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Chapter Text

It was under the Warm Red Pavilion porch, and its cries were getting distressing.

Shen Jiu was not about to kneel in the mud, but if he crouched as low as he could and nearly put his head between his knees, he could see the source: a rat-sized, tufty, splay-legged kitten, all toothless maw and distrustfully squinted eyes. It was astonishingly loud for how small and how weak it appeared.

“Oh, the poor thing,” Gu-mei said uncertainly, when he brought it out. She and the others hadn’t been about to kneel in the mud, either, although in their case it was more understandable. Their matron would’ve murdered them and the washerwoman would’ve brought them back to murder again.

“Oh!” Fa-jie said, “Oh, it must be the child of that cat that - it really is a poor thing, meimei, its mom was murdered by a dog while she was trying to move the others!”

“Oh, how awful!”

“That horrible noise last night, was that her? I thought A-Jiu was getting rid of some monsters for us!”

“Who’s been feeding that dog scraps at the back door, ah?!”

A-Jiu had slept through the whole thing. He had been safe on the second story, behind solid walls, and surrounded by the soft scents of women and their pillowy, silken bodies. Even the street brat who depended on Qi-ge and light sleep to avoid a fate similar to mother cat’s gave up and rolled over in that company. He would pay them a bonus.

“It’s too young to live without its mother, and it looks like she left the runt behind, anyway. What a shame.” Sha-mei was soft-voiced, but pitilessly practical. She’d make a good madam, if that was where her life led her.

“She had eight others!” Fa-jie protested, as if leaving the runt who couldn’t secure itself a nipple somehow made the cat a bad mother and she felt defensive about it. She had an odd way of observing all the details and yet pouncing on the most irrelevant avenue of thought. It made her a humorous conversationalist, at least. She was also a regular bleeding heart, with more courage than sense. Come to think of it, she looked guilty now, in a way that somehow suggested ‘I rescued a kitten the madam wouldn’t approve of’ rather than ‘I stood by and did nothing while its mother and siblings were eaten.’

Sure enough, the hand she put to her bosom steadied a squirming third lump, and Shen Jiu stifled a laugh. That was the luckiest kitten ever to be born.

The unlucky ninth kitten wasn’t dead yet. It had stopped screaming and was trying to latch onto the tip of his finger to nurse. It was getting muck all over his hands. When his pinky gave no milk, it put its snoot in the air and gave an aggrieved yawp. “Huh. What does a cat this young need?”

He took it back to the peak, and modified his least-favorite water-dripper for milk (by putting milk in it) and a handkerchief into a sling to keep it from wandering around inside his robes and getting them dirty. Then he went to class.

—

He got kicked out of class. Apparently nursing a kitten in his robes looked indecent (what? His hands were ABOVE his belt, what did they think he was doing?) and not nursing the kitten resulted in distracting kitten wails. It was only calligraphy, anyway. The hallmaster had looked flabbergasted as he walked off, but his shifu wasn’t going to give a fuck about anything unrelated to her own comforts and whims, so Shen Jiu was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be punished. He went to the back of the kitchen.

“What is that?” asked the only other reasonable human being on Qing Jing Peak.

“It is a strange mobile tumor. I’m keeping it for now so that Mu-shidi can study it.”

“Uh-huh.” Aunty Soup Cook tucked the ladle back in the broth and stirred.

“It’s a parasite I picked up on a mission, and I’m too embarrassed to get it removed.”

“You’re shameless.”

“It’s an excuse to get out of class.”

“Now that sounds plausible, but doesn’t answer my question. Puppy, kitten, or some other beast?”

“It-“ The little beast’s mew answered that question. Or not, really; all babies sounded very much alike. He took it out to show her.

“Awww, the precious little bundle! If you let it anywhere near my pots it’s charcoal.”

“Yes, Aunty.”

“Do you know how to feed it? It’ll need softened meat once it starts getting teeth. Once it’s a little more active, you can start raiding the box traps to train it on mice. Start with the mostly-dead, move up to the merely wounded, then let it loose on regular live ones. Soon it’ll be feeding itself - and ridding us of a few pests.”

“Oh. That’s… good to know. You hear, little beast? You’re going to be useful.”

“It’s not a spiritual beast, is it?”

“Oh, no, just an ordinary stray. Completely mundane.”

Aunty Soup Cook’s face scrunched sadly. “It won’t last long, then.”

“Doesn’t matter. Fei-jie said they can live fifteen to twenty years, under someone’s care. I’m fifteen to twenty now. Fifteen years from now, I intend this to be the fattest, happiest, oldest cat you’ve ever seen. He or she will have three hundred grandchildren.”

“That’s a good goal.”

“Mn.”

“What have you named it?”

“Oh, I haven’t. I probably won’t.” Little Nine, some treacherous organ suggested. He squashed it with vigor.

—

He dodged, and dodged again, heart in his throat. How the fuck to end this without crushing the little beast too young to even know it was digging its claws into his belly?

“I can’t fight!” he yelled, breathlessly. What reason would the animal attacking him care about? He put his hand to his lower abdomen. “I’m - I’m carrying an innocent life!”

His feet were planted to get him out of the way, but the Bai Zhan Thundering Clod skidded to a halt halfway through a sword form so perfect it could have been used for a manual. His eyes bugged.

“You got PREGNANT?!” screeched the pride of the peak that did absolutely no thinking whatsoever.

An evil grin curled Shen Jiu’s lip against his will. He settled back and feigned a nonchalant shrug. “With all the time I spend at the Warm Red Pavilion, what did you expect?”

The Runaway Boulder narrowed his eyes… squinting past the dazzle of his earlier lightning insight. “How.”

Shen Jiu coughed delicately. He couldn’t blush on command, more’s the pity.

The Bai Zhan Natural Disaster could, though. Oh, he was changing like a sunset. Vivid pink to almost purple! “Don’t tell me.” He turned abruptly, and started to walk off, stiff with turmoil. Then he turned back. “I won’t fight you until it’s, it’s. …” Another pause for intense cogitation. “Um. I thought you were a man.”

Now there was an interesting avenue of escape from the hell of the dorms. But no. “I am.”

“…Oh. Okay. In a year, then.”

“Byeeee.” This kitten was his lucky, lucky charm! This kitten was sent by Guanyin herself! Give mercy, get mercy! And Liu-shidi’s assumption also gave him the perfect name for the horrible critter.

“I picked a name. I’m calling it Bastard.”

“Please don’t name it that.”

“You can thank Liu-shidi for the inspiration. I picked it up in a whorehouse, it’s that or Venereal Disease.”

“…You can name it Bastard.”

Chapter Text

For someone so taciturn, Liu Qingge was astonishingly good at promulgating rumor. When Shen Jiu crossed the threshold of the welcoming pavilion at Qian Cao the next day, there were six inner disciples stomping and shoving each other to be the one who spoke to him.

“Shen-shixiong,” Mu Qingfang said serenely, stepping over his paralyzed shidimen, “What brings you here today?”

“Mu-shidi. I would prefer not to discuss my private affairs — “ Shen Jiu glanced disdainfully down at their avidly listening audience “— out here.”

Mu Qingfang did not conceal his delighted gleam all that well. The first time Shen Jiu had let anyone examine him, and supposedly he was pregnant?! He, yes, he, Mu Qingfang, would get the hottest, most accurate, exclusive gossip FIRST. (Which plant or demonic parasite did Shen Jiu run afoul of? Or was he physically capable of bearing children, despite his preferred presentation? Who was the other parent, if there was one? What else could have brought him to Qian Cao?!)
This would either be the best gossip he had to share this month, or it would be the best gossip he had to share this year! He would be able to demand what he liked of his shifu for whatever he learned. Patient privacy? It was a consult, a consult! But on the outside, he merely bowed, and said calmly, “Of course. This way, shixiong.”

He made a point of showing Shen Jiu the silencing talismans lining the walls. No information carelessly overheard around here, certainly not! All of it one hundred percent intentionally shared! His shixiong however seemed to realize the, ah, glaring weakness of the design, and put a finger to his lips before reaching into the front of his robes and bringing out…a lumpy bag.

“If you tell anyone about this,” he said sweetly, “I will know who blabbed, and they will find pieces of you on all twelve of the peaks.”

Mu Qingfang nodded, pretty certain that their Sect Leader wouldn’t let Shen Jiu get away with murder even if the Qing Jing Peak Lord absolutely would.

“…and I already have my fall guy set up. I will get away with it.”

“How unnecessary, Shen-shixiong. May I examine your meridians?” Mu Qingfang held out his hand for Shen Jiu’s wrist, but Shen Jiu backed away and plopped the bag in his hand instead.

“You may not. Instead, tell me what’s wrong with this.”

(Shen Jiu had never paid much attention to cats before. Kittens occurred annually, appearing around the time the gutters really started to stink again and mostly indistinguishable from their parents by the time they frosted over. They weren’t good to eat and they didn’t try to eat kids unless they were dead anyways, so he’d focused on dogs and humans and weather.
However, even so he could tell things weren’t going well. Goat milk didn’t seem to agree with Bastard. Its first couple days, it had cried in discomfort after being fed, little whimpers distinct from its ‘feed me’ scream, and had incredibly stinky, runny poo.
Also, the kitten was really lazy. It seemed content to sleep in its sling in his robes when it wasn’t hungry, and when he dangled a ribbon for it to bat at it gave up after three halfhearted swipes. Soup Aunty said that wasn’t normal, and probably, the kitten was going to die pretty quick of just being bad at living.
That didn’t seem fair. Qi-ge had managed to raise a toddler found in a ditch when he himself was just a beggar child. Surely Bastard, who’d been found by a pampered disciple of a renowned cultivation sect, would have even better chances…
No. Bastard was going to live, and have an excellent life, and die fat and ancient and happy.)

Mu Qingfang’s face went through an entire epic journey before he realized he still had the hottest gossip of the month in his hands. “I… have you considered going to the Beast Peak? This one does not consider himself an expert on felines.”

“This is my child,” Shen Jiu said, with a straight face.

Mu Qingfang was not stupid. As succeeding disciple to Qian Cao Peak, he really couldn’t afford to be! No matter how messed up all his sect brothers and sisters were, he had to be there for them, pick up their pieces and put them back together and avoid being killed by their ineptitude (and their direct assassination attempts, although those were thank goodness rarer now that he’d actually been named successor. It had been excellent practice in identifying poisons while it lasted, excellent practice!)
“Shen-shixiong. Were you, perhaps, carrying this kitten in the front of your robe at a time when Liu-shidi decided to fight you again?” Mu Qingfang turned the kitten’s ear inside out and then checked its gums. Pale, gunky-eared, and maybe a bit too warm? The anemia was probably the bigger problem, and would explain the lethargy.

“I was.” Shen Jiu held himself tight as a bowstring, watching his shidi’s deft hands manipulate the kitten.

Mu Qingfang checked its other end. Hm, a boy. No worms, thank goodness, but perhaps insufficient gut bacteria, as well. “And did you, perhaps, inform him that you did not want to fight because you were carrying, ah… an innocent life, or something vague like that?”

“Very much like that.”

“Much becomes clear.”

There was silence while Mu Qingfang wrote up a prescription for fractional amounts of blood-improving powders, probiotics, a gentle anti-parasite, and a milk substitute. He knew Shen Jiu could and would get them filled at the pharmacy the Warm Red Pavilion ladies use, rather than the Peak’s own pharmacy - if he didn’t gather the herbs himself. The scholar was awful and sensibly paranoid like that.

“Now, in exchange for your services…” Shen Jiu chewed his lower lip, and then flipped a narrow booklet out of his sleeve, “First pick of the likely date for Liu-shidi to figure out that my Bastard is a cat? I expect the betting to be fierce once I open the book.”

—

Yue Qingyuan tried to approach Shen Jiu several times that week. Shen Jiu had not perfected the art of effortlessly gliding off Somewhere Else to Do Something Important like his Shizun had, and once had to crawl out a window and scuttle down a three hundred foot cliff like a bug, which was not easy given he had to keep his squishy little kitten from bumping into the rocks. Bastard took it all in stride, not even waking up until they were halfway down and then deciding the best thing to do was poke his tiny snoot out of his sling and watch the world go by. Shen Jiu had one continuous heart attack the rest of the way down, thinking he’d try to get out and explore. Thank all the gods that Bastard was really just that lazy - he didn’t even stick a paw out.

His forsworn brother finally caught up with him on the tenth day, on the Rainbow Bridge, where his options were limited to falling off one side or the other. He managed a distant nod and tried to sweep past, but Yue Qingyuan, the enormous shit, swept a little faster and took his elbow in a casual but unrelenting grip.
(So that was diplomacy, ah? Seemed familiar.)

"Xi- Ah, Shen-shidi. Since we’ve met by chance, shidi, surely we can talk?”

Shen Jiu scowled and muttered. “Two enemies will meet on a narrow road.”

“How has your health been?"

"Adequate." Shen Jiu stared straight ahead. They kept walking.

"Shen-shidi, I won't beat around the bush… Why did you lie to Liu-shidi? He’s very…straightforward."

"I didn’t lie!" Shen Jiu snarled, aware his voice was skewing higher and louder than he’d like, "he - that gullible little - errrgh, you always take their side! I can’t do anything right!" Yue Qingyuan put out a calming hand, face pale and sweaty and always, always, so stupidly condescendingly guilty and sad.
"At least you're aware that honorable isn't the same as trustworthy,” Shen Jiu hissed at him, “That should serve you well as sect leader. Then you can even get rid of me without anyone questioning you!"

Yue Qingyuan looked at him sadly. “Xiao Jiu, I would never - I only want to protect you… even from yourself. Please, calm yourself." He gulped. "You’re - you’re carrying a child, after all.”

Shen Jiu screeched, and reached down to tear his slipper off his foot. Yue Qingyuan didn’t even defend himself; just stood there like an ox, blinking in confusion as Shen Jiu smacked him with it.
“Out! Get Out! Shoo! Scram! Fuck OFF!”

Yue Qingyuan finally turned and plodded away. He paused, and looked back, a few yards away. Before he could speak, Shen Jiu threw his slipper.

Yue Qingyuan took it on the chin like a gentleman, fumbled catching it, and dolefully watched it pinwheel off into the gulf beyond the Rainbow Bridge.

Hours later, searching for it in the underbrush, Shen Jiu clung to the small warmth in his chest. That expression had almost been worth it.

—

Since he had a long con to run, Shen Jiu still kept Bastard riding in the front of his robe whenever he went out. With a little padding, it was easy enough to keep the squirming to a minimum and the claws off his skin.

Eight months later, it was still going. He’d wronged Mu-shidi; his sect-brother could indeed keep his mouth shut when he stood to gain from it.

"Shifu. I need a two month vacation."

"Purpose?"

"To fuck with Liu Qingge."

"Granted."

There is a pause, but she does not dismiss him. He stays, gracefully and humbly prostrated.
"Does this have anything to do with the cat you have been carrying around for eight months?" Shifu asked politely.

"Yes, Shifu."

"And the rumors that you are pregnant with a child of dubious parentage?"

"There can be no doubt that both my child's parents were cats."

"How are you keeping that from getting out? Have you successfully threatened all your peers?"

Shen Jiu scoffed. “What good would that do? No, I started a betting pool.”

Shifu’s hands hit the desk. “And I wasn’t invited?! Unfilial disciple! Disgrace!”

Shen Jiu demurred. “Deepest apologies, Shifu. I thought you were due a cut from the house take. You see, people sign up for the week they think he'll catch on, BUT. If Liu Qingge figures it out from an outsider hint, the whole pot goes to the house. Which is me, and they all hate me.” He smugged. “You know. Incentives.”

She was dubiously mollified. "What is the house take expected to be?"

"30 spirit stones, give or take five. Or 300-odd, if someone slips."

"Bah. Students. Paltry."

Shen Jiu shrugged. He was riding the razor edge of his shifu's good will and gambling instinct. If she decided Shen Jiu was too cocky it would all go sideways. If she thought he was too meek it'd all end up flat. "Students. So. Did you want a cut, or do you want to gamble for the big payout?" He slipped the book from his sleeve and waggled it enticingly.

"Hm. I assume everything two months out is taken. Better idea. The Peak Lords have a betting pool on the other parent. If they haven't figured it out by the time you return, I'm making you my head disciple."

Frankly, she was going to make him her head disciple anyway. You are my chosen agent of chaos.

Shen Jiu’s shifu had a hideous jade sculpture at her desk, a dragon coiled around a sphere with the motto “Keep your face serene, get away with murder” engraved about the base, which she petted whenever she had the urge to pat a disciple’s head.

Now, her fingers curled around the knobs and whorls of the bulbous knickknack. Shen Jiu, realizing her motive, wanting the extra brownie points (and maybe a little touch-starved, alright) bent his head into patting range.

He received the head pats of Shifu’s magnanimous dignity.

—

Two months later, Liu Qingge met him at the foot of the stairs.

Liu Qingge squinted at his slim silhouette and frowned. "Where's the baby."

Shen Jiu batted his lashes and paraphrased the notorious free-spirited beauty Wo Anling, muse of Zhang Gongzhi. "What baby?"

Chapter Text

“For the next order of business, I am making Shen Jiu my succeeding disciple.  His succession name will be Qingqiu.”

“Isn’t he underqualified?”

Qing Jing’s Peak Lord glared at Zui Xian’s.  “If I say he’s qualified, isn’t he qualified?”

“Isn’t he pregnant?”  Fa Bao uncurled lazily from her seat, polished an already mirror-bright scale of her silver tail, and resettled herself in its heavy coils.  She was wearing a matching set of body parts today, in flower-painted and gilded porcelain, except for the massive silver snake tail that she often preferred instead of legs.  As Lord of the Artificer’s Peak, she could indulge in such whimsy, and send her extra limbs out on missions for her, to boot.

The Lord of the Beast-taming Peak counted off months on his remaining three fingers. “Nah, he has to have popped by now.  More importantly, who’s the other parent?!”

Qing Jing wafted her fan idly.  “Young Liu Qingge of Bai Zhan has taken responsibility.”

Several accusing glares shot towards the Peak Lord of Bai Zhan.  The enormous man simply closed his eyes and went back to being dead, as he generally did when there was anything he didn’t want to deal with.

Beast-taming smiled as affably as a man with a very deep scar cutting from temple to opposite chin could.  “All right, all right, who-all bet on the baby tiger…”

An Ding raised his hand, face slumped in his other hand as usual.

“What?  No, I’m sure you didn’t!”  Qian Cao tried to drag the betting book from Qing Jing’s hands and see.  Qing Jing gracefully rose to her feet and stepped onto the table to hold it out of the taller woman’s reach.

An Ding didn’t even look up.  “No.  Next order of business.  I’m confirming Shang Cangshu as my succeeding disciple.”

The furor that followed wasn’t as vociferous as the outcry following Qing Jing’s announcement.  Most people were relieved.  Xian Shu went so far as to actually say “Oh thank heavens, we thought you might actually make Young Master Cockroach next Peak Lord.”  Or, well, dance it.  Her interpretation of ‘cockroach’ was particularly fascinating to watch.

An Ding took it in stride.  His opinion of his fellow Peak Lords, formed over long centuries, couldn’t be found at the bottom of the deepest well.  Especially Xian Shu, who had a habit of whipping her paperwork to shreds with her Heavenly Ribbon for being ‘unbeautiful.’  “Zhang Gongzhi is skilled at accounting. Cangshu has better connections and doesn’t sneak into my office to leave strange poetry.  Besides.  His name is auspicious.” 

“Zhang Gongzhi’s pancakes are too salty,” Zui Xian affirmed, with a grim nod.

“They’re both terrible people who deserve to lead the Thankless Peak,” An Ding said gloomily, “Cangshu is slightly terribler.  He’ll do great.”

The Sect Leader groaned, as if heaving off a great weight.  Everyone hurriedly sat down, avoiding his gaze.  His nipples surveyed the room coldly.

"Dignity," he reminded them.  "Is paramount," he finally added, and went back to staring into the void.

Bets were sorted, and the next meeting time approved.  Very soon they would Ascend to the Heavens, and leave this nonsense to their disciples.  Now that the last succeeding disciples were chosen it could only be a matter of years.

–

Shen Qing*don'tthinkaboutit* moved the stack of paperwork that hid Qi-ge’s face. Others hid his torso, hips, and portions of his legs, and yet more teetered on his other side, apparently completed since portions of them were being whisked away by less interesting Qiong Ding disciples.  The winter sunlight barely made it into the infirmary room.  Work had to be done by night-pearl lantern.

“Why are you doing all this paperwork while you’re bedridden?  Did the Exposed Sphincter really Ascend ahead of schedule?”

He hated to admit it, but Yue Qingyuan looked awful - gray, and sort of underinflated.  He moved like his arms were almost too heavy to lift.  Shen Qing*you'llneverescape*, still shaky from his qi deviation, still looked infinitely better off.

Yue Qingyuan took a deep breath and raised his eyes, with a helpless, hapless, appeasing twitch of his lips.  “Xi- en Qing, er, shidi!  Congratulating shidi on his promotion.  This one did not expect to see…”

Shen Qing*nope* scowled at Yue Qingyuan’s tremulous smile.  So you heard about my promotion, and my qi deviation?   “Obviously.  Nor did you want to, I’m sure.”  Bastard, squeezed by his crossed arms, reluctantly oozed out of the collar of his robe. Shen Qing*I'mabouttodeviateagainIswear* ignored his reproachful look in favor of his own emotional difficulties. Which he was also not paying attention to.

“Shidi is always a welcome sight, I swear.  I meant to - I have gifts prepared for my new nephew; please, sit and have some tea and tell me about him.  I’ll have someone run and fetch them right away.”  Yue Qingyuan signaled urgently to one of his fellow disciples.

“What do you care?” Shen Qing* - you know what, Jiu.  Shen Jiu, because FOR NOW abandoning his new courtesy name that marked him as a succeeding disciple was better than thinking himself into a qi deviation every time he referred to himself - asked bluntly.  He didn’t sit.  Bastard attempted to wriggle back into the front of his robe and found the space still too constricted.  Different bits of the cat kept poking out into the cold.  Shen Jiu gestured broadly at Yue Qingyuan.  “Where were you injured, anyway?”

“A- at Bai Lu Moun…tain?”  Yue Qingyuan fried under Shen Jiu’s glare, curling into a little abashed fritter of a man. “Ah.  Er, well…”  (Shen Jiu felt he had been quite clear; he meant where on the body, not geographically.  Everyone and their grandmother knew about the sealing of Tianlang-jun under Bai Lu Mountain.  This was what happened when you didn't listen to your strategist!)

Yue Qingyuan glanced at his giant sword, propped by the head of the bed, with an expression Shen Jiu couldn’t read.  Wistful…?  Resentful...?  Did the sword symbolize something he regretted?  Surely he hadn’t injured himself with it by accident.  Not even Qi - Yue Qingyuan was that much of an idiot.  If he’d hamstrung himself it would’ve been in the first year he was learning to fly on it, like everyone else.  Maybe more metaphorical? From what he remembered of his brother’s build before they were separated, it was a very direct metaphor rather than a case of overcompensation.  A metaphor…  Ah.  Not an injury by his own sword, but an injury to his 'sword.'

Shen Jiu nodded sharply, and checked for listeners before telling him, “Hmph.  I can see why you wouldn’t let that get about.  People are such fools about ‘swords’ and their relationship to a man's power.”  Qi-ge’s already reached his full height and strength.  We’re orphans, and we will be immortal - our family lines begin and end with ourselves.  Really, whatever delicate bits were injured in fighting the Demon Emperor, my Qi-ge is better off without such things.  Men are such utter beasts, after all.  But, obviously, the rest of the world would see it as a weakness to capitalize on.

He decided not to examine the satisfaction he felt at seeing Yue Qingyuan laid low.

Yue Qingyuan blanched and flinched at his words.  “Y- you - know?  How?   Who talked?” he whispered. His eyes lifted to Shen Jiu’s, suddenly full of awful sparkly things like Hope and Awe.  “You…don’t hate me for it?”

Shen Jiu just raised an eyebrow at him, taken aback.  “Hate you?  Qi-ge was just a fool, as usual.” 

Yue Qingyuan started sobbing messily.  Phrases like ‘thought you’d never forgive’, ‘doing so well for yourself’, and ‘my Xiao Jiu lost forever’ floated up out of the bubbling snot swamp.

Shen Jiu backed up a couple paces when it looked like Yue Qingyuan would try to get up and hug him.  Apparently injuring one’s gonads made one emotional.  Pinching Qi-ge had never gotten him to cry like this!  (And - what was Qi-g - Yue Qingyuan going about?  Hadn't he made the choice to discard their dirty past?) He was getting Sect paperwork wet - a reply to get-well wishes from Huan Hua palace, it looked like.  He released Bastard onto Yue Qingyuan’s lap without mercy, and took away his paperwork and brush. 

”This shidi will help with the paperwork,” he announced, sitting down out of grabbing range. Bastard investigated the bed. “Good fucking heavens, they’re already trying to grab territory from us?  ‘In gratitude for your help’ ‘while you’re indisposed’ - like we don’t know what THAT means.  Let’s see… 'Utmost gratitude for your …unnecessary concern…Feel confident leaving things to …vigorous young Qing generation…Relax and concentrate on your own Ascension.’ annnnd go bugger yourself with the gigantic catapult you’d need to reach the Heavens, you nasty old disciple groper.  At least losing your bits means you’ll never follow that path, ge.”

 Shen Jiu patted Yue Qingyuan’s head.  Yue Qingyuan squeaked.  The fascinated Qiong Ding disciples remained frozen on their side of the bed, arms full of paperwork and mouths open like carp.

“Silence. Dead secret,” Yue Qingyuan signed frantically down the side of the bed that they could see and Shen Jiu could not.  “Y-yes, shidi.”

-

Liu Qingge’s heart beat fast as he peered through the thick fringe of bamboo at the edge of the snow-dusted courtyard.  The winter sun shimmered on the covered porch where his quarry sat dangling a ribbon for a small, black-faced cat.  The cat idly waved one front paw at it, then the other.  Then, after a while, the first paw again.  Shen Jiu, smiling, dangled the ribbon right on its nose.

The cat abruptly struck with both paws and crammed the ribbon into its mouth.  Well pleased, it rolled to its feet and tried to walk away with it, though Shen Jiu still held the other end.  Shen Jiu laughed .

The soft sound shook Liu Qingge from his stupor. 

He stepped forward.  “Shen Jiu.”

Instantly the good mood fled.  Shen Jiu’s face soured and the cat took off with its ribbon.  Liu Qingge flushed.

“Liu-shidi,” his martial brother said, coldly, “Qingge may start using this humble one’s succession name anytime he pleases.  Or shixiong.” 

Oh.  That was right.  Shen Jiu had been named successor to Qing Jing, and his generation name was… something seasonal?  Liu Qingge couldn’t remember and wouldn’t ask.  He mumbled, “Greeting Qing…ch’.”  There!  Vague enough that it could be pretty much anything!

Shen Qingmumble scoffed.  “And what does Liu Qing ‘ch’ want with this one?”

Liu Qingge took a deep breath.

 He thrust forward the longevity lock he’d asked his mother for.  (He’d had to write a whole eight lines explaining the situation, and she had descended to deliver it in person, along with his father, baby sister, maternal grandmother, and spinster aunt.  Then they wanted to talk about it.  His own peak was a little overwhelming at the moment.)

“For our baby,” he muttered.

Shen Jiu froze, and slowly narrowed his eyes.  “ ‘Our?’ ” he inquired.  

The cat poked its head back out of the hut, and gazed at them both, mouth open in a silent meow and ribbon still stuck to its tongue.  Shen Jiu waved it back, eyes still on Liu Qingge.  It shut its mouth and judged him with a mild slow blink.

“Our baby,” Liu Qingge repeated, stolidly.

Shen Jiu stared at him and started laughing again, only it was a breathier, wild-eyed sort of laughter.  “Are you serious.”

Liu Qingge thought it over, and nodded.  Yes.  He was serious.  He would take responsibility and do right by his son.  “Yes.”

Shen Qing*getusedtoit* pulled Bastard into his lap to think.  Thinking was easier with his face shoved in Bastard’s warm fur. 

“What if I don’t acknowledge you as the father,” he said at last, “What if I won’t even let you see the kid?”

“I would still support you and the child.  It is the right thing to do.”  Liu Qinnge felt something ease in his gut.  His parents wanted him to marry, or at least become cultivation partners with Shen Jiu.  If Shen Jiu didn’t want that, all he had to do was bring them… food, and …fans, and whatever else they needed.  Much simpler.

Shen Qing*argh. Qiu* watched the slightly younger boy ease at the thought of doing his fatherly duty with as little human interaction as possible.  His gut flipped over as he considered various means of producing a human child of the right age, and nurturing it to independence while also fulfilling his duties as head disciple and Peak Lord.  It flopped the other way, considering the consequences of Liu Qingge learning about Bastard.  He’d never meant the joke to go this far!  They’d have to build a new Head Disciple hut when the brute was done rampaging.  They’d need to build a new Head Disciple!

Unconsciously, he cradled Bastard closer, rocking him in his arms.  Bastard slow-blinked at him, purring.  Shen Qingqiu nuzzled his forehead, just like he always did, and considered the freshly cast longevity lock in Liu Qingge’s hand.  It looked like solid gold.  It would fit Bastard’s scrawny neck just fine, though it would probably end up under the bed when he shook it off.  Liu Qingge and his noble, wealthy family could afford to support any ten babies in luxury.  Maybe the Red Pavilion ladies knew a sister in need of a good home for an infant.  If rescuing a cat had brought him this much good karma, how much would a human child bring…?  (Enough to shake off the Qiu?)

Liu Qingge considered Shen Jiu.  He held that cat like it was his new infant.  He kissed its head just like Liu Qingge’s mother kissed little Mingyan’s fluffy scalp.

On the stairs, returning from his two-month ‘mission,’ Shen Jiu had carried a pack, which Liu Qingge had not seen him do before.  When he had grabbed Shen Jiu, demanding answers, Shen Jiu had kneed him in the balls so hard he’d wondered if he’d ever have another son, and fled.

Shen Jiu had protected that pack violently.  It had wiggled and made noises in his arms.  Even Liu Qingge had been able to conclude that their son was in that sack.  For a moment when Shen Jiu spoke, he had been afraid that Shen Jiu had - had gotten rid of it.  Left it with someone who would not be kind.  Keeping a month-old infant in his luggage on a mission and defending it with all he had, on the other hand, was parenting that Liu Qingge could approve of.

At the time he’d resolved to fix things between them.  Reassure Shen Jiu that he could be more than a brute, wouldn’t harm him or their child, would protect and support him. The terrible qi deviation Shen Jiu had fallen into immediately upon returning home had delayed his declaration but only strengthened his resolve.   

A cat would fit in a pack that size.  A cat could wail like an infant.

Cat.  Infant.  Cat.  Infant.

Liu Qingge thought of …a lot of his interactions with his martial siblings in the past few months.

He was struck with a suspicion.  No, a certainty.

His son with Shen Jiu was a cat.

His brows drew together. Shen Jiu flinched, then hunched warily over his cat, baring his teeth.  The cat glanced up at him, confused, and then decided to imitate him, hissing and glaring at Liu Qingge.

Liu Qingge felt hurt. Didn't they know he would never harm a mother or a child? (Unless they were monsters.) Their martial siblings might think it funny that his first son was a cat, but that didn't matter.

Besides, Liu Qingge had sworn to think and talk before fighting him again.. Yue-shixiong had been very worried that their sparring would get out of hand while he was resting from his battle with the Demon Emperor.

Even if his and Shen Jiu’s baby wasn't human, Shen Jiu clearly valued it more than he had thought the arrogant scholar could value anything but his teacher’s praise.  And their son loved him back.

Just to make sure, he pointed at the cat. “Baby?” he tried.

Shen Jiu stared.  Liu Qinnge couldn’t read his expression.  It looked intense, whatever it was.

(Shen Qingqiu was too scared to start laughing, but he needed to badly enough it felt like needing to vomit.  Wasn’t Liu Qingge going to destroy him, for stringing him along all these months?)

“...Baby,” he finally confirmed.  He waited for Liu Qingge to hit him.  Liu Qingge did not hit him. Finally Shen Jiu straightened his shoulders and broke their gaze.  “Liu Qingge, this is Bastard.  Bastard, this is daddy’s least favorite martial sibling.”

“Hey!”

“What, it’s true.”

He could deal with Shen Jiu's terrible naming sense later. “But we spar all the time.”

Shen Jiu was speechless for a full minute.  Then he screeched “You thought we were friends ?  Because you kept hunting me down and knocking me senseless?  I hated every second of those ‘spars’!”

This was news.  This was terrible news.  Hadn’t Shen Jiu himself sought out and started several of them?  At least the first one…

“You,” Liu Qingge swallowed, choked on his tongue, coughed it out and tried again, “You lasted seven exchanges with me, at the Thousand Swords Tournament.”

There, that should clear things up, right? 

Shen Qingqiu sneered and flushed at the bitter memory.  “So?”

“So you should keep fighting me,” Liu Qingge pursued desperately.

“I don’t WANT to!”

Liu Qingge blinked.  Liu Qingge sat down to cogitate.  Didn’t want to fight?  Was good at fighting, but didn’t want to fight?  

“Oh no.  I made him divide by zero,” Shen Qingqiu murmured, “Thinking, his one weakness.”

“Rude,” Liu Qingge told him, still cogitating.

“You lasted seven exchanges,” he tried again, “I had recently chosen Cheng Luan.  You had an ordinary training sword.  I have trained with a sword since I was four.  Your brother… said that until the age of twelve, you never touched a sword.  Had no swordsmaster.  So… even though you hate swords, even though you are lazy and recalcitrant and rely on dirty tricks to win, you are still a genius.  I want to fight you, to get better.  I want you to fight RIGHT.  Because YOU could be so much better.”

“I hate fighting you and there is no wrong way to WIN .”

They stared at each other a while longer.

“...We will both train our child to fight.”

Shen Jiu held up the cat, in case Liu Qingge had forgotten that their child was a cat.

“Yes.  He is lazy and weak now but he is our child. We will teach him to be a great warrior.”

Nothing was said for several long minutes.

“I must talk to my mother,” Liu Qingge said, getting up.  He bowed, placed the longevity lock on the ground, and stalked away in a swirl of pretty pretty ponytail and silver-embroidered silk.

Shen Jiu sat, dividing by zero.

Bastard chewed his ribbon to spitty shreds.

—

“Disciple Shen.  Why does your cat throw himself under my feet whenever I head for the bath?”

“Oh.  I thought he only did that with me.  He is convinced that they are deadly.  He is trying to keep you from danger.”

The Qing Jing Peak Lord looked the cat over, and smiled.  “Oh.  Does he do so for everyone?”

“I have watched him blithely ignore my peers, only to start screaming and trying to fish me out of the water when I go to bathe.  I, and apparently you, are important to him.  Everyone else can go drown.”

 Her smile grew.  “Increase his fish allowance.”

Chapter Text

Month 1: Liu Qingge to his mother

This filial son lets you know.
The annoying Qing Jing disciple is pregnant.  I cannot fight him for a year. Even more annoying.
How is Mingyan.
I defeated my master in fair combat and was named his successor.  It was a very difficult fight as I had to fight his top half and his bottom half at once and he is already dead so he does not acknowledge mortal blows and he can maintain sword seals with his feet.  For the first half of the fight I led him  around the arena using As The Storm Rages: Defensive Backing Through Multiple Opponents, against his Cat And Dog style which if you have not seen them the Cat pounces and leaps with slashing blows from above, using the Dog as a launching point, and the Dog harries unrelentingly with low upward thrusts.  I was able to slash the ground deeply (Lightning Carves The Field) creating the opening for the second half of the battle.  For the second half I attacked more aggressively and I forced his legs to retreat until they became stuck in the slashes which I collapsed with a kick (Monkey Is Pushed Backwards Into The Well)  after which I was able to subdue and pin his upper half using Clouds Passing to take off his right arm and Icy Rain Sky Seal to run his torso through.  Then I helped dig his legs out, because you taught me to be gracious in victory.  There will be a feast. 
Succession name Qingge

Month 2:  Gu-mei to Fa-jie and Fa-jie to Gu-mei (with interjection by Sha-mei.)

This night flower writes to you
Sitting next to you, I am bored to tears
I wish we could go out and walk, even though we'd freeze our toes off.  Since when are smaller feet a problem for a dancing girl?
What if there's a new novel at the book-seller's?  We won't hear of it until everybody's talking about it, unless A-Jiu is kind and brings us a copy. 
What do you think he's doing now?  Do you think he has a favorite?  I think it's you, because you took in Gege and you're so weird.  Here I am, pouting.  I want a cat to bring me good fortune, too!  All I can do is practice my pipa and my calligraphy.
Write back to me, there's still a lot of paper.

This big sister Sha intercepts
You're sending Fa-jie letters when we're all at the same table. You're both weird.
Young Lord Shen doesn't have favorites like that but you're his favorite little sister because you're bouncy and cheerful and really, really naive. Work hard! Try copying a poem.

This sister Fa replies
   The willow leaf flutters in the rain
   Drops of pure crystal adorn her magnificently
   The next moment, they slide away as tears
Gege is all I have. Lord Rich Britches has taken another concubine who is not me and Prefers Chrysanthemum is going broke.  However, I would not dance better without my toes.  You might be able to get away with it; you play the pipa sitting down. 
If there is a new volume of All Ways Open, A-Jiu will definitely bring it.  He knows you love it. 
You'd better not show him this and tell him it's your calligraphy practice.

Month 3: Shen Jiu to Fa-jie 

This Shen Jiu wants you to know
Bastard screams and hides when he sees birds now. 
The birds were building their nests.
A small kitten wandered bravely off the porch and under the bushes.
He did not have a plan of attack.  He had no concept of consequences.
Things went badly for him.
Regarding your question, I enjoy the company of each of you.  You are kind and insightful.  Gu-mei is cheerful and sweet.  Sha-mei is clever and ruthless.  Yu-jie is elegant and soothing.
I am sorry to hear that your patronage has suffered in the recent economic reshapings. It's not much, but here are a pair of peacock enamel earrings for you, from a friend who is poorer than he'd like; I got them from a young merchant whose business is growing swiftly, and whose wife does not suit his ideal of a tall and willowy build.  I hope you have an opportunity to dance for him soon.
I am making progress in my studies.  You must be applying yourselves diligently to yours.  I will bring you more poetry to memorize when I next visit, but I will also bring novels.
Bastard misses his big brother.  I will visit soon.

Month 4: Gu-mei to Shen Jiu and Shen Jiu to Gu-mei

This little sister wants you to know
We all miss you terribly.  How dare you lie and say you will visit soon!  That lout from Bai Zhan broke our door trying to find you and you weren't even here.  You know you'll burn your brain right out if you study for months without rest!  Come get some sleep.  And bring me novels.  I know the next volume of All Ways Open is out. There's a new series called Thin-Faced Teacher, Student Like A City Wall which you probably won't get for us because it's (oh no) immoral and full of sexy bits but maybe you'd bring us some Distant Vagabonds?  The immorality in that is all violence and corruption, the sexy bits are just implied.
Fa-jie is over the moon for the jewelry merchant you sent her.  He brought her a hairstick covered in enamel flowers and matching earrings, saying they'd sparkle so beautifully when she danced, and then she spent the rest of his visit practically sitting in his lap and didn't dance at all.  But she's danced for him plenty of other times!  Gege got shat on by a cow.
–
That was a conversational transition worthy of Fa-jie! In my defense, I was running out of room on the scroll. I still write too big!  Come correct me!
Gege got pooped on because he escaped! He didn't go very far; he made friends with a couple of oxen who were in charge of a delivery cart parked in front of the restaurant across the street.  The drover was talking to his cousin who works at the restaurant, and all the neighborhood cats came over, because he was carrying vats of live shrimp. The oxen liked the cats. They were sniffing each others' noses, and the cats got all over the wagon.  Well, Gege got behind the oxen, and I was terrified he'd be stepped on, so Door Uncle went to get him - but as he did, one of the oxen lifted its tail and SPLAT.
Gege is small. The poop was large. The result was a cow pie that yelled.
I came over with a basin to wash Gege off.  I forgot he'd never had a bath before. He didn’t understand anything that was happening, so the cow pie was yelling a LOT.  The oxen were worried!  The drover's team and the team that was waiting for them to move and a donkey coming the other way all came over to see.  So Door Uncle had his hands full of yelling poop cat, and his elbows busy with cow faces, and he was laughing almost too hard to stand, and  I was trying to wash Gege with a dipper because he was too scared of being dunked. Then the animals started drinking the water, and they knocked the basin over on Gege.  Door Uncle was laughing so hard he lost hold of Gege, and Gege ran under the porch.  I would have chased him, but the drover said not to bother, that's how cats learn not to stand behind a cow.  then we washed up and had strawberries.

Shen Jiu lets you know
That he nearly choked on his rice gruel when he read your letter, and terrified his older brother, who is still unclear on how pregnancy works. Thank you! He still hovers on the cusp of calling me a liar, but with good doctor Mu's cooperation, he remains at least halfway convinced that I am with child, and I can chase him out simply for upsetting me by existing.  Also, as an expectant mother, I am no longer squashed into the senior male students' dormitory.  I have my own little cabin now.  I am glad that Gege is as much of a blessing to the Warm Red Pavilion as Bastard has been to me.
I regret that my other martial sibling has caused you inconvenience. Yes, he is very loud.  Normally we send him very far away to fight monsters.  I will research more monsters for him to fight.  Farther away.

Month 5: Shen Jiu to Fa-jie and Fa-jie to Shen Jiu

This Shen knocks his head against the ground
You do not need to worry about me.  Yes, I had a slight setback.  No, my life is not in danger. Bastard was instrumental in administering care and fetching aid.
Bastard often knows I am about to deviate before I do.  He will cosy up to me, and try to get me to sit so that he can curl up on me and knead and purr.  It's tremendously soothing.  Last week this was not enough, however, and when I started convulsing and setting the building on fire, he ran to get my teacher, screaming like a fire bell.  I did not know cats could make such a sound.  He has grown so much since I pulled him out from under the porch.  I do not regret it for an instant, no matter how stinky his late-night poops are.  Guan Yin has smiled on me since I took him in.  The Bai Zhan Bearchild harries me no more, and ensures that his minions respect the 'pure quiet' of our peak.
Tell me more of your suitor.  He has good taste in jewelry and women; one may bring him exquisite success and the other ruin.  Has anyone else caught his eye? Do you think you can land him? Be wary of his wife. She's a young bride.

CONVULSING AND SETTING THE BUILDING ON FIRE ?!  A-JIU!
I have made friends with his wife, A-Jiu.  She liked cats, but they didn't like her.  Gege is placid enough that he let her pet him, and I used him to show her how she has to sit STILL and let them come to her.  Very much like men, in fact; chasing you has to be their idea. I don't know if it will go anywhere, but Mama let me out of the house to try, and she's pretty savvy.  I'd say wish me luck, but I think you need it more.

Month 6: Mu Qingfang to Qi Qingqi

Your junior brother Qingfang requests
Can you keep the subject of the bet away from the relevant Peak? He is getting uncomfortably close; he is disturbing the expectant mother and our estimated due date is not for several months. If you manage to find a more productive venture for him, do drop by; I have some new novels to share and some hot tea to spill.

Month 7: Liu Qingge to his mother

Qingge lets you know
Annoying shixiong baby is my fault?  Help.

Month 8: Liu Qingge to his mother

Regarding mother's question
This Qingge doesn’t know.
We did not hug.  I have not seen him naked except one time at a brothel.  Also he is a man?  Mu-shidi says it is possible but he won’t say anything more.  He gave me books about plants.  I do not care about plants. 

Month 9: Liu Qingge to his mother

This filial son knocks his head on the ground.
I am glad you will visit.  I do not know anything about Shen-shixiong’s family.  Bring Mingyan please.  Also a longevity lock.  He should be in confinement now. I hope he is well.

Month 10: Shen Jiu to the Lord of Qing Jing Peak

This errant disciple bows his head
I have not heard any rumors of increased demon activity, unless you mean the idiot patronizing all of the overdramatic theaters, trashy novel publishers, and cheap trinket vendors south of the Luo River.  He was using Huan Hua's money to pay for it all, so that hardly counts as demonic trade, unless they're admitting to something.  That fool's run out of luck, though. His paying companion hasn't been seen in months; got tired of him, I hope.  I have seen some idiots claiming to be merchants, with carts of random goods and no attempt to sell anything but their claims of demon attacks.  
I do hope the Sect Leader isn't promising anything, but of course all hope is foolish.  The rivers and lakes are full of rumors of some big move.  Please keep me apprised, as I will you.
Bastard is putting on weight at last.  I think that the ocean fish agree with his stomach better than carp. Thank you for this extended leave; I will be returning soon.

Month 11: Mu Qingfang to the Lord of Qing Jing Peak, from Mu Qingfang to the Lord of Mang Shi Peak, and from Shen Qinggui to Mu Qingfang

This martial nephew humbly bows his head
Hoping you will listen to this one's sincerity, and consider the wellbeing of your student above all else, your martial nephew dares suggest that a particularly infelicitous choice of character in his new courtesy name is the source of his latest qi deviation.  Perhaps the Peak of Sightless Sight could discern the reason, or at least a more auspicious alternative.


One wishing to remain unknown humbly bows his head
Hoping you will listen to this one's sincerity, this one dares to write.
A doctor humbly recommends that you do not suggest a name that contains the characters Qiu, Jian, Luo, Hai, Tang, Wu, Yan, or Zi.

So I'm Lord Clear Turtle now, am I? You asshole.  I suppose I must thank you.  Come have tea with me and my turtle son next week.

Month 12: Shen Qinggui to the ladies of the Warm Red Pavilion, Shen Qinggui to Gu-mei, Gu-mei to Shen Qinggui

Shen Jiu lets you know
This one has received his courtesy name from his teacher.  Shen Jiu is now known as Shen Qinggui, heir to Qing Jing Peak.  I am recovering from another qi deviation, but will visit soon, possibly with a few of my martial siblings.  I hope that Mama will allow me to take her and all of you on an outing to show my gratitude for your care.  It is almost the New Year, after all.  My Bastard should celebrate it with his family.
Qi-shimei has already invited herself, of course.  I may also invite Mu-shidi, who took excellent care of me during my latest deviation, and even Liu-shidi, who has decided to take responsibility as Bastard's other father.  I will do my best to keep him away from any doors, stairs, and other fragile structures.  
I am also considering asking my oldest brother along.  Our relationship is no longer as strained as it was.  He was recently injured in an intimate part, which led to certain conversations, and I feel he might benefit from the advice of experienced sisters.  He…has been deeply relieved by my developing friendships with the other succeeding disciples.  I did not understand how heavily that weighed on him, or how dissolute and vile he truly thought me.  I would welcome advice from my elders as well.


Jiu lets you know
THIS IS FOR GU-MEI ONLY.  NOT EVEN YOU, MAMA.
I'm sure you're right.  You know your body and the usual symptoms.  Do you want to keep it?  Do you know whose it is?  Would their family welcome you?  If not, I know a few merchants connected to An Ding who could be bribed to take you in.  There are far more I could blackmail, but it occurs to me that blackmail material is not a recommendation for someone's suitability as a family man.
Take care of yourself.  Eat well and don't work too hard.  I look forward to meeting one of my future students.

This night flower knocks her head against the ground
Find me a good solid merchant who is unbeatable in business but endlessly indulgent of his wives and servants, ah?  Ascend quickly!  And bring that useless big brother of yours down here!  We all have a few things to SAY to him!

Chapter Text

“Congratulations, shimei.”

Qi Qingqi jerked around, scarves and skirts whirling.  The newly (re)named Shen Qinggui gazed down at her mockingly from the branch he’d been reclining on.  She had just walked under it without noticing him!  “Tch! What do you want?!”

“Such grace, such beautiful manners.  Truly, the Immortal Fairy Peak lives up to its name.”

“If y-”

“You won.”

It took her a moment, but then glee spread across her face.  “I won?!  This week?! Ahhh, tell me how!  How did he find out?!”

“He pointed at Bastard,” Shen Qinggui lifted that accommodating beast from his chest to demonstrate, “and asked, ‘Baby?’”

Once Qi Qingqi had picked herself up off the path, brushed her dress off, and mopped her eyes, she put out her hand and tilted her head, clearly expecting her winnings.  “Well?”

Shen Qinggui hesitated infinitesimally, but it was enough for her to draw herself up and start to frown terribly.

“Ah, no, no, it’s just that it’s held in escrow down in the town.  Since I don’t have a safe place to secure it on the Peak.”

“What, your master couldn’t - “  Qi Qingqi stopped and considered Shen Qinggui’s master, the current Peak Lord of Qing Jing Peak, and her shameless gambling problem with its sometimes larcenous consequences.  “Ah.  I see.  Well, let’s go.”

“Of course…” Shen Qinggui looked at the sky thoughtfully, booping Bastard’s nose to his own to help him think.  “You might want to change into something more… appropriate to a night on the town.  Meet me just after sunset at the stair-sweeper’s station?”

“Shen. Qing. Gui.  Do you propose to take me to a - a place unsuitable for modest young maidens?”

Shen Qinggui had the audacity to raise one eyebrow at her.  “If you want your winnings, yes.  So it’s a good thing you aren’t one of those, isn’t it?”

“Tch!”

At the stair-sweeper’s hut just after sunset, she swept past him, with her hair up in one long high tail and her magnificent chest magnificently subdued under a deep crimson riding outfit suitable for a noble youth.  She tapped her whip against her jingling boot, and he fell in behind her, hoping that the way he’d twitched hadn’t been obvious.

They made their way down the shadowed steps to the sentry post at the bottom.  Their head disciple tokens would have been enough to get them through after curfew, but Shen Qinggui had been an active head disciple for less than a week, and without thinking headed for the unofficial pass point just out of sight of the sentry post.  He was not surprised that Qi Qingqi knew the path as well as he did, and vaulted the tree that allowed one over the twelve-foot barrier with just as much ease.

“Can’t believe they haven’t fixed that yet,” she muttered, looking at the branch worn shiny with passing feet, “S’been the same place since I joined.”

“If they don’t seal off the obvious weak point, they don’t have to look for the next one students make.  I do think we should change it when we take our positions, though.  Our students can test our sect’s defenses and their budding skills at the same time.”

It was the first thing they’d said to each other since they’d parted that afternoon.  Qi Qingqi looked at him.  He looked back.

“I suppose you are our strategist after all,” she sneered, “Well?”

Shen Qinggui took the lead and steered them to the Warm Red Pavilion.

They went in the front door.  He introduced Qi Qingqi as the winner of their bet.  He didn’t push his luck and introduce her as a ‘friend.’  

She seemed barely affected by the cold, as she stamped the snow off her boots in the entry.  Shen Qinggui tried not to glare enviously; for him, the warmth of the brothel was welcome, and the pink that rushed to his cheeks and nose a blatant sign of his inferior cultivation.

Gu-mei stared, giggled, and showed them to a private room, calling in a few of the others.  They entered in a whirl of silks and instruments, chattering behind their fans.  Bastard hopped out of his sleeve and started patrolling the room, slinking uncomfortably around the edges.  Shen Qinggui kept an eye on him.

“A-Jiu!  It’s been too long!  Are you feeling better - oh! You brought a friend?!”

“Hello Bastard!  How’s my pretty kitty?!  Oh you’ve gotten so BIG!”

“Who is it, who - Oh!  It’s not the pretty boy with the beauty mark!”

“Wouldn’t we have heard the door fall down, if it was?  A-Jiu, you owe us three new doors, two folding screens, and a porch post decoration!”

Shen Qinggui laughed.  “Too bad I can’t afford any of that, meimei.  Well - wait, I might, if you wait a little!  Ahhh, don’t hit me!  I just became head disciple, I keep forgetting I have a stipend now!”

“Haven’t you been storing your ill-gotten wealth with us for the past ten months?  Share some of the bounty!”

Qi Qingqi leaned back against the cushions and let a girl pour her wine, raising her eyebrows at the despised Shen Jiu laughing under a friendly barrage of fans and questions.  

The girls of the Pavilion… didn’t seem mistreated.  There was the demure, artificial conviviality of the public chambers they’d passed through, and then there was the almost sibling-like fondness they turned on her martial brother.  None of them seemed to see him as a threat.  The madam, when she stopped in with a chest full of spirit stones, smiled at him like he was her favorite grandson and told him he wasn’t eating enough.  He endured her cheek-tugging with a pout, not haughty violence, only protesting that he’d brought one of his martial siblings and did she have to embarrass him like that.  She insisted that she did, and swept out, promising to send a meal up that he’d better eat!

“Here’s his brother!” The tall dancer in summer green and coral flew back in with an enormous, muscular gray tom clinging to her front.  When she set him down, he was clearly an adolescent still growing into his long legs, but he seemed almost twice the size of little Bastard.  Bastard tried to make up the difference by setting every hair on end and arching himself like a bow.  He danced on his tippytoes and hissed like a kettle about to boil, while Gege bent his head and tried to give his little brother a friendly sniff.

Bastard swatted him, and fell over.

Gege scuttled under the next chair, a couple steps away, looked back, and flopped down in imitation of Bastard’s ungraceful sprawl.

Bastard looked to Shen Qinggui for reassurance.  Shen Qinggui gave him a foot to cuddle, and Bastard hugged it viciously, glaring out at the room and particularly the other cat.

“Every time,” the woman in pale pink and violet told him indulgently, “Every time you forget who he is, and try to fight him, and then you end up running after him to get him to pay attention to you again.”

“Did I tell you about Gege scaring himself to death with the mirror?  He was stealing hair ties off the dresser again, and finally noticed his reflection…”

“Hey.  Hey, are you the Ghost King?” whispered the girl who’d welcomed them in.  “I’m such a fan!  Of the books, I mean!  We have all four so far.  Do you have an eyepatch?”

Qi Qingqi studied her, and brought out the red-jeweled eyepatch.  “Help me tie it on.”

“Aaaah it’s got butterflies on it!  And little skulls!  Here, let me, let me.”  She tied it on.  “That’s the best costume I’ve seen, even at festivals.”  She looked over at Shen Qinggui, where he was now lounging on the floor trying to coax Gege out from under his chair.  “A-Jiu would make a perfect Prince, don’t you think?”

Qi Qingqi didn’t spit out her wine but it was a near thing.  Trying to imagine bitter, vicious, philandering Shen Qinggui as the almost unbearably sweet Prince, kind to the core, obliviously innocent and chaste - “I really can’t picture it,” she managed.

“Really?  I can!  Help us get him drunk and I’ll show you.”

 The easiest way to get Shen Qinggui drunk was to get him to talk.  The easiest way to get him to talk was to ask for a lesson - or ask about his cat.

“Meditate?  Mostly he sits on his cushion and blinks at me.  Occasionally he tries to play the qin or paint with me.  His calligraphy is atrocious.”  

“Gege ate a bee.  He was walking around with his tongue out for days, it was all swollen!”

“Gege is just the worst at common sense!  The week after you left, he got stuck in the cellar - he tried to walk behind one of the big storage casks, only he got hung up in the middle, between it and the wall.  He was stuck there for at least a day!  We were looking for him everywhere.”

Shen Qinggui considered, his third jar of wine making him slower and mellower.  “Bastard caught and ate a frog the other day.  I’m going to be in debt to the Alchemical Hummock for the next decade.  It was one of their Seven-Spotted Golden Cloud Frogs.  He levitated at about waist level for the next six hours and I had to tow him around on a ribbon.”

Four hours later, Shen Qinggui was pink-nosed and sleepily leaning against the chest of the woman in violet, whom he called Yu-jie, having his hair played with by Gu-mei and Fa-jie.  Bastard had crept up on Gege, bitten him, gotten pinned and washed, swatted Gege until he let him go, and then demanded to be held (and allowed to swat) again.  Gege looked confused.

“He’s so cute.  I love him so much.  He’s just… the best.  He, he sleeps on me.  And he’s warm.” Shen Qinggui wiggled his fingers at his cat.  “And he doesn’t like anyone but me, so he’s just the best .”

Bastard warily grabbed his brother’s face and stuck his tongue in his eye.  Gege didn’t protest as Bastard figured out how to properly wash him.  He seemed to enjoy it.

“I thought for sure Liu-shidi was going to kill me.  But nooope, he’s going to teach our kid to be a warrior.”  He paused.  “How the hell did he end up thinking he was Bastard’s dad, anyhow?”

“That might be our fault…” Yu-jie admitted.

“While you were gone on your mission, he kept coming here to demand answers. He wanted to know who to beat into taking responsibility!”  Gu-mei bounced in her seat, which did her hair-combing no good.

“Ow!  Gu-meiii, don’t tug!”

“Sorry!”

Sha-mei and Yu-jie took up the tale enthusiastically.  

Hilarious at first, Liu Qingge’s disruptive visits had pushed the girls beyond all bearing, until at last Fa-jie had blurted out “It’s your fault!” 

Liu Qingge had been very obviously taken aback, but considered this seriously.  “How?” he’d finally asked.

(Sha-mei, telling the part of Liu Qingge, corrugated her brow and shone with sincerity.  This was a youth intent on diligent research!  Qi Qingqi was dying.)  

The girls had had to come up with something, hadn’t they?  The little pipa-player, Gu-mei, had been the one to cross her arms and pout, “Weren’t you the one who grabbed him when he was nearly naked?  With strong cultivators, sometimes that’s all it takes!”  

All the other girls had hastened to agree.  

“But Shen Jiu is not a strong cultivator,” Liu Qingge had objected.  

“You dare!”  “You dog!”  “Fat lot you know!”  “Are you trying to evade responsibility?” chorused the incensed ladies.  “Your son will grow up with eggshell stuck to him!” And Fa-jie had yelled, “Just because his previous master injured him doesn’t mean he’s weak!  He’ll catch up to you in no time!”  

Liu Qingge had ceased to put up objections and ceased to visit.

“You told him WHAT?” Shen Qinggui asked, face losing all color.

“What?” asked Fa-jie, obliviously taking the wrong tack as usual, “It worked!  He stopped pestering us, and now Bastard has a rich father!  He’ll take care of you both.”

“He can try ,” Shen Jiu growled. He dropped his voice. “Who told you my old master…did anything to me.  I never told you that.”  

“You didn’t have to.  We have eyeballs , A-Jiu.”

Qi Qingqi’s ears twitched.  Her gossip senses were tingling!  She beckoned Fa-jie and Gu-mei over to sit by her.  “What do you know of his old master?”

Gu-mei, who hadn’t been drinking but who by now hero-worshiped Qi Qingqi, sparkled at her.  “He made him eat a bug!  And he has nightmares about him all the time.  It’s really sad.”

Fa-jie, who was at least a little tipsy, leaned her head against Qi Qingqi’s shoulder.  “I think he had a really bad master before he escaped and came here.  He never undresses all the way.  He’s ruthless when he has to bounce someone for us.  And the first thing he taught us to read was our contracts, not poetry.”

Qi Qingqi hummed thoughtfully, and petted Fa-jie’s hair.  “And Yue Qingyuan?  Our eldest martial brother?”

Both girls frowned.  “What a wilted stalk.  So useless.  What good are apologies and trinkets when your martial siblings are out to kill you?  And then he blames our A-Jiu for it!  If he thinks A-Jiu is so awful, why does he keep him at the sect?!”

“I meant their history together…”

“Oh!  He abandoned him!  He said he’d come back to fetch him, and he didn’t!  So, so useless.”

Fa-jie sighed.  “Well, it’s not like none of us have ever believed some young lord who said he’d buy us out of here.  Poor A-Jiu.”

Qi Qingqi made several red-letter, extra-large entries in her mental diary.

 “Well, darlings?  Do you think he’s drunk enough to be a Prince yet?”

“One way to find out!”  Gu-mei hopped up and went out to rummage in another room.  She returned with a pile of white fabric, a shallow basket, and painting supplies.  “A-Jiu!  I’ll grind ink, so won’t you paint us a picture of your friend the Ghost King?”

Shen Qinggui looked confused for a second, then looked over at Qi Qingqi.  “Oh!  Sure…”

“And then we’ll need a picture of the Prince to go with it!  Ghost King, do you paint?”

“I do.  It would give me great pleasure to paint A-Jiu as the Prince.”  Qi Qingqi relished the confused twitch of Shen Qinggui’s face at the familiar endearment in an unfamiliar mouth.

Even drunk, he painted a very good portrait of Qi Qingqi as the legendary Ghost King.  She was just the right mix of arrogant and indulgent, and he caught the obsessive gleam in her eye, like that of a stalking cat.  (Both cats were sacked out under the corner of the couch.  Bastard had Gege’s ear in his mouth.  They made it into the painting.)

Shen Qinggui very cutely would not surrender his inner two layers, not even for the costume, but he let the ladies dress him as though he’d forgotten Qi Qingqi was not one of them.  When they pushed him over to her couch, he curled up against her, sniffed once and wrinkled his nose at her cologne, and went to sleep.

“I can’t paint him with him draped over me!” Qi Qingqi mouthed, maneuvering weimao out of her face.

“Just let us have this,” Yu-jie mouthed back, adjusting Shen Qinggui’s hair.  Fa-jie clasped her hands, Gu-mei bit her own fingers, and Sha-mei nodded complacently.

Qi Qingqi might have gotten a little tipsy herself.  She hadn’t meant to spend the night at a brothel.  It just would have been too cruel to try and wake her little senior martial brother.

In the morning, they found that someone had painted thick worried eyebrows on Gege.  Shen Qinggui couldn’t look him in the face.

They made their way back to the sect in the pre-dawn gloom.  Qi Qingqi sauntered, swinging a small jar of wine and whistling.  Shen Qinggui staggered and shivered, rather pale about the lips.

“Do you actually go there just to adopt kittens?”

Shen Qinggui did not answer.  He had a feeling he should regret last night.  Or a premonition that he certainly would.

-

“ What is that and why is it on my porch.  It isn’t even dawn ,”  Shen Qinggui hissed.

Liu Qingge looked slightly hurt.  “You said our son needed examples of monsters to learn how to hunt.  This is a Porcupine-Bottom-Faced Giant Budgie.  An easy monster.”

His father, who was also there at the unholy hour of barely-lightening sky for some reason , adjusted his glasses, looking extremely pleased.  “They are currently on their spring migration to their breeding grounds on the taiga!  Once there they become extremely defensive and hard to approach, while on migration the greatest danger is their large numbers.  However, if you cut a smaller male out of the group, other males who see him as competition will simply point and la-”

“ Off .”

“The bristles around the beak are actually sensory organs!”

A talisman tapped to Liu Qingge’s shoulder sent him flying into the base of a nearby tree.  He pulled his face out of the splinters and glared at Shen Qinggui.  “Monsters and demons do not use talismans in a fight.”

“But rogue cultivators do.  You lost, get over it.”

“Again.”

“This is a Pineapple Slime.  It does not taste good.”

Bastard had already discovered this, and was backing in circles trying to get away from his own tongue.

“It dissolves things, so hit it fast and try not to get splashed.”

Shen Qinggui grabbed a neutralizing talisman and threw it on the viscous, opaque yellow mess on his porch.  “He is a CAT and does not understand human language!  Is this poisonous?!”

“...”

“...?!”

“...nooo?”

“You should work on your sword more.  You cover your inadequacies well but they are still inadequacies. Solidify them and - “

“What, do I add starch? How do I solidify them, Liu Qingge? How does one solidify sword forms.”

Liu Qingge pulled his sword arm out, knocked his elbow higher, and his shoulder back.  “You work on them.”

“This is a Rainbow-Sided Swamp Rat.  It does not breathe fire and is not fireproof.”

“Myah?”

“Its weak points are pretty much everything.  It’s very squishy.  No armor.”

“Mrep.”

Shen Qinggui sighed and rolled his eyes, and addressed the more discerning of the pair inspecting the bloody multicolored corpse on his porch.  “Don’t listen to him, Bastard.  You are not an indomitable juggernaut.  You would need to ambush it with a flashbang or similar, then take advantage of its temporary sensory debility and its habitat to draw it into a fire trap - damn it, now you have me doing it!”

“Doing what?”

“Talking fight strategy to my cat!  Speaking of which, Bastard, do not try to tackle head-on something which could fit your entire body into its mouth.”

Bastard looked up at Shen Qinggui and continued mauling the Rainbow Rat’s ear.

Liu Qingge frowned.  “...Why not?  Works for me every time.  Sometimes it’s the fastest way to their brain.”

“And what if it’s like you and doesn’t have one ?!”

“Why not.”

“Our objective is to help the villagers.  If you killed it in their water source , they would all get sick.”

Liu Qingge stopped tapping the mission description, struck.  “Oh.  It’s not just about killing the monster.”

“No.  No it’s not.”

He went back to studying it, chewing on his lower lip, brow knitted. “This is why I need you.”

Shen Qinggui abruptly stood up and pretended he needed to stop Bastard from eating a bug.

(Shang Qinghua pretended he didn’t exist.  Why were the scum villain and the ill-fated extra getting along?!  This was the well mission where Liu Qingge was supposed to mistake Shen Qingqiu’s assistance for an attack!  Why was his scum villain a sea turtle?!  Who wrote this, ahhh?!!)

Cicadas screamed at each other in the bamboo.

Yue Qingyuan did not usually look so nonplussed or aghast.  “Shen-shidi? Liu-shidi?  What are you doing ?”

The two looked at each other, swords crossed and Liu Qingge stripped to his trousers, pointing out muscle groups. They looked at Bastard, watching them from the bushes.

“Co-parenting.?”

–

The leaves turned.  The leaves fell.

“This is it!  They’re Ascending,” Qi Qingqi grinned, elbowing Shen Qinggui in the ribs.  He did his best to hide his oof and wince, but Liu Qingge on his other side caught it, steadied him, and glared at her.

“Don’t,” he told her.

“Ooooh, a barking dog!  Ah, this Qi Qingqi swears she has no lascivious intentions towards your babymama.”  She draped herself boobily across Shen Qinggui’s arm anyway and tried to pat his chest. He pushed her hand away with a fan and a frown.

“Dignity,” he growled, in a fair imitation of the Great and Honorable Sect Leader’s intonation.

“You’re not my real-” Qi Qingqi began pertly, interrupted by -

“Indeed,” said the actual Sect Leader, coming up behind them on the porch.  He glanced down at Qi Qingqi.  “Decorum.”

The three succeeding disciples bowed, keeping their eyes on the ground at his feet.  “Zhangmen-shibo.”

He swung past them pendulously.

“I guess it’s not that cold,” Qi Qingqi said, hiding her smirk behind Shen Qinggui’s fan.  He stole her hairpin rather than try to wrestle it back, and they agreed to a trade.

—

Qi Qingqi poked her elder martial brother’s jade-like cheek.  “Danxia.  Daaaanxia.”

“Must you call me that in public.”

“Either you come to the festival with me in costume, or ‘Why are men so pretty when they cry, I just want to step on a big manly man and have him worship me’ is on the next Peak Lord agenda.”

He’d known he was going to regret getting drunk near her.

Chapter Text

A couple of teasers from upcoming scenes.

Qiang Qingdao’s little sister cocked her head skeptically. “You’re the head disciple? But you do nothing but sit around and read!”
Qiang Qingdao pouted and flicked her forehead. “One, rude! Don’t think you can get way with bullying me because you’re my shijie now!”
“No, I get away with bullying you because I’m your meimei, gege.” She reached up and flicked his forehead right back.
He put both hands over his forehead and pouted even harder. “Two, apparently being a lazy literate bum makes me less likely to get eaten. Three, I turn in the paperwork on time, so our fodder comes through from An Ding on time, and everyone else is less likely to get eaten, too.”

Shen Qingqiu made a note in his ’sibling relationship’ file. Apparently, the Qius were an outlier and should not be counted.

...

Yellow slime covered everything, dissolving clothes and body hair while leaving skin freshly exfoliated.

Liu Qingge risked a peek. Was it too soon to start trying for their second kid? He should definitely ask permission, first. And what if Yue Qingyuan… either of them, or both of them? He must be warned.
“Don’t touch anybody,” he told Yue Qingyuan seriously, “You’re the strongest cultivator I know. If anyone could get another man pregnant with a touch, it’s you.”
Shen Qinggui choked.

...

Mu Qingfang overheard the venomous whisper in the dark. “He broke you apart and left you to die. I’m going to punch him in the DICK.”
“Yes, A-Jiu. I have faith in you.”