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Ever since the suddenness of the arrival of “Second year Rei” he had been losing sleep. There was a certain awkwardness between them that worked to mask the revelation he didn’t want to impart on his own self. Perhaps it was just too clear to his other self that Rei found him embarrassing to engage with.
Of course the him of the past must have been curious, must have been drawing his own conclusion that were likely fairly accurate, but those guesses were different than him confirming something. Different than him coming out and saying “we’ve become like this because you’re about to go through the worst period of your life” the statement that would naturally follow about how in the end it was worth it, was hardly an actual consolation. After all, anyone would rather that only the happiness came about.
So he avoided interacting with the him of the past, and if they did meet he always kept it short. It worked to some extent but a more pressing concern took his focus: Koga.
He had expected certain things when it was clear that this Second year Rei was indeed the him of the past. He had expected some kind of reaction, past him had expected a reaction, the same one in fact.
“I thought he would be more excited.”
Rei had thought so too, had braced himself for Koga fawning over the cooler him. With his expectations firmly set, he was comfortably ready for what he had planned which was not what occurred. Koga did not pay any special attention to the past him, did not display any emotion that wasn’t casual or polite. It was mostly reminiscent of how he treated other senpais now if not a bit more distant.
Rei knew he was not the cool person he used to be and he had prepared himself for Koga to be captivated by the appearance of the Rei that had initially won his heart. But Koga was not.
It was somehow worse. He could only feel uneasy with Koga defying his expectations, unmoored by Koga’s apparent disinterest. In his heart perhaps he had wanted–no, hoped that Koga would be unswayed by such a present and visual reminder of how Rei had changed. Perhaps he had felt that way without his own awareness, but he had needed almost for Koga to act like he had in the past because at least he could deal with the pain of disappointing Koga. So he had braced himself for something but nothing happened. Instead of being relieved, he was still tense, agonizing over his anticipations of what was still to come. He was certain things would go as he expected, that it would only take time to reveal them.
So he waited and lost sleep. He even ended up avoiding Koga despite how he wanted to stick close to him for assurance. When he lay in bed trying to sleep, he stared at his phone in irony of how the person he would always turn to during sleepless nights was also the person he wanted to avoid. He just wished that the second year Rei would disappear back into the past already. Then everything could return back to normal and he wouldn’t have to deal with these questions; his relationship with Koga could go on thriving just as it was.
The screen went black and then white as he tapped it to keep it awake–it was in an awkward position because it was plugged in to charge. He couldn’t escape the anxiety in his mind so it was easier to displace it to his physical phone, when he would eventually put it down for the night he would be able to quiet his thoughts with it. In theory. Awake and sleep, awake and sleep, a rhythm of tapping that betrayed him as his eyes drooped with heaviness not exactly sleepiness: it rang calling Koga.
Koga answered before he could stop the call. “Can’t sleep again?” His voice was rough and muffled, probably just awoken by the ringing. It was impressive that Koga could wake up and react so quickly to answer a call, Rei could never manage that. “Meet you at the usual place?”
“No need, I simply dialed by accident while putting the phone away. Technology is far too complicated at times.” The easy and habitual excuse came out of his mouth, acting out a yawn to convince Koga that he was going to sleep.
Rei heard rustling as Koga gingerly eased out of bed. More rustling as he probably retucked Leon back into bed: Leon's collar jangling as he resituated himself somewhere on the mattress now that Koga was off. Some very muffled steps followed as Koga moved around the room, subdued as a courtesy to Kazehaya. A faint click as the door knob exited the jam. A pause and creak as Koga slid out of the cracked open doorway; the smallest possible gap to squeeze through that prevented as much light as possible from filtering through and potentially disturbing his roommates. Another click as the door was shut. The act of sneaking out mastered as a routine.
Such careful consideration given to Kazehaya. Of all the people that Koga technically called a senpai, he hardly showed such real respect to them, usually he gave it very reluctantly for whatever reason applied to his relationship with that senpai. Kazehaya and Koga got along swimmingly though their relationship had a naturally harmonious quality. Where Rei had thought that their differences would have made a tense relationship, instead it made them better friends. The way they worked to understand each other and accommodate each other came so easily as though it was no effort, like they had been friends for years and not just a few months.
“Haa? You’ve never called me by accident before.” Koga spoke at a higher volume now that he was out of the room, turning his words from a question to an accusation.
“Ah well, there’s a first time for everything. Even I am prone to mistakes at times.”
“Tch, you’re awake now so just come to the practice room.” Koga’s voice was a bit tetchy as usual.
Rei did and did not want to go. Meeting with Koga would surely help him sleep; interacting with Koga easily wiped stress from his mind. But it would also remind him that he had pressing thoughts he couldn’t avoid. He had managed so far to hide his discomfort but in close proximity he doubted his ability to play the appropriate part and relax. Eventually, even with dread clinging like smoke, he decided to join Koga. Koga was already waiting anyway, it would be terrible to leave him there abandoned when he was only awake because Rei had fumbled with his phone: it was tragic to imagine the forlorn look Koga would sport if Rei did not show.
The bed creaked as he slipped out from under the duvet. He easily crept across the floor without any noise, steering well clear of where the past him slept (apparently there was a time difference between their worlds) as though he was a monster not to be awakened. Creepy and oppressive like he was here to steal Rei’s life. The pressure of his thoughts and past him’s presence abated once he stepped into the hall, walking to their meeting place at a moderate pace so it wasn’t like he was running away.
When he arrived Koga was naturally there already, absorbed in the task of tuning his acoustic guitar. Sometimes he liked to sit back and enjoy the look of concentration on Koga’s face before announcing his arrival; it reminded him of waking up to Koga’s playing in the Light Music Club room. On any other day the reminder was nostalgic but today he just felt off kilter, existing strangely in a normal moment.
Perhaps he had been standing around too obviously like a scarecrow because Koga greeted him after he was satisfied with the state of the strings. “Hey, took you long enough. Are you doing guitar today?”
“Ah, yes quite.” He replied awkwardly and nonsensically, sitting down quickly next to Koga as another acoustic guitar was passed to him. Typically he switched between drums and guitar for these sessions with no particular reason, but he could appreciate how the guitar was a better choice for this instance. He brushed his fingers across the strings, listening to the tone and decided that tuning wasn’t needed.
Koga started a light melody centered around the D and A strings. Rei listened for a while to the soothing quality of Koga’s playing—piano and largo, lullaby-esque— before joining in with harmony on B and G. They played in companionable silence, riffing a simple song that was calming, the rhythm regulating his heart. This peacefulness had always been what allowed Rei to finally fall asleep some insomniac nights, the pure focus on music left no room for superfluous thoughts, a blessing that wasn’t often visited on Rei.
They finally paused when Koga yawned, eyes obviously watering from the strength of his tiredness. Rei was finally more settled so it would be fine to part here—he’d hate seeing Koga tired tomorrow just because of him when they were both busy with idol work. “Shall we end the session here?”
Koga tried to hide his next yawn by keeping his mouth closed but the quivering in his face betrayed him. He fiddled with the guitar now that they weren’t playing, wedging the high e string under a nail threading it back and forth so it made a squeaky sound. “You feelin better?”
“Yes,” he thought for a moment to say that it was thanks to Koga’s being but reconsidered, unsure if it was appropriate. “I believe my weary head is finally ready to rest, the height of the night has passed.” He covered, replacing his guitar to its rightful place.
Koga didn’t follow suit instead he remained sitting, rubbing the heel of his hand into his forehead. Perhaps he was just so tired that it transformed into pain: it was a good thing then that Rei decided to end it here. “That’s not what I meant.” Koga grumbled.
Koga put his guitar down and bent his knee up, starting to fidget with his shoelaces now that they were in reach, not looking at all like he was about to get up and walk back to his room. “You’ve been all weird since that other Sakuma got here.”
Oh . Koga had noticed. “I think anyone would find it unsettling to see another version of themselves.” He found it awkward to keep standing, but he also found it awkward to sit back down, because it made it seem like he’d misjudged the atmosphere. He sat back down as casually as he could, readying himself to have this conversation. There had already been a version of this conversation that they’d had before as a group: how to manage the presence of another, different Rei and how it would affect him personally. “I will admit that it has been stranger than I anticipated but it isn’t as if anyone could predict this.” He assuaged, comfortable in the action. In the realm between them and of them this was the reestablishment of equilibrium.
Koga gave him a doubtful look, “Really? Because you’ve been giving me the evil eye lately. What gives?” Koga’s expression was now something fretful, pouty, confused, serious, or angry. It was quite unusual how Koga asked the question so cautiously.
“It’s merely my curiosity on how others are handling the situation. It wouldn’t do for this to cause a problem.”
Koga rubbed his eyes with closed fists, humming in acknowledgment of Rei’s answer. It was an irresistibly cute image especially when he tried to say something around a yawn.
Rei couldn’t help ruffling the hair of the cute image before him. Koga’s presence was healing because of his personality and his fluffiness helped too.
“Well what do you think of him?” Rei couldn’t resist the impulse to ask now that it seemed safe.
Koga shrugged, “Nothing, he’s an outsider. It’s probably dangerous that he’s here so I hope he leaves soon.”
Rei couldn’t help being surprised, “Truly? You’ve been acting so strangely though.”
“The fuck?! No I haven’t!” Koga objected immediately, tone incredulous. “I’ve been—completely normal!”
That was true. That was why it was strange. Everyone else had moments of apparent discomfort or awkwardness surrounding interacting with the other Rei so it clearly stood out how Koga was seemingly unaffected during the brief moments that he was in contact with him. Rei wasn’t the only one who had noticed; Kaoru had also noticed. They had talked about it until Kaoru had said that it was probably a good thing and decided that was the last word necessary on the subject. “So you haven’t been bothered at all?” He asked carefully, doubt concealed.
Koga yawned again, “I guess. I don’t really want to look at the guy but that’s about it.” He stretched out his legs and arms, giving Rei a reprieve to digest that answer.
Rei stretched out his own legs in tandem, rubbing at his knees and ankles in regard for the work they did during dancing, mind wandering during his ministrations. Initially, he hadn’t expected for Koga to show no response, now he knew that Koga had a reaction but it was the opposite of the one he’d prepared himself for.
It didn’t make sense, Rei was the one that changed. If Koga had preferred the second year version of him then Rei would have felt sorry for him that Rei was not that person anymore. If Koga didn’t prefer the previous him then…then Rei still felt sorry for him because the current him wasn’t much of anything.
“So are actually doin good?” Koga’s expression was soft with concern, open and innocent, his words jarring Rei from his spiraling thoughts.
“Yes, there’s no need to worry yourself.”
“But that ain’t true though is it? You still seem really freaked out right now.” Koga’s face was overcast with some shadow of memory. Rei wondered if they were remembering the same things. “I’m just trying to look out for you.” Koga whispered to the floor.
“That’s not necessary, Koga.” He had meant for it to be an assurance that while it was touching for Koga to ask about his wellbeing, he was not in any pain or distress that needed caring for. But Koga did not take it that way.
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Koga’s voice was low and measured, Rei could hear the anger and hurt inside it, but Koga’s face was hard to decipher. Consternation? Agony? Annoyance? Impatience? “I’ve always been looking out for you. Or at least trying!”
Certainly, Koga had helped him often with his sleeping and eating habits since his third year and now, occasionally, with his troubles but that was different. Rei was the one looking out for Koga, he was the senpai, he was creating a base for them to stand on once they graduated; preparing Undead for success. He had taught Koga guitar, drums, had guided him and made him grow into the idol he was today. Koga had taught him how to live but that wasn’t i…that wasn’t intentional. He struggled for a moment to recall their Repayment, they had managed to understand each other then hadn’t they? Koga loved him, had always loved him, that’s what Koga had always been trying to say. Koga wanted him to stay, to live.
His mind was muddled, addled like he was the one deprived of sleep and unable to string his thoughts together. Back in the beginning of his third year when Koga had still been getting himself used to calling him vampire bastard there were rare occasions when he’d slip and call him senpai again: the instant look of regret that took over his face, the way he had retracted his words, his heart weren’t things Rei could forget. He had let the moments pass without comment but he always felt the needle stab in his heart knowing that Koga would…keep his feelings to himself instead of giving them to Rei. Was that the love?
“I-I apologize, I misspoke. I thought that—” you would love him more/ you would be happier with him. “I thought there would be some fonder recollection. You were quite happy back then.”
Koga’s ire was settled, back to a more neutral look. “That’s not how I remember it.” he replied easily, stunning Rei into silence. “So that’s what you’ve been thinking.” Koga inhaled deeply and began to ponder something and just as quickly finished pondering that something.
“Hey, were you happier back then? Or now, Sakuma-senpai.”
It was an easy question to answer; Rei had already given plenty of thought to how he was far happier with his current life than he ever was at all previous stages of his life. “Now.”
Koga simply nodded, “I figured. That’s what matters most to me so don’t go thinking anymore nonsense like that.” Apparently now was when the conversation was really over because Koga stood up, Rei hastening to follow suit. Rei waited by the door as Koga put up his guitar and they left in what was probably a companionable silence.
Koga swayed at times from his tiredness so Rei kept an eye on him as they walked, Rei guiding them to Koga’s dorm first so he could go back to sleep quicker. But Rei was otherwise occupied in a wave of new thoughts and concerns. Koga valued Rei’s happiness above all else: that felt like a piece of love being handed to him. He received these pieces of love usually through Koga’s actions since Koga was reticent in all measures to giving love through words even though that was the easiest method.
Why couldn’t he just say it?
Koga slurred out a soft good night, bumping shoulders with Rei either on purpose or by accident before entering into the darkness of his dorm room. Something deep inside Koga had changed, had been changing little by little where Rei could not watch it. He couldn’t notice it—Koga was an honest person, pure, Rei was inclined to say that Koga was poor at lying but perhaps he was better at it than he’d allowed himself to consider. Or was it even lying? Part of entrusting his concerns to Koga was implicitly acknowledging his skill as a confidant, a secret keeper.
Koga had expressions he couldn’t understand, feelings he didn’t know about. The Koga in his mind was always smiling, excited for rock music, excited to interact with him until one day his standard expression became something like a frown. Back then he had assumed the reason for that was because of him, just another person he had let down. But Koga loved him, had always loved him, so why then? Koga didn’t smile as much or as strongly as before. He was far more toned down, was that a result of maturity? But it just didn’t feel right. He wanted to make Koga smile but he didn’t even know how to do that anymore? Koga’s spirit hadn’t changed but whatever had shifted was too difficult for Rei to place, to reckon with.