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Changbin was avoiding him.
He was sure about that, he knew he was right about that, there was no denying of the situation. If it happened once, maybe he could’ve skip thinking about it, but twice or even thrice? No, something must’ve happened that Hyunjin didn’t realize before.
Maybe he wasn’t the problem himself, maybe something happened because of the fatigue for the comeback and the older was only tired for the constant overworking. At the end, they were all a little tired from doing interviews and showcases, it was normal, and even if it made Hyunjin fall asleep in his bed before he could even wear his pajama properly, he would’ve never changed it for anything else, the adrenaline was intoxicating in those cases.
So he thought at least, but then he noticed how the rapper would interact with the others and they all seemed… so normal? As if there was nothing wrong, and it made him freeze sometimes, because when they would go for skinship with Changbin and the dancer decided to join to enjoy an hug or a teasing, the other would stiffen in the hold, escaping every type of contact possible with him after a second, as if he was remembering something of displeasure, but smiling at him, as to not let him notice. It’s not like he was actually avoiding him completely, but the usual hugs and touches weren’t there, and it was to say a lot about the rapper, since he was a very affectionate person, specially with him, above all since three months before, when they finally decided to declare their feelings for each other.
It wasn’t easy, Hyunjin was pining after him for a while, but never felt the bravery to actually doing something even if Changbin would always flirt with him, convincing himself that it was a behavior he had with all the members or that he was just playing to not be let down. He completely misunderstood the situation, since the older was actually pining after him even for more time, trying to see his reaction at his flirting like that and putting his heart at peace since he was already waiting to be rejected even without a real confession. They were just so focused on their own idea of reject that they couldn’t see that they were actually always looking at each other, frustrating the other members that often told them to just take a room and avoid being sappy in their presences. Hyunjin could count on both his hands the time he wanted to kick Jisung for joking about it, since he always felt like he was making fun of him after he confessed his feeling for their hyung to his friend some time before. But Minho would always grin at him in a menancing way when he tried, stopping him in his tracks. Kicking Jisung’s ass wasn’t worth his life, even if he wanted to do it really bad.
After having all the members tell them both that they were stupid and they should’ve just talk, surely fed-up of their non-stop complaining about the fact that one couldn’t confess if not by flirting and the other couldn’t believe it was real, making the situation as a cat that was biting its tail in vain. So it was like an eternal battle between two parallel line that couldn’t meet, until one day, it just happened. Hyunjin remembered it well, though with a little of rose colored lenses, because even if he kept recalling it as someway romantic, it wasn’t exactly the right way to describe it.
It was on the break before the comeback, stuck as they were preparing everything, and it meant long nights dancing, recording, changing ideas and deciding to re-do it to make it perfect. It was something that the younger admired in the rapper, the focus he had and the way he always gave his 100% in everything he did. Not that Hyunjin worked any less, but it was something that he really appreciated in the other, even if it made him worry sometimes for his health. He knew perfectly that no one in the group was that good in taking care of themselves, but Changbin (and Chan, because no one was worse than Chan in doing that) was on another level. Always being reliable for the others, taking care of everyone when they needed and often giving up something to make someone else happy, without asking for anything back or being thanked for it and even being able actually to take care of himself a little too. Everyone knew that the rapper was that way but a little delusional part of Hyunjin’s brain was sure that he knew him better since he wasn’t able to take his eyes off him. And he actually thought the other noticed, but that never happened.
It was just another late night at the studio, Hyunjin was repeating their dance break for the umpteenth time, feeling like his limbs could fall off any time soon, but he couldn’t stop. He was almost there, but he was the center and his perfectionist side couldn’t accept anything less than a more than perfect performance. So he danced again and again until he was so dizzy that he was almost falling for every turn he did. He stopped on his track, losing his sneaker and blinking few times while watching his reflection in the mirror. Was he crooked right? Or was the room that seemed to be falling on one of the side? The dizzyness came all at once, as usual, the irritating sensation of sleep and overwhelm that just made him turn off every possible way to actually do something. Even thinking was hard right now, it seemed like his mind was floating around, difficult to form a thought, even worse a full sentence that could actually make sense. He groaned, hitting his forehead slightly with the index’s fingertip in an accusatory motion, since the light pain usually would at least wake his brain enough to know what to do, but it wasn’t the case, since the fuzzy sensation didn’t seem to go away. Whining, he walked around few times, as if to wait for it to go away, but it didn’t, actually it made it worse, making him sigh and ruffle his own hair, as if the shaking could move something in his brain to make it work.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, it was like trying to grab a cloud that kept going away from his hand and even when he was able to catch it, it just disappear in thin air.
He knew it would happen eventually, overwhelmed as he was in that period of time, since the preparations for the comeback were many and he didn’t seem to catch up to anything, but at the same time he hoped he could avoid it. Because that meant he needed to rest, and resting was a way he would lose time he could use to dance or sing or do anything that could improve himself to be good enough. No, he couldn’t think that, his friends didn’t like when he started to have doubts about his skills, it would make them sad, but now he didn’t have enough strenght to cheer himself up. Sighing, he pouted and started to walk outside the dance studio, step after step slowly. When he got outside the room, remembering to turn off the lights behind him somehow, he understood that he didn’t know what to do.
Maybe he needed to go home. Okay, home, easily. Home meant bed, bed meant rest.
It was an easy reasoning, even if it took him few minutes, staying in the hallway looking at the air.
Now it became more complicated.
How could he go home? Walking was hard, he could also get hurt in the meanwhile. It wasn’t an option. So, a car, he couldn’t drive, obviously. So he needed to call a cab. A cab, easy.
He took the phone out of his pocket, unlocking it thanks to the fingerprint and searched around for the app, scrolling slowly. He looked in all the pages without finding it, even though he was sure it was there, he used it not many days ago after all. He groaned again, feeling the urge to throw the device, while his eyes started to get irritated by the tears that wanted to come out.
It was getting worse little by little, he hated it so much. He would’ve preferred to get hurt or to have an ache somewhere. When you’re hurt, you can take a medicine, you can massage it, you can curse and keep to work through the pain, but what can you do when your mind just doesn’t work enough to know how to do something?
He could’ve called someone, but who? The manager maybe could get him home, but right now he didn’t even remember how he named him on the phone to do that. He didn’t even want to burden the others, even if he knew they would help him, they never judged him for that, even if he saw their worried gazes when it happened. It was just hard to see what to do, even if usually a nap would do the job good enough. But now a nap wasn’t an option, at least not there, still in the hallway.
He needed to go outside, so he moved, walking without really thinking about it, knowing that if he put too much thoughts on it, he would almost forget how to put a foot after the other. The elevator luckily was near, so he just enter there and clicked on the button. Except it was the wrong button, instead of going down, at the entrance, he pushed the one for the next floor, where there were the registration’s studios. He resisted from throwing his head to the wall, irritated by the situation, how was it that he couldn’t even click the right button? Was he that dumb?
When he heard the ping of the elevator that opened the doors, he slightly kicked his foot against the wall, raising his hand to click again, this time repeating the right number in his mind to not make mistakes. He just wanted to go home, the tiredness was eating him alive. But he stopped himself, a thought in his mind that became bigger and bigger, and he found himself out of the elevator before he could click the button, following the steps of his legs that were taking him somewhere without a direct order from the brain. He was faster, as if he just had a sip of adrenaline from being close to his destination, and he knocked on a door that he knew too well. No one answered, leaving him there, so he got worried that maybe who he was searching went home already, but the lights that came out from under the door told him another story. And in fact the door was unlocked, opening softly under his hand and showing the reason why he didn’t receive an answer.
Changbin was with his back to the door, headphones on his ears surely with a track that covered every other sound, hat on his head, while working on the said track on the computer. Hyunjin could see folders opening and closing with the quick click of his hyung on the mouse, an hum on his mouth that surely resembled what he was listening to. A sense of relief exploded in the younger’s body, like an hit of comfort that made his knees weak before taking the last steps, using his arms to wrap them around the others, that yelped, scared from the intrusion. The door closed behind them with a bang, while Changbin took out the headphones, making the hat fall too.
“Hyung.” he whined, letting himself fall on the back of the chair, as if he was made of rubber and couldn’t stand up alone. Changbin’s hands went quickly on his arms to keep him there, using his strenght to not let him fall on the floor.
“Hyunjinnie- hi.” the older whispered, slowly finding a way to turn around without ceasing to support him, until they were face to face. But just a second and Hyunjin was laid on him, his head on the other shoulder, scaring him. “Oi- you okay? Answer me.”
The younger nodded on his shoulder, though he couldn’t actually move that much since his face was pressed on the fabric. The position wasn’t even that comfortable, like a panda that fell on the floor on his face and couldn’t get up. He mouthed with a whisper a simple “sleepy”, and the other understood, helping him in standing up again, this time doing the same moviment so Hyunjin could lean on him even with the difference in their heights. It wasn’t the first time he saw him in that type of situation, so he knew at least in general what to do, even if every case was different. The only important thing was to make him rest a little bit, so without doubts he took him on the sofa that luckily was in the room, often the bed he used when he couldn’t go home to work on something new. Hyunjin sit there quietly, eyes down while blinking slowly, making the older worry while he kneeled in front of him, on the floor.
“Jinnie, what do you want? Are you hungry? Do you want to go home?”
At those so many questions, he frowned irritated, not that he couldn’t understand the worry, but at the same time he couldn’t find an answer for any of those, making him angry.
“No ask, hyung. Mind- empty.” and he patted the side of his head softly, fixing the hair that fell on his face even if they came back, tickling his cheeks. Changbin quickly fixed them again, this time putting them behind his ears. If he was in right mind, Hyunjin surely would’ve blushed, but in that state, he grasped the other’s hand to keep it there, leaning his head on it, like a cat that requested pets. It was the case of Changbin to blush, coughing a little before he was able to answer him correctly.
“Okay, let’s be simple. Pain?”
He shooked his head.
“Hunger?”
Again, no.
“Just tired?”
This time he nodded.
“Okay, then hyung will call someone to take you home.” and he moved to get up, making the younger whine. At the same time, without Changbin keeping him, he just lied there on the sofa clumsily, keeping his eyes closed this time.
“Here.”
“You can’t sleep here, Jinnie.” from the frown that he was doing, Hyunjin was sure he seemed a kid throwing a tantrum, but he couldn’t help himself. The older wasn’t understanding, not that it was his fault, in those case, neither he could understand what he needed.
“You don’t want to go home?”
“Soft.” and he patted the sofa, still eyes closed, the mind still floating around from the tiredness. He could feel himself falling asleep but it wasn’t enough. Then he sensed an hand in his hair, combing them softly, like a caress that made him sigh happily, receiving a giggle from Changbin.
“Okay, stay here and take a nap. I’ll go and end the work and then we’ll go home together if you’re okay.” Hyunjin thanked him in his mind for whispering, since any loud noise could actually take him outside that cloud of comfort he was living in, but that sentence was too long, confusing him a little. He heard only “I’ll go” and he opened his eyes, taking the older’s hand between his own, shooking his head again.
“You don’t want me to go?”
“No. Just… here.” and he patted again the sofa, hoping Changbin would understand what his idea was. The other blinked his eyes, thinking that he was reading the situation bad, since yeah, he and Hyunjin cuddled sometimes, but it was always few minutes in moment they wouldn’t talk about, like when watching a movie and the younger would move his legs on his to be comfortable. There was never a real request, even if the other would cherish those moments in his heart, thinking that the younger would never accept anything else from him. It was like that, Changbin already made up his mind long time ago, preferring to just pine for him instead of having himself rejected and ruining their relationship.
“You want- me to sleep with you?” he asked softly, this time because he couldn’t believe what he was saying, as if he didn’t want to do a mistake that would just ruin everything. Hyunjin opened his eyes completely, for an instant lucid enough, but he just nodded, moving so he would be against the back of the sofa, leaving actually not much room to be in two on the couch, but they would make it work. “Are you sure?” he asked again.
“I swear to- hyung, lay here or if you don’t want to, just leave me.” the fact that he could form a sentence that long meant that he was getting angry. He just hated when people would get indecisive about his decisions, if he said that, he meant that, specially since when he was like that, the filter between brain and mouth would delete itself pretty easily. Normally in fact he would have never asked the other to sleep by his side, too shy ad scared, but sleepiness took with itself bravery and so they were, waiting for the older to do anything.
And he did, sliding by his side, the hands that went easily around the younger so that they could balance each other without falling. It was uncomfortable, a lot actually, but neither of them wanted to complain about it or say anything, fearing that it would be the wrong word. Hyunjin just sighed contently, actually going a little close, at which Changbin stayed still, not knowing what to do, because yes, he perfectly saw that the younger in those situations would be much affectionate, but he didn’t want to overcome boundaries without talking before.
“Relax.” the younger said, so quietly that for a second Changbin thought he was imagining it, but at the end he followed the suggestion, releasing the tension off his shoulders, a swallow in his throat.
“Better?” he asked, to not let the silence make him overthink. In front of him, Hyunjin was like an angel, the messy hair like an halo around his face that seemed to be relaxed fully for the first time in a while. Changbin resisted the desire to pinch his cheek, just smiling, knowing the other wouldn’t see him, with his sleepy eyes closed.
“Mh.” was it a yes? It seemed like that so he just took it like that. “Hyung is soft too.”
“Am I?” a giggle escaped the older’s lips, thinking about how much cute was the younger “Hyung will be your bed for tonight.” it was a joke but it didn’t seem like Hyunjin catched that, not reacting at all at his words, for a moment he actually thought that he fell asleep, but the other opened his eyes slowly, not saying anything “Because hyung loves you very much.” why was he talking again?
“I love you too, hyung.” the whispered answer of the dancer surprised him, because he talked without thinking about it, ready to apologize for overstepping, but that warmed his heart. Usually he would’ve done aegyo, joking about it, but he knew how much vulnerable the younger was in those situations, how much real those feelings were. Not that he doubted that, but hearing it was something else.
“I know.” he said instead, but the other frowned, closing his eyes again.
“No.”
“No?”
“You don’t.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because you don’t love me like I do.” the tiredness was taking over it seemed, making every letter more like a breath with a different sound, the words a little eaten for the way he didn’t open his mouth enough to articulate properly.
“What do you mean with that?” Changbin’s mind was at crossroads, to hope or to be disintegrated completely, he didn’t know what would happen. He felt guilty of using that weakness of Hyunjin to know the answer, but he also was sure that if the other didn’t want him to discover anything, he would be able to shut up and tell him to go away. He trusted that, and it was enough.
“If you loved loved me, we would have done this… every night.” the last words were like a sigh, disappearing in the breath that made him fell asleep on the spot, the tiredness that won over his body. Changbin instead was staring at him with eyes wide open, remaining in that position for over an hour, different opinions that swirled in his head. There were the good ones that told him how “cuddling every night” could only mean “being boyfriends” because with who would you do that if not with a partner? At the same time it wasn’t a real confession, so maybe he was just hoping in that reality? But he couldn’t do that, not if the only outcome was to get crushed by his expectations. Thinking and thinking, at the end he fell asleep too.
And in that way they were found the morning after, hugged on that little couch that seemed ready to explode if they moved around too much, Hyunjin leaned on his chest, a little drool that came out of his mouth in the night, Changbin with his arms tight around his waist. Minho and Chan found them in that position, lines of worry on the leader’s face and a smirk on the other’s, while they waited for them to stand up to start the lecture about everything that happened. Because they stayed in the studio the night, without even sending a text to warn them, knowing well that they should’ve rested at least a little, specially with Hyunjin in that condition. That condition that was the biggest worry for the oldest, since it meant that he wasn’t taking care well enough of himself. They also forgot to turn off the computer in the room, risking to overheat it, and Hyunjin also left the radio on in the dance’s studio.
“And the shoe.” joked Minho, showing the object in his hand, refusing to give it back and leaving the younger to walk till the car on a feet only, supported by Changbin that still kept remembering the night before, even in those few minutes on the road to their apartments. They were silent during the whole thing, not having enough bravery to talk, and the other duo seemed to have noticed, if the gazes they were exchanging were a sign. Like usual, Chan seemed to worry only more, while Minho smirked, patting his thigh while driving, as if he already understood what happened, receiving a questioning look from the other.
When they arrived at the building, Minho went to the others’ apartments, waving at the with the shoe that still didn’t return, shouting a “good luck” before disappearing behind his door, leaving the trio walking to theirs, Chan confused, Hyunjin embarassed and Changbin hopeful. The oldest went directly to his room, rubbing his eyes while leaving the two alone, not saying anything, if he understood the situation or was oblivious, they didn’t get it. But at the end, they were there, alone in the kitchen, not knowing what to say or even if they should say anything at all.
The older was the one who spoke, coughing a little before doing that, not even having the bravery to look into the other’s eyes.
“I don’t know if you remember anything about yesterday night-”
“I do.” was the breathless interruption of the younger, who instead looked at him with shiny eyes, a scared expression on his face while he was torturing his lower lip with his teeth.
“-but… just to tell you, I would like to cuddle with you every night too.”
It wasn’t a real confession, but it seemed enough to at least move something in their relationship, under the curious gazes of the others, that were ready to tease them at every possible moment. Obviously it was all support by them, but they couldn’t say “hey we’re happy for you”, that would’ve been too not Stray Kids, so they just mocked them and joked about their being lovey dovey, making them blush every single time. Minho seemed always to have the upper hand too, since he was the first to notice the shift, but he was also the quietest, just grinning at them when the others weren’t looking.
Also because they took everything very slowly, taking as a win every little step they did together. The first “date” went really awkward soon, not even knowing what to say before starting to laugh since it wasn’t like the first time they went together somewhere. It didn’t have to change something, they just could… add something else. Something they did with great pleasure too.
Three months passed and here they were, still together, happily too. Or at least that was what Hyunjin thought until the strange behavior of his boyfriend started. He noticed it some days before, at first not giving it too much thought since he was sure it would stop eventually after a good night of sleep for the older, but when he went to his room to sleep together, the other just told him that he was too tired and that he would’ve preferred to stay alone for the night, even if he admitted some time before that he would actually rest better with him there to cuddle. Did he lie when he said that? Was just a sop to make him happy? It didn't seem the case, since they had started to sleep together at night (sleep, just sleep) the dark bags under his eyes were less visible and he seemed to shine more, well rested. So why did he leave him behind the closed door, pillow in hand and a dejected expression on his face?
Even Jisung, that saw the scene, didn't know what to tell him when their eyes met, shrugging while he was brushing his teeth, a trickle of drool on his chin. It happened even the day after and the next one too, and now that they slept apart five days in a row, it made Hyunjin restless since if usually he would be tired, those thoughts and the confusion of not knowing what was going on kept him awake at night, hugging the little Dwaekki that Changbin got him as a joke present for their first monthversary. If the plushie was a little wet on the forehead for some tears that escaped from his eyes in a weak moment, it was nobody's business to know.
He didn't want to ask at first, not even knowing how to start the discussion because "yes, I'm needy, thank you" wasn't a good reason to whine for sure and he wasn't able to think about something else entirely, so here he was, stuck in a loop of an half hug, an half kiss and sleepless nights alone with a too tiny plushie between his arms instead of his own boyfriend.
"You look like shit." and obviously Minho thought that it was an encouraging thing to say, just to twist the knife in his open wound, typical of his hyung. Hyunjin just hummed without answering, no strenght in his body for the little rest he had in the last week and the way they were training from that early morning, leaving him sweaty on the floor in a star position to catch his breath, eyes on the ceiling. It wasn't that late but the others already went somewhere else, leaving the two alone, knowing they would return late home for sure. At first even the older wanted to go home, but since the younger didn’t budge about his training, he decided to remain to keep him company and to control him, to avoid another hit of tiredness. After last time they were a little more careful, but most of the time Changbin was with him anyway, checking on him and helping in not overdoing too much. But that didn’t same the case now.
The main dancer appeared in his vision, looking at him from above, an unusual neutral expression, hands on his hips in a maternal way, before lying by his side with a thump, back on the floor.
"You really look like shit." Minho repeated, emphasizing the – really - , as if Hyunjin wasn't answering his provocations because he didn't hear him, not because he was ignoring him. Like last time, he received just an hum as an answer.
"I didn't know you auditioned for a guest role in All of Us are Dead, you could've told me."
"I didn't audi- hyung." a whine escaped his lips before he could understand that he got played, as usual, by the older, that grinned at the ceiling, satisfied that he finally received an answer from him.
"Gotcha.” and he laughed, the menace “Anyway, you're our visual, you can't go out like that." at that Hyunjin rolled his eyes, not having enough strenght to actually start a fight or even bicker a little.
"As if you aren't a visual too.” he replied, without spirit “And I don't think anyone cares."
"With anyone you mean your boyfriend perhaps?” full point, 100% precision, all in “You know, short, loud, muscle but no brain? That one. Because if you're talking about him, then you're really dumb if you think he doesn't care." Minho, as usual, understood everything, but Hyunjin expected that, so it didn't surprise him at all, even if he bit his lip anyway, in annoyance. Was he that easy to read?
"Nah, it's just that you all are pretty dumb." he answered, as if he could actually read his thoughts, leaving the aura of mistery.
"I remember you that those dumbs there are your friends. And don’t think you’re better than us." he answered in offense, receiving only a breathless chuckle, as if the joke wasn’t about him but on Hyunjin.
"You’re not my friends though, I just bear with you most of the time.”
"Yeah yeah, Minho-hyung is cold and aloof." he teased him.
"Obviously.” the older popped his lips annoyed, ending that part of the conversation “First, let's fix the visual of our Hyunjinnie, so that he can shine like the star star star star he is." and he hum their title track as a mocking, making him smile since it was a very stupid joke "Why do you think Changbinnie doesn't care about you? When you're together he's always so lovey dovey, so aegyo, bleh, it makes me want to puke on you so you could stop." and he did a choking sound too to prove his point.
"I think he's cute." confessed Hyunjin, annoyed a little bit that he mocked his partner, while blushing covered his cheek that got puffy because of the smile that formed on his face.
"I know. If you had good taste you would've had a crush on me, but it's not the case."
"Not too late, hyung." he joked even doing a finger gun and a wink, knowing that the other couldn’t see him for the positions they were, but that didn’t stop Minho from kicking him on his leg, in a way that made the younger laugh, since they were still on the floor so it didn’t do much.
"Don't you even try to joke about it." he replied disgusted "And also I remember you that you're taken."
"Yeah- you should remember the other one in the relationship." he said bitterly, remembering every single occasion that made him insecure in those days, a sigh escaping his lips.
"Problems in paradise? That's why you're like this, because you can't sleep without your Binnie." the usual rush of happiness that he would've felt when someone would call Changbin "his" was covered completely by the sadness, making him nod while his eyes started to blur what was around him, even if he would've said it was the neon line pointed at his corneas. "And that's why you're dumb, for not talking to him after ten days. Not that I care that much but at least stop pouting in front of me, it’s disgusting. Not that it isn’t when you make out on the couch, but at least it’s easier to clean than mucus.”
The usual Minho that used insults as a way to comfort people even when they didn't know they needed help. Hyunjin sniffed before his brain registered what he listened to, sitting up so he could watch the other's face, that looked at him without moving at all, a clear expression that didn’t reveal anything but made obvious that it wasn’t the only thing he wanted to say.
"What do you mean ten days? It passed only a week." he told him, raising an eyebrow suspicious.
"A week since you noticed." answered calmly Minho, blinking at him, like a teacher that was explaining something that should have been easy to a toddler that just couldn’t get it.
"Wait- so he was like this even before? But we slept together eight days ago." he tried to understand, remembering the timing to be sure about his chronology. He remembered it well enough, he was a little cold so Changbin decided to spoon him, letting him play with his hands while he was falling asleep, pinching his fingertips. But now that he saw again the memory in his mind, the other was silent the entire time and he woke up alone the day after, the bed cold as if the older left him much time before, and then everything that he noticed happened. Was it possible that he didn’t notice other things too?
Minho's loud sigh woke him up from his overthinking, claiming his attention while he stood up, flicking his fingers on Hyunjin's forehead in the meanwhile, receiving a dramatic scream of pain as a reaction.
"I thought you wouldn't hit a dummy." he exclaimed, quoting him from some time before, while massagging the hurt part that surely was becoming red pretty easily under his hands.
"You can't become more stupid, we don't risk anything, don't worry. Also, I don’t want to know about your sex life, ugh." and he made a disgusted expression, for then start to stretch again as if he didn’t say anything, looking at himself in the mirror to re-start the practice.
"We s-l-e-p-t, hyung.” he spelled, emphasizing every letter “Do you know what's happening?" asked then hopeful, thinking that maybe he would make him have some answers, but Minho didn't seem inclined to it, not even looking at him but focused on his figure.
"Obviously.” said with accusatory tone, because it was true, Minho always knew what was going on, it didn’t matter who was the protagonist of the fact “And I say that at least you're soulmates considering that you don’t even make a functioning braincell in a couple."
"YAH what do you mean with that?"
"That you shouldn't be called ChangJin by the fans, but Dumb and Dumber." he kept going, but Hyunjin understood that it was a way to divert his attention, knowing that usually he would’ve taken the bait on the spot.
"I don't wanna answer that- hyung, can you please tell me what's happening?" he begged, because he didn’t know what to do anymore, and any direction would at least help him to know with way to take. Minho finally looked at him through the mirror, a sad smile that was more the turning up of his lips’ corners.
"I told you enough. Think about what happened ten days ago, then go talk with him so I can stop getting worried about you two. I swear it’s nothing big but… you know how he is."
"Aw, so you worry about us." Hyunjin teased him doing a kissy face, just to irritate him and end the conversation, because if Minho didn’t want to tell him anything else, then they didn’t need to say anything more.
"Do you want to get air fried, Hyunjinnie? Let's start the practice again, hop hop." and with that the music started again.
It wasn’t until he came back home and prepared for the night that he thought again about the conversation they had. Minho left him at the door as usual, patting slightly his shoulder with a knowing expression before going away, leaving him alone in the apartment. Slowly because of the tiredness, he took a shower, relaxing his muscle under the water and sighing relieved. Putting the pajamas on, he took a towel to dry his hair, walking in the apartment while patting his head to not let the drops soak the floor, since he already had an argument with Jisung some time before, only because the other was so clumsy that he fell on a single drop of water. Surely the 3racha were still at the company, since no even a single noise was heard in the rooms and the only light that was on was the kitchen’s, where he was to see if there was food in the fridge.
Ramen, as usual. But it would work, he didn’t enough energy to do anything else, so he put it in the microwave, while turning on the TV in the wait, to see if there was something to watch. Usually, he would’ve gone already in Changbin’s room, but he felt a little like he would be intruding, so he preferred to stay in the common room, on the sofa. If the other would’ve liked to join him or to let him in his room, he would have to say something. Hyunjin himself didn’t know if he was being petty or if he was scared that he would have to remain the entire evening there, without an invite. Maybe he was being overdramatic, like the others sometimes told him. The end of the timer woke him up from his thoughts, so he took the little package, sitting carefully on the sofa with a leg under the other, attentive to not spill any soup on the couch, since he didn’t want to let the apartment stink of soup for a month like last time.
It was odd being alone, not that he was whining about it, being in a group of eight guys sometimes was a lot, but at the same time it was strange to not hear any noise or have any company while doing something. He chewed some food, cursing because it was too hot, an hand waving like a fan, as if it would help in any way, while with the other he put down the bowl to take the remote instead, opening Youtube, because honestly, he was too tired to watch a show or a drama, even a film seemed to be too much, making him groan just at the thought. Would he be watching video of cats all evening without a real reason? No, he wasn’t Minho, but he needed something with the same level of focus, also because he wanted to think about what his hyung said, so he could understand the hint that was given to him.
Ten days before.
He couldn’t even remember what he ate that morning, or even if he actually ate anything at all that morning, so trying to recall something so many days before wasn’t easy, but he tried. So.
Ten days before.
Surely they had a performance, maybe… Countdown? Music Bank? No, it was Inkigayo. To be sure he searched on the tv, nodding when a little text said “10 days ago” under the performance of that day. Okay, so it was that. Without thinking much, he clicked to watch it, taking the bowl again in his hands now that it was colder enough to eat without cursing about everything. The performance was okay, perfect he would say, they had fun and it was visible, making him smile and hum the song a little bit during his own parts. He also tried to rap Changbin’s part, stumbling over some syllabes and deciding to leave it like that. At the end his boyfriend was also the ending fairy, putting two fingers against the side of his forehead, round cheeks and a pout on his lips. Hyunjin smiled widely, not even resisting at his boyfriend’s cuteness and kicking a little his feet in a way that he wouldn’t have done in front of any witness. He recalled thinking that he would’ve really liked to kiss those lips until they were red and puffy, he knew because he was thinking the same even now that he was just watching the video, blushing at his own thoughts. Gosh, was he that easy?
Answer given by his coscience that was a mix between his hyungs’ voices: yes, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit that.
Anyway, returning to his investigation, it was all normal, he didn’t notice anything that he would’ve considered strange. Did he perhaps giggled too much at Changbin’s cuteness and the other thought that he was laughing at him? But after the performance they hugged as usual and he also took a few minutes nap on his shoulder while the older was touching his hair, so, nothing odd. But also, something must’ve happened. He looked at the ceiling, trying to remember what they did next, maybe an interview? Oh yeah, one of those in english, but he couldn’t remember which one. He pinched the bridge of his nose annoyed, clicking to refresh the Youtube’s page, noticing a video with the text “NEW” on it, and it seemed to be his lucky day because he was almost sure it was the interview they did that day, if the outfits didn’t confuse him. He clicked on, not even remembering anything about what they did. Usually the interviews were all mixed up in his mind, ending one and starting another, but when they were in english his confusion was even worse since he focused more on not making any mistake, even if he could see himself improving with the time. For a moment he sympathized with the horrified expression of the Minho on the screen.
It was one of the few times they could actually choose their seats and as usual in those cases, Changbin was behind him, so he could put an hand on his shoulder without being too touchy, tickling his back with his knee. In that way they could interact without being too visible, since they knew that if they were put next to each other, they wouldn’t resist being almost in each other’s laps.
“And without lose yourselves in each other’s eyes.” would add Han, doing kissy faces to mock them. How much he hated him (affectionate).
It was a simple Q&A with questions from the fans taken from a glass jar, nothing too strange. They asked who was the messiest in the dorms (Felix, as usual, actually he didn’t know why they kept asking that), which country they would’ve liked to visit (and it started a debate since there were many places they wanted to travel to) or if they actually met the animals of their SKZOO’s versions (at which they remembered the time Felix came back to the dorm with an egg in his hands without a real reason). They laughed every now and then at the oddest ones but in general it was a chilling time, making him relax even now that he was on the couch watching it. Surely STAYs would love it.
“Which song would you like to cover?” the Hyunjin on the screen read out loud, chanting well the words to not stumble on them and receiving a light squeeze on his right shoulder from the older rapper, to show his pride. It wasn’t hard to read but the action made him smile anyway, even while watching it after a while. His own hand went to where he was touched on the screen without realizing it, squeezing before feeling the coldness of not having Changbin’s warm hand there. When was the last time they actually did it so casually as before?
Taken by his own thoughts, he missed those few moments he took to answer the question, a frown on his face because there were many songs he would’ve liked to cover but he needed just one.
“Can’t love you anymore by IU and OhHyuk, maybe?” he suggested, finally arriving at an answer while the others teased him screaming the title and lyrics of songs by JYP, Seungmin in the background mimicking their boss’s voice, making all of them laugh from their heart, because it didn’t matter how many time they heard him doing that, it was hilarious.
His friends reacted positevely at his answer and he thought he heard a whisper from Jisung that seemed to be “Obviously it was IU’s.”, even if in the video it didn’t seem to have been recorded. He didn’t remember saying that but he agreed with his past self, considering how much he loved that song. It was sorrowful but soft thanks to the singers’ voices that blended so well together. It was on his private playlist since the day the album Palette came out some years before, always giving it a listen when it came on shuffle. Now that he thought about it, he couldn’t remember a time he skipped it. And it was odd since he was the type to listen to the songs when he was in the mood for them, but he was always so amazed by the first notes of the melody that he always let it play, sometimes losing himself in his own mind too and feeling it as if it was the first time. It was always so good that in the years it became one of his favorite too, so it was an obvious song to suggest to cover. He actually didn’t think he could hit those notes that well, but a dream was a dream after all.
But returning to the video, Jeongin looked at him questioning, making him understand that he couldn’t remember the tune, and he hummed softly the chorus to remind him. It could be seen that he was nervous doing that, but he sang only few verses so the moment ended pretty soon, making him sigh by relief. The Hyunjin on the couch smiled awkwardly noticing the tremor of his past’s hands before posing them on his lap, biting softly his lower lip. The hand on his shoulder squeezed again while all the others clapped, Changbin covering him in compliments in his usual supportive and loud way, making him laugh.
“How great our Hyunjinnie! So good! So good!” he chanted, while doing thumbs up for the camera, making him laugh out loud, ending with the back of his head on the older’s knees for a second, before moving away, careful.
“Isn’t a popular song on Tik Tok now?” Felix asked, always informed about the newest trends, and Hyunjin nodded, since he saw many videos with the voice over of the bridge as a sound for those acting challenge, he didn’t care about that very much, but he was happy that the popularity of the track was raising thanks to that, he knew how much Tik Tok actually helped with it “But isn’t it a duet though? Who would you like to sing it with?”
Before he could even start thinking about how to answer, Changbin was on his feet, an hand in the air while excitedely shouting.
“ME! ME! Hyunjinnie, choose me!” he was goofy in the movements, putting both his hands on the younger’s shoulders and moving back and forth in a whine, like a kid throwing a tantrum. He was so cute that both the Hyunjin in the video and the one that was still eating laughed together, he absolutely loved when the other would joke around that way, he always felt so loved, making him sigh happily for a second before saddening suddendly. The tears stinged in his eyes, but he assigned the blame on the spicy meal, even if it was pretty bland and cold now. In the meanwhile, the other version of himself was using his finger to dry a laugh’s tear, gasping to take a deep breath before talking again, both the same and the opposite of the lonely version on the couch.
“I refuse this propose.” he said, keeping the joke going, turning to the older while forming an X with his arms, still a laugh on his lips “I really don’t want to sing this with you, hyung. But maybe… with Chan-hyung?” he proposed instead, at which the leader, that was a seat too away, stood up to give him an high five, eyes closed by how much he was smiling.
“Yeah, the Red Lights team is coming back!” Jisung exclaimed, raising both his hands in a cheer, making all of them laugh. The camera zoomed on Hyunjin then, to shoot again his laugh, and the video kept going normally, answering again at other questions until their final greeting and Youtube’s suggestion to watch another video, the timer’s circle at the center of the screen. He stopped it before it could change, frowning at his confusion. It’s not like they argued, even when they went home after the interview, they chilled on the couch as usual, watching a movie with the other 3racha and eating a bowl of popcorn. So maybe it was the interview the problem?
He rewinded the last minutes, and just then he noticed that after that question, he didn’t have an hand on his shoulder anymore.
He didn’t know how much time he stayed there, staring at the black screen of the television that turned off itself because of the timer. His reflection seemed to look at him pityfully in the twilight of the living room, interrupted by the flash of the light turned on that made him yelp, almost causing a disaster since when he jumped on the spot, he almost lost his grip on the ramen’s bowl, saving it at the last second before he could spill.
“Hyunjin? You’re still awake?” a voice asked after he cursed loudly, posing the not-finished ramen on the table to not let it happen again. He didn’t answer, but the steps in the room confirmed the return of the rappers’ trio, that waved at him, Chan first with a yawn, Jisung half asleep dangling on his spot and Changbin as last, looking down but still sending him a little smile. He returned it, not moving from the couch even when the other two told him good night, just waving at them, his eyes still on his boyfriend that was in the room. After few seconds of silence, he stood up popping his lips, taking all the trash he made to throw it in the bin, passing by Changbin’s side to go the kitchen. Just when he was a few centimeters from him, the older took him by the waist, pouting sleepily.
“No kiss?” he whined, making him laugh before lowering his head a little to leave a peck on the other’s cheek, just a second before moving away, just listening to him kicking his feet “Hyunjinnie, not there.” even if he wanted to scowl at him for his behavior of the last week, he couldn’t resist him when he acted like that, but he tried, he really did. He didn’t hide the smile on his face though when, right after freeing his hands from the trash, he was locked in an hug from behind, Changbin’s chin on his shoulder, looking at him.
“Are you on your tiptoes?” he teased him, receiving a roll eyes as an answer and a tentative to bite him on the cheek that he avoided easily.
“’M not. Anyway, my kiss?”
“Didn’t I already give one to you?” he answered, still teasing, while his hand went to cover on the ones on his waist. He tried to release the tension off his shoulders, but he just became even more rigid, biting the inside of his cheek when he noticed, because his mind couldn’t focus on anything else if not the other’s odd behavior. Changbin seemed to take note, blinking in a more serious expression, releasing him for a second so he could turn around and face him to see his expression.
“You okay?” he asked, worried this time.
“Yeah, just tired.” and it was true, the weight of not sleeping well and the stress was coming over him like a wave of slumber, but it was mostly the sadness that came over him, not knowing what to do. He wanted to just let it go completely and embrace his lover, but at the same time the rejection he received the past days wasn’t something he could overcome so easily without having any second guesses.
“Are you with me?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m awake enough.”
“Then you want to come and sleep in my room?” how much was Hyunjin waiting for those words? It was like honey in his ears, sweet and soft. He rested his forehead on the other’s shoulder, getting closer.
“With who?” he asked, unsure, the doubts going at his head again.
“Obviously. What? Do you want to ask Chan-hyung?” the other answered, laughing softly while leaving a soft kiss on his ear, making him move because of the ticklish sensation.
“What does Chan-hyung have to do with it now?” the question came out before he could think about it, leaving the room silent pending for Changbin’s reply.
“...nothing.” a sigh “Sorry, it came out of nowhere.” but it didn’t seem the case, there was something he wasn’t telling him and that was annoying Hyunjin so much. He couldn’t stand that silence anymore.
“Can you please tell me?” he asked, hiding his face in the space between the shoulder and the neck, searching a little of comfort.
“I wanted to do that, but- tomorrow, it’s… a long discussion.” the older seemed to be unsure himself, moving his hands as if he didn’t know what to do with them and sighing every now and then as if he was thinking what to say on the spot “Also, you’re falling asleep on me, let’s go to bed, okay?” and with that joke, Hyunjin decided to trust him. They would’ve talked tomorrow.
And the next day came with screams and shouts in the hallway, waking both of them in a jolt and since they were still spooning, a knee hit a calf, an elbow hit some ribs and, from the annoyance of the headache they both had, maybe they also heabutted, making them groan in pain.
“What the fu-” he couldn’t understand who talked, since the door that was opened with strenght captured his attention, a Jisung that seemed the personification of The Scream from Munch, hands on his face and open mouth.
“Hyung, hyung, hyung, we have to go.” he was repeating like a chant, panicked, while the two on the bed were still half-asleep, not understanding what was going on in the slightest. Chan arrived as a savior, explaining calmly that the files they sent at the company the day before had some problems, so they had to send them again after checking if they were all right. Changbin groaned, passing an hand on his face to wake himself up, moving to stand up before turning to his boyfriend, that just lied there, eyes closed, an irritated expression on his face at being woken up so urgently that he couldn’t send away the headache.
“Hyunjin.” the other called him, receiving just a lament as an answer “We’ll talk, okay? Later.” he seemed worried, as if the younger could think that he was escaping from their discussion. But the other opened his eyes enough to look at him, nodding a little, just to let him know that he understood, then he moved an hand to call him, when he moved to walk away, leaving a peck on his lips when he got closer enough, falling on the bed again.
“The kiss you asked for yesterday night.” he simply explained, turning so he was more comfortable, taking the soft blanket with him now that he had to stay alone. He couldn’t see the soft smile of the other that way, but in the back of his mind it was like he could.
“Next time brush your teeth though.” the other teased him, running out of the room before the pillow that Hyunjin threw could hit him, the other two rappers already disappeared from the room.
Few minutes after, in the daze given by the ache and the fact that he wasn’t waken enough, he felt a little peck on his forehead with a whispered suggestion to take the painkiller that was on the night table next to the glass water that the older put there for him. And then he was alone.
He didn’t want to take the painkiller, but at the end he couldn’t resist, he knew that the pain wouldn’t had gone away by itself, so he just swallowed the thing with some water, a little dizzy but at least without the stabs in his brain. The rest would have gone away in a while, but a little improvement was still better than nothing. He also knew that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, and not even a second after deciding to just do something, he received a text.
From: Binnie-hyung <3
You can use my laptop
I’ll be back in an hour!
ILY <3 <3 <3
Reading that, he smiled a little, hoping that the conversation they would have would be fruitful. The topic? He didn’t know. The way he could answer? Neither. He literally was in the dark and that put him on a little pression, but he didn’t want to start to overthink and let the anxiety eat him, making him start to worry even before they could actually start to explain themselves. He knew he was alone that morning, between the 3racha at the studio, Minho doing the announcer, Felix at some event he didn’t remember and Jeongin and Seungmin going out somewhere. He hoped he would’ve had a chilling morning with his boyfriend but the unexpected was unexpected so he couldn’t do anything about it. At the end he decided to take up the offer, standing up to take the laptop from the desk and returning to the bed, trying to sit without having to pose the device, being a little clumsy in doing so and having to do a lot of maneuvers that were more annoying than practical. When he was finally settled comfortably, he opened the laptop, quickly typing the password to enter and use internet. Some pages were still open, but he didn’t click on them, opening a new one so he could maybe play some games or do anything that could distract him a little. At the end he found a little cute game point and click, not too hard but neither the easiest, enough to let him focus on it for a while. The only problem was that there wasn’t a soundtrack on it, so after some time, the silence was going to his head, even worse than having a rock metal song stuck in his ears at 100% of volume. So he clicked on the already opened window of Spotify, it was with Changbin’s account but honestly some minutes of his choices wouldn’t ruin that much his feed. It was then that he noticed the playlists, mostly divided by moods or types of music, but one catched his eyes.
“Hyunjin’s Playlist?” he read as a question to himself, as to be sure it was what it was actually written on the screen. Aww, did his boyfriend created a playlist for him? That was so cute. And even if he knew that it was wrong to look into the other’s things, his curiosity won and made him click on it, nosy, and he found a little playlist of not even fifteen songs, created by Changbin if the little text was correct. He bit his lips, questioning if it was actually a good thing to do, snooping around, but there was his name on the playlist- so, yeah, fuck it.
The smile dropped slowly as he was scrolling down the list, licking his lips confused and frowning, the face twitching in distress. He blinked few times, reading the title again in the opposite order while returning at the top of the page, staring at his name written on the screen, the tune of the songs of the list were mixing up in his mind, like a party were everyone was listening to a different radio out loud without headphones.
Not a single bit of the feelings from before
Not a single bit of those emotions are left
I'll leave you, turn around and walk away
I won’t regret it, bye bye bye bye bye bye
Get up, build a fire that is gonna dry the tears I've cried
And out of all the memories we shared
Your love that you gave to me (You)
I don't want to remember it
Don’t know why (Don’t know why)
Tell me why (Tell me why)
Why does love end?
We can't end it before it's over
It's as if we've been waiting for this agony
He felt sick.
Opening his mouth to take a deep breath, it was like his lungs were stuck, leaving him gasping for air, little whines escaping his lips at every try. The computer was a solid weight on his lap, burning as if it was actually overheating on his skin, even if the surface was cold at touch, but Hyunjin was sure that it would leave a scorch on his legs. But at the same time he couldn’t move it away, putting his hands in the hair while trying to calm himself down.
He wasn’t reading it wrong, right? One song could have been a coincidence, but a dozen of them came across with a blatant message. They seemed also so well coordinated that if Hyunjin wasn’t in that situation, he thought he could actually laugh, and maybe he did bitterly to stop a little the cries that instead just started a second after, leaving him sobbing openly. His mind wandered, trying to find something different, a solution he didn’t think before, but he didn’t know if it was the panic or if actually there couldn’t be another answer to that. He kept crying for he didn’t know how many minutes, gasping for air again when he heard the room’s door open.
“Hyunji-”
“Do you want to break up with me?” he asked breathless, maybe a little too loud since he couldn’t hear himself over his heartbeat, turning to look at Changbin that just entered the room with a leaping walk, interrupted by his question. Hyunjin didn’t want to know how he looked right now, even if he could imagine it, red eyes, swollen face and some bite marks on his lip, while tears kept flowing down on his cheeks without being able to stop them. Immediately the older was by his side, hugging him by his shoulders so he could put his face on his chest, patting softly his back, panicked. He didn’t seem to know what to do with the crying boyfriend between his arms, moving the computer from his lap so they could get more comfortable, while the other was tightening his fists around the older’s hoodie, trying to find something to hold on and not lose himself.
“Jinnie, hey, hey, what do you mean? What happened?” he asked, the notable tremor in his voice and hands, even if he tried to stabilize himself to not let the other panic even more. He went away for less an hour and found him like that, how could he not panic too at the view? He looked wrecked, as if he passed at least a quarter of minutes crying, messy hair and tired limbs. He couldn’t even talk without starting to cry again, making him worry even more, since he couldn’t understand what was going on at all.
“Jinnie, I need you to stop crying, okay? I want to help, but I don’t know what to do. Do you want me to look for someone else?” he didn’t know if asking so many questions was the right thing to do, but he felt like he was starting to cry too and it was hard to do something. The other shook his head, increasing the grip on the hoodie until his hands became white, hurting himself a little too, before whispering a little “stay here”. Changbin could only fulfill his wish, staying still while he tried to comfort him, leaving little kisses on his hair while trying to resist from crying himself. They stayed like that some minutes before Hyunjin’s little gasp made him understand that the crisis was going down, so he released him a little, at least enough to see his face, but the other didn’t move at all, hiding his face again.
“Jinnie, can you please show me your pretty face? I want to talk, we had to talk, remember?” he tried to reason with the younger, that instead seemed to throw a tantrum, shaking his head against his pecs. Changbin smiled softly at that, sweetened by the view, even if he would’ve preferred another occasion to cuddle with him.
“Jinnie-”
“Not pretty right now-”
“You’re always pretty.” the interruption was firm, as if the younger had just insulted him. “How dare you affront my boyfriend like that? Do you want to fight? Bring it on!” he said, punching him softly on the shoulders, making him laugh softly, the sound muffled by the hoodie.
“Okay okay, but- if we stay like this, you won’t leave me. I don’t want to.” the last sentence was more like another sob, as if he was almost starting to cry again, but stopped himself a second before. Changbin hated to see him like that, his shining Hyunjin, the sweet and talented boy in his arms, crushed between his arms as if it was the only thing keeping him stable. But they couldn’t keep going like that, they needed to have that conversation, he knew that. So he fought the strenght of his boyfriend’s arm, that instead whined, chanting a desperate “nonono” as if it was actually hurting him to let him go. Looking at him, he was pretty messy, hair stuck on his face for the tears, face red and the nose even redder, but the older was sure that he wasn’t that much better, with the hoodie wet and a little dirty too, and the eyes shining for the tears that he was holding back.
“What do you mean I’ll leave you? Do it have anything to do with the break up thing you said earlier?” he remembered of the other’s outburst when he came back home. The other bit his lips, still not meeting his gaze, even if he nodded as an answer. The younger’s shaking hands moved to the forgotten laptop, taking it and making it face the older so he could see the playlist’s page still on. Changbin took it from his hands softly, putting on his lap and taking his hands as a way to comfort him.
“A playlist? Oh-” he recognized it, after all he was the one who made it.
“So, do you have to tell me anything?” Hyunjin was gathering bravery, he could feel it in the way he held back his hand and finally looked at him in the eyes, a fierce gaze on his face while he swallowed, showing how he was still a little nervous.
“Well, I’m sorry, Jinnie.” he started Changbin, using his free hand to scratch his neck awkwardly, showing how much he didn’t want the other to see it, and Hyunjin felt again the lump in his throat, but he resisted, knowing that everything had to be said, everything had to be on the table to be fixed“I- I mean, I know it’s a little strange, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this-”
“I’m not uncomfortable, I just want you tell me, please.” he begged him, using also his other hand to hold the other’s, if he had to feel the pain of the stab, he wanted it too be sharp, clean and fast.
“Yeah, I’m really really sorry, I just wanted to- feel you closer you know?” Changbin kept going, eyes locked on the screen, so he didn’t notice the confusion growing on the younger’s face.
“Closer?” he gasped incredulous, feeling this time a sentiment of anger. Was he mocking him? But the sincere expression of confusion of Changbin was contraddicting that.
“...yeah, I mean, sorry if I made a playlist so I could listen to your music- maybe it is kinda… creepy? But I just wanted to know more about your tastes.” he apologized earnestly, really sorry that he overcame his boyfriend’s boundaries like that, or at least he thought the problem was that, but Hyunjin just slapped his shoulder to catch his attention again, since the older seemed to wonder in his mind, like usual.
“You- made this playlist to feel closer to me?” the other nodded confused “Not to- break up with me?” he asked, to be sure, a little sob coming out of his lips before he could stop it. The older panicked again, his eyes widened by the question.
“What? No, no, no. Why would I want to break up with you, Jinnie? Oh my- No.” he was faltering a lot, eating the syllables before he could finish to say them, needing to prove his point firmly because it wasn’t true at all what the younger was suggesting “Why would you think that?” he asked then, whispering “If I made you ever think like I loved less of you, I’m sorry, I know I was a little aloof these days but-”
“Hyung, it’s okay, one step after the other.” he told him softly, raising both his hand to calm him down, it was strange to be the one who did it, usually being the comforted one instead of the shoulder to lean on “First, the playlist.”
“Yes.”
“So you didn’t list those songs to send them to me as a message to tell me to break up?” he asked, maybe starting to see the end of the tunnel while the other was shrinking his eyes so much that they were almost two lines on his face, confused. And actually amazed that his boyfriend thought of a so much complicated idea of his actions.
“No- I just… put some of your favorite songs?” he suggested them, still unsure.
“What? But I don’t listen only to sad songs! There isn’t even an happy song in there, hyung!” the other retorted, shocked and still a little in doubt. Changbin just sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before sighing again.
“The song you always sing at the karaoke?” he asked then, nodding at him since the younger wasn’t answering, disoriented.
“Lovesick Girls?” was the lost answer, at which Changbin nodded again, to confirm that he knew that.
“The song Minho always scold you for shouting when you’re in the car with him?”
“I’m so sick- wait, I don’t shout!”
“Yeah yeah, sure. Your playlist for when you paint is full of Day6’s songs, come on, you literally listen only to sad songs!” and with that, it seemed like a judge’s sentence, no one could deny it anymore, not even Hyunjin that, reading again the titles of the songs on the computer, actually noticing how they all were his most listened songs.
“Oh.” he just said, making the other groan while lying on the bed, hands to cover his eyes to recover from the almost heart attack he just had “I mean, yes, but sorry if I thought bad of it. It’s just that- the lyrics and then your behavior of the last days- and I-”
Nono, he couldn’t start to cry again, but it was hard to stop himself, now that they were talking he felt like the sadness and loneliness of the last period was falling on him like a heavy rock. Changbin raised his hand to pat him on the head, a little uneasy for their position, so Hyunjin too lay down, using Changbin’s chest as a pillow, murmuring a “soft” that made the older chuckle a little bit.
“I want to deeply apologize to you. I know that my words aren’t enough, I know I wasn’t acting that great with you, and I’m really sorry about that.” little pause to take breath “I wasn’t- that good myself, but I didn’t want to burden you with my insecurities and instead I just ruined everything even more.”
“But hyung, I want to be there for you, don’t hide these things from me, please. Don’t you trust me?” maybe he was a little evil to ask something like that, but he needed to be reassured more than ever. He just wanted to let it out everything now.
“I trust you, don’t doubt that.” was the quick answer of the older, taking his hand before speaking again “It was just a little thing that messed up my mind a lot and-” he groaned, as if he was embarassed of his own action.
“Does it have to do with the interview of some time ago? The Q&A?” he asked softly, at which the other gasped, shocked.
“You knew?”
“I’m sorry but no, I got some help, but I still don’t understand. It is the IU’s song?”
“For someone who doesn’t understand, you’re getting the point perfectly.” and he chuckled, leaving a little peck on the back of the younger’s hand, that squirmed for the tickle.
“I just got the right hint.”
“Minho-hyung?” and he didn’t even wait for the answer, because he knew that only the older could be that perceptive, not even Chan sometimes understood the members like him “Anyway, yes. It’s just a dumb thing but it messed up with my mind and now I understood how much stupid I was.” he tried to explain, rambling again.
“Can you please tell me? And it’s not dumb if it made you insecure.” the other reassured him, this time was his turn to leave a kiss on the other’s hand.
“It’s just- I proposed you to sing that song together since I know that it’s your favorite and… you laughed. And- I don’t know, I felt like you were rejecting me? I felt sad because you didn’t want to sing with me, and then you said that you wanted to do the duet with hyung and I- I spiraled a little. I started to think that maybe you would have preferred someone else, that I wasn’t enough, and I didn’t want to sadden you, so I thought that I could hide it from you while I was working on those thoughts and then everything would be alright.” he chucked in shame “At the end if you don’t want to sing a duet with me, it’s not anything bad, we’re together and that’s it, I’m happy with that.” then he noticed the other’s silence, and he moved his free hand to pinch his cheek “Are you listening to me?”
At that, Hyunjin slowly sit up, turning to look at him and leaving his hand too, making Changbin worry because he wasn’t understanding his reaction and he didn’t know if the other was just leaving or else. Instead he received a light slap on his chest, not hurtful but still a slap, that made him scream surprised.
“YAH! What was that for?” and he caressed the part in pain.
“That was for the fact that you’re stupid, hyung.” he told him between his teeth, the anger that he tried to keep quiet now everflowing rapidly like a volcano that was erupting, not even stopping at the frowned expression of the older, that sit up too on the bed “I wasn’t mocking you! I thought you were joking when you told me that, so I played with you. I didn’t think you could get hurt by it because I didn’t know you were serious about it.”
“But- why did you think it was a joke? I mean, if you don’t want to sing with me, that’s o-”
“Don’t you even try to tell me that is okay for me to not want to sing with you, because that’s not the case, at all. Just because I don’t want to sing this particular song, it doesn’t mean I would never do that. Understood?”
“Yeah-”
“And obviously I don’t want to sing it with you. Did you read the lyrics? It’s a fucking break up song, hyung! The title is literally “Can’t love you anymore”, who would want to sing such a song with their boyfriend?” and with that, his rant was over, leaving him out of breath with how much he was talking out loud, not screaming but almost. It was just so frustrating when Changbin would get in his own head like that, as if he couldn’t see the way Hyunjin looked at him, all fondly and in love. It seemed like a bad shot on the older, that blinked few times before a tiny “oh” escaped his lips.
“I didn’t think about the lyrics-”
“But you’re a lyricist, you literally write lyrics to live.”
“...I know.”
They stayed in silence few second, embarassed by their own insecurities, before looking in each other’s eyes and sensing the corners’ of their lips turning up before bursting in a laugh.
“Come on, it’s the dumbest argument we could have in our entire life.” Hyunjin complained, lying again on the bed while keeping a hand on his stomach.
“It’s not my fault if you literally listen only to break up songs! Like, change it up a little!” Changbin tried to scold him, still laughing out loud.
“Well, if you want to sing a duet with me so bad, we could perform Troublemaker.” suggested Hyunjin, actually proud of his suggestion, making the older laugh again.
“With the choreo and everything?”
“Oh yeah, I’ll be the best Hyuna you’ll have ever seen, hyung.” and the younger winked, in a way that should’ve been ogling but with the puffy face of the tears and the messy hair, it was just cute in a way that softened Changbin’s heart. He didn’t want to hurt him again like that, he should’ve done better before but now making mistakes was impossible for him.
“You’re in your head again. If you want to do Hyuna so bad, I’ll let you, actually I prefer this way.” hummed the younger, using his index to touch the older’s nose, just to tease him a little “Next time, just ask me, okay? I’ll do the same for you.”
They didn’t need anything else right now. It wouldn’t be the last time they would fight, but it was enough the reassuring promise of trying to do their best in being together.
Changbin lay again by his side, using his arms to hug him softly so that they could get closer to each other, at which the younger sighed happily, already missing his warmth. They were now face to face, eyes almost closed to just enjoy the moment, before Hyunjin grinned, a laugh escaping his lips. Changbin made a questioning noise.
“Nothing, I was just thinking that Minho-hyung was right, we’re all dummies.” and that made the other laugh too.
Instead in the room next to Changbin’s, the other two rappers were talking, stopping when they heard the couple laughing loudly.
“At least they made it up. Minho was thinking of putting them on a public stage without rehearsal. You know, like panic tactics? Or something like that.” Chan sighed, facepalming himself at the thought. Those kids would drive him crazy one of those days, Seungmin had a bet on who would be the drop to overflow the vase, but he didn’t know anything about that, already feeling his stress level increase quickly. Jisung by his side nodded.
“I swear, if I have to listen to another Day6’s song because of them, I’ll personally ask Young K to quit.”