Chapter Text
Shorter awoke to a soft rustling, and opened his eyes to a mop of golden hair just under his chin. It was 03:54 on the tabletop clock. He figured it must’ve been just a while after Ash came home from his midnight walks.
Ash’s face was pressed tightly against Shorter’s chest, and he could feel his quiet breaths, the heave of his chest in sync with Ash’s. There were some nights where Ash would climb into his bed, and there were some nights Ash slept alone, in wherever he could find. Shorter let his hand ruffle Ash’s locks, and pulled him just a little closer, afraid to wake him, and yet desperate to hold him even a little tighter. The moonlight from the window fell gently on Ash's sleeping face, bathing his skin in hues of silver and lavender - he looked so peaceful, Shorter thought. More than he ever had before. Leaning down, Shorter pressed a kiss onto his forehead, his lips lingering just a little longer than he'd thought to allow himself to. Not that he ever had before, really - he wondered what Ash would say, if he only knew. If he had ever had the courage to ask for permission, to ask him if he would let him hold him close. Far away from the world that seemed to only want to tear him apart, away from everyone he ever loved. He wanted more than anything to be by his side.
"Shorter."
He froze. His heart sank. He woke Ash up - he couldn't have not felt it. Why did he do all that, why couldn't he have just let Ash sleep, undisturbed? Controlled himself, even? -- and now he knew how he felt. What was he supposed to tell him? That he hadn't meant it? It was an accident - an accident of what? There was no one Shorter could have mistaken Ash for. No, not when Ash already knew Shorter rarely slept next to anyone, except for Eiji - and sleeping next to him, after kidnapping him, betraying him, was just not an option. Not when Ash cared so tenderly for the Japanese boy. Not even if Eiji had told him countless times he never blamed him, or when he hugged him - and especially not if Ash wasn't around to see it. He couldn't betray him again.
"Hey, Shorter?"
Shorter could not bring himself to reply. He simply shut his eyes, tightly, and dug his nails deep into his palms, hoping that Ash would buy it.
"Hey," Ash repeated, this time softer than before. "I know you're awake."
Shorter sighed, and opened his eyes, but never lifting his gaze from the wall.
"Can't sleep?" he forced out. He half expected to hear a dose of 'well, not with you creeping all around me while I was asleep', or 'maybe if you weren't trying to touch me like all those assholes, I would', and any of its variants. He choked on his guilt, wondering how he could apologise in a way that didn't come off patronising. How he could hide the shame of loving him - when he knew he was the one Ash trusted never to feel that way towards him. He even reassured him as much, years ago.
Instead, he felt Ash's arms wrap around his body, his palms landing on his lower back, pulling him closer. Ash's face stayed right where it was before - still buried in his shirt.
"No," came the reply.
Because I woke you up with the kiss? Shorter thought. He tried to reach his hand out to touch Ash's back, but he was shaking. So he held it back and let his arms stay by his side, rigidly.
"I'm cold," Ash said, simply.
Oh. That's why he's here, thought Shorter. He figured it wouldn't matter who it was, well, not significantly - whether it was him or Alex or Kong or Bones. Or Eiji, who would have been a better choice, of course. But he was asleep in the next room. Maybe the entrance to Shorter's room was the shortest distance from the door, he reasoned. And Alex slept with Kong and Bones in the room behind the hallway anyway - hardly any room for a fourth.
"I can get another blanket," he offered, finally.
Shorter could feel a firm shake of the head. That Ash was still lying against his chest made him rather self-conscious. He hoped his shirt smelled alright. Or that Ash didn't notice how warm he was getting.
"-'s fine like this."
"But you're cold."
"If you get up now, I'll be colder."
Shorter paused for a moment. That much was true, but he wasn't sure how much he could endure with Ash against him like this without ripping apart everything he had chosen to bury.
"Just, stay like this," Ash said, in barely a whisper.
"Isn't it uncomfortable..?" Shorter ventured.
Then, Ash pulled away, his arms suddenly letting go. Shorter felt a pang of regret.
"Are you uncomfortable..?" Ash asked, his green eyes piercing, his expression unreadable, causing Shorter to look away almost immediately, lest he saw right through to his heart.
"No," Shorter replied. "Never." He could feel his palms sweating.
"You look like you are."
"Never," Shorter repeated, louder this time, and probably more desperate. He wished he could swallow his words the moment he said it.
Ash blinked, then wordlessly resumed his original position, his arms finding the small of Shorter's back, tracing his fingers up and down the dip of his hips, his cheek against Shorter's chest once more, skin to skin this time.
Shorter swallowed, hard. He wasn't sure what Ash was thinking - and he was certain Ash knew he had kissed him.
"Are we going to pretend that nothing's happened?"
Shorter felt he was going to die.
"W-What do you mean?" he stammered out. It was uncharacteristic of him, he thought to himself. He tried to think of ways to turn it around into a joke - laugh it off like best friends do, and go back to sleep.
"I'm not saying you can't," Ash replied, drily.
Well, you're not saying I can, either, Shorter thought. And oh. Of course he was awake.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Ash asked, again, with an urgency in his voice, almost as if he was worried - but, Shorter thought, why? He's the one nursing a years-long crush.
"No, of course not," Shorter replied. "I'd never, I could never feel that way around you."
"Okay," came the reply. It was so simple, so neutral, in an unassuming tone, that Shorter almost let himself believe Ash was on board with all of this. All of his feelings, unsorted and otherwise, towards him.
Then he felt Ash pull away, and he closed his eyes. He deserved it.
Until he felt a short peck on his cheek.
"Payback."
Shorter just stared at him.
"You're really nervous," Ash said at last.
"I- I kind of am," Shorter replied. "We've never talked about this - and, I don't even know where to begin that -"
"Yeah." Ash seemed sleepy, Shorter thought. Maybe they should just call it a night. Never bring it up again, hopefully. To go back to how they used to be, if Ash would let him.
"It's nice here," Ash continued. "It's nice to be near you like this."
"Oh," was all Shorter could manage. He doesn't mind it?
"I was afraid you'd leave," Shorter said abruptly, and his voice cracked at the end. Thoughts and worries swirled in his mind; there was so much he needed to tell Ash, so much he needed to confess, so much forgiveness he needed to beg for. His thoughts of Eiji, his thoughts of Ash - and the knowledge that Ash looked at Eiji the same way he looked at them both.
"I won't," Ash replied, drowsily. "I won't." As if to emphasise the point, he pulled Shorter into a hug again, but shifting himself so his face was level with his. And then he pressed a kiss on Shorter's forehead.
"Goodnight," he said.
Shorter blinked. Quickly, almost unthinkingly, he pulled Ash into the tightest hug he could, his palms gripping onto his shoulders for dear life.
"Goodnight, Ash," he whispered. I love you, he thought to himself. I love you so much.