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The train's long, slow horn shattered the murky night. The subdued sloshing of the Schuylkill River against its muddy confines was overruled by the industrial cry of the chugging beast. Kaia twitched and sweated as she was held in the clammy grip of the Bad Place in her nightmares. She cried out with a silent scream and woke up gasping and shaking. She wiped the cold sweat from her lip with a chilled hand. She pulled the sodden blanket she found two weeks ago over her shoulders. A heavy dew sat on the woven fleece and her movement soaked the fabric through. It was useless now.
She pushed the blanket off her shoulders and curled legs and shivered anew. The blanket fell to the abandoned depot's floor with a wet slap. She shook her hands to warm them up and twisted the fleece. A shower of gray water streamed through her fingers and she wiped her hands on her cold jeans. Her muddy leather hiking boots had somehow dried in the damp air. Her stomach pinched with hunger and she considered leaving the blanket as a loss for this endless leg of her perpetual journey and personal hell.
The train hooted mournfully in the near distance on its way to the now defunct, but not really deserted depot. Trash and transient encampments now populated the depot. Kaia stood up creaking from the cold and terror. She shrugged her heavy pack off her shoulders and shook the wet blanket out. She hung it over the nearest guardrail and straightened the edges so it would dry…eventually. It would sit there waiting for the next shivering transient after she was long gone.
Her hands started to shake and she knew she had to get a move on. The withdrawals always begin after the nightmares and if she timed things right, she could get another hit before nightfall. Her sanity depended on it.
Not many transients traveled by rail anymore. The simple maintenance on locking doors and patrolling the ballast cut down on stowaways, but the death of the rail system in America did leave empty depots for the homeless to temporarily burrow into. Kaia followed the track like many other transients, but as a pathway or campsite, not an actual ride. The patrols kept stowaways from jumping the train, but did less than nothing to keep the encampments out of the trees and bridges around the thoroughfares.
Kaia hitched her heavy pack and strapped the cross straps across her chest. She shook the dew from her head and wished she still had a beanie. Her hair dripped wet against her forehead and down her shirt. One of the other transients saw her stir and nodded acknowledgment.
“Little Sister,” the voice croaked. Kaia smiled thinly and looked, but didn’t take a step closer. A shaking hand with holey gloves beckoned her closer. Kaia took a cautious step towards the stranger, she hadn’t suffered too much violence at the hands of other transients, but she didn’t feel like sharing her story much either. The hand pulled the beanie from its head and Kaia understood the gesture. She tried to refuse, but the hand held it out and shook it.
“You’ll be traveling then, you’ll need it ‘fore I do,” the old man (?) said. Kaia didn’t want to argue and the other transients had started stirring. She really didn’t want to draw any more attention to her comings and goings. She snatched the beanie, begrudgingly, “Thank you,” she said politely. The croaky voice let loose a croaky laugh.
“Take care of yourself, huh. And each other when you can,” the old man sighed and settled back into his corner. He pulled his hood up over his head and shakily pulled the strings closed. His breath puffed out like a dragon’s but from wrinkled lips. He crossed his arms and seemed to drift off in the placeless sleep of street life.
Kaia's boots sunk into the gravel packed along the tracks. Her head steamed from her wet hair and now the confined heat of her body under the beanie. The fog hung heavy through the swath of gravel and steel between the trees. Without the train’s presence, the river in the early night was peaceful. Residents in homes were already tucked away and bar hopping was downtown, not here. The freighter puffed and huffed along the track intersecting the depot's driveway. Kaia tugged her jacket close preparing for the blast of wind from the churning wheels. The engineers don't honk the horn for pedestrians along the track…just across the track.
The ground around her rumbled and gravel bounced up and down like an earthquake. The tiny rocks skittered and scattered under her steps. Her steps didn’t feel guaranteed to land on stable ground, but she trudged along. The train rumbled past her, kicking rocks and debris at dangerous speeds. She shielded her face and tucked her nose and mouth into the collar of her ragged sweatshirt. Her body tingled with returned warmth and the icy air was flushed with the hot, oily hurricane from its buffers. She felt engulfed in the sharp, hot frenzy. The sensation is almost enough to distract her as the inevitable shakes started to rippling from her spine.
It’s certainly enough to banish her nightmares from her mind…for now.
◇
Kaia found the dive bar, Oscar’s, where she had heard a dealer was operating out of. Her stomach ached with hunger, but the clump of dollars and coins she got from panhandling yesterday was enough for one or the other, not both. After a hit, she could ride the initial high out someplace safe and then go about getting more money. She considered checking into rehab for a couple days of food and a bed, but was reluctant to get arrested for even shoplifting these days. Rehab and the mental hospital she could handle, county was more than she could handle. And with her various misdemeanors, she worried that they’d throw the book at her and she might never get out.
No one was waiting in the wings to defend her.
The bass boomed against the brick walls. The alley was plastered with flyers, missing children, pets, rehab tear offs and church outreach. She had made good time making it from the outskirts of town at the depot to the slums of downtown Philadelphia. It was not an arduous walk, if you knew where to walk.
Kaia hung around the back door in the alley trying not to fidget and shuffle too much. She needed to blend in with the walls and garbage cans as much as possible. It was the cities that made her nervous. She pressed her back against the old brick wall and tried to think back to when her grandmother had cared for her in her little clapboard house in the plains of South Dakota. Or when her mother would rock her to sleep even as a big kid and hum "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, All dressed in black, black, black…" to help keep the nightmares away. She found herself humming the tune mindlessly and clutching her elbows. She tried to think about something else besides the shakes and sick to her stomach feeling that leads to panic. If she doesn’t find some form of amphetamine somewhere, her exhausted body would demand sleep and she would be captive to her night terrors. She dared a little to hope that Derek Swan would get back to her. The Oglala Sioux dreamwalker had been corresponding with her when she could get internet access from the public libraries. He said he could help her control her dreams and Kaia’s heart flutters with the glimmer of hope that one day she might not be afraid to close her eyes–
The back door to Oscar’s opened and the bass thumped and the klaxon rang for Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love:”
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I run from you
This tainted love you've given
A man with dark sunglasses stepped out and lit a cigarette in the dull, damp night. The flame lit his black sunglasses and made the rims glow white. The bright white blurred in the haze. Kaia stepped away from the walls and stared hungrily at the man. He took a long drag of the cigarette and plucked it from his lips. He stared back at her and walked quickly past her without saying anything.
Now, I know I've got to run away
I've got to get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right you need someone to hold you tight
Kaia fell in step beside him and pulled a wad of wet, crumpled cash out of her pocket. With shaking hands, she pulled the bills flat and showed the man the corners so he could count it at a glance.
“Not even an 8-ball,” he said viciously.
“Please,” Kaia begged, “That’s all I need. Please?”
“Check yourself into rehab, kid, best chance you got. ‘Less you gonna whore.”
“Please,” Kaia shoved the cash into the man’s arm, “That’s all.” The man stopped walking and took another drag, his smoke and hot breath making a foul cloud around them both in the dank alley.
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love
Tainted love
“Come on,” he grunted. Kaia followed, shaking with fear this time that the treacherous dragon would welch and it would turn into something else.
“Please,” she begged and chased him. The man spun around and shoved a small plastic bag into her outstretched hand while snatching the cash from hers.
“Get lost. You gonna draw the wrong kind of crowd.” He skulked into the fog and turned a corner without another word and left a thick cloud in the fog that stank of smoke not silt and river.
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm gonna pack my things and go
Tainted love (oh)
Tainted love (oh)
Kaia dropped behind a dumpster, crunching her backpack against the brick wall. She crouched with her knees to her chest and pulled a lighter and rounded pipe from her pocket. She dropped the blue-white rock into the wide tube. She lit the bottom of the bulb and watched desperately as the rock liquified and a thick white smoke filled the fat tube.
She found herself muttering aloud as it melted and waited for the pipe to fill to capacity. The white smoke just touched the lip of the fat tube when she sucked it into her lungs. She held it in her mouth and could feel the initial buzz hit her olfactory nerve. She exhaled and felt the jolt of a need met. She inhaled another lungfull and let her head drop back.
Touch me, baby, tainted love
Touch me, baby, tainted love
Tainted love (oh)
Tainted love (oh)
Tainted love
She told herself tonight she’ll figure it out. She’ll check into rehab…the dealer was right. Rehab was her best chance. They’ll have internet. She’d email Derek again. He’d help her. He said he would. He said he could. She will.
One day I won’t be afraid. Tomorrow will be different.