Chapter Text
The colors of fall flash by, the speed making them all blend into a mishmash, making it impossible to distinguish any specific. The leaves of the trees all look as if they have been painted, maybe a little extra today with the sunlight brightening everything in the world.
Everything except Wilhelm’s mood.
The first thought that comes to Wilhelm’s mind the first time Erik pulls the car up to Hillerska that September afternoon is to determine which one of the buildings in the school area that is the tallest.
Wilhelm has been at this place before, back when Erik was a student here. Wilhelm had to come with their parents sometimes to visit his older brother. He remembers with dread how everyone he’d met; other students, teachers, parents, all just had assumed he too would attend the same school one day, but that all Wilhelm could think was no, no, oh god, please no.
And he had almost made it. he had almost gotten out. But then he’d fucked up again and here they are now.
He has no idea right there and then why that is the first thought that comes to him, but it is. And even if neither of the buildings are especially tall, the main one where the classes take place, is the one fitting the description the best he concludes, even if he doesn’t know yet what to do with that particular information.
When Erik leaves him in the evening Wilhelm feels like the little hope there ever was leaves with him. Wilhelm knows he has screwed up, that they all are ashamed of him, that this is their way of getting rid of him, keeping him away from embarrassing them further. They might tell him that this is not a punishment, but how can it not be, when everything in him tells him he doesn’t want to be here? That this is wrong for him? And he has tried to tell them that, but they just don’t listen, they never have.
The gut wrenching feeling of It will always be like this won’t leave him and he knows that he can’t change who he is. He has tried, god knows he has, but he just can’t. He can’t be who they want him to be, who they try to shape him into being, no matter how much they try, no matter how much he tries. He knows he will just keep on disappointing them, forever.
All hope is definitely gone when he meets the rest of the Forest Ridge boys. All act nervously around him, like everyone always does, scared of voicing their own opinions in case they would clash with his. Wilhelm states what he always states; they have no interest in Wilhelm, only prince Wilhelm, and Wilhelm really doesn't know if he can cope with that any more.
But then there is something that makes him confused, that makes him sort of out of balance. He’s never experienced anything like it before, and it all comes down to that other boy. The one that is different from all the others.
Simon.
Wilhelm can’t deny that there is something about Simon that Wilhelm finds exciting and how there seems to be something inside of Wilhelm that wants to get to know him, to get closer to him in any way that he possibly can.
But why would he? Even if there is a tiny chance that Simon actually isn’t interested in him as the prince, why on earth would he be interested in Wilhelm as a person? He really can’t think of a single reason, there just isn't anything fascinating about him whatsoever, except for the fact that he happened to be born a prince.
And by the way, he can’t take the risk of letting anyone in again. He has done that before and it has never turned out good. Erik is constantly telling him to keep people away if you don’t know their motive, because there always is one. As soon as they know your weaknesses they use them against you. Wilhelm knows, he can never let anyone see who he really is again, can’t let anyone see any side of him that isn’t polished, again.
Weirdly enough, it’s during his initiation party that the thought first hits him and it does it with such force that he just can’t understand how he can’t have thought about it before.
He hates every second of the initiation, but he knows how it is. He has lived in this world for 16 years after all, tradition, tradition, tradition, it’s all that matters. And he plays along, because that’s what he’s supposed to do. It’s when he doesn’t that it gets problematic, that’s when he fucks up.
The time spent in front of the logs with Simon is the best part of the whole night. And the worst. Because when he leans in to put his hand over Simon’s mouth to shut him up, and when his eyes lock with Simon’s, there is a moment of absolute apparition in him. And for a second Wilhelm can see a different path, a different outcome, a different life. It’s earth-shattering really, how those dark brown eyes so clearly can indicate a future in which he actually might have a chance of happiness, a chance to leave all of this that he hates behind, to be who he really wants to be.
But he knows he can’t. And the understanding of the fact that he might be different in that area too, adds to the reasons he knows he has to do it, because there is just no way they’re going to accept him like that and he really has no idea in what end to even begin to untangle it all.
And the reason that there might be an alternative, in some parallel universe in which he’ll never live, where he could have explored those emotions he gets when Simon looks at him also adds to his decision. What is the point of being here if you can’t live the life you want? If he can never get the full experience of those emotions?
He can’t do this anymore, can’t stay in this shell made for someone else. The suit they have made might be tailored, but not for him, it just doesn’t fit. It’s made for a prince, made for someone that is not him.
When Simon leaves that night, Wilhelm stays where he is, on the ground. The night is getting cold, white smoke emerges from his mouth when he breathes. He can feel the alcohol wearing off in his body, how his mind slowly becomes his own again. Once again he stares at the top of the tallest building in the school area. It feels so obvious now that he sees it, so crystal clear. He knows what he has to do.
There are other ways he could go on about this. But there is something so impudently peaceful about taking pills and just falling asleep, in a way he knows he doesn’t deserve. And the knife is out of question since he really can’t stand blood and would probably not be able to go through with it if he tried. He knows there is a risk that the building might not be high enough, but that is just a risk he’ll have to take.
He’d read an article somewhere, written by a psychologist, who had interviewed survivors who had tried to take their own lives by jumping off the highest bridge in Sweden and survived. It was fascinating really how they all had said the same thing. They all described how when they had been falling, right before they had hit the water, all of them had had the same revelation. In that moment, while they were falling, they all had known that all of their problems, all of the impossibilities and reasons why they had decided to do what they did, were in fact not impossibilities at all. They had all realized that every problem, every reason, could be fixed, that they could find a solution to all of them.
Except for the fact that they’d just thrown themself off the highest bridge in Sweden.
Wilhelm can’t help to think about that and he feels a sort of calm he’s not used to feeling, settling within himself. He feels as if he can breathe properly for the first time in forever. He feels for the first time since he can remember how the air reaches his lungs and doesn't just stop at the very top of his chest.
That article may have been a way to enlighten and prevent people with similar plans to do the same, but Wilhelm is longing for the same kind of revelation himself. He has searched for it for some time and he just can’t seem to find it anywhere. So if that is the only way to get it, then so be it.
He decides he’ll give himself the rest of the weekend to enjoy the little things one more time. To feel the sun against his skin, to taste some food he likes, listening to his favorite music. He’ll hear Erik’s voice one last time, and possibly even his laugh, even if it’ll just be through the phone. He will tell Erik he loves him. Then on Monday he will do it.
On Monday he will fall.