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Three weeks after the apocalypse failed the archangel Sandalphon gets an unexpected phone call.
The screen of his ethereal cell phone vibrates and on the screen it displays Caller ID Unknown. It is quite suspicious but the angel answers.
“Who is this?”
A feminine voice speaks “Good day sir, I have a question for you”
Sandalphon scoffs “And what might that be?”
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“What?”
~~~
After they averted the apocalypse Aziraphale began going through his bookshop from tip to toe. When Adam restored it he also left some gifts and the angel wanted to be sure he had found all of them.
On a Tuesday afternoon, Madame Tracy comes by for a cup of tea. Crowley also happens to be at the bookshop. He’s been quite tense since they chose their own side. Been spending a lot of time with aziraphale to feel that they were both safer. The lovely demon is keeping his guest company while he goes through another shelf. So far he’s found nothing new in it, but he does find a small box that he remembers putting away a little while back. Could it have been 2015? He hadn’t wanted it then, but it’d been given to him nonetheless. The angel picks up the box and goes back to his guests.
Crowley perks up when he enters the room “Find anything interesting?”
Aziraphale takes a seat in his usual armchair and opens the packaging “Well, I did find this. And I have no idea what to do with it. I never even read the manual” he picks that up and starts rifling through it. Crowley and Tracy both lean over to look inside the box.
Crowley frowns behind his shades “Wot is that?”
Tracy curiously adds “It’s see through” the demon reaches to pick it up but when he touches it sparks fire where his fingertips touch it. He hastily pulls the hand back as he hisses at the object while Madame Tracy shrieks with shock.
Aziraphale gasps “Oh my! Be careful, dear. It’s ethereal, and probably blessed”
He shakes his hand “And you didn’t think to warn me?!”
“I just opened the manual. And how should I have known you would touch it?”
Crowley grumbled something but let the matter go “What is that thing then?”
“Well, it’s a telephone” he explains how heaven distributed them to all angels not too long ago. It was an attempt to make communication more efficient. Both for assignments and for news and information. “I never wanted one and now I’m not even in contact with heaven anymore. But I can’t just throw it away. Who knows where it might end up”
“Perhaps you could… give it away?” Suggests Tracy.
Crowley snickers “Sounds like you, angel”
“Oh shush you”
The human curiously asks “Can you call the dead with it?”
“Hmm, let me check the manual”
Turns out you can.
And Tracy suggests he gives it to her, so she can help people get in touch with loved ones on the other side. That way she wouldn’t be scamming people anymore during her seances. So it would be used for good.
“Firstly, perhaps we should see if you can even use it. It is after all intended for Angels”
So she picks up the device. The… would you call that a screen? Lights up in a blue glow. She seems to be able to navigate it “Can the one who calls see your number or something?” Crowley seems to understand what she’s asking and hops up to look in the manual with Aziraphale. They find the page and Crowley tells her “Not a number, but Aziraphale’s name. Unless you go into settings and set it to not show that”
She looks giddy as she does that. After some more tapping they hear the sound of it calling.
After four signals someone picks up. The angel and demon lean a smidge forward, curious to find out who it is.
“Hello, this is the Archangel Gabriel” Aziraphale jumps in his seat and Crowley almost trips over himself.
“Hello Gabriel, this is your mummy” says Tracy in an odd breathy tone. And Crowley drops to the floor with a hand covering his mouth.
“My-… my what??”
“Your mummy, Gabriel. You have been a very, very bad boy. And you need to be punished” Crowley wheezes a laugh muffled by his hands while Aziraphale stares at her with mild horror.
Gabriel sounds flustered and angry “Wha- who is this?? What kind of a joke is this?!”
“It’s no joke, love. I’ll deliver your punishment soon. Until then, behave” and with that she hangs up.
Tracy laughs as soon as the call has ended. The demon lets go of his face to properly cackle with her “Fuck, that was brilliant!” The woman fans herself as she tries to stop laughing and Crowley gets up from the floor “Angel, please give it to her”
He’s hesitant. The prank was mostly harmless, but what if heaven finds a way to trace it to her. She could be in danger, especially if she kept making prank calls to angels. But Crowley loves the idea of prank calling angels and demons. And well, his wily friend is as convincing as always.
So they follow Madame Tracy home and set up wards against both angels and demons. The woman promises to never use the phone outside of her home. She and Crowley decide on a time to meet up at the bookshop in two weeks, so she can tell him about her mischievous shenanigans.
~~~
Two weeks after Aziraphale gave the phone to Madame Tracy, she comes back to the shop. Crowley is already there, eagerly awaiting her. But she starts by telling Aziraphale about a young woman whose mother had recently passed away in an accident. Thanks to the phone she’d been able to talk with her mother and find a semblance of closure. Tracy had also helped an older man talk with his late husband, who had told him to live life to its fullest and not rush joining him. And the woman who Aziraphale helped get in contact with her husband during the almost apocalypse is still coming back with more to tell the poor soul.
Crowley listens impatiently, waiting for the good stuff. After a good twenty minutes she recounts her pranks. Crowley is absolutely delighted to hear she has called Hastur twice to give him false intel about heaven. She’s told him that chlamydia is rapidly spreading through heaven and that they’ve banned all shoes except for sandals. She’s also given Uriel a call about a missing cat. Even Aziraphale has to admit that is amusing.
Madame Tracy tells them that she’ll be taking a break from prank calling, intending to make the angels and demons think it’s over. But she promises Crowley that she’ll fill him in when she gets back to it again.
~~~
Tracy has had the phone for a few years now. And what an adventure it has been. Her clientele has increased a lot, but not too much. And she’s prank called a lot of angels and demons. Many of them were suggested by Crowley, but some are names she’s seen in the phone’s news app.
She’s made it a habit to check what goes on in heaven every now and then.
One morning as she eats breakfast she opens the app and sees the headline.
“MISSING: The Archangel Gabriel”