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The first time Isaac was attracted to another boy he was eight and he didn't know what it meant. He didn't care either. He just knew his friend was pretty in the way that waterfalls were pretty.
It was innocent, pure in that way all childhood crushes are. When you just wanted to see your best friend everyday because they made you so happy.
His eyes were blue like Isaac's and they sparkled in the sun — and when Isaac made him laugh, so Isaac always wanted to make him laugh.
His name was Jackson, and yeah, he was kind of bossy and he always had to be the Red Power Ranger when they played together but Isaac liked him so he didn't care. He liked him in the same way he liked Zuko from The Last Airbender. He was cool and wasn't afraid of anything. Not monsters under the bed or burglars or the strange howling noises Isaac sometimes heard at night.
Isaac decided he wanted to be his best friend forever.
They were neighbors first, the Lahey's moving to a better part of town when Isaac's mom got her fancy new job, but they met in school, herded together by a redheaded girl named Lydia, who was bossier than Jackson and didn't even like to play Power Rangers.
Lydia decided they all had to be friends because they lived in the nice part of town, and Isaac didn’t really care about that kind of thing, but his mom raised him to be polite, so he let her decide they were friends.
Jackson, on the other hand, loved Lydia. He would always let her pick the game they all played, and gave her his good snacks at lunch when they all traded. It made Isaac grumpy in a way he couldn’t explain. Jackson was his best friend, but he wasn’t Jackson’s best friend and it sucked.
The worst part was he always picked Lydia over Isaac whenever the three of them did anything together. And when Isaac said that was unfair, Jackson called him a crybaby and said he didn’t want to play with a baby anymore.
When Isaac told his mom what happened, she said that Jackson wasn’t a very good friend, and maybe Isaac shouldn’t be his friend anymore. Isaac agreed, if only to make her happy.
But he still missed being the stupid Blue Power Ranger. There was no point in being the Red Ranger if you had no one to play with.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
The second time Isaac was attracted to a boy, or at least the second time he acknowledged it, he was twelve.
Matt was his only friend.
His brat pack trio with Jackson and Lydia long broken up because Isaac biting Lydia at her tea party when they were nine - which he was only invited to because Lydia felt bad for him - had him branded as a "menace" and a "problem child" and they wouldn't associate with him anymore. They'd even replaced him with Danny Mahealani, who was supposedly cooler than Isaac, but didn't really do much, so how cool could he be?
Matt became his friend when they discovered they both liked comics. Isaac had been reading a Spiderman comic at lunch, alone as usual, and Matt sat beside him with an X-Men comic, and a friendship was born.
His eyes were blue and they didn't sparkle but they did get dark, covered in storm clouds from whatever he was thinking and something about it captivated Isaac. He wanted to know what was going on in his brain, to pick at him like they were playing Operation. Wanted to see his insides, to hold his heart with his hands, feel it beat, see if it sped up the way Isaac's did when their fingers brushed as they tried to turn a page at the same time.
He didn't let himself think about that for too long. That was a slippery slope.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
The first time Isaac kissed a boy, he tasted nothing but chlorine and blood for weeks after the fact. It didn’t matter how many times he rinsed his mouth out.
He’d been sitting with Matt by the pool, their jeans rolled up and their feet in the water. Matt was only supposed to be there for a few minutes, to trade a comic, but Isaac convinced him to stay. He just wanted to hang out with him for as long as he could.
Isaac could feel his nerves buzzing off of him like livewires, and every time Matt’s foot brushed against his underwater, it was like being stuck by an electric eel. He was going to blow up before anything even happened.
“Matt?” Isaac started, and Matt looked over, eyes the same color as the pool, the same color as Isaac’s. Whatever nerve Isaac did have, vanished immediately. Evaporated like ice in the summer. “Nevermind.”
Matt laughed and knocked their shoulders together. “What’s up?”
“Nothing,” Isaac said. “It’s not important.”
Matt poked him in the ribs, once, twice. “Tellllllll me. Come onnnn.”
When Isaac had invited Matt over earlier that week, he’d had a plan. He knew both his father and brother would be gone for basically the entire night, away at the State Championship Swim Meet, and he’d have the house to himself. It’d be the perfect time to hang out with Matt alone. Just to see what it was like. To see if he actually was the reason behind Isaac’s butterflies.
Signs were pointing to yes.
Isaac asked the question burning the inside of his skull without really thinking it through. “Do you, uh, do you like me?”
Matt smiled in that way that was boyish and sweet, and Isaac smiled along. That was a good sign.
“Of course! None of my other friends would give me a Batman comic like this,” he said. Isaac’s heart sank. That was less of a good sign. He obviously wasn’t understanding what Isaac was asking, or what the comic meant. What kind of person would just give up a perfectly good first edition comic for a friend?
Maybe he was a hands-on learner?
Isaac took in a breath, and grabbed Matt’s face just like the people did in the movies. He’d watched every rom-com in his mom’s old pile of DVDs all week, watching to see how kisses worked, even though it made Camden make fun of him. He pulled him in, tilting his head so their noses didn’t smash and pressed his lips to Matt’s.
It wasn’t anything special really. Matt’s mouth was unmoving against him, his entire body locked up like Isaac’s dad’s safe under his desk.
But Isaac could feel something opening up inside of him, a window or a door, bursting open with a blast of sunlight. His hands were vibrating where they were holding Matt’s face. There was a fireworks show happening under his ribs.
Isaac pulled away and Matt stared at him, wide eyed and opened mouthed like a fish gasping for air.
“Are you okay?” Isaac asked.
At that exact moment, the backdoor opened and Camden and the entire swim team came through it, yelling and jeering. One of the guys, Ben or something, was holding a stereo that was blasting SOS by Rihanna. Isaac jumped away from Matt, putting an entire foot between them and grinned at his older brother.
“Hi, Cam. How was the swim thing?” he asked, thanking God that his voice came out normally. Camden’s cheeks were flushed pink and the stench coming off of him let Isaac know he’d been drinking. The bottle in his hand told him he’d continue to do so.
Camden beamed, slinging an arm around Isaac’s neck. A bit of his beer splashed onto Isaac’s shoulder, wetting his t-shirt. “We won, bitch!”
Isaac laughed as everyone whooped and shouted.
Camden’s eyes jumped over Isaac’s shoulder. “Who’s your friend?”
“This is Matt,” Isaac said.
A girl in a pink bathing suit giggled. “Hi, Matt.”
Matt gave her an awkward wave, his face pink.
Suddenly one of the guys on the team grabbed the girl in the pink bathing suit, threw her over his shoulder and jumped into the pool with her still over his arm, as if she weighed nothing. Isaac would’ve killed to be that strong.
Another girl shrieked as Possibly Ben did the same thing to her. Camden grinned at Isaac again, that easy smile making him smile as well. “Why don’t you go tell Dad congratulations?”
Isaac didn’t really want to do that. His dad had been so tough on him lately for absolutely no reason, so he was just trying his best to avoid him. Camden was a buffer between them more often than not nowadays.
“I can’t just leave Matt out here,” he argued. “That’s rude.”
He glanced over at Matt and frowned when he saw the worried crease in his eyebrows.
“Don’t worry, little man,” Maybe Ben shouted from the pool. “We’ll keep your boyfriend safe.”
“He’s not my boyfriend!” Isaac shouted before getting to his feet. His stomach turned uncomfortably and he wasn’t sure if he was more upset that they assumed Matt was his boyfriend, or the fact that he had to deny it. Matt was sitting there, tense all over. “I’ll be back.”
Camden took Isaac’s spot beside Matt on the ground and slung an arm over his shoulder. Isaac smiled to himself as he walked back into the house.
His father was sitting at the kitchen table, smiling to himself. It was nice to see him in a good mood for once. There was a half empty bottle of beer in front of him and another completely empty one near his feet. Nerves came to life, replacing the fireworks in Isaac’s chest with tv static. Ever since his mom passed away, his dad had been drinking more.
“How was the swim meet? Cam says you guys won?” he asked, keeping his voice bright and exciting. His dad liked him more when he reminded him of the little kid he used to be.
His dad looked up with a smile. His mom said when they were younger he had a movie star smile. Isaac thought that it was more like the animatronics at Chuck E Cheese, too wide and too many teeth. “We did! Oh, you should’ve seen Camden, Ise. He was incredible out there.”
Camden was definitely the favorite. He was everything Isaac wasn’t. Athletic and charming and kind. He was smart, amazing at school. A real leader when he needed to be. Blah, blah, blah. Isaac had heard it all over and over when he stayed in bed during the weekends with his comics or brought home another C. He knew he’d never be perfect like his older brother.
Not that he really wanted to be. It seemed like a lot of work. Camden was always gone at swim practice or study sessions or anything and everything he could do to get out of the house.
Isaac nodded. “That sounds cool. Did-”
“Coach Lahey!” Perhaps Ben shouted, running into the room. “He’s drowning!”
Everything after that is kind of fuzzy. Isaac watched, horrified, through the backdoor as his father dragged Matt’s lifeless body out of the pool like he was one of the practice dummies Camden brought home during his lifeguard training over the summer.
He watched and watched as his father gave Matt CPR and shouted something at him until Matt nodded along, looking dazed and scared.
The swim team went home as his father gave Matt a ride home, the beer bottles thrown into one trash bag, then another and buried in the steel garbage can for the garbagemen to pick up after the weekend, and the music turned off, filling everything with the heaviest silence Isaac had ever heard.
It was just Isaac and that silence for half an hour as he waited for his father to come home. Camden had locked himself in his room as soon as Matt was gone, after wiping up the trail of water he left across the kitchen and living room.
The last time the house had been this quiet was a year ago, when Isaac’s mom passed away. None of the Lahey men wanted to talk to each other as they grieved, and now they never wanted to talk to each other at all.
Isaac’s entire body went cold - but not as cold as it could get he’d later find out - as the front door slammed open hard enough to make the windows rattle. His father’s rage was always loud, even if he didn’t yell. He didn’t have to rant and rave when his hands could do it for him.
“Isaac, get down here.”
For a very long second, Isaac considered jumping out of the window. That would probably be better than whatever was about to happen to him. But he got to his feet and walked down the steps to the living room, sealing his fate.
His father wasn’t super tall by any means, but he loomed, like a phantom. Or a tank. Isaac was going through a growth spurt getting closer to his height day by day, but as his father met his eyes, he felt two inches tall.
A smile came onto his father’s lips and Isaac knew whatever happened next was going to be god awful. His father only smiled like that when he was unbelievably pissed off.
He laughed to himself, once, then asked, “What was that boy doing here?”
Isaac didn’t know how he knew, but he knew. Matt must've squealed like a pig on the ride home. Maybe he could just see it on him, in that way parent’s could always read your mind, even when you didn’t want them to. Especially when you didn’t want them to.
“He- He’s my friend, Matt. I was just giving him a comic,” Isaac explained, trying to keep his voice steady. His father respected bravery, respected boldness. If Isaac pretended to be brave, maybe he could get out of this without getting in trouble.
His father laughed again, longer this time. Isaac didn’t know what was so funny. “A comic?” Isaac nodded. “Okay. That’s fine. What were you doing by the pool then?”
Isaac didn’t know how to answer that without giving himself away. Didn’t want to answer it.
“We were just hanging out.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either.
His father nodded. “Okay. Then how did he end up in the pool?”
“I don’t know. I was in here with you. Camden–”
His father struck him across the face. His teeth got caught on the inside of his cheek, and he tasted blood. He was shocked into silence. “This has nothing to do with Camden. I’m talking to you. I’m going to ask again. How did he end up in the pool?”
Isaac took a step away from him. “I don’t know,” he repeated. “I don’t.”
He didn’t want to be brave anymore.
His father walked closer and he bolted up the stairs. “Camden! Cam!” he shouted as he ran down the hallway. His brother’s door stayed closed. There was no way he didn’t hear him shouting. The walls were so thin, Isaac could hear when he so much as sneezed.
“Cam!” he tried again, banging on the door when he got to it. It would’ve been smarter to run into his room, he realized, but he expected Camden to know what to do. He always knew what to do.
Isaac screamed as his father grabbed him from behind and started to drag him backwards. All he got in return was his mouth covered.
No matter how hard he kicked and thrashed, his father wouldn’t let him go, even as they struggled down the steps, a mess of limbs. It was like he had superhuman strength.
They ended up in the basement, next to the deep freezer. It was huge, big enough to hold an entire deer. It was a gift from Isaac’s mother back when his dad still hunted.
“I’m sorry,” his father said, throwing the door open. He grunted with the effort. It was hard to do one handed, and his other hand was gripping Isaac’s wrist like a vice. “I’m sorry to have to do this. But you have to be punished.”
“Do what?” Isaac shouted. “I didn’t even do anything!”
Instead of responding, his father pushed him into the freezer and closed the heavy door.
Isaac screamed so loud his throat ached. “What are you doing? Let me out!”
He heard chains and the click of a lock and his father’s retreating footsteps and the basement door closing and then nothing but his own breathing.
It smelled like death, from years of being used to hold animal carcasses and raw meat. There was dried blood on the corner beside Isaac’s head. He gagged when he saw it.
He didn’t know how long he was in there, long enough for his fingers and toes to go numb, long enough for him to fall unconscious. As everything slipped into darkness, he bitterly thought that his stupid kiss wasn’t worth all this drama.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
Isaac was sixteen when he fell in love with Scott McCall.
He was nothing like the boys Isaac had liked before, and exactly like them all at once.
He was stubborn and headstrong and snarky. He was smarter than anyone else realized. Prettier than he needed to be. His eyes were brown, like the soil in Isaac’s mother’s garden, and his skin was tan, kissed by the sun, and his hands were warm just like his heart and his smile.
And he was kind. Kinder than anyone Isaac had ever met. Kind to Isaac even when he was trying to beat him up, and kind to Derek when he didn’t exactly deserve it. Kind enough to try to save Boyd from himself.
He was everything Isaac wanted to be, but was too cowardly to try to become. He was everything like the heroes Isaac had spent his childhood reading about.
But Isaac was burnt and bitter, just charred food stuck to the bottom of the pot that was life. He was rude and callous and didn’t know how to be nice to anybody. At least not anymore. Not after his mom dying and Camden dying and his father and his loud hands and the ice of the freezer wrapping around his heart.
And why would someone like Scott want someone like him anyway? He had Allison, who was sweet and pretty, with her long hair falling down her back and her eyes that shined like stars.
Isaac was perfectly content to just stay in his dark little bubble, with Boyd and Erica and their own dark little bubbles. But then there Scott was with his fucking kindness, getting through to them all, like some kind of beacon of hope.
He got through to Erica first because she was in love with any boy who was nice to her. It happened before she was even bit, if the story she told Isaac was to be believed. He caught her like some Knight-In-Shining-Armor after she fell off the rock wall in PE. He held her hand as she seized, and no one had ever done that before except her mom, and he was just so sweet, Ise.
Boyd was after that on the night that Derek gave him the bite. Something about seeing Scott get his ass kicked for him, still fighting for Boyd’s right to himself even with a boot against his throat, made him instantly enamored.
Even Derek was kind of obsessed with him, thinking about ways to get him to join his pack every other day.
But Isaac was determined not to like him. He didn’t care how pretty he was or how kind he was or how he always made sure to make eye contact with everyone he spoke with to make sure they knew they had his attention or how cute he looked when he did that thing where he bounced on his heels when he was happy. None of that mattered.
At least it shouldn’t have. But Scott had a way of getting under people’s skin, like the world’s nicest fucking parasite.
It started in a nightclub of all places. They were there because Jackson-who-was-actually-Matt was there and they had to stop him from killing someone. Again.
And Isaac had to shoot Jackson-who-was-actually-Matt in the neck with ketamine because this was his fucking life now, and Scott touched his hand by accident as he handed him the needle. Which would’ve been fine, Isaac touched hands with guys all the time and handled it perfectly fine. He wasn’t that deprived. But Scott’s fingers were warm against his and he was very close to Isaac’s face so he could be heard over the DJ and then he said the sentences that ruined everything.
“No, I mean you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Who fucking says that? Those eleven words were practically hand crafted so Isaac would fall in love with him. For years, entire years of his life, no one had cared about his safety. Then here comes Scott fucking McCall with his beautiful brown eyes and his soft hands and his actually giving a shit if Isaac got hurt. It was fucked up. And unfair, because he had a girlfriend.
So, Isaac pushed the burst of emotion he felt deep down into the pit of his stomach. And then he danced with Erica and Jackson-who-was-actually-Matt in a way that felt a little more than PG-13 because Erica was in the middle of them so it wasn’t like anyone could give him any shit for it. And he might not have had a crush on Jackson anymore, but he could admit he was still very handsome, and if he could dance with a hot guy and not get any shit for it, he was going to take the opportunity.
But then Jackson-who-was-actually-Matt was stabbing him and Erica with his stupid fucking poison claws, and he was on the ground, Scott’s needle gone from his hands.
Then Jackson-who-was-actually-Matt was trying to kill him and Erica and Stiles, so Isaac didn’t give a shit how handsome he was, and then he was successfully killing that Kara chick and everything kind of sucked.
Then it was the full moon and Lydia Martin’s stupid birthday.
Isaac hadn’t had high hopes for himself during the full moon. He was already inconceivably angry about his life on a good day, he didn't need to add werewolf bloodlust into the mix.
Derek’s bright idea of chaining them up was laughable, but Isaac went along with it because he had already learned what happened when he didn’t listen to Derek, and he was kind of sick of having people beat him up. But Derek had said something useful.
When he explained anchors, the only thing, the only person, Isaac could think of was Scott. Something meaningful to you, something to keep you human, he said. And Isaac’s brain chanted “I don’t want you to get hurt,” over and over and over like a mantra.
He had to stay calm, had to control himself for Scott. The thought should’ve been embarrassing, because Scott would never think about him that way, but it was almost soothing. There was someone to stay human for. Even when he was human, there had been no one to stay human for.
When Derek asked, he made up some bullshit about his dad, so used to keeping that part of himself secret, locked in a box in the back of his heart. He didn’t see the need to share something so personal, especially when Derek had said his anchor was “anger” which was obviously a lie.
After that, he could feel himself falling harder and harder for Scott.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
In hindsight, Allison was a trick of the light.
She wasn't sweet. But she was pretty, with her hair cut short, like a snake's shedded skin and her eyes that didn't really shine anymore, too heavy with guilt and grief.
And if Isaac was a different person, he probably could've actually liked her. They were a lot alike, in certain ways. They knew what it was like to be a soldier for a war you didn't sign up for, a puppet on a string for someone who tells you they have all the answers. A weapon of mass destruction before your eighteenth birthday.
They both understood guilt. Understood grief. Pain. Loss. Whatever other depressing synonym you wanted to use.
But Isaac wasn't a different person. He was just himself, so no matter how much he tried, no matter how many burning gazes, and torn off t-shirts, he knew deep down it wasn’t going to work.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
After Allison, after Boyd and Erica, after everything, Isaac did the one thing he knew he was good at. The one thing he knew would hurt Scott the most.
He ran. He ran for the hills. Fucked off all the way to France with Chris Argent of all people.
He didn't even leave a goodbye note because he knew it would turn into a love letter, and well, slippery slopes.
When they first got to Paris, Isaac had dreams of brown eyes and warm, calloused hands and an all too familiar voice asking him to stay. Never begging or demanding, just asking, hoping quietly, because even his subconscious knew Scott was too kind for that sort of thing.
Dreams turned into staying up all night, charming his way into nightclubs with a smile. Dancing with boys with kind eyes and strong hands and hard bodies that fit in his hands like they were meant to be there.
It took him six months to get brave enough to kiss someone, but once he did, he knew it was exactly what he was supposed to be doing.
The guy was shorter than him — though, that wasn’t exactly a hard thing to be — with skin like copper and lips like rose petals. He called Isaac mon beau and laughed when he was pressed against the wall. He curled his hand into Isaac’s hair and taught him the proper way to kiss, to be kissed. Stealing his breath, and making his heart sing for the first time in ages.
Then he left without another word. It felt like karma.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
Isaac tried to move on the best he could, though the universe wouldn’t let him.
He got texts from Lydia Martin of all people, monthly ones, telling him how Beacon Hills was. The threats they were up against, how the pack was doing — because apparently he was still part of it, despite literally abandoning them — the new people that came to town, then left just as fast.
She avoided texting him updates on Scott, and he wasn’t sure if she knew, didn’t know if it was for his benefit or if she was punishing him in her own little way because she was apparently a better person, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t a spiteful bitch.
Regardless of the reason, any time she did tell him anything about Scott — something funny he’d said, a picture with him in the background, an absentminded mention of his whereabouts — his heart still fluttered and shook.
It should’ve been embarrassing. He was across the globe, living an entirely different life, a guy he didn’t even date shouldn't have such a hold on him. But Scott was known for his persistence, so of course Isaac wouldn’t get out of his hold that easy.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
It started with a text from Lydia that felt like an omen.
He was at dinner with Jackson and Ethan, which was weird and uncomfortable for everyone involved for a myriad of reasons, but oddly enjoyable at the same time, when his phone buzzed on the table.
From: Lydia Martin
There’s a new guy at school. Theo Raeken. You would hate him.
The name brought back a hazy memory of a little wheezy kid with dead eyes, but it was quickly forgotten as Ethan laughed so hard that he spilled an entire glass of wine onto their table.
After that, things started to get weird.
He would wake in the middle of the night, chest aching. His heart would race as he stood in the grocery store. Sure, he dealt with anxiety after the move, and he’d had his fair share of nightmares, but never like this. Never uncontrollable, and sudden. It was like it wasn’t even happening to him.
And strangest of all, Lydia stopped texting him.
He didn’t understand it, until he felt his heart stop as he sat in his kitchen, trying to eat his breakfast.
He was making toast, distracted by the news, when suddenly there was nothing in his chest. One second his heart was there, the next it was gone.
He pressed his hand to his chest and still felt his heart thudding, but that emptiness didn’t disappear.
Scott, his mind howled, ScottScottScott.
He white knuckled his kitchen counter, fighting the urge to shift. It was like he was a kid again, no longer in control of the wolf inside of him.
Scott, he’s gone. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone.
Though he had no proof, he knew it was true.
As his teeth punctured his bottom lip, his knees buckled and he fell to the tiled floor with what could only be described as a yowl.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
It took three days and some minor emotional manipulation, but Isaac finally got told what happened.
After spending two days locked in his bedroom, fighting against himself and this unexplainable grief, he texted Mrs. McCall, and demanded an answer. It was a bit cruel and unfair, seeing as he hadn’t spoken to her in forever, but he needed to know what was going on. If he could feel so terrible in an entirely different country, things had to be god awful back home.
God, when did he start thinking of Beacon Hills as home again?
She finally called him at three am, either unaware of the time difference or uncaring, and she sounded exhausted and weepy as she explained the clusterfuck of the situation. That Theo guy Lydia had mentioned, had killed Scott, and separated him from the pack. She didn’t know all the details because nobody ever told her anything, she muttered bitterly, but Lydia was missing, and no one was talking to each other, and Scott was despairing and pretending that he wasn’t.
Isaac’s heart was made of glass, and with every new piece of information, he could feel it shattering. “I’m coming back.”
“What? Isaac, no. You’re all the way in Paris, you don’t need to come back,” she said, surprise obvious.
“Mrs. McCall, I felt it. I felt when he died,” he said, making her gasp, “And I’ve never known pain like that. I’ve been beaten and stabbed and hurt more than I thought was possible, and I’ve never felt pain like that before.”
He had to go home. There was no way around it.
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈
He was eighteen, and on a plane back home. He was eighteen, running to a boy that very well might not love him back. Running from his freedom, headfirst into a dire situation. He was everything his twelve year old self dreamed of being, and nothing like that scared little boy at all.
He was eighteen, and in love, and insane, and it had taken years to get to this place, but he was there.
Despite the fact that he was running into a battle that wasn’t his, one that he was fully unprepared for, he fought a smile as the lane began to take off.