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PAST

The creaking of the old swing set rusting away in Gina’s backyard fit the unsettling tone of the day perfectly, in a way the weather couldn’t. The bright sunny sky and soft floating clouds were misleading – the day was anything but cheerful.

Gina had just watched her father get lowered into the ground. She wished the sky would show some consideration for her somber mood.

She clutched the chain between her hands, willing for the uncomfortable pinching of it on the palms of her hands to distract her from the incessant aching that seemed to gnaw a pit into the depths of her stomach without letup. But, she knew nothing could ever really distract her. The pain was like white noise, impossible to describe but still always there, crackling in the corners of her mind.

She swung mindlessly a few times before she heard the screen door leading out into her backyard slide open. She knew who it was without turning her head, and her suspicions were confirmed when she saw Ricky in front of her a second later, a plate of various finger foods on hand. He gave her a small smile, his own sadness shining through in his glossy eyes, and he kneeled down in front of her, reaching a hand out to gently rub up and down her upper arm.

“Hey,” he said, voice soft, eyes never leaving her, “I brought some food. I haven’t seen you eat all day.”

Gina’s heart cracked a little at the gentle concern in his voice, not pushy, but with so much care she thought she might cry again for the umpteenth time that day. Letting go of the chain with one of her hands, she reached forward to fiddle with the rolled up cuff of Ricky’s dress shirt, “I’m not hungry.”

“I know,” Ricky said simply, his eyes traveling to where her fingers brushed against his forearm, before catching her gaze once again, “But, I made you those mini quiches I said I’d try after that party we went to. You know, when I said I could do it better? You’re the judge of that.”

Gina didn’t smile, but her heart did. She leaned forward to pluck one off the plate and placed it in her mouth, chewing deliberately before humming lightly, “You’re right. You did it better.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, Ricky having put the plate down to settle himself on the swing beside her. Gina felt a sense of calmness permeate through her in the presence of her best friend. She was a mess that day, barely able to speak two words to anyone without sobbing, but Ricky always knew exactly what to say, what to do, how to treat her, that she felt comfortable just existing around him. She felt comfortable to just be there, in her grief, beside him.

“You know, my dad was telling me a funny story about your dad and this swing set just now,” Ricky spoke up after a while, and Gina turned her head slightly to look at him, at his side profile, before he turned his head to catch her eye, always attuned to her, always aware when she was paying him attention.

“What did he say?”

Gina could use some nice memories. She was tired of the pitying looks and clinical words of condolences her mother’s friends and her distant relatives were giving her.

“Apparently when we were babies, your dad had this great idea to buy this swing set deconstructed. My dad told him to just buy one already made up, but yours was insistent that he make it himself; something about only wanting the best for his little princess.”

“That sounds like him,” Gina smiled slightly, tilting her head in fondness over her father’s big heart, and over the fact that Ricky knew exactly how to lift her deadened spirits, even if it was only minutely.

“It does,” Ricky agreed, “Apparently it took him three whole days to put it together, amongst several breakdowns and visits from my dad for beer breaks. When he did construct it, we were both too little to even fit in the seats, so it ended up being a total waste of time for at least a year.”

A small laugh bubbled out of Gina’s mouth, and Ricky’s eyes lit up at the sound of it, his own chuckle tumbling from him, “He never could let anyone help him. I guess it’s where I get it from. It’s a terrible quality.”

“It’s what makes you, you,” Ricky countered, “It couldn’t be terrible. Nothing about you is.”

Gina’s heart grew three sizes, and despite the utter despair that had settled in her bones, she also felt a chill creep over her skin at his words. The truth of the matter was Ricky was her best friend, of course he was. He knew every last thing about her, and had since she was born. Their families had always been close. He knew how to make her laugh, and he called when she was upset even without her having said anything to him, and he was her biggest supporter in her dance, and he knew how to make her happy in a numerous other amount of ways.

Ricky was her best friend. He was the best .

And she was in love with him.

That’s what broke her heart the most, after the tragedy that was her father’s death, because she couldn’t pursue anything with him – even though she suspected he felt the same way, if his lingering stares and blushing cheeks and gentle touches were anything to go by.

Finally, she blurted out, “I’m moving away.”

Ricky froze for a moment, as if he hadn’t heard her correctly, before his lip began to tremble in disbelief, and he whispered, “...What?”

“I’m so sorry, Ricky,” Gina could feel tears stinging behind her eyes, her words clogging in the back of her throat painfully, “I tried to convince mom to stay, but she says she has nothing left here. Salt Lake is dad’s home, and… and she wants to be with our family now in her hometown. I begged her, but she told me she couldn’t handle being here by herself without dad.”

Ricky stared at her, his eyes wide and disbelieving, his hands clenched into fists so tightly she could see his knuckles turn white, “You could stay with us. You could stay here , all of your friends are here. I –”

His voice cracked a little, and the first few tears slipped down his face, “ I’m here. I can’t lose you, Gina.”

“I already tried that,” Gina shook her head, seeing Ricky cry now giving her permission to let her own tears loose too, “Mom wants me with her and - and I can’t leave her. Not now that it’s just us two. I have to go with her.”

“Of course,” Ricky nodded, understanding painted on his features, but an aching pain shining through his eyes, “That was stupid of me to say. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Gina leaned forward and clutched one of his hands, feeling it tremble beneath her grip, knowing hers was doing much the same, “I thought the same thing at first. I don’t want to leave you, Ricky. You’re my best friend.”

I love you. I’m in love with you.

But, she couldn’t say it. She couldn’t put that burden on him, now that she wasn’t going to be there with him. So, she just watched him, hoping what she was trying to say was clear in the way she looked at him. Ricky’s eyes flickered back and forth between her own, glistening with his tears, his nose ruddy from emotion. Seemingly picking up on what she was trying to tell him, though how accurately she would never know, Ricky nodded, before dropping his head in despair.

He lifted their connected hands up to meet his lips, kissing her knuckles softly, letting his thumb brush over skin. Gina let out a shuddering breath, a whimper of sadness escaping her, and Ricky’s head shot up, seeing the tears now steadily streaming down her face.

“Don’t cry,” Ricky said in alarm, though he wasn’t one to talk – his own tears leaving a track down his cheeks and meeting at the tip of his chin. He scooted forward and enveloped Gina into a hug, both arms securely around her as he rested his chin on top of her head, hands rubbing soothingly along her spine.

Gina wrapped her own arms around his middle, clutching at the fabric of his shirt and burying her nose into his chest, breathing in the scent of him that she loved so much, that she considered the aroma of home. Her words came out in hiccups as she spoke, “I’ll never forget you.”

They wept in each other’s arms for a moment longer, before Ricky seemed to resolve something within himself and pulled back, one hand on her shoulder, the other gently wiping away at her tears, “Of course you won’t – because we’ll keep in touch. I’m going to call you everyday. You’ll be sick of me.”

Gina laughed with no real humor, wondering if they could really maintain their relationship, but wanting desperately for it to work. So, all she said was, “Okay.”

“We’re going to be okay,” Ricky said, nodding firmly, leaning forward and pressing a lingering kiss to Gina’s forehead.

The skin where his lips touched warmed just slightly, and Gina relished in the feeling of it, her eyes fluttering closed as she leaned into Ricky’s touch, unsure whether she’d ever feel this form of comfort ever again.

Life had a funny way of being cruel, and often dealt in threes. Gina had lost her father. Gina was losing her home. Gina would lose Ricky.

PRESENT

Ripping up a paper napkin absentmindedly in some hipster campus café Nini had found on Google, Ricky could only think about one thing – it was the anniversary of Gina’s father’s death. He thought about her, more often than he liked to admit, especially since they hadn’t spoken in just under two years. The ache of not having her still lingered, though it was quieter now. Something only days like that day could drudge up, days where the memories were so deep seated it was impossible not to think of her.

He knew it wasn’t fair on Nini – his girlfriend he had met six months ago in a shared economics class. He knew she deserved better than to have someone who could only put in a half hearted effort. But, she was light and she was fun and she was distracting. She was from Salt Lake City like him – she was a reminder of home in a way that didn’t make him want to tear his hair out the way the reminder of his mother or even Gina made him want to.

Nini reappeared from inside the café with two mugs in hand, placing them on the table, before leaning forward and pressing a soft peck to his lips, a happy smile on her face. She had no idea what this day meant for Ricky. It wasn’t likely he’d ever tell her, either.

He was such an asshole.

“I thought I’d do something a little different, so I ordered our coffees with macadamia milk,” she ripped open a sugar packet and dumped its contents into her mug, stirring three times before licking the excess foam off of the spoon, “I hope that’s okay. Apparently it’s made on site.”

Ricky took a small sip, not one for sugar in his coffee, and hummed lightly, “Tastes like macadamia.”

Nini giggled softly, an adoring look in her eyes, and Ricky thought about how Gina would’ve rolled her eyes at a comment like that, would’ve teased him for stating the obvious, before agreeing with him.

“So…there was actually a reason I wanted to meet up with you,” Nini started speaking slowly, trepidation and excitement mixed into one, and Ricky could see her foot tapping incessantly below the table. She began speaking, but Ricky had zoned out, taking the prize for being the worst boyfriend ever.

It was hard to think about anyone but Gina on that day, hard not to think about Mr Porter hoisting the two of them on his shoulders and spinning them around while they squealed as children. It was hard not to think about Mr Porter teasing the two of them, saying they were more of a married couple than him and Terri were. It was hard not to think about Gina, broken and lifeless, sobbing on her bedroom floor after she got the call from her mom breaking the news about her father’s death.

It was even harder when he knew he couldn’t even call her. She hadn’t picked up a call from him since…

He didn’t want to think about it.

But, it was all he could do.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Ricky was looking somewhere past Nini’s shoulder while she talked, nodding absently along to whatever she was saying, when he spotted her. A halo of curls bouncing around her head, her steps graceful in a way only a dancer’s could be, head tilted down as she frowned at her campus map, not taking stock of her surroundings.

And just like that, Gina Porter had slipped away around a corner.

“What I’m trying to say is I love you, Ricky.”

Ricky’s head whipped to Nini, not really having heard what she said. He scrambled up from his seat, knocking his wallet to the ground in the process. Bending over in haste to pick it up and stuffing it in his jeans pocket, he spluttered, “That’s great, Neens. I – I have to go see someone really quick. Don’t wait up!”

“Huh? Wait, Ricky!”

But, he was already bounding around the corner, frantic in his effort to catch up with her – Gina, of all people, on that day of all days. He had to speak to her. He couldn’t let her slip away.

She had paused in the middle of the walkway, frowning once again at the map, turning it in all sorts of directions as she tried to make sense of it. Her lip was pulled in by her teeth, her curls tickling the sides of her face which were flushed from the cold, and Ricky thought he felt the air get vacuumed from his lungs watching her. It really was her.

She looked the same, yet so different. Still stunning, still the most angelic person Ricky had ever laid his eyes on, but older, more mature, a more stoic nature to the way she held herself, rather than the youthful energy he was used to from their years together.

“Gina,” he whispered, still unable to process the fact that she was right in front of him.

Clearly, he had spoken loud enough for her to hear, because she lifted her gaze up from her map and caught eye contact with him immediately. Her mouth dropped slightly when she saw him, eyes flickering over him like she was trying to decide whether she was seeing things, before she responded, “Ricky?”

Ricky took a step forward, desperate to sweep her into his arms and spin her around, ecstatic to see her after so long. Then, he remembered himself, remembered that they were not like that anymore, and he stepped back again, clearing his throat.

“What – what are you doing here?”

She stared at him for a moment, her mouth opening and closing. Then, “I’m studying here. It’s my freshman year. You - you’d be in your second year now, right?”

Ricky bit back a mean response, a cutting remark of you would know for sure if you’d kept in touch with me . Instead, he kept his answer mild, knowing, sensing that on that day of all days she needed his kindness. She was at his school. He had plenty of time to get answers later.

“Yeah, studying music.”

Gina’s eyes lit up a little, and she bit her lip, her hand rubbing her other arm’s elbow nervously, “That’s – you always said you would. I’m glad.”

Ricky nodded, hating the sluggish awkwardness between them, his mind screaming at them to just fall into their usual pattern, “And you? Are you here to dance?”

“Yeah,” Gina smiled lightly, looking down, “Dad always said I’d make a perfect ballerina.”

At those words, at the drop in tone in Gina’s voice, Ricky decided he really would take a step forward, and then two more, until she had to lift her face to look him in the eye. He wanted so badly to hug her, to hold her face, to do something that used to come so naturally to them. He knew he couldn’t, so instead he said, “I was thinking of you today. I’m – I’m always thinking of you.”

Ricky watched Gina swallow, watched her throat bob with the movement, the slender line of her neck that was just as enticing to him now as it was when he was a teenager. He flickered his eyes back up to hers, noticing something intense behind them, something he couldn’t name when before he used to be able to read her so effortlessly.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she whispered.

“Ricky?”

Ricky snapped to attention at Nini’s voice coming from behind, taking a step away from the girl he had been dreaming of for two years. He felt like he had been caught out, even though all Gina and him were really doing was staring awkwardly at the other.

“Nini, you followed me,” he said, quickly glancing back at Gina, who was watching them curiously.

“Well, I freaked out when you ran off after I told you I –” she paused, crossing her arms defensively, looking with uncertainty over at Gina, who looked put together and perfect the way she always did, “Who’s this?”

Ricky swallowed, knowing Nini didn’t know how loaded that question really was. How did one explain their relationship? Childhood best friends? The right person at the wrong time? Soulmates? Ricky felt his stomach curdle at his thoughts, realizing that his girlfriend was waiting for an answer.

“Uh, this is Gina,” Ricky cleared his throat, the tension buzzing between the three of them eating away at him, “We grew up together. I haven’t seen her in a while, so when I saw her it shocked me. Sorry for bolting like that.”

“Oh,” Nini replied, relaxing a little bit, but still noticeably uncomfortable. She turned her attention to Gina and smiled tightly, but sounded genuine enough when she spoke again, “Nice to meet you. I’m Nina, Ricky’s girlfriend.”

Ricky winced a little at the reminder, hoping Nini didn’t catch it, and he looked over at Gina again, who looked stricken at the news. It was only for a split second, noticeable only to him – he who used to be able to read her like a book – before she dropped into an easy smile, ever the actress.

“Nice to meet you, too,” the map in Gina’s hand crumpled a little as she shifted her weight, and then she spoke, “I should probably get going. I need to find my next class before I’m more late than I already am.”

“I can help you,” Ricky offered, itching to be with her now that he had found her again.

“That’s okay, Ricky,” she smiled, but it read more like a grimace, “I’ll be fine by myself.”

The words hurt him more than he thought she realized, swirling around in his mind. She would be fine by herself. She didn’t need him. She never did need him. Not the way he needed her.

Then, she walked away, as if they hadn’t just seen each other again for the first time in two years. As if she hadn’t ripped his heart from its resting place and crushed in between her fingers. His chest felt vacant, a gaping hole where his heart was supposed to reside.

After a few moments of watching her walk away, he turned back to Nini, smiling apologetically at her.

“Sorry,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’ve had a weird day. You were saying something before I rudely left – what was it?”

Nini looked at him, a slight furrow in her brow.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

PAST

Feet in her lap, some movie from the 60s playing in the background, Ricky watched as Gina masterfully pulled needle through fabric, the bright orange thread Ricky had chosen stark against the dark wash denim. He threw a few more pieces of popcorn in his mouth, smiling lightly at the chibi frog patch that Gina insisted she stitch onto Ricky’s jacket when she had spotted the hole at the elbow.

“You know,” Gina broke the silence between them, her tongue poking out just slightly in a way that made Ricky’s heart flutter – she was just so adorable, “You’re supposed to be watching the movie, not staring at me, you stalker.”

She nudged one of Ricky’s sock clad feet playfully, looking up from her handiwork to send him a teasing smile, before poking the needle through the fabric once more.

“You’re far more interesting,” Ricky replied easily, “Prettier, too.”

Gina rolled her eyes, staring determinedly at his jacket, though Ricky could’ve sworn the ruddiness in her cheeks deepened slightly. Grinning at his success in amusing her, he pulled his feet from her lap so he could scooch closer to her, so they were shoulder to shoulder. He gently gripped the fabric of his sleeve between his fingers, pulling at it so he could get a closer look, but yelped slightly when Gina slapped his hand away.

“No touching until it’s finished! You’ll pull a thread.”

“I just wanted to see a master at work,” he nudged her slightly, not enough to jostle her hands, but enough so the pressure between their shoulders could be felt.

“You can see when it’s done,” she elbowed him back, and he laughed at her faux annoyance, “I can’t believe you want to teach me to skate when this is what happens to your clothes because of it. Imagine me , stacking it and ripping a hole in one of my vintage cardigans.”

“You could always borrow one of my sweaters,” Ricky suggested, resting his head on Gina’s shoulder and getting comfy.

“I already have like five of them,” she mumbled, still focused on her task.

Ricky sprung up, “So you admit! You are the one who’s been stealing my clothes!”

Redness erupted onto Gina’s cheeks as she avoided Ricky’s gaze, “What? Who said that?”

Ricky poked her arm teasingly, and in a sing-song voice, dragging out the vowels of the last word in the statements, he said, “You love my clothes ! You think they’re comfy !”

“I like the way the sleeves cover my hands. …And it smells like you,” Gina muttered, the flush on her cheeks making her positively glow.

Ricky felt the wind get knocked from his lungs at her words, at the sight of her, bashful and pouting and beautiful. Not for the first time in his teenage years, Ricky had the sudden and incessant urge to kiss her – and not in the innocent way they had practiced together when they were younger.

He wanted to know what her soft pout would feel like fully pressed against his own lips, he wanted to know if kissing your best friend – the person who knew you completely – really was as rewarding as all the movies made it out to be. He wanted to feel her heated cheeks beneath his hands as he held her, as he took his time to kiss all over her face.

His own blush surged over his chest and cheekbones, but he couldn’t look away from her as she finished her final touches on his patched jacket. It was in that quiet moment, with Gina’s arm pressed against his, her warmth seeping into him like a comfort blankie, that he realized.

He loved her. He always had – for as long as he could remember. But, this was different. He was in love with her. They already shared everything, their thoughts, their time, their support – but he wanted more. He wanted to be able to hold her and kiss her and compliment her silly without getting curious looks from their parents. He wanted her, because he loved her.

He opened his mouth to tell her as such, when she bounced in her spot and turned around, holding up the sleeve of his jacket into his direct line of sight, “All done! Isn’t it cute?”

The chibi frog patch stared back at him, and he took the jacket from Gina’s hands to study her careful craftsmanship, before looking up and meeting her gaze with a fond smile. She looked so excited by her work, that he didn’t want to ruin the moment with his own selfish thinking.

While he suspected maybe Gina shared similar feelings, whether she realized them or not, he wanted his admission of them to be perfect. She deserved perfection.

So, he decided to wait to tell her. They had all the time in the world. They would always be together.

What could possibly split them apart?

PRESENT

After taking an unheard of amount of time to find the campus library – her sense of direction never having been her strong suit – Gina sighed as she entered the building, mentally checking off everything she needed to do for her day off to study. She couldn’t believe just how much work she already had to do in just a week of classes, but she was determined to stay on top of her schoolwork and not let any procrastinating tendencies get the better of her.

She would see just how long that resolve held up.

She was having a late morning, it being a little before noon by the time she got to the library, her having gotten lost not helping in the time efficiency front. Due to this, when she walked into the library, she noticed a lot of the tables had already been filled up. She loitered around for a while, trying to spot a vacancy, when she found a table almost totally empty, save for one man who had fallen asleep on top of his books.

Smiling in amusement, she made her way over to it. Beginning to pull her books from her bag, she inched closer, and then stopped short when she saw just who the sleeping man was.

Ricky.

She still could hardly believe that he was there, in the same college as her, after almost years of not speaking to him. Seeing him again after all that time was a messy contradiction of emotion, a feeling of relief at being close to him again and a panic at having to explain herself to him at war within her. She barely knew what to say to him, stuck still and in awe of the fact that he was standing close enough that she could reach out and run her fingers through his hair, the way he used to practically purr over whenever he used to rest his head in her lap.

Then, the moment was ruined when Nini, his girlfriend , had shown up.

Gina knew she had no right to be upset. She was the one who left. She was the one who ceased all contact between them. But, the thought that Ricky had moved on sent a blow through her as brutally painful as a bullet would, and she knew she couldn’t stick around long enough to see the way he acted around his girlfriend. She couldn’t see him be touchy and complimentary and fond of her the way they used to be together – even if they had never explicitly been together .

It was for that reason that she hesitated going up to him. Would he even want to see her?

Ultimately, she decided to throw caution to the wind. Things were different. Things didn’t have to be awkward between them. Even if a part of her never really fell out of love with her childhood friend.

She scrubbed the thought from her mind, and quietly approached the table, thinking maybe if she was discreet enough, she might not even wake him. Her delusions were short lived however, when sun-kissed tinged lashes fluttered open at the sound of her shuffling. He blinked lazily at her for a moment, clearly processing what he was seeing, before he shot up in his seat.

“Gina!”

Someone on another table turned around with a harsh frown and shushed him, and he winced and lifted a hand in apology, before turning back to Gina, “You’re here.”

“I hope this is okay,” Gina said in a low voice, shifting awkwardly in her seat, “There were no other seats open.”

“Of course it’s okay,” Ricky insisted, subconsciously scooching his chair a little closer to hers, “I – I was hoping I would see you again after last week.”

Gina felt the tenseness within her settle, and she relaxed a little in her seat, “Sorry for just running off like that. It was a tough day – you know why.”

“Yeah, I do,” Ricky nodded, a concerned look filtering through his gaze, and Gina marveled at how quick he was to understand her even after all that time apart, “How are you? Really?”

“I have good days and bad days. It’s definitely not as a debilitating as it was when –”

When I left. The unsaid words linger between them, but Gina knew Ricky could tell what she was going to say when he nodded slowly, his hands fidgeting in his lap as if he was stopping himself from reaching out to her. She wished he had.

“And how is your mom? I miss her,” Ricky asked, pivoting the conversation away from the topics that hurt – though a lot of them did in their relationship, as strained and distant as it was. God, they were a mess.

“She’s fine,” Gina smiled softly, “She’s been planning on traveling a lot now that I’m away for school. She claims she was never built for staying in one place.”

“Sounds like you,” Ricky commented, a warmth seeping into his eyes, his smile causing them to crease at the corners ever so slightly, “Remember that one summer we tried to convince our parents to road trip us around the entire country?”

“How could I forget? It was a logistical nightmare.”

Ricky chuckled softly, and Gina felt herself relax even further, its mellow sound soothing her deep in her soul. She had missed it. She had missed him.

“And what about you? How’s Mike?”

“Remarried,” Ricky replied, a slight half smile on his lips, “You’re going to get a kick out of this – to Miss Jenn.”

“Miss Jenn, as in my drama teacher Miss Jenn?” Gina spluttered, her jaw dropping to the ground.

“The one and only,” Ricky nodded, amusement crinkling at his eyes at her reaction, “She even convinced me to join the drama club in my senior year. It was actually kind of the best decision I ever made.”

“Ricky Bowen, secret theater nerd,” Gina marveled, a sadness permeating through her that she missed that pivotal moment in his life, “I wish I could have seen you.”

A silence grew between them, thick and heavy, and Ricky wasn’t looking at her anymore, and Gina was anxious that she had ruined the moment for them again. She watched as he tapped at his jean clad knees, ever moving as he always had been, and she watched as a determined look set on his face.

He looked back up at her, only faltering slightly when he noticed her already watching, before he said, “I’m sure I still have footage of the very badly made fancams Carlos edited after my debut performance as Troy Bolton. Oh yeah – Carlos is kind of my best bro now.”

“You and Carlos Rodriguez?” Gina’s eyes widened, before she laughed, “You know what? I can see it. He’s rigid to the point of breaking and you’re the most frustratingly nonchalant person I know. You’d balance each other out – a match made in chaotic heaven.”

“See, you get it,” Ricky grinned lazily, before he glanced around, noticing they were getting glares from the surrounding people in the library, “I’ll show you the videos, but maybe not here.”

He hesitated for a second, as if contemplating whether he should say what he wanted to, before he swallowed and went for it, “If you want, I can buy you a coffee. We can catch up properly.”

Gina felt a jumble of butterflies in her stomach at the hopeful look in his eyes, big and doe-like, and it took all of her not to yell her answer to him, “ Yes . Yes, I’d love that. I – I have so much to tell you.”

He smiled at her, and the butterflies evolved into flames at the sight of his fond gaze, a look she didn’t think she’d see from him ever again. He held out his hand for her to take, and she did immediately, almost jerking back at the spark she felt shoot up her arm, their palms sliding against each other’s, her hand the perfect size to slot comfortably in his the way it always had been.

She couldn’t look away from him when he spoke next, “I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

PAST

Raindrops drizzled down her window as Gina looked out into the gray sky, the weather perfect for a movie night – something she couldn’t bring herself to do without Ricky.

It had been a month since she had moved away, and the toll of her other half being severed from her was more bleak than she had anticipated. She could barely bring herself to do anything she used to enjoy doing, the memory of him doing them alongside her stinging her too much whenever she tried.

So, she just sat, and she watched the rain, and she listened to the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees situated just outside her room, and she felt sorry for herself. Sorry that she couldn’t move past this. Sorry that the one person who could get her out of a rut like that, her father, was no longer with her. Sorry that her best friend in the world, who would know exactly how to comfort her when she had no motivation to do anything else, was miles away.

She looked down at her phone, her text thread with Ricky open and showing their most recent conversation from that morning – a picture of Gina holding a spatula, posing in front of a pan while she flipped pancakes. At first glance, it was a happy picture. But, with a little more time, someone looking closely could see the dark smudges beneath her eyes, the lifeless expression of them. She was not herself, and she could tell Ricky knew it, if his response was anything to go by.

From Ricky: tired baby :(

From Ricky: i wish i was there. i would eat your pancakes and force you to snuggle with me to warm me up!

Gina knew he was trying to cheer her up, but it honestly made her feel worse, knowing that no matter how much they both wanted that, they couldn’t have it. It was making her angry, an ugly feeling permeating through her and giving her a bitter taste in her mouth. When she hadn’t responded for a few minutes, she saw the bubbles of Ricky typing pop up before he sent a third message.

From Ricky: facetime tonight? i miss your voice

Gina’s heart broke a little. She missed his voice too, but more than that, she missed hearing his voice in person – not the tinny quality of it that sounded from her phone. She missed the way the deepness of it hugged her senses, its melodious tone rich and shiver inducing when he would whisper his commentary into her ear whenever they were out together.

Still, she responded in the affirmative.

From Gina: of course. i miss you more

From Ricky: i miss you most

She hadn’t responded to that one, knowing deep in her soul that it wasn’t true. She missed him so much it physically pained her, an ache deep in her stomach that left her feeling nauseous. The loss of her father was hurtful enough, a thorn deep within her skin that couldn’t be removed, but being like that with Ricky was torturous. Having him with her, but not really was slowly driving her to madness, and she didn’t know how much more she could take.

She had to move on from it – she knew that holding on to what they had was going to be impossible to maintain. They would never be the same as they were with miles separating them, and it was only hurting them both.

They needed to let each other go. Neither of them could grow, could learn to live without the other, if they clung on to something that could never truly be whole again. It was killing them. It was killing her .

She remembered Lynne speaking to Ricky when she was sleeping over one night, when they had both thought she was asleep, and a few weeks before Lynne had left her husband and son for good, without a note or a word.

She had said, “Ricky, sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you truly love is let them go.”

Gina had always sneered at the comment, thinking it as some awful excuse Lynne had used to justify abandoning her only son. But now, she could see some merit to her words. Even if she still didn’t think it was necessarily the right thing to do, she thought it was the only thing to do if she was going to save her heart, and Ricky’s.

So, when Ricky FaceTimed her that night, the picture she had taken of him doing a headstand a few years earlier when their families had been on a camping trip together lighting up her screen, she simply let it ring out.

He had called her multiple times, every day, for a week.

Each time, she let it ring out.

Eventually, he stopped calling.

PRESENT

Ricky was sure his hair looked a mess from running his hand through it in frustration as he shouldered his way into a café – the same one he had shouted Gina a coffee at some time ago. It had become a weekly thing, catch ups and coffee with Gina, and it had very quickly become the thing he looked forward to the most each week.

And it was totally innocent, if you looked past the meaningful stares and the intertwined fingers and the deep conversations he could have with Gina that he couldn’t have with anyone else. He just couldn’t live without Gina now that she was back in his life again, and he knew that it would be impossible to explain to Nini, who hadn’t been there when they grew up together, which is exactly why he hadn’t told her about it.

In hindsight, it wasn’t the smartest decision he had ever made. When Nini eventually became suspicious enough to ask where he was going every Monday afternoon, and who he had been texting practically every minute of every day, he knew he couldn’t lie to her, and her response had been less than stellar.

It was the worst argument he had ever had with Nini. She implied he was being unfaithful. He retorted that he wasn’t cheating, that they were just talking. She replied that emotional cheating was just as sinister as physical cheating. He had countered that she didn’t understand him the way Gina did.

She had stared at him, looking hurt, chest heaving. She had walked out, slamming the door behind her.

He had felt immensely guilty.

He left to meet up with Gina anyway.

When Ricky spotted Gina in their usual booth, he relaxed just slightly, making a beeline toward her.

As he slid into his seat, chucking his keys and phone on the table, and wrapping his hands around the warmth of the mug – Gina clearly having ordered for him already – he sighed, “Sorry I’m late. Were you waiting long?”

Gina closed the textbooks she had been perusing while she waited, sending him a smile and pushing half of a savory muffin his way, having already eaten her share, “Not long. What happened?”

“Uh…” Ricky considered lying, or at least avoiding the truth, but one look into Gina’s probing eyes, her head tilted in that way that made him want to spill all of his secrets to her, and he immediately caved, “Nini and I, we – we got into a fight.”

“Oh,” Gina frowned, her fingernail tapping at the tabletop, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it was a stupid fight,” Ricky mumbled, sinking slightly into his seat, not wanting to elaborate, but knowing Gina was a thief when it came to his thoughts, able to stealthily sneak her way past his defenses and snatch away his worries like it was nothing.

“What was it about?”

Ricky swallowed uncomfortably, before replying, “You.”

“Me?” Gina frowned, and Ricky rushed to elaborate.

“She – she found out about our weekly meetups. I think she thought it was something that it’s not. Like I said, it was stupid.”

“You hadn’t told her about this?” Gina’s frown harshened a little, and Ricky felt his stomach fall.

“No, because I knew she would react this way,” he tried to justify himself, leaning forward to catch her eye, to look at Gina imploringly, “You know how hard it is to explain what we are to people. We have this… insane connection.”

Gina softened, but she still sat rigidly, a tense expression on her face, “I know that, but think about this from Nini’s perspective. To her, it looks like you’ve been meeting up with another woman every week behind her back for months. Of course she got the wrong idea.”

Ricky’s mind immediately jumped to the thought that Nini would actually be right to have that idea. In the weeks he had been growing closer with Gina again, he could feel that familiar tug in his heart, that string that bound them together inching them tighter, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he fell completely and irrevocably in love with her again – if he wasn’t already there.

But, he couldn’t say all of that. Not when things were so uncertain between them. So, Ricky said instead, “She can’t stop me from seeing my best friend. Do you want our weekly catch ups to end?”

“You know I don’t. But, I don’t think you’re being very fair,” Gina countered, leaning forward to rest her hand on top of his, trying to get him to see reason, but the action only further clouded his judgment, “You love her.”

“I don’t,” Ricky immediately shot back, flushing in embarrassment at how quickly he denied it, but needing Gina to know the truth, “I don’t love her. I know I should. On paper, everything is perfect between us but – but I just don’t feel whatever it is I’m supposed to feel for Nini. She makes it so easy to love her, and I just don’t.”

Ricky could’ve sworn he felt Gina’s hand tremble slightly over his when she asked, “And what are you supposed to feel for her?”

Shifting his hand, so his palm was now sliding against hers, fingers brushing delicately over the veins at her wrist and drawing a shiver from her in a way he used to delight in doing all those years ago, Ricky answered her while never letting his eyes stray from hers, “I’m supposed to feel like there’s a future with her. I’m supposed to feel like I can tell her anything, and that whatever I say she’ll understand, or at least try to. My heart is supposed to thump out of my chest every time I see her, because she leaves me in awe of her and I can't think of a single other person I would prefer to spend time with.”

He knew he was coming on too strong, he could sense it when the color in Gina’s cheeks deepened considerably, and her lips parted in shock at his statement. He knew that she could tell he was talking about her , because really who else would he be talking about? It had always been Gina for him.

Eyes flickering madly about Ricky’s face, Gina swallowed harshly, shifting her hand away from his grip, then placing it back where it was, before ultimately deciding to pull back entirely. She stood up from her seat, her chest heaving slightly, grabbing her bag and spluttering in a flustered tone, “I should go. I – I have an assignment due tonight.”

He stood quickly as well, grabbing her wrist gently before she could walk away, tugging at her so she was facing him. They stood eye to eye, almost nose to nose, and Ricky could feel her short wisps of breath fanning across his lips. He tried his best not to lick them, feeling crazy and calm all at once.

“Are we okay?”

Gina looked at him like a deer caught in headlights, her eyes a conflicting mess of emotion. She seemed to lean into him slightly, her sparkling brown eyes dipping to look at his lips, and Ricky felt his heart stutter in his chest – ready to risk it all for her if she wanted to take that step. He’d been waiting his whole life for it after all.

Then, she seemed to gain awareness of herself, and jerked her wrist from his grip. He let her go, watched as she scrambled out of the café, pausing at the door to look at him over her shoulder one more time before exiting the establishment.

Ricky felt his lips tingle from the heat of her gaze.

He worried she would never speak to him again.

PAST

Music thumped in Ricky’s ears as he slumped on a couch next to a couple that was making out with no qualms about him having been there first. He was supposed to be having a good time – that’s what high school parties were all about – but instead he just felt sour.

There were two causes for this.

First, Gina was mad at him. She had refused to talk to him since the beginning of the night, purposely avoiding eye contact with him and ignoring his remarks to her as if she couldn’t hear him. He was sitting on that damn couch, hoping Gina would accidentally lift her gaze while she was dancing and he could finally get her to just look at him. But, it seemed she was more aware of him than she was letting on, because she danced deliberately with her back to him, arms wrapped around her boyfriend like there was no one else in the world.

Ricky scowled. The thought of the guy brought him to his second cause of bitterness – Gina’s new boyfriend. Ricky knew intellectually that both him and Gina would eventually start dating people, and that would mean they would see less of each other, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it. He hated the idea of Gina spending all of her time with someone else, leaving him behind, creating new inside jokes and forgetting about him entirely.

It didn’t help that the guy she had decided to date was a total tool. He didn’t know much about EJ Caswell, but the little he did know turned him off of the athlete completely. Ricky had no idea how someone so boring, someone who was such a loser in his eyes, could have pulled the absolute force that was Gina Porter, but it grinded his gears to no end.

Gina deserved the absolute world. Ricky was certain that didn’t include Caswell.

He watched Gina for a little longer, all the while getting nudged in the ribs from the frisky couple beside him. He shoved them away, and they barely took any note of him, just as EJ leaned down to whisper something into Gina’s ear. She looked at him with an amused smile, and a flush on her cheeks, leaning her forehead into his chest and giggling into it, and something snapped inside Ricky.

A deep sense of annoyance buzzed over his skin, a sick sensation settled in his stomach, and he picked himself off the couch and made a beeline for his best friend. He tapped her on the shoulder, and not expecting it to be him, Gina turned around with a smile. When she saw him, it immediately dropped, and she flickered her gaze away completely.

“Gina, can we talk? Please?” he said, trying to catch her eye.

“Talk away,” she mumbled, playing with the drawstring of her boyfriend’s sweater, and Ricky tried not to think about the fact that five of his sweaters were missing - probably all taken by her.

“In private?” he prompted, refusing to look over at EJ, but knowing Gina knew he meant without her boyfriend present.

“Whatever you have to say to her, you can say in front of me, dude,” EJ said, stepping in front of Gina, and the irritation building in Ricky’s gut bubbled into his chest, a heat that licked at his ribs and made him want to throw a punch.

“You’ve known her for like five days, dude . Calm down,” Ricky spat back, pulling up to his full height and finally making eye contact with the dreaded boyfriend, his fists clenching and unclenching beside him.

Sensing the tension, Gina stepped forward and shot EJ an exasperated look, then grabbed Ricky’s hand, easing it out of its closed fist, “ Both of you calm down. Ricky, you have five minutes. Come with me.”

Gina dragged him into a nearby room, but not before Ricky could shoot a victorious grin over his shoulder at EJ, who was shaking his head with his arms crossed. Ricky would take the small win – Gina would always put him first.

When the door clicked shut behind them, Gina immediately dropped his hand and scowled at him, arms crossing over her chest, “What do you want, Ricky?”

“I want to know why you’re mad at me,” he replied, stepping closer to Gina and looking at her imploringly.

“You want – Ricky, are you serious?” Gina spluttered, her exasperation now directed at him, “You’ve been an asshole to EJ all night!”

“I – I haven’t,” Ricky tried to argue, but it sounded unconvincing even to his own ears.

“Oh, yeah? When I introduced him to you, you called him Jack Skellington,” Gina was trying to not to raise her voice, and failing spectacularly, “When he brought drinks over for us, you snatched his and drank it in front of his face – real mature, by the way.”

“I thought it was for me!”

“Ricky, you’re not an idiot and neither am I. Let’s not pretend,” Gina shot him a deadpanned look, “What’s the matter with you? This is my first boyfriend, and you’re being a bad friend.”

The words were a massive blow to Ricky, and he stepped back like he’d been stabbed. He didn’t want her to think that, not then, not ever. He scrambled to think of a single coherent response, before he settled with, “Gina, why are you dating EJ Caswell? He’s a jerk!”

“No, he’s not!” Gina shot back, her tone rising in pitch a little in a way that Ricky knew meant she wasn’t telling the full truth, “He’s nice.”

“To you , maybe,” Ricky scoffed, “Last year he got the lead in the play because he poisoned the other callback.”

“That was just a rumor,” Gina snapped, “And you don’t have an issue with sabotage when I do it.”

She got him there – Ricky was supportive to a fault when it came to Gina, and so when she stole another student’s lucky charm before auditions to throw her off, he helped hide the evidence with no questions asked. But, she was different. Ricky shot back, “You actually have the talent to justify it. It’s not your fault Miss Jenn makes awful casting decisions.”

“Ricky,” Gina sighed, seemingly tired, before stepping forward and taking both of his hands in hers, interlacing their fingers in a way that made Ricky’s next retort stick to his throat, and made his hands sweat, and made his heart race, “Why are you acting like this? Don’t you trust me to take care of myself?”

“Of course I do, Gi,” Ricky settled a little at her attention, his voice calmer, and he pulled her in closer by their connected hands, having wanted to be that close with her all night, but not able to be because of her new situation, “It’s him I’m worried about. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

At least, that was half of the truth. But, Ricky couldn’t find it in himself to admit to her that even though she had only been dating the guy for a week, he already missed her. He missed being able to snuggle with her during cold nights to watch a movie together – their tradition. He missed casually holding her hand in the school halls. He missed the way she would latch onto his arm and whisper boo to him whenever she greeted him – because now she was doing all of those things with EJ .

He discovered that day that his biggest fear was losing Gina for good.

Gina tilted her head, a fond expression filtering into her eyes, “I know. But, you have to let me experience that for myself.”

“You’re right,” Ricky nodded, leaning down to rest his forehead on hers, shifting forward to nudge her nose with his own. She scrunched her nose cutely, but didn’t move away, and Ricky felt his stomach turn to lava, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be an asshole. I’ll – I’ll apologize to EJ.”

He really didn’t want to, but for Gina, he would.

She smiled that brilliant smile he loved so much, the one that could light him up from inside and make any rainy day turn mild, and went to move away from him, but not before cupping his cheek gently and whispering, “You know you’ll always be my number one, right? Nobody could replace you for me.”

Ricky felt a surge of joy flood through him at her words, and he nodded dumbly, his cheek moving against her hand. She smiled again, letting her fingers trail delicately down his jaw before stepping away, walking back out into the party.

Ricky let out a shuddering breath, his cheek on fire, and he took a few moments to psych himself up to try and apologize to Gina’s terrible boyfriend.

He would never admit to Gina how ecstatic he was when one month later, they had broken up.

“There was just no spark,” Gina had explained, all while fiddling with the rings on Ricky’s fingers.

He tried not to let a smug smile overtake his features.

PRESENT

Gina spotted him leaning against the opposite wall when she exited her class – Ricky Bowen, who she had been avoiding for the whole week. She now wished she hadn’t stayed back to ask her professor a few questions, wondering if she would have slipped past him in the crowd if she had just left when the lecture was over.

Deciding there was no way around it, she walked off, trying to pretend she hadn’t seen him, but he was quicker than her and he jogged up to her and stepped in front of her, blocking her pathway.

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

That was her Ricky – straight to the point, no beating around the bush. When he was hurt, he made it clear. It was one of the things she loved the most about him – how open he always had been with her, when she was used to being so closed off.

“Ricky, let’s not do this here,” Gina sighed, trying to step past him.

She couldn’t talk to him, not without spilling her guts and revealing to him that she still loved him, that seeing him but not being able to have him, knowing he was Nini’s Ricky and no longer Gina’s Ricky (though, had he ever really been hers in the truest sense? She was too much of a coward to tell him that was what she wanted all those years ago), was killing her inside. She thought she could have her little piece of him, their weekly catch ups, and be fine with what she could get. But, the last time she saw him cemented in her mind that she wanted all of him, or none of him at all. Her heart couldn’t handle anything else. It wasn’t fair on her. It wasn’t fair on Ricky.

“If not here, then where?” Ricky blocked her pathway again, a desperate look in his eyes, “What are you doing, Gina? What happened to us? You used to tell me everything you were thinking. Why are you ghosting me like this? Again ?”

His voice broke at his final word, and that was exactly the reason Gina had been avoiding him. She couldn’t handle dealing with a broken Ricky, knowing she had been the cause of it. Her next thought made her sick to her stomach, because she knew the only way to rip the band aid off, to help him get over her for good, was to put the final nail in the coffin.

She mustered up her meanest tone, and spat out, “Did you ever think that maybe I was avoiding you because I didn’t want to see you?”

Gina almost immediately caved by the look of pure hurt that ripped across Ricky’s face, and he swallowed thickly before saying, “Is this because of what happened at the café? I’m sorry. I won’t – I won’t do that again, I can reel my feelings in.”

“It’s not about the café, Ricky!” Gina exploded, “It’s us! We’re too much!”

Ricky frowned, looking more confused by the minute, “What are you talking about? We’re the same as we’ve always been.”

“That’s the problem! Don’t you think there’s a reason we grew apart?”

It was Ricky’s turn to get riled up, and he crossed his arms across his chest and scoffed, narrowing his eyes at her, “No, I don’t, because you never told me why! How am I supposed to know what the hell went wrong between us when you never tell me anything? I called you everyday, and texted you practically every minute, and you just ignored me! I thought we were best friends!”

Gina was struggling to form words, unsure how to even navigate the conversation without exposing herself, and she let out a frustrated groan, dragging a hand down her face, “We were! But, I couldn’t deal with it anymore!”

“ Why , Gina?” Ricky demanded, a pleading look on his face, “Was it me? Was I too clingy? I was just trying to make you feel like you were back home with me, but if it was too much you could’ve just told me. I would have listened.”

“I know you would have,” Gina sighed, needing to look away from his frantic expression but physically unable to.

“So, why, then?” he pleaded, taking a step toward her, tears beginning to cling to his lashes as he stared at her, and Gina was sure her own eyes were beginning to glisten as well, “I would love to know, because I spent the next two years wondering where I went wrong. I thought about you everyday, hoping you would call, and you never did. And now it feels like it’s happening all over again.”

“Ricky –”

“No more excuses! Just tell me , Gina!” Ricky interrupted her, knowing by her expression that she was going to come up with another justification, “I can handle the truth. I’m not 18 anymore.”

“Because, Ricky!” Gina yelled, her face flushing, her lip trembling, “I couldn’t handle only having part of you! I can’t – I can’t survive without all of you, and the long distance was killing me. I needed to withdraw, otherwise I was going to sink.”

They both heave, staring intensely at the other, somehow having drawn close enough that they were almost nose to nose. Ricky’s mouth was opening and closing listlessly, like he was trying to decide what to respond with, so Gina took the opportunity for him, “And now with – with Nini, it’s happening all over again. Ricky, I feel you so viscerally. I – I can’t be your friend. I want all of you, or none of you. And it’s selfish, I know. But, I need to protect myself, and I don’t want to hurt you, so this is the only way.”

Ricky’s jaw had all but dropped, his eyes wide and warbling, as he processed what she had just told him. His hands twitched at his sides, and Gina ached to flatten her hands over his chest, to run her finger under his jaw, anything. But, she couldn’t do that to him. So, she waited.

“I…” he began, and Gina leaned in, holding on to his every word, “I broke up with Nini. After what happened between us at the café.”

Gina froze, unsure how to respond to the new piece of information. Tentatively, she replied, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Ricky shook his head, and they were so close that one of his curls brushed along her forehead, eliciting a shiver through her that was so pathetic, she might’ve laughed if she didn’t feel so exhausted, “I’m not. It wasn’t meant to be.”

He watched her for a moment as she tried to decipher what this meant for them. Then his eyes hardened, a determined look on his face. A hand came up to her cheek, thumb brushing along her cheekbone so delicately it almost tickled, and Gina could hardly contain the shuddering sigh that escaped her. With his other hand, he used his thumb and forefinger to hold her chin, angling her head so he could better look at her.

Gina’s brain was practically buzzing, sure her cheeks were on fire, and she loosely gripped onto Ricky’s wrists to balance herself, unsure what he was going to do. With the thumb that stroked her cheekbone, he trailed his finger along her bottom lip, his eyes watching the movement all the while, and Gina could feel her heart drumming in her ears, her lip tingling from his touch, the heat of his gaze melting her from the inside out.

Finally, he whispered, “Do you know what the worst part about these last two years have been?”

“What?” Gina could barely recognize her voice, as breathy and stilted as it was.

“I wasn’t able to hear your laugh,” he said simply, before dropping his hold on her face and stepping away, “Or see your smile. Life is so dreary without you in it.”

And with that life altering statement, he walked away, and Gina watched him go, the colors around her fading to gray.

She knew exactly what he meant.

PAST

Gina watched the TV screen, comfortable and cozy with her head on Ricky’s chest, both of them swathed in a fluffy blanket. Lara Jean had just confessed to Peter, and a warmth settled in her chest as the camera panned out on their final kiss of the movie.

Gina loved romcoms, she loved happy endings and the pining and all the good things that came with the genre, and she was glad Ricky was content to let her choose the movie every time they hung out, never once complaining when she picked To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before for the third time that month.

She sighed happily as the credits rolled, snuggling her ear onto the soft fabric of Ricky’s sweater, and said, “They’re so perfect for each other.”

Ricky hummed, the vibration of it tickling her ear, and his arm around her shoulder shifted slightly as he moved to rub her arm, “They do have a lot of chemistry.”

“That’s why the movie is so good,” Gina agreed, shifting her hand beneath Ricky’s sweater and settling in over his t-shirt covered abdomen in an attempt to warm her fingers up.

Ricky froze for a moment, and Gina worried that she had made him uncomfortable, before he relaxed at her touch. After a moment of silence, he spoke up tentatively, “Have… have you ever wondered what it feels like to kiss someone?”

Gina paused, unsure how to respond. Ricky and Gina were both young – in their first couple years of high school and definitely at that age where relationships and kissing were the kinds of things you thought about. It was funny that they had never talked about it together before, considering the fact that they were practically attached at the hip.

She sat up a little, looking Ricky in the eye, and noticing that a blush had stained his cheeks at his question, but he didn’t backpedal – he just watched her and waited for her answer.

“Sure I have,” she replied slowly, her hand on his abdomen twitching just slightly, and he sat up a little at the movement, clearing his throat, “Romances are my favorite films after all.”

Ricky smiled slightly, nodding along, before poking her cheek, “You big softie.”

Gina laughed, swatting his hand away, “Don’t tell anyone at school. I have a mean girl image to uphold.”

Ricky crossed his heart and smiled wider, “I wouldn’t want to tarnish your reputation. I would never tell. Even if you are a loser who’s never been kissed before.”

“Hey! So are you!” she slapped his chest playfully, sitting up fully at that point.

She had an idea. It was probably stupid, and she didn’t at all expect him to go along with it but – she was curious. She didn’t trust anyone else enough to ask, and Ricky was usually happy to help her with anything she wanted to try – why should what she was about to ask be any different?

So, she took a quick breath, and asked, “Do you… want to try it?”

“Try what?” Ricky asked, his head tilting and his eyes shining from the afternoon sun filtering through her living room window.

“Kissing,” Gina elaborated, feeling a blush bloom onto her cheeks when she saw Ricky’s own cheeks redden, “Just to see what it’s like. But, you don’t have to.”

“No, I – I do want to try,” Ricky rushed to reassure her, pushing up on his hands so he wasn’t slouching anymore, “But… I don’t know how to do it.”

“Neither do I,” Gina shrugged, trying to appear more nonchalant than she really felt, her heart beating in a frenzy, bounding about in her chest.

“Well, in the movies they do this,” Ricky shifted forward to cup Gina’s cheeks in his hands, his touch light and ready to shift away at any sign of Gina being uncomfortable. She swallowed thickly, but didn’t voice her displeasure, so Ricky let his hands settle properly, and Gina moved her own hands to place them on his shoulders.

They both stared at each other for a moment, timid and unsure, until Gina decided they both wouldn’t do anything if the other wasn’t brave enough, so she surged forward and pecked Ricky’s lips, before pulling back immediately, her cheeks now totally flushed, Ricky looking much the same. His eyes were wide as he stared at her, and then without warning he leaned forward again, this time properly pressing his lips on top of hers.

Both new to it, and unsure where to go next, they simply pressed into each other, eyelashes fluttering against the other’s cheeks. Gina decided to tilt her head the way she’d seen people on screen do, and Ricky followed her, pressing another kiss, then another onto her lips, before they both pulled apart. Gina’s lip gloss was slightly smeared onto Ricky’s mouth, so she leaned forward and brushed it away, both of them giggling like idiots at each other.

“That was –” Gina started, biting her lip a little, feeling a bubbly sensation float in her stomach.

“Good,” Ricky nodded emphatically, eyes never leaving hers, “I like kissing. A lot.”

Gina rolled her eyes, another giggle spilling over her lips, “You’re such a boy.”

“A boy who just took your first kiss,” Ricky teased, and Gina couldn’t help but blush once again.

It didn’t mean anything. Ricky was just her best friend, doing her a favor because she asked.

But also, it meant a lot. She pressed her fingers to her lips when Ricky turned away to pick another film, and compared all her other first kisses to that one in the years to come.

PRESENT

Ricky sat in their usual booth on Monday afternoon, their coffees steaming away, waiting for Gina to arrive. He didn’t expect her to show if he was being honest with himself, after having left her by herself outside of her classroom. But, he still had hope. He still believed in the strength of their connection enough to hope that she wouldn’t give up so easily on them when they had just made their way back to each other.

Like his thoughts were a beacon, he lifted his gaze from his takeaway coffee cup and saw her standing in front of their table, looking as angelic as ever – her lips glossed pink, her curls a glowing halo around her face as the light filtered into the café from behind them, her fingers fidgeting with the cross bag strap slung across her torso.

“I didn’t think you’d be here,” she said, her voice tentative and soft. Her eyes strayed to his jacket – the denim jacket with the chibi frog patch on its elbow she had stitched for him all those years ago, slightly too small for him now – and smiled lightly.

“Of course I am,” he replied, pushing her own coffee forward, “Where else would I be?”

“Would you want to maybe get out of here? We could go for a walk,” Gina suggested, and Ricky nodded his affirmation before she was even finished speaking, “There’s a lake near campus I like to walk around to think. I think you’d like it.”

“Yes,” Ricky nodded, scrambling to get up from the booth, “ Yes . I would go anywhere with you.”

Ricky flushed at his desperation, but was beyond caring if Gina knew how pathetic he was for her. His hiding days were over. Gina would just have to grow used to how much Ricky truly cared about her, because he wasn’t willing to push it down anymore.

She didn’t seem freaked out by his admission though. In fact, she smiled prettily, pink dusting over her cheeks, and she nodded at him, gesturing for him to follow her. She led him to the lake, both of them walking in silence that somehow wasn’t awkward despite everything, and when she saw him rubbing his hands from the cold, she stopped them.

Pulling off one knitted glove from her hand, she slid it onto his furthest hand from her, tugging it slightly so it fit snugly over his longer fingers. Then, with her bare hand, she intertwined her fingers with his own bare one, before continuing her walk again.

Ricky thought about how when they were growing up, they used to hold hands all the time. It was second nature to them – a form of comfort. This felt like one of those handholds to him. It was safe. It was warm. It was so intrinsically Gina .

“Gina –”

“Ricky –”

They both began to speak at the same time, then paused to look at each other, letting out a few chuckles.

“You go,” Gina nodded at him, but Ricky shook his head.

“No, you speak first.”

The crunching of leaves beneath their winter boots filled the silence, before Gina collected her thoughts and spoke up, “I miss us. I miss how easy it was between us.”

“I do, too,” Ricky said softly, squeezing her hand, reminding her of how easy it still could be, “We can get back there. There’s nothing keeping us apart now.”

“I would really like that,” Gina smiled at him, her eyes crinkling a little, “But – but I want more . I want us to be able to speak about anything the way we used to, and touch each other like we used to, and I want it to be more than that. But, I can’t help feeling like I ruined everything that day when I ignored your call. It feels tainted somehow, and it’s all my fault. I just wish I could’ve told you that –”

“I love you,” Ricky interrupted her, stopping in his tracks and tugging gently at Gina’s arm so she was facing him, “I’m in love with you, Gina.”

“You – you love me?” her eyes were wide, her mouth parted prettily, and Ricky fell in love with her even more seeing how shocked she was by his admission when he was so goddam obvious about it.

“Yes, of course I love you,” Ricky smiled at her, running a finger along her collarbone before placing his hand on her shoulder. Her gaze followed his hand, goosebumps trailing along where he had touched her, before she looked back up at him, “I love you for all the reasons you just talked about. I can talk to you about anything. You put up with my clinginess. Even after two years of being apart, we can still fall so easily into our pattern. We are meant to be together, Gina. Let’s stop fighting it. Nothing is tainted when I’m with you. There’s only clarity.”

Gina’s eyes shone with tears, and she shook her head in disbelief, “But, how can you love me after everything I did?”

“Everything you did, you did to protect your heart,” Ricky replied, his hand on her shoulder trailing up to caress her cheek, “Loving you is as easy as breathing. I’ve loved you since I met you. I’ve never stopped loving you.”

“Ricky – I never stopped loving you either,” she replied, a wobbly smile on her lips, and she reached up to card her fingers through his hair the way he used to love so much. Her fingernails scratched the back of his scalp gently, and she pulled his face close to hers so she could rest her forehead on his, “I missed you so much. I’m so glad we found each other again.”

“It was inevitable,” Ricky whispered, his lips hovering over Gina’s, his free hand nestling on her hip, pulling her closer still so he could feel her chest pressed flush against his.

“It’s always been us,” Gina nodded, her nose bumping into his, both of them red from the cold.

“Always,” Ricky agreed, looking deeply into her eyes, watching her lashes flutter before her eyes fully closed, leaning ever closer to him. He finally closed the distance between them, and felt a rush of relief course through his veins when he felt the soft press of her lips against his.

Finally , they were together the way they were always meant to be.

Ricky kissed her the way she always loved to see in her romance movies, the way she always deserved, with sighs and gentle tugs at her bottom lip with his teeth, with careful fingers running down her spine, and with kisses to pressed under her jaw and the on side of her neck before his lips met hers again. Her hand gripped in his hair, and Ricky loved the sensation of it, keenly aware of her other hand pressed over his clavicle, her thumb rubbing easy circles into his skin, causing him to feel weak at the knees.

When they eventually pulled apart, hot breaths fanning onto each other’s faces, the cold barely felt with how warm they had made each other feel, Ricky felt the need to confess one more thing, “I wrote a song for you.”

“What?” Gina laughed, her eyes bleeding with love, a fondness in them so gentle that Ricky thought he might just have to kiss her senseless again.

But not before explaining himself, “Or, I wrote an entire album about you. I’ve been shopping around, seeing if any indie label wants to pick it up. It’s kind of sad – I wrote it before we reconnected. I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you heard anything from it.”

Gina laughed slightly, biting her lip at his silliness, and Ricky’s eyes immediately gravitated to it, “But, I’m planning on writing a new song. Something happier. You know, now that I actually have you.”

“Oh yeah?” Gina grinned, leaning forward to press a kiss to Ricky’s neck, mumbling into his skin, “And what’s the working title?”

Ricky let his eyes drop shut in pleasure, ecstatic that they could finally be this close, be this way together.

“I’m thinking something along the lines of ‘I’ll never know another love like yours.’”

Gina let out a lovesick giggle, hiding her face in Ricky’s neck where she had just kissed him, “You’re such a sap.”

Ricky simply smiled, and wrapped his arms around her, swaying them back and forth.

He may be a sap, but he wasn’t a liar.

Gina was the love of his life, and now that he had her, he would never let her go again.