Archive of Our Own

IT WAS as if someone had flicked on a light switch, your long eyelashes fanning open to uncover widened chocolate eyes. The air around you twisted with a false sense of familiarity, your consciousness frozen in time but active inside your cranial region— you were dreaming. And suddenly each of your senses begin to flicker on, one after another. You could feel the cool evening breeze against your skin, like the faint touches of a ghost that had escaped through the small crack in your open bedroom window. The aftermath of what was once a sizzling rainstorm had mellowed down into soft taps against your tiled roof, the sound of quiet crisp droplets soothing you as if they were prodding against your brain.

You sit curiously upon your unmade bed with your knees folded against your chest, seated above layers of thin baby blue linen sheets. You had been tapping your sock-clad feet against the small single sized mattress, studying Lee Heeseung's dampened back through the sheer white material of his shirt. He appeared to be observing the numerous trinkets and novelties upon your chipped white dresser, rose dipped fingertips dancing across the exposed caverns of your silver plated jewelry box.

Rainwater soaks the tips of his overgrown raven curls, softening his eyelashes as he blinks down before him. He gently picks up a long dainty necklace from your cluttered collection, using his other hand to observe the oval shaped pendant with silver trim that attached securely to its end.

"Be careful," You mumble wearily, examining the tall boy hunched over your dresser, cocking his head to the side to study your piece of jewelry.

"My mom left that necklace for me. So please don’t break it,"

"I won’t," Heeseung responds with a softly hushed voice, whipping his head around to glance at you with dew stained eyes, all hidden underneath webbed black fringe. He turns back around to slowly drape the chain back into the velvet safety of your jewelry box. His ringed fingertips then move to a small porcelain doll that sat neatly against your vanity mirror, followed by the Polaroid photographs of you and your family that adhered to the sleek smudged glass.

"You just have so many interesting things." He finally mumbles, mid concentration.

"Just.. average teenage girl things.." You hum sheepishly as you pluck at the loose thread in the ruffled hem of your sock, your cheeks becoming increasingly flushed.

Your silky hair falls over the slope of your shoulder, and the crisp autumn air leaves goosebumps across your skin.

Jolting out of your bashful trance, a noise conjures up the back of Heeseung’s throat, as if he were suppressing a sudden laugh or gasp. His broad shoulders rise with a heavy inhale and you become immobile with fear.

"What..?" You ask cautiously, unable to elicit any kind of response from the boy as you perk your chin up for a better look, but as soon as you hear the dreaded sound of pages being flipped, your entire body is sent with a wave of adrenaline.

"Heeseung. Give that to me," The skin upon your face immediately drains of pigment as adrenaline courses through your body like a sizzling wire, tipping you to leap from your bed. You had no recollection of placing your diary somewhere where people could find it, but Heeseung discovered it anyhow. But just before your cotton covered feet hit the floor, Heeseung spins around swiftly, leaving you paralyzed with terror.

"Y/N." He looks up at you through his wet eyelashes, a smile slowly curving upon the edges of his mouth.

Oh god.

"I don’t think I can take it any longer," The boy begins to recite the lines scrawled haphazardly on the page. His voice is crisp but timid, like the sensation of the gentle rain on your skin as it transforms into mist.

"…It’s been about two days since I saw him." His eyes are dancing across the paper until they humorously flick up at you, standing at the foot of your bed, taunting you.

And so, out of sheer panic, you make a frantic leap toward the boy, clawing at his arm in hopes to pull your diary from his wicked clutches, but unfortunately for you, he’s quick and tall enough to raise it out of your reach. A coy smile toys across the arches of his mouth as it widens into a laugh, subconsciously quirking an eyebrow at your words.

"…He’s starting to become all I think about."

And of course, height was always Heeseung’s advantage. There he stands with his back toward you once more, shoulders scrunched in secrecy. You mutter a slew of curses under your breath, tiredly sitting on your knees, tears threatening to spill from the edge of your waterline. It was too late.

"… I know my dad tells me I need to focus more on God in order to ‘resist temptations’…" Heeseung continues to read smooth and slow, throwing a glance over his shoulder before he slowly turns to face you again.

"I- I was like fifteen when I wrote this, okay?"

"Ssshhh." Those smug pair of eyebrows and deep set eyes made you want to slap him, but you felt as if any move you attempt to make could cost you any source of dignity you have left. You almost brace yourself for impact, ready for whatever type of verbal humiliation you were going to endure. it was like you were destined to be doomed.

"…But every time I try…" Glossed eyes continue to roam across the contents of your notebook, streaks of trapped rainwater streaming down Heeseung’s temples and over the dips and hollows of his cheekbones. They leave a soft sheen against his face and down his chest, his long frame leaned forward until his palm catches his balance at the foot of your bed. Your heart leaps in the pit of your throat as you watch him make his way onto your mattress, indenting your comforter with your diary held steady in the palm of his hand.

"… The more I seem to realize.."

His voice feathers into your ears as you watch him crawl toward you in agony, resting your palms against the mattress once the tall boy is close enough to shadow over you. He raises the curve of his chin and presses it against your brow, causing you to slump back against the mattress. Now straddling you, Heeseung sits up and silently scans the remaining crumpled pages, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths.

".. That if Heeseung were the devil…" He laughs through his words, dark eyebrows raised and clearly amused. And after lazily tossing your book to the side, he bends down until his face is within inches from yours, his eyes nearly piercing holes into the pit of your skull. He watches you breathe for a moment, his dark eyes tracing the contours of your face. He takes a deep breath and begins to speak in a hushed and overly theatrical tone.

"… Maybe hell wouldn’t be such a punishment.’"

You attempt to speak in the midst of your humiliated laughter, fumbling over your words in attempts to explain yourself, but his parted lips are already on yours, and they’re fast, feverish. You’re almost taken aback in shock as his dampened raven hair tickles your forehead, your lips moving anxiously against his mouth. The heavy breaths emitting from your nostrils collides with his as your noses brush against one another, the rainy aroma of his freshly damp clothes invading your senses.

"I’m never forgiving you for that," You mumble your way through a series of frantic kisses, his thin, white shirt draping from his lean frame and brushing against your skin. "Ever."

"You don’t need to," You hear him whisper in the caverns of your mouth, giving your bottom lip a few good pecks before he drags the tip of his tongue across the swollen skin. He brings the plushness of his lips from your own to the arch of your chin and leans down, giving it a soft push upward with his nose.

"Just keep kissing me," He breathes warmly against your neck, and that’s when you begin to gasp.

Blinking your eyes open, the air is stale and quiet. You sit there for a moment, disoriented and confused, as if someone had just sucked you into a vacuum cleaner and left you rattling against the inside.

"You’re dozing off honey," A hoarse low laugh whispers from beside you, giving your lap a soft pat. Because of the monotonous melody of an old man's voice, you now realize you were sitting beside your father in a row of wooden pews. The tense air surrounding you consisted of a heavy aroma of powder and old book pages, making your nose twitch as you smooth down your silk skirt and pretend as if you weren’t just falling asleep.

While listening to your pastor ramble on and on about the devil's origin for several painfully slow minutes, you come to the conclusion that this must be the reason for your bizarre dreams. Sitting up straight and rolling your delicate aching shoulders back, it takes every fiber of your being to fight the impulse of slipping out of your seat and dozing off into slumber upon the wooden church floor.

[ 8:36 pm ]

"Hey, next time, make sure you’re paying attention in church, okay?" Your father tells you gently upon the leather couch of your dimly lit living room. The soft crackling fire illuminates the small space as you look up sheepishly at the old man, your small shoulders slouched against the faux cushions. You watch with silver painted eyes as he moves across your living room, your fingertips peeling the black lace cardigan back over your shoulder.

"I’m sorry, I haven’t really been sleeping lately…” You hum, your mascara-coated lashes fluttering down to pick at your chipped black fingernails. You suck in a breath as your father passes you a shoebox-sized gift neatly wrapped in tinted forest green paper across your old wooden coffee table. He sighs tiredly from above, adjusting his faded gray tee shirt and sitting beside you, reaching for the lit cigarette perched on the edge of his plastic ash tray.

You stare upon the unopened gift in front of you, imagining how rushed your mother probably had wrapped it before going on with other important things in her new unbothered life. You sigh. You can feel your father nudge your arm from beside you, a soft chuckle escaping his broad lips. He drapes his arm across the arm of his leather couch, flicking the cigarette with his fingertips.

"Well? You just gonna stare at it?"

"I already know what this is. I told her what to get." You say lowly before reaching across the table to set the present upon the surface of your lap, exhaling heavily before peeling off the wrapping paper and crumpling the contents in your palms. You silently place the remnants upon the carpeted floor, peeling open the cardboard flaps before looking down into the pit of the box.

A set of three small and spindly candles upon a wax tray, surrounded by a garden of lavender crushed crystals, all sparkling in different colors as soon as it hits the light. The tray is surprisingly heavy as you slowly pull it out of its cardboard casing. Placing it down upon your dark stained coffee table, you sit back and study the object in front of you. A few moments of silence ensue before you mumble hoarsely.

"Yay. Happy birthday to me."

Your father begins to chuckle, releasing a tired sigh before he slaps his lap and straightens himself from the couch, softly kicking you in the ankle with his foot. "Candles, huh? They’re nice.”

“Yeah… I just thought they looked pretty.” You hum glumly, noticing the weight of your father’s concerned gaze upon your solemn features before he sucks in a a soft breath. “Well. Did you wanna do anything fun tonight? I cant have you going to bed all frown-y.”

"I cant," You mentally wince, long eyelashes flickering solemnly up at your father with a strained glossed smile. You knock the tips of your black sandals together, sweat beading across the expanse of your forehead. "I’m seeing a movie with my friends. If that’s okay."

“No. That’s not okay,” The older man grins sarcastically before nudging you in the shoulder, a curious lilt to his gaze. "What movie?"

"I forgot what it’s called. It’s one of those super hero movies I believe?"

The man suppresses a smile before he scratches at the curve of his chin, softly shaking his head. "You hate super hero movies."

"Well— One of my friends kept telling me how good it was, so I was like hey, I’ll give it a shot." Tired of being interrogated, you shrug and slowly stand to your feet, smoothing out your long silk skirt and hurriedly leaning down to pick up your shiny candles.

"Is it a boy..?" Your dad asks hesitantly, causing you to shoot your glare in his direction. "I know you hate that question Y/N, but a super hero movie? What girl would want to see that? I just want you to be cautious. I know, I know.."

You sigh in an over dramatic manner before brushing past him and jogging up your wooden stairs. "I just turned 18 today, come on."

[ 10:15 pm ]

Loud distorted echoes of electric guitars fill the tense air inside of your best friend Ki’s car as her tracked tires slow against the gravel of the RedRabbit Cafe parking lot, black painted fingernails wrapped curiously around the small silver dial as she softly turns down the volume, taking in the scene before her. You had been lost in some sort of nervous daze upon the flickering sign of the pub, struggling to keep your anxious breaths from becoming audible enough for your friend to ear as she finally turns the engine off with a sigh.

A few seconds of silence ensue before Ki’s raspy voice fills the air, quiet mumbles fluttering from behind her cigarette. “… Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” She asks through the thick blanket of silence, raven painted eyes observing your figure.

You nod almost immediately, reaching down to unbuckle your seatbelt before instinctively holding on to the leather hand bag securely at your hip, a tight lipped smile curving upon your lips. “Yes. I’m sure. Just — just pick me up around 12, okay?”

“Okay. You know, I’m proud of you. But make sure there’s a phone available in case your date turns out to be a creep and you need to call me, okay?” The young girl had leaned her upper body against the wheel to get a better look at you as you shakily climb out of the car, straightening your baggy white washed jeans and nodding a little too- enthusiastically— red lined lips exposing pearly white teeth.

“Of course!” You had mumbled in your overly- saturated- sugary sweet voice before finally closing the car door, Ki’s horrific metal music blasting as soon as the doors had locked back into place. You watch through the evening breeze as the girl’s car pulls out of the lot across the crackling gravel, giving you two friendly honks before she disappears eerily through the feathering swirls of moonlit fog. And as you stood there all by yourself in one of the most active night pubs in town, you couldn’t help but slightly shrivel with guilt— this was absolutely the last place your dad would ever let you come to, let alone all by yourself.

But unfortunately, your father wasn’t the only one oblivious to your little white lies — to say you hadn’t planned this meetup for a while would be nothing short of one. Your date was anything but blind, however, he was also not aware this was a date at all. And if Ki knew just exactly who you were meeting up with at this hour of the night, you weren’t sure if she would ever see you the same way again. You weren’t sure if anyone would ever see you the same way again.

[ 10:35 pm ]

Heeseung arrives at the RedRabbit cafe at 10:30 pm almost every night, and he used to come with his friends before the incident, and now he usually comes by himself. Which is what I prefer anyway, If I plan to make any moves by the end of the night. Im not sure how, but I do know he uses a fake ID to get inside. I’m not quite sure just how I figured out his usual drink either, but now I know he gets the Hennessy White with three cherries on the side. I have to make sure there’s exactly three, or it won’t have the same effect.

“You’re down here by yourself?” A strange man with faded intricate neck tattoos glares down at you from underneath furrowed eyebrows, clouds of his alcohol stained breath fanning across your cheek underneath pulsating synthesized beats that send shoots of pain right to your skull.

“N- no,” You had stuttered out, an arm stretched out across the bar once the bartender finally hands you your custom made drink. Three juicy red cherries sit comfortably upon the rim of your glass— luckily, you knew your way around pubs nowadays. Your mother’s old ID worked everytime, thanks to your uncanny genetics. Unfortunately, that was one of the few things you were grateful for about your mother.

You took this opportunity to slither your way out of yet another uncomfortable conversation with a random man, frantic eyes searching for an empty booth at the back of the cafe. That one corner of the place was slightly dimmer than the rest— as if the employees had stopped making an effort to adjust the light fixtures or the faint tears in the leather seats due to the lack of customers willing to even find a spot so far away.

Heeseung was late. You had glanced up at the slightly crooked clock hung up above one of the restroom doors, a weak sigh spilling from your dried out lips. This was your last resort. You had been furiously scribbling in your diary almost every night for this exact moment, for the day you had finally turned eighteen. Sure, you had tried to get Lee Heeseung’s attention throughout the four years you’ve attended school with him, but the fear of your father finding out was enough for you to steer away from those supposedly mind- soiling ideas. Plus, this senior year was a whole different ballgame for him.

Heeseung had gone under a lot the past two years. Losing his once known popularity had to have hit him hard- let alone the murderous accusations (his ex ‘fling’ somehow never showed up at school ever again after one little night out), that had been mercilessly thrown at him everyday. For some reason, you just couldn’t believe the rumors, the social stigma. You were too infatuated with him to even see past any of that. You felt as if you had known him since you were a freshman in high school, almost growing up with him from afar. He was always soft spoken, but his looks and athletic abilities attracted lots of attention from both ends of the social spectrum. He was kind, funny, and incredibly smart. But that wasn’t the only reason you had grown such a strong connection to him. The one thing that you just couldn’t let go of was his complete aversion toward dating. Yes, dating. You hadn’t seen Heeseung look a girl’s way since the incident, which was two years ago, and oh, you’d know if you’d seen him. The lack of romantic information about Heeseung was what drove you crazy, led you to fantasize about all kinds of things. Sure, you knew how dangerous it was to do so, create a false image of him inside your head. But you just couldn’t get yourself to quit— it was like an addiction.

And if Ki knew you were trying to woo the heart of Lee Heeseung, she’d probably cast some voo- doo spell on you in which you could never speak again, or you could never even breathe the same way— anything to make your life slightly more miserable as a punishment for liking someone so… him.

10:45 pm. He was ten minutes late. Sighing into your propped up palm, you gently take a sip of your strongly scented beverage, immediately wincing once it grazed across your bottom lip. You could almost feel the wafting aroma singing your nose hairs. A few minutes pass by, and you had just begun to pull your diary out from your leather bag when you notice that tall lanky frame slipping through the front door, those thin set headphones hidden underneath layers of fluffy black hair that fanned into a mullet behind the shell of his pierced ears. His doe eyes had flickered frantically across the cafe when he entered, a tired gaze lacing his irises. A thin faded blue sweater adorns his lean frame, fitting his torso snugly as he folds himself onto a barstool, slivers of his abdomen peeking up above baggy denim jeans.

You watch the way his grin widens across from the bar, eyes slowly crinkled shut from laughing at something the bartender had said. He had lowered his headphones against the base of his neck, scuffed converse sneakers tapping curiously against the cafe floor. He had been drumming his ringed fingertips against the counter in a seemingly nervous manner, and suddenly your mustering up all your courage and tilting your head back, swallowing up every remnant of the horrific beverage you wouldn’t even question was gasoline if someone told you. You squeeze your eyes shut as the liquid almost sizzles at the pit of your stomach , swiftly shaking your head at the overwhelming sensation.

You lose your balance for a moment as you straighten from your seat, smoothing down your red turtleneck before approaching the counter where Heeseung had been sitting— his own beverage fitting neatly in the palm of his hand.

“I’d like another please.” You tell the bartender before placing your drink where Heeseung can see, making sure those three plump cherries are still sitting neatly against the rim— a customization that isn’t seen on any other signature beverage.

The bartender hums at your request, your fingertips plucking a cherry off the rim before he takes it completely, a satisfied grin growing upon his lips. “Hennessy White, you said?”

“Yes.” You hum, already feeling the effects of the drink. You suck in a small breath before gasping a little over dramatically, a faint cloudiness forming at your frontal lobe. “Make sure there’s three cherries on the side please.”

You can already sense Heeseung’s tense demeanor at the mention of such a specific addition, his side glances becoming more obvious as minutes tick by. Surprisingly, he doesn’t say anything as you lean over the counter playfully, gently biting your cherry off its stem, shaking the curled black bangs from your eyes. The bartender eventually hands you your second serving before you take it eagerly, tipping your head back and swallowing the whole thing once more in under a minute. The beverage stings the sides of your throat as it travels through your body, your brain pulsating against the shell of your skull as you place it back down firmly upon the counter, this time, catching Heeseung’s attention. He had been tapping his fingertips against his own glass, observing your empty one with a curious raise of his arched eyebrows.

He eventually begins to chuckle, causing your slightly tipsy self to avert your gaze to his side profile, tilting your head to the side before you feel yourself mumble, “What…?”

You’re aware of the overly confident tone of your words, but it seemed you were physically unable to prevent them from tumbling from your lips. You noticed you had caught Heeseung slightly off guard, his eyes darting toward your face for a split second to see if you were actually talking to him. And once he realized you were, a satisfied grin spreads across his lips, dark eyes flickering up at you. “Huh…?”

“What’s… what’s in the bag?” You feel yourself asking as you prop your elbow against the counter, leaning over a little bit closer toward the slouching boy as he follows your faded gaze, eyes casted down upon the small suspicious- looking black backpack that hung across the back of the boy’s sleek wooden chair. He leans away slightly before looking up to watch you suspiciously, tongue prodding against the inside of his cheek with narrowed eyelids. “Stuff.”

“Like what? … Is it illegal?” You begin to laugh, but Heeseung is clearly not amused. He remains stone-faced even as you lean closer toward him, your voice lowering dramatically after sucking in a long painful breath. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Heeseung laughs somewhat awkwardly at your words, softly pushing your shoulder away from his personal bubble, shaking his head in disbelief. His bountiful black curls fall in the dips of his eyes before mumbling, “That’s a pretty big promise to keep, you know...”

His eyes had drifted toward your chest, tracing the shape of the small metal cross necklace lacing across the expanse of your collarbones, half lidded eyes flickering back upward to gaze at you mischievously. “… Church girl.”

“Church girl?” You scoff, straightening your posture against your chair as you stare at the boy in surprise. You adjust your position in your seat before brushing your hair back behind your shoulders flirtatiously, batting your eyelashes down at the boy before tilting your chin upwards, an amused tone lacing your voice. “What makes you think… I go to church?” You knew you were lying— you went to church every Sunday.

Heeseung continues to study you suspiciously, eyebrows furrowed in thought as his eyes scan your figure. “It’s kind of obvious.” He hums slyly before reaching for his drink, taking a long sip as he tilts his head back.

“Well,” You scoff, leaning back against your chair and sighing, warmth gathering at the base of your neck before you continue to speak. “Even if I did… going to church means nothing.”

“I mean, you’re right.” Heeseung says softly after taking a few more sips of his drink, shaking the hair from his eyes and clicking his tongue, licking the remnants of his beverage across his bottom lip. You watch as his tongue slips back into his mouth, jaw setting as he sits back, draping an arm across the back of his chair.

“Sitting in the pews… listening to the pastor talk… doesn’t mean you can’t have other things on your mind…” You manage to mumble out, eyes slowly scanning the boy’s relaxed posture.

“That’s…” Heeseung begins, eyes carefully observing your flirtatious demeanor, watching the way your eyes slowly drift back up to meet his face. “… True.”

“Someone could …someone could be thinking about … sex … murder …”

Heeseung tenses up at your dripping words, eyeing you carefully. It seemed as if he had been sizing you up this entire conversation— not that you were complaining. You were thankful he was even looking in your direction. Until he suddenly breaks into soft fits of laughter, eyebrows furrowing upon his head. “Not you, though.”

“How would you know?” You laugh somewhat awkwardly, aware that you’re previous statement sounded a little morbid. Although, for someone with Heeseung’s reputation, you weren’t quite sure how he would have interpreted it.

“Cause…” Heeseung mumbles timidly, nonchalantly swishing his drink around before he quirks an eyebrow. He speaks into his cup, voice low and almost inaudible underneath the swarming activity of the pub. “You had to have two drinks before you could come up and talk to me.”

You blink somewhat in shock at the boy’s words, your fogged up brain unable to elicit any sort of sly response. Heeseung could tell your loss for words— resulting in a sheepish chuckle before he softly shakes his head, timidly glancing up at you for the first time in several minutes.

“If it makes you feel any better… this isn’t the first time a girl’s done this before,” Heeseung speaks with an awkward half smile, tongue swiping at his bottom lip. Those words, in fact, did not make you feel any better. The pit of your stomach begins to fold into knots, and you weren’t sure if it was the alcohol or an enraging ping of jealousy.

“I just… wouldn’t expect it to be you,” Heeseung finishes with a playful raise of his eyebrows. “Have you ever been out this late?”

The impulse to verbally and aggressively defend yourself was at an all time high as you force out a condescending and mildly intoxicated laugh, quirking an eyebrow to finish off your act. Heeseung blinks back at you before you being speaking.

“Okay, so what. I follow the rules. I go to church. But how would you know anything else about me? We’ve never talked until now…”

Heeseung seems to give you a slightly astounded gaze, attempting to mask it with a swift lick across his bottom lip. He squints his eyes as if to size you up, a faded yet unreadable look glimmering in his deep brown, half- lidded eyes. He looked as if he were mentally conjuring up a clever response.

“Hm… I’m right though, aren’t I?” Heeseung hums lowly, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. You watch as Heeseung's soft lips curl into a sheepish laugh that contrasted with his demeanor, your brain still struggling to process his words.. Did Heeseung know more about you then you thought?

“So.. so what if I did want to talk to you? Is that a crime?” You swallow confidently, as if doing so could help ram down your uneasy nerves. You raise your eyebrows with amusement before leaning back in your chair, attempting to mask the faint ripples of anxiety traveling across your spine. “Am I not allowed?”

Heeseung’s eyes squint as if he were grinning, but the corner of his mouth only twitches before his eyes shift around the dimly lit pub. He attempts to hide the grin adorning his features before his eyebrows furrow.

“You’re not scared someone’s gonna see you?” You could tell by the way it took him a few seconds to blink that he was slightly tipsy.

“Why would I be scared?” You ramble nervously as you pretend to look around the pub yourself, eyes glossing over blurred outlines of heads that shifted around you. Heeseung watches you before he begins to snicker, looking down into the remnants of his cup before clicking his teeth.

“That’s a good one.”

“I mean, they’re just rumors, aren’t they? I couldn’t care less what other people have to say.” Heeseung's focused gaze is elsewhere as you softly speak, his dark eyes roaming the inside of his almost empty glass. He begins to grin again, chest rising with a deep inhale.

“Okay. Is it a date you want? Some spark of attention, or…?” You hazily watch as Heeseung finally turns in his seat to look you in the eyes, casually leaning an elbow against the counter as he studies you, somehow perplexed.

Your brain continues to chain inside your skull as you chew on the chapped skin of your bottom lip, feeling an anxious pull on your bones. “I mean… When was the last time you went on a date?”

It looked as if a light bulb ticked on inside his head as he sighs longingly, a satisfied grin growing across his mouth that revealed his white set of teeth. It was odd to you— how full of himself he was despite having almost no social life anymore. Who was he trying to impress these days?

“There it is. The winning question,” He begins coyly, subtly flashing an eye roll that you almost didn’t catch. “Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you the last time. Nor the girl who was there. And I’d like to keep it that way.”

You sit there, processing Heeseung’s words yet again and you suck in a long breath, your body still as you speak hoarsely. “May I ask why?”

“No. But a pretty girl like you needs to find a nice responsible young man, anyway.” You blink your mascara coated eyelashes, slightly taken aback as Heeseung casually slinks out of the comfort of his barstool and flings his backpack over the broad curve of his shoulder, neatly placing his wired headphones back into his forest of curls. You realize that he is preparing to leave, and suddenly your heart rate accelerates in panic. Not yet.

"But... but…”

"Could you... could you get her a glass of water, please?" Heeseung softly asks as he leans over the counter to catch the bartender's attention, his eyebrows raising at the boy's sheepish request.

"Heeseung. wait.." You plead, your heart rate throbbing against the inside of your skull at the thought of losing him. He didn't seem to hear you as he slowly disappeared into the crowd like a shadow behind a wall, your eyes frantically skimming over the endless trails of heads that slip past your vision. You ignore the glass of water that now sat in front of you before pushing yourself through the cafe, anxious sweat beading across the expanse of your forehead.

In a rush of adrenaline, you make a run back to your desolated booth and secretly pull out the tattered diary from the comfort of your bag, hastily flipping to the page where you had mercilessly scribbled your number and tear it from its spine, watching the door and thus flipping it closed, all the while making a run toward the boy who was slowly making his way toward the exit.

As you file through small crowds of random people, you finally pull on the boy’s backpack strap, causing him to turn around and eye you suspiciously.

“This is just in case you change your mind…” You speak up, bringing the folded paper toward the boy’s chest and he grabs it before it can fall from your sweaty clutches. You shuffle back through the pub before you can see Heeseung’s reaction, adrenaline pumping through your veins as you head back. There are emotions swirling inside your brain that you can't completely pinpoint while you dizzily slip inside your booth. There are regrets, of course, but alas, you couldn’t turn back time. What a pity.

You sit there for a few moments, catching your breath and checking your pulse. Hopefully you wouldn’t have a heart attack right here in the corner the pub, where no one would most likely notice. You’re about to fold your diary closed when you notice something that makes your heart drop all the way down to your large intestine. The note with your scribbled number was still safely in the comfort of your diary. Your entry from tonight, however, was not.

[ a week later; monday, 8:30 am ]

You emerge into your first period classroom to find Ki and your other friend Hani crouched down in their desks to talk quietly among themselves, pretending not to hear them gossiping about you as you neatly set your books down on your desk. You had tried to act as normal as possible this morning, considering the horrible aftermath of last week’s events. After realizing you had accidentally ripped out the entry that basically revealed your completely stalker- ish plans with Heeseung to his face in the midst of an anxious rampage, the boy avoided you like the plague.

It wasn’t like he didn’t acknowledge you before. But you could feel it. You’d usually walk past him on your way from math class- but now, he’s never there, as if he found a whole new route that didn’t involve you in his way. Everytime you spotted him, he was either walking away or completely ignoring your existence. It demolished every part of your dignity, and the last bit of sanity you had left. It was hard to sleep, knowing you’ve scared away the only boy that scared everyone else.

And of course, you never told anyone about your ‘blind date’— not even Ki. You had only told her it didn’t go well after having trouble suppressing your negative emotions- she’d eventually become curious. And you weren’t lying, either. It went absolutely horrible.

“This is what happens when you don’t drink with us,” Hani mumbles quietly from behind you as you tiredly plop down in your seat. You hear the small boy quietly tsk from his place at his desk.

“Yeah, you should’ve came last night.” Ki adds, dragging out the last syllable of her sentence. In a weak attempt to cheer you up, your two closest friends encouraged you to sleep over at Ki’s apartment and drink to forget about the ‘painful memories of your failed first date,’ but you were even ashamed of being around your own friends. Who would want to be friends with a delusional crazy person? Not you.

A brisk shoe kicks your chair leg and you fumble from your slouched position, gritting your teeth.

“What?” You seethe hastily, not turning around.

“Halloween finally came out on VHS so we’re watching it at Hani’s tonight. Come with us.”

A long sigh drags from your parted lips, tapping your pencil monotonously across the cracked wooden surface of your desk. A few seconds of silence ensue before the two losers begin drumming across their desks with their fists, whisper- chanting, “Come with us. Come with us.”

“No,” You whisper in an agitated tone, turning your head over your shoulder. “I’m gonna be busy.”

“Busy doing what..?” Hani asks with a curious lilt to his voice. His slanted eyes widen as he watches you curious intent.

“Homework,” You lie, smoothly turning back around against the plastic side of your chair to hide the deceit evident upon your pale features. You adjust the poofy sleeves of your cotton pullover and suppress a glossed grin, shifting your focus back upon the trance- inducing tapping of your pencil.

You weren’t lying either about homework. But, it wasn’t exactly for educational purposes.
.

[ 3̸̨̛͉̻̺͆͋̽̕͜͝͠:̵͍̥͍͔͓̙͋̏ͅ3̵̨͚̮̦̜̤̳͙͓̹͆̈̃̄̒̓͂̂͋̀͌̈́ͅ0̴̨̨̛̯̗͈̝̖̲̗͚̱̆͒̋̽̌̏̑̈̐̐͛̿̉̓̅́͜ am ]

Softly blinking your weary eyes open, clouds of dispersion blanket your vision like snowfall. You feel as if you had just been drugged— you had no sense of where you were or what exactly was happening as time move continuously around you. Your senses slowly kicked in and you realized your body sprawled out against something soft and cushion-y like the familiar warmth of your beloved bed. The cool dry air however, nipped at the surface of your bare skin and left a shiver to slink up your spine. There was no comforter, like it had been thrown onto the floor or deserted somewhere. Your bedroom was also a hazy blanket of darkness- the only thing that illuminated the small space was your set of lavender crystal candles that sat neatly on your cluttered wooden desk. Their flames however, were abnormally long and distorted, as if you were looking through elongated lenses.

Dryness singed your tongue as if sand could come pouring out any minute, an intense desperation for thirst washing over you. It overwhelms your senses as you clutch at your throat, attempting to swallow but your muscles refuse to cooperate.

A sudden wrap upon your frosted glass window ripples across the room like a lightning strike, causing your bones to rattle vigorously inside your body. Your eyes widen as the cracked wooden edge slowly begins to open, as if someone from the outside were pushing it upward, letting it creak with every movement. You freeze in horror once the window eventually halts to a dreaded stop. Eventually, a lanky figure slowly climbs into the dark room, his long limbs shadow- like until they hit the faint candlelight. You immediately recognize Heeseung’s proportions as he elongates his spine and rolls his shoulders back in swift dreaded circles.

The candles seem burn brighter the closer he silently slinks toward you. His lowly unbuttoned shirt reigns familiar as it cascades across glistening skin, sounds of his boots creaking against the hardwood.

“Heeseung?” You harshly whisper, but it only comes out as a weak crackle, imitating the echoes of a fire. The boy grins at your struggle to speak, teeth visible even in the thick darkness. He leans down beside the bed until you’re face to face with him, red wavering lines of glistening blood streaming down the curving sides of his face and matting various curls upon his head.

“You’re doing what I told you not to do…” He whispers, his eyebrows furrowed longingly upon his pale flawless face.

“What… what do you mean…?” You mumble fearfully as his long hand reaches out to slowly and cautiously drag his fingertips down the column of your throat. You struggle to keep your breaths steady as his fingertips sweep across your skin to eventually stop and slither around your throat, causing your eyes to pop out of your head.

His cool fingers tighten their grip menacingly around the sides of your neck until you can barely take a breath, your hands flying up to the boy’s bony wrists in a hasty reflex and struggle for survival. You cough in short desperate spurts as he stares hollowly into your panic- stricken face, thus dropping his head and crushing his blood stained mouth on yours.

The faint taste of metal lingers on your tongue as you gasp for air, sitting up in your bed and tiredly blinded by the sunlight sifting through your curtains. You wince at the sudden exposure to sunlight, pain throbbing against the insides of your skull. Naturally, memories of your twisted dream begin clouding your mind as you’re brought back into reality. You felt as if it were logical to look back and shiver at such an unpleasant dream- but knowing what you did the night before, caused you to smile grimly instead.

You look back across the burnt tips of the shimmering candles laid out upon your desk and realize why you even had the dream in the first place. You see the (stolen) open pages of Ki’s book of spells and witchcraft laid lazily beside it, drops of blood dotting and staining the corner. The events from last night suddenly hit you and it gnaws at the pit of your stomach. You were embarrassed, ashamed that Heeseung would never look your way again. And maybe something went wrong inside your brain and overtook your emotions as you contemplated your sense of self and decided to do a very dangerous thing-- cast a love spell. One that could influence a desired person's emotions and feelings to where they are drawn to you, and their bond with you will never break. Was it insecurity that destroyed you to the point of going this far? You didn’t know. Whatever it was, what you did last night should not be discussed with any other human being, especially your father. Luckily, there was no school today, so you were lucky enough to sleep in, but not late enough to miss your father going to work.

You frantically climb out of bed and run toward your dresser as you recollect just what your father was capable of, closing the journal with a harsh thud when a soft click of your door causes you to freeze in panic.

Your father’s head peeks open before he opens the door completely, careful tired eyes glancing around the room until your eyes meet. You struggle to maintain eye contact as you pretend to stretch, subtly pushing the spell book behind your candle set.

“Morning,” You hum as your dad watches you carefully, gently holding out a small blue pamphlet that read, Highlights of the Bible: High School Edition.

“Guess what day it is?”

You scream with unrelinquished fury inside your body.

[ 2:55 pm ]

“I may be free on Saturday, we can arrange something then!” Two ear- splittingly chipper voices twiddle their way into your ears from behind you as you make a beeline toward the front door of the small cafe. You and about five other girls had been there for an hour, discussing important aspects from the Bible over stale cups of coffee and horribly overplayed pop music. It was days like these that you dreaded the most, but alas, even after being brought into adulthood, your father still made you go.

The cafe sat along the edge of a done- up and over polished strip mall that ran a few miles along the busy street of downtown, cars buzzing left and right past your pierced ears.

“So who needs a ride?” One taller girl says as your group collectively stops in front of a small pop culture store. The girl, Deji, looks amongst the group with her too- tight ponytail as hands begin to raise left and right. You were about to raise your hand when you notice a tall boy standing on the other side of the large plexi glass, stationed in front of the magazine isle. You’d see a lot of familiar faces when you came here with your friends. Everyone your age loved to see what was up with media and music these days, and stores like these were always buzzing with attention. So it wasn’t a complete surprise that he was here on a off- school day.

“Y/N? Do you need a ride?” Deji asks brightly after a few more moments of silence ensue. You softly shake your head no as you continue to stare, your dark brown eyes lost in some sort of daze, already imagining the signature distasteful expression that permeated Deji’s face at all times.

“Okay. We’ll see you guys next Tuesday.”

You were silent inside the quiet store as a SoBangCha song played faintly from the speakers. You whizzed past isles of graphic novels and large sleek vinyls before approaching the very last section that panned out across the back brick wall.

A few people littered the magazine section as you slowly approached, flitters of cigarette smoke feathering in the air around you. You notice the tallest boy with headphones hidden in his bountiful curls, lean frame observing the more.. risqué side of the chipped shelves. It was odd seeing him there, considering his lack of female attention. He seems to be eyeing each magazine cover carefully, hands dug into his oversized denim pockets. His high collared black sweater hung tightly to his broad frame, revealing that same sliver of abdomen that you can’t help but notice every time.

He was subtly bobbing his head to the music playing from the Walkman latched at his hip, which made you wonder what he liked to listen to these days. You gently walked up to him with the pads of your sleek black sandals, now aware that he couldn’t hear you approach, and with that information, you stand a few feet beside him and pretend to look busy.

You quietly reach out to grab a random magazine with a middle aged woman wearing a workout leotard on the cover, catching Heeseung’s line of sight. You pretend to flip it open casually when you notice his concerned stare and look up to meet his widened chocolate eyes.

You were surprised he didn’t run away and scream bloody murder all the way out the door, and instead he blinked those doe eyes at you and slowly lowered his headphones with careful bejeweled hands, red tints dotting the surface of his porcelain cheeks. You realized he was probably blushing at the fact he was caught looking at half naked women, which makes you suppress a grin.

“You didn’t follow me here, did you…?” He hums lowly and hesitantly, eyeing you suspiciously which only makes you chuckle out of embarrassment.

“No. I was… with.. a group of friends down the street and we passed by here.” You nervously mumble, not wanting to reveal the embarrassing fact that you were at a Bible study. Heeseung only nods thoughtfully in response, pursing his lips into a soft line before his eyes drift back toward the magazines.

“I thought you weren’t into the whole love and girls scene.” You try to steer the awkward conversation somewhere else and laugh tauntingly, causing Heeseung to narrow his eyes at you once more, a defensive scoff leaving his lips.

“Looking at attractive women and dating isn’t the same thing.” He rambles in defense, but you notice by the way his voice cracks mid sentence that he was a little flustered. “But it’s not for me, anyway. It’s for someone else.” The rasp of his voice drifts off into a whisper before you try to hide another chuckle, drumming your painted fingernails against the magazine in your hands.

“Okay, okay.” You sigh, trying to come up with something to say to fill the silence.

“I’m sorry. By the way. About the… about the note thing.” You sheepishly reach up and scratch the nape of your neck before warmth blossoms at the pit of your stomach and spreads to the skin of your face, the mention of said note making you want to hurl all over this magazine section.

You can tell by the way Heeseung tightly inhales that he was struggling to hold in his amusement, teeth gnawing at his plush bottom lip. He raises his dark eyebrows and refuses to look at you, red hues blooming at the tips of his pierced ears.

“I mean, it’s a little freaky.“ He answers lowly, scratching at the line of his jaw and you can tell by his uncomfortable chuckle that the tension had thickened at the mention of your creepy letter.

“I know! I know, but I only wrote it as a plan, I promise! I just wanted… to… try to score a date with you. I’m not like.. a crazy stalker or anything.” You weakly attempt to defend yourself in a fit of flustered rambles, but it only made you feel more guilty and panicked. You tried to keep your voice low in case anyone around you could hear your pathetic reasoning. “I understand if you never want to see my face again, or if you even file a restraining order, I dunno if you can do that but”—

“I’m not gonna file a damn restraining order,” Heeseung laughs as you frantically speak, pressing his fingertips between his furrowed eyebrows. His lips curl upward as he speaks, softly shaking his head before he lets his arms drop against his side, stuffing his hand in his pocket. “You’re just a little crazy. It’s okay. And I mean, if you’re telling the truth, then I guess I can let it slide— Oh! I didn’t know she modeled for them..”

The lanky boy crouches down to observe a girl posing in a skimpy tube top behind the plastic cover of another magazine, his bejeweled hand reaching out to look at it. You watch in disbelief as he stays crouched and flips the booklet to the back and then to the cover once more, staring at it for a few seconds.

“You kinda look like her,” He snorts lowly, running a hand over the cover to smooth out the transparent film, his fingers curling around the cover. “This would be you if you ditched the whole church girl act.”

“Please,” You scoff, sweat slicking the surface of your forehead as you awkwardly lower your upper half to get a better look at the model he was referring to. You process the word act inside your head and it bounces across the walls of your skull as you attempt to decipher what he meant.

“Wait… act? You think it’s an act?” You furrow your thinly arched eyebrows at the black curls adorning the top of the boy’s head. You stare at the boy’s silent stance before he speaks up again, picking at the cuticles of his fingernails.

“Well — kinda.”

“What makes you think that?” You watch as Heeseung slowly stands up and straightens his lengthy spine, a sort of motion that reminded you of the strange dream you had the night before. He holds the magazine safely against the expanse of his chest as he tongues the inside of his cheek, an awkward lilt to his gaze.

“I’m not gonna lie,” He begins, a sly grin curling at the edge of his lip. “I saw you and those girls outside the cafe with your little… Bible booklets.” Breathy laughter weaves in and out of his words.

Out of embarrassment, you slap the boy in the arm. “They’re pamphlets.”

“Okay. Pamphlets. And you looked so bored. Also.. um you said it yourself.” The boy tilts his head at you in faint confusion, shaking the curls from his glistening eyes.

“Me? When?” Your eyebrows furrow as you wrack your brain in attempts to remember, but once you can vaguely grasp the familiar memory, Heeseung’s low voice rings out once more.

“You don’t remember, huh?” Heeseung narrows his eyes at you in thought, drumming his fingertips across the surface of his plastic wrapped magazine. “Guess it was just the alcohol talking.”

At the mention of alcohol, the events at the night at the pub suddenly flicker inside your head like a light bulb finally turning on… it reverted you back to the thoughts you’d have while sitting in church. It made you wince at the memory, hues of reds blooming across your cheeks.

“Nevermind. I remember now. God, why did I say that? I really thought I was doing something.” You can only laugh sheepishly at yourself, opening your magazine to hide your heating face between the sleek pages.

“Thought you could seduce me that easily, I guess.” You could feel the smugness oozing from Heeseung’s tone before you groan in embarassment once more, dropping the magazine to look the boy in his arrogant eyes, observing the way his eyebrows are high upon his head.

“But hey, you’ll get better with time. Maybe you should’ve worn one of these and I probably would’ve considered it..” The boy casually teases, tapping his ringed finger against the model upon the cover before you roll your eyes, lazily placing your own magazine back upon the shelf.

“So that’s all it takes? A little cleavage?” You tease back, furrowing your thin eyebrows. “If I would’ve known that, I wouldn’t have completely embarrassed myself in all aspects of life.”

“You… don’t need to do any of that. Go find yourself a nice respectful man. Please.” Heeseung laughs as he eventually pivots on the heel of his high top sneaker, but you don’t seem amused.

“What if I don’t want a nice and respectful man?” You reply with a low tone of voice, slowly dragging behind him until you eventually wander off a few feet beside him, eyes trailing up and down the various shelves of vinyl records.

“You don’t want this. Trust me. I get… I’m not— Listen. It just won’t end well for you.”

You can hear Heeseung’s soft voice from the isle beside you, averting your gaze from the vinyls to the soft dips and curves of his side profile. His eyebrows tightly furrow as he looks upon the shelves around him, lush lips pressed into a thin line.

The image of his blood stained face flashes in your mind and causes you to lose focus, squeezing your eyes shut. You deeply inhale at the soft silence enveloping the two of you as faint music continues to pump in your ears. You couldn’t tell if the conversation ended well or negatively. It made your head spin. As you continue to pretend to stare ahead, you suddenly realize that you should have been home by now.

“Dammit,” You curse to yourself, eyes drifting toward the wall length windows that revealed the busy street out in front of you. You watch cars roll by underneath the trickling sun as you attempt to think of a way to head home. Should you find a phone nearby? Call a taxi? Walk?

You quickly make your way out of the store nevertheless, frantically searching your denim pockets for any spare change as you make your way to the nearest phone booth. One sat just at the edge of the long street, and as far as you knew, there was no change left in your pocket. Sighing defeatedly, you hear the store door swing open, and low and behold, Heeseung saunters out with his one measly plastic bag, softly swinging it as he walked.

You watched as he wandered off to his car, darting his head over his shoulder before he notices you hesitantly approaching. He stops to watch you curiously, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. He continues to watch as you stand there awkwardly a few feet away, a nervous laugh falling from your lips. “Hey…”

“Hi.” Heeseung sighs, impatiently removing one side of his headphones behind his ear, dipping his head softly to hear what you have to say.

“Um… I kinda need a ride.”

“Of course you do.”

After a long discussion and overview of everything in Heeseung’s pockets and a clear presentation of your self- defense pocket knife to ensure that this boy wasn’t in fact crazy, It took a few moments for Heeseung to finally clean up his things in the front seat. Cursing softly to himself, he struggled to fit his curving frame into the open side of the car as he tossed random items into the back. He notices the black backpack on the floor and pauses, eyeing you over his shoulder before he discreetly deposits it to the back. He finally finishes, dusting off his jeans before stepping back to allow you in the passenger side. Once you fold your legs onto the plush leather, he plops his bag onto your lap and shuts the door.

Soft unfamiliar music plays through the radio as you ride quietly in the boy’s small compact car, the smell of cigarette smoke from Heeseung’s side feathering into your nostrils as you stare down into the magazine before you. You were oddly fascinated by whatever strange media this brand was advertising, the fresh smell of vinyl pages filling the air.

“So… do you own a lot of these?” You ask softly against the quiet still air, looking up to gaze at the boy’s thoughtful side profile.

“Uh,” The edges of Heeseung’s mouth curls sheepishly, his eyes focused on the road as he makes a left turn, shaking the curls from his eyes. “Depends on the answer you want.”

“I don’t think I want to know, anymore,” You grimace, eyes casted down onto the front cover once more. As you sit there staring, your mind swirls with thoughts. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Sure.”

“So… you’d rather collect magazines about women like this than go out and date one…?”

Heeseung’s chest rises with a tense inhale, leaning his head against the leather headrest as he slowly halts to a stop at a glowing red light. The late afternoon sun illuminated across his soft features as his eyebrows pull into a tightened furrow. His head rolls to the side to study your curious demeanor, eyelids squinting.

“She’d never let me down. Look at her.” His eyes shift down to your lap as you snort with amusement, tickled at the sight of his serious expression. His eyes flicker up your frame to watch you laugh, one curling at the side of his lip.

“That’s so sad. You know fantasizing isn’t good in the long run,” You say, your breath quickening at the weight of the boy’s thoughtful stare. He chews on the plush surface of his lip before his eyes light up with amused interest. The light finally turns a bright green and he whips his head back to face the road.

“I don’t really care. It’s fun. Plus how would you know?”

Images of Heeseung’s dream- like face flash in your mind like a montage of memories and visions, the burning feeling of his lips on yours, his hands on your skin. Everything you knew wasn’t real, but felt so real in the moment. It was almost embarrassing to think about in front of him, like he could read your mind.

“Wait, never mind. You probably do a lot of it, huh?” The boy snickers from beside you, hands tightened around the wheel. Your palms begin to collect with moisture as you nervously pick at the cross emblem attached to your necklace, guilt forming at the pit of your stomach.

“Well— well who doesn’t?”

“I mean, I guess you’re right. This your street?” The boy tips his head as he flicks his turn signal on, his attention successfully diverted. You nod as he slowly turns into your neighbourhood with asphalt crinkling underneath his tires, silence enveloping the car once more. As he begins to near your house, your eye’s involuntarily shift to your driveway to see if your dad was finally home from work. He in fact was, but that’s not what caught your attention. Instead, another vehicle parked beside the mailbox.

“Ki…? What’s she doing here?” You mumble in panic as Heeseung slows, not sure what to do as he watches your house, leaning his head to get a better look.

“What now?”

“Don’t pull in. Please, hurry, go fast.” Panic beings to settle at the realization that maybe Ki was in fact waiting for you to arrive, so who was to say she wasn’t looking for your car? And to see Heeseung’s instead? And him the driver seat? That would surely send you to the hospital. The boy flips his hands outward upon the steering wheel in a helpless expression of concern, his eyebrows furrowing. “Um… what do you want me to do?”

“Just— just, pull up to the cul-de-sac and park far way. I can walk a few blocks.”

“Sure.”

It’s a little awkward as the boy continues to drive, your back against the leather seat as you press your fingers to the line between your eyebrows, a large exhale leaving your lips. You nervously continue to fidget with your silver engrained necklace as it practically feels nearly ten pounds against your chest, preventing you from steadying your breathing patterns.

“Ugh, what could they want? Is it cause I’m late? Where’s my— where’s my pamphlet?” You begin to frantically pat your denim clad legs and around the edge of your seat, your hands shaking as you run your palms across the smooth leather.

“Damn,” The boy laughs as he watches you unravel before him, clearly amused. “Think God’s gonna banish you to hell if you don’t have your little brochure?”

“I dunno about God, but my dad will. Fuck, if he saw you”—

“Watch your mouth, the Lord can hear you.”

“Shut up,” You retort sharply as Heeseung very slowly inches across the road, an elbow leaned casually upon his armrest. You notice from the corner of your blurring vision that he was eyeing something on you, his gaze carefully following your movements.

You pause, leaning back in your seat as you casually fan yourself, furrowing your eyebrows up at the boy. “What are you looking at?”

“What if you took that off?”

“What..?” You ask in a helpless state of confusion.

“Your— your necklace.”

“It’s gonna look weird, but don’t move,” The boy says lowly before he reaches back and pushes on your shoulder, causing you to lean forward in your seat. He gently pulls the chain of your necklace closer to him, fidgeting with the latch until it clicks off. The chain then swishes freely until he swings into his other free hand. You watch in silence, hearing the faint clicking of your jewelry and it’s almost like you can breathe again. The absence of the necklace upon your sternum was an odd and unfamiliar feeling.

“Feel better, don’t you? And if it is just an act… try not wearing it for a few days and see what happens.”

“I… I don’t know,” You breathe shakily, watching as he casually slips your necklace into his jean pocket and lifts his sneaker off the break to continue driving at a somewhat faster pace.

“You’ll feel better. I can already see it in your face. This thing is like a constant stressor.”

For some reason, an unfamiliar pit of guilt and shame washes over you and twists inside your stomach, churning it’s cloud in thick motions until it eventually turns into something else. Something you can’t quite interpret. And when your eyes flicker to Heeseung, his eyes are already on you. They’re somewhere on your body- it was hard to tell until his eyes flicker up to your face and he begins to speak carefully. “This is your stop.”

You didn’t realize the vehicle had stopped a few blocks from your house until Heeseung’s voice rung out, snapping you from your trance. The longing feeling of asking for your necklace back gnawed at the pit your stomach as your jelly- like limbs climbed out of the car, but not a word was said as you slammed the door shut. You watch his car travel across the asphalt and out onto the main road before disappearing from your vision.

[ 4:02 pm ]

“Thank you, I made it myself out of stones in my backyard.” Ki and your dad’s low voice dreadfully echo from the comfort of your kitchen as you hesitantly step inside the door, careful to make your footsteps quiet. You try to make a run for it and slink yourself up the wooden steps, but Ki’s long black hair swishes back behind her as she throws her head over her shoulders, catching you in the act.

“There she is.”

“Finally.”

Your dad quickly steps out of the tiled kitchen as you monotonously stand at the foot of said stairs, expression still as his baritone voice floods your eardrums.

“So, you gonna tell me where you were? Cause I’m pretty sure the study ends at three.” Your father stands casually at the doorway of the kitchen, a hand shoved in the caverns of his pocket before he impatiently lifts up his wrist to check his gold lined watch.

“It’s… four now.” He adds as he attempts to size you up, but you on the other hand, were not in the mood to argue. However, you prayed that he wasn’t able to notice the lack of your cherished necklace.

“I just visited a store after,” You say, turning to the side to distract the man from anything that could give you away. You reach up to pick at your gold earring, swallowing the dry lump in your throat. “And Deji dropped me off…”

“She called me. Said you told her you didn’t need a ride. So you can cut the act. Who dropped you off?”

You were distracted by the off putting gaze Ki was giving you behind your father’s shoulder, like she could see right through you. She looks slightly unsettling from where you stood, like an apparition that wasn’t supposed to be there. And if you lied and said Hani, Ki would definitely know you were lying. She always knew what that boy was doing.

“I called a taxi.” You say thickly, giving your father no time to reply as you dashed up the stairs in a anxious frenzy, ignoring the angry and overprotective shouting that echoes against the walls and followed your every footstep. You squeeze your eyes shut and slink inside your room, safely locking the door behind you. You inhale deeply to steady your panicked breathing, but it was no use. The leather bound cover of Ki’s spellbook almost called to you from the corner of your desk, which Ki was probably there to ask about. Your lungs tighten as you dash toward the book, grabbing it and sliding it underneath your bed in a frantic haste.

“Y/N? Can you let me in? Your dad’s downstairs now.” Ki’s soft voice floods your ears as you kneel upon your bed to keep balance, smoothing down your frizzy black hair. When you don’t say anything, Ki sighs from behind the door.

“Please? I’m not gonna scold you. I wanna talk about something else, anyway.” The girl’s muffled laugh echoes against your wooden door as your heart rate accelerates. You eventually get up, your joints popping as you approach the door and slowly unlock it with dread dripping from your fingers. You open it just a crack, blinking back up at the girl’s dark brown eyes.

“Hey,” She hums playfully, gently pushing the door open. “Everything good…?” Her voice is cautious as you allow her into your small room, her narrowed eyes discreetly looking around the discarded items laying about the cluttered space. You swallow thickly, closing the door behind you.

“Yeah,” You say hoarsely as Ki slowly goes to sit upon the edge of your bed, wrinkling the baby blue comforter before eyeing the withered desk that stood front of her. You take a few quiet steps and lower yourself beside the girl, inhaling shakily. “What did you wanna talk about?”

“A few things,” Ki says, a careful smile etching her dark glossed lips. She tucks a strand of black straightened hair behind her pierced ear, fanning her liner coated eyelashes.

“First off, let me ask— Did something happen to you..?”

“Why?” You ask, staring at the girl intently. You can tell Ki’s taking her time to put together her words.

“Well. Um, it’s not about the failed date. I already know about that. But… something else. Just— tell me if something happened to you.”

“Nothing. Nothing happened. What else did you wanna tell me?” You snap hastily, your brain throbbing inside your skull.

Ki blinks a few moments before speaking. “Okay. I was just checking. Cause I lost my spell book at the same time your dad called me to ask if I was taking you home from the cafe. He sounded worried. It’s just.. all a jumbled mess and I felt like I needed to talk to you.”

“I’m okay. It’s all a coincidence, Ki. Don’t worry,” You wanted badly to end this conversation as soon as possible, and so you stand to your feet, slowly walking toward your door to gesture for the girl to do the same.

“You didn’t use my book, did you?” Ki asks after a few moments of silence. Her glare was startling and you could feel yourself shaking your head no.

“I know you probably would never, but I figured I’d ask. But anyway…” Ki sings toward the end of her splintered sentence, slowly standing to her feet and smoothing down her sheer purple blouse. Her expression lightens up as she approaches, a playful smile curving across painted lips.

“You’re coming with me tomorrow to see The Lost Boys. And you cant say no cause I’m buying your ticket,” Ki straightens out your striped fleece sweater and pats your arms playfully, her smoky black eyes traveling to your neck. “Where’s your little cross- doohickey?”

“I took it off,” You say briskly, staring down at the choker adorning the girl’s neck.

“Why?”

“It was.. it was hot in the cafe.”

[ wednesday ]

Idk what Heeseung did last night, but today I feel a lot more… free. I mean, I guess that makes sense since I’ve worn that thing for ten years. Ten years! Anyway, … I kinda like my collarbones without any distracting jewelry. Maybe Heeseung was right? It was kinda weighing me down.

[ 10:25 pm ]

Opening night was a lot more crowded than you expected. The black bodice tightly wound across your torso gathers with sweat as you try to keep up with your two friends as they bustle through the energized crowd. Once the movie ended, it looked like a swarm of ants all frantically pushing one another outside the main entrance. There were more bodies brushing against you than you’d like as Ki reached back thoughtfully for your hand, most likely sensing your frantic behavior in the midst of the overcrowded swarm. She leads you through the crowd and out into the dimly lit parking lot, your boots crunching against the asphalt.

Once the large hoard of teenagers dissipate, Ki’s breathless voice fills the air. She fixes her messily bound black waves as she speaks smoothly.

“Anyone wanna go to RedRabbit? They have discounts on movie nights.” Ki looks to you curiously as you quietly walk beside her, crossing your arms as the brisk night air tickles your bare skin. Hani speaks up when you deliver no response.

“I’m not gonna be the DD, this time.” Hani groans, slipping his hands into his jean pockets. You notice Ki roll her black lined eyes until you meet Hani’s amused gaze and immediately tap the tip of your noses at the same time.

“Not it.”

“God, you guys are losers.” Ki huffs hastily.

“Oh. My. God. Hani, do you hear the song?” Ki sings as the said boy’s eyebrows furrow in focus. He politely holds the heavy chipped door open for the two of you, faint pulsating music trickling into your ears.

“Yes,” Hani laughs grimly as the three of you wander inside the active pub, already getting feeling a bittersweet sense of deja vu. It was a good thing you had told your father you were sleeping over at Ki’s, so there really wasn’t a curfew.

Ki offers to buy drinks (with her fake ID of course) as you and Hani find a small metal table near the front of the place, your hands immediately holding your chin. You try to distract yourself from the thought of Heeseung potentially being here, so instead, you spark conversation with the soft spoken boy in front of you.

“Hani. Did you like the movie..?”

“Eh.” The boy mumbles, drumming his fingertips nervously against the table. “It was okay. It was only cool cause of the vampires.”

Ki eventually arrives back with three glasses and a dark colored liquid swishing inside each one. A smug expression laces quietly upon her face— an expression that you wish she wasn’t wearing.

“You two are gonna bounce off the walls,” She laughs giddily as you look down into the beverage before you. You eye the color and consistency and mentally groan.

Throughout the night, as you grow more clouded with every sip, the control to keep your head steady was dwindling. Thoughts of Heeseung began to swirl inside your head, and soon, your eyes were trickling over heads between the feverish chatter loudly emitting from your two friends.

And there he was, in his usual spot, slouching over the bar. You took in the messy unkempt nature of his shaggy curls and the white fleece of his turtleneck before realizing he was talking to someone — a girl, who seemed to be too intoxicated to keep her mouth shut. You didn’t want to admit to yourself how much it made your eye twitch at the sight.

“Y/N! Are you listening to me?” Ki laughs hazily, shaking your shoulder vigorously and you can feel your brain tumbling inside your skull. You blink rapidly, unable to hide your emotions from the weight of the alcohol in your hands. Your mouth curves into a tight lipped scowl, furrowing your eyebrows to focus on Ki’s face.

“What are you looking at?” Ki adds boisterously before whipping her head around, immediately noticing the tall boy and she suddenly ducks her head, as if looking at him could kill her. “Oh, god.”

“What?” Hani hums lazily, diverting his attention from his beverage to curiously gaze amongst the room. Ki’s voice lowers dramatically and intoxicated, her eyelids looking heavy as she narrows them.

“Heeseung’s here,” Ki laughs awkwardly, holding her hand up to her sweat slicked forehead. You knew Ki absolutely despised the boy, and now since alcohol is influencing her emotions, you mentally brace yourself for impact.

“He’s not even looking at us,” You laugh, a sigh tumbling from your lips. “Calm down.”

“No,” The girl snaps, throwing another agitated glance over her shoulder. “I don’t want that creep near me.” She tips her head back to take another hazy swig of her drink, downing it in one go.

“That was two years ago, let it go,” You feel yourself mumble roughly with a dramatic roll of your eyes. The girl’s expression stiffens at your slurred response, her eyes squinting in your direction before she blows a tuft of hair from her eyes.

“Oh? Since it was just a couple years ago, it doesn’t matter?“ The girl laughs hoarsely, playfully shaking her head. “Are you okay, Y/N? Should I get you a glass of water?”

“She seems a little tense,” Hani laughs from beside you, reaching over to squeeze your shoulder. “I need one of those oil things to loosen you up.”

You shrug off Hani’s hand dramatically, feeling your emotions overtake your logical thinking. Your face wrinkles in irritation, your heart rate accelerating against the chambers of your chest. You suck in a limited breath, adjusting the hem of your tight bodice. “I… am perfectly fine, thank you. Ki just doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

The words spilled from your mouth with no control, no filter. Adrenaline soon pumped through your veins at the sight of Ki and Hani’s heads nearly falling off of their bodies.

“What?!” Ki spits, her thinly arched brows raising high upon her head. “And you do?”

“He drove… he drove me home the other day and I was perfectly safe, perfectly— perfectly fine.” You breathe, sweat beading across your forehead at the heightened situation at hand. Hani stands there, his mouth fallen agape before his low rough voice echoes into your ear.

“He drove you home?”

“It’s not a big deal!” You shout, hastily throwing your hands in the air. You were loosing your grip on reasoning, your throat crackling as you spoke.

“Are you crazy? He killed Haemin! He could’ve hurt you!” Ki’s voice matches your own, and soon, a few faces turn at the sudden outburst.

“Why isn’t he in jail then? Where’s the evidence, Ki?” You spit back.

“Everyone knows! He himself doesn’t even deny it!” The girl slams her bracelet lined hands down upon the metal table, stray strands of black hair falling in her scowling face.

“Then turn him in!” You yell.

Ki doesn’t say anything else to your surprise, her beady eyes glaring into your skull. She tongues her cheek in frustration, an unreadable expression playing on her lips. “Did you guys hook up or something..?” She asks quietly, as if she were putting the pieces of her weird ideal puzzle together.

“What?” You say, taken aback.

“Is that why you’re defending him? Is that why you took off your cross?” Ki says hoarsely, eyeing your neck with disgust. Anger begins to flood your system, hot fog clouding your brain and effecting your vision as you struggle to look at her.

“I… I… What? Are you serious?” You were at a loss for words, and soon, tears begin to cloud your vision. Time begins to move in slow motion as Ki climbs out of her chair, clearly not satisfied with your bewildered response. She makes a tyrannical beeline to the tall boy folded in his barstool, not bothering to look at the commotion you were stirring in the corner of the pub. You watch Heeseung’s eyes drift toward Ki as she approaches, and soon, you’re stumbling from your seat. It was at this moment where you hated how hot headed and stubborn Ki was when under the influence.

“Did you touch her?” You hear the girl’s unhinged voice and your feet become immobile with fear. Heeseung doesn’t seem phased as he watches her become angrier with every wasted breath. But by the way his eyelids drooped, his was mildly intoxicated at well.

“Who?” The boy smirks, his eyes flickering up behind you before the back of Ki’s head blocks your view.

“Don’t act dumb, you know who I am. If I find out you did anything to Y/N, I swear to god, I will”-

“What, are you jealous?”

The sound of fist against bone crackles into your ear almost like a gun shot, losing your balance before chaos begins to ensue. Clusters of people soon try to deescalate the situation as you begin backing away. You felt as if you were shocked back into sobriety by the weight of the situation, and soon, your feet are racing toward the exit.

Hani’s hands grab your shoulders before you can go any further, pulling you back into the crowd.

“Are you okay?” He says underneath the deafening teenage voices, his sweaty palms hot against your bare skin.

“I should call for a.. a ride.” You say weakly, struggling to keep your balance. Hani notices your demeanor and holds you steady, struggling to look into your eyes.

“Do— do you want me to come with you?” He slurs, his expression intense underneath the veil of alcohol.

“No. Just- just make sure Ki’s okay,” You say, squirming from Hani’s sweaty grip before you’re on your feet again, desperate for the feeling of cool night air on your skin.

Once you step foot on the asphalt, you suddenly gasp as if you finally lifted your head from an ocean, fresh air filling your lungs. The feeling of goosebumps across your skin felt good to you in that moment as you groggily headed across the dark street toward the phone booth that sat just beside the dimly lit gas station.

The way there took you longer than you expected as you basically walked like a zombie across the road, not bothering to look both ways. You tried to wrap your brain around what just happened, but you weren’t having the easiest time. You wanted to throw up right there into the gravel, but you couldn’t— you had to get to the phone. You could still hear the chaotic chatter from across the street as the front door swung open every now and then- people leaving or probably just finding a place to vomit.

Car engines started, headlights illuminating your path. You finally made it to the phone booth, hastily swinging the door open and stepping inside. You struggle to fish the quarter from the belt of your denim skirt, shakily pushing it into the slot.

There was absolutely no chance you could call your dad. And so you try to remember the number to the taxi service, whispering numbers under your breath.

“Shit!” You curse, completely losing all recollection of any phone numbers while resting your elbow against the top of the phone block. The sudden wrapping on the transparent door startles you and causes you to drop the phone, the cord bouncing above the ground.

Heeseung’s hand is propped up against the door as he looks across the street in a panicked state. He was bouncing his leg anxiously as you frantically push open the thin door, and he immediately folded himself inside. You didn’t have time to process his swollen purple eye and scratched up lip before forcing yourself out of the booth to let him in. His doe eyes threw glances over his shoulder as he discreetly dialed numbers, fingertips furiously tapping across the buttons.

“What are you doing?” You ask furiously, agitated at the fact that you had no other choice but to hand him the phone. The door still held itself open as Heeseung’s low voice echoed into the receiver.

“Hey. When’s the soonest I can book a taxi..?” His eyes flickered over toward you as he listened in, resting across your collarbones. He hums as he continues the conversation in a hushed, urgent manner. He laughs for a few moments as if he were having a calm and genuine conversation, which made you even more impatient and angry.

“We’re here on.. on um… what is it? 5th street. Yeah. Need a ride to… Where are you going after this?” Heeseung whispers to you, his eyebrows in a permanent furrow.

“Um.. um.. Ki’s place.. uh— Jangmi apartments.” You say, struggling to collect your thoughts. Heeseung continues the conversation before ending the call and slamming the phone back on its holder, a long drawn out sigh escaping his lungs.

“Why…? I was about to call them myself!” You say pitifully as he slips out of the booth and ignores your frantic tone of voice, running a hand through his sweaty black hair. He holds his hands upon his hips and looks out across the street, slipping himself between the booth and the ice machine to hide himself.

“That girl’s still on a rampage, and all of you are too drunk to do anything properly,” Heeseung laughs in a bewildered manner, faintly out of breath. “You three are getting up out of here before anything else happens.”

But before the boy has the time to slip out the side of the gas station and disappear into the night, you grab his forearm in a frantic state of panic.

“I’m not going back home with her. She’s gonna rip me to shreds,” You breathe, your voice wavering. Your chest heaves up and down with heavy breaths, your grip tightening around the boy’s arm involuntarily.

“Then what? You gonna hitchhike? In that?” The boy quirks his eyebrow down at your outfit, blinking down across your neck again. “Not— not that you look bad. I mean. Nevermind.”

Heeseung shakes his head swiftly as if to discard whatever was in his head at that moment, shrugging off your arm. You stand there, blinking up at him with an unfamiliar feeling at the pit of your stomach.

“I know I look ridiculous.” You sigh, running a hand through your long black hair. “I just thought— I dunno. I’d wear something a little bolder… but now I just wish I had my necklace and worn another stupid turtleneck.” You laugh anxiously, but Heeseung’s eyes bore into your skull when you weakly raise your gaze to meet them. His slightly hazed out expression stiffens for a moment before he purses his lips and flutters his eyes closed- and you could tell he was slightly tipsy. His swollen eye looks a lot worse than it did a few seconds ago, making your chest swell with guilt.

“Well.. what does my opinion matter, anyway?” He grumbles to himself as he looks around, patting his pockets as if searching for something.

“Your opinion does matter, actually.” You say as he fishes a cigarette from his pocket and stands against the chipped brick wall of the gas station. He ignites it and glances toward you as smoke leaves his parted lips.

“Oh yeah. I forgot you were in love with me,” He snorts before blowing the rest of the smoke from his lungs, eyes trickling down your figure as he thinks of something to say.

“But anyway, I was just gonna say… if you were on one of those magazine covers looking like that.. I’d buy it.” He laughs somewhat awkwardly at the boldness of his statement, his eyes shifting away from your gaze as he stares down at the whites of his shoes. He crosses them over one another and lifts the cigarette to his lips once more.

“Of course you would,” You snort, your brain pulsating against your skull as you study the boy’s sheepish expression. You hesitantly go to stand beside him, warmth rushing to the surface of your already flushed cheeks. “Thanks I guess. But you know, unlike those magazines, you can do more than just look at me..”

The words spilled from your lips before you could control them— you were always more confident that you’d like under the influence. Especially with Heeseung around to toy with.

The boy suddenly makes a sound from his nose- it reminded you of the noise he made in the cursed dream when he found your diary— a memory you adored and hated at the same time.

“Don’t hit on me when I look like this.” He grins, gesturing toward the beat up stature of his face. You silently take in the swollen red splotch on his bottom lip as he smiles, small spots of blood staining his bottom teeth. Your mind flashes back to his blood stained face in your other dream, and even then, you wanted him.

“Why? You look better than I’ve ever seen you,” You say cheekily, amused by the flustered demeanor washing over him as he’s unable to hide it underneath the traces of alcohol. You turn on your side to get a better look at him, watching his adams apple as he swallows. He eventually tilts his head to the side to avoid your piercing and intoxicated gaze.

“Do you… hear what you’re saying..?” He laughs anxiously, his voice cracking between words. “You like my eye popping out of my head?”

You nod when his sheepish eyes shift to your face, your wavering line of sight trailing to his lips. They’re dry and cracked, bloodstained … but you liked like the way they looked. Everything you’ve been told was bad or evil or even unattractive… seemed to draw you in even more, filling your stomach with confused knots and your brain with contorted emotions. Or maybe you still had alcohol in your system.

“That’s… that’s kinda creepy.” Heeseung then responds, avoiding eye contact as his eyes drop to your top and down the curve of your shoulders. You laugh at his choice of words, unable to take your eyes off of him when he was this close. You shrug and notice a few stray trickles of blood upon his white fleece of his turtleneck, his chest rising up and down a little too slowly— as if he was trying to steady his breaths.

“Careful, I might steal your title.” You hum with a playful raise of your eyebrows. The boy can only laugh in surprise, tongue running across the expanse of his his top teeth. He runs it over the bottom section where blood faintly stained the bone, tasting it with the roof of his mouth. He was still watching you when headlights illuminated his face and he squints, attention diverting toward the car stopping at the front of the cafe.

You turn around to see the taxi, and when you look back, Heeseung’s already walking toward the vehicle. He leans his long frame down to the driver side when the window slowly winds itself open. The two men exchange a few words before Heeseung turns back toward you and points to the car, flicking his hand for you to get inside. Your lungs suddenly tighten and you struggle to breathe, softly shaking your head. Frustrated, the boy hustles back toward you and throws up his hands.

“Take me home, I don’t wanna go back there.” You hazily whine to him when he gets close to you, your chest rising heavily with dread. The boy sighs, jaw setting when he notices your eyes glossing over.

It takes a few moments for him to try to level his voice, lowering it for you to be able to hear. “You have to at least get them. Please. Tell them you called a taxi and you got one for yourself to go home. I guess I’ll think of something to do with you.”

[ tuesday ]

Ever since Heeseung snuck me back into my house last Wednesday night, I feel like he’s not avoiding me anymore. Maybe the spell I casted is working. I’m not sure. It probably takes a lot of time to take effect, but his route to class is back to what it was, and he even looks at me when we pass eachother! I mean, he does like call me names every time we pass and even though it’s annoying, I’m not really complaining. Ki hasn’t talked to me since that night though, which I’m kinda used to by now. Honestly, I’m thinking of keeping her spellbook to see if I can get her to talk to me again. I dunno, maybe spell casting could be my new hobby! No. Nevermind. But anyway, I still have Hani.

The fervent cafeteria chatter overtakes your eardrums as you monotonously carry your tray, eyes flickering toward the familiar scene of Hani’s table. You had to admit, sitting with him and Ki was a little awkward now, given the fact that neither you or her were acknowledging eachother. But there was no where else for you to sit these days.

A whistle from another part of the cafeteria catches your attention, your eyes immediately landing on the tightened gel- slicked head of Deji. Her over plucked eyebrows are raised when you meet her eyes, and she beckons you over. You’re not sure if you’re relieved, or nervous that you’re sitting somewhere else today, but you shrug it off when you hesitantly take an empty seat beside Deji and her stale group of Bible study friends.

Their overly excited chatter quiets down as you sit, beady eyes all zeroing in on you. You look to Deji as your face blooms with newfound warmth, a sigh escaping her glossed red lips.

“Hi, Y/N.” She begins, giving you a fake smile. She dusts off her pleated skirt and clears her throat.

“Sorry, I know this is sudden,” She laughs, and a few other girls fakely join in as if to ease the awkward tension. You crack a forced smile, eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s.. okay.”

“Well, I have some bad news.” She lowers her voice into a hushed tone, flipping her straightened sleek pony tail over the curve of her shoulder. She fakes a saddened expression and continues to speak.

“I heard from a lot of people about the.. incident from last week. Me and the girls were talking about it for a while, and… I’m not sure if we should let you continue to meet up every Tuesday.”

You blink in disbelief for a few good moments, your muscles stiffening up on you. You had no clue anyone was talking about you. You also weren’t sure just how much they knew. “Oh.”

“It’s nothing against you! You’re really cool and all, but we try to keep a good image for everyone and basically strive for every girl to be role models for the younger kids at church. I really hope you understand our decision.”

You suck in a long, drawn out breath. You weren’t exactly disappointed, the only thing you were worried about was telling your dad. He’d want to know why of course— and you’d rather die than tell him.

“Have you told my dad, yet?” You say shakily, trying to shake off your panic induced state.

Deji shakes her head eagerly, blinking up at you with thick coated lashes. “No, not yet. But we wanted to tell you here so you know not to expect us later. And we weren’t sure if you wanted to be the one to tell your dad.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell him. And I understand. Bye.” And with that, you sit up from the table, a hot lump forming at the pit of your throat. You couldn’t let your dad know about this. You being in this Bible study was something he seemed to be very proud of. And so, you had to think of a backup plan.

“Hani.” You say, causing the boy to jump from his spot at the long wooden table. He straightens out his long sleeved striped sweater and watches you press both hands on the table in haste, his eyes widening in concern.

“Yes…?”

“Do you have plans afterschool? We can hang til three.” You say nervously, trying to seem a little calmer than you just were. You clear your throat and straighten your posture, careful to avoid Ki’s judgmental glare. She seemed to be lost in conversation with other people sitting along the table, which was a good thing. You still try to lower your voice, however.

“Um…” Hani hums, looking down and picking at the untouched food sitting upon on his plastic tray. His eyebrows furrow in thought.

“Not afterschool. Maybe tonight.” He says back, looking at you curiously. He rests his elbows on the table and clicks his tongue. “Does that work?”

Your eye twitches and you try to keep a straight face, aware that your skin was probably beginning to glisten against the unflattering cafeteria lights. You softly shake your head and sigh, looking down into your own tray nonchalantly. “I have plans.. tonight. It would have to be straight afterschool.”

Hani frowns at your reply, lazily leaning his chin in the palm of his hand. He blows a tuft of straight hair from his squinted pity- filled eyes. “I would, but I have a club meeting until three.”

“Of course you do,” You sigh, looking around the cafeteria as if an idea could pop out at you. You contemplated just not going and telling your dad there wasn’t a meeting today, but he’d always want to clarify. And that would certainly expose you.

And so, having pulled all the straws, your last resort is Heeseung. Of course. You had planned to write a note next class to discreetly give to him while passing in the halls today. It was the only way to work without being seen talking to him, given that there seemed to be rumors going around. No wonder people were looking at you weird the entire week. You wondered why Hani never brought it up, but he probably didn’t want to upset you. Good thinking.

Hey. Can we meet up today at the end of my street afterschool? It’s kinda urgent

And so, while on your way to class, there he was. In the crowds of bustling kids trying to haul themselves down the crowded hallway, you make eye contact with one of the tallest faces as he dips his head to playfully whisper another embarrassing name in your ear.

But before he can, your wrists collide and you frantically stuff the paper in the caverns of his palm before he can react. You try to hold in your flustered laughter as you attempt to rush through the maze of students, your heart rate accelerating with every step.

The next class went on agonizingly slow, but eventually, the bell did ring and you had almost forgotten what it sounded like as you jumped to your feet and prepared to approach your locker to pack up for the day. When you had twisted your combination and swung open the weak flap of metal, a piece of paper flutters to the floor and you quickly pick it up, opening the crinkled folded piece of paper you had given to Heeseung previously.

I’ll see you at 2

Loose scribbles of tiny spaced out words etch across the bottom of your note, and you involuntarily smile to yourself. It hit you that you never told Heeseung your locker number, so he must’ve seen you at your locker more than once. You shrug before stuffing the note in your pocket.

[ 2:05 ]

“You walk awfully slow for someone moving in a sense of urgency.”The boy snorts as you clumsily climb into the leather passenger seat. You fold your cream colored cardigan over your chest as you do so, carefully not to reveal the lace tank top you threw on before he arrived. You figured, since it’s what he liked, why not be a little bold again? The fresh smell of a new car was also lingered in your nose and left an aroma so strong in your lungs that you almost cough. It was a new smell. Did he buy a car freshener?

“Listen. Just drive.” You sigh, closing your eyes and taking a long deep deserving breath. “I’ll tell you when we pass my house.”

Hesitantly, Heeseung begins to drive out of the usually calm neighbourhood, faint radio music crackling in the air as he silently waits for your explanation. When you’re sure you’re a good few miles away from your house, you clear your throat.

“I got kicked out of the damn Bible study group,” You groan, dragging your palm sheepishly across the surface of your reddening face. You hear the boy hold in a laugh, but it eventually falls from his lips in short spurts.

“Oh! Damn. Look at you.” He laughs, clearly amused by your statement before he begins speaking again. “I didn’t know they did stuff like that.”

“Yeah. Me neither. But they do. And now I’m supposed to be at the meeting right now, but I’d rather kill myself than tell my dad.” You speak with a low drag to your voice, a lump swelling at the bottom of your throat. Your roll your head to view Heeseung’s side profile, his eye still slightly bruised but not swollen anymore.

“I see now. So we need something to do til three I’m guessing..?” He says, a grin curling at the edge of his lips as his eyes stay glued to the road, driving aimlessly. His hair is feathered back messily from his forehead, silver hoops nestled behind short strands of unruly curls.

“Yeah… but.. are you not curious to why they kicked me out?” You hum, a small smile playing at your lips when you notice the boy smiling even wider.

“Oh, I have a good idea. They think you’re getting drunk and hooking up with murderers. Not really a good example for the children, I assume.”

You lift your head from its leather surface and flutter your mascara coated eyelashes in disbelief. He continues to drive, glancing to you once he notices your bewildered stare. “What? Am I wrong?”

“No… but… what have people been saying? I thought it was just about me getting in a drunk fight.”

“Oh, no.” The boy says causally, slowing at a red light. He rests his head against his seat and looks as you coyly, his eyebrows raised playfully upon his head. “They think we hooked up. And everyone’s still calling me a murderer, so that’s another thing.”

Your eyes almost pop out of your head at the boys surprisingly calm choice of words, your limbs frozen still on either side of you. Those words could only come from Ki— was she going around and spreading rumors? Would she really do that?

“Oh god, we’re the freaks of the school,” You wail, holding your hands against your face as if it could stop the tears from forming. You groan against your palms for what seems like forever, until Heeseung’s laughter interrupts your episode.

“It’s not funny!” You cry.

“Um, where are we going, exactly? Cause I’m kinda just headed to my house.” The boy speaks between fits of low laughter, rain drops beginning to pelt softly against the windshield.

“That’s fine. I don’t care.” You moan, slowly letting your hands fall from your face and against the denim surfaces of your lap. Soon the rain begins to pour, it’s rattling noise filling the inside of the car.

“Parents aren’t home, so don’t worry about meeting anyone,” Heeseung mumbles as he holds the heavy front door for you. Rainwater soaks your hair and clothes as you cling to your thin knit cardigan with shivering bones, eyes flickering around the dimly lit space. The living room is small but warmer than you expected as you awkwardly follow Heeseung like a lost puppy, watching him slip off his shoes and hang his oversized denim jacket. His face is flushed red as he moves along the house, as if awaiting for your reaction to his home. But you don’t say much about it.

“Uh,” he mumbles, shaking the rain from his curls as they fall in his eyes, his long body plopping against the tiny velvet couch. You soon follow, treading toward the sofa and slowly sitting beside him. The soft warm fabric of the couch can be felt through your soaked clothes, comforting you only slightly. Heeseung eyes you carefully as you take a seat beside him, folding your arms sheepishly across your chest.

“Still cold?” He chuckles, watching the way you nervously cling to your sweater. You technically weren’t cold anymore, but you were still nervous to take it off— you weren’t exactly expecting to be alone here, at his house in this ensemble.

You nod silently to his question, strands of wet hair sticking to the pale skin of your cheeks as your curious eyes flicker around the room. You weren’t quite sure what to do with yourself now that you were here.

“You’ll get warm in a minute. It’s always hot in this house.” The boy laughs noncholantly, eyes tracing across the tips of furniture and specific leafy plants as if trying to mentally gather some ideas. After a few comfortable moments of silence envelope the two of you, Heeseung hums as if an idea just struck him in the brain and he goes to stand to his feet. He dusts off his jeans and turns toward you, gently kicking you in the leg.

“You like games? Video games? Card games?” He asks, his eyebrows raised in curiosity. You look up and meet his eyes, noticing the discolored splotches dotting his eyelid and across his cheekbone. There’s a faint scratch etched across the corner of his lip that you didn’t notice until now- he looked rough, but it was oddly appealing to your eyes.

“I like both.” You mumble, watching the boy nod at your response before he hesitantly pivots on the heel of his cotton clad sock and begins down the hallway. You curiously stand to your feet yourself and decide to follow him, taking a few silent steps until he suddenly stops and turns around, a panicked expression on his face.

“You stay in the living room,” He says sharply, beckoning for you to go back to the couch. You don’t move however, a cheeky grin curving up the side of your lip.

“Why can’t we go in your room?” You ask, your fingertips drumming against your bicep in antsy rhythms. Heeseung stares stiffly down at you as you speak, his jaw setting. He presses his lips together and exhales tightly.

“Cause I don’t want you to.”

“I already know you collect weird lewd magazines,” You snort teasingly. You roll your eyes to finish off your act, watching the boy’s face instantly drain of color. “I’m sure I won’t be surprised by whatever’s in there.”

“I— I don’t collect .. you know what?! No. Go sit on the couch.” Heeseung turns back around with an agitated twist of his body, but you refuse to move. You continue to stand at the end of the hallway until he comes to a halt at the doorway of his room and notices you.

And when he does, he groans in frustration, softly banging his head against the doorway of his bedroom, sighing in defeat.

“I promise I won’t get jealous of the models on your walls!”

“Whatever. I don’t care what you do.” The boy hisses impatiently before disappearing into the caverns of his room. You smile in triumph before skipping down the hallway and into the boy’s small space.

The room is surprisingly neater than you expected. It of course wasn’t super clean, but the bed was decently made and posters didn’t clutter the walls like you expected. It was actually a little barren. A small desk sat at the corner, along with a small shelf of magazines nailed to the wall above it. That was it. Nothing else. You didn’t want to admit that it disappointed you just a little.

There were more clothes on the floor than decor on the walls, for as far as you noticed, as you stepped over them to sit upon the edge of the bed. The boy had leaned down under his bed to pull out a a shallow wooden box filled to the brim with a collection of games with different media, not bothering to acknowledge your existence.

“Where’s the models? The empty beer cans? The sports jerseys?” You sigh longingly, looking around the room in amused interest. Heeseung pauses his rummaging to glance up at you, a sly smirk curving upon his chapped lips.

“Have you ever been in a boy’s room before?”

“No.”

“Not surprised to hear that. Oh, I have solitaire in there? Why?” The boy snorts to himself as you audibly sigh, spreading your hands out upon the boys wrinkled comforter.

“So tell me,” You begin, turning your dampened head in Heeseung’s direction. “How many girls have been in here before me?”

The boy snickers playfully at your sudden question, inhaling softly before answering. His eyes still cast down upon his moving hands, long eyelashes casting shadows across his cheekbones. “I’m gonna be honest, I don’t remember. I kinda forgot they existed.”

“Damn. Seriously? Do any of them exist anymore?” You tease slyly, leaning back to get a better look at the tall boy’s reaction. As you spoke that question , it did dawn on you that the disappearance of Haemin was still a mystery. And here you were, in the rumored killer’s bedroom. Heeseung stays quiet as he rummages through his small wooden chest, the sound of plastic games and cartridges filling the air.

“Not funny.” Heeseung mumbles lowly. As you sit there holding in your laugh, the chest suddenly slams shut, causing you to jump. You watch the boy slowly stand to his feet above you, his long sleeved black sweater clinging to his body as he leans over to get a better look at you.

“You know… you have a lot of trust in me.” Heeseung says suddenly with an amused lilt to his voice, an eyebrow quirked as you sit frozen, looking up into his cautious eyes. He slowly turns and wanders over toward his desk, a soft laugh escaping his lips at the sight of your reaction.

“I know,” You say quietly, perplexed as he softly shakes his head. He looks through some of the drawers lining the sides, continuing to speak.

“Why don’t you side with everyone else? Like your friend Ki?”

“Well…” You begin, sucking in a long nervous breath. Lightning strikes through the window and flashes behind Heeseung’s blinds, throwing you off guard. “… I’ve.. known who you were since freshmen year. And it’s just hard to believe that someone like you could do something like that.”

“Oh.” Heeseung says flatly, turning around once he fails in finding whatever it is he’s looking for, leaning back against the desk and eyeing you with those deep brown eyes, damp hair feathering across the surface of his face.

“So It’s not just ‘cause I’m cute?”

“I- I mean..” A sheepish grin slowly curls across the edge of your lips, doing everything in your power to stop your face muscles from going any further. The side of your thin cardigan settles loosely at the petite curve of your shoulder as you straighten your arms across your knee and blush more than you have in a while. “… I obviously think you’re cute.”

“Obviously..” Heeseung mocks playfully, shrugging his shoulders before he saunters over toward the edge of the bed, causing your lungs to tighten and freeze. He’s eyeing you down as if the weight of his stare could reveal your thoughts, open up to him. Give him an explanation as to why you’re so infatuated with him.

“What if I just…” The boy reaches for your shoulder and swings his fist to your stomach, imitating a stab as he presses the side of his curled fingers lightly against your rib, making the sound effect with his teeth. His legs are now on either side of you as you sit at the edge, using your arms to prop you up.

“What would you do?” He adds lowly, his hand traveling down your shoulder to slowly lift up the tank top strap that had fallen off. Your cardigan had slipped completely off when he swept toward you, and you had just now noticed.

“I.. I’d be dead, cause you killed me,” You tease, dramatically falling on your back against the soft comforter to signify your death. You close your eyes and stick out a tongue, Heeseung watching with amusement.

“And then I’d come back as a ghost and tell everyone at school that they’re right about you.”

Heeseung suddenly bends down as you flutter your eyes open. You vision floods with his body hovering over you, his fists on either side of your head. The sudden move makes you breath hitch in your throat, your heart throbbing against your ears.

“No you wouldn’t…” He hums lowly, as if he knew how to get under you skin— figure you out. His eyes flicker deeply across your face and you just knew your skin was the deepest shade of red there was. You were surprised blood wasn’t seeping from your pores.

“You’d come back as a ghost… and still stalk me.” He finishes his accusation with a grin, his eyes on your lips as you begin to laugh in embarrassment, reaching out to push the boy in the head.

“I probably would…” You say in a low sagging tone, as if embarrassed by your own self. You felt like you were dreaming as Heeseung continued to watch you- not look at you. He watched you, he watched the way you laughed and the way your hand lifted up to touch him. The way he held himself made you realize he did have some kind of vibe to him. A vibe you couldn’t quite place.

“You wouldn’t want to go to heaven?” He asks after a few moments, and that question makes your lips fall. Your chest rises and sinks in slightly quicker motions, and Heeseung seems to notice when his eyes flicker to your chest. He seemed to be enjoying the way you were getting anxious.

You shake your head softly, slowly. “Not if you’re not there.”

Heeseung had been staring longingly up the delicate curve of your neck and to the plushness of your lips, and you were sure he was going to lean in and kiss you. You were waiting for it, patiently waiting. You thought about lifting your head, but Heeseung had stood back up before you could do anything else. You watched as he stood at the foot of his bed, his muscles stiffened in attempts to hold himself back. It was almost as if he were resisting.

“You’re doing what I told you not to do,” Heeseung says through a tightened chuckle, running a hand through his hair before he begins pacing around his room. You could tell he was trying to mask whatever he was hiding with a playful finish. But his words soon struck you with intense deja vu.. causing you to shiver but you briskly shake it off.

“I didn’t do anything,” You tease softly, letting a long sigh erupt from your chest.

“That’s what you think…” He hums, walking over toward the paint chipped wall to lean his head against it, throwing his sweater clad arms over his head. He shakes it from side to side, and you watch silently from your spot on the bed.

Your eyebrows furrow as you slowly sit up, your hair slightly disheveled from laying upon the mattress. The weight of your brain sags against your skull as you hesitantly throw your legs over the bed and tread up to him, making sure your voice is gentle.

“Everything alright?” Your mind suddenly flashes with images of your spell book, and the warning page you mercilessly skimmed over.

“Yeah.” He grins, throwing you a glance over his shoulder. “I just.. feel like.. I’m going insane.”

“Why?”

“I just do. It’s not a new feeling.” He groans longingly, leaning his forehead against his folded forearms that were still propped up against his wall.

“But there has to be a reason.” You say hesitantly, holding your breath.

“This time, though… I don’t know what it is.” He laughs dryly again, but it had come out bitter and hoarse. He finishes off his tightened expression with a low painful groan.

“I dunno if it’s good or bad.. but every time I think about— it, I feel.. I feel not normal.” He slowly lifts his head and turns to look at you, propping his shoulder against the wall with a contemplating frown pressed into his lips.

“I mean, is it anger?” Heeseung then mumbles to himself as if trying to detangle his own mess of emotions in an endless argument inside his head, his dark eyebrows in a tight and tense furrow. His eyes search your face as if the back of your skull had an answer key. You watch helplessly, and it’s almost like you can see gears shifting in his brain.

“No, cause I’m looking at you right now. And I’m not angry. I’m quite the opposite.” He still speaks in swift mumbles that make no sense to you.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You teasingly bat your eyelashes up at him, furrowing your eyebrows and dancing on the balls of your feet. “Do I at least look pretty?”

You watch his eye twitch before he subtly glances down your figure again, sucking in a breath and slipping out of the door. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry. Let’s play solitaire,” You pout teasingly, reaching over and dragging his arm back into his room. He groans in reluctance.

“That’s what’s gonna make me angry.”

The two of you eventually made it back in time and you managed to successfully surpass your blissfully unaware father. It was honestly a breath of fresh air to know there was at least someone out there who understood you. That’s what you thought about Heeseung as you spent the next three Tuesdays hanging out together. You visited RedRabbit one week, played video games at Heeseung’s house the next. The rumors and accusations from students at school suddenly didn’t seem to matter anymore. You could feel yourself growing closer to Heeseung, and you honestly could feel him becoming more comfortable as well. Of course, you never progressed anything. However, with each visit, the tall boy seemed to experience a very minuscule and mysterious change.

[ wednesday ]

When the bell finally rings it’s last chime for the day, you sigh in exasperation. As clusters of students file out of the classroom and chat amongst themselves about future plans of the day, you tiredly collect your books and head toward the door when Hani’s voice chirps in your ear.

“Hey,” He sings in a playful manner, slinging an arm across your shoulder. You’re slightly relieved by the newfound attention and it does energize you a little as you sigh longingly.

“Hi,” You say softly. “What’s up?”

“Ki’s been flaking on me, recently. I dunno why. She was busy yesterday. And she didn’t even talk to me today.”

“Are you surprised?” You snort, shuffling through the crowded hall of students and bypassing various sizes of shoulders and limbs. You hear Hani laugh dryly from above you before he drums his fingers across the curve of your sweater clad shoulder.

“God, I’m sorry about this whole thing, Y/N. I wish things didn’t end up this way and it was just us three again. I don’t get why Ki is so stubborn,”

You nod silently in agreement as you let his words flutter through your brain, mentally forming responses but you decide to stay quiet and let Hani continue whatever it is he was trying to get out.

“I mean, yeah I get it. Heeeung is this and that. But like, she did go too far. Even for a drunk person.” His voice is lowered underneath the loud chatter of teenagers as you both continue to walk toward the school’s entrance that opened up to its large parking lot.

“Yeah I know. But there’s nothing we can do now.” You sigh glumly. You weren’t exactly sure why Hani was so eager to talk to you, when all he was going to do was reflect on past events. You knew all of this already.

“Yeah. You’re not talking to that Heeseung guy still, are you?” The boy adds hesitantly, tilting his head down to divert more of his attention on you. His eyes flicker toward your side profile with hidden concern laced in his gaze.

“No,” you scoff, not bothering to say anything else about the situation.

“Good. Good. Anyway, I was thinking maybe we can hang later, like just chill out or something.” You can sense Hani’s sheepishness as he speaks to you, his voice hesitant on some words. You finally open the heavy glass doors of the school as Hani’s arms fall from their tight hold on your shoulder. You squint against the afternoon sun as your sneaker makes contact with the asphalt.

“Yeah, we can,” You finally hum, your eyes dropping to the whites of your sneakers against the cool ground.

“Okay. I’ll pick you up later then?”

You look up at the boy’s soft crooked smile as he speaks so gently with you, your heart swelling in your chest. You nod carefully and you two eventually part ways on a sweet note. You sigh, continuing your path down the maze of shiny parked cars before suddenly making eye contact with another tall boy across the parking lot.

Today, me and Hani were planning on hanging out after school, but he doesn’t seem like he’s going to call when he said he wou

Echoes of your telephone ring it’s digital rhythm from the kitchen and you jump up from the comfort of your desk, leaving your pencil and diary aside. You slip out of your room and down the wooden steps, not bothering to lighten your footwork to avoid its outdated creaking. Your dad wasn’t here yet, so you had the ability to be as loud as you wanted to.

You grab the phone from the candle lit dining room table and suck in a long breath. “Hani?”

“Hey.” The boy’s voice is flatter than you expected, throwing you slightly off guard. You blink in surprise as you hold the thick white phone to your ear, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” You ask wearily.

“Um… so. I don’t think I can hang out tonight. I’m sorry.” The boy spoke slowly, as if he were hesitant or struggling to speak. The behavior is oddly suspicious as you stand there in your floral white turtleneck and freshly curled hair— clothes you had thrown on in excitement. You hadn’t hung out with Hani for a long time, and you were honestly looking forward to it.

“Why?”

“Um, I have plans.” His muffled robotic voice is dry as he speaks.

“Um… okay.” You blink rapidly to keep tears from forming across your eyes, a soft lump forming at the pit of your throat.

“Can I ask you a question?” Hani suddenly asks out of the blue, voice ringing through the receiver.

“What?”

“Why did you lie about talking to Heeseung again?”

“What…?” You choke, your throat tightening the more you attempt to breathe. This had to be Ki’s doing. You could feel it.

“What is Ki saying to you?” You narrow your eyes in suspicion and struggle to keep your voice stable, digging your fingernails into the center of your palm.

“Nothing… I … I .. I don’t know who to believe! I’m sorry, Y/N.” And then suddenly, a girl’s voice echoes into the receiver as the feedback of their voices flicker for a minute, until eventually the phone hangs up. You stand there, listening to the hypnotizing ringing in silence. That girl sounded just like Ki. Why was she out to get you? What did you ever do to her?

And as soon as you shakily put down the telephone with fresh salty tears glazing your irises, the front door slowly unlocks and creaks open. You grit your teeth in dread before turning on your heel, forcing a casual expression as your father surprisingly enters the kitchen at a heightened pace.

“Were you just on the phone with someone?” The man asks cautiously, stopping at the kitchen door way. You notice the man’s demeanor and realize he doesn’t usually get angry when you call your friends, so something might have been off.

“Y-yeah.”

“Well that’s gonna be your last phone call for a while. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.”

Today, me and Hani were planning on hanging out after school, but he bailed on me! I knew Ki’s been behind this, and for whatever reason, she hates my guts now! I also know she’s behind my dad finding out I’ve been kicked out of the study group. What is that girl doing? How does she even know I’ve been ditching them for Heeseung? Was she spying on me or something? I don’t know. But now I’m not allowed to leave the house expect for school, and I’m not even allowed to call anyone. My dad even set up wires that snap if I try to open the door! I hate it. I hate letting my dad down, it’s the worst feeling in the world. And now, I cant even see Heeseung anymore. What am I gonna tell him on Tuesday? What if he shows up to get me, and I’m not there?

[ next tuesday, 2:00 pm ]

You knew once you pulled into the rickety driveway of your house after a long grueling day of school, that your dad would be waiting for you. It was like that all last week, and you knew it was going to be like this for a long time. It made your stomach churn just thinking about it. It made you even more nervous that since you couldn’t talk to Heeseung in school either, you had no way of letting Heeseung know anything. You could have tried passing notes again, but if Ki was on the lookout, you didn’t want to risk it.

You meet your dad inside the tidied up living room as you let your backpack and keys fall to the floor and at your laced up feet. You slump your way over to him while pausing at the foot of the stairs, awkwardly resting your arm against its wooden banister.

“I’m about to head out. You know the drill. Since it’s Tuesday, I put up some more traps so I know if you’ve left the house without my permission. That clear?”

You nod underneath the weight of your father’s disappointed stare. You knew he had so much more to say, but didn’t know how to say it. You’ve never gotten caught doing anything before, and he didn’t know how to process any of it. It made you want to cry at how pathetically guilty you felt as you stood there awkwardly by the banister.

“I want another portion of that Bible read when I get home. I’ll be testing you on it.”

You watch your father leave with glossed over eyes as he slowly closed the embroidered front door and the traps quietly click in place. You take a deep breath to try to calm yourself down before heading to the caverns of your room, awaiting a disappointing array of empty hobbies to fill the void.

Once you lazily make it up your room, you saunter up toward your window and slowly creak it open, popping your head slightly outside as the breeze picks up and ruffles through your hair. You narrow your eyes underneath the soft lights of midday to try to see if you notice Heeseung’s small car. You try to peer out a few miles down the street to get a better view, but see nothing. Small brown houses with softly wilting flowers only dot your view, a depressing scene sprawled out as your eyes take it in.

It only takes you a few seconds of gazing out into the sky to notice Heeseung’s car rolling past the house. Your eyes pop open at the sudden realization and your heart sinks, watching him pull to the end of the road and away from your line of sight. You groan in frustration, hot clouded tears welling up in your vision as your chest swells with agitation. You want to scream with rage out in the open air for all the neighbourhood to hear. You didn’t care.

That is, until his car was slowly backing up into view, noticing the sight of his head peeking out the driver’s side as he looks over his shoulder. At that moment, you wandered if he saw your own miserable head as he passed by the house and noticed only your car in the drive way. Either way, you begin to frantically wave your hand in order to capture his attention, hoping and praying that he sees your call for help.

He does. He pauses and stops his car to observe your panicked state and eventually parks a few feet away from your mailbox, slowly climbing out of his car to jog across the yard and meet you underneath your window.

You sigh in relief as he trudges closer against the grass, his face stricken with confusion.

“Are you locked inside, or what?” He calls to you from a few feet below, raising his palm to his forehead to get a better look at you.

You nod eagerly, throwing your hands up as if you were under surrender, pathetically waving a little white flag in defeat.

“My dad found out I got dropped from the study group. So I’m not allowed to leave,” You whine, resting your elbows against the windowsill as the wind tussles mercilessly through your hair. Heeseung looks up at you in thought and sighs, gesturing hastily toward the front door.

“Can you not just sneak out?”

“He set up little traps by the door. I cant. Get. Out.” You groan as the words tumble from your lips and solidify into reality, dropping your head dramatically as the wind runs though it.

“Well. Um. Should I just go…?” The boy sighs, shaking the windswept curls from his eyes as he squints them to look up.

You immediately shake your head at his question, your eyes popping out of your skull. “Don’t leave me. Please. I’m going to go insane.”

“Well. What do you want me to do? Climb up there?” Heeseung laughs sarcastically, throwing his hands in the air.

You suddenly chirp with optimism as you playfully lean over the edge of your windowsill to get a good look at the side of the house. The tall wooden and faded panels looked barren as your mind tumbled with something you could do. And then suddenly, it hits you.

“My dad has a ladder in the garage!” You yell back to him, your eyes flashing with amusement.

Heeseung looks up at you for a moment before looking back toward the front yard and to the separate garage unit, browning weeds lining up the side of it.

“I’ll tell you the code so you can go inside,” You add as the boy still thoughtfully considers this odd and spontaneous plan, thanks to you.

Thick soled sneakers click heavily upon the wooden floor as Heeseung climbs into your room, stumbling a little as he sets foot inside. The boy then carefully closed the window back down to be safe, eyeing out the frosted glass to make sure no neighbors had witnessed this odd interaction.

You sat neatly upon your bed, drinking in the sight of him finally in your bedroom. You take in his loosely fitted white sweater as he straightens up and shakes out his disheveled hair, looking out across your room and observing your unmade bed to the cluttered wooden desk. His eyes then meet your gaze, holding it there.

“Well… I’m here.” He hums lowly before carefully walking forward. He eyes your room again with a playful expression prancing across his face, one that made you curious to know what exactly was going through his head. He walks over to your desk and sighs.

“So.. what does a girl like you like to do up here..?” He says casually, throwing a teasing glance over his shoulder.

“Well.” You huff softly in response, your shoulders slightly slouching. “I write in my diary. Sometimes. But lately I’ve just been crying and rotting in my bed.”

You notice Heeseung’s fingers brushing across your smooth candles, which makes your breath catch in your throat. Ki’s spell book was wedged discreetly between the large set and the wall, and if Heeseung were to move that candle just an inch, the thing could fall and catch his attention. Something you absolutely did not want right now.

“Oh right. I forgot. How did your dad find out?” Heeseung grins amusingly, as if your life was just one big embarrassing show and he was constantly entertained, eager to listen in for more. He turns away from the candles, which enabled you to breathe again, and picks a piece of jewelry from your desk. He toys it with his hands as he goes to sit down beside you.

“Well. It’s a long story. Me and Hani were going to hang last week, but… Ki convinced him to ditch me. She somehow knew I was still talking to you. Which could only mean she also knew I was ditching my study group to hang out with you. And I guess she told my dad. But my question is.. how much did she tell him…?” You sigh, leaning down to hide your face in your hands.

“Damn. That’d be kinda funny if she told him everything.” Heeseung snorts as you peek a curious eye open, watching the familiar chain slink against his palm in rhythmic motions.

“That’s my mom’s necklace. Don’t touch it,” You whine, taking the chain from the warmth of his hand to bring it back up to your desk, your spine tingling with another sense of deja vu. If the rest of the dream played out in reality, you weren’t sure just what you were going to do. You hear him sigh over dramatically as you place the chain back in your delicate silver jewelry box, a long sigh escaping your lips.

“My bad.” The boy snickers as you turn around against your wooden desk, watching as Heeseung leans back in his spot upon your bed. His hands prop himself up against the baby blue mattress as he spreads his legs out comfortably, watching you playfully.

“Where’s your diary at?” The boy clicks his tongue and begins to grin, his eyes wandering across the contents of the desk behind you. “You mention it sometimes, but I never see it.”

“Why would I want you to see it?” You respond lowly, slightly irritated at the dullness of his question. You copy the boy’s pose as you prop your hands up against your desk with your fingers curled around the wooden edge, crossing a leg over one another.

“Cause. I feel like you probably write about me, don’t you?” The boy squints, reaching out to scratch at his jaw in a sort of accusing manner, his silver hoops glistening against the late sunlight shining through the frosted glass.

“Um. Um. What does it matter? Even if I did, you’d never see it in a million years.” You try to come off as calm and collected, but you were struggling underneath the weight of the boy’s piercing stare.

“Why~?” Heeseung whines, his voice low is his throat and it catches you off guard. He rolls his head back dramatically until it rolls back to face you, an unreadable expression appearing upon his face. You furrow your eyebrows at his mischievous gaze before he slips his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’m gonna find it.”

“No!” Your eyes widen, watching as the boy straightens from the bed and begins anxiously wandering around your room as if he were playing a game of hide and seek. Out of reflex, your arm shoots out and wraps firmly around his wrist. “Stop. No. Why do you want to read my diary?”

“Because…” Heeseung’s head dips as he tries to gaze underneath shelves and dresser drawers, practically dragging you around the room as you refuse to let go of his arm. You knew your diary was nestled inside the leather bag draped across the floor under your bed, which wasn’t a fantastic hiding place. But you only had to worry about your father looking around, and he wasn’t that great at finding things.

“I’ll tell you what you want to know.” You whine as you practically grasp at straws, setting your feet in front of him to distract the boy from his mischievous intentions. You hadn’t noticed you were standing defensively in front of your bed, which makes Heeseung tilt his head up suspiciously before he drops to the floor at the same time your heart drops to your stomach.

“No-!” You grab the boy’s broad shoulder as he pulls out your leather bag in a tauntingly slow pull, slipping out your weathered diary as your vision begins to blur and you feel as if you were watching your life through a plastic film. To top it all off, Heeseung eagerly flips it over to a random page, struggling to stand as you continuously claw at his arm, bewildered laughter spilling from your lips.

“Today, my dad told me— no, not that one… um… I keep having dreams about— Hey!” You snatch the book from his clammy grip and toss it against the other side of the room, frustrated breaths spilling heavily from your lips.

“What dream? Is it about me?” Heeseung laughs, stepping toward where the book had sprawled open against the floor, but you angrily stand in front of him and push strongly against his chest, backing him against the wall and away from the abused diary.

“Stop.” You say lowly, your hands placed firmly either side of the boy’s broad shoulders. Heeseung doesn’t seem phased as he smiles down at you, his chest rising up and down in a surprisingly calm rhythm, given he was now being pushed up against the wall.

“You dream about me?” He says softly, his eyebrows knitting together as he struggles to keep steady eye contact with you. “What kind of dreams are we talking about?”

“What is up with you today? Why are you so annoying?” You say sheepishly, blowing a tuft of sweaty hair out of your face. You weren’t aware of just how heavily you were breathing until you heard the strong heavy breaths erupting from the pits of your mouth.

“What do you dream about?” He asks again, sucking in a long hesitant breath.

“What…? I…” You blink rapidly, shock striking your face. You were at a loss for words, you didn’t quite know how to answer. You weren’t sure if he was just toying with you to get you nervous, or if he actually wanted to know. “I don’t know...”

“You don’t know?” The boy laughs, his expression twisting with concern. You felt as if looking up into his eyes would reveal yourself to him like an open book, and so you try to cast your eyes somewhere that wasn’t in proximity with his taunting stare. “Or are you too shy to tell me?”

You swallow the intense lump forming in your throat as your eyes widen up at him, noticing the half lidded state of his gaze when he looks down upon you. You didn’t want to keep feeling like you were at the lower end of the stick, so you think of changing it up. You try to divert your anxiety into something more confident to throw him off his high horse.

“I think… you’d be too shy to listen,” You tease back at him, running your hands across the expanse of his chest. You could tell your flirty remark threw him for a loop, not expecting you to say something so … sure. He sucks in another tight breath and blows it out through flared nostrils, narrowing his eyes before speaking up again once you continue to stand in silence. “You just know exactly what to say, don’t you?”

“I mean… I can’t help it. When I’m with you, it just comes out.” You smile sheepishly, refusing to meet the boy’s eyes.

“And that’s why… I can’t. I can’t stay,” The strangled words of Heeseung’s voice completely throws you off of your flirtatious pedestal. You expected another clever remark form his end, not this. Heeseung’s voice tightens in his throat and he attempts to lean up from the wall to brush you aside, but your hands are firm against his chest, pushing him against the wallpaper once more.

“Why can’t you stay? What are you afraid of?” You laugh half heartedly, your eyebrows furrowing in intense confusion. You could tell that every time the tension rises, the boy holds back. He’s struggling to maintain how he really feels, and it drives you insane.

“I’m afraid of myself. If I let this go any longer.” Heeseung’s voice roughens and it makes you look up at him in surprise, your fingertips picking at the fabric of his sweater and he continues to stand there against the wall. He didn’t try to resist, it was as if he were patiently waiting for you to say something.

“Then… why do you keep coming back?” Your voice is raised as you struggle to wrap your head around this entire situation.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Heeseung laughs in frustration, as if he himself couldn’t understand. You interrupt his tense chuckling to grab his shoulders and shake him into sanity. “Yes you do.”

You watch as he looks back into your eyes, his gaze strong into yours as you speak up again.

“Is it safe to say .. that you want me just as much as I want you…?” You tilt your head to maintain eye contact, not wanting to break it. In this moment, his eyes were the answers you so desperately needed. If he couldn’t say it in words, he could show it in his eyes. You were so deep in his trance that you barely noticed his head nodding ever so slightly, struggling to look away from you, but he couldn’t.

“Then kiss me.” You sigh, running your hands dangerously up the side of his neck and holding his jaw, running a thumb over the faint scratch on his bottom lip. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“I might. I’m gonna scare you away.” He whispers, dipping his head to lean closer to you, as if to look even deeper into your eyes as if they were an endless void.

You shake your head as he speaks, your lips brushing against his as you laugh desperately against his parted lips. “No, no. I should’ve scared you away from the start. So please. Just. Kiss. Me.”

“I… Fuck.” The boy spits before something unravels inside him and he lifts his hands to cup your neck, pulling your lips forcefully against his mouth. The motion causes you to become breathless, inhaling strongly through your nostrils. It was the feeling you dreamed and fantasized about- but it was way more intense once brought into reality.

You knew you were walking on pins and needles with this new information about him, but in this moment, you didn’t care. Your hands were sliding up his small waist and down to the latch of his belt as he continued to kiss you roughly. His pace was fast, it was getting hard for you to keep up as his mouth roamed lazily across the side of yours and across your bottom lip, his teeth grazing the skin.

You hadn’t had much experience with kissing a boy, ever, but in the heat of the moment, it somehow came to you. The boy’s lips were moving at such a dangerously intense pace that you had to tilt your chin up to match him. His breath was shaking as he parted for air, lips plush and swollen before he runs a tongue over it. He watches you breathe for a few moments, eyes lost in your face as if guilt was overriding him. You could see how much he was hating himself for this, how bad he felt. His palms held the base of your neck before he lifted himself off the wall and backed you up toward the foot of your bed.

“You know I’m crazy,” He says breathlessly, kissing you deeply on the lips before he gently slides his hand down the curves of your chest and down to the hem of your shirt, hands roaming in painfully slow motions.

“That’s why Haemin left,” He continues to say between feverish messy kisses, littering your mouth and leaving sizzling marks against the sensitive skin. He lifts your shirt over your head before finally laying you down upon the mattress, his mouth still hotly glued to yours.

“And I’m gonna be obsessed with you,” He says, his lips traveling down your jaw until his tilts your chin up with the tip of his nose. “I am obsessed with you. I hope you’re okay with that.”

“The feeling is mutual,” You murmur breathlessly as his mouth travels down the base of your throat in slow dragging kisses, his hot breath fanning against your skin. Your eyelashes flutter as he continues to kiss across your collarbone, a low guttural noise escaping from his throat when your fingers curl in his hair.

The lower he travels, the tighter your lungs feel against your chest. Your neck felt barren against the cool air, suddenly feeling the affect of your cross’ absence as your chest rises gradually, the vibrations from your vocal cords rising but you try to contain yourself, swallowing down any noise that ceased to trickle from your swollen lips.

Once his mouth drags below your navel, he lowly lifts himself up, stopping himself and catching his breath.

“I need.. to cool it.” He swallows thickly, glistening lips parting before the side of his lip curls up faintly. He struggles to hold himself up before he lays himself down against your stomach, letting his warm cheek hit against your skin. “I’m getting ahead of myself.”

“I won’t stop you, you know.” You let your fingers glide through the tops of his disheveled curls as he continues to lay there for a few moments, taking in the feeling of your touch. A few moments pass by and you could’ve sworn he had fallen asleep there across your abdomen. Eventually, the boy does groggily lift his head. He crawls back up toward you and kisses you again, but this time, it’s not as rough. It’s thought out, careful. It’s slow, open mouthed, but cautious. It was as if he were communicating with his lips, trying to understand and embrace the cord that was suddenly wrapping around the both of you in a permanent tie.

And as he continued to unravel the layers of you emotionally and physically, you thought to yourself- this was better than any dream.

[ a week later ]

It’s still hard to believe that I finally got with the boy I’ve been crushing on for years. And although I love it, I also feel… different. I’ve done things with him that I never really expected from myself, which kind of startles but amazes me. Heeseung’s been showing up at my window almost every day, and it honestly feels like I’m living inside a dream. But now, I’m wondering if there will be a time when I wake up. I hope not.

You clutch your backpack strap close to your body as you head on to your last class of the day, swirls of seeing Heeseung later still clouding inside your mind. You mentally conjure up scenarios inside your head as you walk before you feel a somewhat urgent pull on your backpack, throwing you out of your trance and making you feel a bit lightheaded.

Your whip your head around and see none other than Ki, pulling you out of the bustling crowd of teens and into the dimly lit tiled bathroom.

“Ki…? What are you doing?” Your eyes widen in shock as she pulls you inside, past the array of bathroom stalls and to the back corner, mascara staining her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy as she stands against the back wall, black waves of hair falling in her eyes as she wiped the edge of her nose.

“I know.. I know you don’t wanna talk to me,” She mumbles hoarsely. “But— but I just wanna say I’m so so sorry!”

The girl begins wailing mercilessly before she pulls you into an overbearing embrace, throwing her lace covered arms around your shoulders and sobbing into your neck. You awkwardly pat her crimped black hair as you continue to stare into the tiled wall, eyebrows furrowed.

After you decide to stay quiet, she steadies her breaths and looks back up at you, wiping her wet eyelashes with the back of her hand.

“I know you’re mad at me. That’s why I didn’t talk to you for like a month, and it was practically killing me, and I- I was the one who told your dad about the study group thing and I told Hani, too, and— and, maybe I followed you to Heeseung’s house that one Tuesday, but it was because I was looking out for you! I’m worried for you!”

She brings her bejeweled hands across your shoulders, emerald colored stones lining her fingers as she looks into your emotionless eyes, swallowing thickly.

“I’m worried.” She repeats hopelessly.

“Why.. why didn’t you just talk to me instead of going behind my back?” You hiss, blinking your mascara coated eyelashes at her tear stained face. “I’m not allowed to leave my house, Ki. I’m not allowed to call anyone. My dad thinks I’m a reckless sinner who betrayed God or some shit.”

Ki sniffs in response, carefully processing your words. She sighs heavily, softly shaking her head. “I’m trying to keep you safe. Heeseung is dangerous. Why don’t you see that?”

“He hasn’t tried to hurt me. He’s also not the one who stabbed me in the back.”

“Listen,” Ki breathes in shakily, running the back of her hand across her sweat slicked forehead before anxiously dusting off her silk black skirt. She glances over her shoulder toward the bathroom entrance and swallows thickly.

“I .. I knew Haemin, before you and me met. Sophomore year. She was head over heels for that guy. She— she gushed to me about going on a date with him this one weekend, but she never showed up the next Monday. She never even answered my calls.” Ki takes a moment to catch her breath as you stand there, trying to pay attention to her words and not the glistening trails streaming down her nose.

“She kept telling me how he would — he would carry this black backpack around, but he would never let her see what was in it. He was like, super protective over it. And then … they filed a missing report. He was taken in for questioning, but was proven innocent. But I know he isn’t. I know!”

Ki starts getting emotional again, and you reach out to steady her, softly squeezing her shoulder in pity. “It’s okay. Breathe.”

Ki steadies her breath again before she slowly backs away, blinking at you and sucking in a large thoughtful breath. “You’re not gonna listen. But… Just… next time you see him, ask about his backpack. Please. Just do that.”

You nod hesitantly as she slowly backs out of the bathroom and disappears before you. You stand there, frozen until the school bell rings loudly in your eardrums, causing you to jump in your skin. You make a run for the exit, cursing to yourself for running late.

[ 2:16 pm ]

“Oh my god. Please tell me you covered that up.”

Your fingertips dance upon the scattered dark splotches that littered one side of Heeseung’s outstretched neck, warmth rushing to the surface of your skin. He lays his head upon your silk pillow and stares up at you, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth.

“Nope.” He hums smugly, laughing up at you and you push his face away from where you sat, a hand propping you up on your side.

“No one cares, anyway.” He mumbles, grabbing your hand from his neck to press his mouth against the inside of your palm, half lidded eyes still casted upon your face. You sigh as you take in the feeling of soft lips against your skin, something odd resting at the pit of your stomach. You had glanced over toward your candle set briefly before speaking up.

“I know, but… it’s just embarrassing. For me, at least.”

Another boyish chuckle spills from the boys mouth, muffled against your hand. He holds it against his cheek and sits up in his spot. His loose white button up drapes across his shoulders like light weight curtains, black curly hair disheveled on top of his head and curled around his ears. His eyes looked puffy from lack of sleep, which you didn’t want to point out.

“You gotta stop getting embarrassed about stuff,” He whispers warmly before dropping his hold on your hand and pulling on the curve of your hip, clutching the black fabric of your skirt and bringing you closer toward his body. Your palm stays comfortably upon his cheek, fingertips messing with the silver hoop pierced in his ear.

“I can’t help it. I’m not used to this, you know.” You whine out of sheepishness and the boy only chuckles, his hand softly running down the side of your leg and back up. His eyes had skimmed over your relaxed figure before he flicks his bottom lip from between his teeth, eyebrows softly furrowed.

“I know, I know. I’m just saying. But loosen up a little. No one’s out to get you,” He murmurs before leaning down and pressing his lips against the space below your ear and softly up your cheek. After taking his time kissing small individual freckles that lined your cheekbone, he leans back, nosing your cheek.

“It’s just me. What am I gonna do?” He whispers, smiling against your cheek before you roll your eyes and turn your lips toward his, giving him one small kiss upon his mouth. He doesn’t pull away however, following your movements until you decide to speak up to finally part.

“Shut up.” You sigh, swallowing thickly and sucking in a breath. “Um. Hey, can I ask you something?”

Heeseung’s mouth hovers across your cheek as he nods, gradually moving toward the pierced shell of your ear. His breath against your skin makes a shiver travel up your spine as you clear your throat to speak.

“Do you… do you remember when I first talked to you?” You hum lowly, a snicker already fanning from the boy’s lips and against the inside of your ear.

“Mhm. You were such a mess,” He whispers.

“Yeah… and .. and before I got too drunk to forget everything, I asked what you had in your bag?” Your heart rate accelerates as you speak, noticing Heeseung’s muscles stiffening at the mention of those two words.

“Yeah. Where.. where is this going?” He laughs dryly before leaning back to look up at you, big doe eyes lost helplessly in your face as he searches for an explanation.

“Well.. you just.. you just never told me what was in there.” You follow your statement with a forced chuckle, struggling to ease the situation by running a hand through his shaggy black hair.

“Well, I don’t think it really matters.” Heeseung’s tone lowers as he raises his eyebrows, running a hand slowly up your shirt, as if trying to divert your attention somewhere else.

“I think it matters. You were acting really secretive about it.” You hum, feeling his nails gently dragging down the length of your curving spine.

“Why do you bring this up?” He asks impatiently, furrowing his eyebrows attentively and cocking his head to get a better look at you. “Hm?”

“Cause I was just thinking about it. I think I kind of have a right to know.”

“Baby, it’s nothing, it’s just - it’s just magazines,” He laughs with a sour tinge to his tongue, swiftly pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of your mouth. You tip your chin up to avoid his lips, so he instead kisses across your jaw and the curve of your chin.

“Can you show me?”

“I don’t have it.” He says almost immediately, which hits a nerve inside your brain. You immediately trace your memories back to where he had thrown his backpack in the backseat of his car that one afternoon before dropping you off, so you figured it could still be in there.

“Is it not in your car?” You ask curiously, leaning your head away from the boy to get a better look at him.

You notice him swallow deeply, agitation settling in his features. He goes quiet for a few moments, studying you with narrowed eyelids.

“You’re not looking in my car. You can’t even leave anyway.” You’re already swinging your legs over your bed in anger, impatience boiling inside of you. Heeseung grabs for your arm furiously, pulling you back toward your bed with one quick tug.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He laughs in disbelief as you struggle to get back up. You eventually let loose from the boy’s frantic grip and take off down the wooden steps. His footsteps are close behind you as you reach for the door, not bothering to notice the dumb traps your dad had set up. Heeseung arms slinks out from behind you and holds the door from being opened, palm slapping against wood.

“You’re gonna get in trouble.” He hisses, looking down at you feverishly and you push him in the shoulder, quickly unlocking the door and setting off the small robotic traps and the wires snap off once you swing it open.

You were alarmed by the sight of the rain pelting down across the driveway as you began running down the street, Heeseung’s footsteps still on your tail. Panic strikes through you at the possibility of seeing something you didn’t want to see. You prayed that Ki was wrong about him, you had hoped that he was just misunderstood. You didn’t want to think about how you could have potentially casted an obsessive love spell on someone who was already crazy.

You finally spot his car a few blocks away from your house, bare feet trudging through the dampening grass and eyes squinting through the thin cold sheet of rain. Once you hear the sound of wet footsteps growing louder, you make a run for it.

“You’re being absolutely ridiculous right now,” The boy hums in panic when you throw open the unlocked door to his backseat, his backpack slumped against the hard leather.

You had just closed the door on yourself and locked it from the inside, Heeseung making it only a few seconds late. He brings his fists against the window and holds them there, resting his head against the door as rain continues to fall against him and dampen his clothes.

You shakily unzip the small bag and squint through the dimly lit space. You spread it open to get a better look, noticing a few familiar objects. The magazine with the tube top wearing model was wedged beside a small velvet journal, along with your cross necklace strewn out across the bottom of the bag.

You gasp when you see it, picking it up and laying it out across your fingers. You curl your fist around it and stuff it inside the shallow pocket of your skirt, reaching for the journal next.

You open it up to reveal his cluttered tiny handwriting. It’s hard to read it from this angle, and so you bring it out closer toward the window on the opposite side of Heeseung, the light softly illuminating the crinkled pages.

You see your name scrawled in almost every sentence. While hastily flipping through pages, you read every single word. There were detailed stories, dreams he had of you almost every night. They were highly descriptive and off putting as you sat there and took everything in. You then notice a few other pages of him relentlessly confessing his complete infatuations, from the way your hair had looked one day to the things you had said that stuck with him. To the addresses of the places you’ve visited, to the code of your garage. Every entry of every day involved you. Unlike your own diary, you wrote about things that didn’t always include Heeseung— but this journal was basically all you. It almost reminded you of the way the Bible was written, every story revolving around God and His word. It was almost as if you were the god of this story.

Emotions swirled around you rapidly, clouding your vision and leaving you lightheaded as rain pelted hard against the windshield. Guilt takes over you as you turn to look back at Heeseung. He was still standing against the door, head pointed to the ground. He was getting drenched, and so you impulsively unlock the door and gently push it open. Heeseung backs up suddenly to let the door swing and then immediately slips inside, crawling over the back seat to hover over you. You had laid yourself back helplessly as he quickly shut the car door behind him, rain water dripping from his hair and into your face. The drops are cold against your skin as he tugs the journal from your grip and throws it across the car floor, staring at you with glossed over eyes.

“You- you read my diary. So I read yours.” You whisper tightly. You didn’t know what to make of any of this. The only thing you could do now was figure out how this related to Haemin.

“Oh, so we’re even now. Everything’s all fine and back to normal,” Heeseung spits sarcastically.

“Are you happy now?” He breathes lowly, his silk button up transparent as it sticks to the skin of his heaving chest. His entire face seemed to flushed pink, and he was studying you intensely, trying to get a reaction out of you.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, reaching out to brush the dampened strands from his face. “I just needed to know. I don’t want you to be the person everyone thinks you are.”

Heeseung sighs, slowly fanning his eyes closed, wet eyelashes unleashed small trickles or rainwater to cascade down his cheeks.

“Are you weirded out by me?” He finally asks, swallowing thickly as rain streams down his face and onto your cheekbone.

“I… I don’t know what to think. Was this why Haemin left?” You whisper, your voice blending in with the rain outside.

Heeseung only nods, his jaw setting. “It wasn’t this bad, though.” He laughs dryly, slowly sitting up in his spot to rest his back against the cool leather seat. “Sorry if I’m drowning you.”

You sit up yourself and force out a small pitiful smile. “It’s okay.”

“It’s just… I used to be so popular.” He sighs longingly into the still quiet air, running a hand across his wet face. “And.. and everyone was so eager to get some dirt on me. I guess I was too good at everything to be normal. I don’t fucking know.” He leans his dampened head back against his seat as he stares up at the car ceiling.

“And yeah, I’m a little off. Haemin did the same thing, too. She snuck in my car and saw my journal. She then had a panic attack and broke up with me. And then…” He sucks in a soft breath and struggles to keep his voice steady.

“She was so freaked out, cause I guess I wasn’t the guy she pictured in her head or whatever. M’pretty sure she dropped out and ran away from home the next day. Could be wrong. But her stupid parents filed a missing person report and now everyone was convinced I killed her.”

You sit there, trying to process everything the boy was saying. You picked up on the way he spoke and realized he had to have been telling the truth. But before you could let him know you believed him, you had one more question on your mind.

“But.. why don’t you deny it when people ask?” You speak carefully, before reaching out to swipe a forming droplet that threatened to fall from the boy’s chin.

Heeseung begins to grin mischievously, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s just fun to keep people talking.”

“Hm. So.. is that why.. you were too afraid to date anyone else after that? Cause you thought it was your fault?” Your eyebrows softly raise as you speak, hesitant to reach out and comfort him. You wanted answers, but you were also longing to touch him. You weren’t exactly sure when the right time was.

Heeseung slowly nods, a sheepish smile curving upon his moistened lips. “It is.. partly. I told you I get obsessed…”

He rolls his head to the side to look at you, his eyebrows softly furrowing upon his face. His expression then softens the longer he looks at you, gnawing at the inside of his cheek. “But.. for some reason…”

He begins, leaning up from his seat and resting his shoulder against it, leaning closer to get a better look at you. “… This feels different. I feel drawn to you in a way I never felt with Haemin.”

You suck in a soft breath as hi dampened hair falls in his eyes and his breath runs faster. His exposed chest rises and falls with every rapid breath. “It’s like..”

The boy’s voice is a whisper, his body language hesitant a if contemplating how to express his thoughts.

“… It’s like eating me alive…”

You swallow at his choice of words, hesitant on what to do or say next. How were you going to move on from this? As you sat there, your mind swirled with endless possibilities. Was it going to get worse from here? What if you had no choice but drop out and run away yourself? Was it going to get to that point?

“Y/N…? Talk to me.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.” You sigh, leaning your head against the back of his leather seat. You hear the boy exhale shakily from his lips, running a hand through his wet hair before he clears his throat.

“Would you like me to leave…?”

You feel yourself shaking your head, looking at him with furrowed brows. Your eyes fall down to his glistening exposed skin, reaching out to run a hand across the dampened surface of his chest. Heeseung shivers underneath your touch and leans against your hand as it roams up his neck and toward the nape of it.

Heeseung says nothing else before hesitantly pressing his cold lips against yours. His mouth works feverishly against your own as you wrap your shaking hands into the wet strands of his hair. The cool material of his shirt stings against your skin as he snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you to his body with as much closeness as possible. The feeling of your skin against his brings warmth back into your system as he hoists you up across his lap. The back seat of his car is compact and small as you cling to his shoulders with desperation as if you weren’t close enough, although that wouldn’t be physically possible.

You trail your lips down the expanse of his cool neck as rain continues to pelt hard against the fogging windshield.

[ about a month later ]

With shaky fingers, you quickly try to recollect Ki’s locker combination as you turn the dial frantically left and right. You only had limited ‘bathroom time,’ and you knew your teacher would get suspicious if you took any longer than five minutes.

Once you finally have it open, you sigh heavily and slip Ki's leather bound spellbook from your weathered bag, quickly throwing it in her now deserted locker before slamming it shut. You feel like a weight has lifted from your shoulders as you head back your classroom and attempt to act like nothing happened.

A month had gone by, and you hadn't seen Ki since the emotional bathroom encounter. And although you weren't allowed to call anyone, you had tried to sneak in a few calls here and there, but alas, there was no answer.

It was odd seeing the missing person posters taped up along the side of school and the front of convenience stores. It didn't feel real.

Every day that Heeseung came over, you'd cry into his arms. And of course, he'd comfort you. But as the days begin to pass, it didn't feel like comfort anymore.

The bell finally rings it’s last chime of the day, sending you up and out of your seat. Your muscles had been cramped up from sitting in the same position for so long, your bones cracking and popping when you stand to your feet. For some reason you felt high on adrenaline, your brain throbbing inside your skull. You had sifted through the maze of teenagers in a hasty sprint, not bothering to look at anyone you were whizzing past. You wanted to get out of there.

That is, until you slam into someone tall and hard, causing you to lose your balance and grip on your backpack.

“Got somewhere to be?” Heeseung lowly laughs from above you as you blow a tuft of hair from your eyes and straighten up, attempting to steady the jelly- like feeling of your bones. You lift your head to look at him when suddenly the flashing image of his blood stained face fills your mind and temporarily blinds you with shock. You squeeze your eyes shut and blink rapidly, losing your sense of awareness for a quick moment. You finally open your eyes to see his clear tan skin, clean and without a scratch.

“Sorry.” You sheepishly mumble.

The two of you continue to look at one another as you pass, as if you could read eachother’s minds. As your face lingered inside those peculiar eyes, you wondered if he had anything else in store for you later afterschool.

Well, I'm grounded for even longer now since my dad caught me leaving the house. I tried to convince him that I had forgotten something in my car in the midst of an emergency, but he just didn't believe me. Anyway... they've put up missing person posters up for Ki, and it kills me every time I look at them. I get chills thinking about it. I cant help but shake the feeling of remembering Haemin like that. I mean, I'm sure Heeseung had nothing to do this. I mean.. even if… he killed her... he should be in jail, right? Why would he kill her anyway? Did he see her as a threat to our relationship?

A fresh tear drop soaks the corner of your page before you quickly close the weathered cover of your diary. Two sneaker clad feet land upon the floor by your window and inch closer toward your slouched frame in soft hesitant footsteps. You had pushed your diary and pencils aside as you pretend to stretch your arms over your head, diverting the attention off of your seemingly saddened state. The air is quiet when Heeseung approaches from behind and runs his hands down your outstretched arms, a soft laugh spilling from his lips.

“I saw that, you know. Still professing your love for me in that thing?” Your cheeks flush with warmth as you longingly drop your arms across the surface of your desk, his own hands moving down to the base of your neck and across your shoulders.

“Mm.. you wish.” You tease tiredly as the boys fingertips eventually slip from your shoulders before he wanders toward the comfort of your bed, flopping down upon his back and sighing heavily.

“Come over here.”

You try to shake the tangled thoughts pulsating inside your head as you weakly stand to your feet, subtly wiping your eye with the back of your hand to make sure no trace of your emotions were visible. You see the boy’s long frame propped up against your pillows and you crawl toward him, sucking in a long tense breath.

“You know… I was thinking about.. Ki, and…” You begin, your voice soft and hesitant. You had made a yourself a spot across the boys lap to straddle him, in which he had embraced you presence with his bejeweled hands across your thighs and eyes drinking in your exhausted nature.

“…. You know. I was thinking about the day she was last seen.” You take your time to carefully craft your words in a way that didn’t sound accusing. You wanted to admit that the bloodstained vision of Heeseung warped inside your mind all day, leaving yourself stricken with gut wrenching worry that you didn’t have the strength to shake off. You had to be reassured that there was no chance of him doing anything. You had to.

“Mhm…” Heeseung hums attentively, curiously slipping his bottom lip between his teeth.

“And… I was just wondering. Do you remember ever talking to her on that day?” You heart rate slowly accelerates the longer you look into the boy’s slowly contorting eyes, watching the way his eyebrows tightly furrow.

“Why would I talk to her?” Heeseung laughs as if you had told him something absolutely blasphemous. But you on the other hand, weren’t laughing. You watched the way his lips curled upward and the way he flashed those pretty white teeth. You were so confused, so lost inside your head that his face almost left you hypnotized.

“Why do you think I would’ve talked to her…?” Heeseung’s voice lowers after his laughter dies down and your silence envelopes him, leaving him questioning your intentions.

“I…” You begin, the roof of your mouth drying up and leaving you at a loss for words. You were wracking your brain with an excuse for why this question had to suddenly come about.

“Let’s just say… I maybe had a dream last night. And you … potentially… were the one that .. had something to do with her going missing?” You try to keep your voice lighthearted, as if this were just another one of your strange dreams that couldn’t possibly make any sense or have any correlation with real life.

“So you’re asking if I killed her?” Heeseung’s tone is tauntingly low, a dangerous lilt discreetly etched into his voice that makes sweat bead across the back of your neck. His eyes pierce into the back of your skull as you attempt to avert your gaze from him.

“I mean… it’s not a completely outlandish question!” You scowl, impatiently throwing your hands up in the air. “If you didn’t, then there’s no need to get upset about it.”

“Im not upset.” Heeseung’s jaw sets as he continues to watch you, his chest rising with a long dragging inhale. His hands slide up the expanse of your legs and toward your hips, where he positions your body closer against him. “I just didn’t know you had it in you to accuse me of doing something like that.”

“I mean, it’s nothing new to you.” You mumble anxiously, your eyes trailing down the expanse of the boys slowly heaving chest. He laughs darkly at your weak response, a small agitated sigh falling from his lips.

“Yeah, when it’s coming from, I dunno.. everyone else? Not you.”

The phone from downstairs suddenly chirps its digital echoes all the way into the caverns of your room, causing the two of you to flick your heads in its direction. You notice Heeseung hurriedly preparing to get up, and so you quickly climb off of him, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I’ll get it. You can’t answer calls anyway.” Heeseung says with an odd sense of urgency as he makes his way downstairs. You can tell he’s a little on edge after your sudden accusation, making your heart rate increase as you follow him with swift careful footsteps.

You attempt to argue with the boy when you realize that he probably shouldn’t be answering the phone no matter who it is, but he picks it up anyway and brings it to his ear. He doesn’t say anything as he watches you from across the kitchen.

“Hello? Y/N?” You can hear Hani’s faint voice through the receiver as Heeseung holds the phone out for you, his curious gaze tracing your small footsteps and all the way to the telephone. You attempt to take it from his hand, but he instead holds it out for the two of you to listen in, which catches you slightly off guard.

“Hani? Hey. It’s me.” Your voice softly shakes as you curl your sweaty hand around Heeseung’s, holding your ear in close proximity to to the speaker.

“You won’t believe what my dad found in his investigation. He said there was evidence out by the woods behind RedRabbit! They found Ki’s ring!” Hani speaks as if he just won the lottery, the hopeful tinge to his voice causing a lump to form at the pit of your throat and your eyes to gloss over.

“They did?” You smile involuntarily, blinking rapidly to prevent any tears from falling out of your tear ducts. You notice the complete silence surrounding you in the dining room, but shrug it off once Hani speaks once more.

“My dad told me we can go out later and check it out. Maybe see if we recognize anything on the site? I know you’re grounded and all, but maybe your dad will understand!” Your breath hitches in your throat at the boy’s optimistic words. You weren’t quite sure what to say with Heeseung standing here, so quiet and mysterious.

“Um. I can ask him! He’s working super late though so I’m not sure when I’ll get back to you.”

“That’s fine. Just call me when you get the chance!”

Before you can say goodbye, the tall boy hangs the telephone back in its holder and leans his frame against the table, his bottom lip slowly slipping between his teeth.

“You gonna go down to the site later?” He hums in some sort of mocking tone before reaching down to softly cup your chin in the palm of his hand. His thumb brushes against the corner of your mouth as you solemnly shrug.

“Do you… want to?” He asks quietly, bringing your chin toward him and kissing you chastely on the lips. “It’s not like you’ll find anything shocking. The kid probably just wants an excuse to hang around you.”

You pull away from the boy’s distracting mouth and blink up at him, your lips fallen slightly agape. You can see by the way the boy’s eyebrows are confidently raised upon his head that he was sure he knew what Hani was really up to. It made your skin crawl with anger as you brush his hand away, turning on your heel and huffing up the steps.

“Our best friend is gone, Heeseung. You really think Hani has time to have a crush on me?”

[ 10:05 pm ]

Unfortunately, you had no time to call Hani back during the day. Since your father wasn’t going to be home until later that night, Heeseung decided to stay a little longer. And if he was going to be this finicky and protective over you, you needed to call Hani at a time that neither he or your dad were there.

And thankfully, since your dad spent all day at his job, he went to bed relatively early. It was about ten o’clock when he finally said goodnight to you as you pretended to get ready for bed yourself. Once his bedroom door closed however, you secretly dashed downstairs in your long silk pajamas and discreetly dialed Hani’s number.

“Hell… hello?” Hani groggily speaks into the receiver, causing you to mentally celebrate with relief. You were ecstatic that he was awake.

“Hani! Is your dad still out?”

“Yeah… they’re doing a search right now until twelve. Man, I was just about to fall asleep watching this stupid puppet show. And I have the most painful crick in my”—

“Forget that, do you wanna sneak over and take me there? I wanna ask your dad some questions.” You speak in a hushed manner from your huddled spot beside the dining room table, your faded linen tablecloth curtaining your hiding place.

“Yeah. You wanna go right now?” His voice faintly perks up at your sudden idea, tiredness slipping from his body.

“Yeah. But I’ll have to sneak out the window. And you’ll need to use the ladder sitting up against the garage outside. Is that okay?”

[ 11:16 pm ]

“And you see over there? That stretch between the trees about eighty feet away? We found the girl’s ring.” The husky baritone voice of Hani’s father echoes inside your ears as he leans against his knees and looks out into the woods. Once the two of you ooh and ahh at the illuminated spot in the dirt, the man clicks off his flashlight and straightens back up.

There were certain areas of the woods that were blocked off for searching, long strands of police tape warping their way around specific trees and barren patches of land. Hani’s father had spoken previously that although they searched heavily around the area where the ring was found, no other evidence emerged.

“So… Ki was last seen here?” You ask the taller man as the three of you stand on the edge of the RedRabbit cafe parking lot. Your feet hit the edge where the asphalt meets the grass, looking off to a long stretch of forest in front of you.

“Yep. Reports say she got into an altercation with someone, left the place, but she was never seen again after that… So…” The man begins to scratch at his chin as he sighs thoughtfully, looking out though the brisk night air.

“What time did she leave? Were there cameras?” You ask, the wind softly whistling through the trees. You stare up at the man’s faintly illuminated face as he squints into the night and clicks his tongue in thought.

“Left here at about 11:30. We couldn’t really recognize whoever she was yelling at since our cameras aren’t very clear. No one else around them remembers since they were all getting drunk.” The man softly shakes his head as he speaks, earning a small snort from Hani. Hani sucks in a long sharp breath through his nostrils before a shiver softly travels up his spine.

You can tell he’s rattled, uncomfortable. He turns to you with quivering lips and red stained cheeks, dipping his head down to lower his voice when he speaks softly to you.

“You ready to go? I can’t really be out here much longer.”

Interference with his father’s walkie- talkie muffles while the boy somberly speaks. You think to yourself that it probably is time to wrap it up once being snapped out of your emotionless trance.

“Yeah, you two kids should head home. And I better see you asleep when I get back, Hani.”

“Okay.” The boy says as the two of you part from the officer and begin down the parking lot. You knew Heeseung visited RedRabbit almost every night, and so you wondered if he himself knew of the altercation. He said he hadn’t spoken with her at all that day, and if he were there, he honestly probably wouldn’t have. Or maybe he was the one in the altercation. You didn’t know. He could’ve possibly been there at this moment, given it was already nearing eleven. You had briskly swept your eyes across the moonlit parked cars and recognized none of them.

[ 11:15 pm ]

“Do you think Ki could’ve been murdered?” You ask Hani softly as he quietly drives down your neighborhood. He had turned off the radio, probably to save room for his anxious thoughts. He had been chewing on the skin of his bottom lip the entire trip, dark slanted eyes focused on the road in front of him. Hs sucks in a painful tightened breath and purses his lips, drumming his fingers anxiously across his cool leather steering wheel.

“I.. I really hope that’s not the case. I really.. really hope that’s not the case. But.. I mean… would they have killed her in the woods and left her body somewhere else…? That wouldn’t make sense. Right? God, I don’t wanna think about that.”

You swallow thickly as tears begin to glaze across your eyes once more. Seeing the pain stricken in Hani’s eyes made it hard to look at him, hard to speak to him. If Heeseung had anything to do with this situation, it would be all your fault.

It’s quiet the rest of the drive until Hani pulls up to your house. You eye the street around you as he pulls in, the view of Heeseung’s parked car at the end of the road causing your heart to drop all the way to your feet. You stay frozen still when Hani shuts off the engine, leaning his back against his seat and looking to you cautiously.

“I know it’s hard. But. I’ll see you at school, tomorrow?” His voice cracks mid sentence but you pretend not to notice. The only thing clouding your mind was the possibility of Heeseung being in your bedroom at the early hours of the night. You give him a small swift nod before climbing out his car. You wanted to scream for him to stay a little bit longer, just to make sure you’re safe. This whole situation just didn’t sit right with you.

You feel surreal inside your own body as you look up at the metal ladder you left underneath your window before seeing Hani. The window was propped open and it was hard to see through the misted glass. The faint candle light from your bedroom softly illuminated your path as you shakily climbed up the ladder, anxiety rising with each step.

Climbing into your room, you keep your eyes on the floor at first. It’s hard to breathe as you shut the window ever so slightly, trying to save as much time as humanly possible.

“You know, you never wanna sneak out at night with me. I just thought you were too worried about your dad.” Heeseung’s low voice rings out from behind you as you eventually turn around in your spot. He had been laying upon your bed with his arms folded underneath his head. His hair was a disheveled mess , as if it indicated the amount of stress that was pumping through him. He watches as you stand there by the window and eye him in the darkness before he slowly sits up, leaning against his hands.

“Why do you look so scared?” The boy hums, and you can tell he was struggling to keep his voice stable enough for you to hear.

“Did I catch you doing something you weren’t supposed to…?” The boy laughs tauntingly, flicking his chin up to motion you to come closer. You very slowly trudge closer to the boy, your eyes narrowed in on his too- relaxed demeanor. He was putting on a show.

“Why aren’t you at RedRabbit…?” You swallow thickly, pausing your footsteps. You try to keep yourself together by smoothing down your silk pajama shirt and breathing in slowly.

“Maybe I wanted to see you. Is that so wrong?” He groans longingly, swinging his legs over the bed to reach out for you, softly pulling on your button up and pulling you closer to him. You allow him to do whatever he was trying to achieve, his hands encircling your waist. You shakily drape your arms across his board shoulders and size him up.

“Yeah, it kinda is. It’s too late for you to be doing this.” You swallow thickly, your body seizing at the feeling of his warm hands against your bare skin. He had let them travel underneath your top and around your waist.

“It’s also too late for you to be out. But here we are.”

“How… how did you even know I was gonna be out?” You ask cautiously, your voice lowered to a whisper as Heeseung’s eyes glimmer with a sense of twisted amusement.

“I had a hunch.”

“Of course you did.” You suck in a long sharp breath, goosebumps prickling across the surface of your skin. “Heeseung… do you know something about Ki’s disappearance that you’re not telling me?”

You can tell Heeseung’s facade is slowly fading, his tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek. He’s looking up at you firmly, his hands pressed into the skin of your waist. It was as if he were trying to put together his words.

“Were you at RedRabbit with her the night she went missing?” You whisper softly after a few tense moments of silence.

“Even if I was… I wouldn’t remember anything. I was drinking.” His eyes shift away from your face and land somewhere else on your body. You watch the way his Addams apple bobs as he swallows thickly, his eyebrows lowering in intensity.

“And I’m not the only one here that should be being questioned.” The boy slowly stands to his feet as he speaks, his hands still tightly wound across your waist. He sucks in a long shaking breath and dips his head in the direction of your neck. You can feel his short breaths against your skin as you stand there frozen.

“Tell me what you were doing with Hani. And why you’re sneaking out without telling me.”

His words are dangerously low inside your ear as your vision blurs with adrenaline. You try to keep your balance by grasping onto his biceps, not bothering to worry about how he was going to interpret the action.

“Tell me what you were doing at RedRabbit that night. Cause I know you were there. If you can remember my drunken responses, then you can remember your drunken actions.”

A laugh trickles into the hollow pit of your ear as you speak carefully, his fingernails softly traveling up the curve your spine. You shiver at his slow touches, fingertips digging into the fabric of his sweater.

“Mm.. fine. You go first.” His lips carefully graze the shell of your ear as you attempt to swallow down the feeling of your heart pulsating inside your throat.

“I was with Hani down at the site. Talked with his dad. That’s all we did.” Heeseung’s hands pause at your lower back once you finish speaking. He very slowly lifts his head from your neck to look into your eyes, struggling to open you up.

“This late at night, huh?”

“What did you think we were doing? You can go fucking ask him yourself!” You scowl before attempting to push the boy away from you, your hands gripping his shoulders. Heeseung doesn’t move an inch as he watches you struggle to let go. His jaw is set as he licks his lip with a quick agitated swipe.

“You know what? I just might.” And with that, he lets you go with a quick shrug and makes his way out of your window in a quick haste. Your body jolts in adrenaline as you stumble to gather your balance and quickly trail after him.

“What are you doing?! Are you going to hurt him?!” You shout helplessly, stumbling toward the window to see the ladder slowly clattering to the ground. Heeseung had pushed it over to keep you from leaving as he trudged furiously to his car. You didn’t want to cause enough commotion to stir your father, and so you swing your leg over the windowsill.

You had trouble comprehending just what exactly you were doing when you jumped out of your window. The view from up there didn’t look as high as it really was, and you soon realized when you fell hard against your side and rolled a few inches off the grass. Something sharp had dragged its trail across the length of your hand when you fell, causing blood to slowly trickle down your arm. You gasped in sudden pain and winced as you struggled to get up. Your feet moved before you had to time to process anything. All you had to do was stop Heeseung.

“Stop! Please! Don’t hurt him!” You scream, finally catching up to him and shoving him harshly against a nearby tree. He winces in pain when his back slams against the trunk, but it doesn’t weaken him. His eyes are emotionless as you struggle to hold him back, the oozing blood staining his shirt and parts of his face.

He finally pushes you off but you refuse to let him go. You both were a few feet away from his car, and so you had grabbed onto his arms and pushed him up against the side of his windshield, tears spilling from your eyes.

“What, are you gonna kill him?” You cry, salty tears blurring your vision. The boy refused to speak up as he gave in to your frantic clawing, chest heaving up and down with heavy breaths. He had rested his sweaty head up against the car and squeezed his eyes shut, your blood staining the side of his neck and the line of his jaw.

“You killed Ki, didn’t you?” Your voice grows quiet, wavering with every word. Heeseung’s black eyes glisten against the moonlight as he finally snaps, his emotions taking over him.

“Okay. You want the truth? She… she told me she was going to take you away from me.” He finally breathes out, his voice hoarse and tightened. He takes a few more moments to catch his breath, struggling to contain his emotions.

“She.. she was fucking drunk and she was .. spitting in my face. And she… she kept trying to keep you from me. She did all that shit to you to keep. You. From. Me.” Heeseung’s voice raises with every word, almost spitting every syllable in your face. You were too busy trying to reel in the flood of tears pouring out of your sockets, your legs on the verge of giving out underneath you. You hung your head against his chest to keep yourself upright, the smell of metal singing your nose hairs.

“You.. you lied to me…” You whisper, not caring if your tears and snot were staining his clothes. You could feel his arms wrapping around you in a tightened embrace, his palms running slowly up and down your back.

“I’m sorry…” He sighs roughly, reaching up to grip the fabric of your shirt into his fists. “I’m sorry okay? I had to… I fucking had to.”

He was mumbling senselessly into your neck and it was driving you insane as you finally slithered out of his overpowering embrace and slapped him hard in the face, droplets of blood flying through the air.

“You’re insane. I’m calling the police.” You struggle to swallow the flaming ball of fire that was traveling up your swollen throat as you attempted to weakly make it across the grass. Heeseung had wailed some kind of plea before desperately pulling you by your arm, swinging you against his body.

“No you’re not.” His voice pierces through your neck as you struggle to escape his grip, squirming frantically in your liminal space. You thought about screaming out into the neighborhood and leading the cops right over here, but nothing could leave your throat. It felt like sand inside your mouth as the boy’s alarmingly soft words feathered into your ears like an eery lullaby.

“I warned you that I’d scare you away. And you still wanted me. And what? Now I’m too insane for you? No. No.” Heeseung laughs loudly against your ear and it makes you shiver with goosebumps. None of this would have happened if you decided to leave Ki’s spellbook where it was. She wouldn’t have been dead, either.

You make the attempt to elbow him hard in his bicep, causing him to spit a slew of expletives as he jerks his arm back and let’s you go. You make a run for it until he reaches to claw at your shoulder, causing you to stumble and trip hard against the wilted grass.

You watch in horror as the boy crawls over you, blood streaming down the side of his cheek. Everything seems to click in place as you lay there paralyzed against the ground, your eyes widening in terror. You prayed he wouldn’t go for your throat.

“I love you,” He had stuttered out weakly, staring longingly into your eyes, as if searching for the old parts of you that still wanted him. He knew it was over for you, which made him struggle to grapple the reality of the situation.

“No you don’t,” You breathe weakly from your spot in the dirt, the grass tickling the back of your head as you loll it from side to side. “You don’t really love me. I did all of this. This is all my fault.”

“Are you fucking stupid?” The frantic boy spits, splotches of blood staining the corner of his mouth. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me?! I’m… killing people for you.”

“That’s not love! That’s psychotic!”

“…Which reminds me.” The boy suddenly climbs off of you to stumble back toward his car, suddenly realizing just what he was out here for. Hani.

“Call me a psycho, I don’t care. That boy’s not gonna touch you.”

There was nothing you could do to stop him. If you did try to stop him again, it could last all night. All you could do now was to get to the phone.

Time was moving in slow motion as Heeseung’s car dragged down the street. You felt like you were going to vomit as you tried to maneuver the heavy metal ladder back against your window. You knew the front door was most likely locked, so you could only get through the small square in your bedroom wall.

You knew Hani’s dad probably wasn’t home yet, and as you raced downstairs to the telephone, you could only pray that the police would make it before Heeseung could get there. Oh, how you prayed.

I mean, I don’t know what to think. it is my own fault for staying with him this long. I might as well deal with the consequences. This is what I get for testing the universe. I mean, although Heeseung turned out to be crazy, he did get one thing right. Sometimes fantasizing in the safest way out. And honestly, I think I was more obsessed with the idea of him, not the actual person. I mean, I should have seen it coming when I found the journal. But back then, who was I to judge? Me and him were both a little crazy at the time. I had my own Bible and he had his own… weird… version. But when’s it’s me who’s the god in this situation? That’s a lot of weight to put on a young girl’s shoulders. But then again, what’s worse? Testing God, Fearing God, or being a god?

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