Work Text:
Dean and Cas thought they were sooo sly. Sooo good at keeping secrets. They didn’t know how wrong they were. So Sam had decided to keep track of how many times he caught them ‘just fixin’ the car Sammy, jeez’ or ‘just foldin’ clothes, what does it look like?’ or, maybe one of the most outrageous ones: ‘Cas doesn’t know how to take a shower Sam! I’m just helping him out, it’s what friends do.’ Yeah. Sure, just ‘dudes being dudes.’ No. No no no no no no NO. It had to stop.
Sam didn’t give a flying fuck if Dean was fucking his angel. Hell it was about time. But what he couldn’t stand, absolutely could not stand, was the fucking ‘sneaking around’. Because they were terrible at it. If they were good it would be one thing. But they were so bad that Sam almost wondered if they just wanted an audience. Which was gross, but that was just how terrible they were at sneaking around.
So get this, Sam had a plan. He was going to record every time he witnessed their ‘sneaking around’ or the result of it. And then he was going to show his observations to Dean.
Day 1 recording my observations of what I like to call ‘Destiel in their natural state of loud and obnoxious and terrible at sneaking around’
Dear Diary,
Just had breakfast. Dean wiped jelly off of Cas’s face with his thumb and then sucked on his fucking thumb like he was a porn star. Ugh. Pretty sure Cas popped a boner right there at the table.
Well I was doing research in the library but one of the bookshelves just moved a few inches and there’s panting sounds coming from behind it. I’m scared to look but I’m also scared that if I don’t make myself known they might tip the bookshelf over on me.
Okay, so apparently coughing like you swallowed a bowling ball does not phase former angels or certain hunters when in heat.
I dropped a dictionary, nothing.
Knocked a chair over, now that did something. The panting sounds stopped and then I heard, very clearly, “Do you think Sam’s down here?” “Maybe… but I don’t think he can hear anything. We’re behind a bookshelf.”
I decided to make myself very clearly known at that point, since apparently Dean thinks bookshelves are soundproof. But, because I’m a nice, non-jerk person, I didn’t want to embarrass them so I stood up and reentered, shouting, “Hey guys! are you down here? I was gonna do some research.”
So somehow the legs of the research table snapped. No one’s owning up to it but I know that they tried to have sex on it.
Day 2
Dear Diary,
I’ve been looking all over the bunker for Dean and Cas for the past twenty minutes. Maybe they’re actually getting better at sneaking around.
I found Cas in the dryer. They were playing hide and seek because Cas has never played it before and Dean insisted it was an essential human experience. He apparently did not explain however not to hide in something that could kill you!
Found Dean. He had taken all the racks out of the oven and squeezed himself into it. So apparently neither of them knew that you’re not supposed to hide in lethal places. Btw, I found Dean because he was giggling uncontrollably, he was so excited about his hiding spot.
They both had also forgotten that one of them was supposed to count. They would have died if it weren’t for me.
We had a movie night. Cas fell asleep on Dean’s arm and Dean didn’t shake him off. He always shakes me off, jerk.
Dean also carried Cas, bridal style, to his bed because, ‘the little guy needs his sleep Sammy! Don’t make a big deal out of it.’
Dean never came back out of Cas’s room.
Day 3
Dear Diary,
I wonder if they think that the bunker walls are soundproof? Still haven’t emerged from Cas’s room yet, btw.
They emerged from their den of iniquity around noon. They didn’t even bother to shower. And they wouldn’t stop grinning at each other over their cereal. I mean yeah, it was cute, but also, UUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
It’s getting ridiculous, I’ve been researching truth spells all day. On the floor, since our table is now legless.
There’s a weird dent in the fridge. I’m not sure if this is just a result of Castiel’s newfound clumsiness or something way grosser.
I just walked into the laundry room to find Cas shirtless with his hands tied behind his back. He tried to talk his way out of it. Yeah, I know. He told me a ghost did it. Dean walked in then, red as a brick and immediately agreeing with Cas and untying him.
We’re researching ghosts that could be haunting the bunker now.
Dean and Cas did a ritual to call the ghost out. Surprise, surprise, nothing happened.
They finally ‘called it a night’ and agreed to do some more research tomorrow. Cas suggested it might just be a friendly ghost, like in the movie they had watched, Casper. Dean agreed with him even though they all knew there were no such things as ‘friendly ghosts’.
They could have just admitted to being kinky little freaks. But no, they’re both so goddamn stubborn they made up a ghost that went around tying people up and stripping them.
Day 4
Dear Diary,
Dean’s been teaching Cas how to tune up Baby. I walked into the garage to see if they wanted lunch and Dean was teaching him by pressing his entire front to his backside and bending them both over the engine. I guess the only way Dean knows how to teach is by using his student as a human puppet.
Cas was just sitting on the hood when I came back in. Dean was standing between his legs. When he saw me he immediately started telling Cas very loudly how to change the windshield wipers but didn’t move.
They both fell asleep on the couch after dinner. Cas is the big spoon.
Day 5
Dear Diary,
I can’t find them. Oh god I hope they haven’t killed themselves playing hide and seek.
Found them, don’t worry, not in a dryer or oven. They were gardening. They both had mud all over them but they looked like they were having fun. They really are adorable. Dean would turn so red if I said that out loud. He’d do the thing where he gets all flustered and nothing that comes out of his mouth makes any sense. He’d probably get so flustered he’d retort by saying something like, “Well… you’re adorable! So, there!”
There’s a weird stain on the kitchen table. I really hope they didn’t try to have table sex again.
They’re showering after their mud fight in the garden. I mean the shower area is kind of communal, so they could be in separate stalls. But they’re not.
They’re singing a duet. Oh my god. It’s Aladdin. It’s Aladdin. They’re singing It’s a Whole New World and Dean is Jasmine.
Cas is wearing Dean’s Led Zeppelin shirt that he NEVER lets ANYONE use. I mean never. He almost skinned me alive when I tried to borrow it once. If that ain’t true love I don’t know what is.
I was wrong. Dean just let Cas finish his pie. Now THAT is true love. I think I might have gaped a little too much though. Dean rolled his eyes at me about a million times and did this stupid little shrug he does when he’s embarrassed.
Day 6
Dear Diary,
So Cas accidentally touched a cursed object. Don’t worry! Not deadly, at least not for him. He was cursed with an uncontrollable urge to cuddle the first person he saw after touching the object. Why this would be a curse I have no idea. And I now have Cas basically glued to me, apologizing profusely while Dean tries to murder me with his eyes. I told them both I was recording the symptoms of the curse as they progress… for science. Yeah I know lame excuse but I couldn’t exactly tell Dean I was writing all my Destiel observations in a friggin’ diary. At least not yet.
Cas is now sitting in my lap nuzzling my neck with his frickin’ scruffy ass beard. I have no clue why Dean would enjoy this. But he’s VERY jealous. I know I’m his brother, and he’s literally killed people for me… sold his soul for me… but I think he’s right about strangle me. If you’re reading this and I’m dead… my name is Sam Winchester and my brother did it.
Dean tried to literally pry Cas off of me. I told him I was pretty sure it was just a 24 hour thing but he insisted: ‘We have to try something Sammy! I mean he can’t just cuddle you all night!’ Cas of course, did his best to hold on to his dignity during the whole ordeal and responded calmly: ‘Dean. You’re being ridiculous, the curse will wear off in 24 hours. Dean. Dean! Dean stop that! Dean I can’t let go! No I need it! Dean stop trying to pull me off of Sam I need him!’ Long awkward pause where Dean pants and laments how out of shape he is that he can’t pull his sort of scrawny boyfriend off his brother and Cas realizes how weird he just sounded. ‘That was all the curse talking. Sam, I do not need you.’
We took the couch, because Dean thought it would be inappropriate to share a bed. Cas gave him a quizzical look, probably because the two of them so often shared a bed, but Dean gave him a look that told him under no uncertain terms to shut up about that. But please, it’s not like I’m the one that wants to bone Cas. Sharing a bed with him would be just like sharing a bed with Dean when they were younger. But Dean insisted so now me and Cas are stuck camped out on our lumpy couch. Sigh.
Day 7
Dear Diary,
I woke up when Cas shoved me off the couch. That was how we knew the curse was broken. He immediately rushed off to tell Dean and they were hugging in the kitchen when I found them.
So this is the last day of my observations. Dean seems grateful that Cas is no longer glued to me. In fact I haven’t seen them since this morning. They’re probably having weird ‘you’re mine and nobody else’s’ sex that I want to know nothing about.
Goddamnit. The legs on one of the kitchen chairs is snapped. STOP HAVING SEX ON FURNITURE THAT CAN’T SUPPORT YOUR COMBINED WEIGHT DEAN!!
Just walked into the kitchen and immediately back out. Cas was sucking honey off of Dean’s fingers.
Even when they’re having sex there is SO MUCH sexual tension. Or maybe that’s just like, foreplay energy. I don’t know, is that a thing? I need to stop standing in the near distance when they stare at each other. Every time it happens I just *looks right at the camera like in the office*.
Cas and Dean were out gardening again. Cas cut his finger on a rose bush. The way Dean’s mother-henning over him though you’d think he’d broken his arm. He bandaged it for him and kissed his hand. Again, Dean, when you read this, YOU TWO ARE ADORABLE I DON’T CARE HOW BIG AND MANLY YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU ARE ADORABLE. You need to know. I hope this PSA, courtesy of your brother, Sam Winchester, has taken you down a peg.
So, Dean. You might be pissed when you first read this. And I would usually abhor the invasion of privacy. Except I did not invade your privacy. This has all happened in front of, around, or to me. I know. Okay? I know, and you have my blessing or whatever. I love you guys, seriously. So stop pretending that is some big secret or whatever. You don’t need to. I’m not Dad, I don’t care that Cas is a dude Dean. But please, please, please, get me soundproof headphones.
Sam shut his diary and stood up from the big comfy library chair he had been curled up in. He strode across the room and dropped his diary onto Dean’s lap. Dean looked up from his seat on the couch with a confused expression.
“Sammy? I thought I told you I didn’t wanna join your book club.” He finally looked down and picked up the book in his lap. He flipped it open to the first page, and as expected, looked pissed off. “Sam, what the hell-”
“Dean,” Sam cut him off. “I’m going to my room. Just read it, and come find me when you’re done.”
Dean chewed his lip as he thought on it. “Dude, is this your diary?”
Ugh, leave it to Dean to completely ignore what’s actually in the diary. “Dean. Read it. Find me.”
About an hour later there was a soft knock on Sam’s door before it was pushed open to reveal a bashful looking Dean.
“So uh, you knew?”
Sam nodded. Dean rubbed the back of his neck and avoided meeting Sam’s empathetic gaze.
“Well… thanks, Sammy.” He finally looked up to meet Sam’s eyes and he did look grateful. He was even tearing up a little. “I didn’t know how you would take it I guess. It was stupid to try and sneak around and uh…” he laughed a little, a blush painting his cheeks. “Sorry we’re so bad at it.”
Cas poked his head into the doorway then. Wearing the same grateful and bashful expression as Dean. “Yes, Sam, thank you for accepting our relationship. Dean was afraid you might not understand. I always believed it was well within your realm of understanding though.” He gave Sam a little smile, and Sam couldn’t help but return it with a grin.
“Of course, you guys. To be honest it’s been a long time coming.”
“Oh, and we are NOT adorable.”
Sam just rolled his eyes, there was no point in arguing with his brother.
“And we will make sure to get you those soundproof headphones so that you don’t have to listen to our lovemaking.”
Dean slapped a palm over his eyes before dragging it down his face with a weary sigh. “And, that’s my cue. Come on Cas.” He grabbed Cas by the hand, pulling him back down the hallway.
“Was that one of the things I shouldn’t say in front of your brother?” He could hear Cas ask as they made their way down the hall.
“Yeah, Cas, generally you don’t wanna....” Their voices faded out and Sam was left with a smile on his face. He sighed and opened his laptop back up. Watching the two of them left him with the strangest urge to call Gabriel. Hm… maybe he would.