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“Could you please stop seeing me as Dan Feng?” Yinyue Jun asks. “I don’t want you to see me as him.”
“You’re the same person,” Ren replies.
“I’m not him,” Yinyue Jun retorts, his voice raising a little. “Dan Feng is gone. I want you to let go. Can’t you get that?”
Dan Feng and Dan Heng.
Ren still thinks that they are the same person, even though Yinyue Jun tells him that they are not and it’s hard for Ren.
Yinyue Jun may not remember much about his past self. They may not act the same. Dan Feng certainly wasn’t as cold as Dan Heng has turned out to be, yet Ren still can’t help himself but see that they’re the same person. Rather, he just thinks that Dan Feng changed. People change. Even Ren knows too well he himself did. Besides, he doesn’t know why Dan Heng even fell for him as Dan Feng did in the past, or why he would even bother to love him as Dan Feng used to.
Because why Ren?
Why him?
Like he said, he changed. He isn’t who he once was anymore and he has done a lot of worse things and there’s always someone better out there for Dan Heng to love. So if they’re not the same person, Dan Heng shouldn’t be having the same feelings as Dan Feng did. He isn’t any good. Somehow, Dan Heng always comes back to him.
Sometimes, Ren is convinced that there’s just something holding Yinyue Jun back. He doesn’t know what.
Nonetheless, Yinyue Jun’s words still linger in his mind.
I’m not him. Dan Feng is gone. I want you to let go. Can’t you get that?
It occurs to Ren right in that moment that—this is why he’s desperate. If he listens to Yinyue Jun, then that means he’ll have to agree with him and accept that Dan Feng is gone, he no longer exists anymore, and Ren will have to let him go. He doesn’t want to let Dan Feng go. He doesn’t want to lose him. Yet Yinyue Jun doesn’t want the same, he wants Ren to forget about Dan Feng and move on. He has. So he’s expecting Ren to go along with him.
Ren wonders. “Why are you trying so hard to deny it?”
“I don’t think you’re getting my point. That was all in the past. How long are you going to see me as Dan Feng? I’m not him,” Yinyue Jun tells.
One can see they’re fighting right now. The thing is, Yinyue Jun can tell Ren that he’s not Dan Feng time and time again, a hundred times, a thousand times, a million times… he can tell Ren just as many times as he wants, but it’s hard for Ren to not see him as Dan Feng. It’s even harder with the way Dan Heng looks at him the same way Dan Feng did hundred years ago. Ren always notices it before and after every time Yinyue Jun kisses him, every time he holds him, every time their eyes meet. Even now.
“What’s the difference? He’s still a part of you, isn’t he? Why can’t you two be the same person?” Ren doesn’t stop. It’s sure getting annoying, he can even feel it himself. He probably just doesn’t want to give up.
“Damn it,” Yinyue Jun cusses, seemingly out of frustration. He almost never cussed. Ren is almost certain that he would’ve felt the same if he was in Yinyue Jun’s shoes. “How many times do I have to tell you… I told you, he’s gone. You need to let go.”
Ren remains silent.
He guesses Dan Feng really is gone. The Dan Feng who he used to spend his days with back in the past. He decides that the man who’s standing in front of him right now isn’t Dan Feng anymore. Just someone who shares the same feelings as Dan Feng did. He has always known how that’s a plausible explanation, he has just been in denial about it all of this time. If Dan Feng really is gone, then there’s nothing that he can do.
Yinyue Jun frowns. He looks like he has noticed that he’s upset Ren and he feels bad about it. “I’m sorry. I just. I’m not proud of him. What he did…” he looks Ren in the eyes, “And I love you, Ren. So I don’t want to be the person who has hurt you.”
As it’s clichè as it sounds, Ren doesn’t know what to say. He’s not going to lie about how that has left him emotional and feeling touched and if he could cry, he would’ve probably burst into tears right away but it’s a good thing that he doesn’t cry anymore. That would’ve been embarrassing. “Yinyue Jun…”
“Besides, you hated him,” Yinyue Jun carries on, “I don’t want to be that person.”
Ren doesn’t think he actually hated Dan Feng—Yinyue Jun in general, or if he even could for that matter. He would say he felt betrayed by him and he was mad at him, he would prefer to put it like that. He never hated him.
He figures they might as well be done talking. And so, he goes to cup Yinyue Jun’s cheeks, pulls him closer, and leans down, kissing him to his heart’s content. He finally knows what’s been holding Yinyue Jun back; Yinyue Jun just doesn’t want to go back to the way it was before, he doesn’t want to repeat the same mistake, he doesn’t want to hurt him again—not as the new person he is.
Ren hopes Yinyue Jun knows that he means the world to him. He’ll accept Yinyue Jun, as Dan Feng or Dan Heng.
When Ren pulls away from their kiss, Yinyue Jun hastily travels his hand at the back of Ren’s hair and lowers Ren’s head down to pull him into another one. He wants more. Ren does nothing but return the kiss. Yinyue Jun stares into Ren’s eyes by the time it’s over, his hot breath fanning over Ren’s lips, and Ren stares into Yinyue Jun’s eyes back.
“Just so you know, I never hated you. If anything, it’s the opposite.”
“Would it hurt to tell me that you love me, too?”
“... I love you, too.”