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As I walked down the terminal, seeing the different people bustling around and hearing all the different languages being spoken, I feel a bit of that happiness that I feel like I have been missing, come back. I walk to the baggage claim for the plane I just surfaced from, and watch as bag after bag goes by waiting for a familiar cat sticker on my bag. I can’t help but smile thinking about Mei, an 8-year-old kid giving it to me when I felt especially homesick and even more missing him. She said that it would make me feel better since stickers always made her feel better. I sigh as finally, that familiar sticker comes into view, and I pick it up.
As I look up at the signs to decide which way I want to go, I look at the options. There is the train that will make things faster, then directions to get taxis by the airport and decide, no, I don’t want to do either of those. I decide to walk to the entrance and exit of the airport and decide to at least get on the tram that will take me outside the airport. I tell the driver my stop and fall into a seat after putting my bag in the front, and decide to call one of the few people I kept in contact with from here. The phone rings telling me it’s still connecting until I hear a familiar voice.
I right away say Hello, and then he responds with a ‘Hey, wait one second.’ I can hear the shuffling of feet of shoes on a floor and then an opening and closing of a door. Then finally hear more of a response, “Hey, sorry about that. Are you at the airport? I can come to pick you up.” I smile at how much care there is in his voice. Then worriedly he calls, “Pob? Are you there, are you okay?”
I nod my head forgetting that we are on the phone and then vocalize, “Yes, and No I don’t need a ride. I am on my way to the outskirts of the airport and then planning to go to the school.”
I hear him sigh, “Are you sure that you don’t want a ride, it’s not too bad of a walk, but a little bit.”
I laugh a little and can’t help the smile on my face, “Yes I am sure, I don’t want him to find out quite yet. He doesn’t know I am coming back early. So, I don’t want him to get suspicious of his brother just suddenly driving somewhere.”
I hear the worry but understanding in his voice as he says, “Well whatever you want, we are all at the school now. If you want it to be a surprise wait near the entrance of the basketball gym and I will meet you there.” I think he is going to hang up, but then he says, “Pob, I consider you a friend and like a brother or more like a brother-in-law.” I laugh at the smirk that I know is on his face, “Though, he is my brother, I need to know what you want with him. I just want to protect my brother, and I need to make sure you won’t hurt Leon.”
I smile at the love and care in his voice and think for a second, so I can be as honest as possible. Then I know exactly what I am going to say, “I want him in my life, no matter what stage it is. I will be friends with him, or even just acquaintances with him if that is what he wants. I love him Leo, and I know I need to have him in my life, so I would do anything to have that. I would hope to be more again, boyfriends would be the best, but I would understand if he can’t. All I know is that I need him somewhere in my life.”
He laughs lightly and then says, “That is what I hoped you would say. Okay, so let me know when you get here. Bye, I have to go, if you don’t that person to find out.” I respond with my goodbye and then hear him hanging up and set down my phone and then realize I am at my stop, so I get off the bus with my bag.
As I start on my journey I take out my headphones and look down at my phone smiling the whole time. Leo was something unexpected to get in my life, and on my side at that, when I left two years ago to follow my dreams. I was planning to still have Leon’s number on my phone for when I felt ready to talk again, but otherwise only a few other people. I wanted to leave and not have the people with whom I found friendship, to remind me of what makes me the most homesick. Though that all changed when I got a text from a number I didn’t know, two weeks into my being there.
<3 — FLASHBACK — <3
I was in my classroom when I felt a vibration from my phone and looked down and saw a lengthy message from a number I didn’t know. I decide to just see what it was so opened it.
‘Hey this is Leo, I just wanted to give you my number before you left, but couldn’t. So, I decided that I would contact you before you ask I still had your phone number saved from when you asked for help with your old orphanage. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I am here to talk to you about anything. I know how hard it is to be away from the people that you love and your home for a significant amount of time. I was lucky in that I had a shorter amount of time, but still. So, I am here if you want updates on what is going on here if you want to talk about what is going on there, or anything else. This is me just wanting to be there for you, but I wanted to give you the choice. You can delete this number, never text me back, I won’t be mad, or you can reply and have somebody there for you. It can start with little things or big things, this is all up to you.
It took me a few days to think of the perfect response, but I knew I couldn’t let this opportunity go. Without me saying anything he promised that he wouldn’t tell Leon about our conversations unless I wanted him to. Sometimes it was little things, it was just me complaining about a coworker or how much I missed fresh water. Then I started asking about the people there, and he would just say little things about how people were doing or just random updates. However then one day it got deeper, I remember I was so homesick and needed to know more, so after the fourth time Leo seemed to go around the full truth about how Leon is doing, I snapped. I texted him saying, ‘I need you, to be honest with me, and please tell me everything. No matter what the information is.’ I remember him just replying, ‘Can we call?’
Right away without thinking any more about it, I push the green button to call the number. He answers with a hello, seeming to be a bit surprised about me calling even when he was the one asking for the call. Though then he said, “I am sorry for not being fully honest I just didn’t know how much you wanted to know about him.”
I sighed trying not to get too mad about it, since he is right I never told him that when I said I want to know everything, I meant Leon. So, after taking a deep breath I say, “I understand, I just need to know about him. He is the person I miss the most, but I think because of that I want to know how he is doing and what he is doing even more. Please promise to be fully honest with me about everything, but especially when it comes to him.”
He just apologizes again and then says, “Okay, well to be honest he is not doing that well, he kind of has been having a slump in life ever since you left. I would have told you, I just didn’t want you to feel like I was guilting you or anything.”
I remember smiling and then saying, “Okay tell me more details, so I can try to see if I can help.”
Right away he started talking about how Leon started going back to his old ways, no hookups or being with anyone sexually or romantically at all, but other things. He talked about how he started partying again and not doing as well in school. He says, “You know he got an 80 on his last exam,” I sigh, knowing that even though it doesn’t sound like a bad thing, but for anyone close to Leon, you know it is. That is one thing he is good at, he always does everything to get good grades. Even having lower than 95 is failing to him, because he has his own goals and dreams he wants to fulfill, and as he said to me, ‘and that does not include bad grades.’ I listen as Leo continues, “I just worry about him, even Fiat is worrying about him, and I don’t want things to get worse. Do you have any idea how I can help?”
I sighed and knew he would not like what I was going to tell him, but I had to do it, “Leo, I have an idea, but you won’t like it.” Of course, he right away responds with an enthusiastic, ‘Please tell me.’ So, I think about my next words, “Here is the thing, I know you want to, but you can’t help him. I know you want to, but as we both know, when he came back to Thailand he wanted to be different from what he was like before. He had goals and dreams and wanted to follow through with them. Yes, he came across as the stereotypical player, but he never played with anyone's feelings, and he wanted more out of life. I was so happy with him and would have and still would do anything for his happiness. However, he needs to get back to his goals by himself, if he doesn’t do it by himself, it will take him longer. I know it’s hard, but it’s what he needs right now. Just be a good brother to him.”
He says that he will take my advice and then luckily I got another call from him, a couple of days later saying that things were better now and thanking me for my advice. This also was when I texted Leon saying, ‘I love you, and I want you to be happy, please don’t do anything to screw up your happiness. I would love to talk when you can.’ As expected, he enthusiastically took the opportunity to talk.
<3 — END OF FLASHBACK – <3
Since then, I always talk to Leo, and he is like a brother to me, funnily enough, I always feel like he is an older brother to me even though I am the older one. Also, Leon and I started to become friends again with flirty banter but never stating out if we are more. Though secretly whenever somebody asks in the town I was staying in, I call him my boyfriend. Honestly, to me, he never stopped being, as well as, there is a lot of hope that he feels the same.
I get myself out of my thoughts when I recognize that the gym building is in front of me. I smile at it and take out my earbuds as I pull out my phone to text Leo that I am here. As I look around and sit down smiling, feeling so happy that I am back home. I forgot how much I missed it here, then remember the reason I came back. I frown slightly, knowing that I didn’t waste the last two years being there, but I won’t be going back. When I first applied for the job and even when I left two years ago I did it because it was always my dream to help kids who are suffering. Though a couple of months ago when I got that job offer from that underprivileged elementary school back by my home, I couldn’t help myself from excitingly taking it. Yes, I will never regret following that dream, but am so happy to be back home again. Also, who says I am not still following my dream, it’s just in a different way.
Apparently, I have been in my thoughts for at least ten minutes because I look up to see Leo running over to me. I smile so much, and he smiles back hugging me. I laugh a little, and he says, “It’s weird seeing you in person, all I do is hear your voice, it’s great to see that you are doing well. Now let's go surprise my brother, oh and by the way nobody knows you are back today not even Fiat.” I laugh and smile, thinking I will be surprising a lot of people then. I walk behind him as he leads me to the gym after we bring my suitcase to his car. As we get there I hear some voices, most of them I know as Fiat, Leo, and Leon’s friends. Oh, and also what sounds like Leon and Leo’s parents. I take a deep breath and follow behind as he goes through the doors. I see them all goofing around as a couple of the basketball team practices, but then as Leo walks in and Fiat turns, probably to ask where his boyfriend went. He sees me and at first is shocked then he looks so genuinely happy and makes a gesture for me to be quiet and then yells out, “Hey Leon, I think you have a fan here.” That is when I see that one of the guys playing basketball is Leon as he turns with confusion.
I try to stay quiet as he turns and then looks at Leo confused and then finally catches my eyes and his jaw drops. I smile nervously, and he just stands there for a second with his jaw open which of course gets everyone else’s attention in the room. Then I feel a lot of people staring at me smiling and then looking at Leon, seeming to wonder what is going to happen next. Luckily it doesn’t take too long to get Leon moving toward me, after blinking his eyes a couple of times. Then as he gets to me, he pokes my arm, probably to see if I am really here. Then he smiles, so blindingly I almost look away and then feel as he wraps me into a hug and giggles while he slightly lifts me off my feet. This feels like every part of my happiness that was missing for the last two years is back. I feel like every pain that I have felt over the last two years has disappeared because I am back home, and my home is this wonderful person. My home is Leon, and I am finally back home.