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Fong POV:
It started with a conversation outside our friend circle, that Wat and Tine brought together. Just something stupid about food or something, I don’t remember exactly what we talked about. What I do remember is, that I haven’t had such a casual but deep conversation with somebody, without me wanting it to stop. See, I am not very social with people, Tine is probably the only person who I can talk to a lot. Which was probably why I thought I liked him as more than a friend. Of course, I realized quickly that my best friend might be my gay awakening, but we were better off as friends. After him, I never thought I would find somebody who made me feel so much from just one conversation.
Phukong Guntithanon, Sarawat’s brother, was the first person who made me feel this way. Nobody has ever made me feel so comfortable, not even Tine. After I watched as Wat and Tine grew closer and fell in love, yes Tine you fell in love way before you think, trust me. I thought I would be jealous of their relationship or wishing I was the one with Tine, but as they grew as a couple, I felt nothing. Well not, nothing, I felt happiness for both of my friends, I just didn’t feel sadness, hurt, or jealousy, just happiness. Though maybe I was jealous, but not in the way I thought I was going to, more like envy for what they have and wishing I could have that kind of relationship too.
I had no idea what Tine meant, when he said, “Even when Wat and I are being a Tou Woon Waii and a Salaleo, there is no one that makes me happier. No matter the time or day, his presence will just make my day better, even when I am angry, hurt, or sick.” At the time, Phuak, Ohm, Boss, Phukong, Earn, Man, Type, and I all fake gagged and teased them mercilessly. Though I know Man and Type’s heart eyes to each other, and knowing in love smile on Earn’s faces made it less effective for those three. Despite my friends who are coupled up, I had no idea what that feeling is. That is, until now, I look at Phukong and smile, and when I feel his stare, or he catches my gaze I feel sparks of happiness run down my spine and butterflies in my stomach. My friends would laugh at me for how I am talking right now, but I am not sure if I care.
Now, I know that Tine’s advice would be to just put myself out there and have courage. The problem is it will not be mutual feelings, because of course I fall for the guy who wants somebody else. It would be one thing if the person that he liked was a decent guy who I knew would treat him like, but that’s not the case. No, Mil is not a good guy! He is the type of person who almost hospitalizes somebody because of jealousy. He is the type of person who uses a fight between a couple to try to get one to cheat. He is not a good guy, and it’s not even like that he treats Phukong well. No, he uses him, takes advantage of his kindness, and plays with him. You know, the whole time Phukong was trying to get a minute of Mil’s time, Mil was still going after Tine, even though Tine had a boyfriend who he was happy with. I mean Phu (my nickname for him) even chose Architecture, because of Mil, and Mil still acts like it’s hard to find time to tutor him.
Though, then things started to change between them. Well, at least me and probably Phukong thought they did because Mil started acting differently around him. He started caring about him, playing football with him and signing his sign book, and so much more. Of course, we were both wrong. You don’t know how hard it was to see a crying Phukong come to me, and not kill Mil. It took so much restraint, especially when he told me that Mil called him a brother that day and then asked if Tine was planning to be at the game that night. He not only used and played with Phu’s feelings, he also is still trying to get in the middle of Wat and Tine’s relationship. I still feel angry about that, because somebody can’t hurt one of my most important people, and especially not both.
After that happened, I wanted to show Phu what happiness is like, and show him he deserves somebody who will show it to him every day. He deserves somebody to protect, love, and care for him. He deserves somebody that strives to make him laugh and smile, but would also hug, kiss, and comfort him if he needed it. He deserves somebody to make him feel wanted, seen, desired and even needed. He deserves to be the first choice for somebody. I just wish that I could be that person because I am willing and able to take that position in his life if he ever is ready for it. If we got to be together, I would cherish him, and never let him go willingly. I just hope that there would be a miracle that I could have that chance.
Phukong POV:
“Phu, are you okay?” I look up at my friend and brother’s boyfriend and smile, trying to show that I am fine. Though, I know it probably doesn’t look all the way there, since I am not okay. The problem is I can’t tell him that, how would that go, ‘Oh no I am not okay, I am in love with your best friend.’ I know he would tell me to be brave and just tell him, the problem is I know the response would be no, he just thinks of me as a good friend at best. This is why I am trying to move on from this crush I can’t lose him, even if he is just a friend.
The issue is that the silly crush I had on my friend turned into something way more. I am constantly looking at him, almost feeling like I am on fire every time we touch or look into each other's eyes. Every time he is sad, I want to be his shoulder to cry on or crack a joke. Every time he smiles at me, I feel like the best person in the world, because I did that for him. Every time he glares at Mil for hurting me, I feel like I can do anything since he will protect me. Every time he laughs, It’s music to my ears. He is just so amazing, and that is the problem, how can I get over somebody like him?
I love him, and I mean I love every single part of him. I love how he is a great friend, always there if you need him. I love his sarcastic and smart-ass quips when any of us are being idiots. I love how his eyes show you every emotion he is feeling, but are also masked, so only certain people can see it. I love how he can sit on the phone for hours or at a table, just happily listening to others’ difficulties and never getting annoyed or angry. I love how he is always moving or slightly dancing whenever there is music on. I love how he gives advice, part of it is always profound, and the other is helping you come to what you want. I love how he doesn’t like anything sour, and would be the first one to put extra chilies on everything to make it spicier. I love everything about him, flaws and all because to me if they are part of him they can’t be considered flaws.
‘Aish!! How am I supposed to fall out of love with him, when every time I see him, I come up with something else that makes him beautiful? I have thought about distancing myself away from him, but I am too selfish to do that. I need him in my life to live fully because I can’t think of what my life would be without him there. I could spend every day with him and never get bored. This makes for another reason why it is all so hard, we can talk for hours and hours without either of us getting bored or having awkward pauses in conversation. I feel like crying, what am I supposed to do?
I get so distracted in my thoughts that I don’t see somebody sitting down beside me. Until I feel a gentle hand shaking my arm, and because I don’t want to bother anyone, but require comfort, I put my head on the person’s shoulder. Thinking that it probably it is Tine beside me, I am expecting to be comforted and left there. So, I am not expecting to feel an arm snaking around me and a hand lifting my head, and especially don’t expect the person sitting there when I open my eyes. “F-Fong, What are you doing here?” I say, hoping that he doesn’t say anything about the shake in my voice. What am I supposed to do, being so close to the subject of all my thoughts recently, the person I love the most?
Fong POV:
It’s been a long day when I sit down at the lunch table that our friends sit at. So many classes, and then finding out that one of my group members in one class is sick, which means he will not be at our group meetings for the next couple of days. I feel so done with the day and stressed with how much I have going on, that sitting down sounds amazing.
So when I sit down and settle into my seat, I don’t even register anybody around me at the table. I know that Tine texted me on my way back that he is getting the food that he got delivered at the front of campus, so he will be back soon. So when I feel a head softly lay on my shoulder I feel confused and almost flinch, but that is when I smell the scent of coconut and strawberries that only come from one person I know. I look down and smile at the slight wave of the hair, connected to the most beautiful man I know. I stare at him, seeing the slight worry in his creased eyebrows. I try to shake my shoulder a little, so he will sit up, so I can ask what's wrong, but he just cuddles into it more. Honestly, if I wasn’t so worried about him, I would have left him there because it was a pretty adorable sight.
However, I am too worried to let it be so, I first try to ask am and say his name. Though, when both of those don’t end up working, I wrap my arm around him, so he will have to move a little and use my other hand to lift his head. At first, he doesn’t seem to register what is going on, and then I hear his voice asking what I am doing here. I smile down at him, “I got here about 5 minutes ago after class, are you okay? Do you have something on your mind, I am here if you need it?”
He seems to take a deep breath, almost like he is readying himself for what he is going to say next. I just wait patiently, not wanting to rush him and knowing that I always will have the utmost patience with him. I am about to say something, when he finally talks, “I am in love with someone. He is a close friend of mine, and I know it won’t work out. What would you do, in that situation?”
I want to tear up and the sadness in his voice, but I try to focus on the words and smile reassuringly. I feel like I have to choose my words carefully, but all I want to say is, ‘I am going through the same thing, and it’s you.’ However, I know I can’t do that, so I have to think about how to word it. Though apparently, it’s too long for him because he looks away and tries to dismiss it. I can’t let him downplay his worries like that, so I softly lift his head to look me in the eye again and watch as he tries to look away. I just wait for him to focus on my eyes, and when he did, I decided to do something daring and kiss him on the forehead. Then, when he looks at me, I rub the pads of my fingers on his eyebrows to clear out the stress. When the worry starts leaving his face, I back my hand off a little and in a soft voice I say, “Whoever doesn’t love you is an idiot.”
I smile at the little giggle that gets out of him.
Phukong POV:
I giggle slightly and then ask, “Would you? Love me, that is. “ The dreaded question that I just decide right then to put out there, and he seems to think some on it and then a beaming smile comes on his face. I can’t help but smile back, and when I do, he nods his head.
Confused at first I put my head to the side, and of course, he understands immediately. “Yes, I would be the happiest I could be if I could be with you. Please don’t think otherwise.” He smiles, and I lean into kiss him on the lips, the thing I wanted to do for so long.
Fong POV:
I can’t stop smiling through the kiss and deepen it slightly, just enough to show my love for him. When we back away from each other, I smile and say, “You are the one I am in love with too. I probably have been falling for you since the first moment I saw you. You are beautiful and just so amazing, you just make me so happy. Will you please do me the honor of being my boyfriend?” I feel giddy at the nod in response. With the hand connected to mine and the head on my shoulder, I feel like I could do anything.