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Robby should have been used to it by now, the fact that Johnny loved Miguel more than he loved Robby. But he wasn't. Not really. It still hurt as much as ever.
Robby didn't hate Miguel anymore. He couldn't. Miguel was just so nice to everyone. Robby couldn't hate someone who was so kind. But that didn't mean that he had fully come to terms with the relationship that the other boy had with Robby's own father.
Robby knew that Johnny loved him, but it just seemed like he had a much better relationship with Miguel than with him. This did make some sense. After all, Miguel didn't have the abandonment issues from his childhood related to Johnny like Robby did. It was easier for Miguel to reach out for help when he needed it. Robby was trying to move on from the abandonment that his father had committed, but it was just so hard for him. He was just so scared of being abandoned again. So, Robby having a relationship with Johnny was a lot more difficult than Miguel having one.
But he tried so hard to make his father see that he was just as good as Miguel. That he deserved as much love and attention as Miguel does.
But it didn't seem to matter.
There was one particular week when Johnny had spent almost all of his time with Miguel and none with Robby. He got Miguel all of this new stuff for school, fancy calculators and notebooks and a new backpack. But he didn't get Robby anything.
Logically, Robby knew that Miguel needed these things to go back to school next week. Robby had been accepted back at the school, though he had only even tried because Johnny required him to do so in order to stay with him, but he was going online for a while at first, until the faculty and staff felt sure that Robby would not be a danger to anyone. Even after Miguel spoke up for him. But being online was fine by Robby. He didn't really want to see how scared everyone would be at the sight of him in the school again. He really didn't.
Except Robby's laptop was old as dirt and functioned about as well. He could really use a new one. But he didn't want to ask his dad, even if Johnny was buying Miguel all this new stuff for school. He didn't want to be seen as a burden.
He didn't want his father to see him as a burden, so he didn't comment on how much time Johnny had been spending with Miguel lately. Robby didn't say anything about how much he wanted to spend time with Johnny. And Robby sure as shit didn't mention that he probably needed a new laptop.
Robby was alone in the apartment one day, curled on his bed watching YouTube videos. Then, he heard the door open. He checked the time. It was only 5:15. His dad had only left for his sensei meeting with Daniel and Chozen fifteen minutes ago. He shouldn't be back yet.
Robby crept to the door of his bedroom and listened closely for any sign of who it may be. He heard the fridge open and heard things being placed into it.
Robby came out of the room, prepared to defend himself and his home.
But there was no need.
It was just Miguel.
Wait.
It was Miguel!
The other teen turned to face Robby and Robby recognized him for sure.
God! How did Miguel get in here. Robby knew that he locked the door when Johnny left and Johnny didn't have a spare key outside. Not since the neighbor's dog ate the last one.
"Miguel, what are you doing here?" Robby said. His body was still tensed up and ready for a fight.
"I'm putting some leftovers in the fridge. Why? Do you want some now?" Miguel answered.
Robby really did want some food. He hadn't really eaten at lunch. He just hadn't felt like it. But there was the more pressing matter, at least in Robby's mind, of how the FUCK Miguel got into their apartment.
"How did you get in here?" Robby asked. His fists were clenched now. He thought he knew the answer.
"I let myself in. With my key."
Robby had been right. Miguel had a key to their fucking apartment. Robby didn't even have a key to their apartment. He had been under the impression that Johnny had the only remaining key after the one that was eaten.
Robby turned to his room and put his shoes on.
"What are you doing?" Miguel asked. The kind boy seemed to be genuinely concerned, but Robby was too angry to be respectful.
"Going for a run." Robby answered.
He didn't really want to go for a run. What he really wanted to do was fight Miguel, but he knew that would end badly for him. Or, even better, fight his father, which would end even worse. But he couldn't do those things, so running it was.
"Where?" Miguel asked. Robby's demeanor had him terrified. Something was incredibly wrong and Miguel didn't really want Robby to go out like this. He was concerned.
"That's none of your business," Robby said, shoving past Miguel. When Robby got to the door he glanced over his shoulder and said, "Tell my dad I'll be home eventually. He likes you better anyway."
Then, before the words had even sunk in, Robby ran out of the door and down the street.
Miguel stood in the living room, confused beyond belief. He had no clue what Robby was on about, but he was pretty sure that the other teen shouldn't be left alone in his mental state for long.
He hurried to put the rest of the food in the fridge. Upon quick consideration, Miguel removed a package of tamales that his mother had made for Robby and Johnny. Actually, she had made these specifically for Robby after the boy had expressed an enjoyment in them. Johnny didn't like tamales.
Then, Miguel went back across the street to pick up a water bottle. He decided to fill up one of his extra water bottles too and bring it with him. Robby hadn't brought any water with him and would probably be dehydrated.
Miguel threw these things and a first aide kit into a bag and went to set off after Robby.
He was stopped in the doorway by his mother, who had just gotten home from work.
"Where are you going?"
"I need to find Robby. He went for a run, but he didn't look too good. I just want to make sure that he's okay," Miguel answered.
"Alright. Be careful," Carmen said, placing a kiss on Miguel's forehead. Then she stepped aside and let Miguel leave the apartment.
"I will," Miguel shouted over his shoulder as he went running down a path that he knew Robby enjoyed.
Carmen smiled after her son. She knew that Miguel would end up alright. He was so kind hearted and so willing to help others in need. She couldn't be prouder of her son for the attempts he was making to forge a relationship with Robby.
She smiled softly as she watched Miguel run off.
... ... ... ... ... ...
Robby ran off down his favorite path after he left the apartment. He was hoping that the anger would fade as he ran, but instead it just transformed. He became sad as his anger left. And this sadness sapped his energy.
He was just over halfway through his usual run when he had to stop.
Robby stopped at a bridge overlooking a river. It was pretty high up. Maybe fifty feet. Robby vaguely wondered if a person could die falling from that height. He wondered if he wanted to.
He shook his head violently in an attempt to clear the thoughts, but it only worked for a moment.
Then negative thoughts came flooding back.
The loudest was Why does nobody love me?
Logically, Robby knew that it wasn't true. He knew people loved him. The more accurate idea would be Why does nobody love me as much as they love Miguel?
It was true too. Daniel LaRusso liked Miguel better than him, and Sam liked Miguel better than him, and their friends liked Miguel better than him. Hell even Robby's own father liked Miguel better. The only reason Tory liked him more was because Robby had never cheated on her, but it was clear that she had mostly forgiven Miguel for that too, so it wouldn't be long before she joined Miguel's support party too.
Robby just wished that someone would love him.
But nobody did.
Tears were gathering in Robby's eyes now, but he refused to let them fall.
He looked down at the running water, fifty feet below. He wondered how much it would hurt if he hit the water. Would the impact kill him, or would he just be in agonizing pain? Maybe the fall would break his back and leave him crippled for the rest of his life. Maybe he would deserve that.
How long would it take for people to start looking for him? How long would it take for someone to find his body? The water looked like it was moving fast. It seemed pretty deep too. It had just rained recently. Maybe the river would take his body downstream. If he survived the impact, maybe he would drown. Robby wondered what it would be like to drown.
As Robby thought these things, he took a step forward. He leaned heavily on the railing.
It would be so easy to flip over the top. It could look like an accident. That way, none of his loved ones would have to feel guilty.
But how long would they even feel bad? They still had Miguel after all.
Robby took a deep breath and then nodded to himself. He was going to do it.
He leaned as heavily as he could on the old railing. He had to make sure the railing fell too, so it could look like an accident, like he leaned a little too hard on the old railing and it gave way, causing him to fall into the river with it.
Then, Robby heard footsteps coming his way. He loosened up his grip on the rail. He didn't need whoever this was to know about his plans.
The footsteps slowed as they neared.
"Robby?" Miguel's voice called out to him. "Are you okay?"
No . But Robby answered out loud "Yeah. Just taking a breather. I'm alright. You can go on." Robby never looked up at Miguel when he answered. He was still focused intently on the water below, on his goal.
But Miguel only walked to his side. Miguel also looked over the edge. "It sure is pretty here," Miguel said, letting them lapse into silence. Miguel could tell what Robby wanted to do, but he wasn't sure how to bring it up. He could tell by the intensity with which Robby stared at the water so far below. He wasn't about to leave Robby here alone. He was afraid of what might happen if he did.
So, Miguel stood by Robby's side, looking into the water.
Robby was surprised by Miguel's response to the river. He realized that Miguel was right. It was beautiful. But it didn't remove any of the depressing thoughts from his head.
The two boys stood there in silence for 30 minutes before Robby realized what Miguel was doing. Miguel wasn't going to leave him alone to kill himself. He sighed. That was when he noticed that his throat was incredibly dry. It had been for a while now, but he hadn't cared before because he was going to die anyway. He cleared his throat.
"You thirsty?" Miguel asked. Robby just nodded. "Alright. I brought you some water and some of my Mama's tamales. Let's go to that clearing a little ways up and rest."
Robby wanted to complain that they had been resting. But he knew that wasn't true. Robby's mind had been going a million miles an hour since he left the apartment. It was only now slowing down. As Robby's thoughts slowed, he could think more clearly. He realized that he didn't actually want to die at all. He just wanted to in the moment. He was kinda happy that Miguel had come along when he did to keep him from doing something he couldn't take back.
At this point, Miguel gently led Robby away from the edge and down the footpath a little farther. Robby could have walked by himself just fine, but the physical contact of Miguel's hand on his shoulder was grounding.
They stopped at the clearing that Miguel had mentioned and Miguel sat down. Robby followed suit. Miguel pulled out a water bottle for Robby, seeing as Robby hadn't brought one with him. Robby almost protested taking Miguel's water before the boy pulled another bottle out for himself. Robby smiled softly. Miguel was so thoughtful.
They drank some water and sat in quiet for a moment. "Do you want some tamales? My mom made them for you."
"For me?"
"Yeah. She remembered that you liked them, so when she went to make food for you and Sensei for this week, she made sure to make some. She shows her love through the food she makes," Miguel answered, pulling out the box.
"But my dad doesn't even like tamales," Robby said, taking one. He wasn't fully understanding what Miguel was trying to tell him.
"She knows that. But you do like them, and she knows that too," Miguel said. That was all the response he gave to that comment.
Robby took a moment to let that sink in for him. That would mean that Carmen cared about him and his likes and dislikes and paid attention to these things.
Robby wasn't sure how he felt about that. He was so sure that nobody would have noticed if he disappeared, but Miguel had followed him into the forest and Carmen had made him his favorite food, even though Johnny didn't like it. Maybe more people cared more about him than he thought.
They ate the tamales in silence.
Once the container was empty, the boys remained seated, staring out in front of them. No one said anything for a while. Neither moved either.
Miguel was trying to pick out the right words to say. Robby was waiting for the other boy to take the lead.
After a minute, Miguel took a deep breath and began to speak. He still wasn't sure that he was saying this in the right way, but he knew it needed to be said. He couldn't just let this go.
"I know what you were doing on the bridge Robby, what you were thinking about doing, what you were planning to do until I came," Miguel started.
"I know you know," Robby responded, but he didn't say anything else.
"I just want you to know that I'm not going to force you to talk about why, but I'm here if you want to talk about it. Or if you need someone to stand by your side to keep you from doing it. Just text me. I'll be there," Miguel said.
Robby felt tears welling in his eyes again. He wanted a person to help him through the rough patches more than anything, but how could it be Miguel if he was part of the problem.
"What's wrong, Robby?" Miguel said. And he decided that, if Robby didn't offer any information, he wouldn't press him.
"It would be so much easier if I could hate you," Robby said.
"What would be easier?"
"I don't know. Life, I guess."
Miguel took a deep breath before he said, "You can hate me if you need to. I don't mind." He didn't want Robby to hate him, but if that's what Robby needed to do, then so be it.
"That's the thing. You're too nice. I can't hate you. It would be like hating a puppy." Miguel hated the sense of relief he felt at the statement, but he felt it anyway.
"Why do you want to hate me?" Miguel asked.
Robby was silent for a moment and Miguel thought that the conversation would be over. He knew that he would keep his promise not to push Robby, even if it meant he would have to deal with knowing that Robby wanted to hate him, but couldn't without knowing why.
Robby looked at a tree across the clearing from them and said, "My dad loves you more than he loves me."
"No he doesn't. He loves you so much, Robby..." Miguel started only to be interrupted by Robby.
"If he loves me so much, how come he hasn't been home much the past couple weeks. Don't think I don't know that he's been hanging out with you."
"He hasn't. Robby, I don't know what your dad has been doing for the past week, but it had nothing to do with me," Miguel replied honestly.
Robby could hear the sincerity in Miguel's tone, even as he continued to refuse to look at Miguel's face. Robby was confused. If Miguel was telling the truth and he really hadn't seen Johnny much this week, than what had the man been doing?
"Why did he buy you all that new stuff for school then?" Robby asked.
"Because I needed new things for school. My mom asked him to get it for me because she has been too busy lately to do it herself. She gave him the money for it and everything," Miguel said. He did know the answer to that question.
Robby nodded, accepting Miguel's answer.
The boys sat in silence for a few more minutes.
Miguel began to speak again. He hadn't said everything that he needed to say about finding Robby on that bridge. "I was real scared when I found you. I didn't know how to keep you from doing it. I just knew I didn't want you to." Then Miguel looked at Robby, who was still staring steadfastly at that tree. "I care about you, Robby. I don't want you to die. I especially don't want you to die like that."
Robby's gaze shifted to the ground below his feet. Then he spoke in response. He said, "I was just so angry and sad and I felt so alone. I mean I don't even have a key to our apartment, but you do. Why do you have a key and I don't? I was just feeling a lot of things, Miguel. I'm alright." Miguel was going to interject, but Robby continued before he could. "I was just thinking too much too fast. I probably shouldn't have gone out on my own, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. But I feel better now that my thoughts have slowed down." Robby looked up at Miguel now, who was still looking at him intently. "I'm really glad you came along to stop me. As soon as my thoughts slowed down, I realized that I didn't actually want to die. I've still got a lot left to do with my life. I'm not suicidal, Miguel."
Miguel believed him, for the time being at least. But if it was this easy to get Robby to feel this way, then it was very likely to happen again.
"Okay," Miguel said. "But if you ever start to feel that way again, you can always text me."
Robby smiled and nodded. He would too.
Then a frown slipped onto Robby's face. "You're not going to tell my dad about this are you? He'd think I was a real pussy feeling that way."
Miguel thought for a moment, then sighed. "No. I won't tell him. But I think you should."
"I'll think about it," Robby answered and he would think about it, but he probably wouldn't do it.
By this point, the sun was slipping down in the sky. "We should get home. Our folks are probably worried about us," Miguel said, standing up.
Robby nodded as he also stood up.
He stayed with Miguel down the path, side by side.
When they arrived back at the apartments, Miguel went to go home. Robby grabbed his wrist quickly to get his attention. "Thanks... for everything, Miguel," Robby said.
Miguel smiled and said, "Anytime," before continuing to his apartment.
Robby went to his own apartment and knocked on the door. He knew that his dad was home because that stupid Eagle-Fang van was in the parking lot. Robby was surprised at how quickly Johnny came to the door. Johnny didn't move that fast for anyone.
When the door opened, the first words out of Johnny's mouth was, "Did you find him yet?"
Then Johnny realized who it was and pulled his son into a tight hug. Johnny didn't usually show affection this way, but he had been terrified about what could have happened to his son. "Robby," he said. "I was so worried about you." Robby was stunned to realize that Johnny was crying. Maybe his dad wouldn't hate him for having feelings after all.
"I'm okay, Dad," Robby said. He was smiling into his father's chest. His dad really had been worried. And a person has to love someone to be worried about them.
Johnny took a deep breath to pull himself together. Then, he said, "Come on. I've got something for you."
Robby followed his dad into the apartment.
Johnny looked around the apartment, slightly confused for a moment. Then, he picked up a small object off the floor. It must have fallen off the counter, or something.
"First of all," Johnny said. "I had this made while I was out. I was going to give you the spare but... well, you know what happened to that one."
Robby looked at the object that his dad was holding out to him. It was a key to the apartment. Robby couldn't help but grin. That was one less thing to worry about. This meant that his dad wasn't planning to kick him out or send him back to his mother anytime soon. Good. He really did like living with Johnny.
"That's awesome, Dad," Robby said, taking the key. And he meant it. He was thrilled by such a simple gesture, one that his dad probably didn't even think much of. He clipped it onto the skateboarding keychain he had attached to his belt loop. He had a key to his mother's apartment attached to it as well as a key to the LaRusso's guest house, just in case. Now he had a key to his own home and Robby couldn't be happier.
"I have one more thing for you," Johnny said. Johnny pulled out a box that was wrapped in birthday wrapping paper. It was nowhere near Robby's birthday. "I'm sorry about the wrapping paper. It was just the only kind I had and I wanted you to have to feel the suspense," Johnny said in response to the confused expression on Robby's face. "It's not, like a super early birthday present or anything. Just a going to back to school present."
Robby smiled at that. His dad sure was weird.
Then, Robby unwrapped the gift. Inside was a brand new, high end laptop. Robby had no idea how his father managed to pay for this. It had to be at least $1,000. Probably more. Robby stood there in their kitchen, stunned. How had his dad gotten him this?
Johnny saw the look on his face and launched into a rambling explanation. "I noticed your computer was working slow and I may not know a whole lot about much of anything, but I was pretty sure that computers that function so slowly aren't good for school. I have no idea why you didn't just tell me that you needed a new one though," Johnny said, pausing there, as if he hoped that Robby would answer the unasked question. When Robby didn't respond, Johnny continued. "So, I went to the tech shop that that geeky guy... what's his name?"
"Demetri," Robby answered as Johnny simply continued on.
"I told him I wanted the best model they had available and he showed me some shitty old thing. It might be because I wanted the cheapest cell phone I could find when I got one. But anyway I looked at him and said,' Seriously kid, that's the best you got. This is for Robby. Only the best for my son.' And he nodded and came back with this beauty. Said that it was very expensive and that I wouldn't be able to pay for it. But I did, clearly."
Johnny seemed to be finished with his tirade by this point, but he still hadn't told Robby the one thing that he really wanted to know. "How did you pay for it?"
"Oh. I just worked a bunch of odd jobs the past couple weeks, really hunkered down this week so that you could have it before school started," Johnny said, waving a hand dismissively.
Robby laughed the whole day seemed ridiculous now. He'd thought that his dad had decided to spend time with Miguel instead of him when actually Johnny had been out working to get him this really awesome laptop so that he could be more successful at school. God. How dumb could he possibly be.
Tears started falling again. Robby tried roughly to wipe them away, but they just came down harder.
Johnny was confused and concerned. He had no clue what was going on in Robby's head. He led Robby to the couch to sit down. "What's wrong, Robby?" Johnny asked in a tone far gentler than he had ever used before.
Robby took a deep breath to think before answering. He didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. Then he just spoke because he had to say something. "I almost killed myself today." Robby's voice was so quiet that Johnny could barely hear it. "I would have done it too, if Miguel hadn't come along when he did."
"Robby..." Johnny started. He was shocked. And terrified.
"I was just so sad and overwhelmed and I couldn't deal with it and my thoughts were just moving so fast," Robby's words were coming out fast now. "And then I find out that the time that I thought you were spending with Miguel, you were working odd jobs to get me that computer and that you had always meant to give me a key to the apartment. And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!" Robby was overwhelmed by emotion again and he was terrified by how his dad would respond.
Robby's breathing came in gasps. He couldn't get enough air into his lungs. He told his dad about his suicidal thoughts and now he wouldn't want him anymore. Who would, besides Miguel, who loved everyone. The world was blurring around Robby.
Then, he felt strong arms grab hold of him. He expected his father to throw him bodily out of the house, but Johnny just held him. Held him like the little boy that he no longer was. Like the little boy that Johnny had missed out on loving.
But Robby was here now, crying in Johnny's arms, scared after confessing his suicidality. Johnny wasn't going to let him go though. Not until Robby understood that Johnny would always love him. Not matter what he did, not matter what he thought. No matter what.
Johnny held Robby safe and tight through the boy's panic attack.
As the boy calmed down, Johnny continued to rock him gently, fatherly instincts that he hadn't know he had showing themselves clearly.
When Robby looked up at Johnny, Johnny gazed back down at him and said, "I love you, always and forever. My son."
Robby smiled faintly and whispered, "I love you too, Dad."
"Whatever you need, I'll do it for you. Anything you need, I'll find a way," Johnny said. His throat was tight. This was the most vulnerable he's ever been and it was hard for him. But he also knew that Robby needed to hear these words.
"Right now," Robby said. "What I need is for you to be here."
As Robby pressed closer to his dad, Johnny smiled affectionately at him. "That I can do, Robby. That I can do."