Chapter Text
If Dan were going to be completely honest— and he was nothing if not a brutally and overly honest individual— he never actually expected things to turn out the way they did.
It started with a phone call in the middle of the night, cutting shrilly into the silence of his empty room and startling him awake.
“Gah— what’s it?! Hello??”
“MROW-!!” Mr. Mumbles, his little dustbunny of a cat, yowled in confused anger at her sleep’s abrupt disruption, springing from her perch upon Dan’s chest in a flurry of swiping paws. She frightfully attached herself to his face by her talon-sharp claws, eliciting a pained yell from her owner as she scratched him with cartoonish abandon.
“OW— MR. MUMBLES, PLEASE STOP !!” He cried out as the phone continued its incessant ringing, trying to wrestle his skittish kitty away from his face with very little success.
Ring…
Ring…
“Seriously— OUCH!! That HURTS—GAHH get OFF!!”
After a few more seconds of struggle Dan was finally able to free himself from Mr. Mumbles’ onslaught.
“Why must you hurt me this way, every single time??” He asked as she licked her claws clean of microscopic bits of his flesh and blood. She let out a cute and sleepy chirp in response before scuttling away to continue her slumber.
The phone continued its high pitched ringing just a few feet from his head. Dan cringed, his newly formed cat scratches only serving to aggravate his grumpy mood.
“STUPID, FUC— GAHH !!” He shouted incoherently, kicking feebly in the air in an attempt to free himself from his messy heap of blankets.
“Somebody better be dead- !!” he snarled, reaching over to his side table to grab his phone. Just as he was about to answer, though, the phone ceased its ringing and he was left in silence once more.
The sharp snap of ‘WHAT?!’ died on his tongue as the silence stretched on, and after a few more seconds of quiet Dan physically deflated. His hand hovered over the phone’s neck for a moment longer before he retracted it with a shrug.
“Huh. Guess it was a wrong number—!”
He was suddenly cut off by a second bout of ringing, and while part of him knew that it was impossible, it’s blaring felt even louder than it did the first round.
Dan was quicker to answer this time, and just as he was about to assault the person on the other end with a torrent of curses of both known and unknown origin, he was met with the frantic ramblings of his best friend.
“Dan! Oh, thank goodness you answered, I—“
“Chris?” Dan interrupted, his already mounting irritation reaching new heights. “Do you have ANY idea what time it is right now?”
“Uh… it’s just about 2 in the morning, but I—“
“Why the HELL are you calling me at 2 in the morning?!” He interrupted, again, raising his voice incredulously. “You know that’s my thing, you pea brained bear-man, get your own!”
Dan paused to take a steadying breath before he noticed the sound of an engine running idly on the other end of the line.
“Also, why does it sound like you’re in a car right now? Are you driving?”
“…Uh, yeah, about that—“ Chris replied slowly and awkwardly, clearing his throat as his voice began to waver, “I’m actually outside your building right now. Elise is kind of upset with me and—“
“—Ugh, Elise. That’s just typical.” Dan growled, fully climbing out of bed and padding his way towards his front door. “Whatever you did or said, don’t apologize for it. Let her stew in her self imposed isolation chamber.”
“Dan, this is serious!”
Dan rolled his eyes and sneered, making a face at his friends response. He made quick work of unlocking his front door and sat himself down on his couch with a tired huff.
“Just hurry up and get inside already!! I unlocked the door for you and the longer you take, the more likely it is for a masked assailant to sneak their way in first.”
“That’s not—“ Chris started before cutting himself off and sighing. “…Never mind. Thank you, Dan.”
With that, the line went dead and Dan tossed his phone unceremoniously onto the couch beside him. It bounced once before landing on the floor with a clattering thump. A few seconds passed before there was a soft knock on the door announcing his friends arrival, and it quickly swung open to reveal a wrecked-looking Chris.
“Jesus Christ, dude, you look terrible. What happened?” Dan asked, his curiosity overriding any annoyance he felt moments before. Chris hung his head defeatedly and sighed before stepping inside, closing the door behind him.
“I’m… not really sure, to be honest.” He admitted, sniffling pathetically and wiping his eyes. “I think I screwed up, though.”
‘Oh, no, not the crying!’ Dan thought anxiously, quickly getting to his feet.
“Uh— Okay, c’mon now! There’s no need for waterworks, buddy!” He yelped in a panic, hovering awkwardly at Chris’ side as the taller man buried his face in his hands. Dan was a few seconds away from completely losing his composure at this point.
“Chris, stop it!” He barked. He paused, realizing that he probably sounded a little too harsh, and tried again. “Just… go sit down. Now, please.”
“Okay…” Was the muffled, nearly inaudible response
Chris dragged his feet over to Dan’s couch and dropped himself onto the heavily used perch. He kept his face hidden for a few more seconds before letting out another sigh, furiously wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
Dan gave Chris a few seconds to explain himself before he, quite predictably, grew impatient and frustrated.
“Alright, so, do you mind telling me what the heck is going on or are you planning on leaving me in the dark?” Dan asked, crossing his arms and staring Chris down with a heatless glare.
Chris glanced down at his feet meekly and laced his fingers together, looking both thoughtful and discomfited.
“Well, Elise has sort of been on edge recently, but I’m not really sure why.” He said, looking back up to meet Dan’s eye. “She’s been snapping at me more often. Most of it is work related, I think, but..”
“Elise, snapping at you? Gee, what else is new?” Dan asked, planting his fists on his hips and rolling his eyes. “Chris, no offense, but your wife has the emotional range of a Komodo dragon on a good day.”
Chris looked appalled by the insult, staring aghast at the other man.
“Dan, that is SUPER uncalled for.” He scolded, looking for a moment as if he were about to get up and leave. “And that’s rich coming from you! I can hardly remember the last time I saw you laugh at something that wasn’t at the expense of someone else!”
“Whatever, mom, we’re not talking about me right now.” Dan said dismissively, striding over to the couch and planting himself next to Chris with an expectant look on his face.
He wasn’t sure how to phrase his next thought, but he couldn’t help the small seed of worry growing in the back of his mind.
“She didn’t, like… beat you up, did she?”
“What?! Of course not!” Chris squawked, going bug-eyed at his friends seemingly outlandish question. “Dan, Elise would never hurt me, I swear. It’s nothing like that.”
Something tight in Dan’s chest relaxed and he sighed, quietly relieved.
“So why were you crying, then?” He asked. Chris scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably.
“…We got into an argument.” He said, looking at his feet agin. “It was over something small, initially— she was up in the kitchen working on some chemistry stuff for work, I guess, and I walked in on her because I woke up feeling hungry—”
“HA! Of course.”
“…Yeah. Anyway.” Chris huffed, glaring at Dan briefly before looking away again.
“Elise got upset because she was, in her words, working on something molecularly unstable and didn’t want me around to mess it up and set her back on months worth of research. Which was hurtful, might I add—“
“—I’ve been trying to tell you that she’s a jerk!” Dan interrupted, shaking his fist in the air angrily. “But have you EVER listened to me, even once? No, of course not!”
“Elise is NOT a jerk, Dan!” Chris shot back, scrambling to his feet and glaring down at his friend with teary, bloodshot eyes. Dan, in a rare moment of self reflection, decided to keep his mouth shut.
“Like I was saying, my feelings were kind of hurt after that, so I asked her why she wasn’t working on her science stuff in the garage if it was so important to keep me out of the way.” Chris explained, and after a few seconds, a regretful look crossed his face.
“I, uh, might have called her work stupid in the heat of the moment.”
That drew a sharp laugh from Dan before he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth, trying and failing to silence himself. Chris gave him an withering look but otherwise didn’t comment.
“So, yeah, it sort of escalated from there— our garage is full of crap that we don’t use right now, and she brought that up as the reason why the kitchen was her only viable option as a workspace… and then the comments started getting weirdly personal after that.”
Dan felt something hard settle in his chest at his friends words. He didn’t do well with these kinds of serious talks, and he was very quickly realizing he was out of his depth.
“Uh, do you want—“
“—I don’t want to talk about it.” Chris cut him off, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. There was a momentary stretch silence between them before Chris sighed, sending Dan a vulnerable look. “Not right now.”
“Fine by me.” Dan said, feigning nonchalance. “So, did the wench kick you out or what?”
“Don’t call her that, Dan.” Chris said, a clear warning in his voice. Dan raised his hands in surrender but kept his expression carefully blank. “And, no, she didn’t kick me out. But I could feel it in my gut that she wanted to be alone, so I left.”
“You—“
“—No! I haven’t ‘left her’ in that sense.” Chris said firmly, eyebrows pinching into a singular angry line. He had a deep, thoughtful frown on his face, and he closed his eyes. “I just couldn’t take being there anymore, not when we obviously needed to put some space between us.”
Dan wasn’t sure what to say to that. On one hand, he’d been pretty much waiting for this moment since the day Chris announced he and and Elise were engaged, and that had been almost six years ago. On the other hand, seeing his best friend this miserable left a sour feeling in his stomach.
“I’m sorry for dropping this all on you, by the way.” Chris said quietly, looking rather embarrassed now. “I know that it’s late and that relationship stuff isn’t really your, uh, area of expertise.”
“For your sake, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that last part.” Dan said, getting to his feet and dusting his shoulders off. He reached down to grab his discarded phone, biting his tongue when he noticed one of the buttons was missing from the keypad.
“…And anyway, it’s fine.” He said, shrugging and putting his phone in the waistband of his shorts. “Obviously I don’t have any spare blankets for you but you can sleep on the couch for now. I’m going back to bed.”
“Oh! Uh, thanks, Dan. That really means a lot.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
With that, Dan retreated to his room for the remainder of the night. It only took a few minutes before he was once again thrust back into a dreamless slumber, blissfully unaware of his friends fitful stirring.
—
The next morning had Dan feeling only slightly worse for wear. He slowly peeled his eyes open, going against his natural instinct to bury his face in his pillow, and squinted blearily against the green tinted light pooling in through his window.
“Ugh.”
It took him a moment for his sleep addled brain to fully adjust to being awake, and after a few seconds of mental buffering he remembered that he wasn’t actually alone in the apartment.
“Oh, right. Chris is here.” Dan muttered to himself, stretching languidly in his messy bed before deciding it would be best to actually check on his friend now that his presence was acknowledged.
He crawled out of bed and unsteadily got to his feet, eyes still struggling to remain open. Just as he was about to cross his bedroom, one of his feet got tangled in his blanket and he was sent careening to the floor in a graceless heap.
“Grrrr….” He growled irritably, slowly getting to his knees and rubbing his newly forming sore spots. “If I had a gun, I’d use it on you first.”
The blanket said nothing in response, still strewn innocently across the floor.
Dan huffed a breath, got to his feet and lightly dusted himself off.
“You’re going on the list.”
However, instead of actually jotting anything down in his notebook, Dan merely continued forward into the living room.
Chris was sitting upright on the couch, looking absolutely haggard— and if Dan were to take a guess, he’d go on the assumption that Chris had been awake all night. He glanced over at the clock on his oven and saw that it was quickly approaching noontime.
“Yeesh, buddy, you don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good.” Chris replied dully, voice small and unsteady. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Uh, yeah, that much is apparent.” Dan said, tone taking a sardonic edge. When Chris didn’t offer a reply, the shorter man began to shuffle on his feet awkwardly. “Um. I’m guessing that the couch wasn’t exactly a relaxing paradise for you last night, haha,”
“It’s not that.” Chris said quietly. His eyes were a little too wide, an anxious frown taking residence and marring his handsome face. “I mean, that’s part of it, sure, but mostly… I just. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the argument I had with Elise.”
Ugh.
“Okay, Chris, I need you to listen and listen closely.”
“…Uh, alright? What is it?”
“You have to stop thinking about it.”
Chris looked absolutely flabbergasted at the suggestion.
“Pardon??” He asked dumbly, his confused expression only growing in cartoonish exaggeration as his friend refused to elaborate. “Dan, please be serious for a minute. I can’t just NOT think about it— Elise is my wife and I love her.”
Dan stuck out his tongue in disgust.
“Oh, barf.” He muttered under his breath, barely making an attempt to keep his comment unheard. “Whatever, I’m not talking about the long term. You look like you’re two seconds away from crumbling into a fine powder. Not to pull a Mother Chris or anything but you need to get some sleep. Now.”
“But—“
“Now.” He repeated, firmly, before grabbing Chris’ wrist and yanking him back towards his bedroom.
“Ah, Dan— ow!! You’re squeezing my wrist too hard, cut it out!!”
“Be quiet and get in the bed, Chris!” Dan snapped. There was a weird feeling of protectiveness that he usually only expressed towards Mr. Mumbles taking residence in his stomach.
“Alright!” Chris snapped back, sparing Dan’s bed a momentary look of discomfort before crawling in with a grumpy frown. “There. Happy?”
“Obviously not.” Dan huffed, crossing his arms. He fixed Chris with a glare, silently daring the other to move. “Now lay down and go the fuck to sleep. I’ll be in the other room watching my stories with Mr. Mumbles— don’t bother us if you know what’s good for you.”
“…Fine.”
And with that, Chris finally complied, curling up awkwardly on his side and squeezing his eyes shut. Dan rolled his eyes and turned towards his door, feeling his shoulders slowly relax. He sent one final glance at Chris over his shoulder before shaking his head and leaving him to rest.
When he got back in the living room, he took a moment to just stand there and think about what the heck was happening.
Chris and Elise… were having marital problems?
Is that what was going on?
He felt a fuzzy little body rub up against his leg, interrupting his train of thought.
“Mrow?” Mr. Mumbles chirped at him curiously, staring into Dan’s eyes with an inquisitive expression— or as inquisitive of an expression as a cat could make.
Dan couldn’t help but smile down at her adorable face. He reached down to scoop her up, allowing her to nuzzle his cheeks without resistance.
“Good morning, Mr. Mumbles!!” He said with uncharacteristic sweetness, planting a couple of affectionate kisses on her fluffy forehead.
“And to answer your question— Yes, Chris is still here. So it looks like we’re spending the day on the couch instead of lounging in bed like normal people.”
“Mrow.”
“I know, I’m not exactly thrilled about it either. You know I prefer waking up on my own time.” He said, gently placing the little cat onto the couch. “But the poor guy’s snake of a wife basically tossed him to the curb like a wet sack of garbage. I might as well throw him a bone.”
“Mrow?”
“Sorry, Mr. Mumbles— no more dog adjacent turns of phrase.”
Dan then went about his regular morning routine of using the bathroom, getting dressed and watching tv while scrounging the premises for something to eat.
The first two things were much easier than the last, as he had just finished off the last of his food supply the night before. All that remained was a can of cat food, which obviously wasn’t an option for him.
Mr. Mumbles, however, trilled eagerly, circling Dan’s ankles as he cracked it open and served it to her on a little porcelain dish.
“Here you go, kitty. Go wild.”
She immediately took to it, gobbling it down with messy little chomps.
“Aww~” Dan cooed, watching as the little fluff ball demolished her late breakfast. As he observed he suddenly heard, rather than felt, his own stomach begin to growl.
“Gah, I’m starving!” He groaned, rubbing his stomach briefly to alleviate some of the discomfort. “…Guess it’s Burgerphile for breakfast again, Mr. Mumbles.”
The little cat just looked up at him, her face completely covered in wet food. She then began clumsily cleaning herself, soon returning to her mostly-clean state.
“Ooh, good girl, Mr. Mumbles~! You’re getting so much better at grooming yourself~! Yes you are~!”
“Mrow~”
Dan gave his kitty an affectionate scratch behind her ears before casting a glance towards his bedroom. He furrowed his brow, debating whether or not he should check on Chris or leave him be— his natural misanthropic nature silently urged him to just go get his food and not give his troubled friend another thought.
Dan wasn’t that much of an asshole, though— and so he made his way over to his room to peer in through the doorway.
Chris was fast asleep, snoring like a bear, his resting form much more relaxed than it had been about fifteen minutes prior. Dan’s blanket was still in a heap on the floor, right where he left it.
Dan clicked his tongue irritably and strode forward, picked up the blanket and wordlessly draped it over his sleeping friend.
He then turned on his heel, grabbed his keys and marched out the front door.
“You’re in charge, Mr. Mumbles!” He called over his shoulder before locking up and trodding to his car.
He spotted Chris’ car parked in the spot next to his, and right on the other side was a hoard suspiciously gleeful children.
“Hey, you snot nosed little brats!” He shouted, running at the group with his fists flying every which-way. “Get the hell out of here before I decide to contact the authorities! I’m not above letting the cops haul your asses off to the big house!”
The children screamed in terror, their voices overlapping with phrases such as;
“AHHHH!! Run, everyone, this guy’s nuts!”, “Not the cops!!” and “What the heck is a big house?!”
In a matter of seconds the kids dispersed, dropping what was in their hands and abandoning the scene.
Two cans of spray paint were all that remained of the group, along with the mess they left behind. The entire right side of Chris’ car was littered with uneven streaks of red and black, while his rear window was almost completely blacked out.
“Jesus, those kids are a bunch of animals.” Dan muttered, reaching into his back pocket and extracting his notebook. He jotted down ‘neighborhood children’ in his usual chicken scratch and vowed to get revenge on Chris’ behalf.
Placing the notebook back in his pocket, Dan climbed into his car and started the ignition. It sputtered to life with a bit of resistance at first, but was soon on his way to Burgerphile.
He pulled up to the drive thru speaker and ordered himself a plain hamburger with no cheese and extra ketchup packets— and with a bit of thought, added on two double stackers and onion rings for Chris.
Once he arrived at the window he pulled Chris’ credit card from his wallet and handed it to the cashier. He then wordlessly snatched up his bag of food, Chris’ credit card, and headed back to his apartment.
When he returned, everything was exactly as he’d left it— and if he listened hard enough, he could hear Chris’ heavy snoring in the other room.
He kicked his shoes off at the door and locked up, pulling his burger from the bag and tossing the rest in the fridge.
Dan noticed absently that Mr. Mumbles wasn’t waiting for him where she normally would be, but shrugged it off as he knew that she was an independent girl and would do whatever she wanted.
He collapsed in a boneless heap on his couch, burger in hand, and turned the television on. He spent a good two hours surfing through the 10 channels he had at his disposal before he heard Chris’ cell phone chiming from the other room.
There was a bit of a commotion that followed— first were the startled yowls of Mr. Mumbles coming from his room, which answered the question of where she went. Then there was the sound of Chris fumbling around blindly as he looked for his phone.
Dan quietly got to his feet and crept over to his bedroom door, shamelessly attempting to eavesdrop on his friend’s phone call on the off chance that he was being contacted by his wife.
Chris eventually located his phone and managed to accept the incoming call before it went to voice mail. Dan couldn’t make out much of anything that Chris said, as he spoke in a hushed tone, but he had a feeling that his hunch about the other person being Elise was right.
Deciding to give up on spying on Chris, as it was clear that it wasn’t amounting to much, Dan sauntered back over to the couch to wait for him. He knew that his friend wouldn’t be going back to sleep after being roused that suddenly.
A few minutes later Chris finally emerged from Dan’s room, looking vaguely rested but even more depressed than he had that morning.
“Heyy, sleeping beauty.” Dan said, grinning at his friend teasingly. “Were you conversing with the wicked witch of the east just now?”
Chris puffed out his cheeks in annoyance before rubbing a tired hand across his face.
“Those characters aren’t even from the same story, Dan.” Chris replied sullenly. “…And yes, I just got off the phone with Elise. She called to apologize for last night, but…”
“Ugh, ‘but’ what?”
“She said that it would be best if… we stayed apart for a few more days.”
That piqued Dan’s interest.
“No way, seriously?!” He asked, pinching himself to see if he was hallucinating. “Chris, what the hell happened to make Elise actually kick you out? I thought you guys were just having a spat or something.”
“She didn’t kick me out, Dan!” Chris said, exasperated. “It was just an argument that got out of hand. But, I guess it sort of brought some underlying problems we had in the past back to the surface.”
“Ooh, what sort of problems are we talking about, exactly?” Dan asked, threading his fingers together with interest. “Wait, don’t tell me— she found the panic room that I built for myself under your garage last summer.”
“Actually, she found that almost four months ago when we were decluttering.” Chris replied casually before seeming to remember himself. “And I already told you that I didn’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Fine, don’t tell me, see if I care.” Dan huffed, rolling his eyes petulantly. “By the way, I grabbed you some lunch from Burgerphile while you were unconscious. It’s in the fridge.”
That seemed to be enough to brighten Chris’ mood.
“Really? That’s so nice of you, Dan, thanks!”
“You should thank yourself, pal, I used your card to buy it.”
“…Of course you did…” Chris sighed, shaking his head before opening the fridge and taking his food out of the paper bag. He didn’t bother with heating it up, opting to eat it cold as he stood at the counter.
After watching his friend completely annihilate his food in under two minutes, Dan fixed him with a contemplative look.
“So. I guess this means that you’re out of a place to stay until Elise decides otherwise, right?”
Chris gave him a sheepish expression, wiping away the food crumbs from his hands on his pants.
“Kind of, yeah. I was actually going to ask you if I could crash here for a few days.” He said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “If that’s okay with you, of course. Otherwise I might have to consider looking into some motels nearby.”
“Blugh. Screw motels, those places are all infested with three generations worth of plague and disease.” Dan said, waving away the suggestion and giving his friend a pointed look.
“I’ll grant you residency on my couch if you swear not to get on my ass about my personal habits. If I’m walking around without pants on, I don’t want to hear a word about it.”
“Oh! Uh, that’s fine!” Chris said, looking a little surprised at how receptive Dan was being. “It’s your apartment, I don’t expect you to make any compromises on my account.”
“I knew I raised you right.” Dan said, patting the empty spot on the couch beside him. “Now sit down. I’m trying to watch Ohio Moms.”
“Okay. Thanks, Dan.”
They spent the next hour watching trashy reality television before Dan remembered something from earlier.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention— there were some kids vandalizing your car a few hours ago.”
Chris spluttered in shock, going slack-jawed and pale.
“What?!”
—
Later that evening Chris went back to his house to grab some essentials— like blankets, spare clothes, and toiletries for the bathroom. Dan offered to tag along, if only to witness his friend’s reaction once he saw the streaks of paint on the side of his car, but Chris insisted on going alone.
In any case, it didn’t take long for the other man to return. He arrived with a sizable duffel bag, which seemed to be stuffed to the brim with everything he’d be needing for the foreseeable future.
A small part of Dan was reminded of their younger days, and he couldn’t help but feel somewhat nostalgic at the sight.
Regardless of the why, he was happy to have his friend to himself again.