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It was silent, the radio almost silent between them as the truck rolled to a steady stop at a red light. Buck was brimmed with anxiety as his fingers rolled against each other, nails bitten as he fights the urge to word vomit all over the interior of the car.
Eddie’s no better, he keeps looking at him in the corner of his eye, checking he’s still there, he’s not imagining buck sitting there. It’s been silent for thirty minutes now, the bridge collapse was something else and the dried blood buck definitely has in the corners of his hair doesn’t help that fact.
“Can-“
“Don’t.” Buck whispers. Eyes squeezing shut as his fingers splay out against his thigh, blood rushing back to them. The whites of his knuckles standing out as Eddie bit his bottom lip, eyes forcing themselves back to the green light, hitting the gas.
“Evan I just.. that was a lot.”
“I know. I was there. The only one that was there.” He choked out. “The only one who responded, who was awake. Who wasn’t bleeding out or injured badly or-“
Eddie’s hand on his arm made the tears fall heavy against his cheeks as he dropped his head, his own chest aches for the man. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t fucking apologise.” He pleaded. Shaking his head. “Please.”
“Okay. Okay. I take it back.” Squeezing his arm once more, he released his grip and almost swerved into the second lane as buck shot out for it again, holding it gently beneath his fingertips. “I’m alive.”
“You almost weren’t. The ambulance almost..” his fingers pressed down against Eddie’s pulse and his eyes snapped closed as the thundering beat echoed in his own chest.
Twisting the car into his driveway, he shut the engine off and flicked the lights off as they stayed there, silent and unmoving. Bucks mouth opening and closing on repeat as he kept his fingers firmly against the pulse.
“Evan-“
“I’m in love with you. I can’t have you not know that anymore. I can’t almost lose you again without you knowing that.” He rushed out, the grip faltering slightly. “Just let me reassure myself you’re actually okay and then I’ll go. I think Marisol is coming over here later, she left you a text.”
Eddie couldn’t breathe as bucks self deprecation bled through his words, his chest lurched as bucks eyes finally opened and he looked up, lowering Eddie’s hand back to the console between them and severing the contact.
“See you next week.” He chuckled dryly. “I’m still coming over on Friday though for Christopher because he promised me freaky Friday.” Opening the door, he got out and Eddie almost fell out trying to follow him. No words just following him.
“I’ll be fine getting home. I’m not-“
“Evan.” He whispered finally. Leaning against the truck as buck stopped and his shoulders sagged in on himself. “Look at me.” He pleaded.
“I can’t.”
“Why?” Taking a step forward, buck raised a hand between them and shook it. If they weren’t in this situation Eddie would’ve made a comment.
“Because I can’t handle it right now. I can’t handle your overwhelming care and support right now. You are my home, your my safety and my security and I won’t jeopardise that even more.” Dropping the hand, headlights flashed forward as the sound of a car breaking made them both turn towards it, Marisol had arrived.
“Have a good night.” He got out, reaching forward and hugging Eddie lightly, stepping back and walking away, towards his jeep across the road. Smiling softly at Marisol who gave him a short smile before he trudged into the darkness.
This love was clothing his bones but it was also destroying his strength in the process.
So as he drove back to his dark and lonely loft, he ignored all the texts and calls Eddie made, turned his phone off and threw it in the back seat. His jeep stopping heavily at the lights, his hands dropping from the wheel. Leaning his head back and sighing deeply.
Looking into the reflection of his mirror, his eyes were tired and heavy set as the bags got worse. The green flashed across his face and he set off again. Mind on auto pilot as he drove home, weaved through traffic easily and calmly as he drove down the familiar street and down the private carpark.
Into the elevators and up the flights of stairs to his apartment, it was all mindless, all numbing. All so fucking wrong. His reflection glaring at him at every turn he took, laughing at him. He was so close, yet so far away.
Closing the door behind him, he let out a long awaited breathe and sunk against it, letting his knees knock against his chin, curling around himself as the silence got too heavy. The nonexistent laughter and smell of Bobby’s recipes he was experimenting.
It was getting all too familiar, all too real.
He sat there for a while, thinking over everything that had happened, urging himself out of a panic attack as he stood up, walking across the space to the balcony and throwing the doors open. Breathing in the chilly air as he dropped his head, the goosebumps spreading heavily against his skin. Reminding him he was alive. Despite the way the universe screamed at him normally, it was quiet and suspiciously daunting now. How does he manage to always survive these things? How does it make the balance fair?
Reaching for his phone, his hand fell flat and he groaned as he remembered it was in the backseat of his jeep, twelve stories down and in the carpark. He was gonna call Maddie, was going to make sure that chim was okay, that she was okay. Screw all that now.
Sitting down on the pull out chair, he kicked his feet up on the table and leant back, listening to the sound of steady traffic below them and closed his eyes, he could find a steady routine in loneliness, he’s done it before. And with that thought, he lulled into the darkness, peaceful and comforting.
When he woke up, the sound of a tv and the smell of grilled cheese was overwhelmingly there. Groaning against the soft sheets beneath him, he opened his eyes and mumbled a confused noise as his hair stuck up around his temples.
Sitting up in the middle of his bed, his room. Throwing a look to his bedside table, his phone was sitting there, on charge and flipped upside down, notification button switched to silent.
Getting up, he ran a hand through his hair and walked towards the staircase. Then almost fell down them when he realised he was alone when he fell asleep, outside. On his damn balcony.
Listening intently, the sound of an animal documentary played downstairs and the deep voice of Eddie rumbled through his empty head. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t deal with this. Chris was here though, he could ignore Eddie’s concerned eyes and the guilt in them and focus on Chris. Yeah, he could do this.
So he walked down the stairs, rounding the corner and completely ignoring the way Eddie’s smile faltered slightly, tearing himself away from the look and towards the boy sitting on his couch. Immersed in the tv.
Taking a seat next to him. He sat back and watched too.
“What’s this?” He mumbled. Chris groaned and flicked his arm.
“You know what this is buck.”
“Yeah. But why are we watching this instead of the movie you promised me we’d watch?” He teased as Chris went red, he turned to buck with guilt in his eyes as his mouth opened. “It’s fine buddy. We can watch it on Friday, that was the plan anyway.”
“Sorry.” He grumbled. “Besides, this is good anyway.”
Buck nodded and smiled as Chris went back to watching the documentary. He felt out of place for some reason, whether it be what he said to Eddie earlier or how he felt the entire day. He felt different, hollow.
Reminding himself to book an appointment for therapy, he sighed and leaned his head against the back of the couch. His couch. His ugly fucking couch that yet again another ex girlfriend picked out. It was a pastel green colour and spongey almost.
Footsteps growing closer caught his attention and he jumped off the couch just as Eddie took a seat beside him, stepping around them and towards the kitchen.
“Forgot my phone.” He blurted, smiling awkwardly before spinning on his heel and walking towards the stairs. He could hear Eddie’s mumbles getting closer and as he took the stairs two at a time, saw Eddie growing closer. “Fucking shit, fuck, fuck.” He whispered under his breathe as he tore his phone off the charger.
“Buck.” Eddie’s voice was deep and firm as his hands shook.
“I’ve gotta call Maddie.”
Trying to step around him, the phone was plucked out of his hands in a second and he was being walked backwards to his bed. Forced to sit down, phone shoved into the back pocket of Eddie’s jeans. He was stuck.
“I’m done with subtly and I’m done with letting you get so far out of reach that it hurts.” Eddie starts, kneeling down in-front of him and folding his arms across his chest. “You are a fucking pain in my ass Evan.”
Reading back, Eddie’s eyes bleed the truth and bucks heart breaks. “I know.”
“You’re annoying and indecisive, you snore when you’ve had too much sugar, you smell like a cinnamon stick ninety five percent of the time. Your shirts are always one size too small and it drives me crazy. You make Bobby buy you almond milk and then you never drink it. You give my kid way too much slack and It should piss me off.”
Buck nods along absentmindedly as he plays with his fingers.
“You drown out the silence with your endless array of facts that id rather listen to over any podcast or music station because I love the sound of your voice. You listen to Chris even when everybody else thinks he’s too young to be having his own opinions. You care harder than I’ve ever seen someone do. You love stronger than i could ever possibly do and it just makes me cherish you more.”
Eddie’s hands are slowly reaching out for buck and bucks still nodding along half heartedly as his mind slowly catches up.
“You left because you were hurting and you needed space and I get that. What happened earlier was beyond fucked, you were alone, on top of the ambulance window, unconscious and then saving everyone. You needed someone and everyone was hurt. You were fighting the memory earlier and I know you were still fighting the feeling when you got home, when you were alone and on the verge of a panic attack, like I know you would’ve been.”
His hands framed bucks face and the realisation was washing over him in bursts as his eyes brightened.
“Eddie..”
“I’m not done.” His eyes widen in acknowledgement as Eddie smile softly.
“You told me you loved me earlier, that you didn’t want another tragedy to stop you from saying it, to stop us from being ripped away from each other. Being in love is easy Evan. It’s a natural thing, but falling in love? Falling in love is like taking a leap of faith and being scared of the free fall until it’s too late, until you’re too close to the water and you know it’s gonna be a bitch when you hit it but the outcome might make it sting a little less.”
Bucks smiling hard now, his tears falling freely as Eddie just continues to say the worlds sweetest and saddest love confession ever and bucks choking on each word.
“Even on my worst days, you were there. You loved me and supported me through them and somewhere in the back of my mind and I loved you then. I just didn’t have it in myself to go with the idea, I was scared. But I took the fall and I loved you in silence for so long. Then earlier? My world finally flooded with sunlight and I can’t let you go Evan. I can’t do it now.”
He was leaning forward, his eyes soft and open as bucks breathe stuttered, his chest shaking with something new, something bright and full of warmth.
“Ed’s.” The man smiled and rubbed his thumb across his birthmark, a small touch, something that should’ve been comforting, but it made him burn, made him ache, for the man who was knelt there, in front of him. His.
“Evan.” He parroted, smile wide and toothy as buck chuckled under his breathe despite the lack of air in his lungs. The burn so worth it. “I’m in love with you.”
Dropping his head, he heaved a deep breathe and let out a breathless laugh as Eddie pulled his head back up. Forcing him to look, to see exactly what he meant.
And those eyes, they shone love, they burned with it, it was in everything Eddie did, everything he said or touched. It was their found family, their Friday night movie nights, driving home after a hard shift together, turning up to work together. It was in everything they did.
“Are you sure?” He whispered.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. So sure in fact that I broke up with Marisol pretty much as soon as my heart got in that jeep with you earlier tonight and took off.”
Despite better judgement, his heart gave an aborted guilty thump as he sat there.
“Stop.” Eddie whispered. Leaning forward and placing a small kiss on his birthmark, buck leant so far into it that he almost toppled over, Eddie snorting. “It was not your fault, it was mine. I dragged her along when I knew that she could never have what she truly deserved from me. I couldn’t give her that.”
“Let me guess your-“ buck started.
“My heart.” Eddie finished.
“Fuck.” He muttered before surging forward, pressing them together for the first last kiss of his goddamn life. Shaking as Eddie rose up, cradling his face and pushing him down onto the bed below him, crowding him against the sheets with a kiss so indescribably powerful it made him weak in every part of his soul.
His arms wound around Eddie’s shoulders, tangling in the short hairs at the back of his head, his world was in his hands. His world was Eddie.
Eddie’s tongue was both sweet and filthy at the same time and it made bucks feet curl, his thighs tensing as his lips moved down his jaw in a filthy slide, sucking hard on his clavicle before attaching to his side.
He groaned against the feeling, chasing the fire boiling in the pit of his stomach as Eddie pulled away, kissing his jaw softly before raising his head again.
“As much as I’d love to continue this, and trust me, I would.” Pressing a hard kiss for further proof. “We have our kid downstairs.”
“Mhm..” he murmured, still out of it. “Oh shit.”
Eddie barked out a laugh as bucks eyes turned to plates, standing back up, he outstretched a hand and watched as buck didn’t even hesitate, grabbing firmly and getting up.
“And..” he spoke as they walked towards the stairs.
“You’ve got so many burnt grilled cheese downstairs that I think you may need a new toaster oven.”
Yeah, Eddie was his fucking dream.
He was his life line and his anchor.
He was his perfect snowfall.