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Laura pulls into the parking lot expertly, making sure to park the way her dad had taught her. She’d driven to the bookstore all by herself, because she can totally do that, thank you very much.
She quickly checks her makeup, smoothes out her skirt, and smiles to herself.
It’s going to be a good day.
-----
She likes it here because it’s close enough that she can go whenever she wants, but far enough away that she won’t see anyone from school. She can wear her prettiest clothes and do her makeup just right and maybe, just maybe, not worry about everything for an hour or two.
She always likes to believe she won’t have to worry about anything. It almost never works out that way.
-----
Laura is pretty sure when she walks in that she’s not going to buy anything. It doesn’t really matter - just the freedom and the smell of new books is enough to lift her spirits. And she likes the people. It’s nice to just listen to other people talk and order coffee and not be on edge all the time.
She likes the people, especially if they’re cute girls. Like the one she’s totally not staring at in the classics section.
(Laura bought all her books in July, but this girl doesn’t need to know that.)
Laura is pretending to be nonchalant, acts like she’s looking casually for a copy of the Odyssey for English, when the girl speaks up.
“I’m Carmilla,” she says.
-----
Laura tries her best to forget about the bookstore girl. Carmilla. She tries. But does it really do anyone any harm to think about going back and trying to find her again? She sighs and decides that, in reality, it’s probably in her best interest to put the girl out of her mind.
Anyway, the first day of school is in three days, and she’s got an outfit to plan.
-----
She spends way longer than than probably necessary in the bathroom that morning. It takes time to get the perfect balance of girly clothes and “boy” clothes, to get the amount of makeup just right.
As she waits for the shower to get warm, she can’t help but look in the mirror. She knows she shouldn’t be doing this, but she almost can’t help it. She knows it’s bad for her, but it’s too late now.
Her waist is too boxy;her shoulders are too wide. And when she sighs in discomfort, her voice is too low. And that’s not even counting the obvious.
She gets into the shower and hopes the steam will obscure her vision.
By the time she’s ready for school, she’s almost cheery as ever. She managed to distract herself by doing her hair a new way, and the clip holding back her barely-long enough bangs is super cute. She just hopes nobody notices.
-----
The first week of school is great. (Well, as great as school can be.) Her teachers are nice enough, and she has at least a few people she knows in every class. As far as she can tell, she doesn’t even have any problems with her schedule. It feels like the beginning of a good year.
When Laura walks into first period five minutes early on the second Monday of the year, she immediately scans for her friends. It’s not as fun getting up for the second week of school, she’s now realizing. Danny isn’t there yet, but Lafontaine is at their desk. She’s about to shrug, sit down for class, when she sees-
“Carmilla?”
“Laura! I-”
Laura panics, quickly pulling her into the hallway. She doesn’t care that she’s making a scene - her mind is already mostly in panic mode.
“What the- what the heck?” Laura hisses. “You told me you were eighteen! And what are you doing here anyway?”
“You were a cute girl in a bookstore! I felt like flirting! Why would I say I’m fifteen? Why were you flirting with an eighteen-year-old? And why were you at a bookstore that far away, then?”
Laura pauses, takes a deep breath. She has to get out of this.
“I was…. not flirting. And why weren’t you at school?”
“I just.. I didn’t feel like going. But Laura, listen-”
Laura’s eyes go wide as she glances at all the people passing by. She has to stop this, she realizes. Before someone hears them.
“Just don’t - don’t talk to me, okay? Or about me. I can’t- just don’t, please. I’m really sorry, but can you, just don’t - stay away from me, okay?” She tries not to let the fear creep into her voice.
Laura turns and speeds back into class, leaving Carmilla alone in the hallway. She stands there, stunned, for a moment, before shrugging it off.
She probably hasn’t told anyone she’s gay, Carmilla reasons. She can see a bit of herself before she came out in Laura’s reflexive fear. It doesn’t really matter though, right?
She strolls into class about three seconds before the bell rings. As she takes out her planner per teacher’s request, she can’t help think about Laura’s words.
Just stay away from me.
(It’s probably for the best, she reasons. Anyone that far in the closet would be an absolute mess to be around.)
-----
Carmilla knows Laura doesn’t want to talk to her. But really, will one conversation hurt anything? And it’s not like anyone can stop her from going up to her at lunch.
“Hey, Laura,” she says, walking up to Laura in line. “About earlier, I-”
Laura panics a little, pounding heartbeat and wide eyes. “We can’t talk here.”
“Hey, I know that maybe I came off a little weird, but I just -”
“Maybe you should just learn not to talk to people that clearly don’t want to talk to you!”
-----
Laura knows what she’s said is rude. It takes almost everything she has not to immediately apologize for it. When she sees Carmilla’s face, she wants to explain, to tell someone, but she can’t.
“Are you okay?” Carmilla says, pulling Laura aside. When Laura doesn’t answer, she hastily adds, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“It’s nothing,” Laura says. If she’s going to do it, it’s going to be now. “It’s just… I was… I’m not who you think I am, okay? I’m not… Laura.”
Carmilla suddenly remembers the time she thought she heard a teacher call Laura Matthew. Oh. Oh. She thinks she understands. She starts to apologize for being so rude, for not leaving Laura alone, but she cuts her off.
“It’s fine. Just… you don’t know that at school though, okay?”
“My lips are sealed. Don’t worry.” Carmilla says. Laura, for the first time since the bookstore, smiles.
-----
A gay-straight alliance meeting. Of all places to make up a test. God. Carmilla can’t decide if this is luck or some sort of joke. She thought getting the flu the first week of school could help give her an air of apathetic mystery, but that apparently isn’t going to work out. And how did she end up with the one teacher that supervises GSA meetings? She decides it’s probably some cosmic joke.
Whatever. English is her easiest class.
Of course, Miss GSA Vice President Laura Hollis notices her the second she walks in. She gives an excited wave.
“Sorry, Laura,” and she pauses, realizing maybe she can’t call her that here. When Laura doesn’t say anything, Carmilla breaths a sigh of relief and continues. “I’m just here to make up a quiz.”
Laura’s face falls. “Oh. Well, you can still listen to the meeting!”
Carmilla just shrugs and goes to the teacher to ask for the quiz. She quickly stakes out a desk in the back of the room and tries to tune out the conversation. That works pretty well for about…. ten minutes, give or take. Between Laura looking at her, and listening to the conversation despite her best efforts, she’s probably going to fail this test.
And that’s before Danny Lawrence starts taking her shirt off.
“Guys, check out this tattoo I got! It’s pretty small, - I had to argue with my parents forever just to get this tiny thing - but I like it.”
Everyone crowds around to see. Sure enough, there’s a tiny mark just above Danny’s hip. Carmilla can’t tell what it is from her seat, but it looks pretty simple. Eventually everyone more or less settles back into normal conversation. But. When she sees the way Laura is staring at Danny, she can’t help but be a little bit…. jealous? There’s also a bit of smug satisfaction - maybe Laura is gay after all. But mostly she’s jealous. She shouldn’t be, because it’s not like she and Laura are even friends. Still.
She’s definitely going to fail this test. Even as she’s handing it in to the teacher, she has to stop herself from apologizing for the quality of her work.
Come first period the next day, Ms. Carpenter calls Carmilla aside after class.
“Carmilla,” she says. “I’m sure you’re aware you… didn’t do very well on the quiz yesterday.” Carmilla just nods as she continues. She’d known this was coming. “I think it’d be best if you found a... ‘study buddy’, or at least someone to help you catch up on what you missed. If you don’t have anyone in mind, I can ask a student to help you out. Remember that this isn’t a punishment. It’s to help you get back on your feet for the new school year.”
“Just ask someone,” Carmilla says. “I don’t really care.”
This is how she ends up in Laura Hollis’ basement that Friday night. She quickly finds that Laura, tragically, has every intention to actually do schoolwork.
-----
Carmilla Karnstein is sitting on her couch. Carmilla cute-girl-from-the-bookstore Karnstein. And she’s supposed to study. “Okay, “ Laura says, opening her textbook. “You, um, didn’t actually miss much, but we reviewed a lot of things from last year.”
Carmilla just nods, and Laura continues. “So, it looks like, uh, we need to go over free-response questions, mostly, and a few other analytical strategies.”
“Mmhm,” Carmilla murmurs. “Sure.”
All in all, they study for about ten minutes. Laura lasts about that long before she realizes Carmilla already knows all this. Carmilla was ready to be done as soon as she got there.
“Can I ask you something?” Carmilla says. Laura hums a yes. “Are you- does your dad know- can I call you Laura here?”
“Oh, wow. And yeah, you can. Thanks for asking.” Laura smiles shyly.
After a short pause, Carmilla says, “Can I ask you something else?”
“Uh, sure. What do you got?”
“Do you have a crush on Danny Lawrence?”
The smile drops from Laura’s face.
“Would you be mad at me if I said yes?” She says, her voice small. She hesitates before continuing. “But it’s like, I don’t know if I actually like her- not like I wouldn’t, she’s awesome. But I can’t help wonder if it’s because she just seems like the best chance I have. Y’know … because she’s bi. So like, she probably won’t mind…” Laura’s voice trails off as she gestures at herself.
“Laura, gay girls like trans girls too,” Carmilla says.
“You don’t know that.”
“Uh, I kind of do.”
“But you don’t. You can’t. And actually, Carm, that kind of blanket positivity is kind of insulting. Just saying ‘oh, it’ll get better someday! Someone will settle for you eventually,’ is pretty insulting and not actually comforting at all. Actually, there’s a surprising amount of transphobia in the lesbian community, and I personally find it very disheartening to keep dating people who are going to hurt me when they find out who I really am, you know?” Laura pauses, takes a breath.
“And I don’t like the way you talk about people's’ perceptions of me like you have any idea what they are, Carmilla. You act like it’s easy for me to just find a collection of lesbians who aren’t transphobic! It’s not like there’s a list or anything! And it doesn’t help that I can’t be out at school because I worry for my safety, and like I said, it’s not like there’s a list or-”
Suddenly, Carmilla’s kissing her. Or she’s kissing Carmilla. Or something.
“Would it be selfish if I gave you a list but it only had my name on it?” Carmilla says, laughing.
---
“Laura is a pretty name,” Carmilla says. “How did you… choose it?”
Laura doesn’t answer right away, and Carmilla wonders if she’s allowed to ask that. They’ve been talking for a while she thought they were comfortable enough-
“It was my mother’s,” Laura says softly. She starts to tell the story, closing her eyes, and suddenly she’s right back-
“Hey, dad?” Laura calls uncertainly. “Can you- can we talk?
“‘Course, honey. What’s up?” Her dad sits in the armchair next to the couch. He turns to look at Laura, who’s leaning against the arm of the couch.
“I was just... you know how I’ve been looking for a new name?”
“Did you find something you like?”
“Well, about that. I wanted to know if it would, uh, be okay with you if I…. took Mom’s name?” She’s trying not to cry at this point. It doesn’t help that her dad’s been quiet for a while now.
“Oh, honey,” he says. She starts to think she’s done something wrong when he continues. “you didn’t have to ask me. Of course. In fact, I think she’d be honored. It’s a beautiful name, Laura.”
Here, she actually does start crying.
“That’s great,” Carmilla says. “I mean- That’s an amazing story. Thank you for telling me.”
“Yeah,” Laura says softly.
Once again they both fall silent. This time, though, it’s more comfortable than awkward.
“Hey, Carm?” Laura says after a while.
“Mmhmm?”
"You didn't really miss the first week of school because you didn't feel like going, did you?"
"Nope," Carmilla admits. "I had the flu."
Laura laughs. "Wooow. Nice one."
A pause.
"Can I ask you something else? Like, something serious?"
"Hit me."
“Would you, like, support me if I came out? Like, at school and stuff?”
Carmilla answers immediately. “Oh my God, of course, Laura. Were you planning to?”
“I don’t know. I... like, I want to, but I’m scared, you know?”
“Mmm, gotcha. I’m not gonna tell you what to do, because I can’t really understand, as you’ve told me loudly-” and here Laura can’t help but smile a little- “but I’ll be there for you, okay?”
“Thank you, Carm,” she says. “Really.”
Carmilla just smiles and takes Laura’s hand. “Of course, babe.”
(And of course, she sees the way Laura’s eyes widen.)
“Can I call you that?”
Laura smirks a little, or she tries to.
“Of course, babe.”
(God. Carmilla can’t believe she’s about to ask such a nerd to be her girlfriend.)