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Beomgyu was happy.
How could she not be when she was dating her best friend and the person she loved most in the world?
She didn’t mean to fall for Soobin, indeed. It happened all in the most natural and gentle way it could possibly be. They were best friends for over five years, meeting when Beomgyu was still in high school while Soobin had already to think about graduating and getting into college. Their friendship blossomed like flowers during spring, building up for the right moment to open their petals and welcome in a new season, with new looks to their leaves.
For Soobin and Beomgyu, it was the same.
They became closer silently and on their own, immediately clicking and getting well along, which was new for Beomgyu. She tended to be closed off, scared and afraid of meeting people that could hurt her again, afraid of being vulnerable in front of someone she didn’t know and that could use it against her. But, Soobin was different.
Everything was different when it came to Soobin.
Soobin filled a spot in Beomgyu’s life that no one would ever have. It would never be replaced.
Soobin is the first person Beomgyu texted when she woke up. Soobin is the first person Beomgyu texts when anything good happened. Soobin is the first person Beomgyu goes to talk to when anything bad happens and she needs a shoulder to lean on. Soobin is the first person Beomgyu thinks of when people talk about when making plans with a special someone Soobin is the first person that always comes to Beomgyu’s mind whenever someone spoke about the one they loved.
Soobin will always be Beomgyu’s first choice.
It took Beomgyu quite some time to realize how blurred and forgotten the platonic line was for her. She went past it a long time ago, like it was the path she had to follow along ever since the beginning as if the plan was for her to fall for Soobin at the end. It was her fate to love Soobin endlessly and more than words could ever muster and describe her feelings.
Love is a torpid feeling. Awakening at inappropriate times and out of a sudden, with no warning coming to tell them of a big change coming. It’s like an emotional tsunami, washing over you, feeling it all at once, feeling too much in a short time. It was capable of making someone go wild.
Love is a strong feeling. It gave people the strength to make decisions they would never make if they were sane. It made people have the courage to do things they would never do if they weren’t inebriated by that feeling.
For Beomgyu, love was like a dream.
There was no tsunami. Instead, it felt like soft waves crashing at the shore at sunset, the gentle and calm rocking of the water relaxing the body and serving as a lullaby for the senses to calm and shut down for a while. There were no big changes. Instead, she felt as normal as ever, as if love was always there lying under her skin, asleep inside her mind waiting for the right moment to come out. Sometimes, she felt tickles even on her skin, making her shake her arms and get her hands to work again after the sudden rush of euphoria in her body.
Beomgyu felt like she had loved Soobin since ever.
Her designed moment to notice her feelings was simple. They were on a phone call as Beomgyu was traveling to the beach with her parents to spend Christmas. It had been two days since they last called each other and it was enough to make Beomgyu’s chest tingle with a foreign sensation that could only cease when she saw Soobin’s face through the phone. They had nothing much to talk about, it was a common day and phone call from them where they just needed to be with each other’s presence.
Soobin was playing with the filters she discovered on the app and Beomgyu just laughed, seeing the way Soobin’s eyes glistened and sparkled when she found one that she liked. Soobin was having fun, mocking some of the ones she tried on, and talking about the ones she liked. All Beomgyu could do was stare and think.
Oh, how I wish to spend my life seeing this smile .
They already had plans to share an apartment and be roommates ever since their second year of friendship, but it was different. It was not like Beomgyu wanted to only see that smile every day. She craved to hold that smile onto her heart and engrave it in her mind as long as she could. She was liking a bit too much all of Soobin, a bit too much of every part of her best friend.
When Beomgyu went to sleep that night, the last image inside her mind and behind her eyelids was Soobin’s smile while her squeaky laugh resonated in her ears until she fell asleep. Then, she knew.
She wasn’t scared, or desperate. It was all normal, it was normal to love Soobin and follow with her usual day at the beach.
Their friendship was beyond comparison and there was always a hint of a bigger connection when it came to them. They called each other soulmates, but not even that word could sum up what they had. Beomgyu was afraid that no word in the world could ever do that.
They always talked about how communication was important and if anything happened they could talk with each other and they would solve the situation together. Hence the fact Beomgyu was not afraid of telling Soobin about her feelings, even if she was rejected. It would be an honor to be rejected by the Choi Soobin in all her almighty glory and beauty.
Beomgyu didn’t think of it as a bad thing because Soobin could never be associated with anything bad. Soobin made her feel the most beautiful feeling she had ever felt and like no one else could make Beomgyu feel before. It was her first time and it would be forever engraved in her heart and mind. Anytime she thought of Soobin, that calming, sweet feeling would envelop her body, and peace would find her.
Beomgyu could spend an eternity loving Soobin. It was where she belonged to.
A little after the New Year, Beomgyu was already back in the city and they were ready to go to their usual date spot. The little thematic cafe close to Soobin’s house.
Beomgyu was a bit anxious, despite her sureness regarding her feelings and what she came to do. It made her arrive thirty minutes earlier than what they agreed on. It could be tragic, but the truth is that Soobin missed Beomgyu so much that five minutes after, she arrived at the cafe as well.
Beomgyu smiled when she saw Soobin coming in her direction, throwing her arms around Soobin’s neck as soon as she was close enough to be hugged. Their height difference was there, it was in the way Beomgyu had to tiptoe to hug him even though it was no more than 5 centimeters on their difference.
“Missed me that much, cutie?” Soobin joked as she sat down next to Beomgyu, putting her bag on the table.
“You know I did, idiot,” Beomgyu replied while rolling her eyes.
“How was the beach?” Soobin asked, turning to her side a little to look at Beomgyu’s eyes.
“Why are you acting as if I hadn’t texted you nonstop during the trip?” Beomgyu whined in a complaint, her lips turning into a pout.
“I’m just being polite! You might have wanted to not tell me something, I don’t know,” Soobin shrugged her shoulders and defended herself.
“You know I tell you everything,” Beomgyu deadpanned with a neutral face.
“Either way! Did you enjoy it?” Soobin changed the topic and put an arm on the table, resting her head on her hand.
“Not much… It rained a lot and we couldn’t leave the house most of the days. The beaches I wanted to visit weren’t accessible because of the rain, the road to them was all fucked up,” Beomgyu lamented with a sad expression.
“Oh, Beomie, I’m so sorry for that,” Soobin replied with a small scowl on her face.
“I wish you had gone with me,” Beomgyu blurted out before even thinking.
“Why?” She tilted her head to the side in confusion.
“Because I wouldn’t be alone. You know I love spending time with you,” Beomgyu simply replied, a small smile appearing on her face.
“You love me so much, ugh,” Soobin teased her friend with a smirk.
“You act as if you don’t as well,” Beomgyu retorted back.
“Who said that?” Soobin said in an accusatory tone.
“You!” Beomgyu pointed a finger at her for measurement.
“... Okay, you got me there,” Soobin admitted with a shy smile glowing on her face.
“Anyways, what did you do while I was away?” Beomgyu asked back, not wanting her friend to get any shyer.
“Not much, to be honest. I finished watching Jujutsu Kaisen—“ Soobin started to answer only to be interrupted.
“Again?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow and held back a snort.
“Hey! I was watching with my brother, okay? Quality time and all that,” Soobin petulantly argued, crossing her arms in front of her torso.
“Sure thing,” Beomgyu rolled her eyes and signaled for the other to keep talking.
“I spent the holidays with my family and it wasn’t as awful as I was expecting,” Soobin informed proudly.
“Did you have fun?”
“I did! I even drank a bit and you know I don’t usually do it. Also, I missed getting ready to party,” Soobin sighed and looked away to the side.
“You looked really pretty on Christmas!” Beomgyu complimented sincerely, making Soobin turn her head quickly to look at her. Beomgyu was almost sure she could hear it cracking by the sudden movement.
“Do you think so?” Soobin asked timidly.
“I always think you’re pretty,” Beomgyu confidently answered, taking pride in the Soobin’s cheeks dusted pink all over it.
“You’re really exaggerating now,” Soobin tried to joke her shyness away, only to fail at the task.
“Am not!” Beomgyu surrendered.
“Oh, you wanna kiss me so bad,” Soobin teased, looking straight into Beomgyu’s eyes, catching the defiant sparkle of something akin to yearning.
“I do,” Beomgyu quickly agreed.
She had nothing to lose. And seeing Soobin’s shocked face as if a cat got her tongue was priceless.
“Are you serious?” Soobin could merely ask, making Beomgyu chuckle.
“Yeah,” She admitted easily. Everything felt so easy when it came to Soobin.
“Well, you will have to take me out to dinner first,” Soobin huffed, trying not to stutter and too shy to look into Beomgyu’s eyes.
“Oh, how mighty of you. I forgot how much of a princess you are,” Beomgyu teased her as she rolled her eyes.
“Are you flirting with me, Choi Beomgyu?” Soobin raised an eyebrow and smiled.
“I might be,” Beomgyu replied while faking to be in deep thought, a finger tapping lightly on her chin as she looked to the side and furrowed her eyebrows. “Take a guess, Choi Soobin,” She shrugged her shoulders.
“You know I don’t work with maybes and mights,” Soobin stated firmly.
“Okay, then. I like you, Choi Soobin. Is it clear enough for you now?” Beomgyu tilted her head to the side, leaning an inch closer, only enough to appear confident to Soobin despite the way her heart was beating fastly inside her ribcage.
“I think you could be more,” Soobin joked.
Beomgyu’s confession was simple like that. Not because she didn’t think Soobin was worth a grand gesture of love, but actually because Beomgyu would wake up loving Soobin each day more than the previous one. She had plenty of time to prepare for a surprise and actually get ready for an occasion. That day, all she needed was to speak her feelings out. Like saying good morning, Beomgyu said it.
I love Choi Soobin.
It took them a bit of time to work their way into a new phase of their relationship. Beomgyu actually made it very clear how much she liked Soobin every chance she had. She had no problem in admitting it out loud, in saying proudly to people that she fell in love with her best friend, in actually bragging about how pure and genuine and beautiful her own feelings were to anyone to see and hear.
Beomgyu fell in love with Soobin. With her cute smile and squeaky laugh when she laughed too hard. With the way her eyes shone bright when she was looking at something she loved. At how excited and happy she would get when talking about an interest of hers, gesticulating and rambling nonstop about it. With the way she always got out of her way to help her family and anyone around her if they needed her. With the way she was passionate about her likes. With the softness of her hair that expanded to the palm of her hands. With the way Soobin made her feel.
Beomgyu is in love with Soobin.
And she wouldn’t think twice before making Soobin hers.
Of course, Beomgyu wanted her to like her back, but she would never force herself onto Soobin, and neither would be mad if she never liked her in a romantic way. They were bonded for life and Beomgyu wouldn’t lose that for anything in the world.
However, it seemed like the universe and fate were in sync when it came to them.
It was easy for Soobin to love Beomgyu back. She already did, but her feelings changed to something deeper without her even noticing. There was always a voice at the back of her head questioning if Beomgyu actually meant everything she said. There’s always the benefit of the doubt when it came to lesbians in the pining phase, especially if they are friends before showing any kind of romantic interest in each other.
But that was what made their relationship special and meaningful.
Beomgyu didn’t know if Soobin’s flirting was genuine or in friendly way. Soobin didn’t notice the way Beomgyu looked at her when she wasn’t looking. Beomgyu got nervous while holding Soobin’s hand because they always did it, but what did it mean now? Soobin would hope too that Beomgyu couldn’t hear how loud her heart would beat when they were cuddling and Beomgyu was laying on her chest.
That exhilarating feeling of the unknown was enough to keep them forward and eager to know what was yet to come.
Beomgyu was the one to ask Soobin to be her girlfriend, but Soobin was the one to complement the request with a surprise.
Beomgyu had arranged a day off to fulfill things she knew Soobin liked. They went to her favorite cafe to eat the nut cake she loved so much, then spend a bit of time window shopping and making funny remarks around Soobin’s favorite shops. Beomgyu bought her a manga she liked, making Soobin blush when she told the cashier to wrap it as a gift to her girlfriend.
When they were back at Soobin’s house, they sat down on the couch to binge-watch some series of Soobin’s choice, but before Beomgyu grabbed a little package inside her bag on the floor.
“Unnie, can I show you something?” Beomgyu asked politely before taking it out of her bag.
“Of course, baby. What is it?” Soobin replied as she adjusted her position on the sofa and sat closer to Beomgyu.
“Uhm, I bought this for us last year as a surprise and I think this is the right moment to give it to you. You already know all the cheesy, sappy discourse I’m going to make, but- I couldn’t find anything more fitting for us than this,” Beomgyu timidly said as she handed the package to her friend.
Soobin grabbed it with a wide smile and carefully, started to open it to not rip anything apart. When she could see what was inside, she gasped. She held the small ring in her hands as she looked surprisedly at Beomgyu.
“No fucking way,” Soobin exclaimed as she widened her eyes.
Before she could react further, Beomgyu spoke up.
“You are my sun, Soobinie. You are my light, my moon, and all the stars shine bright in the sky. Even in the darkness, there’s still light. You are that to me,” Beomgyu gently said, her voice coming out soothing and caressing Soobin’s skin lightly as a butterfly kiss on her cheek.
Soobin didn’t know how to react. She didn’t expect such a confession suddenly. Of course, Beomgyu always had her way with words and held the most beautiful sentences inside her head. Soobin couldn’t help but let her mouth open agape.
It felt so sincere, so genuine. Like it came from the bottom of Beomgyu’s heart straight to hers. Like an arrow hitting her on a full course.
“Don’t you dare make me cry,” Soobin tried to joke, not being able to hide the way her eyes teared up by it.
“I’m sorry!” Beomgyu apologized with a giggle.
Her hand itched to hold Soobin’s, but she didn’t know if she could.
“I-I kinda bought something too…” Soobin replied, clearing her throat and scratching her nape.
“What did you buy?” Beomgyu supplied, trying her best to ease Soobin’s nervousness.
“It’s a matching ring, and you won’t believe it,” Soobin excitedly said as she got up from the couch to reach her bedroom.
“What?” Beomgyu exclaimed loudly, receiving no reply from Soobin until she came back.
“I also bought one with the same theme,” Soobin informed as she handed a little box to Beomgyu to open.
Beomgyu held it carefully and started to open it as well. Soobin could only watch her with fond eyes as Beomgyu struggled with the package and furrowed her eyebrows while her lips turned into a little pout. She would always look beautiful in Soobin’s eyes.
“Sun and moon?” Beomgyu said as she saw the necklace inside, the little pendants shining under the dim lights of Soobin’s apartment. Her eyes sparkled and Soobin could swear she saw a shimmer she never had seen before. It made her breathless to notice.
“Yes. That’s so-” Soobin tried to speak and look up for any excuse to make it any less embarrassing for her to deal with. Soobin was not as open and clear with emotions as Beomgyu was.
“I guess we complement each other. There’s no moon without the sun, right?” Beomgyu replied, bumping their shoulders lightly and taking the necklace out of the box.
“But you are my sun too…” Soobin argued in almost a whisper, making Beomgyu look at her for a moment.
“Unnie, we can be both. How about that?” Beomgyu suggested, stretching her hand forward to hold Soobin’s gently.
“Deal!” Soobin happily agreed and squeezed Beomgyu’s hands lightly.
Beomgyu stared at her in silence, a lovesick foolish smile on her face as she admired the other still smiling. Her dimples popped out and she could see Soobin’s full smile, the one that never failed to make her smile too.
“I like you so much… I hope you know that,” Beomgyu blurted out before she could hold back.
“Beomie, of course I do. Now I do. I’m sorry it took me a while to realize your own feelings towards me,” Soobin honestly said, her eyes dropping a bit at her own words.
“Unnie, you don’t need to apologize. I told you it’s fine. I like loving you and it will keep that way,” Beomgyu tried to ease her worries, shaking their hands between them on the couch.
“Y-You know I like you too, right? I’m just- Sometimes I can’t believe I earned you for myself, it still feels like a dream…” Soobin stuttered shyly, looking down at her lap and missing the teasing glance Beomgyu sent her way.
“Stop, don’t say that. We are both lucky to have each other, alright? You’re my best friend, you’re all I could ask for in a partner,” Beomgyu argued back, her voice coming in a whiny raise at the beginning of it.
“I love you,” Soobin lifted her eyes and confessed, making everything inside Beomgyu become a mess.
“Would you be my girlfriend, Soobin unnie?” Beomgyu asked, bringing Soobin’s hand to her lips, leaving a soft peck on the back of it and making Soobin melt even more.
“Of course! A million times yes,” Soobin breathed out, her voice coming out overexcited.
“Save that million for our future wedding, okay?” Beomgyu joked before leaning in closer to hug Soobin’s body against hers.
Beomgyu hated marriage. She never wanted to get married. But she was sure she wanted to spend the rest of her life together by Soobin’s side.
Beomgyu was literally living her dream.
It’s not that she fantasized about all and every romantic situation of her life or about Soobin. It felt like a dream because it was too good to be true, never in a million years Beomgyu would imagine things turning out that good and without a problem. The amount of happiness she felt couldn’t be described, couldn’t be measured by any means. It needed to be felt.
You needed to love to get what Beomgyu means.
There were no major changes between them. It’s funny how they acted so much like a couple even before any of them liked each other. Even when they were best friends, Beomgyu felt some kind of attraction towards Soobin that she couldn’t quite explain, she herself couldn’t understand it fully.
Their friends weren’t shocked at the news. Actually, they were relieved it happened because it was so painfully obvious they liked each other. It was a sight to see both of them happily smiling at each other and holding hands without the thick layer of doubt hovering over every tiny interaction they had.
It was a peaceful Friday when Beomgyu asked Soobin out on a date. They had the afternoon schedule clear and as Soobin would sleepover at Beomgyu’s apartment, might as well use their free time to be together.
There was a new exhibition in one museum close to Beomgyu’s house, which she wanted to visit ever since it was released. It was a compilation of art pieces that exemplified different types of love and how the artist saw each of them.
They went walking hand in hand, Beomgyu resting her head on Soobin’s shoulder every time they had to stop because of a traffic light. Soobin smelled of something flowery, Beomgyu couldn’t grasp exactly what it was actually, but it was enough to soothe her nervousness.
Years would pass and Beomgyu would still be nervous to be by her side.
Not the anxious nervousness
It was not an anxious nervousness, the kind to constrict your chest and make your heart race fast and your hands tremble as they sweat. It was more of a giddy excited nervousness, one of looking forward happily to what could happen and the day ahead of them.
They arrived at the museum and Soobin bought their tickets as Beomgyu stayed by her side, only waiting to receive hers. It was automatic, Beomgyu interlaced their fingers as soon as Soobin held the ticket out. It was Beomgyu’s second nature to walk holding hands with someone, but it always felt different when it came to Soobin.
There were about three floors of the exhibition to watch and Beomgyu lost herself inside those walls. It was a cute sight to see; Beomgyu’s sparkly eyes as she scanned every and each art piece inside the place, the way she called Soobin’s attention to something she liked, calling her name and shaking their hands like a small puppy would wail their tail.
It was an amazing day, the perfect date for Beomgyu to have and Soobin too.
Soobin couldn’t let the chance of watching Beomgyu slip away. She didn’t care about art or whatever artistic movement they were watching when all she could see and care about was Beomgyu’s beautiful smile, Beomgyu’s shining eyes, Beomgyu’s cute excited squealing and so much more. Soobin was utterly enamored by her girlfriend and it shall stay like that for as long as it could.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
Things were not like it began.
Beomgyu’s mental health completely deteriorated. Not something new, she always struggled with anxiety and social phobia, hence the fact she had only a few friends in college as she always avoided going out or doing any kind of activity that had to make her interact with foreign people. It was her last year of college and soon she would start writing her thesis, but the crippling worry of failing was already consuming her.
She would sleep late after spending hours doing new research for her topic or even finishing regular stuff for her usual classes. She would not leave her apartment other than go to college, almost missing out on groceries because she didn’t want to get up from her bed. To make it worse, she was almost incommunicable.
She would reply to Soobin’s text messages, but none of them was honest. She didn’t ask for help, she didn’t vent, and she acted as if her life was going on normally. Beomgyu was painfully aware of how it was wrecking her and how badly it would affect their relationship, even if she did nothing on purpose at all.
As expected, their relationship inevitably got colder. There were no more hanging outs and sleepovers as they did before, the text messages were getting each day less and less than the day before, getting drier as well. Eventually, there were no even pet names anymore, just a plain Beomgyu or Beomie in the reply. No more love, sweetheart, darling. None of that.
Beomgyu was Beomgyu, after all. That’s her name.
What’s the problem in calling her by it?
To Beomgyu’s anxious mind, all she could muster as an answer to the sudden shift and change inside their relationship was that she had done something to hurt Soobin. Did she not listen to Soobin’s worries as she needed? Did she lack in something as a girlfriend, or even as a best friend?
Was she not enough for Soobin?
Was she not what Soobin was looking for in a partner?
There were so many better people than Beomgyu out there that could fulfill everything Soobin looked for in someone. Someone with no mental issues, with a good job, a good supporting family, someone that could share her burdens in life, even about her sexuality. There were so many things to think about and all of them Beomgyu could see herself not applying to that role. It was not her fault, but it hurt nonetheless.
It was okay. Each person is themselves, has their unique personality and way of being, and no one is equal to someone else. There was no problem with Beomgyu not being like person A or person B, but being the person she was came with a price, and that price could mean not having Soobin anymore.
Beomgyu had been working on vocalizing her insecurities and worries with Soobin, but some things reach a breaking point of not needing to be spoken about again. What’s the point in saying the same thing over and over again and nothing changing? It’s pointless, it’s useless and it’s tiring. So Beomgyu eventually stopped.
What she needed was change, not talking about the same thing over and over again. She knew a good part of it was her burden to carry and get a hold of it, so she couldn’t put that weight of obligation and responsibility on Soobin’s back ever. She didn’t, but now she can see how it worsened things and maybe it was not the right choice.
Was ever going to be a good choice if the outcome was the same always?
She couldn’t blame Soobin for drifting away and falling out of love with her.
But it hurt so deeply to admit it, to see everything she had and loved crumbling in front of her eyes. It was foolish, and it was more foolish to walk to Soobin’s apartment in the middle of a storm because she couldn’t even handle how much she missed Soobin. She didn’t even know if she could still call her as her girlfriend after what has been happening for over a month.
At least, in the rain, tears could mingle with the water dripping Beomgyu’s hair and no one would look at her strangely on the streets.
Beomgyu looked up to Soobin’s window and wondered. Is she thinking of me too ?
She knew the real answer, and it didn’t look good.
The seconds ticked by and it was like with every second, the endless thinking seemed to fade away until all Beomgyu could hear was the harsh sound of raindrops falling on the cement pathway. She heaved a deep sigh and she went back to her apartment, dripping wet, and not even the flames of the scented candle Soobin gave to her was enough to make any warmth reach Beomgyu’s skin.
Beomgyu could feel her throat constricting and she needed to rip it open apart if she wanted to speak or say anything.
That’s when her phone lit up with a text.
It was so strange, everything was painfully awkward at that point.
my baby soobs: hey
my baby soobs: are u okay
my baby soobs: i think we need to talk
And that was Beomgyu’s complete downfall.
(...)
They were sitting on Beomgyu’s couch, both of them in complete silence. Beomgyu was clearly trying to hide from Soobin’s firm, yet confusing glancing her way.
“Well, speak. I don’t even know why you’re here,” Beomgyu mumbled petulantly, hugging the blanket around her body tighter.
“I think you do,” Soobin plainly said.
Her expression was a bit off. Beomgyu could see the creases of her forehead and her eyebrows slightly furrowed. Her eyes were down, not carrying the light she was used to seeing every time she looked inside Soobin’s eyes. There were some black bags under her eyes as well and Beomgyu wondered how many nights of sleep she had lost over whatever was bound to happen between them.
“What makes you think it?” Beomgyu scaredly asked, her voice only above a whisper, only loud enough for Soobin to listen over the heavy rain outside.
“You know I know you better than anyone else. I’m sorry,” Soobin looked a bit guilty as she spoke.
“What are you exactly sorry for?” Beomgyu prodded further, furrowing her eyebrows and ignoring the way her hands were trembling under the thick fabric on top of her body. At least, Soobin wouldn’t see it.
“I’m sorry I ruined this for you,” Soobin started to say, her tone coming just like her face. Guilty.
“You didn’t…” Beomgyu tried to ease the tension between them, only to fail so.
“You know I did… I didn’t handle your feelings properly and we got stuck inside a mess,” Soobin continued, exasperated and anxious to get her point through.
“We’re both a mess,” Beomgyu scoffed and rolled her eyes.
It was not a lie.
“Hence why we can’t be together right now,” Soobin concluded.
It felt like a punch in the gut. Beomgyu felt air coming out of her lungs and became unable to breathe properly, a knot bubbling in her throat as she tried to hold back the tears from her eyes. She looked at Soobin with big, wide eyes.
“What?” She merely gasped out.
“I know you saw this coming,” Soobin shook her head and looked away to the window.
“Doesn’t mean it hurts any less,” Beomgyu grumbled out. She was mad, and she was hurt.
“I know it doesn’t, but…” Soobin couldn’t even bring herself to say anything more than the obvious.
“But what? Do you at least still like me, like, at all?” Beomgyu rasped out, her eyes brimming red with tears threatening to escape.
“I do. A part of me will always love you,” Soobin sincerely spoke, looking at Beomgyu with saddened eyes.
“Don’t you want to try together?” Beomgyu now whispered, afraid of her own voice and it sounded so desperate to hear.
“Beomgyu, you know this will only keep hurting us. We need to work on it, separately, before coming together,” Soobin breathed out at a fast pace, as if speaking faster would make the hurt go away quicker.
“What makes you think your feelings will be the same years in the future?” Beomgyu asked seriously. Her lips were pressed into a thin line and Soobin had never seen her features look so– Broken.
“They won’t. I can’t control what I feel, but then, I’ll get to live knowing I could at least love you for a while,” Soobin answered after swallowing a lump in her throat.
“That’s unfair,” Beomgyu could only mutter before looking away.
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, or for things to change this way,” Soobin apologized, but the words did not reach Beomgyu’s ears at that moment.
This was the same girl who had given Beomgyu countless smiles all day for months, even years, never giving up on her despite everything that came their way. This was the same girl who had gifted Beomgyu the world, promised her everything, and given her assurances of sweet nothings.
This was the Soobin who had loved her, and Beomgyu had proved himself unworthy of her love.
It was Soobin, the one she had loved as a friend for years in a row and has been in love for a whole year, at least.
“Don’t worry about it,” Beomgyu said, hurting her throat to speak as she refused to cry. It was making her hurt physically.
“Will you be fine?” Soobin asked in a whisper.
“I can’t promise you of a lie. You know I won’t be,” Beomgyu replied and laughed, a laugh lacking humor and laced with hurt.
“I’m sorry,” Soobin said again. Her hands itched to do something, anything to help Beomgyu hurt any less.
“Stop apologizing. Is there anything else you want to say?” Beomgyu asked firmly.
“I love you,” Soobin confessed, and Beomgyu felt another punch coming her way.
She closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath.
“Please, don’t,” She spoke, still with her eyes closed. Beomgyu couldn’t look Soobin in the eyes as she said something like that when she was about to leave. Like everyone else did.
“I have to make sure you heard it at least once. I’m tired of not speaking what I feel,” Soobin tried to justify, doing her best not to stutter.
“And I’m tired of speaking how I feel,” Beomgyu replied, opening her eyes and staring firmly at Soobin in front of her. “Can you please leave?” She almost begged for it.
“I-I can. Again, I’m deeply sorry, Beomie-ah… I hope the future holds something kinder and nicer for us. I want you in my future still,” Soobin confessed before getting up from the sofa and walking to the door.
Beomgyu didn’t even bother to get up and open it for her.
They shared one last glance before Soobin closed the door in front of her.
She lost it. Beomgyu lost everything left for her to have.
She lost a lover and a best friend, but the worst part is that Beomgyu also lost herself.
And when Soobin arrived at her apartment, she couldn’t help but wonder.
What did I just do? How could I lose the best part of my life so easily?
Love was cruel. Loving is the most courageous decision someone can ever take in their life, it’s like jumping off of a plane with no parachute to help them on their fall. It was all in, take it or leave it. There was no point in jumping off the plane of love if you were not willing to take the risk of falling on the floor, crushing all of your body, your soul, and your hopes.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
And their eternity comes to an end.