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“I’m in too deep- losing my body, losing my sleep. And for what it’s worth, luster in the wind, feel alive again.” - “Luster” by Twin Oaks
“Rayla! Rayla, are you okay!?”
“Rayla, oh my goodness, Rayla.” I have not been awake for even a full minute and there are already three guards in my room- along with Callum. They all look so worried- their weapons drawn, Callum’s hands in the air as if he’s about to draw a rune. He then rushes over to me, sits on my bed, and urges me to sit up. He holds me in his arms, my face in his shaking hands. He’s looking at me with his signature look of absolute worry- his emerald green eyes searching me all over.
“I…” I start, but my voice is shaky and small. Tears are forming in my eyes, though I can tell by the moist residue on my cheeks that I’ve been crying since I woke up. “I’m okay,” I say, though I don’t think I mean it. The guards just nod- whether they think I’m actually okay or not I don’t know- and leave, which actually makes me rather grateful that the only person seeing me cry right now is Callum (though I’d prefer not to be crying in front of anyone at all).
“Rayla… what’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?” Callum says gently, his voice smooth and quiet like dripping honey. I can’t look into his eyes- not yet. First, I need to wipe away my tears. Geez, I’m such a mess.
He then starts to rub his thumbs across my cheeks, wiping away the excess tears. This only makes me cry more as I ease my face into his soft hands. I don’t dare open my eyes because I know exactly what I’ll see if I do: Callum’s gentle eyes, looking at me with an intense look of worry, tearing up at the sight of me breaking down. So, instead, I hold on to to his voice- his nearly inaudible whispers in my ear.
“Shh…shh… it’s okay, it’s okay.” He moves his hands from my face over to my back, gently caressing and massaging the tense muscles. “Hey, I’m here. I’m here. Look at me, Rayla. It’ll be okay.” He tilts my head up with one hand and brushes my long hair out of my face with the other. I guess I can’t avoid him any longer. Opening my eyes, I see that my prediction was correct: a small pool of tears is gathered by his lower lash line, making his beautiful and charming eyes shimmer in the moonlight filtering through the window.
“Rayla… what happened? I was sleeping- dreaming even- and next thing I know, I hear you screaming from your room. You had me really scared. I’m still a little scared,” he says, combing my long, white hair that has a few more knots in it than I’d like to admit. Looking into his eyes, I know he just wants to help. But I don’t know if I can tell him the nightmare I just had. He’d be really worried then.
“I just… it’s nothing. Don’t worry about me,” I say, trying to give a slight chuckle at the end. But I know it’s not convincing enough. Not for him, not for me.
“Rayla.” His voice becomes more stern, which surprises me. Although I’ve heard his serious voice a lot since I came back after two years, I’m still not quite used to it. And I especially don’t like when it’s directed at me.
“I just…” I start, then turn to look away from his gaze. I can’t bring myself to watch his reaction to my inevitable second breakdown as I retell the events of my nightmare. Instead, I let my eyes fixate on the pot of Xadian poppies on the window ledge, their soft petals almost luminescent in the moonlight.
“I had a nightmare, Callum. It was awful. The things I saw…” It takes everything within me to not start crying; my voice is already hoarse and shaky. I can tell that he is intently looking at me, waiting for me to go on. So, I do. “It was about my parents. And Runaan. I… I saw them suffering, Callum. Suffering behind the metallic coat of the coins. They were screaming, crying for me to help them… but I couldn’t. My hands and feet were cuffed and my mouth was covered with cloth; I couldn’t call out to them… my muffled screams of protest did me no use. And then I saw him.”
“Who…?” Callum starts, then I hear him mutter a too-familiar name under his breath: “Aaravos.”
“Yeah. Him.” I sigh, unable to form his name in my mouth because it would bring me too much pain. “I saw him, Callum; I saw him hurting them. He made eye contact with me the whole time he did it: suffocating them until their choking became so unbearable to listen to that I woke up.”
“Oh, Rayla…” I hear him say, and that’s when I turn to look at him and see the worst expression on his face that I’ve ever seen. He looks so sad, so… hurt. He’s fully crying at this point, even though I can tell he’s trying to hide his emotionality. He wants to be strong for me, but… isn’t he already?
He pulls me into a tight embrace, his arms holding me firmly but tenderly at the same time as if he’s afraid I’m going to slip away from his grasp- which I can’t blame him for, really, since that is what it feels like I’m doing- slipping away.
His shaky sobs are loud in my ear; his tears are soaking my shirt. I try rubbing his back, like he always does for me, but I just break down, too. I can’t hold back my tears any longer; I just let them stream down my face and fall onto his shoulder. We stay like this for a bit, just crying and holding each other.
“Rayla,” he says, after a while, “we will save your parents. And Runaan. You will see them again; I’ll make sure of that.” He brings his hands back up to my face, gently caressing my cheeks. I smile softly at him, expressing my gratitude for his words. I think he knows that I don’t have the strength to give him a good response, so he does what I think he does best. He looks up at me, his big eyes twinkling in the light of the moon, filled with sadness and love all the same. Tilting my head towards his with a gentle lift of his finger on my chin, he brings his lips toward mine.
The kiss isn’t “fiery” nor “passionate” by most people’s standards of kissing, but it’s something better: it’s comforting; it’s loving. I can feel his salty tears run down to his mouth, and I start to smile against his lips. Pulling away, he holds my head as we press our foreheads together.
“I love you, Rayla.”
“I love you too, Callum,” I whisper, running my hand through his short hair and bringing it down toward his cheek, where I let it linger. I don’t care if it’s a selfish thought, but I want this moment to last forever. I want to be holding him forever. And never let go.
“Callum,” I whisper, “can I ask you to stay? Stay for a while?” I pause, looking back into his eyes, “stay for the night…?” He looks back into my eyes, his body easing with his exhale of breath.
“Always.”
He climbs in my bed, pulling the cover sheet over us. Wrapping his arm around me, I snuggle into the crook of his neck where it is warm. Warm and safe. We stay like this for a while; I rest my one arm across his torso, watching it rise and fall with his chest. I can slightly feel the beating of his heart, which I find to be oddly comforting tonight. It reminds me that we’re alive. That we’re together and alive.
“Look,” he whispers, “look at the moon.”
I shift my gaze over to the window, admiring the glowing crescent in the pitch black sky.
“Whenever I feel alone or sad or just the looming feeling of uncertainty, I just look at the moon. It makes me feel a lot better.”
“And why is that?” I ask, though I can already guess his response.
“Because it reminds me of you.” He says, his voice is void of any sarcasm or humor. I want to laugh at him, but all I do is get closer to him. He’s so precious.
As I snuggle closer into Callum, preparing to fall asleep on his steady-rising chest, I feel a lump in his shirt pocket.
“Callum… what is that…?”
“What do you… oh.” He pauses, then reaches into the pocket to retrieve it. “You mean this?” He then pulls out something I did not expect at all. A moon opal.
“But how do you…”
“I have my ways.” He smirks. “When I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to hold you again- even after we reunited- I needed to make sure there would be a way I could hold onto you.”
“Callum, that’s so…” I stop, because I don’t think there’s a word accurate enough for what I’m looking for. He just smiles- not in a cocky way- but in that cute and dorky way that I love.
Until our dreariness gets the best of us, we spend the night looking at the moon opal as we talk, tracing its indentations and edges and admiring its luster. In these moments, I know I’m okay. In these moments, all I can think about is how beautiful life is- especially when I get to share it with someone so special like Callum. Just like the the moon opal, I think the luster of our love is brighter than I could have ever imagined. So precious, so rare. So beautiful. And suddenly, it doesn’t matter that I’ve been losing my sleep- it doesn’t matter that my body aches and that I’m scared for what’s ahead of us. I feel loved. I feel safe. I feel alive.