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The walk to the dorms is a blur. Sometimes in flashes. Jisung is sure the walk from Chenle's dorm took 5 minutes but it felt more like he blinked and suddenly he was unlocking his door with his keycard.
Predictably, his roommate isn't inside. It's only 9 pm and he doesn't really expect Sungchan to be back until later in the night. He sends Chenle a text that he's arrived at his dorm before throwing his phone on the bed and dropping his bag at the foot of it.
He sits on the edge of his bed for 10 minutes, zoning out as he stares at the posters hung on Sungchan's side of the small dorm room, before standing up and getting in the even smaller shower of the dorm. It's really not the biggest space he's seen in the world, but it's not small enough to suffocate him so he doesn't complain. And Sungchan is a really nice roommate. He understands Jisung's little habits that any other person might find annoying and bothersome. If he could, he would dorm with him again next semester.
Jisung steps out and huffs at the condensation of water on their bathroom mirror. He spent 10 of the 15 minutes in the shower, standing under the burning water, muscles relaxing in its warm embrace as he stresses about all the assignments he still hasn't done. Because student life doesn't let you think about life. And maybe Jisung prefers it that way.
It's when Jisung steps out of the bathroom and spots a familiar figure sitting on his bed that he stops thinking about anything. But only for a second because his mind never really stops thinking.
His presence doesn't shock Jisung and his quiet entrance into his dorm room definitely doesn't scare him. Jisung has gotten quite used to his silent appearances.
"This is the 5th night in a row, hyung," Jisung says, trying not to stare as he dries his hair with a small towel.
Donghyuck smiles but doesn't say anything, pointing to the space between his legs. Jisung tries to stop the lift of his lips and walks towards him, the towel hanging on his shoulders. Like routine, Jisung sits on the floor, right in front of Donghyuck, situating himself between his legs.
“Can I touch you?” He whispers softly and Jisung doesn’t hesitate to nod his head. A different kind of warmth surrounds him when he gets closer and he practically melts when Donghyuck starts drying his hair, humming a soft tune as he does so.
Neither says anything and Jisung basks in the silence, eyes fluttering shut as Donghyuck starts running his hand through Jisung's hair.
In the silence of the night, Jisung almost doesn't feel like he's miles away from home, like he isn't in the busy city studying something he isn't sure he loves. There's not a lot that he does love so he might just add it in to have something on that short list.
Jisung likes Sungchan, he does, but he won't lie and say he doesn't like when he's out partying or hanging out with his boyfriend because he does. He's good company but Jisung still prefers his own company over anyone else's.
But he might make an exception for happiness. Who doesn't like being accompanied by simple joy?
"Did you know I saw Renjun and Jaemin outside fighting about cheese sticks? And Jeno was there just watching them," Donghyuck says softly, a melody that Jisung wants to listen to forever.
He smiles a little, the warm feeling growing around him and in his chest. "Not surprised. Why would he join them? Jeno hyung doesn't do that kind of thing." Jisung glances down at his lap, wondering when he last saw him. "I haven't seen Jeno hyung in a while though. It must be all those assignments stopping my peace."
This time, Donghyuck chuckles, smiling brightly as he looks down at Jisung. "You need to stop calling us 'hyung'."
Jisung frowns, turning his head to look up at him. "But you're all older than me."
"We don't have an age. We're emotions. We just exist, remember?" Donghyuck plays with Jisung's hair, grinning at the pout on his face. "Come on, stop pouting at me. That's not what I'm here for."
He pulls Jisung up on the bed but Jisung does most of the work anyway, sitting next to Donghyuck, and like this, their height difference is a lot more noticeable. He tilts down slightly to meet Donghyuck's eyes and it makes him grin.
"We both know you wouldn't be here if I wasn't happy." And just like that, Donghyuck shines. Like the sun and the stars, Donghyuck's the light in the darkness Jisung is trapped in. A reminder that he isn't always stuck there. That even in the darkness in his heart, there's still a light to look at and look forward to. It must be why he's been seeing Renjun and Jaemin lately.
"I think Renjun hyung and Jaemin hyung are fighting about cheese sticks because I might be a little bit obsessed with them recently," Jisung admits, cheeks turning a watercolour pink. "I've been wanting them every day. Renjun hyung must think cheese sticks give me hope or something. Jaemin hyung might be here because..."
"You want to live because of cheese sticks?" Donghyuck asks in bewilderment, laughing slightly.
Jisung whines. "No—yes, but no—I just really like them. At least there's something I want in life," he huffs, crossing his arms.
At that, Donghyuck laughs. He laughs. And for a second, Jisung thinks his heart skips a beat. For a second, he wonders if Jaemin is here because he wants to hear Donghyuck laugh again. His heart skips a beat again and Jisung wonders if anyone has fallen in love with happiness.
An overwhelming warmth swallows him and Jisung easily welcomes Donghyuck in his arms. And it’s a wonder how Donghyuck fits just perfectly. How when Donghyuck wraps one arm around Jisung’s chest and another over his shoulder, Jisung is able to hold him by the waist and bring him closer, hug him tighter.
Don't let me go Jisung whispers in his heart, hoping that Donghyuck can hear even from there.
"What's in that beautiful mind of yours?" Donghyuck asks, his hand back in the dark locks of Jisung's head, combing through them, smiling when Jisung relaxes in his arms.
"Too many things for it to be beautiful," Jisung whispers back, voice so low, he isn't sure Donghyuck heard him. But he knows Donghyuck knows anyway.
"That's not true," Donghyuck says and his voice is so soothing, so quiet, yet everywhere. Jisung hears him in his ears, in front of him, behind him, in his heart—everywhere. His heart betrays him, picking up speed as he rests his chin on Donghyuck's shoulder. "I'm here, aren't I? You're happy. Your thoughts may not always be beautiful but I know you're happy. So tell me, how was your day?"
Jisung pulls back, smiling at the sparkle in Donghyuck's that never seems to disappear. He lies down in his bed, dragging Donghyuck with him and spends the next hour or so telling Donghyuck about the past few days.
Minutes pass like that, and it feels good. It feels good to tell Donghyuck about the chocolate drink Chenle bought him earlier this morning and how Mark's message made him laugh amid his breakdown because of an assignment. He tells him how he and Sungchan bought lunch together just like the day before, Sungchan complaining about all the cheese sticks he keeps eating.
"No wonder, I keep appearing at that restaurant. You're buying their cheese sticks," Donghyuck said in the middle of his story.
Jisung laughs, Donghyuck shaking as he giggles on his chest. "It's because I'm happy eating cheese sticks! Let me have this."
"Of course, Jisungie," Donghyuck grins, his hand leaving the spot on his waist and going up to caress his cheek, the soft touch causing fireworks to explode in his chest. "I love when you’re happy. You can eat all the cheese sticks in the world. You can do whatever makes you happy.”
And Jisung has to hold back from saying You. You make me happy because it wouldn’t make sense. Or would it? Donghyuck is here because Jisung is happy. He’s the happiness that Jisung meets every once in a while. But he’s also the cause of his happiness. When Jisung sees him, he feels free from the darkness that has its chains locked on him. He doesn’t know. All he knows is he doesn’t want Donghyuck to leave. Not yet.
“Okay. I will.”
Donghyuck graces him with the brightest of smiles, one that Jisung can’t stop staring at. He wonders—just wonders—if Donghyuck’s heart races in his chest whenever Jisung smiles at him too. He wonders whether love is something he can feel too. He’s always been curious about how they work—the emotions that walk around him whenever he feels them in large amounts.
“Good. Now continue your story,” Donghyuck says, closing his eyes and lying back on Jisung’s chest.
He hopes Donghyuck can’t hear the way his heart speeds under him, how close he is to a heart attack just by how close Donghyuck is. “You aren’t even listening,” Jisung says, carefully touching Donghyuck's soft hair.
“I am,” Donghyuck whines and it makes Jisung chuckle, pink blossoming on his cheeks. He traces the moles on Donghyuck’s face with his eyes, down his cheeks all the way to his neck and Jisung is reminded of the stars that he used to watch from his childhood bedroom. Even in the darkness, there is light, tiny bits of light shining down on them. And how right now, Jisung sees it again. Donghyuck, a light in his darkness, even in small spots, even in some of his darkest days, he’ll come sooner or later.
And it was when he met Donghyuck that Jisung understood why people associated yellow with happiness. Why people drew the sun in yellow and why joy is the first thing someone thinks about when they see the bright colour. Jisung doesn’t necessarily think of happiness when he sees the colour yellow. He thinks of sunflowers and Donghyuck, but he supposes it’s the same thing. They’re all the same thing.
When Jisung stares into Donghyuck’s eyes, it’s hard not to feel jealous of the simple joy in his eyes that never seems to go away. How when he looks at his own through the mirror, he can’t find that happiness. Not when he’s looking for it.
And Jisung knows what’s next. What comes after this. Happiness never stays. It comes in short bursts or lasts for a few days but never forever. It’s always hard to enjoy happiness when you know it’ll never really stay, when you know that at any time it can just leave any time. Jisung doesn’t want to go back to the days of sadness while he’s still enjoying the feeling of finally smiling freely.
Donghyuck must feel Jisung’s hesitance and tugs at his sleeve. “Hey, what’s wrong? We haven’t finished talking about your day.”
“When I first saw you,” Jisung whispers, “I thought it was over. That I could finally be happy. And then you started disappearing and it was so hard to go on without you. And now every time you’re here, all I can think about is that you’ll be leaving again and I don’t know when you’ll be back.”
And Donghyuck—ever bright and shining—doesn’t stop smiling, eyes sparkling at him. “Jisung, isn’t what’s important is that I’m here right now? It’s scary I know, but you have people around you to take care of you and love you. I don’t stay long but you know I’ll always come back right?” Donghyuck asks, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind Jisung’s ear.
He can’t really deny that. Through those days alone, he had someone. He has Chenle and Sungchan and even Mark. He has people who love him. But sometimes, he wishes Donghyuck would stay. He wishes Donghyuck could be there too. And every time Jisung waited for Donghyuck to come, he did eventually. He always does.
“I know,” he says softly, closing his eyes and pressing his face on Donghyuck’s hand.
Donghyuck nods his head. “Hey, look at me.” And Jisung opens his eyes to meet Donghyuck’s. “Why waste your happiness thinking about sadness? Don’t think about the days after I leave, just enjoy while I’m here. I’ll be in your life forever and although I won’t be around all the time, I’ll always come back to see your cute smile, okay?”
Giggles escape Jisung’s lips, smiling and blushing at Donghyuck. “Okay.” He ruffles the hair on Jisung’s head, messing it up even more and Jisung can only laugh and let him play with his hair. There’s a softness and warmth spreading in his chest, a familiar yellow feeling bursting in him. Happiness lies in his arms and Jisung wants to take and keep, even for a short while.
“Donghyuck hyung, will you be here tomorrow?” He asks, a shimmer of hope in his eyes. But he already knows the answer to that.
“I don’t know,” Donghyuck says, a small smile painted on his lips. There’s something in his eyes, something similar to hope and Jisung wonders if Donghyuck wants to be with him forever too. “But you know I’ll come back, even if I don’t show up tomorrow. You trust me, right?” Jisung nods and Donghyuck lifts himself up to press a kiss on Jisung’s forehead. “Don’t give up, don’t lose hope. Get through it and then you’ll see me again. I’ll be there waiting for you. You’ll wait for me too, won’t you?” Donghyuck whispers, sliding down so their noses brush against each other.
“I will. I’ll wait for you. Always,” Jisung smiles, closing his eyes when he feels lips on his cheek. He opens his eyes and smiles at Donghyuck.
He pinches Jisung’s side causing him to flinch and laugh. “Good. Gather many stories so you can tell me the next time we meet. Even the short silly ones.”
Jisung giggles. “Okay.”
Satisfied, Donghyuck lies back down on Jisung’s chest, taking his hand in his. “Now continue telling me about your day.”
There’s not much of it left, but Jisung tells him all of it anyway just to hear Donghyuck laugh and to hear all of his side comments that make him laugh. Jisung knows that when he wakes up tomorrow, Donghyuck won’t be there to put a smile on his face. He doesn’t know when he’ll see Donghyuck again so he basks in the moment and lets himself laugh freely. He’ll get used to it one day. He’ll try not to waste his happiness feeling wrong. And he’ll wait for Donghyuck until they meet again.