Work Text:
Beneath the self-destructive tendencies, there was always someone who knew Zhang hao better than himself. Sung Hanbin. Someone will know he is slowly pulling away from his touches. Slowly pulling away by speaking less at lunch. Meanwhile, Zhang hao curled up in a ball whilst laying on the floor. It’s one of those days where his mental health was really in the gutter. Thinking how anyone can love me for the person who I truly am. The self-loathing thoughts slowly crept closer and closer like the ocean wave washing the shore.
Fast.
He didn’t realize it’s been hours since he moved from the ground. He deeply sighed as he slowly stood up noticing it was already nighttime. He stretches his limbs and slowly makes his way to the kitchen.
Ramen sounds okay, Zhang hao calmly thinks. He thinks the reasoning for his crash and burning state of mind is all because of the hiccup at the violin recital. He doesn’t want to think back to how he must’ve disappointed his parents, teachers, and friends in one room. He couldn’t even process the emotion in his head to reflect clearly. He pushes the thought away and watches the water boil intensely.
Usually whenever Zhang Hao needed a shoulder to cry on, his boyfriend, Sung Hanbin gladly offers his without a second thought.
However, Hanbin is traveling for his dance competition in Jeju Island. Zhang Hao’s fingers waives over Hanbin’s contact number fighting the internal battle whether to contact him or not. He is afraid once he hears Hanbin’s soothing voice that he’ll burst into tears over the grand mistake he made. He doesn’t want to be a burden to others much less than Hanbin miles away. He messed up his solo part in the recital in front of many people. It’s so disappointing when others know the flaws you have. Easily.
I don’t want to bother him, but I need to hear his voice, Zhang Hao persisted, yet decided against it.
He slowly finishes cooking his ramen and quietly walks over to the couch to plop himself down on the seat. Zhang Hao knows he shouldn’t self-isolate. Why is it so hard to reach out to others when he knows there’s people willingly wanting to help him? He knows people love him.
Thoughts going back to Hanbin, someone who cherishes the path he walks on. Yujin and Gyuvin, someone who he dearly cares for under his wing. Ricky, someone who’s practically family as international students coming from China. Jiwoong, someone as the nicest senior who helps him out in moments of confusion. Gunwook, someone who he wants to protect from harm and help him achieve his dreams. Matthew, someone who values their friendship by remembering the little things from past conversations. So many people around him would be willing to help him.
He knows.
It’s all in his head.
He can’t seem to reach his hand out for help. Self-isolating is so much easier when you’re the only one to see yourself crash and burn.
Zhang hao gulps down his last noodle and pops his phone out. Buying his lip, Zhang hao impulsively calls Hanbin.
Ringing
Ringing
Ringing
Just when he was going to end, he hears Hanbin.
“Hyung ah, how are you doing lately? We’re finishing up our last practice. Although, I’m really looking forward to when I’m back home with you.”
Zhang hao softly smiles thinking how cheesy his other half was. He was about to answer, ready to speak yet the words weren’t coming out. As if the weight of his own darkness was clouding his perception. He didn’t realize the tear falling down his check and he softly hiccups into the call
He gets out weakly, “I ruined it m-my violin recital I w-worked hard for. I made a mistake.”
“Hey haohao why are you crying? I know how hard you tried, you did well”
Zhang hao tries to even his breaths and wipes his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.
“I know binnie. I’m just mad at myself.”
“You know I hate that I can’t give you the biggest hug and kiss your tears away myself. Yet I know something that could help.”
Zhang hao listens to Hanbin’s instructions to walk out to the balcony as he looks up to the illuminating, full moon. He looks up at the moon and takes deep breaths to calm down.
“Hao hyung, I believe that you’ll do just fine. This is something that you can get over. What’s more important is what you’re going to do after this. I want to help you as much as I can”
“Yeah, I get it. What’s important after what I do. I shouldn’t feel stuck.”
Zhang hao wonders how he was able to have the most understanding and considerate boyfriend ever. He truly believes Hanbin is an angel sent by the heavens. An angel who helps navigate his dark overwhelming thoughts. The light across the road. The music in the quiet room. The hand reaching out towards him. Sung Hanbin is his savior in this lifetime. How grateful he was to come across someone as special as him. The instant relief knowing someone is rooting for him and reassuring him in moments like these.
Sung Hanbin walked into his life and bulldozed everything when Hao thought love was just silly. In movies and books, they speak about this great love. A love can change yourself for the better. He didn’t know better before without having him guide him along the dark and narrow road. Now, Hao sees Hanbin as his safe space. Their moments come easy without overthinking.
He softly chuckles, “How is it you know what to say always. Thank you I’m really thankful for you being here for me.”
“Always, I’ll be comforting you for years to come. Please don’t get sick of me”, Zhang hao can already see the wide smile on the others face.
Zhang hao sighs deeply, taking in a breath as if it's his first time. He exhales loudly and truly feels the fresh air outside breezing. Feeling instant relief. He looks up at the moon shyly and smiles.
“I wouldn’t ever. The moon looks so beautiful tonight” he lovingly glances above, and the fog slowly leaves his mind. He’s getting better. Even if the road is slow, he knows he’s not alone. He has people who love him. He needs to reach out and take their hand without shame. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about when you want to help your loved ones. Everything will be okay. Everything will be alright. Nothing is lost. His head clears the negative thoughts inch by inch.
“You know I love you hyung ah”