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“Hey, Heather.”
Heather McNamara turned around, glancing at Heather Duke. “Hey, what’s up?”
Those three words seemingly spurred Duke into a talking frenzy, and no one could save McNamara as she started to rant.
“Oh my God, I’ve had enough of Heather and Veronica fucking pining over each other! It was funny at first but it’s not funny anymore, oh my GOD! The next time I have to see Veronica write ‘Dear diary, whenever Heather Chandler tells another boy to piss off, my pussy starts tingling with excitement’ or ‘Dear diary, Heather Chandler is perfect in every way and I love her hips’ I will kill a man, Heather. I’ve had ENOUGH of them pining over each other like idiots!”
McNamara coughed. “Yeah, but-“
“And don’t even get me started on Heather! She’s even worse! Now whenever she sees a boy she will unleash her fucking Kaioken on them-“
“I didn’t know you read Dragon Ball Z, Heather.”
“Oh my God, shut up, Heather! That’s not the point! Now it’s as if someone burnt Heather’s toast every day… and that someone is Veronica fucking Sawyer. If this keeps going on I will lose it, Heather. We need to get them together.” Duke finished, and McNamara noticed a certain fire in her eyes, her fists balled and her teeth clenched.
“Uhh… okay?” McNamara offered, and Duke huffed.
“Any ideas? To get those two oblivious fuckers together?”
“Why not we organise a dinner date for them?”
Duke played with her fingers, thinking. “No… they’d only go if we were there. Just because, you know, they both refuse to admit their feelings.”
“Yeah… How about we trap them in a closet?”
“Ugh, no! That’s gnarly! They’re gonna end up fucking, Heather! It won’t end well!”
McNamara grimaced, before whispering under her breath and Duke flinched.
“What the fuck, Heather?!”
McNamara blushed. “They’d be cute together! Just imagine, Heather and Veronica, licking ice cream and doing romantic things…”
Duke sneered. “More like Veronica licking Heather’s clit, am I right? Oh, God, this is hell…” McNamara sighed and the two sat in silence for a while, before a thought popped into Duke’s head and she jumped up excitedly.
And with a spring in their step, Heather Duke and Heather McNamara got out of the toilet, striding back to their table.
-
Dear Diary: Oh, God, this is so awkward… why did Heather and Heather have to leave me with Heather? I need to stop looking at Heather that way! Okay, I may have a raging crush on her, but that does not mean that-
“Veronica?” Heather Chandler snapped her fingers, and Veronica Sawyer was jolted back to a very hot reality. Red started forming on her cheeks, but she shoved it down and pulled herself together.
“What’s your damage, Heather?” She snapped back.
Chandler frowned. “Who the fuck pissed in your cereal, Veronica? Ugh, don’t pop a tampon, I was just gonna take your fries if you didn’t want them.”
Veronica stiffened. “But my fries-“
Chandler looked Veronica dead in the eyes, and started batting her eyelashes flirtatiously, twirling her hair with one finger. “Fries, Veronica?” Miraculously, the blonde didn’t even notice the brunette blushing furiously.
Wordlessly, Veronica passed Chandler her fries, watching the latter shoot her one last grin before popping them into her mouth and making a big show of chewing them. She rolled her eyes at this sight, and went back to writing.
-she likes me back. Heather Chandler would never fall for a greasy little nobody like me; she said it herself! All I am to the Heathers is just a forger that gets them out of class and shit. I don’t think that she thinks of me any more than she thinks of anyone else- hell, even Duke and McNamara! They have been friends since god knows how long- okay, maybe not Duke because of the ‘shut up’ bullshit but what chance do I have over someone like McNamara?
She slammed her diary shut in frustration, shoving it a little too hard on the table, and behind her, both Duke and McNamara jumped in unison. She turned around in horror, finding the both of them standing there.
“Jesus! How long have you guys been there?!”
McNamara started fumbling for an answer but Duke stepped in. “We just got back. Veronica, I’m going to need a forgery in this handwriting.” She dragged Veronica aside, leaving an irate Chandler sitting alone, and slammed a homework assignment on a neighbouring table, and Veronica couldn’t help but notice how familiar the handwriting looked, but nodded slowly.
“Okay?”
Duke and McNamara grinned, the former continuing. “Alright, so I want you to write this… Hello, beautiful. I’ve known you for a while and I never had the courage to ever talk to you, but I’ve had enough of this pretending. Whenever I think about you, my nipples-“
McNamara lightly slapped Duke’s arm, but Duke didn’t stop. “-feel so hard and I’d want nothing more than your tongue on them. Whenever I see you unleash your bitchiness- hey, Veronica, what’s your damage?!” The girl in blue had stopped writing, red creeping up her cheeks. Duke and McNamara knew exactly why this was happening, trying to hold in their laughter and doing it successfully.
“N-nothing! Just… aaah, shit. Continue.”
“-I can’t help but feel several shivers down my spine. I would fight for you if you would fight for me. Sincerely, Me.”
Veronica signed off the letter, still flustered but bewildered. “Who’s this for, anyways?”
Duke grimaced but this time, McNamara stepped in. “So, uh, Fabian, one of the country club kids really likes Courtney, and I’m going to give this to her.”
Veronica hesitated. “Isn’t that a little mean? Cmon, you’re bigger than this…”
Duke rolled her eyes. “Stop pulling on my dick, Veronica! You hate them and you know it!”
Veronica shrugged, handing the letter over to her. “Fine.”
They went back to their normal table, Chandler narrowing her eyes warily at the other two Heathers, who were laughing and giggling amongst themselves.
“The fuck’s so funny?!” Chandler demanded.
Duke and McNamara broke out into hysterical sobs, their laughter bouncing off the four walls of the cafeteria. Eventually, their laughter died down and they composed themselves.
Duke spoke up, still slightly fumbling on her words. “Okay, so, we’re gonna end slavery.”
Chandler rolled her eyes. “What?”
McNamara giggled. “What she meant to say is, we’re going to change the world.”
“Are you high?!”
Duke stuttered hurriedly while signalling for McNamara to look over at Veronica. “Uh… um… we’ll tell you later, it isn’t very urgent.”
“Shut up, Heather! I want to know now!”
She grimaced. “You know, I can’t exactly tell you anything if you want me to shut up, but sorry, Heather.”
All this while, Veronica was blushing furiously and McNamara was trying not to start laughing again.
-
“Okay, school’s over, what the fuck happened at lunch?!” Chandler yelled, and Duke recoiled while McNamara passed her a certain letter.
“Um… Veronica wanted you to have this.”
Chandler practically tore open the letter, eyes widening as she scanned its contents.
“Oh…? Oh… Oh my God… err… STOP LAUGHING!”
Duke and McNamara were laughing harder than they ever had before, and they thanked their lucky stars that Veronica was in the toilet. Feeling Chandler’s gaze on theirs, they both tried their best to calm down, taking deep breaths before shooting each other furtive looks. Chandler clutched the letter in one hand, reading it over and over again, her face turning the color of her blazer over time. Eventually, her face looked as if it was going to spontaneously combust, and just in time, Veronica stepped out of the toilet, looking at the two Heathers before peering at Chandler, and noticing the letter in her hand before her jaw dropped in horror.
She practically marched towards Duke, but before she could do anything, Chandler spoke up. “I-is this true? Veronica, do you really…”
Veronica Sawyer froze in place, unable to respond until Chandler snapped her fingers in front of her face. “What the fuck, Veronica?”
Veronica bit her lip. “Heather, I…”
Chandler’s eyes widened. “You’re not fucking with me, right?”
“I… have feelings for you, Heather.”
The blonde’s jaw dropped. “I… I like you too, Veronica.”
They both stood there, lost in each others’ gazes before leaning in for a kiss. Duke ran her hand through her hair agitatedly while McNamara nervously chuckled.
“You know what? This may be even worse than before I made Veronica write that letter-“
“You did WHAT?!” Chandler and Veronica turned around, the former filled with fury and the latter filled with annoyance. Duke, too, started to chuckle nervously.
“N-nothing! Sorry, Heather!”
McNamara had an evil glint in her eye as she pulled Duke into a headlock, but the girl in green couldn’t find the strength to get out of it. Instead, she retorted. “You traitor, Heather! After what we did-“
“Let’s kick her ass!” Chandler bellowed, and Duke grimaced, McNamara yelled “For Chansaw!” and Veronica chuckled at the wild sight. Chandler whipped her head around, looking at McNamara, bewildered.
“What in the flying fuck is Chansaw?!”