Work Text:
“Now what on earth is going on here?”
Grian sighed, eyeing the chaos unfolding before him wearily. It was supposed to be an easy job, not nearly as complicated as the last one. After all, Cleo was literally already a zombie, so they didn’t really need to bother with all the exaggerated safety precautions. How the woman was even alive at all, he wasn’t quite sure, but it wasn’t his place to ask so he kept his mouth shut. Surprisingly enough, Scar had done the same, offering no comment other than “What? That’s so cool! I want to be a zombie too!” at the revelation. What counted was that she wanted to die. Or, well, disappear.
All in all, Cleo had wanted a rather normal death. Apparently, they planned to be crushed by a collapsed building ‘for old times’ sake’. What that meant, he didn’t even want to guess at. But what he did know was that it was boring. No flair, no dramatics, nothing to flash or explode other than a few tiny controlled tnt charges at the base of the unstable foundation. All in all, a very standard job. It was supposed to be easy.
Of course, they had to make sure no one else came to harm during the collapse, so the building had to be empty. With Cleo, they didn’t have to be as careful, but she had pointed out that getting her ribs crushed was not that fun of an experience, even if they couldn’t easily die and didn’t actually need their lungs anymore. So, they had to get her out somehow too. It wasn’t great for their reputation as a death faking business if they accidentally injured their clients.
Unfortunately for them, finding a solution hadn’t been as simple as chorus fruit or a stasis chamber, since the timing was too precise and if anyone saw Cleo as they randomly teleported out of the building, not only would the entire plan fall apart, the organization would be compromised as well. Instead, they located an old, already unstable building with an underlying sewage system, so that their client could escape through an underground tunnel before she was actually buried beneath rubble.
So far the plan, at least.
Surprisingly enough, none of them had really made precautions for an alien abduction taking place. Yet somehow, unlikely as it was, that seemed to be exactly what was happening.
Now, when Scar had chosen a supposed "UFO landing sight", or in other words, a tourist trap selling exaggerated paranormal tours and memorabilia, Grian had been skeptical. It seemed like exactly the sort of place where something unexpected would happen. And while surprises were fun, they did tend to get in the way of them actually completing their jobs.
Unfortunately for him, the small souvenir shop located in what was nearly a historical ruin or at the very least looked the part, had the perfect prerequisites for them to complete their plan. Plus, the distraction basically wrote itself. A small light show, some bright specs projected to the sky and a bit of otherworldly music, and all the visiting alien enthusiasts would most certainly leave the building to see the "UFO" with their own eyes. With this in mind they’d decided, filling Cleo in on the plan.
The client didn’t seem to mind that him and Scar had somehow managed to smuggle in a bit of dramatics after all, merely wanting to know how they’d convincingly fake the corpse. This was an issue the organization ran into with every case, and for a moment Grian’s relief overshadowed his shock as the zombie simply stated "I can get you one if you want!" In a cheerful tone.
"What? How?! Wait, you aren’t a criminal are you?" had been, in his eyes, the only appropriate response really.
"Don’t worry, I’m… not?" It sounded more like a question than a statement, and he’d simply sighed in exasperation.
"Cleo, why do you want to fake your death?"
Usually, this question was asked right during the first planning session. An interesting story was half the price anyone paid for their services. If you didn’t have an interesting story, the job was boring. And if the job was boring, it wasn’t going to get done.
But, luckily (or unlucky) for Cleo, the fact that she was a zombie had kind of thrown them off their game when they conducted the interview, so they never got to ask. It hadn’t helped that when she’d first shown up, their client had been carrying a muddy shovel, hands also covered in dirt up to their elbows. Now that he thought about it, it really was worrying.
"Well, you know, life things."
"I don’t know, actually. Please explain?"
Truly, no one could have expected this.
When they had first worked out the details of the plan and booked Cleo a tour of the "real, one of a kind UFO crash site", they’d thought it was all good.
The explosives were set, as was everything they needed for a distraction. They’d even made sure to check with Bdubs, their building consultant, that the shop’s exterior was truly as unstable as it seemed. And Cleo had somehow obtained a corpse that matched their own height and build. When they’d finally finished the tour there hadn’t even been a cashier behind the store’s register, no one else to worry about for the plan to go ahead.
Grian had been about to give the signal for the distraction to start when the UFO appeared. It was merely a shadow against the bright of the sky, huge and round and pitch black. There were a few lamps on the bottom, with what looked like purple lasers illuminating the ground. A square door opened right in the middle as whatever the thing was hovered above the site.
There was a scream from one of the groups currently on tour, people scattering as a square of light became clear right on them, and in the dead centre of it stood a single person, seemingly frozen.
At the same time, a building collapsed.
Another yell was barely suppressed by the sound of stones crashing down as their hidden light show illuminated the UFO and the specially prepared music disc began to play.
It was then that the person who had been standing right inside the light moved, slowly rising up towards the huge entrance, silhouetted against a halo of purple.
For a moment, there was silence, only the faintest music crackling in the background from a radio somewhere in the collapsed store. It cut out at random places and seemed scratchy, distorted. Grian could nearly believe it had been placed there on purpose, simply to make this moment all the more surreal.
Every person on the premises seemed frozen in place as the guide reached the top of the UFO, doors ever so slowly and quietly gliding shut, trapping her inside.
As the object rose, there was a resounding bang that seemed to bring everyone back to reality as they sprang into movement again, just in time to see the final part of the building crumble in on itself. Of course one tnt had ignited late. He’d always been terrible with redstone.
Excited babble began almost immediately, and Grian’s phone buzzed in confirmation that yes, their client had arrived safely. Fine. So, he was simply going to ignore whatever had happened back there, content with a job well done.
And that plan would have gone so well, simply ignoring the problem until it went away on its own. It would have gone so well, if there hadn’t suddenly been a yelled "HAWKEYE!" from behind him.
Grian wanted to scream.
The fading shape of the UFO burst into flames.
He arrived at the crash site first, Scar and Cleo both at his side, just in time to catch two people climbing from the wreckage of what still, even up close, seemed to be a genuine alien ship. Grian couldn’t for the life of him figure out how that thing stayed up in the air, and frankly, he didn’t think he ever would. But that didn’t seem too important right now, because he recognized the man currently attempting to flee.
"Mumbo?! Excuse me??"
His friend turned around slowly, hands raised in a placating gesture.
"Hi Grian my friend, how are you doing? Unfortunately we don’t have time to chat at the moment, but I’ll make sure to call you up some time soon." He turned quickly, pulling the kidnapped tour guide with him as they moved towards the forest. Of course, Grian followed.
Once they’d reached the safety of the tree line, he grabbed his friend’s arm, pulling him back.
"Explain yourself."
"Well, you know, I was doing… work. Yeah, work! Testing my, umm, new plane. Yup." Grian couldn’t remember when he’d ever been less convinced by an excuse.
It was at this moment that the stranger, who’d so far been standing next to Mumbo in silence, spoke up: "He was helping fake my death. Hi, my name is Pearl! I own the UFO site."
"He what?? Excuse me, what did you say?"
"Mumbo! How could you?" Scar gasped at nearly the same time, sounding just as offended and betrayed as Grian felt.
"Oh, yeah, these guys did the same for me!" They all turned to face Cleo, who’d previously stood in the shadows, forgotten. "I’m Zombiecleo!" She grinned.
He was about to reply when he noticed Mumbo slowly moving away from the group, a feeble attempt of escaping deeper into the underbrush.
"Hey! You stay right here!" He called out, aiming his bow threateningly until the man hesitantly returned to the group.
"Fine, fine, I can explain! Pearl came to me, yeah? And I was procrastinating, as one does. So I thought, you know, why not help a woman in need? Surely I did nothing wrong here."
"That seems a little unfair, why do you get to work the fun dramatic cases? Also, you could have just referred her to us! This is literally our job!"
"Well, it’s my job now too."
"What?!"
"You know. I’m… starting a business. Haven’t you heard? Mumbo’s murders, that’s what I’ll call it. Yeah. That was absolutely my plan all along."
"You literally work for us. You’re already part of a death faking business. You can’t just start a rival company, that’s not how this works!"
"Oh yeah? Watch me."
Grian buried his face in his hands and actually screamed, muffling his voice as much as he could. Why did this always happen to him? He was already an agent of chaos, how were both his best friends actually worse?
All of this would have been so easy if they’d simply had Cleo drown, make her walk the plank or something similar. It would have fit their backstory. But no, someone desperately wanted to be crushed by tons of stone instead.