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It's interesting how life gives and takes. Warmth can never be enjoyed without a little bit of cold, and no light can shine without darkness to play upon.
Keeping this in mind was about all I could do as a hand smacked down on the table I sat at. A dark patch of my life was looming over my coffee cup.
I blinked slowly up the arm that belongs to the intruder of my peace. There I found a familiar —and unwelcome— man wearing a surprised but warm expression.
"Y/n! Hey!" He cheered.
I grimaced as a confusion fluttered over my suddenly soupy brain, "Timothy." I greeted plainly as I lowered my book slightly while staring up at him. "What are you doing here?"
He grinned brightly, taking me aback. "Well I was just in the neighbourhood and needed a boost of caffeine." Why was all this warmth coming from this black hole of joy? My suspicion only grew.
"...Ah ha..." I found myself lifted my book back to the forefront of my attention. Maybe that would be a strong enough hint to get through even his thick skull.
He sat down across from me.
... apparently not.
"Look I uh... I'm not just here for the coffee." He confessed.
"You don't say." I grumble, voice stale as ever as my eyes don't leave the pale pages in my hand.
He paused at my tone, seeming to only then realize the disinterested air I was drenched in. "Right... uh..." his nerve seemed to waver, causing a secret smile to pull the corners of my mouth.
"Listen, I just wanted to find you and tell you I'm sorry." He said, surprisingly earnest in his tone.
It startled me, he had never apologized before. I snap my eyes to him, "what?"
"I wanted to apologize. I did a lot of work on myself and realized I hurt you." He shook his head. "Through our entire relationship I honestly didn't think about how the things I said and did would affect you. And for that I'm sorry."
My eyes thinned suspiciously. "Really... you didn't think calling me delusional every time we fought would affect me?"
He winced under my sharp, unyielding glare, but I wasn't finished. "You didn't think prioritizing your awful friends on my birthday would affect me? You didn't think restricting what I ate would affect me?!" I continued with venom pouring from every syllable, a few other patrons of the coffee shop peered over.
Despite the breakup being just over a year ago, rage still boiled fresh under my skin as I stared at this man. He lifted his palms towards me as if settling a wild horse. "Okay! Okay you're right, I did know it would affect you." He spoke, soft and settled. "And this is the honest truth, I didn't care. I saw what I was doing and it didn't stop me."
His words were genuine. They hurt. They cut and tore into my skin. The annoyance in me increased tenfold as I snarled. "Then why are you here right now, exactly?"
"Because I realized I was wrong." He said calmly, just as genuine as his confession to not caring.
I sat in silence, hiding the curiosity well beneath heaps of fiery anger.
He continued, "Y/n, you were a wonderful boyfriend. You cared about me and gave so much, you let me into your life and circle of people you love. I couldn't be more grateful to you for that—"
"Listen Timothy. I'm not taking you back." You interjected sourly, "So take your sob story somewhere else, I'm never letting you back into my life again."
He faltered, which pulled a small smug grin across my lips beneath my sharpened eyes. The wait for this moment was long, by by god was it worth it, nearly cathartic.
Just as I was about to gather my things and leave on a high note he spoke again, "I uh... I think there may have been a miscommunication here." He chuckled awkwardly, warmly. Why was he still being so nice?! Where was that familiar acid that would spew into my brain and burn my skin?
I eyed him carefully, almost betrayed he didn't play into my expectations.
"I'm not here to try and beg for you back Y/n. I'm honestly just here to apologize." He said with an awkward laugh.
My head began to spin as I sat farther into my chair, aghast.
"I've been going to therapy, and both my therapist and my partner thought it would be good to meet and apologize to you. You know, get some closure." His words felt fake, or did I? Was I plastic and he, a person? My hands were numb and my face burned. This cut deeper than any words he'd ever spoken to me before. And yet here he is on a healthy path to self discovery and acceptance.
This man truly was cruel.
"Don't feel that you need to forgive me. I put you through hell and back." A small well of tears seemed to collect in his waterline. "I just wanted you to know that from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry."
I could only stare at the person before me, he was unrecognizable. Yet here I was, no better off from the time from we split. A sinking feeling deep in my heart pulled me into the earth, rooting me in the place I haven't moved from in over a year. A pathetic 'okay' was all I could muster from my daze.
He smiled shakily, keeping his tears at bay. "Right, well... that's all I had to say. But if there's anything you want to tell me or get off your chest, I'm open to it." He said, so sickly sweet.
There was only one thing that I wanted to know from this unfamiliar person. "What brought this on?"
He chuckled and bashfully dipped his head, like a love struck fool. "I met someone." A moment later his eyes meet mine again. He was content. Unfairly content.
He met someone.
Someone worth changing for.
I held myself together as best as I could, sitting farther back into my chair. "Right..." but the flood was coming, and I was paper, "then I wish you all the best." I stood and left five dollars on the table as I all but sprinted out the front door. My face was hot as my ears burned, it was difficult to navigate with the sudden increase of water piling on my lids.
With each twist in my stomach an anger rose. It flourished in my inadequacy, my need for escape, and my earth rattling embarrassment.
I clumsily, hastily yanked my phone from my pocket and pulled up a number that always connected me with comfort. But I hesitated.
Was this really something I could dump on someone I was currently dating? I shouldn't even be this bothered in the first place, so will he take it the wrong way?
Anxiety poured over me like a hailing waterfall as I aimlessly sped through the streets of New York, fighting to find a way to soothe myself.
A sudden ringing from the phone still in my hand cut through my mind. I nearly fumbled the damn thing as I snapped it back into my sights.
Speak of the angel.
Raphael's contact displayed on my phone, buzzing away with his happy picture. I didn't even hesitate to pressed accept despite my initial inversion. I didn't have to say anything, just hearing his voice would make me feel a little better. "Hello?" I ask into the phone, aching to steady myself.
"Hey Y/n!" The sunny voice sent a wave of calm through me. "How's my handsome man doing?" He asked playfully.
"Good! I'm good. H-How're you?" I ask, like I'm pleading for water in a desert.
"Ahh, I'm good, just wanted to ask if you were still coming over tonight? Also what snack are you craving? Because I'm at the store right now and everything seems like it's a little more mystical and mutanty than last time. So I'm not sure which one you'd be okay to have." He said, with some crinkling of a bag sounding in the background.
"Oh! Don't worry about that, whatever you want will be fine with me." I said, voice a bit pitchy and quick.
I could practically hear the sudden change of expression on his face as he paused before speaking again. "Hey, are you okay? You sound kinda, flighty. Are you safe?" He asks, worry raising in his voice.
No! No! Everything's fine! Go back to happy normal time PLEASE. I mentally beg.
"Yes! I'm okay! Don't worry!" I said a bit louder than intended.
"Are you sure?" He asks, slightly quelled but still a bit concerned.
"Yes! I just—!" I cut myself off, right before I was about to spill my heart to him over the phone. Well now he definitely knows somethings off. My weak resolve caves. "I just would like to see you as soon as possible." I say, my metaphorical mask falling completely off.
"Of course! Yeah! Where are you? I'll come get you!"
I look around. "No, no, I'll meet you at the lair."
Raph is quiet for a moment before giving in. "Well... okay, sure, do you need me to stay on the phone with you?" He offered.
"No, that's alright, I'll see you soon. I love you." I say.
Raph's silence is wary, worried, but he complies. "Love you too."
I hang up and shove my phone into my pocket. I need time to compose myself and think what I'm going to say, or how I'm going to explain what I'm feeling... oh god maybe I shouldn't even tell him at all.
I fought with my mind all the way to the lair, nearly losing my way a few times with how in my head I was.
By the time I got to the lair I hadn't pinned my thoughts down or figured out what I was even doing. I was on autopilot, only driven forward by my constant distress.
As I stepped into the lair, I spotted Raph almost immediately. He was staring at the entrance, sitting forward in a chair he'd clearly placed there. Upon seeing me step in he stood up immediately. "Y/n!" He cried, jogging towards me instantly.
That was all it took for the strength I'd tried desperately to scrounge up to diminish. Tears began to roll down my face as I drop my face into my hands.
Not even a second later Raph had wrapped his enormous arms around me with a careful squeeze. "What's wrong?" He asked, trying his best to subdue his alarm.
"I saw my ex!" I bawled.
Raph was confused, but didn't make any assumptions as he pet my hair and led me deeper into the lair to a more private area.
He carefully sat me down in his room on the edge of his bed and kneeled down in front of me. "Y/n, did something happen?" He asked, peering up at me.
I tearfully clung to him as I fought for the words, "No—! I mean... I just—!" Another choked sob came from me, I didn't even know why is was reacting so strongly. "H-He's so different now." I say through an embarrassing blubber.
"Y/n, breathe," Raph said petting my arms. We remained like this until I was calm enough to not stumble over my breath, "Different how?" He asked gently.
As I settled down, the apparent ridiculousness of the situation settled in as well. Again, the urge to backtrack and sweep this all under the rug came back full force. I laugh weakly as I rub my eye with the back of my hand. "It's... stupid... it's really not even anything, I don't even know why I'm crying about it." I say with a timid laugh.
Raph remains steadfast, bring his hand to cup my face carefully, "It's clearly something if it's making you feel this way."
"He's..! I—" it took everything in me to keep from tipping back into an emotional mess. The shaky breaths I took were all that painted the silence between us.
He kept his worried eyes on me, flicking his attention about my face as he placed his hands on my knees. The action grounded me.
Finally I settled enough to speak clearly again, but who knows how long that'll last.
"I saw him at the coffee shop... and he apologized to me." I said sombrely.
Raph's head tilted only a fraction, as if quickly correcting his slight confusion. "Okay..." he said, encouraging me to go on with a squeeze to my knees.
I blinked back the welling in my eyes and looked up to the ceiling. "He's changed... he's a better person now."
Raph's eyes widened slightly as his heart started to race, "... better?" Half a second went by before he spoke again, "... so then... why are you crying?"
My eyes landed back down to Raph and the tears I'd balance on my waterline fell freely. "He changed because he met someone worth changing for."
That's when Raphael's worry melted away, the waxed drips morphing into a gentle sadness. "Y/n..." he whispered, bringing his hand up to my cheek, wiping away the tears that slipped out.
I frowned as I felt a sob coming on at the contact. My hand lifts to hold his against me as I lean into his touch. "I didn't expect it to cut me so deep." My voice cracked in frailty.
Raph's heart broke into a million pieces at the sight. "Awh, Y/n." He cooed, quickly sitting next on the bed as he collected me into a tight hug. "What he does has nothing to do with your worth," The hand on my back soothingly rubbed circles, as he pressed his cheek against the crown of my head.
"I know... but I can't help it." I say, tear ridden. "I was with him for so long and he didn't once feel the need to try and better himself. But now his new partner comes in for a couple months and he's a totally different person! For them!" Rage and inferiority pool in my stomach, stagnant. "What did they do that I didn't?!"
I didn't want an answer. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to sit with these feelings and boil. "If he's actually as good as he seems then he was always capable of being a kind, decent human being. I just wasn't worth the effort!" I cried, an angry sob ripped from my throat, before I crumbled again into sorrow.
This man I had been with for so long knew me inside and out... and he chose... he determined that... "I wasn't worth anything..."
The words were small against Raph's chest, being spoken straight into his aching heart.
The ninjas brows pinched in empathy and his arms tightened around me, as if he was trying to meld our bodies in this intimate embrace. His heart was so close to you, it may as well have reached out from between his ribs and grabbed ahold of you itself.
After a few long moments of me crying into him and him thinking through a response, he found his voice. "If it's any consolation..." he trails of with a whisper into my hair. I slowly lift my head to meet his misty eyes and shy smile, "you're worth everything to me."
A jolt of emotion shocked the waves inside me still.
What am I doing?
Here was the man that meant everything to me, holding me so close and tenderly as if I were a china teapot. All the while I cry over a man I haven't been with for a year.
Who gives a rats ass if he better now? He wasn't when I was with him, so his opinions and thoughts of others shouldn't mean anything. They don't mean anything.
Raph means everything.
The man who stays by me through it all, the one who never fails to make feel special and loved.
My tears pour heavily down my face the longer I stare at his.
His alarm peaks at this, but he says nothing, enraptured in me.
"I'm sorry Raphael." I say, lip quivering as I laugh shortly, "You're so good to me." I mused, petting the side of his face lovingly.
His cheeks turn a warm red at the contact and his mouth opens slightly.
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess right now," I apologize again.
Raph chuckles softly, nervously. "Is that any different than usual?"
I laugh loudly at that, it took me off guard. I nod along wiping tear clear with the back of my hand. "I guess not."
Raph smiles down at me, who was easily dwarfed by his large figure. "But it's okay to feel like this, you were with him for a long time. It's only natural to feel a little sad, so don't apologize."
I smiled, absolutely taken with him. "How did I get so lucky?" I ask lightly, rubbing my thumb across his cheek.
He grinned and wordlessly pulled me close, nuzzling his warm face into my neck.
"Ah! Raph!" I chuckled, fumbling to wrap my arms around the back of his neck.
He persisted, pressing his face harder against my neck. I could feel the smile stretching across his face as he took in a long breath.
I grew a smile to match and let my hand rest over the back of his neck, giving it a squeeze.
Raphael's chest rumbled at the sensation, before he lifted his head from my neck, meeting my eyes. He brought his hand to my cheek as he stared down at me. "Do you wanna watch a movie? I can go make a bowl of popcorn." He asked with half a grin.
I nod and stretch up to his face, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.
His eyes softened as adoration flooded his body. "Alright," he stood up from his bed, but not before snugly wrapping a blanket over my entire form. His hand pet over my head only to stop at the back of my head, "I'll be right back." He said softly, pulling my head forward to plant a long, gentle forehead kiss.
I could feel his kindness flow from him into me, filling me like a dusty cup is filled by cold, clear water. I watched him, lovestruck, as he wandered to his door.
"I love you." I call after him.
He stops at the entrance for a long moment. I momentarily regret saying anything, that is until he looks back, eyes widened and smile wider. "I-I love you too Y/n."
We stay like that, simply grinning at each other with brimming hearts heart until Raph was strong enough to start time up again. He gives me one more tender expression before slipping away to the kitchen, quickly and haphazardly rushing his popcorn making to return to you if only a few seconds faster.