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"come on Remus we should go to eat breakfast"
"mmh"
"remus, come on mate Sirius and James are waiting us"
"I’ll join you soon"
"okay, get your ass up and move"
When he hears Peter walk out the door, Remus sits on the edge of the bed and looks at their room, obviously Peter's bed is the only one in order.
He puts his feet down on the cold floor and heads towards the bathroom to wash his teeth and fix his hair, they’re a mess like every morning.
He reaches his part of the room again and after wearing the most oversized sweater he has got,he goes to breakfast.
Remus' life’s made of bad weeks and good weeks, this is a bad one, basically they consist in not looking in the mirror and covering his body in every possible way to avoid having a meltdown.
In these weeks the only things that can help him are chocolate, books and his friends.
Even if he would like to just be safe in his bed far away from people and eyes.
Obviously he can’t, so Remus has to get out of his warm bed and face the day.
When he enters the great hall he spots his friends, at the same usual table, talking to a boy with dirty long hair, Remus obviously knows who he is and this doesn't mean anything good.
"please not today, please not today, plea-"
"Remus! I was just telling Black about how you stood up for your girlfriend the other day, very impressive huh?"
“she’s not my girlfriend” Remus whispered
"leave him alone Severus" He hear Sirius says.
"And why should I? We're having fun, aren't we, Lupin?"
"Absolutely yes, now if you don't mind I'd like to have my usual breakfast" Remus replied walking over to where he usually sat, staring annoyed at Severus stationed right in front of his chair.
"Sure mate, here, sit down"
He gestured for him to sit down but when Remus sets the books for the next lesson on the table he feels cold hands gripping his hips and his sweater rise up to his torso.
A jolt of fear went up his back and with a jerk he pushed the icy hands away letting the sweater fall back down his body.
He feels his hands shaking and when he turns around he finds Severus' face two inches from him with a grin plastered on him.
Before he could do anything, Severus' face’s hit by a hand full of rings that leaves an open cut on his cheek.
Remus walks away, crashing into the table to see Sirius engaged in a fight on the floor directly in front of him.
The gears in his brain had stop work but when James also joins the fight he realizes what’s happening.
He turns and within seconds he's running out of the Great Hall taking the books with him and with hands that don't want to stop shake.
He doesn't stop running until he finds himself in one of the school's abandoned corridors and hides behind a wall, letting himself slide to the floor.
His lungs are pressed into his chest, he feels the tears slip and wet his neck and he can't fucking stop the hands from shaking.
He lets out a sob and then another, until he's curled up with his legs against his chest trying to breathe.
"breathe, inhale, breathe, inhale..."
He remembers the time he was the one to repeat it to Sirius, after a letter he received from his parents.
They were still children in those days, some more carefree than others, but still children.
Why did he do it? Why to me? Why did he have to do it in front of everyone?
He knew that asking it to himself was useless but he kept doing the same questions looking for a more sensible answer, an answer that would help him breathe, an answer that wouldn't make him feel dirty and that would allow him to disappear, change his body, and stop think about what happened.
Everyone saw him, everyone saw him for the monster he is, everyone discovered his secret and no one would ever look at him the same way.
He don't want to see his friends' faces when they’ll find him.
They would ask to change dorms and never want to have anything to do with him again.
After all, who would want to stay with him? a werewolf and a boy who was never a real boy.
He knows that when the boys found out that he’s a werewolf he could have told them that he’s trans.
Away the tooth, away the pain, huh? well he wasn’t brave enough.
As soon as he hears footsteps in the distance his whole body stiffens, they can’t find him like this.
They already know what you really are, there’s nothing worse they can see.
Says a little voice in the back of his head, the voice that keeps him awake at night.
He hides as best he can behind the wall until he hears the person's footsteps approach and stop in front of him.
“Remus?”
as he lifts his head, struck by the relief of the revelation, he drops his head between his knees and allows himself to breathe
Lily
It’s just Lily
She knows about Remus, she discovered it when she sneaked into Remus' dormitory after the full moon, while everyone were in class, to see if he was okay, and found him with only his boxers and binder.
She hugged him and he managed to tell her story, no pressure, it was easy, everything was easy with Lily.
“Remus? what happened, what are you doing here?”
She receives no response, remus seems to have reentered the vortex of his thoughts and the only thing that can come out of his mouth are soft moans.
He feels Lily sit next to him and with her arm around him, he falls into her lap, as she runs her fingers through his hair.
When he realize the long period spent in silence he sit down again, leaning his head on her friend's shoulder.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
"Didn't you see it? at breakfast"
"I skipped it, remus tell me what happened"
"He- he pulled" he tried to explain but his voice cracked.
"Who?"
"Severus, he- he pulled up my sweater in front of everyone"
"He basically made a total fool out of me, and- the worst part is-"
"He did it in front of Sirius"
He sinks his face into Lily's shoulder, tired of crying.
"Oh God i'll kill him, you can swear remus that this
time he won't fucking get away with it"
As she starts to stand up she notices Remus' head still resting on her and she calms down a bit.
"Remus, I told you he would take his revenge, you didn't have to defend me like that yesterday, I can handle him on my own"
"But you didn't deserve it, he's an asshole"
"I know, I know"
"Sirius hit him in the face"
"What?"
"and thenr James joined the fight too"
"Well I can't say that they didn't do well"
After a few seconds she continues:
"Love, lessons will start soon"
"I’m not going"
"But there’s history of magic"
"I don't want them to look at me differently Lily, I can't stand it, I won't stand it"
"They’re your best friends, they love you, you know, nothing has changed, it's still you, their tall nerd"
"They'll want me to change room, they won't want me around anymore"
"Hey did you hear what i said? they won't, i know them, and you know them damn well, and if they do, you can be sure this is the last day of their lives"
Remus hides a laugh in Lily's sweater and finally decides to look at her.
"This death threat thing is starting to get too serious Lily"
“please ignore my choice of words”
“Shut up it’s not”
And then it's Lily's turn to laugh.
"I can't lose them"
"And you won't" Lily gives him a sad smile before taking his face forcing him to look into her eyes.
"Listen to me, they love you, nothing’s going to change cause you're still the same remus you were an hour ago, you're still their best friend, with a stash of chocolate they'll keep stealing from, with books they'll keep trampling in the night that you're gonna complain to me about it, now get off your ass and let's go to the dorm, skip class and then we’re going to see how they are, since when they start a fight it never ends well, okay love?"
Remus nods uncertainly and Lily lifts him off the floor helping him grab his books and wrapping an arm around his shoulders as they walk towards the Gryffindor dormitory.
On the way to the dormitory Remus turns around and finds himself looking at his friend's profile, she has a small nose and the longest eyelashes he has ever seen, not that he has ever looked at that many eyelashes in his life. by the way he wonders why the world hates him and didn't make him fall in love with Lily, it would have been easier, he would have gotten over it in less time cause she would have been direct.
"Remus you're staring, and when you stare at me I know you have to say something"
"I wasn't doing that"
"Remus"
She turns to stare at him and he feels in awe, hit by Lily's scolding look.
"I lost every chance I could ever have with Sirius, not that I ever had, he didn't want me before, imagine now, I fucking hate this"
"You're a stupid, stupid jerk"
"I know, there's no need to attack me like this"
"No remus you don't understand, i get it, you guys are all blind, but you are incredible"
"huh, thank you?"
"shut up, don't you notice how he looks at you? it seems like he could eat you at any moment, not to mention when you laugh and you're with me, his pupils throw daggers straight into my chest, believe me when I tell you that you always had every chance in the world and you're still going to get them now, Sirius is stupid but not stupid enough to make you run away"
"I think you're wrong, Sirius doesn't look at me at all-"
"Remus! Hey!"
"Fuck why isn't him in class? I'm not ready"
Remus whispers before turning his attention to the boy running towards him.
He stops in front of him bending down to catch his breath.
"I've- been looking for you- everywhere"
"Sirius why aren't you in class? it's late"
"I had to find you"
"can we postpone the discussion until later? I don't think I can do it now"
"discussion? why should there be a discussion?"
"hey remus I'm going to class, see you" Lily warns before turning and walking towards her classroom.
Shit, he's fucked.
"Come on sirius don't pretend that- what's on your eye?"
"eye? I don't- ah right, Severus, don't worry it's nothing compared to what James did to him"
"w-what did you do? why would you even do that?"
"cause he's a piece of shit, I'm so sorry Remus, I-I'm sorry I didn't stop him sooner, I'm really sorry, c-can I hug you? please"
Remus can't think, is he dreaming? why does Sirius want to hug him? Even after what he saw.
But then he looks up and finds himself frozen by the pleading gaze of the boy across from him, and he nods before thinking about what that would imply.
Sirus' soft skin finally touched Remus', his hands landing where they seemed to be forever.
Remus clutched at Sirus' neck and tried to regulate his breathing, that until he felt tears belonging to Sirius, wet his neck and the thought of the boy being hurt because of him couldn't let go.
"I'm sorry Sirius"
"about what?"
"for not telling you, I know I should have, it’s alright if you don't want me in the dorm I can-"
Sirius' head jerked away from his neck, and in that moment the only thing Remus wanted to do, other than apologize, was get down on his knees and plead, please don't let me go, please stay with me, put your head back and don't leave me.
Surprisingly to Remus, Sirius don't let go, anything to not let go his arms from the boy's warm sweater.
"what are you talking about?"
he ask, his eyes a little red and shiny, one tear trapped between his lower lashes and one trickling down to rest on the arch of his lips.
Remus look away from his lips to focus on his confused eyes.
"You don't have to feel guilty if you don't want me with you, I would understand"
"shut up remus, God you're so stupid"
"you didn't have to tell us, you didn't have to tell us until you were ready, and it could even be never because it's nothing that's going to change the way we adore you, so now shut up and let me hug you"
Sincerity shone in Sirius' eyes, and for Remus it was too much, Sirius was stroking Remus' hair, and it was too much, Sirius was rubbing his face in Remus' sweater and it was all just too much, and Remus was too, too tired to think how to behave.
When Sirius walked away the only thought, the one that never went away, was to escape.
And so he did.
Away from sincere eyes, away from who create too many feelings.
“shhh he’s here"
"is he sleeping?"
"I don’t know!"
"shhh don't wake him up"
"Where do I put all this stuff?"
"on his desk"
"it's full"
"of what?"
"What do you think?"
"fucking bookworm"
"put it on the bedside table then"
"that's full too"
"Can I throw some books out of the window?"
"don't touch my books"
A shrill scream fills the room followed by giggles and the sound of shifting blankets.
"well peter that wasn't very manly of you"
"shut the fuck up James"
"Guys can you turn on the lights, I only see your silhouettes"
"yes sure, sorry"
"we thought you were sleeping"
"well actually, I was"
"ah fuck sorry, again, Pete I told you to be quiet"
"I wasn't the one that he tripped over his own clothes that he left on the ground this morning"
"shut up"
"why are you here guys?"
"what do you mean?"
"nothing, just say what you have to say"
"what do we have to... say? um, we brought you some chocolate?"
"Did you bring some chocolate? For me?"
"yes, someone ran out of your stash and felt guilty"
"Don't look at me, it's not always my fault"
"whatever"
"Why did you bring me chocolate?"
"mhm? you don't like it anymore? no it's impossible you love it more than us, don't-"
"no it's- it's not that, of course I still love it but, aren't you mad?"
Remus looks at the three boys in front of him: Peter looks at him strangely, a mix between confused and inquisitive, Sirius, who Remus abandoned and deceived before, managing to sneak into the dormitory without being found, looks at him with resignation and a little of sadness, do he feel sorry for Remus?
And then there's James, who keeps looking around as if he wasn’t there when he was humiliated and ruined in front of the whole school.
“m-mad?”
"yes for not having told you..."
"that you’re trans? actuallyI already knew"
everyone turned to James, someone with indifference, some with disbelief.
"What?" both Remus and Sirius found themselves asking at the same time.
"Yeah, come on it wasn't impossible to figure it out, not that it was anything to figure out, or that it was easy to figure it out, I mean, it was none of my business"
"yeah i knew it too, remember that time you, sirius and james got drunk at the party at the end of the year?"
"no"
"As I suspected, well basically you said you were boiling so you took off your shirt and threw yourself on the dorm floor asking for water and chocolate"
"Was- Was I-"
"no don't worry mate you weren't naked, I didn’t tell you because i was drunk too and i couldn't be sure so i didn't know how to tell you, fuck I just realized how shitty it was don't tell you, i'm so sorry Remus"
"no don't- it doesn't matter, I- I think I need a minute"
"Yes, of course"
"I'm going to smoke in the common room"
"Yes, remember that we love you"
"Yes!" Peter yelled as he chewed some chocolate.
"Peter, it was for Remus!"
When he closes the room door behind him, he takes a cigarette out of his pocket and takes his usual place on the windowsill from which he can admire the sky.
From an early age he was taught to hide what he was, hide the scars, the external ones but above all the internal ones, hide his nature and hide who he once was, his parents had to accept it because after the fact that he was a werewolf the fact that he was a trans guy wasn't the worst news they’'d ever been given, they never made a fuss about how Remus decides to live his life.
At least until he came time to Hogwarts, he had to hide it, he had to hide that he was a werewolf, but he also had to hide who he was before.
It never been a big deal for Remus, not that he ever wanted to confess it to the other boys, but there was always this part of him that told him he was wrong, that they deserved to know, that they deserved to choose whether or not to be friends with someone like him.
Remus knew those thoughts were controversial, and that no, no one could expect him to tell them, but still…
Now Remus is confused and speechless, he always imagined the worst and now he doesn't know how to behave, he doesn't know what to do or what to say, he feels imposing because he can no longer protect himself from his friends, because there is nothing left to protect himself from.
His friends knew about it before he told him and still didn't leave him, he can't remember a time when it seemed that his friends acted in a strange way, and it was strange, because Remus hadn't calculated.
A body pops out beside him and Remus almost jumps in surprise.
“Sirius! I didn't hear you"
"there's a reason you call me padfoot"
"Do you have one for me?"
"I didn't know you smoke"
"I'm experiencing new things"
"sure, of course you are"
"so? i'm waiting"
Remus takes another cigarette and the lighter out of his pocket.
"here"
"Can you light it for me? I don't like lighters."
A flash of fear passes between Sirius' eyes so without question he approaches to light it for him.
Once they've both taken a few more takes, enough to relax, Sirius breaks the silence with a question.
"Are you mad at James and Peter?"
"no I don't think so, I mean, if they told me they knew as soon as they found out I think I would have freaked out"
"yeah, even if they kept it from you"
"yes but I never cared about my past, I didn't give it much importance because I always knew who I was and being trans only changes the idea of the people around me, not me"
"Has anyone ever changed his opinion of you because you're trans?"
"Not yet"
"pessimist"
"realist, Sirius, you can't think that in a world of so many people everyone will accept you, the only thing you can do is accept it"
“i’m so fucking sorry for what happened with Severus, for a second i tought I could kill him, I can’t imagine how you felt, i swear, if you just ask me I'll get him expelled and that piece of shit will end up in jail”
“Sirius”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t stop him”
“Sirius”
“what?”
Remus places a hand on Sirius' jaw and runs his thumb along his cheek
"look at me, it's not your fault, nothing he did is your fault, you couldn't do anything, I'm fine, you don't have to blame yourself for anything"
"I'm pathetic, I should be the one to comfort you"
"Sirius"
When Sirius looks into his eyes, something stops, Remus falls into the gray mist that lives in Sirius' eyes, and it seems like another universe, where Remus could live forever, when Remus is catapulted out of his universe is because the silver-eyed boy's gaze moves lower, and remus follows suit by finding himself observing Sirius' lips, and suddenly his only purpose seems to touch his pink lips, to find out if they're as soft as his skin, to find out if he's allowed, and of course Sirus reads his mind because the next second he found out, and the next second he found out Sirius' taste too, and he was wrong, because this is the only universe he would like to live, his universe.