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Atsushi hated the tiger. All the causes of his misfortunes, all the causes of anyone else’s misfortunes, was because of his stupid white tiger. There was nothing he could do to get rid of it, and he was still unsure of whether he should, when he still uses it to fight evil.
Like the first time he fought Akutagawa properly: he was sloppy, and his movements were uncalculated, rage coursed through him, and he let the tiger take its own course. He threw punch after punch with lightning speed and overcame Rashoumon’s dark strength with his greater predatorial strength. In the moment, he only managed to collect such power with his blinding passion to protect Kyouka and prove himself useful to the Armed Detective Agency. There wasn’t unity between him and the tiger, but it only worked because Atsushi allowed the tiger to completely consume him – he didn’t regret those moments, but he still wished he could be rid of the tiger.
It never served him pleasantly in the past. For instance, the first time he met Akutagawa was because of his tiger. With a bounty on his head from Fitzgerald, Akutagawa was on the hunt for the beast, which led to the near death of his colleagues, Tanizaki and Naomi. He’ll never forget the pure dread that ran through his veins. The ringing thoughts…
‘Is this my fault, too?’
Blame the tiger.
‘Do I make everyone suffer just by being around me?’
Blame the tiger.
Every single time, Atsushi blamed the tiger, but perhaps for his own sanity. If he had blamed himself, then how would he end up? The thoughts would never stop, and he’d end up drowning in his own guilt. So deep down, Atsushi was selfish. Truly, the real Atsushi remained fighting as the white tiger that hurt everyone, the one that even broke his inner child at the orphanage, in order to protect the face of ‘Atsushi’ he desperately wished for everyone to see.
All the whips he took to his body, all the degrading shouts of his housemasters, all the torture he went through; all of that was because of the tiger. As a child, Atsushi didn’t know what he was being punished for, or why everyone hated him. As soon as he found out it was because of the tiger, the day he found out his headmaster died on the way to see him as the new version of Atsushi who had accepted his true form, he realised the truth behind his actions. But there were still mixed feelings: did he try to protect him from releasing the tiger, or did he try to train him for the real evil in the world?
After needing to be comforted by Dazai, Atsushi settled with the latter – the treatment he received while being unaware of the tiger within him only made it easier for him to cope with it when he would (begin to) embrace it. He was able to not experience discomfort when he thought of Akutagawa after he had won against him in a fight as the tiger – see! The tiger was simply protecting him.
So, if Atsushi took deep breaths and remembered that the fur of a tiger is still soft, maybe Atsushi won’t be seen as the white beast, but as the sweet boy, who never says no to people, and is always eager to get his work done (so long as he’s being helpful).
But to Akutagawa, the weretiger only seemed to be a pushover.
The first time they met, Atsushi put the lives of his colleagues before himself, and that annoyed him. Not only could the idiot not protect himself (or anybody for that matter), but he tried so hard to impress others, only to fail. It was embarrassing, really, the way Atsushi constantly tried to be vigilant, but in the end never managed to overcome the tiger inside him.
Although, he wasn’t sure how much of that he still believed in. It was because of the fact that Atsushi still tried to make himself look like a good person that Akutagawa found an interest in him. Discarding the one thing about himself which gave him power, Atsushi came on top as his own individual, with his own autonomy. There was nothing dark about him, just shining light that was synonymic with hope.
While he found that interesting about Atsushi, it led him to become confused within himself for many reasons. Why was it that he, a much stronger, powerful, courageous individual like him still seemed weaker than him? Why did Dazai choose Atsushi and not him?
The only thing Dazai ever cared for was Rashoumon: without Rashoumon, he was nothing. His power is what made him the person he was. There was nothing inherently valuable in Akutagawa except for his ability to attack and defend with Rashoumon. Unlike Atsushi, who managed to make himself important before he even accepted his ability, Akutagawa has never existed without his ability, and that made him worry if anyone ever cared about him.
He had tried so hard, over so many years, to make the person he looked up to the most give him any slice of praise. Not the sarcastic kind, not the thoughtless kind, but the one that came from a hidden place in his heart, where he truly noticed Akutagawa Ryuunosuke and his strength, and not Port Mafia executive Akutagawa.
But the one moment he works with Atsushi, Dazai had given him genuine praise for the first time in his life. The moment shook him to his core, it made him unable to breathe and it felt exhilarating, like a shot of some drug.
Perhaps he should work with him more.
The next time Akutagawa met with Atsushi, he was able to see him in a different light, and reach a different level of understanding with him. Except, Atsushi wasn’t expecting to get so close that Akutagawa would ride him like a real tiger he had tamed – he didn’t mind it at the moment, but when he thought about it after it made him feel a bit dehumanised. Only a bit. Because the rest of him felt warm saying that sentence out loud. It wasn’t that he liked it…alright maybe he did like it. He liked how he could stop thinking, and let Akutagawa be the one to guide him. He liked how Akutagawa trusted him to listen, and how Akutagawa worked to protect him, and Akutagawa-
No not Akutagawa – he was a real bitch sometimes. But that was put aside in his mind when he thought about what happened after, how he almost sacrificed his life for him, giving him Rashoumon’s armour to him while he was becoming submerged. That, to Atsushi, was another level of trust that ran deeper than the rivalry between them.
Akutagawa didn’t mind it either. He didn’t mind the way Atsushi seemed frail to everyone else, but always so bold in front of him. He didn't mind how he always knew what Akutagawa was thinking: reason being that they tried to kill each other multiple times, he still felt clarity in the way their abilities complimented each other, how his blue aura and snow hair contrasted his black armour, but together created this beautiful, fiery look on him.
He enjoyed the separate wavelength of reality they floated on together, a place of understanding that existed for only the two of them. Being partners was what had awoken them to this different plane of being, one that not only helped them defeat their enemies quicker, but understand their selves and each other better.
Atsushi, as a person, was kind hearted and pure inside-out. There weren’t (many) flaws that Akutagawa could pick out from him, except from the fact that he made Akutagawa think twice about things he hadn’t given even a single thought before. There was always something surprising about the weretiger each time they spoke, but the thing that kept Akutagawa staring into space sometimes was his reason...
His reason to fight.
He knew enough of his past to discern the fact that he fights for personal vengeance, to protect the child he once used to be, and to come out stronger than he was before. But, there was something else about the sacrificial way Atsushi constantly tried so hard to help others. It wasn’t something that Akutagawa agreed with, but it wasn’t something he’d ever argue about either – after all, Dazai was the same. There was a superficial ‘light’ that the likes of them found salvation in; a kind that Akutagawa wasn’t allowed to indulge as a creature that consumed the very space of darkness.
It interested him more and more until the weretiger took up every crease in his brain and filled the void of space that Rashoumon devoured. There wasn’t a day where Akutagawa wasn’t pondering the weretiger and his puzzling personality, and it drove him mad.
Atsushi – although his rival – felt too similar to call it hatred. He always wondered why Akutagawa sometimes seemed to open his mouth to say something but would close it right away, he wondered why he’d sometimes look as surprised as someone would when they found out good news but then return to his regular frown, he wondered why Akutagawa was always on his mind!
There was almost no time in Atsushi’s day for him to think about such useless things, yet these days he suddenly had more than enough time to stare at his paperwork and think about Akutagawa’s expressions when they were together. Angry, shocked, worried, angry, sneering, poker: Atsushi sometimes even imagined what Akutagawa would look like with a brazen smile. Would he have a cheeky smile? What was he like as a child?
Wait what? Atsushi shook his head vigorously, trying to shake those silly thoughts out his head again.
“Atsushii~ I've got a gift for you!”
Atsushi knew that joyful voice anywhere and sat up straight in his chair. “Yes, Dazai?” He called out eagerly, the hope of getting Akutagawa out of his head shining in the form of the saviour Dazai.
And then the glow that emitted from his saviour dulled in less than a second when he saw the ominous figure next to him, fiddling with his feet as if he was too shy to be around him.
“AKUTAGAWA!”