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English
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Published:
2023-06-17
Completed:
2023-08-21
Words:
7,322
Chapters:
6/6
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3
Kudos:
7
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factum fieri infectum non potest

Summary:

have you ever gotten everything you wanted?
no. but i once got very close.

what happened?
i don't know. everything disappears. even dreams. i suppose i just flew too close to the sun.

Notes:

in honour of minerva's one-year anniversary, i'm posting a couple of stream of consciousness chapters to reflect each chapter. they'll each be posted on the anniversary of the chapter end dates, which are: june 17, july 1, july 13, august 4, august 11, and august 21. i MAY include small extra chapters and i also may not. that would be up to the amount i can write. in any case, this is june 17, the anniversary of chapter one and the three-way meltdown that occurred. the birth of mental health breaks during trials! depending on how ao3 treats chaptered fics, i will either keep editing this note or add new notes as the chapters progress. we shall see!

now that all of the chapters have been finished and i’m just awaiting the minerva finale anniversary to post the live reading, i’ve decided that i want to flesh out each of the chapter notes to include more about my thought processes. since i hate deleting things that have already been posted, these will likely be in the form of end notes for each chapter — though in most of these cases, i think the beginning notes have room for expansion. still, in the interest of not erasing things that have already been written, i think i’ll just leave things in the beginning notes as they are. please note that the part of this intro that pertains to chapter one has been moved to the beginning notes for chapter one rather than in the general fic notes.

by the way, the fic summary does kill me. i chose it because that quote very much reminds me of the revenge squad, especially regarding the pharmacist and mat. i think it especially applies to the pharmacist, which is funny, since they barely appear in the fic itself. but it’s hard to imagine minerva without their influence. those in the know will know that the pharmacist was … i won’t say a self-insert, since that’s not entirely accurate, but a lot of their motivations and core feelings were based off how i felt when i was around their age. and to be clear, they aren’t ENTIRELY based off me since i rarely do that with characters; rather, there are elements of their character that were inspired off me and others that were taken from other sources of inspiration. but they did end up being the most like me, which is why i often view minerva as their story. ( of course, it’s everyone’s story, but i think the pharmacist is a big driving agent of the whole thing. ) i was really glad that they had a moment with claude at the very end of the game where they did express that this whole revenge plot wasn’t what they wanted. because that was a very pivotal realization for me when i was in my early twenties. it became abundantly clear to me that i didn’t want revenge or justice or karma. not really. sure, i THOUGHT that if i made the people who hurt me hurt the same way i did, then they would naturally come to regret how they hurt me and … feel sorry. but that’s rarely how it works. when people are hurt, sometimes they lash out, and they don’t always feel guilty. nor can you make someone feel exactly the way you do because they’re different, will react differently to the same situation. there’s no way to mastermind a one-size-fits-all suffering. and eventually, i ( and the pharmacist ) ended up realizing, maybe a bit too late, that all i really wanted was permission to be hurt and the space to move on. i probably would have been happier without my revenge plots and obsession with making others feel the way i did. i didn’t NEED to justify my own suffering. i could just look at it and decide it was fucked up. the people who hurt me didn’t need to acknowledge that. and i’m not saying that everyone is the way i am, nor that they should be. but when it comes to people like myself and the pharmacist, what we needed was to stop obsessing about other people and start thinking about ourselves. because even when you think you’ve made them properly suffer, even when you think they might admit that they were wrong, there’s always something to strike at you. make you feel empty and hollow, make you wonder if this was ever what you wanted, if you’re right to do this or if it just makes you the same as they were. for the pharmacist, anyway, this is what minerva is: everything disappears. even dreams. i suppose i just flew too close to the sun.

Chapter 1: The Double End

Notes:

before i let you all go, just a note for chapter one: i very much wanted to include luule's cruel prank on cassidy that deeply affected their relationship and luule's overall reputation in the group, but guilherme did Not care about that lmao. i was going to include a list of other chapter one highlights but a lot did happen this chapter — it's one of my favourite minerva chapters for that reason alone. unpopular opinion. but chapter one is precious to me and very much set the tone for the entire game.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

he always knew people wouldn’t get it in the end. 

hands rapidly try solution after solution, mind churning out nothing but practicalities. would anyone ever get what it means to be a puzzle-solver? what it feels like to have a problem in your hands and turn it over, eliminate possibility after possibility until nothing remains but the solution? everyone wanted to play detective, to run off to see if they could pry off the vents, get the tight-lipped pharmacist to drop their act. he tagged along, of course. just because you’re sure your captors wouldn’t make it so easy for you to escape doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea to get as much info as you can. but there was just… a hope shining in people’s eyes that never touched guilherme’s.

he’s still a kid, something he won’t ever let himself forget, a lazy sort of guy that dodges responsibility and effort at every turn. lips upturned in a mild quirk when mat offers up that he can be shaggy, and soma scooby — knowing he’s part of a crew like that is… heartening, he guesses. 

no one really ran with him at home.

it doesn’t change that they only have a week. if the establishment is serious about kidnapping all of them, it only makes sense that the execution date looming a week in advance is very real. kill someone to escape, but the murderer’s going to be punished if they’re found out.  

guilherme’s flaw has always been that he’s not dedicated enough to be a real sherlock about things. a real shits and giggles kind of guy, who only solves puzzles when they’re fun ones to solve. this one… isn’t. it’s not designed to be cracked, and it’s clear from the fruitless investigation the gang carried out that these kidnappers knew exactly who they were dealing with. being america’s best and brightest — no matter how he cringes and rolls his eyes at the term — wasn’t going to help them.

maybe that’s why he was so active those first few days. tagging along in a group, swiping a dose of cyanide just in case , dismantling a piece of the incinerator and handing it off to someone more responsible than he’ll ever be. the powder kept bumping around in his pocket, a heavy burden the puzzle solver didn’t want to bear. turned over the rule lazily in his head, hardly concealing the growing anxious pit at the base of his stomach — would suicide count? should he even risk it?

guil likes to think he’s a good guy, even if he knows he’s not. but he’s not that good. not good enough to die for a bunch of strangers. sure, he could tag along, aid in an investigation he knows won’t yield any results. float in their group like he’s indulging in some last hurrah. 

but if it weren’t for the golden opportunity, he would have died with his class. shouldn’t they get that? 

if an opportunity like that falls in your lap, why wouldn’t you take it? wouldn’t it just be instinct? or is that just the curse of whatever analytical mind the newspapers said he had, when he always thought he was a regular guy, lazy and cowardly?

he knew the mystery gang was going to investigate the pharmacy that night. their last night before their execution day. and guilherme wanted to go, but he couldn’t just pretend anymore. hid in the trash room, sitting among the piles of paper, waiting for the clamour of his friends to pass by. like he was doing something wrong. but he wasn’t. not yet, he means. he didn’t plan to.

and then he just kept wandering the basement halls, lighting up a cigarette in the incinerator room, heading back to sit in the trash. until he saw her. 

silver-haired dark horse. an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. the solution he’d been waiting for.

i won’t die tonight. that’s all he was thinking. barely saw her expression contorted in pain. didn’t even know her name. maybe that made it easier. maybe he would have done it even if it was mat lying there, twitching violently, spasming, unable to speak. 

he uncaps the bottle. wrenches open her unwilling mouth. pours the powder down her throat. 

he’s done enough. kicks the empty bottle into the trash room, lazy even in homicide. why should he care? he’s going to die soon. going to die for the perfect opportunity. he can even convince himself he did it for them . for the strangers he’s been trapped with for a week. why else would he have stuck his neck out? it can’t have been instinct. guilherme de oliveira soares wouldn’t seal his fate on instinct.

maybe it was mercy. it likely was. that girl was going to die of the poison in her shackles that he feared so relentlessly. this way, she died quickly. painlessly. and they’d get out.

sure, he felt guilty. knew as soon as the owl said the murderer would be punished if they tampered with evidence that the stupid poison would be his undoing. snuck glances at the detective as he busily flitted from location to location, gathering clues that would nail the puzzle solver’s coffin shut. no escape. but he still held out on his last few moments of life, kept his lips glued shut. he’s only human. don’t people get that, either?

the whole investigation grated on him. spent his time smoking in the trash room, going through half a pack in no time. remembers how fast he went through them, a dirty habit that confined him most days to the incinerator room. hands shaking when he realized how few he had left. he kept staring at the bottle on the floor, wanting to kick some trash over it, but knowing his life would be swiftly ended if he did. no more devil-may-care actions. 

soma’s questioning caught him off guard, lump worsening in his throat when he was asked about the missing cyanide dose. didn’t think ahead. that pharmacist hadn’t seemed like the thorough type to guilherme, though he guesses a missing dose of poison would be found out sooner or later. he doesn’t get it — don’t these people want them to kill each other? closes his eyes and exhales, since he figures it’s part of the whole kidnapping deal that they’re making it difficult for them.

he just wanted a fuckin’ hug, man.

buries his face in soma’s sweet-smelling shoulder. that warm sugar smell makes him feel… despair. something soul-deep that he can’t place. he wants to survive, has always wanted that, but it wouldn’t have been so bad if he survived with them. mat, soma, and luule.

the trial is nerve-wracking. he’s still holding onto hope that they won’t find him out, but as it keeps clicking forward, he finds foes in mat and namie. hadn’t paid much attention to the medical researcher, if he’s being honest — uptight girls aren’t his type, and as he’s spent a while trying to prove to people, he doesn’t swing the other way. but she’s relentless — keeps pointing out him, deimos, and claude. always looking at him with those cold, assessing eyes… and he just knows it’s time to throw in the towel. has been backed too far into a corner to prolong it any longer.

he lifts his head, grins at mat in an attempt to be reassuring. “yeah, ya got me. i killed riza.”

he knew the detective was a stickler for rules, careful and cautious about breaking them, but he still didn’t expect him to rear back like that, to start coming for his throat like he’s some murderer and not just a chronic opportunist. everyone else understood, or had the decency to keep quiet.

so what? you’re a hero for killing an innocent girl?

why would he say that? guilherme’s just a kid, just a kid!

the last thing she saw was you!

but he didn’t see her. never did. can barely remember what she looked like. remembers forcing her mouth open, if he takes a step back and tries to think about it, which he doesn’t want to do. not now. not when his choice is going to get him killed, when all he was doing was trying to survive.

and he’d even tried! tried to kill himself, but he chickened out. wanted to confess, but chickened out. anyone would! he’s no more a coward than anyone else!

at least claude jumps to his aid — at least, he thinks his name was claude. it’s too much effort to remember, so he lets it all happen. focuses instead on hu tao, asking him about his beloved mother. one he’ll never see again.

“my mom… her name is mariana nascimento oliveira — she’s caring and fun, even if she can be stern. we used to play chess together back home…” this whole situation is unfair. he hiccups, sniffling on his podium. cornered, and he knows his time’s run out. he wants his mom. at least the faces around him all seem sympathetic. not that awful namie, she looks cold and disinterested. but the worst of it all was seeing mat. hearing him. all those disgusting accusations being lobbed at him, when guilherme’s already convinced himself that he was doing it for all of them. that he’s just a kid, shouldn’t have even been in this situation.

at least now that he’s dying, he doesn’t need to worry about the rules. turns to the audience to scorn them. how could they just sit by and let this happen? they’re just kids. innocent kids with hopes and futures.

who can blame me? he wailed all the way to the grave. i want my mom. i was just a kid.

Notes:

so here we are. 5000 characters to describe everything i feel about ch1. i’ve decided to be relatively transparent about things now that we’re a year out, since i think it might be easier to talk about my thought process when i’m not trying to rephrase things to be more diplomatic. i think what people remember most about chapter one is the very end of the trial, which is what i decided to depict in this chapter. if i had a chance to rewrite it… well, i probably wouldn’t, but if i had the time and space to really expand this fic, i would very much have included more aspects of ch1. because the truth is, it was probably my favourite chapter to run. i’ve always been fascinated by that part in dr1 where all the characters are canvassing the school in hopes that they’ll find a way to escape, only for them to realize that there’s no way out. i personally believe every kg should have that element to it; it humanizes the cast and gets them into a mindset where they reasonably would start to wonder if they should start killing each other. and it’s fun to write! i don’t think many people remember how much fun ch1 was! everyone was investigating, trying to find a way out. gil broke into the office, the mystery gang broke into the pharmacy. a fragment of deva’s student card was found. gil got poisoned by the shackles. there was that whole sidequest with waylon the worm. a lot HAPPENED in chapter one, and that cast closeness never truly gets replicated. which was the point! ch2 was supposed to mark the beginning of a distance between the cast members. they start attending classes and clubs with so many other people, and they start to doubt if the whole thing in the basement was even real when their school life feels so relatively normal. hence why i knew this chapter was the one where characters would get cemented. the entire cast is in close quarters for that whole chapter, and i knew that whoever was able to be reasonably active during that week of gameplay would end up being remembered for the entire game.

there were a lot of things i WANTED for minerva that didn’t end up happening, but ch1 was one of those things that i’ve learned to love in hindsight. a lot of things in chapter one ended up being pulled through into later chapters. maude, for example, who was never a planned character but ended up being a potential mastermind candidate. luule targeting cassidy when she was already planned to mess with his body in ch3 became something else to work with. guilherme making an impassioned speech to the crowd about anti-torture when he was literally responsible for hundreds of children being captured, tortured, and killed? come on. and his “parting gifts” were able to be pulled in for the blue trial. and of course, the claude and mat fallout that came out of literally nowhere, the claude and mat fallout that almost ended the game in its tracks, the claude and mat fallout that forced us to re-evaluate the entire trajectory of the mastermind plot… THAT claude and mat fallout? well, we got the rooftop thread out of it and now i can’t imagine minerva panning out with the mastermind plot i originally had in mind, so i guess all the grey hairs and suicidality were worth it in the end.

all things considered, though, it’s relatively easy to rewrite the first chapter’s murder to be in line with what it was meant to be. guilherme pulling a teruteru at the end really DOESN’T change much about the plot in general, which is why i decided to write it out in this manner. interestingly enough, the most major change is riza’s character. she was originally slated to be much more active and was supposed to try to lead the charge on several escape attempts, all of which were reckless and would dose her with poison. she would be constantly hiding that from the rest of the group, though, until she committed her last rule-breaking act (depicted in-game) and was lethally dosed with poison. meanwhile, guilherme had stolen the cyanide early on and was considering using it on himself, hoping that it would count as a murder and therefore, would make it so that only one person would die. still, he was too scared to do it, and tried to ask in the group chat if anyone was open to drawing straws to be killed (drawing straws! dr2 reference!). and when he stumbled across riza dying, he’d decide that the most efficient thing to do would be to kill her with the cyanide, so that her death would count as a murder and it wouldn’t be in vain. it was meant to showcase guilherme’s logical and callous thought process, and was meant to make the murder case itself quite morally ambiguous. it’s true that riza’s death might have been meaningless if guilherme hadn’t killed her. but was it still right to do so? the cast was meant to be divided, which didn’t end up happening due to the mental fatigue of the players and the whole blubberfest going on with guilherme. but i digress. i’ve already hit my character limit, so… yeah! chapter one.