before walking in.
You remind me of him sometimes, with how wild of a beast he is that could be tamed so easily with a simple phrase that comes out of my mouth. His entire squad, his best friends, the girl who was madly in love with him, at one point the rest of the world even— they were all scared of him. But not me. He was a monster, yes, but he was a monster who loved the world more than anyone else.
Eren usually arrived at Levi’s apartment at night. It was a predictable schedule now: arriving weekdays at 7 pm except for Tuesdays and Fridays and the weekends at 4 pm, and leaving every day at around 10 pm, or sometimes before if Levi had the energy to kick him out with an excuse of something along the lines of “go do something a normal college student would do”.
But if Levi didn’t, Eren would usually stay in Levi’s apartment for dinner. Eren, Levi learned, was actually quite good at cooking (was there anything he couldn’t do?). Even Levi had to admit that he secretly awaited the days Eren would show up to his apartment not only with a cardboard box of to-be-assembled parts but also a plastic bag full of groceries.
Eren’s nikujaga, or braised meat and potatoes, was probably Levi’s favorite dish. Every time Levi cut a portion of the potatoes with his spoon and brought it up to his mouth to taste, his tongue exploded with a firework of different flavors, so much so Levi had to close his eyes to be able to take everything in. The potatoes in the dish were always just so tender and so savory that they complimented the saltiness of the snow peas and the onions that melt in Levi’s mouth. And the pork…
“Is it good?” Eren asked, as he untied his kitchen apron and folded it neatly on the counter next to the cupboards, before walking over to join Levi by a small living room table that was makeshift for a dinner table, since the kitchen island was currently occupied.
“It’s tolerable,” Levi decided, as he cut another piece from the pork with his fork and brought it into his mouth. One more cut and he would be basically finished with his first serving.
Eren smiled as if he could tell what Levi’s true feelings were and dug into his bowl. “Thank you for letting me cook again, Levi-san.”
“It’s really a miracle that you haven’t yet set the whole apartment floor on fire.”
Eren laughed at this, and there it was again– the melodic and fluttery feeling that filtered through Levi’s ears and heart. “I’m just surprised that you haven’t kicked me out yet.”
“I did yesterday, remember?” Levi pointed out.
“Yeah, but I meant preventing me from even stepping into your apartment in the first place.” Eren smiled wryly as he stuffed another spoon of rice into his mouth. “Aren’t I a nuisance? Like, surely you’re busy with other things. Isn’t it a bother to have someone like me show up at your place basically every day of the week?”
Levi drank a bit of the soup from his spoon before speaking. “I’m glad you’re finally self-aware.”
Eren just looked amused at this. “That doesn’t really answer my question.”
Levi let out a breath and glanced at Eren. “I don’t do anything other than teach.”
Eren widened his eyes at this, as if this was something Eren didn’t know. “Really? Like, you don’t go out drinking or something? With your friends?”
“I don’t have friends,” Levi said.
Eren crossed his arms on the surface of the table and set his head on top of them before looking up at Levi. “Am I not your friend?”
Levi didn’t know what to say to that.
You could say that, in some twisted way, I admired him. It was true: I did, just like how I admire you. I admired his blind strength and his conviction, and his care for the people that he loved rivaled no one’s. It wasn’t a gentle care, no, it was a loud one, in which he would actually go out and risk his life day after day after day for them, but it was a deep kind of care nonetheless.
That is where the similarities between you and the boy I could have loved end. A few years after I first met him, he became a completely different person. What happened to him? I didn’t understand.
Sometimes, while Eren and Levi were working on another aspect of the airplane, Eren would tell stories about his childhood. He would describe all the tales of when he would accidentally (or intentionally?) fall (jump?) off the playground and sprain his ankle so badly that he would have to be taken to the ER. He would tell stories about the first time he and his family went to the beach and when Eren would swallow too much of the ocean water he’d throw up the day after. Levi learned that he liked to listen.
“You know, Levi-san,” Eren started, wiring a part of the frame of the fuselage. “When I was younger, I actually wanted to become an astronaut. Wouldn’t it be so cool?” He paused from his work, gazing off into the distance. “Being able to float around in a seemingly infinite expansion of space. Being able to stare and appreciate the beauty of Earth from an outside perspective.”
Levi blinked, stopping his measurements from the bolts on the metal. “You can still do it.”
“No, it’s okay.” Eren smiled, picking up the frame again. “I already found something more worthwhile in my aspirations: learning about the world. That’s why I majored in physics. I wanted to know it all, you know. Everything we can’t touch—quantum mechanics, general relativity, particle physics. And everything we can touch—robots, computers…” He looked at Levi. “...Airplanes.”
Levi held Eren’s gaze, for so long that Eren widened his eyes and looked away. Quietly and making sure Eren couldn’t see him, he allowed himself a tiny smile. There were a lot of things he still didn’t understand, but he felt as if he was slowly learning them one by one.
“Here,” Levi said, tossing something in the empty workspace in front of Eren.
Eren’s head quickly snapped down as his eyes registered what the object in front of him was. His eyes widened. “This… This is–”
“My spare apartment key,” Levi confirmed.
Eren was still staring at the key, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “This is for me?”
“Are you dumb? Who else would it be for?”
Eren suddenly snapped up to look at Levi with a look in his eyes Levi had never seen before. Fascination? Curiosity? Or… “But why?” Eren managed to ask.
Levi pressed his lips in a firm line and looked away. “For if you find yourself trapped outside with nowhere else to go again. Because I’m sure it’ll happen again.”
“Levi-san…” Eren started. All of a sudden, he tore off his gloves and tackled Levi into a crushing hug, and for the first time, Levi let him. “I’m glad you don’t hate me after all.”
“I never did, Eren.”
But when I finally came face to face with him in the end, with him in his final monstrous form, with his dull eyes worn down from years and years and years of external and internal battle, I still saw the little boy I had met years ago. The same boy who dreamed of a life outside the walls, the same boy who just wanted to find peace for the people he loved so dearly, the same boy chained down in the dungeon and proclaimed, “I want to kill all the—”
Now that I think of it, that boy I could have loved, he was—
It happened on Christmas day. The entire university went on winter break, and for whatever reason, Eren seemed to have gone on one, too. He hadn’t shown up on Levi’s doorstep for the past two weeks, and it took a lot of self control for Levi to not feel disappointed whenever he didn’t hear the distinctive knock on his door at night. Eren hadn’t even told Levi when he was going to come back— if he was coming back, Levi wasn’t sure. It wasn’t like it mattered, right? Even if Levi didn’t necessarily have a very vibrant life, that didn’t mean Eren didn’t, either.
Except… When Levi opened the door to his apartment, his hands full of groceries, he promptly dropped the bags, spilling oranges and apples all over his apartment floor.
Eren was lounging on one of the chairs by the kitchen island, snacking on a banana and scrolling on his phone. Upon Levi’s entrance, he looked up and lit up. “Levi-san!”
Levi just stood, staring at the boy in front of him, trying to calm his speeding heart. “Eren.”
Eren bounced out of his seat and raced to the front door to throw his arms around Levi, and for the second time, he let him. “I have a Christmas gift for you. Oh, and I think it could be doubled as a birthday present.”
“How do you know it’s my—”
“Come on!” Eren interjected, pulling Levi by the hand out of the door and down the apartment building stairs. “I’ll clean up the mess later.”
“Wait, wait, slow down—” Levi tried to counter but gave in, allowing himself to be dragged through the five flights of stairs and into the apartment garage. “Where are you…” He trailed off as he registered the grand sight in front of him. Finally, Eren slowed down to catch his breath, but Levi’s breath was only caught in his throat.
“Do you like it?” Eren asked expectantly.
It was an airplane. No, not a model airplane, an actual full-on airplane one or two people could pilot. It stood only a few feet tall, but it spanned a considerable amount of meters wide, taking up a few parking lot spaces. Yet—It was beautiful, Levi had to admit. There were stripes of a familiar blue, green, and white along the edges of the wings, and a similar set along the sides of the airplane. And it wasn’t just any airplane, Levi knew; it was the airplane they had spent the past couple of months building.
Levi didn’t know what to say; in fact, he was just stunned silent that Eren had somehow, just somehow, pulled this off. He stepped closer to the airplane and let his hand trace the edges of the distinctive badge Eren had painted on the left, bottom side of the airplane. “Does it fly?”
“Well, we’ll find out, won’t we?” Eren said from behind him.
Levi turned around to find Eren staring at the airplane as well. There was a peculiar glint in his eye. For some reason, Levi knew that if Eren had said that it did fly, he would have believed him immediately. “We,” Levi repeated.
A slow, warm smile slid onto Eren’s face as he looked Levi in the eyes. “Yeah. Like… in the summer or whenever you have time off, do you…” He took a deep breath. “Do you want to see the world with me, Levi-san?”
Levi stared at Eren and chose his next words carefully. “In another world, that sounds awfully like a marriage proposal.”
Eren laughed, but it was in a guarded way, like for the first time he didn’t know what Levi’s reaction would be. “In another world… you said yes.”
“What if I told you,” Levi started, stepping closer to him, “I’d say yes in this world, too?”
The smile on Eren’s face blossomed into the biggest smile Levi has ever seen before Eren finally closed the distance between them and reached over to kiss Levi. “I’m glad I found you again, Captain.”
That boy I could have loved was you, wasn’t it?