Chapter Text
Namjoon was always there.
There was no other way of putting it.
Seokjin might be older than Namjoon, but for as long as he could remember being BTS, Namjoon was always there.
There wasn't a memory Seokjin had with these six men that he adored that wasn't shaded with Namjoon. There wasn't a struggle Seokjin had faced that didn't have Namjoon as at least part of the solution.
Namjoon being there was as easy as breathing. At first, it had been a bit overwhelming when they had first met. Seokjin was sure there was some kind of catch. Nobody was this nice and kind, especially if they were meant to be the leader.
He kept waiting for the shoe to drop, for Namjoon's mask to slide, for this boy who wasn't yet a man to show another side.
There was no other side. It wasn't a play; it was just who Namjoon was.
It was so easy to fall into a rhythm of just trusting that Namjoon knew what was going on, that Namjoon had it all under control.
Yeah, Seokjin and Yoongi helped keep things under control in the dorm, but Namjoon was always the buffer between the rest of BTS and management.
Seokjin didn't even know when it had just become the norm. He wasn't sure when he had just accepted that he didn't have to deal with the pressures of management, that Namjoon handled it for them.
Maybe, he liked to believe that he had just thought that management had stopped being demanding little shit heads. That there was much less pressure on them as they became superstars, it was so easy to miss as they had all moved out of the dorms. They no longer noticed when Namjoon was pulled from his bed after barely a few hours, forced to take meetings that really one of them should probably at least have been part of.
Again.
Maybe he just didn't want to see.
Seokjin wasn't proud of it, of course! But lying to himself had never gotten him very far in life. Lying to other people... there was an argument to be made for that at least, but lying to himself... yeah, that was never helpful.
So, he had to admit that maybe he just didn't want to see it. If he didn't see it, if none of them saw it, then they didn't share part of the guilt.
It was only much later, probably way too late, that Seokjin realized just how wrong it was. It was only then that the blinders he had willfully been wearing were ripped off.
It was a calm evening. Seokjin was in his own apartment, twirling a glass of wine with his legs happily over Namjoon's lap as they had a light conversation.
As much as Seokjin loved spending time with all seven of them, there was always something special about having a few hours alone with Namjoon, just having the other man comfortable and happy while in Seokjin's space.
A glass of wine was resting on the solid black arm of the couch as Namjoon was telling a story, arms going wide as he spoke with his hands. All Seokjin could do was lean back, sipping his wine. He couldn't hold back the smile.
Namjoon was many things, but in that moment, he was bloody cute. He would be lying if he said he had any idea of what Namjoon was really speaking about, something about a specific painter's style that he had seen last time he went to the museum.
It didn't matter what Namjoon was actually talking about. The man's deep and smooth voice had a way of always making Seokjin feel happy. It always made all of them feel safe. He could be reading out loud a children's book, and he would still captivate every part of Seokjin's mind and body.
It was a good evening.
Or it was, until a text on Namjoon's phone distracted them. The tone was something Seokjin had heard before, as Namjoon had specific tones for different people, but not something that he could point to as a specific person.
He didn't need to, as Namjoon froze in place, hands stuck in the air as he looked towards his phone. His tanned face went several shades lighter as he sighed, "I should get that." His voice was no longer the deep, soft velvet that made it run down Seokjin's spine in pleasure, but the sigh of a man much older than Namjoon's younger age.
Because Namjoon was younger than him.
He was younger than half of BTS. Yeah, Namjoon called them Hyung and treated them with the respect that they had earned by being born earlier than him, but he was very much... their leader in all other ways.
It was only then that Seokjin really considered what that meant. Namjoon had gone from looking like a happy young man to a man much older than his years as the sound of a text tone interrupted him. "What if you don't? It will still be there tomorrow." Seokjin really tried to keep it light, reaching a hand down to rest it on Namjoon's hand, slowly lowering the younger man's hands from where they were still stuck in the air.
Namjoon shook his head, sorrow in his eyes. "No, I need to do it now. They wouldn't be texting if it wasn't important." To that, Seokjin disagreed, but he kept his opinion to himself. This was never a useful fight to try and pick with Namjoon, that at least he had known for their many years together.
It didn't stop him from pushing, just a little, running his thumb over Namjoon's bicep where he was holding it. "It might not be. I was enjoying our time together." All the members of BTS could be a little greedy about one-on-one time with Namjoon, and while Jungkook was definitely the most outgoing with those feelings, Seokjin was not far behind.
For a second, just the barest of seconds, Namjoon seemed to hesitate. He seemed to actually consider staying, his eyes on Seokjin's hand, before he shook his head. "I have to. I am sorry." He rested his own, always slightly cold hand on top of Seokjin's on his arm before standing up. "Maybe..." Another second of hesitation from Namjoon, as if he was unsure if he was allowed to say the next sentence. "If it's just a short meeting, I can come back and sleep here?"
It was more than Seokjin had dared to hope for as he let go of Namjoon’s arm, much to his own lament. "Of course, Joonie, you are always welcome here."
With that, Namjoon was gone into the cold winter night. Seokjin realized too late, calling after him, "Wait, you can't drive?" Of course, that was when he realized that the company had already sent a car. They knew that Namjoon was going to come with them even before the man had answered the phone.
Namjoon didn't come back that night.
That was what started it for Seokjin. His chill and soft evening with Namjoon were ruined. The world had forced his eyes open, and he could no longer ignore what was going on around him.
Namjoon would be called away to meetings that none of them had to deal with, but clearly, it always left Namjoon feeling worse with every moment. However, he would smile at them, tell them not to worry about it, and then distract them.
During group interviews, Namjoon would always take the worst hits, and if an interviewer was too nosy, especially when the camera was off, he would protect them. Seokjin had a decent grip on English, or at least he felt so himself, but he knew that he was missing things.
His new view of the world also made him realize something. He wasn't the only one who noticed.
As he watched Namjoon, Seokjin let his eyes slide around, realizing that he was not the only one looking.
Five other pairs of eyes were heavy and pained as Namjoon was called away.
Yoongi, for his part, had always realized that something was wrong. From the first time meeting Namjoon, fetus hair and all, there had never been anything right about their demands of him and what they expected from him. But he had no idea how to do anything about it.
Back then, both he and Namjoon had been rough around the edges. Neither knew how to ask for help, let alone offer it to somebody else. So, Yoongi assumed that Namjoon would handle it himself, and he would get annoyed if Yoongi tried to intervene.
That would be very in character for both of them at that point.
Then, it had just become 'Namjoon can handle it himself' to 'Namjoon wouldn't want me to get involved' to 'Namjoon would have stopped it if it was really something he didn't want.'
It was flawed thinking, he knew that. But denial was easier than reality.
That was until denial was no longer an option he could take.
They were no longer kids, they were no longer strangers. Instead, they were grown men, and Namjoon was one of the most precious people in Yoongi's life. He also meant more than just friends, but that was something he was not ready to think about at all.
That, at least, he was very focused on not focusing on.
But it meant that his eyes would always slide over Namjoon, even when he didn't mean to. So he started to notice not just what was going on but the effect it had on Namjoon.
The man was slowly being worn down, probably had been going down that hill long before Yoongi noticed, but none of them had ever realized.
He would return from meetings with a smile on his face, which he would use to calm them all, but his eyes gave away the deep pain hiding behind them. The pressure was mounting.
Between interviews, especially in English, interviewers would say something to him too fast and accented for Yoongi to catch on, but no matter how much he smiled, how much he laughed and pretended it was nothing, those eyes couldn't laugh.
They should never have let it get this far, never allowed it, but they had made their own bed. So now they had to lie in it.
When they tried, it hadn't gone well, so honestly, Yoongi was all for just trying to figure out what to do.
The problem was he had no idea how to solve this problem, he had no idea if it was even a problem they could fix. He knew Namjoon much better now, he knew the younger rapper wouldn't be angry with him or them in general for speaking up, but he wasn't sure what the reaction would be, and that scared Yoongi.
He wasn't sure how to act or say anything without bursting out the words 'I love you. We love you. Please stop this.'
So, he didn't.
Hoseok didn't know what to think at first.
When he had first joined, he felt early on that while he was meant to be part of the rap line, there was a connection between Yoongi and Namjoon that made it so he always felt like a third party looking in.
Of course, Namjoon and Yoongi tried their best to make him feel welcome. They never left him out on purpose, but there was something about the bond the two had that seemed like such a huge chasm that he couldn't bridge.
But there was one good thing about it. It allowed Hoseok to see things more from the outside even back then. It allowed him to see things that Yoongi didn't see.
The others seemed to think that management only started being rough on Namjoon after they became BTS, that it was only when he became their leader that management would come to him. That the pressure would be on Namjoon before it was on them.
Hoseok had no memory of Namjoon where he wasn't who he was today, overworked and taking the pressure without even being asked to.
It was part of the reason Hoseok had fallen in love with him because he was much less in denial than the other two members of BTS. Hoseok could admit to himself, and if asked, everybody else, that he was in love with Namjoon.
Honestly, Hoseok was shocked that there were people not in love with Namjoon. And even more shocked if there were members of BTS not in love with him. Loving Namjoon was like breathing, never something he really had to try or think about. It just happened, and he wasn’t sure that he would be able to live without it.
Namjoon was just easy to love.
It was why it hurt him so much when Hoseok, day after day, saw what Namjoon did for them. It wasn't just the meetings that he would go to and not bother them with. It was making sure that there were always bookings for practice rooms, cars, and everything else they needed to be successful at their jobs.
It was making sure that groceries were ordered for their place. It was reminding management, as they became more successful, that Jimin didn't like to sleep alone, so they shouldn't book him a solo room. Jimin would be stubborn and worried that he was being a problem, and he wouldn't just crash in somebody else's room. It was making sure that they had their preferred snacks for concerts. It was arguing with management up and down about whether they should be allowed to do solo stuff.
To trust them that they knew what they were doing.
Hoseok should have said something. He should have pointed it out to the rest of them. He should have made sure that everybody knew. He should have done something. It was so much easier to think about than to actually do.
Success was meant to make it easier for them, success was meant to make it easier for Namjoon. Growing older, becoming fully-fledged adults, was meant to make it easier for all of them, and Namjoon would finally get to breathe.
Maybe they would try to figure out these complicated feelings they all had because loving Namjoon was easy, but telling Namjoon that they loved him was hard.
That wasn't what happened. What happened was more work, more stress, and the entire thing wearing out Namjoon more and more. Hoseok was worried that one day, Namjoon was just going to snap.
There was no way that a human was meant to be under this much pressure. At least not for this long. He just... didn't know what to do. There was no guidebook for this.
For Jimin, there was always something weird. Namjoon and he were only a little over a year apart, but Namjoon was also their leader. It was so easy to forget that Namjoon really was the middle child of BTS, sandwiched between the hyung line and the maknae line.
In a moment that he wasn't proud of, Jimin couldn't help but wonder which line Namjoon would have been part of if he wasn't the leader. Would he still be in the hyung line? Or would he get to be part of the maknae line? Jimin thought that Namjoon would be good as part of the maknae line. Always having somebody looking after him, always getting the love and attention he could want.
Jimin knew that their hyungs all worked hard to look after them, even after they had all become grown men. It was just so natural for them. But sometimes Jimin thought that Namjoon would do so well under that same care. If he wasn't their leader, if he just let himself be cared for. Everything would be perfect.
Of course, he would quickly push away those thoughts. He loved that Namjoon was their leader, he loved that Namjoon looked after them. But Namjoon was so overworked that Jimin found himself wishing for a dream where he wasn't.
He had feelings in his chest that he couldn't explain. He dreamt and wished for things to do with Namjoon that he simply couldn't start to explain.
It had started... fuck, he didn't even know when it started. At times, it felt as if the feeling had always been there, and when he looked at the rest of them, he knew they felt it too.
Jimin felt it when Namjoon would make sure that he never had a solo room when they were traveling, always making sure that Jimin wouldn't be alone with his thoughts. Namjoon knew him in ways that Jimin wasn't sure he knew himself.
Namjoon was... everything. He did everything, and Jimin wasn't sure how they would even start to help him. Every time they tried, as much as they tried, Namjoon himself was quick to stop them. It was as if he always wanted to take care of everything, as if he worried if things would change if he was no longer the one taking care of everything.
It was a horrifying thought. That Namjoon really thought that his value was based on what he could do for them. But Jimin didn't know what he could do or what he could say. It was getting worse; he knew it was getting worse. Since they no longer lived together, it seemed that their management was taking advantage of them no longer keeping a constant eye on Namjoon.
It was... shitty.
The best thing Jimin had found was whenever they were on tour, spending as much time as he could with Namjoon. Sometimes that required using puppy dog eyes and making sure Namjoon slept in his room, but it was better than any other idea he had.
Maybe it took him clinging, but just for a night, Namjoon would get to sleep, and Jimin was willing to take what he could get.
Taehyung was not proud of his denial, but he didn't want to see. He felt so powerless, always had. Not only was Namjoon his hyung, but he was also their leader. What could Taehyung even do?
So, it was better to deny that it was happening, to look away, and pretend he saw nothing. When he was younger, it was easier to defend. Back then, he genuinely thought that there was nothing he could do. That there had to be somebody else who could do something! He was the second youngest of the group, and it took him longer than the rest to really get close to Namjoon, so it had to be somebody else's job to make sure that Namjoon was okay.
There had to be somebody other than Taehyung who could step up!
But nobody ever did, and time passed as time tended to do. Taehyung became older, and that excuse that he was just young was no longer viable.
Not only was he older than Namjoon was when this started, but he was also in a more powerful position than Namjoon was at the time when it started. Taehyung could do something. Taehyung should do something.
He wasn't sure he had figured out his emotions for Namjoon. It was this weird mix of... everything. He was pretty sure he was in love, but how could he even know? Did he even deserve to be in love when Namjoon was suffering, and Taehyung was doing nothing to stop it?
He wished he had an answer to all the questions in his head, but he just... didn't. His heart just hurt a lot.
Jungkook... really tried to do something. He was often a doer, not a thinker. "Do first, think preferably never" was his approach, and it also applied to his feelings for Namjoon. It wasn't as if the world didn't already know that he was in love with Namjoon. It was the least well-kept secret anyone had ever seen, but it didn't stop Jungkook from feeling powerless. Out of the six of them, he was the most aware of what was happening.
In reality, from the first moment he had seen Namjoon, he had never been able to look away. The man was breathtaking, even back then when Jungkook was so young he couldn't even explain what the word "love" meant. He just knew that Namjoon was... everything.
Namjoon changed everything for Jungkook. He had multiple companies asking him to join, but from the moment he saw Namjoon, he knew there was no chance he would join any other company. There was just something about Namjoon, even back then. Those dark eyes, the smile he tried to hide, and the way he put together his sentences, it all drew Jungkook in. And yes, even Namjoon's thighs, as much as the rest of the world liked to tease him about it.
Maybe it was Namjoon's kindness, maybe it was the warmth that Jungkook always felt around him, or maybe it was simply Namjoon himself. He would never know, and he wasn't sure that he cared. Namjoon was Namjoon, Namjoon was everything, and that was all that mattered.
So Jungkook had always seen what was going on, but he was also the maknae. He had just met these people, and he knew that what he was feeling was too intense to drop on people he had just met. So, he kept quiet and he watched. And he saw everything.
Just like the rest of them, he felt helpless. He wanted to help Namjoon, even when he was so young. He just wanted to hug Namjoon close and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to take some of the burden, but he knew that Namjoon would be offended if he tried, considering the age difference between them.
He had considered talking to one of the other members, but it seemed that Namjoon wanted to keep everything a secret. So Jungkook watched as the boy he adored turned into the man he loved. He watched Namjoon slowly being worn down by the world, by management, by paparazzi, and everything else.
He watched as Namjoon would smile at him, soft and sweet. Namjoon would hug and hold Jungkook when the younger struggled with the responsibilities of being an idol. Namjoon made him feel safe when nothing else could.
Jungkook wanted nothing more than to repay him for it, to show that he cared for Namjoon just as much as Namjoon cared for them. He wanted to protect Namjoon and keep him safe if only Namjoon would trust them.
But he did nothing, like every other member of BTS, like every other person watching what was going on. Jungkook did nothing. It would never stop being his greatest disappointment and failure in life. And in all honesty, all of them were guilty. They should all hang their heads in shame. They had received nothing but care and love from a mind that was slowly being worn down. From a man who gave his everything and expected nothing in return.
Namjoon was their rock. He was their heart and their soul. He was what kept them safe at night, what made them able to create and dream. He was everything and so much more, and they had failed him. There was no other way around it; they had failed him.
The dark circles under Namjoon's eyes were growing, and instead of standing tall, he seemed to be trying to hide within himself, which was a hard job when you were Namjoon's height.
He seemed to live in fear of his own phone, always knowing what it meant and that the peace he tried to find was once again being disturbed. He always knew that if he didn't go, they would all suffer. So he would go every time, dragging his tired body up from wherever he was standing, smiling an apologetic smile that no longer reached his eyes, and leaving with soft words that he would soon be back stuck on his lips.
It couldn't go on like this anymore.
It was time for a change.
None of them could handle it anymore.
They were so in love with this man who was hurting because he wanted to take care of them. They had to do... something.
They would do something.