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Savannah was beyond exhausted, all of her classes felt like they dragged on for hours. The sound of clock hands slowly inching closer to the end of the day echoed in her head, driving her insane. It’s not like she wanted to go home, but she would much rather have the freedom to leave than be stuck in an uncomfortable, too-short desk. She was looking forward to choir practice more than she had ever been before, though she wasn’t too sure why. It wasn’t like it was a horrible day per se, it just felt far too long, and her back hurt, and a girl in gym took her doll and threw it in a basketball hoop, and somebody else made a scared sound when she walked by, and, okay, yeah it was kind of a horrible day. She did not want to sit through another half an hour of Algebra 12.
Mischa was in the same boat. He was tired and ready to sleep. He had to walk to school due to his car being out of gas, he dropped everybody off at their homes after they all hung out and completely forgot to fill it back up. He considered just staying home, but if he didn’t show up to the homeroom he and Ocean shared, he knew he would never hear the end of it. When he finally made it to his last class, he completely tuned it out. He was sat in the back of the room, head propped up on his hand nearly falling asleep.
The second the bell finally rang, Savannah jumped up and bolted out of there. There was an hour between the end of their last classes and the start of choir practice. She weighed out her options, she could go home and clean up before practice, maybe grab something to eat and then group back up; or, she could just sit in the choir room for the next hour, enjoying some peace and quiet. She decided on the latter, mostly because she didn’t have the energy to go all the way home and back. Plus she still had some of her lunch left. After she zipped up her bag, Savannah was gone, speeding to the choir room, doll in hand, backpack practically falling off her shoulder.
Mischa already had his things in his bag by the time the bell rang out. It didn’t take long for him to leave the room and head down to the choir room. He left some of his things in the room the night before and wanted to retrieve them before he headed out to the gas station. To his surprise, the lights were already on. Savannah almost jumped at the sound of the door opening before realizing who it was.
“Oh gosh, Mischa, you scared me. What are you doing here so early?”
“Could ask the same to you. I left stuff last night, had to get it.”
“Oh, are you heading out before practice?”
“Yes, have things to do. Are you staying here?”
Savanna nodded. “Didn’t want to go home.”
Mischa nodded at her, he noted the subtle sadness in her voice. He first figured it was best to not mention it, but his need to check on his friend got the better of him.
“Something happen?”
Savannah gave him a strange look.
“What do you mean?”
“You do not want to go home, something happen that made you not want to go?”
“Oh.” She started, debating whether she should continue or not. “Just, don’t like it I guess.”
Mischa nodded again. “I understand that. Want me to stay with you? Or go to gas station with me?”
Savannah smiled at him before her face dropped a bit. “Wait, are your guardians giving you problems?”
Mischa laughed a bit. “When are they not? But that is not important. Do you want distraction, I can do that.”
“I wouldn’t mind getting out, but do you wanna talk about what’s going on at home?”
“We should go then, will take a bit for what I have to do. Also, no, I do not need to talk about it, but if you want to talk about your house, I will listen.” Mischa beckoned her to the door. As they began through the door Savannah spoke again.
“I kind of do want to talk, if that’s actually okay.”
“Of course Sav, would not have offered if not.”
“You sound like Noel when you say that.” Savannah gave a knowing smile.
“Well, did learn that line from him, so I guess that is reason.” He bumped his shoulder to hers playing into the scene a bit. “But you were saying, what was bothering you?”
The smile Savannah had before dropped despite the fact her heart felt lighter due to Mischa asking.
“It’s just, gotten bad recently. You know how my parents were doing shit behind my back before, like with the drugs and that?”
Mischa nodded.
“Well, I told you guys earlier that it was getting better, because it was, at first. My dad was sobered out I think, like we actually talked for a bit. Ezra even talked to him, and he refuses to talk to them when they’re messed up. So like, it was getting better,” Mischa held the school door open for her as she continued. “But then all of a sudden he was shit-faced in the bathroom today. He was so mean, I just walked by and he started yelling at me. I couldn’t even make out what he was saying. Ezra was at his girlfriend's house, so I couldn't talk to him about it, and I think it’s just been bothering me today. I don’t want to go back when I know I’m not even going to have other functioning people.” Her voice gave way to the crack as her eyes welled a bit. Mischa wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they continued down the road.
“I can imagine. I get addiction is hard to break, but to subject you and your brother to that, especially when you have tried to help. It is not fair to you at all. Your parents are not the real them when they are high.”
“I kind of feel like that is the real them now though, like they’re high more often than not, so wouldn’t that be the real them?”
“That is good point.” He looked up as he spoke. “I get how that is too, my dad was the same way, in Ukraine that is.”
“Oh yeah?” Savannah looked over through dampened eyelashes. Mischa knew that she needed to feel not alone, and his way of showing that she was indeed not alone, was sharing his own experiences. It did not feel like a competition when they spoke, it simply was an exchange of stories.
“Yeah, he was a good man, do not get it wrong, but after the stuff with his work, he changed.’
“What happened?”
“He was working with military. He got deployed when I was like eight I think, he had breaks and would come home sometimes. I remember him in his uniform, because I used to pull at the flag on his sleeve, I actually have it now, anyway, he would come back and he was still nice, but after maybe a year, he changed. He was coming back for holidays less and was not patient. He stopped kissing my mother when he greeted us and that is when I realized he was not himself. He was involved in a training accident and got discharged for it. He came home and was violent. He hit my mom once, I did not let him do it again, I would not let her be alone with him after. He would hit me too sometimes, but it was never really bad. We just started to avoid him after that. My mom would cry about it, wishing for the old him to be back, but we knew it would not happen. I think he knew it too, and he did not like who he had become. He shot himself one night, I was up because my mom had been crying again and I heard it go off. I was maybe eleven. I went to check on the sound because I did not know what it was. I found him before my mom. Was probably for the best, was not pretty. I think that changed me a little, became very, scared of not knowing what people were thinking.” Throughout the whole thing, he did not shed a tear, Savannah however could feel her eyes filling for him.
“Oh my god, Mischa, that’s horrible. Why didn’t you ever tell any of us?”
“Hmm? Just never really came up I guess, besides, is not worst thing, he is safer now. Better I am sure.”
Savannah’s jaw hung open a bit.
“You were so young, that wasn't good for you to see, or to deal with, I am so sorry.”
Mischa tensed.
“No no, do not say sorry, is not your fault and can not be changed. Besides, you have dealt with worse, I should say sorry for not noticing earlier.”
“I hide it on purpose, so it isn't your fault for not noticing, that was the whole point.” As she spoke, they neared the doors of the gas station. Mischa allowed the silence to envelop the two as they stepped in. Savannah broke it after a few minutes.
“Do you think they’ll get better, my parents that is? You do drugs, I feel like you would know maybe.”
Mischa huffed a light laugh at the subtle jab at his own bad habits.
“I can not be sure, I do not do the things they do. I have been involved with some harder things, but not often like them. Fact, I have not done those things more than once, have learned from mistakes. But, I think maybe there is chance. Anyone can change, with a child as wonderful as you, they have all the reason to do so, and that is the hardest part; finding a reason to get better.”
“Thank you.” Savannah kept close to him, letting her face lean against his arm a bit as she felt her eyes fill again.
“Did you ever get hooked on anything?” Savannah wasn’t sure how far she was going to be able to push, but she figured it was worth a shot, to have her questions answered.
Mischa did not answer for a moment as he picked up a jerrican from the automotive section of the shop. He nodded after a moment though.
“I have struggled with things, yes. Had a hard time getting out of using things. I did not have good reason to stop. When I was doing, you know,” He suggested to a prior conversation he had with Savannah, one where he admitted to the many things he’d tried. “I felt, numb. Did not have to think or feel and it was good. The problem was, once you start, is hard to stop, especially when you have no reason to. Before the choir, before all the friends I made, before you, I did not have reason to change. I was fine with dying in my sleep if it meant I did not have to feel anymore. I did not want to stop, did not need to. So, yes, I was ‘hooked’.”
“How hard was it to stop when you finally did?” Trepidation pulsed through her body after the words left her mouth and filled her own ears. “You are still clean right?” She whispered.
Mischa laughed a bit again before answering. “Yes, Sav,” Genuine concern filled his voice with his next question. “Did it seem like I was not?”
“No! Not at all! Just, I’ve been asking some pretty invasive questions, I’m sorry.”
“It is okay, you are confused, if I can answer questions for you, then good. Besides, I am the one who told you about my issues, it is only fair you have questions. To answer it though, it was not easy. I remember it being a lot easier than it probably was though. I had Talia through it, she was the first reason to stop, I had a distraction through it, maybe that is why I do not remember it all, I had something more important.”
“But you weren’t using that long, my parents have been using for years, maybe it’s too late for them.” By this point, Mischa had purchased the container and was at the pump outside.
“It is never too late. You should be worth it to them, if you are not, they do not deserve you as their child.”
Savannah smiled a little. “It’s a nice thought, but I’ve really tried with them. I have spent night after night literally begging on my knees for them to just stop, and to love me and Ezra like they are supposed to, but it doesn’t matter, especially when they are so high that they can’t even see me. You know, I realized something lately that I hate so much.”
“What is it?”
“Every time Ocean complains about her parents smoking too much, I get really angry. Like I want to tell her to stop whining about it. I want to just say how much I wish my parents only smoked pot. I get jealous when she complains I think, like it feels like a competition with her. I don’t know what’s different when I talk with you, I guess Ocean's personality is just so competitive that it always feels like a fight. I don’t know but I hate it, I don’t want to feel mad at her, cause it obviously upsets her, and that’s valid, but I don’t think she gets just how much worse it could be.”
“Ocean is very irritating in general so makes sense.” Savannah laughed at that.
“But I hear what you are saying. It is fair to feel like that, you have dealt with pretty different things, so to you, it does not seem like big deal. Ocean has not dealt with things that you have, she does not know different, so you are right, it is also fair for her to hurt as well, does not mean that one is worse than the other because you both know ‘bad’ as different things. What I am trying to say is, it is okay to be angry, but know it is not Ocean’s intention to do that, and you do not have to talk to Ocean about it, not now at least, because she does not understand the things you do. You can talk to the rest of us though, like now. Does it help?”
She nodded.
“It does, but it doesn’t fix it. I don’t want to go home, I don’t feel safe.”
“You can stay with me. Guardians do not come to talk with me, would not even notice you are there.”
“As much as I would like that, I think my parents would get mad. They’re almost always out of it, yes, but they do still notice when I’m gone too long, and they get mad at me about it. You know what I mean, I think it would make it worse to just drop them, plus I don’t think I could do that, I do love them, because they weren't always this bad, just some days I don't want to be around it.”
“Spend the night instead? Come over when you need to, stay as long as you need, and go back home when you feel okay.”
“That, sounds really nice. But I don’t want to be a bother.”
“Would not be! I am very lonely in that basement, could use the company now and then.” The smile he wore as he spoke was a juxtaposition to the words he spoke. He was much better with his vulnerability nowadays.
Savannah laughed a little before she “Well, I think I’ll take you up on that then. Ezra isn’t going to be home tonight again, so, can I stay tonight?”
“Of course.” A ping from Savannah’s phone and a buzz from Mischa’s took their attention. A text from Ocean through their choir group chat made Savannah sigh a little.
“Oops, we’re late.”
Mischa typed out a response as he spoke. “Oh well, they will understand.”
‘Sav and I are going home we do not feel good’
Savannah smiled as the responses flooded in. Constance responded, asking what was wrong and telling them to feel better, Ricky also sent a ‘feel better soon’ . Noel’s response made Savanna smirk at the other.
“Someone seems anxious, maybe we should show up. Wouldn’t want your husband to be worried.”
Mischa pushed Savannah away a little bit as he spoke, and embarrassed blush showed.
“Stop it.”